Are you trying to heal from hurtful situations? Do you have "that" friend who while seeming to listen and care, actually ends up making it worse? Someone who purports to give"well-meaning" advice from scripture which turns out to be shaming and guilting? I call these people religious invalidators. And I recently wrote about 5 passive-aggressive ways invalidators gaslight you about abusive situations you've experienced. And then I realized that there were actually six weapons and the last one was so bad that it required a post of its own.
And that's religious gaslighting. This is the most insidious and therefore hardest to spot. It's also the most dangerous, in my mind as it's kind of a combo of all the previous ones (questioning, minimizing, lightening the mood, toxic positivity and brutal honesty). And it sugar-coated with weaponized Christianity.
Here's an example. You tell your friend about something that is hugely and horribly upsetting. She pretends to listen but then adopts this snarky, patronizing little frown. And says in a shame-y way "The Bible says God wants you to be joyful" "you need to trust God more" " are you reading your Bible daily?" "have you tried praying about it?" and "I think it's best of we just let the Lord lead." Which was breezily said to me by a woman on her 10th kid when I shared grief over losing my baby.
And for being so "helpful" it's about as hurtful as it gets. And it's meant to shame and guilt. They say these things at their best when you're at your worst. They preach what they don't practice. Really, you're going to guilt me with misquoted platitudes when I just told you I'm bloody well miserable? You try being joyful when you're hurting. I don't remember hearing much about the Bible when you were ranting about your husband.
Why would you suggest that I don't read scripture? Why you make it sound like a failing? I am suffering. Why would you make it sound like I had wickedly abandoned God? Who are you to know what I do or don't do? Does it make you feel better about your own lagging faith? Maybe you need to look in the mirror? Cause you sound like a sanctimonious prig.
Oh and you may want to take your own advice. I have actually read the Bible. Jesus speaks very strongly about the dangers of self-righteousness. We're also called to bear one another's burdens. And weep with those who weep. And that our joy comes from God, not in some fake pasted-on smile. And joy and sorrow coexist in us. They aren't mutually exclusive. We can obey God but still be sad. Our Lord wept, was sorrowful and even angry sometimes.
What are all these weird attempts to undermine me really about? Why do you assume I'm not trusting God? Because it makes you feel somehow superior? Way to capitalize on others' misery. That's unBiblical too, btw. I also trusted you, to share my burden and that was clearly misplaced. And just pray about it? Oh what a great idea? Why didn't I think of that? And right back at ya when you were venting your spleen on me. If I'd said just pray about it, you'd have thought I didn't care. Oh, wait...
And thank you for the acid in my face, mom of many. I'm so grateful you deigned to catechize me in accepting God's will. And why would you say it in a way that suggests I have not? It's not enough you have a baby and I don't. You've got to have some moral high ground too? Clearly, I have had to accept it. I just thought you might offer a crumb of comfort with your smarmy advice. More fool me. I may as well have peed into the wind.
Tell me you don't think you're holier than me because you have more kids. You obviously feel yourself entitled to pontificate on matters which you know nothing about. Tell me you don't think God measures your awesomeness in the number of babies he sends. Cause it's hard to hear your humility through your smug self-satisfaction. And how easy it is for you to "accept God's plan" when you're holding a living baby. That's not you nobly obeying God and surrendering your will. It just you getting your way. Try cradling a dead child and see how it works. I'm the one who should be preaching to you about accepting God's will.
My friends, I want you to be very careful of anyone who behaves in this way. You might already know who they are or they might surprise you with unforeseen callousness. My friend with the large family completely blindsided me with her comments. Having already low self-esteem, I'm an easy target. I always assume others are right and holy while I'm wrong and evil.
So I was especially vulnerable when it came from someone who'd always been so kind. Or who I thought was kind. I didn't really know her. I assumed I must be really bad if even this paragon had to shame me. But then I stopped and thought about what I'd do in that situation. I'd cut my tongue out before I shamed someone for losing a baby. And I realized that I was used to shame, to excusing other's cruelty to me, to assuming I'd misunderstood it. I was taught to mistake harm for love.
I assumed that because she sat in church she was a loving person. So when love didn't show in actions, I figured it was me with the problem. But then I recalled scripture that speaks of wolves in sheep's clothing and that a tree is known by it's fruit.
And this put a whole new light on things. Now I'm working to believe someone when they SHOW me who, despite what they say. Invalidators don't stutter. On some level, it's intentional. They aren't your friend. They don't have your best interests at heart and are not acting like loving Christians. They are exploiting your pain for some twisted end of their own. And it says a lot about them and nothing about you.
Don't be gaslit by them, into doubting yourself or God's love for you. It's okay to examine yourself, but not because someone else is questioning you. I've done this all my life, believing that others were always right and just and I was wrong and wicked. It hurt so much that I considered ending my life. And that is not God's plan for.
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