I got it all wrong. I really am the problem.

 All the stuff I've written previously, I got wrong. All the abusive, neglectful, exploitative, harmful, dangerous things that  happened were what I deserved, just like they said. All the times they abandoned, excluded, shunned and scapegoated me, I brought on myself. Either that or it didn't  happen. I just made it up to show off and get attention. 

All the times I thought that by "helping out" when my dad demanded it, weren't good enough. In fact they were actually disobedience because I didn't have the right spirit. When my mom's boyfriend attacked me for "shaking a baby" he was right. I was and still am a worthless piece of shit. When he kicked me out of the house, he was right. I came home an hour late and deserved it. When my mom left me alone in Alaska with strangers, I was being selfish to feel scared. When she let her boyfriend mistreat me, it was his right. 

When I had to wait on my dad's new wife, that was fair. It wasn't my home and I had to earn my keep. And they could make up the rules as they went along. Being hungry a lot with no bedroom of my own, no time to myself,  being made to get up at night with the baby, having difficulty staying awake at school, that was perfectly okay and how selfish of me not to do it joyfully. And I should not feel good about helping because there is always more to do. More to give. If I'm giving on a exhausted empty stomach, who cares? 

This is where I am right now. I can't even cry although my eyes are overflowing with tears because I'm so disgusted with the mess I am. And how I've ruined so many peoples' lives. Where would I even begin to sort it out? I can never get it right. God has given up on me because I've let him down so many, many times.

But one question. Why then do I not remember doing these terrible things that my nightmares and voices in my head say I've done? Why do I remember trying so hard to get it right? Why do I remember loving others so much that it burns and aches? Worrying for them, agonizing over them? Why will it never be enough?