How I lost 100 pounds by taking responsibility for me, not my narcissist parents

 Dear friends. I had an AHA moment recently which I realize is part of how I lost 100 pounds. For the past few years, I've been connecting childhood trauma from narcissist parent abuse to weight gain, weight loss and unhealthy self-image. Today I'm going to explore how I lost 100 pounds and am healing CPTSD from narcissist parent abuse, by taking responsibility for me, not my narcissist parents. 

My epiphany came in the form of awareness of what my goal in healing CPTSD actually is. I am not trying to make my narcissist parents responsible for themselves. It's about me not taking responsibility for them anymore. Now that might seem like a no-brainer to anyone who was not a child of irresponsible, entitled, arrogant narcissists.  Obviously, parents take care of themselves and their children, not the other way around. Unless they need care when elderly and then it's still the child's choice, not an obligation. 

But that's not what narcissist parents teach us. They groom us to think we are beholden to them from the time we are born. We come into this world to care for them, as if they were the children and we the parents (parentification) in whatever ways they demand. But we're also the children.  We owe them support, soothing, feeding, cleaning up after AND loyalty, service, respect, obedience. They owe us nothing. 

In this way they play both ends for the middle. They are the parent or child in the parent-child relationship when that suits them. We are always the parent AND the child with all the demands of both. If Freud thought the normal Id-Ego-Superego personality model was difficult to juggle, he should have tried juggling all three at once. It's exhausting. And it sets the Transactional Analysis PAC model on it's ear. The Parent-Adult-Child child must guess which role her Id-Superego shifting people called parents want now. 

I recall at four, being very excited about a necklace birthday present my dad and I had gotten for my mom. I don't know which house we were it. I lived in 39 places before age 20. (That's another of their irresponsible treatments of me, not providing a consistent home). But I can remember placing it in the center of the chenille bedspread in a pretty package. I was very excited for her to open it. My center-of-the-universe mother said sarcastically "where are all my presents?" 

I thought she was really angry. She sure as hell acted like she wasy. And I started crying because I thought I'd failed her in some way. She laughed smugly in the "gotcha" way. She actually seemed to enjoy making me feel small. I guess she thought she was funny. My dad got angry with her and then she pouted and flounced off then apologized in a facetious backhanded way, saying "I was JUST kidding." I will say that if anyone  had ever joked like that with her, she would incandesce. 

I wasn't old enough to understand what just happened. I didn't have words for her behavior. I just know I felt awful. Dad just told me to calm down and wash my face like nothing had happened. So again, all my responsibility. Be the adult Marilisa. Let's not confront Nancy's shitty behavior. Let's not call out the fact that she gets off on scoring off other people. Even her little daughter. Who was supposed to just humor mother.  I was placating them before I even knew what it was. And was never soothed myself. I was parenting them when I didn't even know what it was like to be appropriately parented. 

This is one tiny example. But I've shared more in past posts. Parenting all four of my narcissist parents (oh yes, they married others as if two weren't enough) is just how I'm wired. As is not expecting any normal parenting from them.  But, BUT I also was the child whom they infantilized. Not in the overprotective way. They treated me like I was the immature, petulant and childish one. So I guess I believed it even though the childish behavior I mostly only saw in them. 

Not holding down jobs or supporting the family, moving every couple of months for some ridiculous scheme. Not providing, depriving, selling my toys and things to pay the bills. Not paying bills. Squatting and living off charity of other families. Mooching, freeloading, borrowing money and not repaying. Guilting other people into paying their way. Dragging me around God knows where for God knows why. That was them. 

AND THEN treating my like I was the freeloader because I needed a place to live. It went from them not providing for me when they were married and then dating to me suddenly being some kind of interloper when they found new people. Even when my mom moved her jobless boyfriend into our house. It was now HIS HOUSE. He called the shots, from the couch. And my dad's new wife who was only 14 years older than me, was suddenly mistress of all and had to be obeyed. She dictated if 10-y/o me would be allowed to live with them or not. Like she had a damn choice!! They were all so entitled and just made it up, gaslighting as they went. 

I can just hear my dad cajoling her, saying "think how much help Mary will be to you." Humph, help. Live in servant, nanny, cook, housekeeper, laundress, more like. I heard all the time about "earning my keep." Like I was the adult squatting in my parents' home. And if anyone says to me, that's just how it was then, I have a big BS for ya. It was nothing like that for any of my other family, agemates, classmates, friends, kids from church. And to this day, I've never met anyone who experienced this. Lucky me. 

And they never did any of this with their new children. They had all kinds of things, necessities, that I never was given. My mother is overfocused on any ache or pain my sister has (Munchausen's by Proxy) while completely uncaring of mine or my family's. Many times she's dismissed my dangerous health issues when I was an adult and a child: congenital hips, chronic strep throat, early onset arthritis, PMDD, Strep B virus, loss of stillborn babies, pre-vax Covid, shoulder surgery, 

All this Frankenstein-ing with role reversal doesn't translate well into real adulthood. We carry so much gaslighting, chaos, stress, mixed messages, confusion of responsibility and trauma with us. I recall sharing once at Al-anon how my mom needed so much from me and I felt so guilty. My mom had no real physical disabilities. My sponsor said point blank my mom was too young too need so much care. That it sounded like factitious disorder or Munchausen's. But I couldn't shake the feeling of obligation and guilt. 

They said I owed them money, time, care, to live in my basement rent-free. To be given my car. They actually stole one car and money. They do not honor agreements or bargains. They play the "we're family" card when they want something and demand paybacks like it was a business transaction when they do for me. They lie and say gifts were loans. I could go on and on. 

So yes, part of how I lost 100 pounds was to stop carrying their deadbeat selves. And I've never felt lighter. But you know the irritating thing? If I tell anyone I've gone no contact with them, or that I don't particularly care if they need or not, suddenly, folks are so concerned that I've failed my duty as a child to my parents. Suddenly, those who cared not on iota when I was on the neglect end start quoting scripture about how I have to take care of my parents when they are old. 

I've been taking care of them all my life!! Sure now they're old but they've played that card all their lives! They don't get to come back now, after double dipping and bleeding me dry, demanding their parental rights. They gave those up when they neglected, abused, exploited and parentified me and let other people do it to me. It has always been the Jack and Nancy, Bill and Ginny show. Two went to their graves with no remorse or admission of guilt, just shaming for me. 

All I ever heard about was them and their kids, never me. Every good or bad thing that happened to me or that I have done has been spun to be about them. It's like I never existed or was just a source of supply. And somehow I believed that and that's why my sense of self is so skewed. I really don't have one. And now I'm tapped out, burned out, like no amount of childcare could ever cause. Children grow and develop legs. Malignant narcissists just hang off you like Voldemort slowly sucking everything from you. They get whinier, more petulant, grabby, needy and entitled. I think that's why I have so much chronic pain from the stress of carrying them all and being so taken advantage of. 

 I'll be honest. I really don't care anymore. I don't care what they are suffering. I don't want to see them hurt but I don't want to listen anymore. So much of it has been self-inflicted or invented for pity. I'm sick playing along with their DARVO schemes. I don't know what's real and what's faked to get things. I've heard all my life my mother's various factitious disorder ailments. And I'm just bored by them now.

They've opened foster care homes to get rich quick and I was the one made to do all the work. My mother planned to take custody of a disabled girl for her SSI and a free house. It fell through. Because she's only always ever thought of  herself.  She moved me in to get the child support which they did not use for me. She kicked me out because their home was unfit and blamed me. They've made consistently bad choices for selfish ends. They've blown through every relationship by their scamming. They've had to move to keep ahead of the law. They have effed around and now they are finding out. Why would I continue to throw good money after bad? 

I don't think any of them miss me at all. They just miss what I provided. And that sucks. It's going to take me awhile to process how it feels to be so unloved and used. I wish I could just bury it in a box and walk away. I'm not holding onto these hurts. They won't let me go. Believe me, I would if I could. So prepare for more posts like this as I cleanse the memories. 

It's not about them and what they need or want anymore. If they are in need they should have thought of that and didn't. They should have appreciated me and didn't. I don't need to "rise above" or "be the bigger person." I am just by surviving their abuse. I don't want to hear "their side of things." They've had their say for too long. I've no interest in their justifications or reasons or apologies. If they were sorry, they'd have said so decades ago. Nothing can justify treating a child like this. 

What does this have to do with how I lost 100 pounds? Everything. Weight loss, like any other life change is about taking charge of your life. It's about ignoring the Hakken-Kraks gaslighting and plunging in, despite your fears or shamers. 

If that is disobeying God, I'll burn that bridge when I come to it. (to quote my wise husband). 

Toxic positivity and irrelevant unsolicited advice from blind guides derail healing

 Hello my friends. Today in my healing journey from narcissist parent abuse, I'm looking at how toxic positivity (or toxisplaining as Dr. Ramani calls it, great word!) and irrelevant advice derail healing. I was listening to Youtube psychologist Dr. Ramani talk about how damaging empathy for the narcissist can be to their victims' recovery. I was struck by how quick we are to listen to the "advice" (usually cloaked shaming) of irrelevant blind guides who have no understanding of , concern for nor connection to our experiences. 

I talking here about people who, when told some awful thing your narcissist mother or father did, will say "she meant well." "She did the best she could." (and you know this because...?) "He's a victim too." (so what?) "It's not that bad." (says you) Aren't you exaggerating a little?" (or downplaying) What did you do to bring it on yourself?" (SMH) "At least you had a mother and father." (where were they?)  "You should be grateful not complaining." "It's your mom I feel sorry for." (so does she) It's like they didn't hear a word you said. They just go right into shaming patronize mode.  WHEN THEY DO NOT EVEN KNOW YOUR MOTHER OR FATHER let alone were there when all the harm was happening! 

Let me illustrate with a story about one of my students. Andy was a very young 9, to start with being preoccupied with Pooh Bear, definitely on the spectrum but undiagnosed. Andy was very off-task and rarely able to contribute to classroom conversations.  Andy's dad used to take him to city hall meetings which Andy had no understanding of. Yet, in the middle of their conversation, Andy butted in with some irrelevant observation. When asked to sit down, Andy's dad said "I think we should listen to what this boy has to say." When the board members requested he be quiet, Andy and his father became angry and had to be asked to leave. 

Now Andy didn't mean any harm. But he also had nothing to add. He and his parents just lived on their own planet. He had no understanding or concern about the discussions. Andy was used butting in and not being challenged. He got very angry if he was. I had a dickens of a time teaching Andy appropriate social skills, most of which were undermined by the parents. Anyway. His "contribution" to the board meeting was about as helpful as those people who weigh in with unsolicited advice on your trauma. Except that Andy didn't know any better and these people do. 

Like Andy, they feel entitled (operative word) to weigh in. Unlike Andy, they weigh in on high stakes issues like our suffering with glib suggestions, axiomatic cliches, non-contextual Bible verses quoting and pointless comparisons and we feel obligated to take it to  heart. And that is what this post attempts to address. Not why they give idiotic, useless, detrimental unsolicited advice. They do because they do. And you know them by this habit. I would cut my tongue out before I gave unsolicited advice, especially toxic, demeaning, finger-pointing kind. I  know how it feels. And I don't know what they are going thru so I won't pretend I do. I will sit with them and hold space. 

What I want to address is why we give their toxic positivity or toxic splaining the time of day? Why do we even waste time listening to what is basically more abusive nonsense, let alone validating  it as some kind oracle? Why do we take them seriously and prioritize their irrational ramblings over our own common sense? Why do we let random people with no qualifications, dictate our experiences, "oughttas" and obligations for us?

Because those of us who have been narcissistically abused, especially us children of narcissist parents have been GROOMED and INDOCTRINATED to ignore our own valuable, reasonable, educated good judgement in favor of worthless, irrelevant, illogical, ignorant AGENDA-BASED opinions. We have been taught to cede control to the immature, childish Andy's in our life, and let them wreak havoc. We've learned to give them their way or suffer the consequences.  We've learned  to ignore our own wisdom, common sense, self care, etc. 

We are used to giving everyone airspace over ourselves, no matter what a waste of space their opinions are. Or how they contradict, dismiss, invalidate or minimize our experiences. Or how Code Red is our need for authentic support. We are literally choking to death and these people will throw us a trite, useless platitude instead of a life ring. And still we feel obliged to do what they say. We let the kittens man our spaceship. 

I do this all the time and it really grinds me when I realize I've just done it again. I will acknowledge frustration or admit concern or whatever. And someone will scold or patronize me. And I will automatically surrender to their superior wisdom. I will apologize for complaining, retract my statements, yada yada. I'm not sorry. I still feel that my assessment was right. But suddenly I'm ashamed of thinking or feeling that way. Just because someone scolded me. Doesn't matter who. I do it habitually, without thinking. Where self-care and confidence are kneejerk to most people, cowering in shame is my default response. 

Because I am accustomed to yielding anything, anywhere, anytime to anyone who wants it . And that is a dangerous, sorry state of affairs. I have been kicked and sucker punched and exploited and molested and stomped on TOO MANY TIMES TO COUNT all because I have been taught not to stand up for myself. Not just untaught but punished for self-care, self-protection, self-preservation. Freezing and fawning are ingrained defense mechanisms.

But now I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm starting to let my good sense not nonsense call the shots. First, I think it's interesting Dr. Ramani's term "toxic splaining" a morph of mansplaining. The root is explaining. Let's look at what's wrong with some random person "explaining" our lives and experiences to us." What monstrous arrogance! As if they can just take a quick peek and sum up all the abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, triangulation, scapegoating, parentification, invalidation, toxic shaming and gaslighting I endured from my narcissist parents with on pithy aphorism. 

And who are they to explain anything to us, let alone our most vulnerable pain and suffering? No one can or should be explaining us to ourselves. My dad pulled that shit all the time, acting like he was some kind of omniscient all-seeing eye into my soul. He "read my mind" and "knew me better than I knew myself." Well he should because he groomed me. He always had an offense for my defense, a retort or insult for me. He could "see inside me to my evil intentions I had no idea of." He was ordained by God to "ferret out" my sin and chastise me for my own good. Yet he never once comforted me. Ever.

Fuck. That. Noise. Jack. No more living rent-free in my head with all your God-playing pretenses. There is a God, I'm pretty sure. Though the one I've only known bears a strong resemblance to my narcissist parents. Well, your time is coming. Scripture tells us in 1 Timothy 5:8: "But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel". Any father who deprives, exploits, neglects and harms his child for his own selfish ends better beware. Just saying. 

As for these blind guides, we traumatized kids need to do a lot more vetting of anyone who would explain us to ourselves. 

In the picture, those clothes I'm wearing are rag bag specials while my dad and his wife lavished on themselves. He bought me one pair of shoes in my life. Everything else I had to pay for myself. And the house I lived in was theirs and I was only allowed to stay if I "did my share" which was actually pretty much all the housework, laundry, childcare etc. 

How I lost 100 pounds by realizing that narcissist parents shame weight gain and weight loss

 

Hello my friends. So as you know, a lot of my posts, if not all, are raw and sometimes triggering. I don't mince words. I've done too much defending others, candy-coating their actions and gaslighting and invalidating myself, for too long. It ends now. Today I'm going to share a snapshot of how I have felt about myself and the cruel things I have done and said and believed about myself, prompted by abuse, neglect and exploitation of narcissist parents. 

Then I'm going to share how I lost 100 pounds by realizing that malignant narcissists (dark tetrads) shame you for weight gain or weight loss. It will always ever be about you being humiliated, put down, harshly and unfairly criticized, faulted, blamed, attacked by the nasty people. Not because you deserve any of it (does anyone ever deserve to be attacked?). They do it because they get narcissistic supply (or in layman's terms "their kicks") out of seeing you suffer. Some people (good people) get ahead on their own merit. Malignant, vulnerable, passive-aggressive narcissists get ahead by stepping on others. 

So part of how I lost 100 pounds was to stop being the human punching bag, the scapegoat, the fall girl  and to pull a "dressmaker." If you've seen the movie with Judy Davis and Kate Winslet, you'll get the reference. If you haven't you should. It has a lot to teach not only about stepping out of the path of bullies but also about shutting off their gaslighting and not letting them tell you who or what you are. 

Which is another part of how I lost 100 pounds and how I gained it in the first place. I had to go against all the naysayers and just do it. I had to push past the pain and the gaslighting and the shaming and the derogatory bilgewater. I had to get to a place where it couldn't trip me up and bury me. And it was uncomfortable as hell because one of my biggest detractors has always been me. Helped by four abusive narcissistic parents filling my head with all kinds of spiteful, malicious, hypocritical, weaponized lies and distortions about myself about being too selfish, too lazy, too proud (As if!) too sensitive, too critical, a show-off, attention-seeking. I couldn't win for losing. 

I was so utterly confused. There never was any right answer. Door numbers 1, 2 and 3 all  had the booby prizes. Wrong would shift and change and right was always in parent-defined flux. I felt like I was in a hall of mirrors or an endless tunnel. How could one kid be so terrible? And being a conscientious and also a very loving child, it was torture to me to know that I was always failing them 

I don't even know or care if they really did feel that way. I'm sure they just say I was "over-reacting, again." Well they surely never gave me any sign of getting it right. Or if there would be a few bread crumbs of  hope, it didn't take me long to screw things up. If just one person had told me it wasn't me it was them, I could have saved myself decades of self-harm. But no one ever addressed any of the very inappropriate, irresponsible, dangerous, exploitative, unsafe things that were happening to me. So I just believed them that I brought it on myself. 

And of course, now I think of it, they would never offer me the life ring. They had concocted a story about how I was the problem. I remember to her grave, my dad's wife blaming me for the strained relationship. And her poor relationships with her other children?! The people I raised and cared for as a child myself!! All the work I did for her, never once acknowledged or thanked. Just made to feel that it was never good enough. She ate, smoked and drugged herself to death, fed and waited on by my dad when I was no longer around. How he bitched about that but if I brought up anything about how she treated me, why then he got all sanctimonious and said how it was "covered by the blood." Funny, I guess his own rage against her wasn't. I guess forgiveness is something to tell your daughter to do, not to actually do yourself. She and my dad hated each other. He said he was glad to be rid of her when she died. But, I was the problem. 

And here's where it's gonna get raw. I have believed that all of my life. I've felt in my bones that people would be better off without me. I have always felt disgusted by myself, how I look, how I act. I feel stupid and clumsy and in the way. I just recalled recently with so much pain and embarrassment how foolish I have acted. I have disfigured myself, trying to purge or expiate this evil I feel lives in me. I'm never afraid of it for myself, just how it could harm my loved ones. I've done everything I've read or been told to cast it out. 

Now I see that what I felt as shame should have been rage at the people who were supposed to love, protect and uplift me dragging down the path toward hell with these unbearable feelings. Did they realize when they were saying and doing these things what affect it would have on me? Maybe I've exaggerated it or they didn't mean it like that. Well, I don't give a fat furry black rat's arse one way or the other. Because they sure as hell did and said them. And not one of those four self-centered prima donnas stopped to see if I was okay. Not one every apologized or retracted or showed remorse for any of it. 

So I'm done with cutting people slack who never have and never will cut me slack. I'm tired of pouring into a cracked cup. I'm tired of trusting leopard to changes their spots. I'm tired of my life revolving around exhausting, demanding, selfish black holes. I'm sick of falling for gaslighting lies. I'm tired of giving too much away, of cutting off vital resources of giving till it hurts only for them to come back demanding more. The definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing and expect different results.  

So I guess, how I lost 100 pounds and am beginning to free myself, is by not giving a damn anymore. The best forgiveness gets for me, is that I wish none of them evil. Although none of them has helped me through the evil the did to me. Just saying. 

Is this off topic? Not really, it's just hard to distill such enormous situations which have been happening over six decades, into one pithy title. How I lost 100 pounds was down to realizing that they shame weight loss or weight gain and everything else equally. They are only satisfied when they are on a narcissistic high, either from a feeling of superiority or by making someone else feel inferior. Damned if you do or don't. Your successes and failure are all fair game for a narcissist to twist to her own twisted purposes. 

The picture is me in the middle with my dad and his new wife and child. I was suffering so much depression, physical pain, anxiety, shame and exhaustion. More than the normal adolescent issues because I had recently been sexually assaulted. They never knew nor cared to know. All they cared about was that I do my duties and jumped when they said to. Duties which included endless back-breaking scrubbing and mopping on hands and knees, dishes, lugging laundry up three flights, dusting, childcare, ironing, carrying, vacuuming with a terribly heavy old vacuum. 

I thought I was fat and overweight then. I just realized it that I look thin. No money was spent on clothing, proper bedding, glasses, dental care, care for my back problems. This is how neglect and abuse warp your self-image. I did love the little boy in the picture though. Oh how I did. Sacrificing for the children in my life has never been a problem. That's part of how I lost 100 pounds and am working to get out of the emotional enslavement to my parents. I'm doing it for my family. My real family of children, husband and grandchildren. I want to give them a better version of me than I had. 

How narcissist parent abuse causes weight gain and extreme weight loss

 Hello my friends. Today on my journey to heal CPTSD, I'm looking at how narcissist parent abuse causes weight gain and also extreme weight loss in children and adult children. I experienced abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, manipulation, chronic invalidation, parentification, infantilization, scapegoating and gaslighting about it all throughout  my life, by four narcissist parents. My weight gain and weight loss has mirrored those this roller coaster ride. Part of how I lost 100 pounds was by rejecting my narcissist parents' invalidation. And I gained weight due to their narcissistic abuse.  Here's how narcissist parent abuse causes weight gain and weight loss. 

Chaos, chronic stress and cortisol spikes. This trifecta is devastating to a child's health. My narcissist parents put me through an endless roller coaster of chaotic, frightening, destabilizing experiences. They pushed me at dangerous people, including themselves. I've described my life as a crazy quilt where each little piece was completely different from the next. 

This caused me constant chronic stress, anxiety, fear, trauma nightmares (which have never gone away). I was nervous all the time. Which caused continual cortisol and adrenaline spike from the fight or flight panic responses. Actually, I never fought or flew because I couldn't. They would have punished me even more. So freeze and fawn were my trauma responses of choice. I spent a lot of time cramped in contorted positions, trying to hide and stay small. I used to hold my breath till it hurt, like a sailor on a submarine, to avoid detection and punishment. I still have trauma-induced shortness of breath because of that. 

All this chaotic stress causes corrosive cortisol and adrenaline bursts that scar nerves and brain. It causes the flinch or jump response that soldiers with shell shock exhibit. Just yesterday, I jumped a foot when the gas pump suddenly shut and made a noise. Balloons popping, thunder, drums, terrified me. I can still feel the nausea rising in my throat. And these toxic spikes caused the liver to slow insulin production and store fat to protect the child. 

Which of course, leads to what society calls "juvenile obesity." I was put on a 1,000 calorie diet at age 8. This would be tantamount to child abuse now. Not only did he not account for baby fat, which I would and did lose in puberty, his starvation diet crippled my protective resources. I was tired and sick a lot. And no one ever explored the weaponized trauma my narcissist parents were subjecting me to and how that might have been related. It would have been nice if just one person and connected the dots. 

But that leads me to another issue about how society shames weight gain We treat fat people and kids like, lazy, selfish idiots not people in need of support. When I was young it was perfectly fine for bullying kids to taunt us about our weight. I was called Whale-O and Blimp. And thin kids didn't escape either, being called zipper and scarecrow. It's obscene how adult didn't interfere, including my parents. My mother just preened herself on her sexy body, compared to my chubby self. They join in jeering the child for weight gain they created. I still nightmare about this. 

And as if that wasn't bad enough, narcissist parent abuse can also cause extreme weight loss and not the good kind. This isn't monitored healthy weight loss, with mindful calorie restricting as was part of how I lost 100 pounds. This is starvation diet like the 1,000 calorie diet my mom put me on. (Actually I think she calorie restricted me even more, letting me only have 800 calories a day). 

The parent doesn't teach safe, healthy eating. She took me to Dunkin Donuts, KFC and Burger King. It was our dinner. So causing weight gain with improper food but then humiliating the child for gaining weight AND then putting her on a starvation diet. All while not attending to my actual  health care needs. I'd had recurrent sore throats for so long I couldn't' remember when it didn't hurt. I had strep throat several times a year (this in itself a sign of parent endangerment). I took penicillin daily for months along with penicillin injections. But my mother paid no attention, till finally my grandparents insisted she get me better care. And my dad is culpable too. He was always off doing his own thing, never bothering about me while lavishing the best on his new wife and family. 

When the doc finally removed my tonsils, they exploded. I was so sick and didn't eat for at least 2-3 weeks. I lost 12 pounds in that time, almost a pound a day. My mom never noticed I wasn't eating. I didn't hide it. She just didn't bother to check. One day, my friend was visiting and I began to cry because my throat was so sore. The friend told my mom and she got mad at me, forced me to eat applesauce which is like vitriol on open tonsillectomy wounds. I wouldn't and she yelled and prayed over me. I never did eat it. A few weeks later my dad took me to a carnival with his wife and I ate a hotdog. But not because anyone cared that I ate. I never told me dad that this was the first food I'd had in 3 weeks. He just shrugged. 

I always thought of myself as fat and overweight, despite being actually quite thin. I put on a bit living with my mom and her abusive husband. They had a farm and didn't practice good hygiene or food safety. Their little daughter got herpes and once pooped out an enormous worm. I almost passed out. My mother took the kids to an elderly animal hoarder for childcare. So she didn't have to pay so  much. The home stunk and the  children got infested with fleas. I had to use diapers for sanitary pads or buy my own. 

I walked a mile and a half to school in frigid 1980s winters. I had to be there by 7 for my job and my hair would freeze. My stepfather put old tires and fuel oil in the woodstove because he was too lazy to cut wood. Which was supposed to be his home business and which they robbed my child support and college saving to fund. I slept on an unheated porch and then they kicked me out of the house. Probably because someone reported their awful living conditions but didn't follow up. So the solution was to get rid of me. 

During that time, I suffered with  wisdom teeth pain. Finally, my mom took me to a dentist who pulled the teeth, severing a nerve that has never healed and did not follow up. He put me on Darvon which didn't ease the pain. I was living with an elderly lady and not allowed  home to  heal. My face swelled up so much I looked like I had mumps. I suspect I developed dry socket the pain was so intense and lasted so long, but no one ever checked. I was still working and maintaining good grades. 

But because no one every took care of me, I never learned self-care. I didn't have proper protective clothing for winter. I didn't get enough to eat, only the bits my mom sent. I stole food I was so hungry. I didn't know what to pack for a sleepover. I looked very different from other kids. I've had so many dreams in which people who are taken care of and have what they need, get angry with me because I don't. We are in group situations and I'm trying to keep up but can't because I lack resources, skills and know-how. It's baffling and exhausting. 

Fast forward to college and I lost so much weight I got sick. I put myself through school with some grants and scholarships. I lived on summer earnings with no help from family. I put $900 in the bank in September and lived on that till May. It had to stretch to personal care, food, clothing, gas money, you name it. I didn't eat much and dropped down to 109 pounds. My mom said I looked like a skeleton. She didn't offer any help. I still thought I looked fat. It took me till a few months ago to realize that I had anorexia. Not from starving myself on purpose but from shitty self-care and shitty parents who didn't care. 

Even through having babies I was normal to underweight. My narcissist parents continued their campaign of  shame. I was so depressed that I lost two stillborn babies. Which kicked depression into suicidal low. My  milk came in but with no nursing babies, I gained weight. I started drinking when my youngest was about 10. To try and quell the pain of my narcissist parent's abuse. I was self-harming. Their shaming escalated. Along the thefts, rage, exploitation, gaslighting and humiliation. I was trying so hard to homeschool (did a pretty good job) be a good wife, daughter, mother, everything. 

I just kept putting on weight till one day I decided not to. I saw myself so fat and hated it. And decided to do something. It wasn't the realization of how fat I was but how much I hated myself. That was part of how I lost 100 pounds by learning to like or at least tolerate myself for once. But you know what's telling? My narcissist parents leveraged not only weight gain but weight loss against me too. 

My mother was getting older and not the sexy things she'd once believed herself. And now with chubby little Marilisa or fat older Marilisa not there to compare herself to, she showed her true colors. Someone else's weight loss is a real narcissistic injury. She would passive-aggressively insult me or pout and throw a pity party for attention. She literally once poked my husband (who has always been slender) in the stomach and said "you're getting fat!" 

She loudly insulted a young woman for being "SO SKINNY" at her doctor's office. It looked like the poor girl already struggled with weight. I could have slapped my mother. She would brag up her golden child for being "so svelte and slender." Golden child is neither. She'd exaggerate any tiny thing golden girl did to scorn my achievements. I became a top 10 writer on Yahoo! And she dismissed it. Then demanded to know how she could cash in. She threw a pie in my face at her company work party, she said to "take me down a peg." I was just enjoying myself and visiting. But she had to be the center of attention, no matter what the cost. 

Realization of my narcissist parents cruel abuse would come later. But part of how I lost 100 pounds was to begin the journey. 

How I lost 100 pounds by muzzling narcissist parent shaming and humiliation

Hello my friends. Can I just say here how much I love Youtube psychologist and narcissism expert Dr. Ramani? Just when I think a question or issue regarding abuse by my narcissist parents, she addresses it. Today I'm looking at how my narcissist parents kept me fat, ugly and ridiculous so I didn't outshine them. And I'm going to explore how I lost 100 pounds by muzzling their intentional shame and humiliation of me.  

I know, you might so "no child is ugly." And about every other child in the world, I would agree. But not about myself. I cringe to see photos of  my awkward hair, silly clothing and chubby body. I actually thought to myself a few years ago "no wonder they didn't love me. I look like a fool." So that was heartbreaking but also a turning point for me to recall how I've always felt about myself. AND to trace back how they systematically made me look ridiculous to appease their narcissistic vanity and fantasized superiority.

After hearing a talk by Dr. Ramani on how narcissist parents criticize, belittle and mock their children to puff up their own egos, it occurred to me to ask Google AI about that. I asked "would a narcissist  mother dress her child funny and cut her hair in odd unflattering ways?" and also "would a narcissist mother keep her child chubby so she doesn't outshine the mom.?" Kind of like Munchausen's by Proxy or Factitious Disorder where the mother presents false images of herself and her child. 

And the AI results were a very clear "yes, she would." Then I noticed that many people on Reddit had commented on similar habits of narcissistic parents, to infantilize or make the child look ridiculous to contrast their own attractiveness. Instead of tennis shoes, I had to wear these uncomfortable loafers for play. And they make me clumsy. I was dead last chosen for teams in gym class. My mother bought cheap polyester shorts sets which made me look like an Easter egg, when kids my age were wearing cool
jeans and T-shirts. Family members gave me cute clothing but somehow, those always came up missing like so much of my stuff did. 

And that was when my parents bothered to get me clothing at all. I remember wearing a lot of ragbag items and they didn't need to. There was only me and they had plenty of  money to outfit themselves nicely. My mother prided herself on being "hot" wearing short mini skirts and go-go boots when no one else's mother did. It was uncomfortable to be around her in public because she would strut. But then weirdly, march us to church every week where she played the organ. She believed she was a minister, leading souls to God and preaching on sinful everyone else was. In her hotpants. 

I had long, thick beautiful hair that my grandparents were so proud of. My mother had it all hacked off into a pixie haircut which just accentuated my chubby face. The stylist was grief-stricken and tried to persuade my mother to just cut off a little. But nope, 28 inches, gone. She told everyone that I had requested a shorter haircut for swimming. I believed her for the longest time until one day, I realized I had no memory of doing that. 

She would feed me on Dunkin Donuts, Burger King and Colonel Sanders KFC and other fast food. Then the doctor said I was too fat and put me on a 1,000 calorie a day diet at 8. Funny she never took care of my real ailments till they were out of control. But she let a quack put her kid on a far too restrictive calorie counting diet. If he really did. Looking back it might have been another way for her to humiliate me around food and keep me tired and resource-deprived. 

She would announce loudly what size clothing I wore in stores, asking me if 11 chubby would fit or did I need the 13 chubby. She would tell family members how I was so fat that the doctor had to put me on a diet. I don't know if anyone contradicted her or told her it was unsafe. If they did, I never heard. I jus felt uglier and uglier. I see now that her weaponized negligence and my rock bottom low self esteem made me a target for sexual harassment, molestation and abuse. Countless older guys (like 20 when I was 13) have played on my vulnerabilities and lack of parental care, to do yucky things. They made me feel special. 

And in my generation, it was accepted practice for other kids to taunt and ridicule children who were "too thin" or "too fat." Girls, I think, got it worse than boys. I clearly remember Doug W. calling me "whale-o" and "blimp" and Bozo. I'd made matters worse by attempting to wear some makeup and when I gotten hit in the face with by a dodge ball (why the eff they let kids throw balls at each other with enough force to bruise is content for another post). I began to cry and my makeup ran. And Doug, who'd probably thrown the damn ball in the first place, started jeering at me. And no adult intervened. Including my parents. I didn't tell my dad because he never cared and would only have said I shouldn't have worn the makeup in the first place. Defend the bully against your own child, SMH. 

Knowing my dad would have humiliated me, kept me quiet about egregious abuse, which he as participating in too. He had a comeback for everything. Because as Dr. Ramani reminds us, you can never win against a narcissist. It will always be your fault. They won't take your part, ever. Because that might make them have to look at their own culpability in your persecution. I can still hear the scoffing voices: you're too sensitive. You're lying, exaggerating, making it up, showing off, attention seeking. It doesn't matter what anyone does to you, you have to do the right thing (if that isn't a Molotov cocktail!) 

Those voices have embedded themselves in my brain and now I keep myself ugly and stupid to appease my narcissist parents. I gaslight myself that it's wicked to feel proud of how I look. So part of how I lost 100 pounds was to work on muzzling my narcissist parents' gaslighting, And it is a hellish job to get 61 years of toxic garbage out of my head. 

But I have to remember that it was in their best interests to keep me feeling ugly, fat and unlovable. It made me desperate for affection and willing to do whatever they demanded to keep them happy. If that meant getting or staying fat, so she could feel sexy next to her funny looking little daughter, so be it. If it meant dumbing myself down so he didn't feel insecure and threatened by my wisdom, he got it. If it meant playing the dancing fool so everyone could laugh, I did. 

I did it for everyone. It was my job to pump up their pride at my own expense. I've bitten my tongue at outrageous stupidity. Partly out of fear or retribution, which from my parents was swift and harsh. But also out of misguided empathy. Unlike my  narcissist parents, I don't like to see people feel foolish. I'll protect them. But it's my inner child who always took the brunt. 

Dr. Ramani and other youtubers helped me see that. But at 61, it's too little too late. Ingrained habits take so much work to break. I'm suffering difficult health issues. Probably they were always there but were dismissed and devalued. And now they have taken up residence. I'm sick and sore and exhausted all the time. My resistance is low. I've been sick three times in the last month, I think from unresolved trauma. 

I can't promise I'll find health. But I do appreciated Dr. Ramani a lot. I also give credit to my husband for relentlessly asserting that I was NOT ugly or homely. For going out and buying frames to showcase the few baby pictures that remain of me. For making me look at them and tell that little girl that she is beautiful. Little secret here, I don't  know if I will ever be able to do that. Narcissist parent gaslighting is soooooo powerful. But  I will practice. 

So, how I lost 100 pounds, to bring it full circle. I lost weight prior to understanding narcissist parents. But I think I was beginning to get the picture. Whether I could admit it or not. In order to lose weight, I had to lose the notion that I was somehow responsible for ensuring they never feel insecure, fat, ugly or stupid. I took all that on myself because they made me do it. Now I have to go rogue and try new, things that are revolutionary and unthinkable. How I lost 100 pounds was to listen to my common sense for a change. 

Picture is 8 year old me on that 1,000 calorie diet. My mother has accused me of "throwing out my hips" as if I was, I don't know, shaking my butt for attention. I stool that way because it was more comfortable because my back hurt a lot. And I had had congenital hip dysplasia which they had not followed up with regular orthopedic care like they were supposed to, after the initial brace came off. I should have had check ups and x-rays till age 10 or so. It just occurred to me that this failure to do so may explain my unusual stance, gait and poor coordination. 

How I lost 100 pounds using the pancake principle

 Hello my friends. Thanks for helping me unpack some of my CPTSD issues from narcissistic abuse by four narcissist parents. I'm feeling more about now to return to the purpose this blog was created, to show how I lost 100 pounds without weight loss drugs or gastric bypass surgery. Tonight I'm going to explain, from an experience I just had, how I lost 100 pounds using the pancake principle. And it dovetails nicely with intermittent fasting and calorie restricting. 

The pancake principle is a term I coined to explain why it's so easy to overeat, past satiation. I noticed this early on in my parenting when I would make pancakes for the children's breakfast. Round one went down fast and if asked, the kids would say they wanted seconds. Seconds went down a little more slowly but still they'd say they wanted more. By the third pancake, they were usually full. And there sat the pancakes. So I figured out (yes, I'm a little slow) to only make the third batch pancakes after round two had had time to digest. 

Because that's what happens. While you are eating, the food hasn't reached your stomach yet. So you are at that point, still hungry. So part of how I lost 100 pounds was to wait until my food has settled to see if I am still hungry. I often find that I'm not only no longer hungry I'm actually really full. Like now for instance. 

I came home from work hungry enough to eat anything that wasn't nailed down. Seriously, the cats were looking tempting. KIDDING. So I made myself a high protein bread sandwich with smoked salmon and lots of vegetables. (about 300 calories, less the parts I shared with the cats) We're Catholic and its Lent so we are fasting from meat, sweets and alcohol. Eating Lent is also part of  how I lost 100 pounds. 

I wrote a blog post for my Great Food 4U blog while I was eating my keto sandwich and said that I was still so hungry, I might make myself another one. I rounded off my meal with two dates which are great for curbing hunger, curbing sugar cravings and boosting metabolism. As such dates also help prevent Type 2 diabetes, prediabetes (insulin resistance or metabolic syndrome) After my meal I still felt hungry for about 10 minutes. And then what I ate hit my stomach and now I'm almost too full. On a meal of about 400 calories. Weight loss isn't just about calorie restricting. It's about how, when and what you eat too. More on that later!  

Malignant Narcissist parents make kids anxious then shame us for being anxious

 Hello my friends. Today on my path to healing CPTSD from narcissist parent abuse, I'm exploring how malignant narcissist parents make kids anxious and then shame us for being anxious. Then they gaslight us that we have nothing be anxious about and that we are just overreacting. They make intimidate, frighten, confuse and distort reality so that we are always on edge. They fire a barrage of accusations to make us jump. Then they scold us and make us feel foolish for feeling nervous and Which now I see is another of their gaslighting hypocrisies. It outs them as the malignant narcissist parents they are. 

We're told that no one can make you feel anything. You CHOOSE to let them. Well, I beg to differ. Narcissist parents can and do absolutely coerce their children into feelings of insecurity, instability, fear, shame and guilt. By DOING irresponsible, unsettling, frightening, shaming and attacking things. With gaslighting, they create a false reality where life is dangerous, chaotic and and parents are unpredictable, vengeful, two-faced, backstabbing and must revered like gods or else there will be hell to pay. 

But then these dementors rile kids up some more by turning on and blaming them for feeling exactly how the malignant narcissist parents groomed them to feel. My mother and father would alternately rage at, mock and humiliate AND then dump all their issues on me. I was scapegoat, sounding board, surrogate parent, surrogate spouse, sponge, complaint department, confidante and counselor. But I never knew which hat I was expected to wear and they weaponized this by continually flipping roles. So I was always behind and struggling to catch up. 

I was exhausted and depleted from all the demands and FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) put on me. But I didn't dare say anything and just went along with it because it was only ever about mom or dad or stepmom or stepdad.  And this is exactly how malignant narcissist parents want you. Tenderized. Ferberized. Compliant. Biddable. Moldable. 

And then came round two of gaslighting. After making  life a living nightmare (seriously I trauma dream about this shit all the time) I was a pretty shell-shocked kid and probably showed it. I don't know. Pictures of me show a kid with jaws clamped biting my tongue. Anyway, they spun that as me being pouty, self-pitying, attention-seeking. Though I never once asked for or got help from anyone. 

Out of the blue,  my dad would bark at me to "stop being so heavy" to "lighten up." To stop "showing off." He'd shame and sneer at me for being jumpy and nervous. They'd call me ridiculous, foolish, immature, deceitful. 

He, the heaviest element on the planet, would scold me for "being depressed" as if that was his sole prerogative. He'd mope around and unload all his woes (mostly self-made) on me. He'd whine about how he felt so guilty and then side-eye me waiting to be reassured and soothed that he had nothing to feel guilty about. 

None of them ever made wise, responsible choices. They did whatever they felt like and then had the audacity to preach to everyone else about how God wanted them to live their lives. They had the gall to call out sin in other people as they were doing these things themselves. Oh they had plenty to feel guilty about. 

They dropped the ball on me so many times. Or should I say never picked it up. But of course, they just pushed the cigarette machine's buttons and she had to dispense what they wanted. I lied and said all was well and pasted a perma-grin on my face. But they were never satisfied. They'd start with the accusations of faking it, making it up, and insincerity. OF COURSE I WAS FAKING IT!!!! WHAT CHOICE DID I HAVE?? YOU MADE MY LIFE HELL AND EXPECTED ME TO THANK YOU FOR IT!! But of course there could be no authenticity because they had to placated all the time. It would have been unthinkably dangerous not to. Or at least that's how they all made me feel. This is the definition of shit and shoved in it. 

Then I'd go to my mother's house for another take on it. She did whatever she wanted at any moment no matter how irresponsible, immoral or illegal. She left me to shoulder the consequences, gave me no help and then joined her boyfriends in traumatizing me and mocking me for feeling traumatized. I was just one big joke to them. A big joke, I might add, who was doing all the work in her foster home. She'd claim they did everything for me. It was me who was ungrateful and she who was the victim (DARVO) Then they kicked me out of the house, for shits and giggles. 

But remember I said earlier that they out themselves with their hypocrisies? The very fact that they told to both lighten up (stop overreacting) and that I was making it up for attention, is the key. I couldn't be making it up and overreacting. Either shit did or didn't  happen. Which of course is even more bewildering. 

But narcissists know they caused your pain. They know you're neither making it up nor exaggerating. But they would cut their own tongues out before admitting it. So they just throw a  bunch of gaslighting word salad at you to see what stick. Unfortunately it all sticks in the traumatized child's brain. She feels it all: guilt, shame, fear, self-loathing, confusion. She feels stupid, foolish, humiliated, ridiculous. But it's not the child who owns these issues. She is just the repository in which they dump their stupidity. She is the sponge that absorbs it all so her entitled, arrogant, manipulative sadistic dark tetras parents don't  have to. 

This is their legacy. What they have indoctrinated her to be. It has taken me almost 62 years to start to sort out what is mine and what is theirs. It's why confessing my sins is difficult. I can't see clearly what I was responsible for and what I wasn't. So many failings and wrongs I've allowed them to gaslight me about now live rent-free in my head.