Dealing with shame of weight gain after 100 pound weight loss

 My friends, it's confession time. I posted recently that I had gained back some weight. I said I wasn't going to weigh myself because it's just so darn frustrating. I advised you who are trying to lose weight to avoid constant scale monitoring once you get a baseline. Well, I broke my own rule and weighed myself. And almost cried. I weigh 170 pounds after getting down to 140. I checked my last doctor visit to see what their scale said (being more accurate) and I was 182. And I am royally pissed. 

How did this happen?? Sure they weigh with coat, clothing, shoes and purse which is counter-productive and stupid. Which is why I ask them not to tell me. I'm angry too because I think they want to show that patients are obese so they can offer to treat the obesity and profit. When I weighed 199, a doctor recommended bariatric surgery! Now that's overweight for sure, but gastric bypass?? 

I declined the surgery offer and said I would lose weight on my own, which I did. So yes, now I'm obese (BMI wise) again. I have to wonder if BMI is another way to shame patients into some medical weight loss program.  Sure, the devil's advocates will say, it's not the scale that's at fault. Don't blame doctors because your BMI (body mass index) deems you obese. I'm not blaming, just trying to figure it out. And to avoid going down that rabbit hole of shame. 

And here's what's weird. Last time I weighed 182, I looked a lot different. I had a lot of white adipose tissue all over. My face was inflamed. Check out the top photo left from 2013. Now (bottom photo) the only place I can see that I've put on weight is in my belly and maybe upper thighs. My hands are a little swollen but I just had surgery. So it's healthier weight gain this time around?

I do a very physically active job now, where before I was sedentary. I'm not saying I'm super fit or muscular, but mores than before. And muscle weighs more than fat. So, as I posted earlier, I am back on the 1,200 calorie a day diet. I've cut wine, sweets, salty starch snacks and most "white foods" (pasta, bread, rice). I think I've had weight loss from the doctor visit a week and a half ago. 

But I'll be honest, I'm discouraged. Happy cat  has run out of happy. But it's Lent for us Catholics. And this just might be part of my desert experience. I'm going to offer up my meager sufferings for those who are really suffering. 

I've been blogging for eight years now about how I lost 100 pounds. I can reread my own posts and do what I did before and get these pounds off. I can research and continue to learn and add new ideas to my repertoire. It may be more difficult because I'm going to be off work for another month. And at 56, weight loss may be harder. I'm not making excuses, just cutting myself some slack if it's harder this time. And maybe I need to sort out why I'm feeling such shame. 

Thank you so much for letting me vent, my dears. Love you all! Keep the faith!