Hello my dear friends. A lot of painful stuff I experienced in my life, has been unmasked recently. And I'm beginning to see that what I thought was normal family behavior wasn't normal and certainly not family, in the healthy sense of the word. It was abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, parentification, scapegoating, invalidation, dehumanizing and gaslighting by four narcissistic people I was made to call parent. Today I'm exploring how I never fit with God, in the traditional way others understand Him, and how, now, the rules don't apply to me.
First of all, let me address the flak I'm bound to get on this. I've spent my life in many different Christian denomination group. I was bounced from church to church as a kid, with my parents. Then they divorced and married other people, and they all went in different directions. There are few denominations I haven't been pushed into, at one time or another. From Dutch Reformed to holy roller and all over the place. And I never once felt that I fit in, anywhere. I sat in Sunday School, sang in choirs, heard the sermons, read my Bible, prayed, helped at youth group. I even led a youth group. I was always part of but apart. I couldn't even understand their language though I spoke it fluently.
As an adult, I went East to the Catholic church and that's where I've found my spiritual center. I might go even farther east if, as I suspect, God is calling me. But even in this home, I still mostly feel like an outlander. I've met more loving people here than ever before, but it's hard to believe they really like me or would if they knew me. Or would if I didn't say the right words.
Now you might say, well, It's because you never accepted Jesus as your saviour. You didn't believe, it was just head knowledge, you're in the driver's seat not God. You lacked trust, didn't read your Bible enough, didn't pray hard enough. Went to the wrong church, trusted in good works, were baptized as an infant, didn't speak in tongues, wore a hat, didn't wear a hat, etc. Don't vote right. Believe me, I know all the group patois. Been saying it to myself all my life, trying to figure out where I went wrong. You could never gaslight me as much as I've gaslit myself.
I have seen God in others' lives. I hear how they speak so eloquently, pray so beautifully, believe so single-mindedly. I see what looks like Christian joy. But I can't emulate it. I can only fake it. And I do because if I said how I really feel and think, I would be rejected. I don't feel God's love is for me. I am the exception. I've tried to shake that feeling for 60 years and can't. Then, you may say, you don't trust God. I wish it was that simple. That I could fix.
You might add, also, that everyone feels this way sometimes, which is true. Except I feel that way all the time. And I know they don't because they've told me. They bask in God's favor. All those pious faces raised in praise. Either they are very fake, excellent actors or they know and believe God loves them.
I think my unfitness is partly due to the fact that behind the holy smiles I saw a lot of judgementalism and arrogance. They were very sure of their own righteousness. I don't judge. I know Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven. But it has hurt someone like me who is too self-critical, a lot. They have this uncanny ability to ferret out my sin and are happy to expose it. They know I don't belong, am a fake, a plant of the devil. Even just admitting I have questions, is proof of my failing. That many people in my life, including my parents, have done this, is proof I don't fit in. No smoke without fire and all that.
And believe me, I tried and tried. In whatever church I was landed in, I did it their way. I followed their prescribed path. I reached out, tithed, sang, prayed. I not only said the words, I believed them. I gave all that I had, but it was never enough. Not even close. I tried to prove myself, but they always knew, that I was in the wrong.
Which of course, sounds paranoid, even to me. I can't help it. Maybe I am schizophrenic. But I will say, I'm also right. I cannot remember having a quality friendship that I didn't have to bend over backwards for, hide myself or put on my holy face for. In any of the churches I belonged to, I remember being shamed, scapegoated and humiliated a lot, and this was as a youth.
You might also say that God came to forgive sin. But you don't understand. I'm not a sinner, I am sin. And a sensitive person like me takes all criticism to heart. I have always assumed others were wiser, better than me, no matter how broken they've proved themselves to be. I learned to accept early on, to bow, to scrape, to comply, as protection from hurt. I got really good at it.
And this is leading me to understand other things. And may be a way out of this shame shitshow I've lived in all my life. Because I don't, and never have, believed God is the problem. Even though I don't know or feel it, I believe His love was supposed to be for me. I take Him at His word. But something got in the way. Or someone. Or several someones. Who prevented the feeling of God's love from reaching me.
I think the reason that what I say sounds wrong to people is because we've been given different versions of God. Parents are the first face of God a child sees. If your parents not only told you but also showed you that God is love, you believe it. If they humbly worshipped God, you learned to as well.
But if, like me, you were raised that your parents WERE God, and not subject to Him. Not only them but their new partners. If the God you were shown was selfish, vengeful, petty, resentful, you believe that too. Or at least you'd better if you know what's good for you. It like there were two Gods, one for me and one for others.
So clearly when we talk about God, we're seeing two very different faces. The one I saw has been proved to be a broken caricature. So where do I go from here? I'm at a crossroad. None of the rules apply to me. Because I hear them all wrong. I don't know how to unsee my original version and re-see the real one. I do believe that God wants to help me. That's how I got started writing this blog, by finally being able to hear God through the false voices. I have and always will pray that God will help me see past the fake one to his face.
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