Hey friends. I'm working on healing from CPTSD and toxic shamed caused by parental narcissistic abuse, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, invalidation, exploitation, CSA, parentification, manipulation, toxic shaming and gaslighting about it all. I've blogged a lot about general stuff but today I'm going to list some oddly specific examples of parental narcissistic abuse and gaslighting about it. Each of these experiences left horrific scarring, self-loathing and pain. Each came of of nowhere. And these are some of the weirder ones that stand out. But they are only a small pieces of the larger patterns. I also didn't see that they had done anything wrong at the time they happened. I believed it was somehow my fault.
1) Little Girl Lost. Left alone to wander in strange cities. We moved a lot. So I was always in some unfamiliar place. From the time I was 4, they let me wander alone in very unsafe situations and places. I used to play down at the docks in Haines AK when I was 6. At four, I picked up a dead rabbit alongside the road because I wanted to pet it and didn't know it was dead. There was no adult to tell me not to.
2) Daddy's little confidante. I was probably the only 5year old to know the word suicide. My dad used to tell me that he was planning to end it all. I'd cry and he'd callously snub me. After divorcing my mom, he, at 34, would take me on dates with his 17-year-old gf.
3) Mommy's sex therapist. My mother began cheating on my dad when I was 5. She had several affairs. She talked to me in very uncomfortable ways about sex, starting when I was 7 or so. She made out with boyfriends in front of me. She let them tell me dirty jokes and shame me for the size of my breasts (I was 11). She'd laugh with them. She moved a 15 year-old with a track record of molesting, into her foster care home and he molested me. She turned a blind eye when the neighbor kid sexually harassed me and then started dating his dad.
4) Everyone's surrogate parent. I was shuffled back and forth between their new families. Every time they had a baby I was removed from my room and made to sleep in the baby's room. And of course, get up at night with them. That began around 10. I was made to share a tiny room with my mom's four special needs foster care children while she slept with her boyfriend in a little "apartment" as she called it, in the basement. There was one room no one slept in that she kept for show, should the caseworker do a spot check. I just recalled that a few weeks ago and figured out why.
5) Living in a bordello. My mother moved her boyfriend into our home. This was unheard of in conservative 1970s Michigan. Then she kicked me out of my room so my unmarried uncle and his girlfriend could have my room. I want into the room with all the foster care kids. Then one of the girls she fostered would stay the night with her boyfriend. At one point there were 11 people living in a 3 bedroom house. All of which was illegal and ultimately lost her the foster care license. An extreme right-winger, she believes she is a pastor and in the moral majority. Her second husband divorced her for her constant lies.
6) Merry Christmas. My dad screamed at me in front of the entire family, including his new wife's family at Christmas. I had asked and been given permission to try on my sweater. His other kids were off playing with their new stuff. He called me selfish, ungrateful and spoiled. He shocked everyone.
7) Homeless at 16. My mom's unemployed, lazy and abusive husband kicked me out of "his" house when I was 16. A house that my dad's child support was being used to pay for. They were living on welfare. I had come home an hour late. Actually I was home on time, just sitting in the yard talking to boyfriend. My mother let him evict me. She gaslit me into believing, till I was 59,. that it was my fault. My husband says he remembers when he first met me that I fully believed I brought it on myself. It never occurred to me that this was illegal. They would later go on to lose their son in a negligent accident. He was left to play alone too.
8) Beaten for a too small smile. When I lived with my dad, I did pretty much all the housework including caring for their adult foster care folks. I was moved out of my room and put in with the baby. This happened twice in separate homes. My dad and his wife had a suite with AC and a fountain to drown out any noise. I was locked in with the baby. My dad once beat me because I didn't act happy enough.
9) My mom told me she would pay for my first six months in an apartment in college so I could get out of my dad's house. After six months, she lied and said she'd only lent me the money and that I had to pay it back with interest. This was after cashed in my savings bonds from grandparents to support her unemployed abusive husband. She stole my car and my son's shoes.
10) Pie in the face. My mother invited me and my children to her work picnic. She had pestered organizers to have a pie eating contest. They didn't want to but gave in. No one participated except my mom and her daughter. My kids begged to be allowed to so I let them (against my better judgement). As they were about to begin, she threw a pie in my face. Her daughter shoved my little son's face into his pie. He started to choke. I did too. Everyone was horrified except her husband who howled with laughter. She was angry with me for not being able to "take a joke."
No comments:
Post a Comment