Hi guys. Just finished writing one of the rawest posts I've ever written. I'm working to expose narcissistic parent gaslighting for the lies they are. Now I'm calling out lies narcissistic parent tell and ways they twist the truth to their own ends, against the child, which is gaslighting. And they're very good at it. My narcissistic parents had me believing their horse crap all my life. It wasn't till I caught them at it, that I began to question other things they'd said. And you know how it is with discovering lies. Many more are hidden underneath. It's like knitting. Unpick one stitch and others begin to unravel till the entire sweater reveals itself as one long string.
I'm mostly doing this for myself, to stop the intense pain in my brain. To tell the truth, to myself, about what happened. If you find it resonating or helpful, join me if you wish but please beware. This is very triggering. I'm breaking a lifetime habit of mincing words, and it won't make for easy reading. Still with me? Here goes.
1) Narcissistic parents spin doctor a version of events to paint themselves in a better light. My parents moved to Alaska when I was 6. They told me it was to be missionaries to the Indians. When we got there, they never worked and we were homeless. My dad would leave for long periods on what he called mission trips. Which I realized were just excuses to absent himself from us. Both of them left me alone a lot. My mom would say, to plan her Good News clubs. But those never happened. And she spent a lot of time with other men. But because I was told they were doing God's work, it was all okay.
2) Narcissistic parents orchestrate senselessly disturbing experiences and drop you in the middle of them. They manufactures crises to elicit your pity. Then they scoff at you for feeling all the things they set you up to feel. In Alaska, my mom decided to divorce my dad. They had some random strangers dump me at 6, in some random summer camp for a week where I knew no one. They guilted me for being afraid saying that my parents couldn't work out their problems with me in the way. They got back and both went their separate ways again. Then she disappeared for a week leaving me alone and terrified and in another random place with more random strangers.
3) Narcissistic parents tweak the truth to make it more palatable. There is an element of truth but it's usually nothing like what really happened. In Alaska, my mom moved us to a remote island, dropped the divorce bombshell and then left me there. She said she had to go to Seattle (3,000 miles away) for surgery on a bladder infection. She did leave. But not for the reasons she said, I'm pretty sure. It was easier for me and the people she dumped me on, to accept than whatever the real reason was. She was having a series of affairs and it could have been an abortion, given the year, 1970 and that Washington had just legalized it.
4) Narcissistic parents lie to leverage and weaponize. My mother told her Seattle story in such a way that not only would we fall for it more readily, she could also maximize pity. Poor thing, she sick not pregnant! It's her bladder not an STD. And bonus added, guilt me in the process. What kind of selfish daughter would cry when her ill mommy left to get medical care?
4) Narcissist parent tell lies to cover other lies. And when the original lie no longer serves their purpose I only learned that she was lying about Alaska when I reminded her of it, at a recent doctor visit in which she had to list medical treatments. She said she never left or went to Seattle back then. And she annoyed and very quick to shut me up when I mentioned it.
5) Narcissist parents use a lot of euphemisms to downplay their bad behavior. My mom called her boyfriends, friends. She wasn't committing adultery, she was "dating." They weren't making out in front of me, just visiting. It was an "affair" not cheating. My dad wasn't beating the tar out of me, it was "correcting bad behavior." He wasn't screaming abuse at me it was "constructive criticism" which I supposedly "couldn't handle" was "too sensitive."
7) Narcissistic parents do crazy things, then craft a story to blame you. I had long beautiful hair that my grandparents loved. When I was 8, she had it all cut off in a pixie haircut which made me look ridiculous. The stylist warned against having it all cut off but she insisted. Then told everyone that I wanted it cut for swimming. I believed that all my life and it may have been true. Though I don't remember saying that or wanting it cut. I think now, maybe she had it cut because she was jealous of the attention I got.
8) Narcissistic parents exaggerate the child's smallest transgression. They twist normal kid behavior into horrific acts, then rain down their wrath. The slightest facial movement is outrageous defiance. Walking away is "stomping off" and punishable to the full extent. Closing the door is slamming it. Saying how you feel is disobedience. Coming home an hour late, at 16, warranted getting kicked out of the house on the end of my mother's vicious husband's boot. Having an opinion is conspiracy against them. There's never enough enough punishment to sate their savage anger.
9)Narcissistic parents blame shift then get their version in first. Because the person who tells the story first is the one usually believed, no matter how ludicrous or obviously self-serving it is. Especially if the person their spinning it to, wants to or has a vested interest in, believing them. They don't have to prove it. Anyone with a different version has the burden of proof. My mother left me alone with her new boyfriend, at 11, for a week to babysit her four special needs foster care children. When the baby cried and I couldn't comfort him, her boyfriend who was sleeping on the couch attacked me and accused me of "shaking the baby." My mother never questioned his version and I was severely punished.
10) Narcissistic parents future fake. They make promises they have no intention of keeping to con their kids into doing things for them. In the previous story, my mother had lured me into (illegally) babysitting these four very young foster kids, doing all the work with no help from her unemployed live-in boyfriend with promises of $15 pay. She had quit her job and was going to a "training seminar" for some pyramid scheme toy company. After his convenient lies about me shaking the baby, she punished me by docking my pay. She made me feel so horrible that I told her she didn't have to pay me anything. Boom. Problem solved.
11) Narcissistic parents lie by omission of truth. They don't speak up for you when they should. They fail to defend you and leave you vulnerable. They leave out facts that show up their wrong acts. My mom accepted her boyfriend's version when she knew how viciously abusive he was. She leveraged the fact that I was easily shamed, against me.
12) Narcissistic parents trap you into silence with disingenuous lies. They promise not to tell people some horrible thing you supposedly did when what they are protecting is their own bad behavior. In the babysitting situation, she said we wouldn't speak of it again. Which at the time was a relief because I felt suicidally ashamed. She knew this and used it against me. It took me nearly 5 decades to realize that she was afraid I'd tell someone that her abusive boyfriend was living there, and that she'd left and put me in charge of four kids.
13) Narcissistic parents conveniently forget. I complied and kept the secret. The guilt got so bad it almost consumed me. I believed I should never have children. It came out a few years ago when I was trying to comfort her. She supposedly had no recollection of any of that happening. She had closed a door and moved on. Leaving me alone and hurting in my 11-year-old brain.
15) Narcissistic parents' versions morph and evolve. Shortly after this, the state closed her foster care home due to abuse allegations. She claimed that they were fabricated when I specifically recall her boyfriend switching the kids. Then she said it was his fault. As I remember she laughed when he did it. Then she said everyone overreacted and it was "just a little twig" he hit them with. There was no mention of me "shaking the baby" then. But there wouldn't be, because she would have been the one they found guilty. I see that now. I didn't then.
15) Narcissistic parents backpeddle. When I mentioned what had happened, she denied ever even leaving me with the kids. Let alone with her boyfriend. Let alone me being forced to co-sleep in a tiny room with the kids while they slept two floors down. Let alone my room being given to my uncle and his girlfriend. She said "I wouldn't have done any of that because I would have lost my foster care license." So she knew it was wrong at the time.
16) Narcissistic parents make up scary fables about their children which they implant in their brains. My lazy, unemployed, sexually abusive stepfather who with my mother was living off my child support, would curse and rage at me about what a terrible person I was. He accused me of unspeakable things, including but not limited to, the baby shaking. When he illegally kicked me out, he managed to convince me that it was my fault. He had me so traumatized that I damn near ended my life. It has taken all my life to begin to realize that he was actually guilty of everything he accused me of.
17) Narcissistic parents accuse you of things they do. They concoct stories that direct attention onto their kids and deflect it from their bad behavior. My aggressively angry father and his passive-aggressive second wife told everyone that I was an angry, disobedient kid. The truth was that I was too biddable and they were exploiting my sweet nature to make me unpaid servant. And routinely shaming me and blaming me for everything.
18) Narcissistic parents embed memories in their kid's brain that never happened. My mother routinely slapped my face because she said I was "sassy." She say in an ugly facetious way, "listen here, Sister Sue, don't you dare talk to me that way!" I believed I must have been mouthy yet I can't recall saying anything. All I remember is the crack across the face, not what prompted it. In fact, I can't think what I could have said, being a cowed child who was very careful not to set people off. So I have to conclude that these are manufactured memories though they seem real.
19) Narcissistic parents defend their lies with lies. They can't keep their stories straight. My mother used to brag about slapping me. How I so provoked her. But it wasn't hitting it was just "correction". Then she said she had to stop because one time I raised my hand to "hit her back." Which I see now was just self-defense. But I was "hitting" and how dare you raise your hand to me when I'm raising my hand to you!
20) Narcissists use their past lies against you. They get you to believe something then turn it around to punish you. They hit you when you are down. I believed that she was right to hit me. And she would quote scripture about not sparing the rod and to punish my kids. And I, I'm embarrassed to say did spank them. I didn't feel right but she suggested I was failing God if I didn't. But then, when I had a nervous breakdown and checked myself into a mental health facility, she went behind my back and told my kids that I was abusing them. They reminded her of how she's hit me and she denied ever doing it. So cunningly twisty.
In summary, narcissistic parents constantly invent and reinvent lies. They play one endless shell game. They have to, in order to keep previous lies from surfacing. They inject their poison into their kids' little minds from the beginning. They infect them with evil till the child cannot think straight and cannot tell truth from lie.
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