Hi friends. I'm working to sort out CPTSD from decades of parental abuse, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, invalidation, manipulation, triangulation, exploitation, parentification, shaming, family scapegoating and gaslighting by four narcissistic parents. Today I'm sharing disturbing and frightening symptoms of childhood trauma that persist in adulthood.
Twisted body and face: I stand crooked, smile crookedly and just look bent. This is from years of staying small and crouched from deflecting verbal and physical blows. It's from sleeping in cramped, cold conditions. It's from keeping a smile which has become a grimace, pasted on my face. It's from gritting my teeth to stop hunger, cold, fear and shame. It's from biting my tongue too much. From being on jump ready to comply to their every command. It's from the physical effort of keeping pain and suffering, humiliation and shame squashed inside. It's from clamping my jaws together so as not to say anything especially not something that might set them off. It's squinting from years of neglected eye care. It's from staying frozen. And from too much parent-inflicted hurt.
Confusion, fugue, dissociation: Brain damage from years of needless stress and chaos released floods of cortisol and adrenaline which have corroded my brain. I'm always in a fog. My brain works in spurts and so my thoughts get easily jumbled. I mentally edit and re-edit everything I say just in case it offends someone. Because the slightest thing always did. I can't even write a full word without shaking and fritzing.
Easily wearied: I carried the weight of four narcissistic parents, their five kids and assorted people in their foster care homes. I was servant, surrogate parent, surrogate spouse and scapegoat. So now, the simplest of tasks exhaust me.
Constant pain: Bearing adults' burdens from childhood, performing tasks that were too heavy and demanding, being deprived of basic care requirements have left me with pain everywhere. Back, neck, jaw, hands, feet, hips, headaches, ulcer, even sinus. My skin is damaged from autoimmune problems brought on by a depleted immune system.
Speech problems: I lisp, stutter and often can't put two words together, let alone form sentences. Having to be on guard not to upset my mother and her husband, my dad and his wife or any of their children, plus having to anticipate their every need, has made me hypervigilant. And paranoid.
Over-taxed limbic system. I'm jumpy. I start at every noise because it might be and usually was, danger. I was terrified, still am, of balloons, thunder, drums, explosions, guns, fireworks and other loud noises. They paralyze me. This is CPTSD.
Damaged reflexes. My drained nervous system has made me clumsy. My over-activated stress response from years of narcissistic parents' manufactured crises, have left me unable to respond promptly to real problems.
Poor coordination: Years of hopping through ever-changing narcissistic parents' hoops, from falling under too big a load, have crippled me and made me clumsy.
Nightmares: from decades of bad memories vying for attention I always denied them. I'm always expected to do many things at once by demanding, implacable people. I don't know what it is or how to do it. I have to cook, clean, care for kids, teach school, drive people places. It's so overwhelming. I have more dream memories that actual memories.
Sleep problems: I fall asleep everywhere and then can't fall asleep when I should. You can see the heaviness in my eyes even as a kid. I can remember maybe five times in my life when I slept soundly through the night. I haven't awakened refreshed in decades. Even as young child, I had to drag myself out of bed.
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