Hey friends. Today in my quest to heal from, or at least just come to grips with, my CPTSD, I'm going to share weird things people with CPTSD do and how it stems from childhood trauma. I've shared a lot of my back story of abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, invalidation, parentification, family scapegoating and gaslighting about it all from four very self-absorbed, narcissistic parents. You can check out my past posts if you want. Right now let's look at first person, how childhood trauma from narcissistic abuse, leaves a person with some very disturbing behaviors and ideas.
1) I'm always unsure of myself. Sometimes a lot. This looks like jumpy, flinchy agitation with no cause. It comes from always playing the "guess what the parents want, think, need, feel" game and losing. From being in the crosshairs of irrational, explosive anger (for trying on a sweater at a Christmas party) and punishment (for not knowing how to care for four special needs foster kids my mom left me with for a week. Actually for waking my mom's boyfriend). From major upheaval coming out of nowhere (being kicked out of the house at 16 from coming home and hour late).
2) I'm always disoriented. I babble and sometimes can't put two words together. I say odd things and then second guess myself and then explain. I don't pay attention to details and miss important things. Or I pay obsessive attention to things that don't require that much concentration. This comes from having to dissociate from the crazy, immoral, illegal, dangerous stuff I was being subjected to because there was no one to tell or help. From having to pretend that all is fine when it's not or that all is well when it's a hellish nightmare. From being so preoccupied with tuning out that I don't know when tune in.
3) I'm never not in people pleaser mode. I'm obsequious and hypervigilant. I catch myself in those cameras by the U-scan, always looking over my shoulder. I laugh nervously at everyone's jokes whether I think they're funny or not. I give in to everyone. I assume they're right and I'm wrong. I have a perma-grin. I'm the last one to bed and can only sleep when everyone is asleep. I'm on call 24-7-365. This comes from having to placate, serve and dance attendance on four parents and their other children.
4) I've never relax. I'm always afraid and anxious all the time. I can't sleep for the traumatic nightmares and crazy dreams. My hands shake and my stomach is in nots at the thought that someone is upset with me. Or just upset and that I can't fix it. I was terrified of my dad till the day he passed. And now I'm afraid of his voice in my head. He's always needs something that I'm not giving and is perpetually mad at me.
5) I'm humiliated. I feel out of place and foolish. This comes from so many embarrassing things happening to me. And from being the butt of parents' jokes.
6) I don't do things very well. I make dumb mistakes. I cut corners and am always in a hurry. That's because no one taught me how to do things or cared if I learned. I was left to figure out a lot on my own. And there were always so many people that seemed to expect so much all at once. I have a siren on my head and run around putting out fires.
7) I don't take very good care of myself or tend to my needs. I ignore chronic pain. This is because my health wasn't cared for. I was told I was showing off. I was not believed. Interestingly, I'm usually not exaggerating but downplaying. When I do go to the doctor, I find that the condition is much worse than I thought. I ignored a shoulder injury till it was in tatters. I ignored cellulitis till my finger was so swelled up that my rings had to be cut off.
8) I believe that others are morally superior to me. That their needs come first. Even when it's obvious to others that someone is pathologically narcissistic, is exploiting me or doesn't know what they are talking about. This comes from endless lies told to and about me, twisting of truth and gaslighting. I believe others' version of things and don't even realize that I have a perspective let alone that I can express it.
9) I don't get a lot of things. Basic things like how to drive. I wasn't taught. I had a full on panic attack with dysregulation at my first driver's training session. That didn't do much to help my social life. The instructor was shocked that I'd never been behind the wheel of a car.
10) I expect and believe I deserve, mistreatment. Things others take for granted don't apply to me. A bedroom, a pillow, Kotex, a home, medical care. And things most kids can't imagine, did. Sexual abuse, being left in a strange city with strangers at six, walking by myself to school and playing blocks from home alone. You know how people say "what parent would do such a thing?" That's usually the thing mine have done. Abuse, neglect, abandon, endanger, exploit, scapegoat, parentify. They always had a reason which was that I deserved it. I'm the exception to a lot of rules.
11) I live by two sets of rules. The stricter one that I have to follow and the much looser for others. Others need things. I can get by without. Others make mistakes. I purposely do wrong. Others lied to and about me then said I was the liar. Others demand things but I'm the selfish one. People who were malignantly, aggressively, passive-aggressively angry at me continually, and whom I waited on, said I had anger problems.
12) I get overwhelmed by big out of the blue emotions and sensations. I rage, and cry. I bite myself and rub out the teeth marks. I panic and beg and grovel. I spanked my kids when I didn't want to. Mostly I'm terrified. I don't know what of. As I get older and out of menopause they are easier to predict and plan for. In my childbearing years they were crippling.
13) I live in a fog of enigma. Things I know are wrong for others, I never realized were wrong for me. Things my parents would never do to their others children they routinely did to me. Things that were fine for me, were not good enough for my parents and their families. God had a lot of commands for me that parents and their kids weren't held to. There was a constant hypocritical paradox. So much so that I kind of fractured. I couldn't juxtapose the awful treatment with the loving parents they purported to be. So I buried the memories and feelings deep and just kept trying to please. And failing. And getting more and more fragmented.
14) I have horrific nightmares and bizarre dreams every single night, all night long. There's no rest. I think it might be God allowing these things to help me get to the root of all the pain. But they are exhausting. I could sleep all the time.
15) I have constant chronic pain that makes me walk funny. Problems that should have been dealt with when I was young, weren't. There was "no money." But there was money to take the expensive dog to the vet regularly. I also hold myself in very tense, uncomfortable positions, always ready for the next thing coming at me.
So the result is comprehensive, compound post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) But the weird thing is, that I look and seem just like a normal person. No one sees the mess I am unless they look very closely. But I don't allow that. I'm ashamed. And worried that it will scare them. I'm good at hiding, in plain sight.
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