Setting boundaries with dark tetrad parents (or anyone) is not what most people think it is

 Hi friends. Today I'm exploring a critical step in healing CPTSD from dark tetrad (narcissist, exploitative, psychopathic and cruel) parents. And that is setting boundaries with them. But boundary setting is not what a lot of people think it is. It's actually not setting boundaries with other people at all. It's putting in place protective boundaries around ourselves that we maintain. It's also instituting consequences (or just allowing logical ones to occur when the narcissists (or anyone) crosses them. 

What most people think of when they think about boundaries is that they are restrictions you put on other people that they have to respect and abide by. Which is kind of narcissistic and control freaky in itself. We cannot police others' behavior or expect them to police themselves around us. Operative word being EXPECT. For one thing, it's useless. You can expect in one hand and pick berries with the other and guess which will fill up first. It's also a hypocritical power play, you know like that person who exercises no self-control while being overly controlling of others. 

Because power and control are what it's about. Owning your own power and controlling yourself. Setting boundaries means identifying what you will tolerate and allow to be done to you and what you won't. And what you will do when intolerable things occur. It's making choices for yourself that are best for you. It's about you doing you, not letting other people rule you or your behavior. It's about policing yourself. 

Does that sound a little like victim shaming? Am I saying, like my dark tetrad dad used to say to me, that it doesn't matter what anyone else does, you just have to do the right thing. No way. Because context matters with our actions. Provocation matters. If someone is hitting you and raise your hand to protect yourself (like what happened to me with my narcissistic mother) that's a whole other scenario than you just lashing out for shits and giggles the way my mom spun the story. But I am saying that you have to do YOU no matter what anyone else is doing and you  have to protect yourself. 

And that's why boundaries, especially with narcissists are so important. Those of us who have been victims of dark tetrad parents do not know where they end and we begin. We have no lines of demarcation between them and us. Nor do the narcissists. They see no end to themselves and no beginning of other people. It's ALL about them. They invade borders, enmesh with and take over everything. They firmly believe their rights don't end where ours begin. It's all theirs. 

And we have to comply as kids to stay relatively safe. Not safe, actually, just to survive. We had to let them take whatever they wanted and they wanted a lot. We had to let them hurt us. We had to smile through our pain. And then be told we were showing off for our troubles. We had no tools, options, support or way out. But that was when we were kids. Now as adults, we have options. We have a voice even though it may be rusty from lack of use. 

They will not acknowledge that however. They will continue to absorb, expect, take and boundary crash. So we have to delineate for them where they end and we begin. How far we will allow them into our territory. What we will put up with and what we won't. But again, we can't control them. And they certainly aren't going to give up any of this delusional control they feel they are owed. They aren't going to back off on the demands. So we have to take control of ourselves from them and give it back to whom it belongs to. Us. 

We do that by removing ourselves from situations in which they are hurting us. We do that by reporting their actionable behavior. By filing restraining orders, suing them or calling in the police if we have to. We do that by ceasing to kowtow to their demands. By disobeying their unethical, immoral rules. By refusing to accept unacceptable treatment of us. And we do that not so much by punishing but by negative reinforcement (removing positive reinforcement) and withholding privileges such as contact with us, they previously enjoyed from us. We build walls to keep invaders out. We cut off the funding. We stop giving till it hurts. Maybe stop giving altogether. We stop rolling over to be kicked. We have to walk away and walk out. We have to stand up for ourselves because we've been falling for everything they dished out for too long. 

They will say that this is punishment. They will cry victim. They'll say that we are the aggressors, we're being vindictive, spiteful, hateful, yada yada. But don't let them dictate terms. They're great at flipping the script back and forth to suit their narcissistic fantasy. And don't be gaslit. We aren't hurting them we're just not allowing them to hurt us. We're just getting our own selves, identity and space back. We're meeting our own needs, setting our own goals being guided by our own preferences for a change. We're making healthier safer choices. They're just pissed that they aren't getting their way. And if our choices make them feel bad, well, maybe they need to look at why they need us to be unhealthy and unsafe to feel good. Maybe they've gotten too accustomed to getting their own selfish way at our expense. Maybe they need to get their own boundaries straight and learn that they end. But they never will do that so we have to show them where we begin. 

Healing CPTSD by sorting out what we owe and who we owe it to (and what and who we don't)

Hi friends. Yesterday I wrote about healing CPTSD by debunking lies our narcissistic parents told us about what we owed them. I said that basically we owed no one anything that we hadn't voluntarily and contractually agreed to. And I realized that I missed a big piece of the puzzle. So today I'm exploring what we do owe and who we owe it to vs what and who we don't. 

Traumatized children are taught by narcissistic parents that we owe anyone and everyone anything and everything they demand of us. That we came into this world with a huge debt hung rough our necks that we will never pay off no matter how much we put into. AND hypocritically (because everything selfish parents say is hypocritical) they owe us nothing. We have to earn everything. It's all conditional on our being perfect. Which we aren't and so we never meet the conditions and go without necessities. 

So that's a lot of generalizations: everything, nothing, never, always. And my use of them is intentional. Because dark tetrad (arrogant, selfish, psychopathic, manipulative, cruel) parents deal only in generalizations. They allow no margin for error in other people. It's all and nothing: they expect all from others and give nothing themselves. They tolerate no gray area in their kids while their lives are 5,555 shades of muddy, dirty, messed up gray. They excuse nothing in their kids and everything in themselves. 

And when I say they demand everything of us kids, I mean everything. Dogged loyalty, unwavering respect, endless service, allegiance, devotion, adoration, worship, obedience, enslavement, perfection and all kinds of other unattainable bullshit. AND conversely they give none of those. It's a one-sided transaction, which is no transaction at all. Because we're receiving  nothing good in return. The thanks we get for working our asses off to meet their demands are more demands. 

We will never be able to please dark tetrads because they won't allow it. Seriously. Because they speak with forked tongues: they demand the moon but don't want us to actually get it for them because then they'd have no excuse to keep demanding. They would be satisfied. If we actually reached the bar they set for us, what would they  have to browbeat us with? So they keep moving the target  higher. Sometimes they just toss the damn thing out, set new tasks and don't tell us. This way they keep us in that blind fog of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) hopping through hoops that are constantly shifting. 

The operative word being OBLIGATION. And oh do they weaponize it. They bullshit us into believing that we are obliged to them because we had the misfortune to be born to them. They use an arsenal of carefully crafted lies, distortions, deceptions, blame shifting and manipulations plus those constantly moving hoops to exhaust, confuse and wear us down so that we don't have the energy to think clearly let alone resist. Because they've taught us that resistance to them is sinful and wicked. They groom us to believe that self-care is SELFISH. And that care of them is our sole job. They put us into a tiny cages, on display for all to laugh at from which there is no escape nor corner to hide in. 

They steal our identity, our self, our being and feed it into the juggernaut of their own greed. They strip us bare. They pressgang us into their little cultish army whose entire work is to ever expand their control. And boom, we are well and truly fubared. We are nothing, just little empty spirits, used up and worn out. BUT still expected to serve. Oh, the endless expectations and obligations...

And the church, psychology, society, most of the rest of the world participates in gaslighting us. They remind us that it's our duty to serve, obey, be loyal to, our parents. They take our parents' part. They make excuses for our parents' evil behavior. They shame us on the rare occasions we might actually speak up. They cherry pick  Bible verses, taken completely out of context, to perpetuate the fear-obligation-guilt cycle.  They, who don't live in a dark tetrad's regime, who don't understand how abused we are, place their normal expectations on our abnormal. And we are well and try destroyed. 

So why the long explanation? I'm trying to answer pre-emptively, your question "why do you feel such fear, obligation and guilt? Why don't you just step out of the corner?" And let me just say, that if you are asking that, thank you. You get what's wrong with it. What you don't get is that we could no more stop these feelings than we could our own heartbeat. They were implanted in us and are as much a part of us as our DNA. The fear, obligation and guilt are circular and there is no way out. 

The best thing we can do is fake it and hope to some day sort of make it. AND (we're actually now getting to the point of this article, yay!) as soon as we recognize this, we can begin to sort out who and what we owe and who we don't. We can start to reteach ourselves correctly. That we do not now and never did owe them anything. That we could choose to be obedient to reasonable rules, loving to people who loved us and respectful to people who were first respectful of us. But we are under no obligation to do so. AND the love, respect, care and obedience, begins with them, not us. They, as our parents did owe us love, care, support, nurturing. The only thing we had to do to earn it was to be born to them. 

Now, what we do owe is all this to ourselves. And to all our younger selves too. We owe ourselves respect, love, care, nurturing, support, affirmation, validation, encouragement, loyalty, allegiance, and all the good stuff we never got nor learned. We need to serve ourselves first. So, you might be wondering, doesn't all this self-focus make you a bit of narcissist yourself? No because narcissists don't just serve themselves, they expect everyone else to serve them to the exclusion and deprivation of themselves. They demand what they want at others' expense. Someone has to suffer to meet their unquenchable thirst for control. They don't do for themselves they force others to. They don't meet their own needs. That's what they have kids for. 

So the next step is to take away their power. And we do that by setting boundaries around ourselves that when crossed have negative consequences to the narcissists. And that's material for the next post. 

Debunking lies narcissist parents told about our obligation to them: clearing the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt)

Hi friends. I've been thinking a lot about what's wrong with the notion of obligation, especially what's wrong about this obligation we've been told that we have to parents. Or that our kids have to us. So as you know, I'm frequently the dissident voice. And I'm going to clarify how the idea of obligation has led so many of us to so much unmerited shame and pain. My goal is to clear away the gaslighting fog of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). And warning, this may be very triggering. 

I'll just start as I mean to continue by saying flat out that we don't owe anyone anything unless it is a contractual agreement we freely agreed to. I owe my employer my labor because I agreed to do the job  AND he also owes me payment and agreed upon in the terms of employment. I owe my husband love, support and fidelity because I agreed to in in a marriage contract. And he owes me. I owe payment for items I've purchased. And the seller owes me the items in the condition agreed upon. I owe my children love, care and support because I brought them into the world. They owe me nothing because they didn't sign up for anything. They had no part in the decision of their birth. Period. 

Now, the problem comes in for children of narcissistic dark tetrad parents who get this completely backwards. They flip the script so that the child is made to feel obligated to provide them whatever they demand WHILE they don't provide the child what is actually owed to her. They play this weird game of double dealing, lying to and deceiving the kid into thinking she endlessly owes them and they owe her nothing. They go about with their begging bowls fully expecting goodies to be dropped in them. They shamelessly steal and cheat her. 

They shame and guilt her with nonsense about all the loyalty, physical and financial support, endless help to do things they are perfectly capable of and should be doing themselves. They demand hours or exhausting service, endless time patiently listening to their tirades, back breaking labor doing for them. They terrify her with all sorts of threats if she fails to provide. They couldn't think of enough duties, expectation and burdens to saddle me with. And YET they have provided NONE of this for her. It's so bassackwards it makes me sick. And nervous, fearful, depressed, anxious and suicidal. 

Nothing is ever enough. Nothing is ever good enough. All they think about is what they deserve (which based on what they gave me is nothing but bills for all I did for them).They will publicly shame her for not spending enough on their precious babies while they give her nothing for her birthday. They come around for the free meal and then leave at cleaning up time. There's just not enough in the universe for them. They are always angry, resentful, bitter, covetous and greedy. And so as a tiny child, the little girl feels unspeakable guilt at not being able to please. And all that putrefies into sickening shame. And self-anger if that's a thing. I have hit and bitten myself in sheer frustration. I have bashed myself in the head trying to get the hurt and voices and ugliness out. 

But I have some good news too. I finally get it ( if I don't yet fully feel it). I OWE THEM NOTHING. I NEVER DID. My kids owe me nothing and I owe my parents nothing. Let me sing that refrain again. The problem isn't me. It's the fault of the selfish, self-indulgent, self-centered, narcissistic, arrogant, entitled, bullying, irresponsible, neglectful, abusive, manipulative, lazy, scapegoating, vindictive people I was born to. They messed my head up with all this nonsense. They broke me. 

But oh frabjuous day, not completely. Because I get it with my own family. I know how to treat them. I love them. I expect nothing of them and because of that and because they are just generally great people, they love me. Not because I demand it but because I loved them first. They don't love me out of fear, obligation or guilt.  They don't love me out of some misguided sense of loyalty or because it's the "right" thing to do. They love me because they know I love them. 

I've always pondered that line in "The Wizard of Oz" in which Oz tells the Tin Man (my favorite character) that a heart isn't measured by how much you love but by how much others love you. And I kind of disagree. People can only really love you if you first loved them. It is reciprocal. Just like respect. It is a two way street. It is transactional because it has to be. If only one party is doing the loving and the work, like it was with my parents, it's not real love. It's servitude. Love that is not returned, love with strings attached is not love. It's toxic. It's a mockery of love. 

All my life I've been told I had to earn things like love. And I tried so hard. I made payment after payment but never seemed to pay it off. I cleaned and cared for a home that I was mine. I invested in family that rejected me unless they wanted something from me. They withheld love and took everything from me, including my identity, my personhood and my childhood. I have existed somehow in shadows, eating the scraps under the table. I have had to be invisible until commanded to do something. I got crooked from making myself too small. They expected me to keep working toward a prize they constantly moved. And I just kept feeling like a foolish failure who couldn't get anything right, not even family. 

But the good news is that I'm beginning to see that I was never the problem. They were. I wasn't wrong, they were. I wasn't failing them, they were failing me. And this is surprisingly helpful if belated. At least if I didn't get the love and care I needed I don't have to feel like I caused it. And I can feel free now to determine for myself what my obligations are. And aren't. 

Ways to heal CPTSD from narcissistic parent abuse we've been told are wrong

Hi friends, I just realized that a lot of what I do on this blog is to bust myths about childhood trauma and narcissistic parent abuse. Today I'm sharing more critical ways to heal CPTSD by doing things we've been told are wrong. These might be bad for some but for abused children, they are essential. And they fly against all conventional wisdom, Christian, psychological, etc. Some will undoubtedly sound "sinful" or unkind. And they would be but for the fact that we who lived in a dark tetrad parent regime are dealing in a whole different world than other people. We have to do things differently because all our lives we've lived with different, contradictory, hypocritical double standards. We didn't get the luxury of fair play. We were subjected unfair, cruel rules that no one else was. So that said, the rules for us now have to be different, too. Sometimes we have to make it up as we go, till we learn healthier ways. 

Blame the guilty party. We heard so much about the dangers of blaming people and because we abused kids are conscientious little beings, we would never blame mommy or daddy even if it was blatantly their fault. But if blaming is so wrong, why are mommy and daddy blaming us for their problems? Why are they making us fix what they broke? Well, a child cannot juxtapose all that with her idea of what good parents are supposed to do. She just assumes she's the problem and her parents are doing the best they can with their rotten kid. She blames herself because she's learned to. So in order to heal, we have to start blaming the ones at fault and stop blaming our innocent selves. But don't' worry, we've been so conditioned to blame everyone but ourselves, that we'll never really be able to hold them as accountable as we should. 

Resent our parents. Yep I just said that. In order to stop resenting ourselves, we have to get order of operations right. We've always heard that resentment is wrong. And us poor shell-shocked victims of narcissistic parent abuse worried ourselves sick that we might be wrongfully resenting. Just like we always worry that we're doing wrong. That it's not okay to be angry. But what we don't realize is that THEY are the angry, resentful, malicious, spiteful, vindictive ones. They've been resentful of us all our lives. We just think that their gaslighting is right. They're fine and we're just being disobedient, rebellious etc. if we don't like the mean way our parents are treating us. So the bottom line is that we take on ourselves all their anger, resentment, viciousness, maliciousness, spite, manipulation and cruelty (and dark tetrad parents have these in abundance.) And all that shame, stress and anxiety quietly kills us. The suicide rate among abused kids is shockingly high. Resenting in this case means seeing how they've harmed us and never forgetting it. This is how we get to a healthier place where we do not take their cruelty on ourselves nor allow them to hurt us anymore. 

Two wrongs sometimes make it right. How often I heard that me reacting in any way to wrongs done to me was doing wrong. My selfish parents gaslit me right into a corner with that. There was no right I could do. I couldn't get angry, defend myself, feel sad, show disappointment, cry, be hurt or God forbid retaliate. Like I would even think of doing that. I just had to smile, like it and power thru. They didn't even like that and said I was "showing off" ?!?! because, I now see, it showed up how bad they were behaving toward me. The thought of upsetting them terrified me. Still does. Problem is I didn't know then but see now that everything I did upset them. Because they were always upset and easily set off. So by that illogical logic, I have to now do what I was told was wrong, to make it a little better for me. I have to feel and express the rage, sorrow, frustration and pain. And maybe even retaliate (or what they would call retaliate) a bit, just for awhile. 

Get even. Yanno, I always wonder how it is that these self-righteous people who preach that vengeance is God's are so bloody vindictive themselves? Well that is a ruling trait of dark tetrads: hypocritical. They who are always out to get someone, by scamming, conniving and lies, cry foul if someone pays them back. In my case, they were repaying evil toward me who had never done them an evil except I guess to be born. And the little "evil" they got repaid by those they'd hurt was but a tiny down payment against all they'd done. The horrible knowledge that my parents hated me has been incapacitating at times. So what I mean by getting even is getting myself to an even keel where instead of punishing myself for them hating me,  I consider that the source were hateful, spiteful nasty people that I just had the misfortune to be born to. 

Don't forgive too quickly or maybe not at all. I would say that you'll never have to worry about this because narcissists don't apologize or admit wrong. But they can play you and they will. The funny thing with arrogant narcissists is that they speak from both sides of their mouth and always for the middle. Mine actually said they never did any wrong BUT also that I had to forgive them. Which of course is complete nonsensical hypocrisy. Why would I need to forgive if you did no wrong? And why would I if you haven't apologized. (Whew their mental gymnastics are exhausting.) How about this? I don't forgive even if you do apologize because what you expect isn't forgiveness, it's exoneration. You want to be told all the wrong you did is right. You never admit to wrong, you lie and blame-shift, you aren't sorry for anyone but yourself, you show no remorse and feel fully entitled to do exactly as you've always done. 

Hold grudges. Never forget what they did. Abused kids have never learned self-care. I was taught that self-care was selfish. I took on everyone else's wrong as my own. So we never learned that it was healthy to get righteously angry about wrong that was done to us. We were punished for having survival skills. Our  rights were consistently trampled on. Our parents threw us at hurtful people. They looked on approvingly while outrageously abusive things happened. They did outrageously abusive things. They taught me that this was God's will for me. No amount of belated, eleventh hour apologies will make up for that. If I would even ever hear them. You can forgive all you want but you must not let them keep hurting you. The only way to protect ourself from our narcissistic parents' gaslighting abuse is to keep the memory of it in our head so that when we encounter them, we will remember to get out of their path. 

Don't trust them. There are some sins which must be retained for sanity sake. And child abuse is one of them. Remember what they did and how it hurt and how they will always do that. Even if they suddenly decide that they have turned over a new leaf, approach with caution. Make them prove themselves over a long period of time, as long as the abuse went on at least. Even then, keep them at arm's length and grow long arms.  Rattlesnakes don't suddenly stop biting. Dark tetrads don't start being nice unless it gets them something. And the longer a narcissist lives among her own lies, deceit, hypocrisy, double standards, manipulations, machinations, hatefulness, remorselessness and bullying, the less likely she is to give it up. 

Confession of sin privately or to a priest only is unscriptural and it's not why you think

Okay so having written this title, let me just clarify. I am a Catholic Christian convert (raised in a variety of fundamentalists churches). The sacrament of confession (reconciliation, penance) is essential to our faith. And I just realized why I've had such a problem with it over the years since converting. Actually there are several reasons. And it's not what you think. And protestant "private confession" in your heart is an even worse problem. And it's also not for the reasons you think. I will go so far as to say that confession it's unBiblical done the way most Christians do it. 

The agreed upon reasons for not confessing sin which we're told by ministers and priests is that we are arrogant and proud. Which is kind of hypocritical because the most arrogant people I've known have been priests, ministers and clergy. They tell us we don't want to bend our stiff necks and so we believe them. We think we are always the problem and if we would just do it their way, God will be pleased. Which it leads those of us with already overactive consciences even deeper into shame and further from healing. It leads to be even more harmed by harmful people who weaponize scripture to their own ends. 

My arrogant narcissist parents loved to attack and gaslight me with all my "arrogance" "conceit" and "pride" and lack of humility.  They would humiliate me with my "sins" which were actually mistakes or things that reminded them how awful their own behavior was. They would exaggerate little things like not wanting to constantly care for their kids into huge acts of rebellion against God. They did this I now see, to shift attention off from their irresponsibility and onto me. "We're not neglecting our parental duties, no, no Mary's the one failing by not catering enough to us."  

They loudly demanded that I confess publicly all I supposedly did wrong. They took smug satisfaction in mocking and humiliating me over things that I either didn't do or that I did accidentally because they made me so nervous. Mind you they never confessed anything they did that was wrong. This is important and we'll come back to it. So hearing shame about pride from the pulpit just added to my list of sins. But in my case nothing could be further from the truth. I was always confessing my sin. Because I was told I was at fault for pretty much everything. I took the blame for everyone's bad choices even those in which I was the only one hurt by them. 

I poured out my sins to God as a good little protestant girl. I grieved over them. I gravel for forgiveness. My parents would browbeat me with all the ways I was letting them, their new partners and kids, down. So I had a lot to confess, I assumed. Although funnily enough I was never sure exactly what I had done or failed to do.  That part has always been shrouded in the confusion of gaslighting. I was already working to earn my keep, letting them take anything they wanted, putting up with all their weird, icky, dysfunctional and abusive behavior and doing all their work. But gaslighting is convincing. So I just begged God to make me a better person so I could somehow do all they expected of me. Not so they'd love me, mind. I always knew I was pathetically unlovable. 

Initially upon conversion to Catholicism, I loved the sacrament of reconciliation. I confessed all kinds of things I hadn't done that others said I did. I never gave myself the benefit of the doubt or acknowledged that most of the "wrong" I did was after unbearably antagonizing provocation. I  was afraid it would sound like I'm afraid it will sound to you, and what I was told I was doing, just making excuses. I never got any help dealing with those unbearable circumstances. I was just told to do the right thing and take it all in myself and not to worry about what others did to me. That it didn't matter if there was provocation. Which is the definition of shame and I was very very proficient at absorbing shame.

My dad would actually say "it doesn't matter what anyone does to you. You have to be perfect. The Bible says so." If I said someone else started it, they'd just say "two wrongs don't make a right" and carry on in their arrogant, irresponsible ways and letting others hurt me. No pressure there. They never once that I can recall actually helped me deal with the hurt that was being done to me.  As I look back, they were the ones drawing first blood persecuting me, expecting outrageously impossible things of me that they never did themselves and then punishing me if I wasn't complying to their unpleasable standards.  

And they themselves set terrible examples holding grudges, blaming everyone else for their choices, claiming forgiveness for sins they'd never confessed and viciously punishing anyone who crossed them.  While I just kept screwing up because I couldn't be perfect (though I will say I did a pretty damn good job trying). And I got more and more suicidal in the frustration of taking it all on myself. If I'm honest, priests and ministers have often just perpetuated the gaslighting of my narcissistic parents. They never acknowledged either that some sins come from provocation. And that needs to be dealt with first. 

And that would be bad enough. But then factor in a basic flaw with any kind of confession to someone other than the injured party or just "in private" as protestants call it. A flaw that goes against God's instruction. Simply put, we're doing it wrong if our sins have wronged another and we only tell God. And all sins hurt others. If they don't, they're mistakes or lifestyle choices. But no, instead of confessing to others we just. say we're sorry, get our absolution and go on our way "cleansed" and free. But we never CONFESS  TO THE PEOPLE WE HURT. That's not even built in to any denominational approach. But it should be. 

In fact, I've heard people say, "I don't have to tell anyone else what I did because (wait for it) I told God." If that's not a recipe for arrogant bullies to go on hurting unchecked, I don't know what is. It's also complete anathema to scripture which tells us to go and make it right with the person you wronged. HUMBLE yourself and admit the crap you put them through.  AND if all this wasn't bad enough they pompously claim to be excused carte blanche because "Jesus died for me" so how dare you question me?? Are you doubting God??

Now they have the upper hand, they believe. They can go on doing exactly as they do hurting others but it's all good because Jesus forgives sin. Some actually think that their sins are a part of God's will that they are actually obeying him with their disobedience.  No one can touch them especially not the people they have wronged. All they have to do is say they are forgiven and you have to also. They don't have to mend their ways or even actually apologize. No one can prove they didn't, they think. But we don't have to. They have proved it by their self-righteous, hypocritical entitled and wrong claim of exoneration. And by their complete disobedience to God's command to "confess to one another what you did wrong" and to "leave your gift and go confess to them." And to "go and sin no more."

Yes, Jesus died for us but we have to do our part--repenting, showing remorse, mending our ways-- or it will be in vain. Jesus has not forgiven them because they have not repented. Even just admitting you did something wrong (and arrogant people won't even do that) is only a start. Without contrition, sorrow, a statement of resolve to stop, actions to do so and making amends (penance) it's not confession. It's a joke. Jesus can forgive the penitent  but not the arrogant. And He doesn't guarantee to remove all consequences, just eternal damnation. If you stole money you'll still be arrested and charged with theft. If you committed adultery, you still will face anger, divorce, etc., confession or not. Jesus may forgive you but that doesn't mean your spouse has to or maybe even should. Especially when you don't admit, apologize and change your ways. Even then, I would be very wary of forgiving adulterous people. 

Because God doesn't even remove the consequences OTHERS suffer from our bad behavior. In the case of the "repentant" cheating husband, the wife doesn't magically feel better because he said sorry. She faces public humiliation, shame, anger, blame from family, her kids. She might even end up with STDs thanks to his messing around. Look at those pathetic-excuse-for-parents Duggars and how they blamed their daughter-in-law when their precious baby boy cheated on her! Talk about shit and shoved in it. 

My parents ill-treated me all my life and I have the scars to prove it. I trauma nightmare every single night. I have concomitant health issues: CPTSD, chronic anxiety and fear, shame, structural damage and brain damage from unmanageable stress cortisol, constant triggering of trauma responses and a host of others. None of that was taken away. And they waltz away scot free, feeling completely absolved of sin yet they never once even admitted all the wrong they did to me. Even if they did, even if I "forgave" them (whatever that means) it doesn't heal the scars. I think that's what's meant by "the sins of the fathers (and mothers) being passed down to other generations." 

They talk like it's only God they hurt. So it's only to Him they have to confess. God Himself disagrees. We hurt Him by the way we treat each other. That's why the majority of commandments, injunctions, laws, beatitudes and fruits of the spirit focus on our treatment of people. Actually, name me one that doesn't hurt others. God says that whatever we do to others we do to Him. He wants us to humble ourselves, change our hard hearts and be kind So confession to God without confession to others especially our victims is playing God for our own ends.  

Catholic confession is better, but still misses the boat if the penitent doesn't address the people he hurt. And all too often, that's not even mentioned. Even the penance doesn't address it.  It's like we who were hurt have to just accept whatever was done (and continues to be done) like it's all good because they went to confession. Or worse yet got "down on their knees before God in their little prayer closet." Neato you told God but you never told the victim.  Or you just said you told God which I think is more often the case. But you probably did is made excuses and justified your own behavior while whining about how others did you wrong. But no one will ever know because you did it secretly. Now you feel so much better, hurrah. Meanwhile I'm left with all the suffering and knowing you'll probably do it again because you have so many times before. And I'm supposed to keep hoping you'll try harder when you've just been basically told you're good to go.

Confession actually harms the victim more because now they're supposed to forgive like God when they never had even the satisfaction of the guilty party humbling himself and acknowledged how he hurt her. So still, all the work falls to the victim. She has to repeatedly suffer the consequences of others' bad choices, pretend it's not happening, keep rolling over, hoping against hope, trusting unreliable people, giving a million and one chances to someone who has proved a million and one times that they have no intention of changing. And why should they? God forgives them and has forgotten it.. So they can feel free to do likewise evidently. Funny though they can recall in vivid living color every little thing that was ever done to them. They forgive nothing.

The victim doesn't even get the respect and courtesy of being admitted to that the harm was done to her. She's told it's God that was hurt. Well, if that's the case, she wonders, why am I feeling so bad? He doesn't even have to say what he confessed and she has no to right to ask because of some "seal of the confessional" gaslighting nonsense.  

Privacy doesn't extend to the victims however and that's as per God. The sinner is supposed to confess to the injured party or it's not a valid confession.  And anyone that would use privacy as an excuse to avoid confessing to the ones they hurt, is not humble or contrite. The Bible says these acts were committed publicly (as in involving other people) so they must be confessed publicly. But again, these arrogant people don't  humble themselves. They weaponize everything to their advantage: scripture, God's law, everything is twisted to keep them on their high horse.  

They just want the absolution without the work. And then very often, because that person is already arrogant and ungrateful, they are also very unforgiving themselves. They blame other people for their bad choices. I think that's a lot of power to give someone who has not earned it and proved himself a malicious, exploitative person. 

To do the sacrament of reconciliation correctly, the priest should tell the penitent that absolution is conditional on her going to the people she hurt and confessing, apologizing and making amends to them. None of this three Hail Marys business. No disrespect to the Blessed Mother but it wasn't her that was harmed either. And I think Our Lady agrees.  She takes the part of the victims. She tells us to pay attention to her son and his Father. God says he doesn't want our sacrifices and burnt offerings, but a contrite heart. 

I know that if I  have wronged someone, you can be darn sure I won't just tell it to a priest or the wall. I go to the one I wronged because I feel sorrow for hurting them. I certainly wouldn't smugly tell them they have to forgive me if I haven't even admitted what I did to them. Actually I would never tell anyone they had to forgive me. I give them the respect of making their own choices.  Anything else is mockery of God and God will not be mocked. 

 

Why I drink too much (it's not what you think)

 Hello my friends. Today in my healing from CPTSD work, I'm exploring a bad habit I have of occasionally getting drunk. Here's why I drink too much and it's not what you think. So if you consume too much alcohol, even if you're the nicest, sweetest drunk in the world (like I am) you will very likely get scolded and probably shamed for it. Even just drinking alcohol can earn you disapproval.  There are a surprising number of people who, though keeping their mouths shut on other bad habits (especially their own), feel no qualms about telling you off for drinking, particularly getting "drunk."  It's like drinking is in a protected class from "minding your own business." 

I'm not talking about drinking and driving. That's obviously everyone's business. I'm not talking about ugly drunks who hurt people. I'm not even talking about people who say something because they genuinely care and are worried. (Though even that is a slippery slope. ) I'm talking about people just feeling entitled to comment on a kindly person having what they deem to be too much alcohol. 

You will often hear this censure from Christians because alcohol is their pet sin. They who are violence-loving, TV addicts, adulterous, gossipy, arrogant, power addicts, selfish narcissists, lying, cheating, shopaholics, overspending and in debt, thieving, hypocritical, slothful or any other of the sins listed in the Bible, will pontificate ad nauseum about the evils of drink as if that's the only sin. More often than not, they struggle with sins of gluttony or some other addiction themselves and are obese, prescription pain addicts or weed heads.  They do this because this is the one sin they don't struggle with. They love to preach against it because it keeps the focus off their sins. Which arguably drinking isn't even a sin but more of an unhealthy habit. 

And that is what my dark tetrad (narcissistic, haughty, entitled, remorseless and cruel) parents did to me all my life. They picked apart everything I did while never admitting the egregiously wrong things they did. They lied about me and said I did things I didn't. They called me lazy, selfish and arrogant when this was actually how they acted. They made be believe everything I did was wrong. BUT THEN they were also freakishly controlling of my actions, harshly punitive all while setting terrible examples. 

So I got used to being under their rigid and hypocritical thumbs. And continued doggedly trying to please them and always failing. Which is a further hypocrisy on their part. If they were ordering me around and I was doing all they said, I couldn't also be a failure. The person issuing the instructions would be in the wrong. But I never saw that and fell for their gaslighting double standards every time. 

So how did this lead to over imbibing on the booze? Because it is something I can control. If I'm always going to be accused of sinning, I may as well at least do something I enjoy. And I like wine. And what I enjoy never hurts anyone unlike their horrible addictions to power, control and bullying. My parents sins hurt me and pretty much only me. Oh they'd be quick to say they were the injured parties. But they aren't. 

I got the brunt of everything: their divorce, neglect, physical abuse, refusing to hold down jobs and still making me do all the housework, remarriage, abandoning me, having more kids and then expecting me to take care of all of them (including all the parents), infidelity, cheating, stealing, lying, slander, two-facedness, backstabbing and a host of other wretched actions. I'm very damaged, physically and emotionally, because of it. 

Since I can't make sense of all this cruelty, I try to quell the memories.  I can't wrap my head around how parents could treat their child like this. I dream about it all night long. So a part of why I drink is also to quieten down the stress and horror . To make their nasty, shaming voices a little less "loud." I've tried the antidepressant Paxil and that just make things worse. I'm not saying alcohol is the answer but I do need less pain. It's out of control and I can't manage it. 

I believe that getting some healing is the important thing here. And that's one of many things that the fault-finders don't take into consideration. WHY is a person drinking so much? It's hurting only me in the occasional headache. Perhaps some other physical issues, too. Even in my choice of bad habits, I'm still picking one with consequences only for me. Actually my mom should be grateful as it gives her (in her mind) more to be self-righteous and smug about.  Shouldn't we be more concerned about the pain that led her to it, instead of just wagging their fingers at her? 

Am I saying it's my parents fault I drink too much?  Yeah, in a way. If they'd raised me in a kinder, less self-centered way, if they'd not pinned all their faults on me, if they'd not blame-shifted and made me suicidal with shame, I might not need to shut out these hurtful behaviors. And sometimes it's just because I'm having fun and not feeling miserable for a little while. 

Am I defending my right to drink? Naww, I've never defending much of anything I did wrong even if I hadn't done it. I've been everyone's scapegoat all my life. But I am trying to put it in perspective. For those of you who are truly concerned about me, please, get the right end of the stick. Me having occasionally too much to drink is only the tip of the iceberg. The alcohol may be dangerous but it's the chronic CPTSD that is killing me. 

Different Rules for children vs. adults in relationships with narcissists

 Hello friends. In my quest to heal CPTSD from narcissistic dark tetrad parent abuse, I find a lot of info for adults in relationships with narcissists but very little written for adult children of narcissists (ACON). So I'm trying to correct that. Because rules for helpless children in these toxic and dysfunctional relationships are somewhat different than those for adults who enter willingly into them. No blame or judgement to anyone. Just fact. 

First thing, pretty much all advice on relationships with narcissists is predicated on the idea that adults have control over who they choose to be with. Children, of course, do not. So adults have tools and resources available to them that kids don't. In fact some of the actions recommended to adults would be dangerous let alone pretty much impossible for children to do. 

We can't just walk out. Where would we go? We can't tell anyone because they have gaslit us into thinking that all the vindictive, selfish, controlling, manipulative and cruel things they do are normal. Or that no one would believe us if we did tell. Which of course is a contradiction: if they are doing nothing wrong, why would our story not be accepted? However we don't get that till we're adults and the window for help has closed.

Pity that. It would have only taken one caring, responsive adult. They might not have saved us from it but they could have shaved off years of CPTSD recovery helping us see that it wasn't our fault. That this was NOT normal, healthy loving parenting but dark tetrad exploitation and abuse. But then no one talks to kids about the neglect and harm they are experiencing. No one wants to know. And everyone defends the parents: they didn't know better, didn't want to interfere, were helpless, yada yada. So grownups with resources to help left a  truly helpless kid to deal alone. 

So I digress. But it does underscore my point that adults have options kids don't. They can call out wrong that they see. They have options if they choose to stay. They can do things like grey rocking (ignoring, playing dumb).  If a child ignored or disengaged from the dark tetrad parent there would be hell to pay. If the child even knew she could which most of us didn't. Adults can separate and divorce  from each other. Kids can't. 

And actually my narcissistic parents' divorce made life 2x worse for me. They left me to deal with this alone and waltzed off only to pick up with equally selfish people whom they parentified me to and made me slave for as well. But if you don't know that parents are supposed to be loving not hateful, you certainly don't know that "stepparents" are supposed to be as well. You just accept that now you have four bullying bossy control freaks to deal with instead of just two. 

Some other bits of advice that kids easily misunderstand and get wrong because parents twist them, is 1) not to personalize the narcissists' attacks and 2) don't JADE (justify, answer, defend or explain). That sounds good in theory but dark tetrad parents completely eff this up for kids. They WANT their kids to personalize their attacks. They call their self-righteous, hypocritical, self-serving bullying "discipline" and woe to any child who doesn't heed his parent's correction, right? In fact, if you don't take their chastisement personally they call you disobedient and they up their game, making attacks more insidious, vicious and personal. If you cry, you're being too sensitive and can't take criticism. But if you don't grovel and fawn, you're being arrogant and proud. There is no fucking winning with these shitty people. 

And about the JADE. This actually works well for adults in  narcissistic relationships but for kids, it's impossible and dangerous. Just like narcissistic parents demand you take their criticisms personally, they demand justification and explanation. They stand you in a corner and fire accusations and lies at will. If you do defend yourself, they then fault, shame, blame shift and punish you. But you'd better offer it just the same or you're not taking them seriously. If you stay quiet, you're "showing off" and being "arrogant" and if you answer you're "talking back" or "sassing" or (my  mother's favorite) "being lippy." ( I can't hear that phrase without wanting to retch. Or hit something.). It's a Catch-22 that kids like me have been in so often that we are brain damaged from all the stress, gaslighting and abuse cortisol. We're damned if we do and damned if we don't. 

Advice to get counseling may work  great for an adult but good luck to children. A narcissistic parent is not going to pay someone to tell her child that she is being abused. And then there are the flying monkey "counselors" (often "Christian") who aid the parent's gaslighting by telling the child  that what the parent is doing is fine and that God calls the child to obey them.

My dad and his wife did get counseling for me. But only to prove what a bad child I was. These venomously angry people who hated each other, said that I needed anger management. Like that was  going to fix the mess they  made of their lives. They sent me to a minister so he would shame me into what I don't know. I was so overly subservient, obedient and even  obsequious already. I already felt worthless and suicidal.  I let them scapegoat me into taking all their problems on myself. So I don't know what further shame he could have wreaked on me. 

It's funny, I don't have a clear recollection of what we talked about or what he said. I have a vague notion it was something like me not acting like this rebellious kid I was painted to be. And maybe even something about me being the injured party. But I wouldn't have heard that through their FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) fog. And the parents would have made sure I didn't hear of it if  he'd confronted them. I do know I wasn't taken back. And he probably did give them a talking to because they only got worse after my visit. Still, I hope he did chew them out. It didn't do me any good but it gives me great pleasure to imagine their machinations coming back to bite them. Is that vindictive? AF and proud of it. 

Because that's another rule that doesn't apply to kids of narcissists. Adults are told not to be vindictive, that somehow the universe will sort them in the end. Umm, not sure about that but I know from a child's perspective, you have to be vindictive. Not that you punish or hurt them. That won't make you feel better BUT you do have vindicate yourself. They will define your self-care as punishing them because they want to keep you sick and enslaved to them. So you have to define for yourself what vindictive means. To me, it's putting the blame and responsibility for their behavior back where it belongs, on them. You have to stop shielding them from consequences of their choices and taking the guilt on yourself. If that means they are arrested for child abuse or neglect, well, that's logical consequences. 

So what should children do who live under the tyranny of narcissistic dark tetrad parents? Find a trusted person and tell them. If you're not sure it's abuse, ask someone. Look at how other kids around you live. You may not know all that goes on behind closed doors but you can see if their parents love them or use them. 

My parents' and their partners' behavior put up SOOOOO many red flags I was stumbling over them. It was patently obvious to everyone but me that my life was very broken. My one grandmother tried to help but the rest buried their heads in the sand. For being so ultrareligious they didn't  have the courage to confront or help me. Which is probably a big part of how my parents got so entitled and irresponsible and above it all. Unchecked arrogance is a wildfire that destroys everything in its path. Especially the poor little kids. 

And to adults who witness kids being treated like this, you may not be able to fix it for them but that shouldn't stop you at least reaching out in love. Acknowledge their feelings and admit that you see the problems too. Remind them it's not their fault and that you love them. As I've said before, it would have only taken one supportive person to make a difference in my life. 

Rules shell-shocked kids of dark tetrad parents need to break in order to heal

 Hello it's me again with more on healing narcissistic dark tetrad parent abuse (if that's actually possible). Today I'm adding to my previous lists of rules shell-shocked kids of dark tetrad parents need to break in order to begin healing. Most of them are going to fly in the face of  "received wisdom." You will most likely be scolded on some level if you actually put them into practice. But they are critical nonetheless. 

And on that note, you always have to ask yourself, if someone is scolding you, what is their angle? What are they getting out of shaming you? Because healthy adults don't find fault with other adults. They just don't. They live their lives and mind their own business. If someone is causing them problems they find mature adult ways to deal with it. Self-righteous scolding, shaming, censuring, especially if they are hypocritically doing the things they're scolding others for, are not those ways. 

They don't shame children either. They guide by example. They help. They do themselves, mind their own business and deal with the board in their own eye. But that's what our dysfunctional and dark tetrad parents never did. They humiliated and scorned us. They blamed us for their bad choices. They were raging hypocrites with endless double standards. You don't have to show up for shaming. You can just walk away. So on to the rule-breaking. That's the first one. 

Ignore "helpful" advice that hurts. Read the red flags it's putting up. Learn to recognize the smug, self-righteous shaming it is. Even if it just feels a little blame-shaming. If you've lived with cruel, manipulative, arrogant, psychopathic dark tetrads, you've lived with enough of that already. In fact, you probably are so used to it that you don't see it for the abuse it is. 

Retaliate. Yes I just said that and I didn't stutter. You will hear that it's wrong, that you're lowering yourself to their standards, yada yada. That two wrongs don't make a right and other toxic positivity. You've probably told yourself to be the bigger person because you've heard this nonsense for so long. But the people who are saying such tripe have not lived under a dark tetrad parent's reign of terror. What they are preaching are rules of engagement for fair fights which this is not.  Sometimes the only way to stop destructive behavior is to fight fire with fire. To burn bridges and then get the hell out of Dodge. But having said that, 

Define terms yourself. And so as you might imagine, what you'll hear is retaliating actually isn't. What I mean by it is to fight back and quit rolling over for abuse. Get out of the path of Hurricane Dark Tetrad and seek shelter. Cut them out of your life as soon as is humanly possible. You will be told by them and their flying monkeys that this is cruel punishment. Because they want you enslaved to them and hating yourself. They get off on your misery. So pay them back by, 

Trust yourself. See the red flags for what they are. We poor kids of dark tetrad parents have been hoodwinked into thinking we are broken and should not trust ourselves. That we should let them push us around and hurt us because they're entitled to. All my life I've driven my little life car right past barricades and stop signs into hellish danger. BECAUSE THEY TOLD ME TO. They groomed me to hurt myself and let others hurt me. My husband has marveled at how much pain I endured without even realizing what they were doing. 

Disrespect and disobey them. They aren't your parents if they are hurting you. They are nasty, exploitative bullies. Real loving parents protect their children from people like this. Respecting them is disrespecting yourself. Obeying their haughty demands is harming you. Being disloyal to dangerous people is a good thing. 

Break confidences. Don't keep their dirty secrets anymore. Tell your side of the story.  Get help.  And if the first person you tell doesn't listen, keep talking till you find someone who does. If they gaslight you, cut them out too. Tell a compassionate person that too, that you tried to get help and were shamed for it. I'm better at telling you than doing it myself. Because it's too late for me. I just powered through and kept it all inside where it toxified into suicidal self-shaming and gaslighting. But please, don't wait till you're 60 years old to get out and get help. If you need someone to tell you that you deserve better, please let it be me.

Be vindictive. Vindicate means to make right. To clear someone of blame. These boundary crashers have been trampling all over you and your right to love and care. They've blamed you for their bad actions. They've stolen your personhood and cheated you out of all good things. Get your own self back. Put them in their place and get them out of yours. Take back what they took. Vindicate yourself by setting right what they wronged. 

Punish them. Again, it's not actual punishment. That's what they'll whine that you're doing but it's actually just holding them accountable to consequences of their behavior. It's not tolerating or cleaning up their messes anymore. The only way to stop them is to stop them. If they're depriving you, tell someone. If they've stolen from you, demand it back. Take them to court if need be. If they're abusing you, tell someone who can help you and and enforce those consequences. One of the many abusive things my mom and stepdad did was to kick me out at 16. And continue living off my child support. I spent my life thinking I deserved it. I didn't. And I should have told someone in authority because they'd have done the things I couldn't about it. And if they couldn't fix it, at least they'd have reassured me that it wasn't my fault, that parents can't legally and shouldn't morally evict minor kids. They'd have saved me some of the shame.

There are more rules to break but I've exhausted myself. Suffice it to say that most of what we've learned or been told by dark tetrad parents and their flying monkeys, was wrong. So doing the opposite is usually a safe bet. 

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Healing from dark tetrad parent abuse means doing wrong and breaking rules

 Hello my dear friends. I'm working to heal CPTSD from a lifetime of abuse and neglect by narcissistic dark tetrad parents. And today I'm exploring how getting myself better means breaking rules and doing wrong and breaking rules. Yes I said do wrong intentionally. Not harm, wrong. Normal rules of right and wrong, good and bad didn't apply to us. We were told right was wrong and allowing bad things to happen to us was right and good. We lived with chaos, abuse, exploitation, neglect. We were raised by cruel, arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, hostile bullies not parents. These people subjected us to abnormal double standards. And since conventional rules didn't apply, we can't be held to conventional expectations. We have to go against traditional behavioral expectations. We can't afford to continue trying to live by one set of rules while being subjected to completely different ones. It fragments us and fractures our minds trying to live in two worlds simultaneously.

In order to make any kind of headway in the fight against CPTSD and childhood trauma, we have to do things we were taught were wrong. We have to stop doing their selfish version of right because it's wrong and is killing us. We have to break rules and glass ceilings. We have to break free from the crippling bondage of narcissistic parent enmeshment and enslavement. We have to rebel against sick and dangerous demands and expectations. We have to reconceive preconceived notions about right and wrong. We have to reinvent ourselves, our trauma responses, our behavior to healthier, saner and safer. 

How do we do this? Well, it's a Herculean task for sure. Here are some things I've begun doing to that end but they are only the beginning.

Question everything. Consider that because so many things they said were deceitful lies, everything was fallacy. 

Challenge everything. Re-examine everything we learned at the hands of these bullies. 

Fight and keep fighting. Fight with all our might against every wicked, nasty thing they groomed us to do, gaslit us into believing, conned us into accepting, allowed to happen to us, stood by while we suffered and inflicted on us. 

Disobey. Dark tetrad parents sell you a bill of goods that obedience to them is the be-all-end-all. In my case that meant not only blind, dumb enslavement to my biological parents but both of their new, equally selfish, demanding, arrogant and screwed up partners. They actually equated subservience to them as obedience to God. As if they were gods. So now I have to disobey them (and their voices in my head) to get myself to a healthier place and to obey the real God who says have no other gods before me. 

Throw the baby out with the bath water. Because so many things they did to us were vindictive, self-indulgent, spiteful and hurtful, we have to accept that maybe it all was. We have to discard everything and start over from scratch. 

Quit sorting the non-existent pepper from the fly crap. We've been shamed by our parents and even by society that "they're your parents. There must have been some good times." As if that would make up for years of abuse. So we've searched our minds and hearts for those little crumbs that weren't there. We accepted unacceptable as our lot in life. 

Blame them. We're told blame is wrong. But all our lives they blamed us for their problems. They lied and said we did bad things we didn't. They nitpicked and found fault  with us and excused and exonerated themselves in outrageously awful behavior. They put the spotlight on us so we'd be hypervigilant and focus only on all the bad we were supposedly doing and ignore all the bad they were actually doing. We don't have the luxury of observing the niceties anymore. We've suffered under the mantle of unearned blame and it's killing us.  If blame is being apportioned, it's time to put the responsibility back where it belongs. 

Be disloyal. They were never loyal to us. They humiliated, ridiculed and sucker punched us. But we have been told that two wrongs don't make a right so we have to be loyal despite  they're being so disloyal. We have to "be the change" be dependable, be what they aren't,  in hopes of, what? Making selfish adults act responsibly? Is that going to somehow compensate for their betrayal of us? In their minds, yes. They literally believe that they can do whatever they want. They are entitled to take credit for all the good we do. They live through us. They bind us to rules they don't follow.  They reap the benefits of what we have sown. And us allowing this and doggedly persevering in giving them good,  only reinforces their entitlement. We have to break promises and quit making them to dishonest, backstabbing people. 

Break faith. We have to stop being so reliable and trustworthy to people who are reliably unreliable, unavailable, unapproachable, untrustworthy and faithless to us. People who told us we were untrustworthy when we were too trustworthy and too trusting. Too dependable. Too available. To those Who never showed up for us. We have to stop throwing good money after bad. We have to start showing up for ourselves. 

Jet it. Cut ties to people who've bound us to them and then cut us adrift when it suited. When something is broken beyond repair sometimes you have to let it go. We've been in the relationship salvage business far too long. When there was no relationship to salvage. There was only hurt and suffering for us. We can no longer afford to waste years of our life trying to fix what they broke. We owe them nothing. End of. 

I know, it's exhausting. I'm tired just thinking about it. 

Dealing with immature adult behavior by relearning childhood trauma responses

 Hello my friends! I'm on vacation visiting seven of our 12 grandchildren. My partner doesn't do vacations well at the best of times. The addition of a lot of clamoring children doesn't help. Don't get me wrong. He's hard-working, loving and good with the kids. He does not do stress well. And as we all know vacations are one big stress package deal. Which he has gotten accustomed to leaving me to deal with. And then often whining, yes actually pouting and throwing a tantrum like a petulant preteen about choices and decisions he has left me to make. Or about circumstances beyond my control that I'm trying to fix under pressure. Like a flight delay and having to decide whether to get on another flight to avoid missing a connection. 

He weaponizes incompetence, pretending not to have heard people or understand what they are talking about. And then demands that I explain to him slowly in teeny tiny baby steps using the voice I would use for a child and being completely patient with him. All while trying to navigate airline customer support, waiting on hold, trying to understand them, dealing with unhelpful gate agents, switching flights and then gates, figuring out boarding passes etc.  He gets petulant with me over gate agent's intractable or rude behavior but doesn't address them. He claims to be upset with her but takes it out on me and is sweet as pie to her. 

He whines that he "doesn't get it" and then demands that I go over it again. He interrupts to ask stupid questions (yes there are stupid questions) as I'm on the phone trying to sort the mess out.  I don't understand what the hell I am doing let alone being capable of explaining it to him who goes out of his way to be obtuse, decrying technology and how things were better in the olden days. Of which he knows nothing because he was never in an airport when he was young let alone on an airplane. 

Then factor in them not sending us a boarding pass and the nasty gate agent refusing to give me one when I can prove to her that I have tickets. She tells me to just get in the wait to get it sorted line while she is literally boarding the plane we are supposed to be on. She is clearly not dealing with the people in line which is for people who don't have tickets who  are just trying to get on this plane and who won't let us in line to just get the freaking boarding pass because they want our seats. Husband obediently does as gate agent says and yells at me to also get in her "go nowhere" line. As the plane flies off without us. Fortunately or not, I'm loudmouthed and keep pestering till another gate agent comes over, sees we have tickets, prints them as she's telling him not to let anyone else on. We make it just as the gates are about to close. (I did permit myself a smirk of satisfaction to hear him scolding her as we scoot past for not helping us.)

This happened to several of us by the way. We only got on this second flight because I don't back down. At least six people were left in the same predicament as the plane flew away. And husband is still nagging me to ask what we are supposed to do as I'm almost dragging him down the loading tunnel. And is still arguing with me. As if he knows anything all about what is going on. He who has paid no attention, stuck his head in the sand and feigned ignorance, who loudly proclaimed that he doesn't get it and harassed me to keep explaining it when he has no intention of trying to understand, is perfectly confident to quarrel with me about how to handle it. We probably would still be sitting at the airport a week later if it were up to him. LOL. 

When we finally get on the plane, he's suddenly all rosy sunshine because he got his way. He got to act like a entitled, spoiled brat and Mommy fixed it for him. There were no consequences for his actions. His happy ass was  not left sitting at the airport as his behavior warranted (and has warranted in times past). And not only that he got to preen himself that he was actually helpful because he asked ex post facto, if he could do anything to help. After being a completely useless thorn in my side who only made a terrible situation worse. 

So that is just one example narcissistic and immature adult behavior which would be difficult enough to deal with. But add to it that I was raised by narcissistic dark tetrad parents who behaved immaturely and irresponsibly toward me. Who parentified me and made me as a child take care of them, their new partners after they divorced and their new kids, as if I were the parent. In short, I'm used to catering to selfish,  manipulative, arrogant, demanding, backstabbing childish adults. I default to placating, humoring and fixing everyone's self-made problems. And am punished for the privilege. 

So, now, where does that leave me now. Still humoring and placating. Still solving their problems. It's all I know. And I gaslit myself because they have gaslit me, that I'm letting everyone down if I don't wait on them hand and foot. That I'm a worthless, nuisance failure unless I'm serving. And even all the serving and caregiving isn't good enough because they are so demanding, lazy and entitled that nothing ever satisfies them. They made me believe that there's always room for improvement when I was doing something. They found fault with every choice I  made. They instructed and pontificated on shit they knew nothing about. They said I was attention-seeking if I asked for approval (which was never forthcoming). They groomed me to think they owed me nothing. That I was the one being selfish if I expected basic care that all children need, from them. That I owed them everything. The double standards were off the charts outrageous. 

And I brought all those dysfunctional-in-normal-life but critical for survival of chaotic life trauma responses with me. I kept on placating, humoring and caregiving adults. And husband got very used to expecting it. So does this  mean I brought this on myself. That I showed him how to treat me and he's just doing what I allow? No. Healthy, kind adults don't treat people badly no matter how much the person might be willing to allow. Healthy, kind adults feel empathy and compassion for abused traumatized people and treat them better than they've come to expect because of it. Adults take responsibility for their actions and choices. They do not blame-shift, find fault with, manipulate and take advantage of others' generosity or care. They help other people be their best selves. They do not do things that trigger harmful coping responses of others. 

And that is what my husband does. Maybe without realizing it, I don't know. But he exploits all my weaknesses and pokes all my sore spots when the mood strikes.  I will say at his worst he's never been as bad as what they were at their best. And if you thought, after reading the airport nightmare that they must have been pretty bad, you would be right. Because he, at some point, will realize that how awful his behavior and admit it and they never did. He's never cruel or nasty. But that doesn't make it any easier. Because regardless, he is still taking advantage of me and causing me to respond in ways he knows I will to give him what he wants.  

But I also can't wait for someone else to stop being demanding, manipulating and exploiting me. I have to find a way to stop trauma responding, accepting unacceptable behavior, humoring adults like children and enabling him to continue. If he won't treat me better, I have to treat me better. Having said all that, I'm not entirely sure how to do that. I think it begins with allowing logical consequences and not being a human bumper. And ignoring the whining and just carrying on doing what I believe is best. If he makes a fool of himself, I can't help it. I think I need to stop JADE-justifying, arguing, defending and explaining. 

I need to accept that just because he asks a question doesn't mean I have to have an answer or even give one. I get to choose what I do just as others choose what they do. I don't  have to be perfect to compensate for others' atrocious behavior. If he doesn't like it, oh well. I can't  help that.  Just because he needs something doesn't mean I have to provide it unless it is in my best interests also and not just to keep the peace. There will never be peace with people like this. And peace at any price is no peace at all.  I have to do me.  I have to take care of  myself. I  have to help myself. If in so doing it helps someone else, fine. But this helping others by hurting myself, this giving away too much and receiving too little, must stop. I don't know how but  it has too because I can't, won't and should not tolerate any more. It is death by a thousand cuts. 

Healing relationships by rooting out CPTSD triggers from dark tetrad parent abuse

 Hello my friends! I have some good news to share from the healing CPTSD front. I got in a fight with my husband. LOL so how's that good news, you're asking. It's a step forward for me because I realized that it was triggered by memories of abuse by my narcissistic dark tetrad parents. And by rooting out those triggers, I was able to understand how I completely misunderstood what my husband was saying. I heard his words as my dad and mom, stepmom and stepdad would have said them which was harsh, judgmental, hypocritical and shaming. 

I realize that I have done this all throughout our time together. I have played out the childhood trauma drama on the stage of our relationship because it was safer than dealing with my perpetrator parents. I  have allowed (maybe even forced) myself to think that the problems were with me and husband by association because that's what my parents always said. They found all kinds of fault with me and then when I married, us. There was constant criticism and little affirmation. I see now that this was to keep me focused on my failings (real or invented) and then hypervigilant and anxious. And not paying attention to how awful they were to me. Also husband was safer to fight with.  He loves me,  has my best interests at heart and wants unity. We are evenly matched. They didn't want the best for me. They were enmeshed, arrogant, self-centered, exploitative, sadistic and cruel bullies. 

It was never a fair fight with them. They backstabbed, ambushed, humiliated, blame-shifted, manipulated, triangulated, scapegoated and punished. I know that  NOW. I didn't then. I just thought I was the fault and they were right to do any abusive thing they wanted. So I just gave in and let them. And so today, I'm exploring how critical it is in healing both CPTSD and relationship issues, to source and examine the narcissistic dark tetrad parents abuse triggers. 

So in the recent fight, my husband and I were discussing some political issues. I made a statement of beliefs which my husband has also made. But he seemed to immediately contradict them when I said it and then scold me for saying it. Like it was okay for him to do and say these things but not me. That's what I heard because that is exactly how my parents and their partners have always treated me: with scorn, derision and shaming for things I said or did. EVEN things they themselves said and did. 

If I did something "wrong" (which I have to put in quotes because I'm not sure now if it was wrong or just them saying it was to humiliate me) they would seize on it and make a federal case out of it. They would publicly mock and embarrass me. They looked for things to criticize me for. They lied and said I did things I didn't. Even though they did the same things to me. I was blamed, belittled and attacked for things they approved their other kids doing. There were two very different sets of rules and the double standards were off the charts. 

So when my  husband seemed to do this to me it felt very familiar. Not comfortable mind you. It set off all the old feelings of shame, frustration, confusion, self-disgust and anxiety. And some new ones that I'd only just recognized as always being there but  not being safe to show: righteous anger, resentment and exasperation. I told him I'm sick of being told off, told I'm wrong all the time. I'm not a child who needs discipline. I've had enough of being patronized, condescended to, purposely misunderstood. I'm tired of my motives being questioned and undermined, of what I say being twisted.  I've had it with being corrected, like I'm too stupid to think for myself or hold my own ideas. Especially when I'm saying the same thing he is. 

And then it hit me. That's exactly what I want to say to these people who call themselves my parents. It's not him, it's them. I have had enough of their nonsense for a long time now. I hate how it's made me a cringing, fearful, groveling people pleaser. I loathe how it's robbed my confidence, identity and self-esteem. I despise how all their shaming has rendered me unable to protect myself. And I thought, enough is enough. It ends here. 

And then that led me to realize how I've often misunderstood him because I'm so accustomed to being  mistreated. I'm used to being second-guessed, blamed, faulted, set up, betrayed and used. I realized that I'm used to it because it happened all the time. It's all I know and I just expect it. When I stopped to re-examine what he actually said, I was shocked at how wrong I'd gotten it. He was saying just the opposite of what I thought. I had cut him off because I just couldn't take one more hypocritical attack. Once I let him explain it all made perfect sense. He was agreeing and affirming me but since criticism is all I know, I just assumed he was faulting me too. And sadly but also somewhat happily I see that I've done this all our life. I'm happy I finally got it but sad it took me 43 years to do so. Such is the brain damage of CPTSD.  

Things we were told were wrong but which are right to do when we're overwhelmed

Hi friends. I was working in my garden today and suddenly I felt overwhelmed, overheated, exhausted and defeated. The weeds seemed too much. The ants are riding herd. And I felt done in. So today, maybe for the first time ever, I did something the voices in my head say is wrong but felt right. I quit. I went in the house, sat in the cool and decided to compose a post for us on things we've been told are wrong but which are actually helpful things to do when we're at our wits end. 

Quit. Holler "Uncle!!" Give up and give in to the helplessness. Surrender. We've been told that quitting is the coward's way. That giving up is makes us weak. That halting is being lazy and selfish. That surrendering is taking the easy way out. That giving in is coping out. And? You're point? So what if someone thinks I'm lazy, weak and a coward? I'm also healthier, saner, more at peace and actually a better person by not fighting a losing battle. 

Maybe tomorrow I'll feel stronger. Maybe in 15 minutes. Who knows? Who cares? One thing I know is that the world is not going to come screeching to a halt if some weeds exist and ants are let to live. But problem is, that's what I've always been told and now tell myself. If I "fail" to do something someone (even the voice in my head) tells me to, I'm a failure. If I don't slog on, I "let someone down" and I'm worthless. Then this gives them the right to abuse me anyway the wish because I deserve no better. Not jumping to comply with my parents was unspeakable wickedness. Even though they were pretty lazy, weak, demanding, cowardly, selfish and exploitative themselves. 

Because here's the kicker. We have been told those things BY THE VERY PEOPLE IN WHOSE BEST INTEREST IT IS FOR US TO KEEP STRUGGLING. That we have to keep trying, helping, waiting on, working and driving ourselves mad with anxiety. People who do not serve others or even care for themselves but expected us to serve and cater to them. They conned us into thinking that quitting was some kind of mortal sin. As they quit, dropped the ball and took the lazy, selfish way out with us all our lives. 

People who move in and take over your life. Who make themselves to home, don't lift a finger to help, trash the place, take themselves out to lunch and then demand to know when you'll be serving dinner because "they're hungry." And me coming home exhausted from work, hauling myself up to go make dinner for these entitled people who are lounging around doing nothing. And who have the audacity to complain about the meals I serve. 

Or other people who are so "prostrate with exhaustion" from doing nothing that you have do their work for them, clean their house, do their laundry, make and clean up supper, mind their kids so they can continue to rest. I laugh when I remember my step mom, issuing instructions from the couch, too "faint" to get up and move. And my dad, too lazy to tend to her himself, dumping it all on me. How are you so exhausted? You haven't done a damn thing! I'm the one who's crippled with pain, hungry and tired. But it's all down to who gets their version in first, I guess. 

But today, here's me doing something different. Here's me confronting instead of complying. You're hungry? Go get us all something to eat. And shame on you for not offering and for taking yourself out and not bringing something to share. And get your dirty shoes off my couch. And here's the dish rag, soap's in the cupboard. And you're tired? Welcome to my world. My back is killing me from dancing attendance on you. Get up off your fat ass, shut off the TV and quit eating yourself to death. I won't be your live-in-maid-nanny-cook-bottle washer anymore. 

So those are conversations with the voices in my head. It doesn't matter if I ever actually have them because I've gone super low contact and won't need to. And so it's just weeds and ants I'm standing up to (or should I say backing down to lol). I'm doing what is best for me. And sometimes that is giving up and giving in. Not that I'll never try again. I'm just listening to my body right now and letting it guide me instead of pushing it till I'm ill. And I'm surrendering to my Higher Power. I'm letting go and letting God. 

Does that mean I leave a bunch of work for others? Nope. Does that mean I expect someone else to wait on me? Of course not. But the ironic thing is that now that I'm in healthier relationships with a family of my own, they do care for  me and pick up the slack. And I don't expect it. I appreciate it. Critical difference. 

And Yup, when you say "I quit" you'll hear (from those bossypants exploitive takers) stuff like "Giving up? That's wrong! When the going gets tough, the tough get going." And indeed I am. I'm both tough and I'm getting going to a happier, healthier, safer place for me, away from pushy, self-centered control freaks. I'm taking back charge of my life. I control me. They may have had done when I was young but they don't now. I just gave in an let them push me around. I let them guilt me into bowing to their commands. But now I call the shots about what I will and will not feel obligated to do. 

If they need something bad enough, they'll find a way to get it. I really don't care how, only that it's not at my expense anymore. If they can find other people to exploit, well, I'm sorry for those people. I hope they get out too. But I have no control over that. 

It's sad it has to be this way. I didn't ask for this. I deserved better. And I'm a loving, giving person. I enjoy doing for others. But not when it's expected, not appreciated and never reciprocated. It was just me doing all the giving and them taking advantage of that. So now I choose who I'll give to. And that will be to grateful people who appreciate and don't demand it. 

This shaming and exploiting has to stop somewhere and since I know they never will, I have to. Fortunately and thanks be to God, I have a loving, generous caring partner encouraging me to end it. Self-sacrifice is great when it's received correctly. If it becomes expectation and taken for granted, no. That is good for no one. 

Strange behaviors and physical deformities from dark tetrad parent abuse

 Hi friends. Piggybacking on my last post, I'm sharing strange physical behaviors and deformities I exhibit from dark tetrad parent abuse. I lived with four dark tetrad parents who were arrogant, narcissistic, exploitative, manipulative, bullying and cruel. And here are trauma coping responses I have developed as a result. 

Facial grimaces. I constantly clamp my jaw and grit my teeth because I'm nervous and anxious. I've worn my teeth down from doing this. I do it because I'm always on alert for random punishment and humiliation. I think I do this to steel myself to ward off attacks. And because I've been conditioned to ignore red flags and power through parent-caused chaos. I've been groomed to accept and function within totally unacceptable behavior. 

I don't walk I tiptoe. I stand on the sides of my feet and never dare to put them flat on the floor. I point my toes in. So I don't take up too much space or get in someone's way. I'm always prepared for flight. I might have to jump to do something so I'm kind of like an uncoordinated mongoose, always ready to rush in to serve. 

I'm uncoordinated, clumsy and slump and walk bent. I crumple myself into the smallest shape possible. I sit on the edge of chairs. I keep small. I twist myself into a pretzel to do whatever it is anyone expects of me. I have lugged too  heavy of loads for too long and damaged my spine as a result. I have slept too much in cramped, cold, crowded uncomfortable places. 

I walk and talk in my sleep. I snore and cry out. This is from being made to co-sleep with babies and children. So their parents weren't disturbed. I had to be on alert at night like a parent since around age 10. My room and bed have been given away and I've been shuffled into closets and unheated porches.. I've been evicted and had to sleep rough and make do. I trauma dream all night long. 

I hurt all the time from early onset arthritis in hips, back, shoulders and neck. I had shoulder surgery and all kinds of unexpected damage showed up that I've just learned to live with. 

I'm now retraining myself now to take up space and inhabit my place fully. I'm trying to learn that I deserve comfort. I'm working to rewrite dreams in which I talk back and fight back. To refuse to do all the nonsensical things I had to as a kid. 

Weird CPTSD Panic responses caused by dark tetrad parent abuse

 Hello my friends. On my quest to heal CPTSD (complex childhood post traumatic stress disorder) from a lifetime of abuse by four narcissistic parents, I'm looking at weird panic responses that dark tetrads (manipulative, narcissistic, entitled, arrogant and sadistic) instill in their kids. These are caused by the constant fear, anxiety and stress their chaotic, neglectful, abusive, excessively punitive, humiliating, malicious, exploitative, risky and dangerous behavior causes.  Dark tetrads are vicious, pathologically jealous, backstabbing and deceitful. Life with them is frightening and exhausting. Life for the child of dark tetrad parents is hell on earth. Here are some panic responses I've developed over the years that I only at 60 began to understand as originating from my parents' treatment of me. 

I'm hypervigilant. I constantly look over my shoulder and expect punishment and shame. I flinch and startle at the smallest sounds. I hear scolding and criticism where it doesn't exist. And where it does, I immediately feel shame and quickly amend whatever I'm doing to please them. I even dream I expected to do all sorts of things without resources and am scrambling to meet them. It is so wearying. 

I'm a chameleon. I take the Bible injunction to be all things to all people too literally. I act how I think other people expect me to. I ignore whatever I think, need or feel in favor of honoring their wishes. This includes matching my face, words and actions to placate and obey. I've caught  myself doing this in my selfie cam of all places. Whenever anyone in my environment does or says anything, I automatically jump nervously and arrange my face accordingly. I fawn, laugh at stupid jokes I don't find funny. I smooth feathers, pour oil on waters I didn't trouble and generally twist myself into a pretzel to give my best approximation of what they seem to want of me. 

I'm obedient and subservient which is bad enough in a child but absolutely dysfunctional in an adult. Adult relationships should not be characterized by one person demanding, bossing, lording it over while the other kowtows and hop through hoops to please. In fact, adults should not have expectations for each other in general. They should collaborate and cooperate. I just comply and compromise everything to suit others. And my sanity and self-esteem are compromised as a result.  

I'm too biddable, too accommodating, too agreeable. I'm always seeking to keep the peace, which is ridiculous because there is no peace, never has been and never will be any with dark tetrads. They thrive on conflict. They polarize, choose up sides, ambush and create problems for their victims. I have spent my life putting out fires my dark tetrad parents purposely started. 

I am more comfortable with unfair double standards than with healthier balance. I don't like living with two sets of rules, one for me and one for thee but it's familiar and all I've ever known. I don't know if I actually believe this is right. I think on some level I know it's not. But it's too much work to fight it. Dark tetrads are so determined to be large and in charge. They steamroll anyone who stands up to them. They bury them in shame and scorn.  

I'm tired all the time. The slightest effort seems too much because dark tetrads have worn down my resources. They have punished me for practicing any kind of self-care. Their constant and shifting demands have left me exhausted. Their bizarrely chaotic, hypocritical and hurtful behavior has wounded and crippled me. I have a damaged spine and hips from years of overwork and neglect. 

Does all this get better or easier to bear? Will I ever heal? No. You can't heal a broken spirit or replaces drained resources any more than you can regrow amputated legs. What does get better is that by understanding what happened and saying out loud that it did, I can begin to  move forward with healthier responses. 

Bizarre things dark tetrad parents do to destroy their kids

Hey friends. Today in the quest to heal CPTSD from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm looking at more bizarre things dark tetrad parents do to damage their kids. And it has to do with the ickiest of the icky, sexual abuse. Just so you know, I've only just remembered some of this stuff and/or realized what it was at 60 years old. I was helped in this by a Youtube search on how toxic parents are sexually off with their kids. So there's not a lot out there. And I wasn't surprised because some of this is so sick that 1) you can't make it up 2) you NEVER want to think about it let alone talk about it 3) it wasn't safe to and 4) it may not even be allowed on Youtube. We poor kids are so damaged by these twisted deviants that we can't even get help processing it because it's verboten to address.  

Some have approached the subject of dark tetrads but not in the depth I needed. And not as a child of such people. Most have little experience and will just say that dark tetrads are so disturbing that you should run not walk as far away from them as you can. Welcome to my world. And easier said than done for a kid. Then there's a lot of talk about positivity and rising above, yada yada. Sounds great unless you were  groomed from infancy to be their property. If they enmeshed in you like parasites and punished you for being a person of your own. 

What the lack of discussion around dark tetrad parents tells me is that their abuse is so outrageously perverted that even psychologists have no frame of reference for it. But thankfully, I found one psychologist talking about it. It takes only one. More is better. And it was as if she had lived my life with me. Come to find out (and this is incredibly helpful to know) that even in their degradation, they share pattern behaviors. And one of which is around concepts of body image and sexuality. 

Both  my parents, and then their new partners, were off sexually. They were immaturely vain and competitive about looks. It was so prevalent that I got used to it. But I never liked it. I hated anything to do with "it." See, I can't even find a word to describe the ick. "Inappropriate and adult" hardly cuts it. Gross, nauseating, revolting, depraved might be better. It was as if they went out of their way to ruin normal healthy things for me. Oh wait...

That's exactly what they did. The way the therapist explains it (and I so appreciated her using her own examples. It can't have been easy.) narcissistic and dark tetrad parents believe they own their children. I knew that already but it never occurred to me till she pointed it out that this includes our sexuality. In their demented heads, our bodies, development, experiences are theirs to do with and exploit as they wish. 

If dark tetrads want to make their children uncomfortable (and they frequently do--that's how they maintain their edge and control), they broadcast intimate details about the child. I literally reeled when the doctor shared the example of a mother announcing that her daughter had pubic hair at a family gathering. I had forgotten all about my mother doing that at a picnic. She loudly told my grandmother  (who was very modest and would NOT have wanted that talked about in public). So bonus points for my mom: she got to make us both feel weird. And as I shared recently, my mother brags about how she likes to "shock (humiliate, embarrass, upset) people." Tell us you're a dark  tetrad without telling us. 

If the dark tetrad wants to make someone feel inferior and themselves feel superior (and they always do), they body shame them. And the child with her prepubescent body is the perfect victim. My mother told people we were more like sisters than mother and daughter. Note she wasn't saying friends. We were competitors in a race which she had a 22-year lead. She would compare our bodies and loved to boast her breast size. She smiled approvingly when her boyfriend would call me "Blisters" and mock my as yet undeveloped breasts. He did that all my life and I let him because mommy taught me being their laughingstock was what God wanted me to be. 

She would dress inappropriately sexualized and juvenile. She wore mini skirts, go-go boots and very revealing clothing in a time when no one else's mother was. Then she trash talked another woman who dressed this way, calling her a tramp. She'd run around in a bikini when most moms wore Bermuda shorts. Then she began running around naked and told anyone who would listen. She feigned embarrassment about being "accidentally" seen by one of her boyfriend's friends. But you could tell she really enjoyed that. She'd tell people, including my husband and sons, how she slept naked. My father paraded naked too and I remember seeing male body parts at 6 and asking if Daddy had a tail. It's so awful to recall. 

My mother was and still is very seductive around men, especially older men and boys.  She had a series of affairs with married men. She would sit on her boyfriends' laps and make out with them in front of me. She'd talk in this affected baby voice. She'd giggle with them in whispers about me. Once before I went to school, she was with a guy and his wife came over, belted my mom across the face and knocked her down the stairs. I was told to go to school and forget it. Nothing was ever said to me or by me about it again. 

She talks about her genitals openly and in graphic detail, at family gatherings. Now that she's older, she does this to elicit sympathy for all the mystery ailments she has, involving her privates. She asks her doctor, in front of me, for advice on sex. Then pretended not to know what the doctor said, so we had to spell it out. She talked openly about using birth control and showed me hers, when I was 9. No one else's mom was discussing that and probably few were even using it, it 1972. But that's not a question you want to ask your friends. 

She dressed as a hooker to a church Halloween party and had 8 year old me help her with her costume. I was probably the only third grader who knew that word. She went to see A Clockwork Orange but left early because it was "dirty." Then told 9 year old me all the gory details. It was too dirty for her but not for me, evidently. Another thing I was probably the only kid my school to know about. At 8, she decided I needed to know the facts of life which she spared no detail. She said she was trying to protect me but she never once came to my aid in any problem of that nature. In fact, she took other people's part and blamed me. Also, the fact that she used personal anecdotal experiences to illustrate makes me now see as an adult that this was more about her perversion than my education. Plus the fact that I held my hands over my ears and begged her to stop. 

She later opened a foster care home and had four young special needs kids under 5 plus various teens and me. And then she hooked up with a nasty, vulgar, lazy, unemployed, abusive guy, whom she moved in, made an apartment for herself and him in the basement and then quit  her job. I did most of the childcare and all the night care. She once left me with all these kids and her layabout live-in for a week. I couldn't calm the six-month old baby who was brain damaged, blind and deaf from abuse (and whom we never should have had in our care. He was far too ill for her to take care of let alone me.) Her boyfriend woke up screaming and cursing me. He told my mom I'd shaken the baby. He would continue screaming at me and blaming me all my life. I will never recover fully from the shame, guilt, self-hatred and trauma of that one experience not to mention all the other abuse. 

And then, into this mix, she brought in a 15 year old with a known history of molesting girls. He came to visit over a weekend and she said she was going to reform him by leading him to Jesus. What that ended up being was making me include him all my activities and him acting about as you'd expect. We went to the beach and while she lay tanning in her bikini, he went around pulling girls' bathing suits down, trying to drown them and/or make out with them. It was so bad that the other moms told my mom to get him away from their kids. She got mad and took us home. 

Then made me take him to the neighbor's pool where he proceeded to do the same thing. The neighbor kicked him out but still mom turned a deaf ear. I retreated to my room where he barged in and molested me. Meanwhile she was in the basement with her live-in. I ran the risk of telling her and was met with stony pursed-lipped rage. I begged her to say nothing to anyone because I was so embarrassed. She agreed and promptly went and told her boyfriend (who was routinely cruel and abusive to me) who told the kid to leave. She didn't want him to leave. Then she told everyone what happened and bragged up boyfriend for how brave he was. AT THE DAMN DINNER TABLE. Needless to say she never told anyone who could have helped me. 

Not too long after this, her foster care license was revoked and the two of them were found guilty of child abuse. She lied and said it didn't happen or if it did it was boyfriends' fault. Even though I watched him whip children with sticks and her laugh. No one ever said anything about me sleeping alone two floors up from them with four young children. Or my uncle and his girlfriend living in what was my room. Or her allowing me to be sexually abused and doing nothing. Or about her leaving me alone with the kids. Or approving her boyfriend harassing me. I don't know if that came up but she wouldn't have told me if it had. I was just whisked off to live with  my dad and his new wife who weren't much better. 

 I've tried for years to tell myself that she was just upset for me. That's why she was angry when I told her what the kid did. It took me 49 years to realize that no, she was pissed at me for pulling out one of the cards from her little fantasy house. It's important to note that she was loudly and proudly a Christian. She went to church every week, beat her Bible and would preach the "good news." She would make a show of being very holy. And was quick to finger point at anyone who was doing what she considered wrong. And then tell me that all this immoral behavior was actually her doing God's will. She was witnessing to men by sleeping with them. She was leading people to Jesus by letting them abuse her daughter. She was serving God by acting like a prostitute. She was being a good Christian by fubaring her daughter's ability to care for herself. She was honoring the Bible by brain damaging her daughter so badly that she is now crippled with it. 

And you may think that she didn't know what she was doing. Although honestly I don't think very many people reading my story would believe that. And even she would say she knows what she's doing if it's in her agenda to make you believe that. It all depends on who she is portraying at the moment. She is very sure of herself when she's pointing out other people's faults. But if she's in the wrong, oh yes, she'll paint herself as the innocent victim. She flip flops to feeble and helpless when that suits. If she is caught in a lie, she will evade, lie some more, back-peddle and even feign dementia. I didn't see all this because I wanted to believe her because I'm her daughter and I love her. What I didn't know but now do is that she's not my mom in any caring way, only in exploitative ways. Which is no mom at all. And she does not love me with anything like was real love is. She uses me. 

I know it sounds so ludicrous that I wouldn't have seen what was wrong with it but I didn't. I thought because she said so it must be so. Yes I can read the Bible and hear Christian teaching and know it's wrong for me to do these things. But a dark tetrad parent is very convincing.