Hello my friends. A quick background if you're new to this blog. For the past year, I've been working to heal my brain from a lifetime of parental narcissistic abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, toxic shaming, invalidation, scapegoating and gaslighting about it all. Today I'm looking at how grandiose narcissists see themselves. And also how this self-view makes them into covert and malignant narcissists as they age.
I lived under the regime of four narcissist parents, three grandiose and one covert narcissist. And at least two with histrionic and antisocial pattern behaviors. My bio parents were both raging grandiose narcissists who divorced and married other narcs. Life with them was one endless, constantly shifting crazy. I was so damaged in so many ways, by their assaults and gaslighting that I thought it was all my fault. I thought chronic nightmares, CPTSD, suicidally low self esteem and constant fear and shame was normal.
But recently I've permitted myself to identify the narcissism that drove them. And I realize that I have, as the child of four narcissists, I have a unique perspective into their thinking which is quite delusional and fantastical. I liken their inner world to a ballet or opera with themselves as prima donna. They always play the lead role never choir or even supporting.
No wonder my bio parents got divorced. Because there's room for only one diva in the spotlight. And interestingly, diva means goddess in Italian. So there's not even room for God on the stage let alone in the center. He must take a supporting role too. Which leads me to another interesting thing about how God was weaponized by the histrionic narcissists in my life.
I just listened to a podcast about Christian narcissists and how they kick God out of the driver's seat and exploit Him for their own ends. And wow, was this little girl shouting AMEN. The podcaster identified spot-on how they manipulate you into doing their will by calling it God's, twisting scripture, playing the victim and playing by two sets of rules. And if they can do to adults, think of how they damage their children. I definitely need to blog more about this religious abuse by narcissistic parents.
As a child, I remember my parents always being "on." As if there was a large adoring audience hanging on their every word. They did a lot of posturing, pontificating and speaking "ex cathedra." No matter how bizarre their behavior, they were convinced of their own infallibility. And like actors they came across very fake. Very pretentious.
Their behavior designed, I now see, to garner attention. They wanted the big impressive jobs that involved no work on their part. They never participated, they orchestrated. Committee work was far too pedestrian. Even just normal things people all do, like holding down jobs, or paying bills or keeping a roof over their daughter's head or providing for her was beneath them. Let the mere mortal extended family take care of that. And if they didn't or couldn't, oh well, Marilisa will be fine. Good enough for who it's for.
However, neither of my parents had any training in ministry or leadership. They were very dismissive of other's achievement and education. But for all that, they firmly believed that they were missionaries and preachers. My father actually went to Los Angeles after the Manson gang murders to convert the Manson girls. He was fully convinced that the authorities would just usher him in to solitary confinement. He had no idea where San Quentin was or how the penal system worked. He just knew that, like Saint Paul, the doors of the prison would magically open for him. They didn't.
Which might sound very brave and noble. I was gaslit into believing that for years. But when you consider that he had already dragged us across four time zones, on a missionary whim for which he did no preparation, and then left a wife and young daughter in this strange place on another whim, it doesn't sound so great. And when you also consider that my mother was leaving me to my own devices while dreaming up equally delusional fantasies and cheating on my dad, it's even worse. What it looks like, because it was, is child abandonment.
But narcissists will not see reason on anything. They get very upset when thwarted or questioned. And also very paranoid. Everyone is a hater. No one understands them. Oh how they've suffered. Why can't people just give them their way??? Well, I tried that all my life and it never worked, so yeah...
Throughout my life, they've done similar outlandish things. Like starting foster care homes but leaving the care to me. As a tween and teen. The menial labor is not for them. They will lie, cheat, scam, con and gaslight others into doing their work for them. And everyone else was supposed to play along. Or, actually, I say everyone else when really it was just me. I was the scapegoat. I was their only child and when they got remarried, their new families were treated very differently.
Which brings me to the second point which is, how over time and with age, grandiose becomes covert and malignant narcissism. As you might imagine, things often didn't pan out as my parents expected. People didn't line up for their performances. People said no. People disagreed. And those people were of course, hater bullies. But you can only play the victim card so many times before people start to see that there's no fire except the one you started.
Not everyone. Because my parents present as "good Christians." But it doesn't take long for others to see that they are only in it for what they can get. Not so much my dad. I think his narcissism was more genuinely delusional. But definitely my mom. People are opportunities, not friends. Relationships are very transactional. Preferably with the other person getting stung.
So their circles have become smaller. And as the show was over, the grand diva has had to go undercover. What's left is self-pity, more open hostility and lack of empathy. Passive-aggressive has given way to just aggressive. And as you age, it becomes exhausting to keep up the facade. All the bitterness and frustration of failed coups, cancelled performances and shattered fantasies, starts coming out.
She has decided that if she can't be the hottest one in the room, she'll be the most pathetic. Making up stories of abuse, hunger, neglect, poverty (all others' fault). She tells people she is homeless. Wearing nightgowns in public, feigning dementia, disability, hearing loss, memory loss and conditions that defy medical science. Shouting loudly in church, knowingly walking out into traffic expecting others to pull her back, purposely wandering off knowing others will be worried and come looking.
I think it's ironic that she has chosen these attention-seeking methods. These are all things she subjected me to as a child. I was not given enough to eat. Or a home or bed. I was left to wander alone from age 4, with no one to pull me back out of traffic. Many times, I wandered off and no one came looking.
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