Hi friends. I'm working to learn how to cope with CPTSD from parental narcissistic abuse, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, scapegoating, exploitation, parentification, invalidation and gaslighting. My situation is unique in that I have four very self-centered parents, two bio and their new spouses. I'm starting a series on how parents abuse kids in second marriages. I'm opening with my conclusion that step families are a contradiction to God's will and common sense. This is going to provoke so hear me out.
So normally, I'd begin with a bunch of disclaimers to avoid offending people. I'm a people pleaser who is used to her ideas being dismissed and shot down. In my case by parents in whose vested interest it was to keep me second guessing myself. But I'm not backing down on this one.
So, what does the Bible have to say about stepparents: nothing. And why? Because the entire concept is a contravention of God's will. He has a lot to say about divorce and none of it good. But, just for curiosity, I Googled why. And there was a lot of backpeddling from Christian sources, about how God really does address it, we just don't recognize it. How St. Joseph was Jesus's stepfather. Which is anathema. He was a foster father. Mary didn't divorce the Holy Spirit to marry Joseph. And other such nonsense. The Bible doesn't cover it because it's not in God's plan.
The Bible doesn't stutter. God says "I hate divorce." It was only given to people because they were determined to bust up families. So God did as much damage control as He could. Marriage is a sacrament. Now obviously there are situations, where it is permissible: infidelity, abandonment and the first marriage not be sacramental. Possibly in cases of extreme addiction.
But what the Bible really eschews is second (third, fourth, etc) marriages, particularly when there are children from the real one. Note I don't say first. That implies there will be a second, etc. And worst of all is the bringing other children into this sham family. Now you will probably say, well Christians get divorced and remarried all the time. Yep. People do a lot of things the Bible says are wrong but frequency doesn't make it right.
I find it ironic that the very people who are pontificating to others about how they should live their lives are often divorced and married again, themselves. Because we have this habit of hand selecting which parts of scripture we would like to follow. We scrutinize others' eyes for specks and not only ignore but justify the board in our own. Best of all is when we can gaslight others into believing others our sin is actually good and that we are righteous by doing it.
Okay so admittedly my experience was really bad. My parents blew our family apart. (back in the day they called it what it really was "broken homes" not the so euphemistic "blended family." I hate that term. Then they got "remarried" as they put it. Like it was some kind of rematch or picture retake. Because they didn't like the first one they could just wave a wand and magic it--and me--away. And start a new family as if I didn't exist.
I became the silent homeless, being shunted to and fro at everyone's convenience but mine. They bought homes with no thought to having room for me. I slept on couches and cast off beds. I was moved out of "my" room and in with the baby whenever they had one. I lived in a cobble job hodge podge of "dad's home" and mom's home and then Ginny's home and Bill's home. Never mine. There was no blending about it. It was a cracked and busted mess and the cracks just got deeper and more dangerous.
And to hear them talk, this was all God's will. The gaslighting was palpable. Using a lot of babble, they conned me into believing that I now had four parents. Funny though, these new "stepparents" didn't take care of me any better than the first two. They were just two more supervisors who I was also responsible to care for. Then they had a bunch of kids that were my responsibility too. By the age of 14, I was essentially mom to 8 people.
So my experience, you may argue, is extreme. But I don't think it's as unusual as we might wish. When parents remarry, their children from their real one are often kicked to the curb. Because they are older they often have way too much expectation placed on them. They are relegated to sharing rooms with babies. Because their parents who were too lazy and selfish to work at their marriage are also too lazy and selfish to raise their children.
Or to work at their second marriages. I became not only a surrogate parent but surrogate spouse to each of the adults in my life in a sick kind of psychological incest. As I've said before, my parents screwed up their first marriages and by God they weren't going to let me screw up their second ones. And they could have gone had their shiny new families free and clear if it wasn't for me. So I was to blame not only for the divorce but them getting married in the first place.
Yes, I hear how effed up that sounds. But I'm not making it up. I was told these things in some way or another. My mom used to say when she would visit me "I have to get home to my family." Oof, thanks, Ma. My father would list the ways I had let "mummy" (his new wife) down and then offer up my services to "fix" her. They slept in a soundproof room while I got up at night with their kids.
So how do parents manage to achieve this fantasy. Well, let's not overlook the complete fabrication of lies the kid is told. Lies which lay eggs and distort everything for that child. The terms they use. "His house" in reference to my mother's unemployed, shiftless boyfriend when it was our house he moved into and they were living on my dad's child support. "Your mother" in reference to dad's new wife.
Back to the Bible on this. The Bible which they quote all the time, btw. You know how the right wingers love the term "marriage equals one man and one woman?" Yeah so they focus on the nouns, but overlook an important part of that equation which are the adjectives. ONE man and ONE woman. God created children to have two parents. Not four or eight or 26 or however many other adults their parents want to shove into their lives.
Two people had authority over me, not the rabble. And about this authority which I'm supposed to honor. There's more to it. Parents are to care for their children, to love them as God loves them, to give good things, not to bind them up to burdens they don't carry, not to be a millstone around their necks, not to anger (stress, harm, neglect, abuse, abandon, endanger, exploit, scapegoat, parentify, invalidate, gaslight) them.
In my case, the transaction was one-sided with me doing all of the giving and obeying and receiving nothing but negative in return.
Can people do better? Can second marriages or relationships be managed so that children aren't left out, exploited or harmed by it? I certainly hope so. There are a lot of these situations. But let's not kid ourselves. It's never the ideal. The bible is clear on that. I'll blog more about how people who are in a parent role with other peoples' children can be better.
No comments:
Post a Comment