Hi friends. I've been working on healing from a lifetime of parental narcissistic abuse. I listen to several helpful online psychologists and one is Dr. Ramani. I just finished her video on what to expect when the narcissist's mask slips. And I recalled the few times I've seen my narcissist parent's cover blown. It ain't pretty. In fact, it's scary as hell. I took the full force of it. But, thanks to all the gaslighting, I always believed it was something I'd done wrong.
So I got to thinking about some of these experiences and decided to try my newly-learned skill of looking at things more clearly. Of not automatically blaming myself and actually holding the perpetrators accountable. To say what happened. What I learned was very interesting. And scary. But helpful.
First a quick history. I had the misfortune to be "raised" by four narcissistic people, my two biological parents and their new spouses. Each had their own blend of narcissism/histrionic/antisocial behaviors. As a group, they were a force to be reckoned with. I've been abused in all forms, neglected, abandoned, endangered, exploited, parentified, invalidated, shamed scapegoated and gaslit by all of them separately and collectively throughout my life.
I never caught on till last year just how fullblown my parents were. And I certainly never associated the terrifying things they did with any wrong on their part. Like I said, the narrative was that it was all me that caused it. But yanno, I'm a parent and now a grandparent. And I can't think of anything my kids could do to unleash the kinds behaviors they hit me with.
So that's where I started, by looking at what happened with the eyes of a loving adult parent instead of a gaslit, shell-shocked, traumatized, shamed kid. And I can see the disconnects so clearly. Dr. Ramani explains how narcissists hide their behavior by keeping everyone baffled by their BS and hopping to their tune. But if someone should step out of line, or if the narcissist is just tired or feeling fat or threatened, then the mask slips and their real face is exposed.
And I realized that this is exactly what those shitshows I'd lived through, were. Not me screwing up, but them being or just feeling exposed. A few things you need to know, if you've not witnessed a narc meltdown are thus:
The explosion comes out of nowhere
The behavior is waaaaay exaggerated.
The provocation, if you can call it that, is imagined or minimal at best.
It is always something they did or caused but will blame it on others.
They are the victim and everyone else is at fault.
They are experiencing the feelings of insecurity and shame that they have routinely made others feel. And they don't like it.
IT IS TERRIFYING
Let's take the example I've shared in which my mother threw a pie in my face at her company work party. And her other daughter pushed my son's face in another pie. That was so out of the blue. This was a nice family picnic, not a drunken free-for-all frat party. Everyone was shocked. From her bosses, to coworkers to random people at the park. I gasped so deeply that I aspirated some of the pie and started choking. My son was equally shocked and struggled to breathe. No one laughed except her husband who was laughing hysterically. Then she got mad at me for not being able to take a joke.
This was about 28 years ago. My mother only just brought it up about a year ago. She said she wanted to apologize. I told her I accepted it. But I realized I don't. Waiting 27 years to say something tells me she only did it to make herself feel better. Not me. Or my son. And her curious response when I asked her why she did it, told me all I needed to know about how sorry she wasn't.
So, back then, I was still gaslit into taking the blame for every shitty thing she did to me. And to others. When she apologized I asked why she did it. And then just fed her the lines by saying "did I do something to make you nervous?" So nervous that you picked up a pie, as you do, and threw it at me? (yeah I was really self-debasing back then). She jumped on that and said I reminded her of her own "disapproving" mother. (who would have only been disapproving of my mother's bizarre behavior in throwing the damn pie in the first place).
But back then, I actually bought that malarky and felt sorry for her. So she's able to regain the moral high ground. Mom wouldn't do anything shitty to me without a good reason. And I apologized like I always did.
And not only does she get to feel justified because bad Mary made her feel bad, poor grandma always gets blamed when mom does weird things. She always says she feels so out of place at extended family gatherings because "they" make her feel that way. But then she goes out of her way to say and do odd things. Like laughing loudly, talking during a speech or waving her hand in the air and yelling "amen" at her brother's funeral. She fake limps and has to be helped by four people to sit down and is fine when no one is looking. And it's always "her" family not any of ours. We're just her miserable, cringing entourage.
Then her crazy husband who actually has been abusive for most of his life, goes off half-cocked and gets angry with the family who has done nothing wrong. Stupid shit is done and said. And she preens herself that her brave "hubbie" stuck up for her against her mean family, when all he did was do what he always does and sprays venom. And we all leave miserable and have to hear all the way about how mean they are to her. She did the same shit to my also-narcissistic father and he went off half-cocked too. Such fun. Like damned reality TV show.
But looking at this with my newfound clarity, I see exactly what Dr. Ramani was talking about and what happened and why. The pie came first, not the embarrassment. Mom felt nervous and didn't like it. So it had to be someone's fault. My mother has this habit of blaming her weird behavior on others. But I see now, that she always starts it. And she sets people up.
She will do really odd things, like wearing a nightgown to my granddaughter's baptism. Or talking about her vulva and vagina at a family gathering. Or farting loudly in public. She then waits for someone to notice or respond and then nails them for "judging her" and making her feel awkward. And then does more weird things. It's complicated but also very obvious. And we've all just gotten used to being uncomfortable so grandma doesn't have to. Some of us even blame ourselves for feeling uncomfortable and not being better at hiding our embarrassment.
In the pie-throwing incident, she was laying for a fight before the picnic even kicked off. It was her idea to have a pie eating contest which no one else was on board with. They had a certain tone they wanted for the event and a reputation to protect. This did not include a tacky pie eating contest. They agreed but said no children could participate. I had no intention of letting my kids participate because I thought it was tacky too. I didn't say anything or let on how I felt. We came and were having a great time.
Well, pie contest time comes and not one adult would participate except my mom and sister. She begged me to and I said no thanks. Her husband wouldn't either. My kids being kids wanted to and so I gave in. And then in front of everyone, she walloped me with a pie and her daughter pushed my young son's face in his. Which is incredibly dangerous, of course. Children asphyxiate doing stunts like this. I was hurrying to clear his face while he coughed. Everyone took a huge step back and she and her husband laughed their fool heads off.
I was livid, had to walk my kids through the park covered in food. A kind lady in the bathroom helped me clean them up. I could tell she was thinking WTH? But maybe she just felt sorry for us. I would have, if I'd seen someone in this situation. Did my mom help? Nope. My mom and her husband were busy washing up in the ice buckets. I cringe remembering the pieces of icky pie floating in someone's nice cooler.
So how is this a narc meltdown? Because again, she does awkward things that make everyone uncomfortable but no one can actually admit it. And my mom thwarted equals punishment for others. Even innocent bystanders. She felt out-classed and was pouting that no one played along. Maybe she was planning to nail others too. I think she was hoping to start a food fight. As if this was Animal House, so cringey. I actually remember her sententiously criticizing some kids having a food fight. But then, it wasn't her idea.
So instead of backing down and foregoing it as everyone else wisely suggested, she dug her heels in and decided to get even. One thing you learn in living with a narcissist is that if you don't give them their way, heads will roll.
And misery loves company. She wanted us to be as embarrassed as she felt. She says she didn't know what came over her. But my husband feels that she had it planned all along. It wasn't enough to just enjoy a picnic with her grandkids. Someone had to be made to feel icky. And as so often happened, that someone was me.
Because the fact is, narcissists (and histrionic) are very jealous and competitive. It's not enough that they win. Some else has to lose. They thrive on making people feel uncomfortable. Especially people they feel are threats. Or who are getting the attention they feel they deserve. If you cross your narc or are just in the perimeter if they are crossed, watch out. There's a pie with your name on it.
No comments:
Post a Comment