Hi friends. If you're following this blog, you know that I'm in the process of healing from a lifetime of narcissistic parental abuse, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, exploitation, manipulation, triangulation, scapegoating, invalidation, toxic shaming and gaslighting from two narcissistic parents and their equally narcissistic new partners. So today I'm exploring how to unmask abuse, shaming and all the crap I've been thru, by flipping the script. Instead of letting narcissistic parents and other invalidators define the narrative. Here are the real definitions of common things they gaslight you with.
1) Love. And loving behavior. Narcissistic parents euphemize abuse and neglect calling it love. We don't give you a warm, safe home. Or enough food or basic medical care. We abandon you in strange places. We leave you unprotected while we do our own thing. We force you to serve dangerous people. We backstab, exploit and humiliate you. But rest assured, we love you. Because we say we do.
Real love is the opposite. Loving people don't exploit your pain. They don't shame, especially not for things that are not your fault. They affirm and build up. They think the best of you. They give you the benefit of the doubt. They are very intentional about doing what is in your best interests, not manipulate you into doing what's in theirs.
2) Discipline. This is their joke word for tyrannical, narcissistic, unprovoked rages. Supposedly it's "for your own good." However, they don't take their own medicine and are, completely undisciplined, self-centered and immature.
Real discipline is demonstrated and modeled, not bullying. We lead by example, not random harshly punitive attacks. We do as we say, in humility and don't expect blind obedience to irrational, unhealthy demands. We don't expect children to be adults while we act like kids. We don't bind them up to burdens we don't help carry. We discipline ourselves and hope and pray they learn. We do what's best for them, not us.
3) Divorce. My parents felt so sorry for themselves because they "had" to get a divorce. But there was no reason. They would both dump on and triangulate me against each other. Then tell me I was lucky they had a good divorce. They immediately found new people and never once worried about how it affected me. So I'm failing to see how they were the injured parties. From where I sit, they got exactly what they wanted. New do-over lives. I got the shit and shame. They actually weaponized it against me, saying how I made them feel guilty and how it was my fault for hindering their happiness. Soooo much bullshit.
What divorce really is. It's a choice parents make to explode their child's world. To baffle and brain damage them. There is no such things as a good divorce. What monstrous arrogance it was to suggest that. And no matter how hard it is for the parents, it's worse for the kids. Especially when you make it all about you and give them no help. Or worse yet gaslight them that you are guilting them. Or worst of all, blame them for YOUR faults.
YOU BLEW MY FAMILY APART!! I didn't blame you, tho I should have, God did. You feel guilty? You should. You did wrong, selfish things. And your guilt isn't the primary concern. I am. And you left me to face all the horrors alone. As you waltzed off to find new people to exploit me. Which bring me to the next gaslighting words.
4) Family. Parents. Siblings. My family was blown to bits by my selfish parents. Who then subjected me new people on me in the guise of "family" and "parents" and "siblings." They made it clear that I wasn't part of their new families. But also that I was supposed serve these people. I was their family but they weren't mine. Just like I was their child parent but they weren't mine. And like their kids were my responsibility but owed me nothing, even basic courtesy.
Real family is loving and inclusive of all. Ohana means no ne is left our or forgotten. Like I was. A child is part of one nuclear family only, which was taken from me and only me. Family is not a hodge-podge her parents have patchworked from fragments of other exploded families. She has two parents, not an assortment of authority figures you force on her. Your new kids aren't her siblings. And certainly not her responsibility.
5) God's will. This one was the absolute worst for me. My parents gaslit me continually with lies about what God supposedly expected of me. It's so big and bad that I'll have to start a new post about it. And will probably need a few stiff drinks to write.
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