Hello my friends. If you've been following my posts on CPTSD from parental narcissistic abuse, thank you. It's been difficult going back and reliving the abuse, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, exploitation, parentification, scapegoating, invalidation, toxic shaming and gaslighting by four narcissistic parent figures. I sometimes, no honestly, most of the time, feel like I'm drowning in it. Seriously, it's that bad.
I don't talk about it much, except on this blog and to a few trusted friends, for several reasons. First and probably worst of all, is the response I get from those who don't understand. I call these people trauma shamers. And you'll know who they are by their dismissive, patronizing, high-handed arrogance. If you tell them you were abused, they will make comments like "oh, that's a long time ago", "it's done and over", "just forgive them" "get over it", "move on", "they are your parents after all..." And worst of all, "you have to honor them because God says to.'
All of which feels like carbolic acid on a cut. It was a long time ago but it's also now because it happened every time I see them, more gaslighting and shaming, till I cut contact. And tell the voices in my head, my constant nightmares, my self-harming, self-shaming, self-gaslighting, self-hatred that it's all over. Wouldn't I just love to move on, to quit having CPTSD. It would be easier to kick a heroin-alcohol-glue sniffing habit than "get over" CPTSD. And forgive? Been there do that all the time. They're not sorry and it just gives them more fuel to hurt me.
And no, they are not my parents. Parents do not routinely exploit, endanger, abandon, scapegoat, abuse and neglect their child. I'm their daughter, as in the possessive, controlling, demanding way. They did not ever parent me. They made me parent them and their new spouses and kids. As per the commandment to "honor your parents" yeah that one got twisted all the time.
Honor meant one thing for me and something very different to my parents. Because in the larger sense of the command, it means honor God your father. And they did not do that. They honored themselves and all their whims and wishes no matter how contrary to scripture they were. And dragged me through it all. However, for me, honor meant blindly obey every weird and dangerous expectation they put on me.
And further, honor your parents doesn't include any random stranger they bring into your life and call parent. I have come to believe that there is no such thing as "stepmother" or "stepfather." They are your parents new spouses. A person has two parents and two only. Who could become friends but in my case were just harsh autocratic tyrants and abusers. Stay tuned for my post on how the false concept of "step families" can damage a child.
But back to the would-be helpful comments. First, they're not helpful they're harmful. And anyone who would say things like this to a childhood trauma survivor is not very healthy themselves. Because I said they don't understand. But that's just me being polite and politically correct again. It's really that they won't understand.
Anyone who would pooh-pooh abuse and neglect, who would cast doubt on a child's report of cruelty, has an ulterior motive. Either they're deaf, on the abuser's payroll, doing these things to their children or have a pathological lack of empathy. When someone tells me they have cancer, my first response is not to minimize and offer toxic positivity. My first response is to hug, cry, say I'm sorry. TO BLOODY WELL EMPATHIZE, NOT SHAME THEM!!
You need to know that if you are struggling with something, especially something so life-threatening as CPTSD, you must be very careful of who you share with. Trauma shamers are a special breed of sicko. Learn to identify them. You'll know them by the smarmy tone of voice and condescending facial expressions. If someone does this to you, no matter who they are, slam the door on the conversation and get away from them. They mean you no good.
I'll post more on this and other tools for coping with CPTSD.
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