Why setting boundaries is bad advice to give narcissistic abuse survivors

Hello my friends. Today I was listening to my girl, Dr. Ramani and she addressed the very thing I'd just been wrestling with in my quest to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse: why setting boundaries is bad advice to give narcissistic abuse survivors. 

Boundary setting only works with respectful people

You don't have to tell respectful people to respect your space. So advice to set boundaries only works with people who don't need boundaries set with them.  Boundaries with narcissists are about as useful as parasol in a hurricane. And definitely pointless against narcissistic parent abuse. Narcissist parents crash boundaries all the time by enmeshing, invading privacy, demanding things they don't deserve, butting in where they don't belong, taking what's not theirs, not observing limits, usurping power, taking advantage, taking without giving, breaking promises, etc. 

Boundary setting with narcissists is a logical fallacy 

Telling someone to just set boundaries with a narcissist is a contradiction in terms. Narcissistic abuse is the reason the victim needs to set them in the first place. And boundaries aren't things you can tell someone else to respect, certainly not someone who has been consistently ignoring your basic rights to start with. They are borders you place around yourself. But you are the one that has to protect them. And if the person you're setting them with won't observe them, it would be like building a fence of marshmallows around an angry bull. 

Narcissists hold others in contempt

So they hold your boundaries in contempt as well as your needs, wants, feelings, ideas and self. They are haughty, vain and hypocritical. You can see it in their sneering faces and hear it dripping form their snide, scoffing belittlement. There are two sets of rules for you and them. Narcissistic parents do the very things they punish you for. They invalidate you and your principles. They tear you down. So if you set boundaries, they would just dismiss you and laugh in your face. They would take your pretty parasol, smash it and throw the pieces at you. 

Narcissists dictate or think they do

Especially narcissistic parents who believe everything their child does must pass the parent's rigorous judgment. The child must endure the parent's scathing criticism and vicious remarks which the parent himself would wither under. But the parent doesn't hold his own actions to account, however. And woe be to anyone who take HIM to task. So a narcissist will only respect boundaries he deems worthy and since he doesn't deem anyone but himself worthy, he tramples down everyone else. 

Narcissists take boundaries as an insult

Enmeshed narcissistic parents view children as goods and chattel. They don't parent, they possess. The child must do and be whatever the parents says he must do or be with not thought of his own. So if the child, even in adulthood, says no to a narcissistic parent, the parent becomes enraged that his "property" has denied him his "rights." Narcissists tolerate limits being set about as well as they'd accept the car suddenly refusing to transport them. 

Narcissists see your boundaries as a challenge

As well as being arrogant and entitled, narcissists are belligerent, antagonistic and disagreeable trouble-makers. They start problems where none exist. So not only are they unreasonably offended by other people's boundaries, they see them as hurdles to be overcome, fences to be jumped as it were. Whatever you put sanctions on will suddenly become the thing they must have. The thing you ask them not to do will be the very thing they do. Much better advice is give them no feedback to exploit. 

Narcissists exploit your vulnerabilities

They pick at your raw spots until they bleed. They ping exposed nerves. They mock and jibe and say outrageously insulting and contemptuous things. They heckle you about things you are sensitive about. Then gaslight you that you are too sensitive. And it's actually not just things you personally would be sensitive about. Things that would bother anyone and CERTAINLY the narcissist if he was treated this way. 

Boundary setting with narcissists is counterproductive

So the theory behind boundary setting is that you create this invisible wall to protect yourself. You say what you will and won't tolerate and then you enforce boundaries by doing whatever it is you said you will or won't do. But you don't tell someone else what to do only what you will do if it happens. Example: "I don't answer the phone after 8 pm." You're not telling them not to call, you're just sort of hinting that you won't answer. I say hinting because the reason you set the boundary was probably because they called too late. And instead of saying "quit calling" because God forbid we tell someone to knock it off, we have to find a way to sugarcoat it. Because remember, it's all about how you handle it,  never what they do (said sarcastically, that's another piece of tommyrot advice). But it won't matter how backhandedly you say it, they won't respect it anyway.  They will do exactly what you've wishy-washily hinted they not do just to make you break your own boundary. They will keep on calling till you answer the damn phone. 

Boundary setting advice is victim shaming

And bloody patronizing advice at that. It suggests that none of the abuse and violations would occur if victim would just "stand up for herself" or "grow a pair." Which just contradicts the advice because you can't control what someone does. No matter how tall you stand. You cannot make someone stop hurting you. You can only hit them harder or stay out of their way. Setting boundaries they won't respect is just more nonsense homework for the victim and does nothing to address the aggressor. 

Better advice to narcissistic abuse victims

• Say nothing. 
• Don't give yourself away. 
• Stay cool. 
• Grey rock (this is only a temporary fix for bad situations. It won't make them stop and you can't stay a rock forever). 
• Don't share vulnerabilities. 
• Don't ask them to do or not to do something if it's important to you. They'll just do the opposite. 
• Don't tell them how you feel. They don't care and they've proved it. Healthy people don't need to be told something obviously hurtful is hurtful. 
• Find an outlet or hobby to help vent the frustration. 

Narcissism behind momfluencer and Duggar parents

  Hello my friends. Today I'm working to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse by sharing what it's like to live with arrogant, entitled, remorseless, manipulative people. I can't take you back in time, but I can give examples of narcissistic parents in the media who behave like mine did. Not actor portrayals, actual parents like some of the social  media "momfluencers" and reality TV stars Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar. It probably didn't take the "Shiny Happy People" docu for most people to see that the Duggars are very narcissistic, despite Michelle Duggar's famed modesty.  

The celebrity narcissist parent cult

I'm not saying that every parent who has a YouTube channel or vlog is arrogant. But it's kind of hard to find examples who aren't. As well as social media "momfluencers" You could almost say it's a job description for celebrity parents. It comes with the territory. Just the term social media "influencer" or reality TV star screams vanity. You have to have pretty cast iron self-esteem to believe people should listen to or watch you. Or that you even say things worth hearing. I'm not talking here about specific niche parenting influencers  My daughter is a lactation/postpartum consultant who specializes in nutrition for moms. I mean the ones who just riff about whatever they feel like and call it educational.

Narcissist parents exploit kids

You could say that simply putting your child online is child exploitation and you'll get no argument from me. You could say that anyone who shares their every family moment on social media is a narcissist.  Still no argument. The fact that the Duggar family has forced their kids into a reality TV show proves their arrogance to me Narcissists exploit anything and anyone that gets them what they crave: pity, attention, status, narcissistic supply. 

Narcissistic parents exploit their kids suffering

But then there's another level: the exploitative narcissistic parents who exploit their children's suffering for narcissistic supply. The Duggar family is now in it's second generation exploiting kids with Josh Duggar and Joe Duggar. They've put their families through hell that they will never live down, just like Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar put their children through hell that led them to these actions. And the older siblings (except maybe Jana Duggar) are milking the family drama to build their own celebrity status. The whole family makes sure to keep their irrelevant faces in the media. 

Narcissistic parents monetize tragedy 

I'm thinking of  social media influencer Kelly Hopton-Jones who ran her child over and then monetized it in a social media post. What highlights the narcissism isn't the accident. It wasn't the fact that she is a self-styled "momfluencer" although the irony isn't lost. And a valid question has been asked whether she wasn't paying attention because she was posting at the time of the accident. The self-centeredness is shown by the fact that she leveraged of it for attention, pity and funds. The post she wrote was all about her. And the cherry on top was another momfluencer Emilie Kiser, whose child had drowned, chiming in with what she called sympathy. But what looked very much like turning the camera back on herself. So cashing in on  a parent cashing in on her child's injury. 

The "celebrity" addiction

I'm not talking about the addiction we have to following celebrities. I mean the outrageous things people will do to become "celebrities." Including harming your children. I'm not suggesting either Kelly Hopton-Jones or Emilie Kiser did anything intentional. But I'm sure I'm not the only one who'd never heard of either of them until their kids were hurt/killed. And I'm also not saying either of them weren't sad or vulnerable at the time they made the post about it. It's the timing. And the "me, me, me" ness of the post. Quite frankly, it reads like someone who's trying to convince themselves and us they feel guilty. It reads like she is more concerned about how she is perceived than what she actually did. And the subtle yet unmistakable gaslighting. Which is exactly how a narcissist parent operates. 

The gaslighting DARVO tactic

The Duggars play this one to perfection! They DARVO (deny responsibility, accuse and attack, reverse victim and offender). It's the "liberal media's" fault their son molested children. With Hopton-Jones, the gaslighting DARVO is little harder to spot. And it may be a shock or trauma response. She keeps referring to her hitting her son as an accident/mistake. That's the gaslighty part. The fact is that neither parent was paying attention to the child or to the car warning system show and that she apparently didn't even look in the mirror, is more careless than mistake. She keeps saying how if only "things had gone differently." As if this was out of her control. She describes how she feels guilty but shouldn't. Well, that is sort of what you do. You are supposed to feel guilty. It reads more like self-defense than confession. 

Vicious cycle of narcissistic parent abuse, childhood trauma and CPTSD nightmares

Hello my friends. Today in my journey to heal childhood trauma and CPTSD from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm really struggling. I'm exhausted all the time. And I guess it's no wonder. 61years of narcissistic abuse memories live in my trauma brain and haunt my dreams at night. It occurs to me that there is a vicious cycle of narcissistic abuse, childhood trauma and CPTSD nightmares. 

Why breaking the cycle is impossible

It's all well and fine to talk about simply breaking the cycle. But that's easier said than done as I "recycle" the trauma every night. Because childhood trauma is the gift that keeps on giving stress and taking peace of mind. And that stress originated with the chaotic dysfunction of narcissistic parent abuse. Narcissistic parent embed trauma responses in their children from infancy, maybe even from the womb. It doesn't stop in sleep. Trauma nightmares keep replaying the abuse. 

Trauma dreams repeat old and create new from it

My trauma brain has even "synthesized" new abusive situations to dream about. They replicate the old abuse patterns. They also generate version 2.0 trauma from these seemingly actual experiences. Say what you want about dreams not being real, they sure as hell feel that way. So I not only have trauma memories, I have trauma dream memories. And yep, it's all in my head, and I wish it weren't. 

Ignore platitudes from blind guides

This cycle-breaking of which we hear preached by social media influencers, life coaches, even therapists, is all kind of nonsensical to childhood trauma sufferers. These blind guides obviously haven't suffered from narcissistic abuse or they'd know that such platitudinal advice doesn't work.  I'd love to break free from of the memories and dreams, but they won't let ME GO! It would be easier to stop my cat meowing than to get them out of my head. 

So I'm preaching a new way. I'm learning to befriend my dreams and see them as wise teachers. I guess I'm using the Bloom's Taxonomy HOTS (higher order thinking skills) I write about so often on my education blog. I'm working to

• recognize the narcissistic abuse as memory not just dream
• see and hear what my nightmares are trying to show me
• analyze what I can learn from my dreams
• use the nightmare content to process what was done to me
• evaluate whether what I experienced was wrong based on what my dreams show
• apply the lessons to my life now

Example of my trauma nightmares

Here's an example of how I'm doing that from a dream I had the other night. I dreamed I was trying to shovel my grandparents driveway. But I kept  having to shovel other people's drive first. And then I had to rake their leaves because they were everywhere and I couldn't get to the ice below. Then I had to shovel the entire neighborhood, including streets. I had only a child-size rake and two small battered buckets to put all the leaves and snow in. When I finally got to grandparents' house, the street was walled in and ceilinged over with snow. Yet my grandparents' house was clear. I yelled in alarm for them to go inside where it was safe from all the snow. And when I looked around I saw that it was gone. 

They were in the garage with my parents who were the ones forcing me to clear all the snow. They were also making my very elderly grandmother care for their children. I took the baby from grandma because he was too heavy for her. And they had moved a lot of junk into the garage which was making it hard for everyone to get around. My dad snapped at me "what are you doing in here! Get back to work!" When I said there was no snow, he said I needed to help gram with the children and clean the garage.  There was a lot more going on (there always is in my dreams) but that's the gist. 

What my dream teaches me

What my dream was trying to help me visualize was that narcissistic parent demands were like an endless mountain of snow to move. The fact that it disappeared shows their gaslighting lies about all tasks being my responsibility that didn't even exist. The dream shows that buried deep in my mind is the feeling of having to rescue my grandparents, siblings, etc. And that they were victims too. The broken rake shows that they didn't even give me the proper tools for the job. 

All of this did happen. As a child, I had hours of housework, cooking and childcare heaped on me. I couldn't get my homework done on time or had to stay up late to do it. I was made to mop the floor on my hands and knees. And my narcissistic parents were always angry with me, and absolutely exploited my grandparents.

Can narcissists change? Why that's the wrong question to ask

 Hello friends! Today on my path toward healing childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm responding to a video by YouTube psychologist and narcissism expert, Dr. Ramani. She's always spot-on but this particular conversation was particularly so. She addressed criticism she received for "failing to admit" that narcissists can change. Which as anyone who has lived with narcissistic abuse knows is a moot point. They don't and won't change. And even in the remote unlikelihood that they do, we're asking the wrong questions and focusing on the wrong end of things. 

Some Reasons narcissists won't and don't change 

• There is no incentive. It's working too well for them the way things are. 
• They are entrenched and comfortable. 
• Narcissism is self-fulfilling and its own reward. 
• Narcissists are remorseless. So they will not be sorry.
• Narcissists can't change because they're in too deep and it controls them. Tail wags dog. 
• They lie. (they will say they have when they haven't)
• Narcissists manipulate. (they will manipulate change)
• Narcissists are attention seeking. ("changing" will get attention)
• Narcissists seek narcissistic supply. And changing to a nicer person won't get that.
• Narcissists are arrogant. They don't think they need to change. 
• Narcissists suck up all the oxygen like a tornado. They fuel themselves. And they get to the point where they can't stop. 
  
  
  
  
  

And beyond these facts, we must factor in the cost of any change to the victim. 

What victims of narcissistic abuse should consider about any reformation

• It doesn't change the damage they've done.
• Any change will still be all about them. The fact that we're having this conversation proves it. 
• Any "change" will be conditional (so not change).
• They will still call the shots.(They will dictate how and what they change)
• There will be obligations placed on you. (reconciliation, forgiveness, keep trying, remain stuck)
• You'll still be expected to respond in scripted ways. 
• It will be performative (fake)
• It will be done for narcissistic supply because they are addicts and their whole lives have been about supply. 
• It may be leveraged by therapist or clergy to show off their "trophy client." 
• It will make things worse for you (now they're the "brave" survivor narcissist).
• They'll be praised and you'll still be shamed. (Look at all the "change"  he 's made. How can you still be angry?)
  
• It will become influencer currency. He will wear change like a badge of courage. 
• It will be fake, wolf in sheep's clothing. 
  
  
  

Things narcissists will say that prove their change is fake or agenda-based. 

You will notice in these things they say how they spin themselves as the good guy and you as the bad, as it always has been. I've included things to say or questions to ask in return. I favor asking a return question like Socrates did. 

Socratic Dialog Method

Definition: When confronted with undermining questions or accusations, answer questions with a question. Turn the microscope back on them.

• I need to tell you (whatever revelation they've had) They won't care how it makes you feel or if you even want to hear it. They just said the operative phrase: "I need to." It's about them, not you. (Well, I don't want or need to hear it).
• You need to listen to my side. ( That's all I've ever heard and that's the problem.)
• I don't care if you don't want to hear my side.  (And still you ask why I'm keeping you at arm's length?).
• You won't believe me. (You don't read my mind. You're just trying to put me on the defensive and I'm not going to allow you to. But for argument, if I didn't believe you, why is that?)
• You never take my part. (In what? In supporting your abuse of me? Hmm, no I don't.) 
• I'm ready to make peace. (Goody gumdrops for you. I'm not. I may be never be. Don't call us, we'll call you.)
• How can I make peace if you won't let me? (Why should I? How is making peace my responsibility? Explain to me how I am "preventing" you from "making peace." How do you define peace?)
• How can I prove to you that I've changed? (with actions not words)
• You said this is what you wanted. (did I? I don't recall it that way).
• You need to (fill in the blank) (Run, don't walk, away from this one. There is nothing I need to do in response to your abuse or your supposed change.)
• I've changed (yay me)  (So? Prove it. But don't expect me to wait around for you to do so.)
• You have to let me explain, listen to me, hear me out. (No I don't.)
• You owe me a chance to prove I've changed. (you lost me at  "you owe me." No I don't. I owe myself a better life.) 

It's time to focus on the victim, not the perpetrator

The narcissist has no power to dictate terms but they sure gaslight you into thinking they do. But when you start seeing the gaslighting for what it is, you realize a few things. Even if the narcissist, by some miracle, manages to not be a jerk for once. Even if they turn over a new leaf and start being their shiny new selves, and? Who cares? They'll have to find some other sucker to con. Because it won't be me. I've wasted enough of my life trying to fill their black hole selves. Now I'm living MY best new life free out of their clutches. 

• It's about me now, not them. 
• I've changed and moved out of their path of destruction.
• I owe them nothing. 

And I've started asking the correct questions. Instead of wasting time idly speculating whether they can change, here are more productive questions. 

To people who insist change is possible, ask  

• Why is it so important to prove that change is possible?
• What do you get  out of it?
• What are you trying to prove?
• Why are you shilling  for the narcissist? 
• Why do you care?
• Have you  or are you being hurt by narcissistic abuse?
• Where were you when I was being hurt by them?
• Why are you victim shaming and perpetrator supporting?
  

 Of the "reformed" narcissist I ask myself

• Why did it take them so long to "get it?" 
• What do they expect of me in return?
• How do I define the problem? 
• Why am I letting them minimize abuse into a disagreement between us?

Change roles for a clearer view

Imagine yourself as the narcissist and the narcissist as yourself, the victim. If I had been narcissistically abusing someone, and I finally woke up to that fact, I would be so ashamed. But I would also so humbled that I would not dare address them for fear of doing more harm. I would make it about them. I would ask and say

• What do you need? (space, a life away from me)
• Is there anything I can do to help you?
• You had no part in this. It was me and I'm sorry. 
• I want what's best for you. 
• I will prove I've changed and here's how. And then I would proceed to do just that. Every single hour of every day that I was lucky enough to still have them in my life. And if they left, I'd still actively change. 

But pigs will fly before the narcissist does that. He would have to stop being a narcissist to actually change—and by then, you’ll be far too busy enjoying your freedom to notice.

Healing childhood trauma by giving narcissistic rage back to its owner (or not taking it the first place)

 Hello my friends. Last night while delivering groceries I had an aha moment on healing childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse. I realized that I had been accepting narcissistic rage and all rage, really, as belonging to me. Healing comes from returning rage back to its rightful owner or, better still, not accepting it in the first place. 

Narcissistic rage vs. normal rage

Narcissistic Rage goes from noun to very active verb.

I know that sounds like bad poison vs. good, LOL. And it kind of is and isn't. No rage is healthy. It stems from unresolved trauma, a silenced voice and trapped emotions. The difference lies in two things: 

• Where the rage originates. Narcissistic rage starts with a narcissistic injury. As the term implies, it's rage felt by a person with narcissistic tendencies--arrogance, attention-seeking, jealousy, manipulation, entitlement and remorselessness--or full-blown NPD. But don't be confused by the term "injury." This is a perceived slight, insult or threat, a blow to their puffed up ego. It makes them feel vulnerable and they hate that. Usually it's a random, normal thing the narcissist personalizes and exaggerates. 
• How rage is expressed. Normal people experience insult, get annoyed, maybe chew on it a bit or confront and move on. Narcissists go H-bomb. They explode, tantrum, pout, stew and plot revenge. Whether passive-aggressive or aggressive, it's no less venomous.  Often nothing actually happened. But their pride convinces them they've been wronged. And they always blame and punish someone other than themselves. 

  "Regular rage goes inward. Narcissistic rage takes hostages."

The narcissistic DARVO game

When a narcissist feels "injured" their immediate response is control the narrative with DARVO (aka blame-shifting). DARVO means Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim Offender. And the narcissist plays it masterfully. He demands good things that aren't his (credit, respect, affirmation) and denies ownership of bad things that he IS responsible for. Like his vicious rage. That he deflects onto his victim by reversing victim-offender roles. He skews reality so that the actual victim feels responsible and takes ownership of what is his. And then, the way the narcissist's rage plays out, seems to confirm him right. Normal rage rights itself with frank discussion, apology and resolution. While narcissistic rage shatters everything it touches.  

"Narcissistic rage keeps the blame nozzle steadily pointed outward. So all the acid sprays out and away from the narcissist."

The narcissistic rage cycle

Narcissistic rage is so different from healthy anger that I think it deserves its own entity. And since the origins and expression are so different, the cycle is too. Normal anger gets processed in safe ways. That's what I meant by righting itself. Even those of us with unhealthy unresolved trauma "rage" tend to hurt ourselves more than others. Either we don't recognize it or blame ourselves for feeling angry. Because we can't express it, it toxifies and corrodes us. It's like a silent storm in a teacup with all the emotions bottled up. Narcissistic rage spews toxins on everyone else while the narcissist stays bulletproof in his asbestos suit of wounded self-righteous superiority. He gets all the perks:  adrenaline rush, narcissistic supply hit, spleens vented, calm in his assured dominance. And leaves us, the target in flames. And then they tell us to quit being so dramatic (!)

Narcissists weaponize childhood trauma

Those of us who have been targets or scapegoats of narcissists, particularly children of narcissistic parents, know this cycle. We know the part we've been cast in all too well. And the narcissist KNOWS we know it and weaponizes our childhood trauma responses against us. We continue as victims (targets, scapegoats) with new perpetrators. When the narcissist blame-shifts, we shift. When he places ownership for his anger on us, we accept  it. 

How anger changes hands

"Narcissists drop off their anger at your feet like a "hot potato", then sit back and wait for you to claim it."

I had such clear vision of this anger transference, while driving, that I actually yelled "Eureka!" You know how when someone is clearly furious and instead of just admitting it, they stand there all sullen and fuming? Then when you ask what's wrong, they blast out with something YOU did as if that explains and justifies everything. Or maybe they just immediately launch into their diatribe. What they are saying is "I'm not angry AND you are at fault." I know, it's a paradox. It goes beyond blaming to projecting it ALL onto you. What you both don't realize is that it's ALL theirs, not yours. 

The Lawn Chair Lesson

Here's an example of anger transference that happened to me in a parking lot. And it shows how ludicrous it is. I was walking out of the store. A woman was waving her arms and shouting. I didn't know who at or what about. I thought maybe she needed help so I said "I'm sorry, what did you say?' She literally screamed, no screeched "WHERE ARE THE G-D (something or other)???" As if she'd asked me a dozen times and I'd ignored her. No, scratch that. There would never be a reason for that much vitriol. 

I said, "sorry, still didn't hear you." That was my first mistake, giving airspace to anger. And she yelled "just FORGET it!" Second mistake. Should have said "okay." But the old fawn trauma response kicked in and I said "wait, what did you need?" "GARDEN CHAIRS LIKE I SAID 10 TIMES!"  I said, "oh, not sure, I don't work here." To which she snapped "BUT YOU SHOP HERE!!" As if this was some kind of gotcha. So she didn't know where stuff was but knew I did? I just said, "whatever." and walked on. She kept haranguing me. I just shrugged and said "I tried to help you but now I'm done." And left her still raging. She may still be raging for all I know. It was not about the lawn chairs. It was about dysregulated, entitled, arrogant, narcissistic rage that she wanted me to accept responsibility for because I had the childhood trauma response to make eye contact. 

Finally, the Aha

What I saw clearly in last night's epiphany was that I have always, unquestioningly, taken ownership of someone else's anger, if they told me to. I fell for their gaslighting. I picked up their hot potato when I didn't have to. I also saw that when I'm targeted by narcissistic rage spray, it's almost never has anything to do with me. I just happened to cross their path. I was convenient. Now this is pretty revolutionary for us trauma survivors. We have been conditioned to play cat's paw, grabbing that hot potato they threw us. It feels weird not to trauma respond. But hang on because I'm going to share some ways to prevent our poor little paws getting burnt.  

Redirecting the nozzle

So I'm learning how to do just that. Instead of taking possession, of what is clearly not my problem, I can 

• just let the potato sit there where the narcissist dropped it
• turn the nozzle back on the owner of the rage by refusing to accept it
• avoid narcissistic rage spray trajectory
• shrug my shoulders when accused
• say "You might be right. I'll have to think about it." Then forget it. 
• say "I don't care." 
• say "not my problem." 
• avoid JADE (justifying, answering/arguing, defending or explaining)
• observe, not absorb

Some of these will sound rude to normal people. The narcissist may call you rude. But remember, the narcissist also does these things himself all the time. Which may make you feel like you're just "stooping to their level." Eh, hot potato, hot pahtahta. (😉😆) And regardless, they are crucial behaviors to replace dangerous trauma responses. 

Wake-up call on childhood trauma from narcissistic parents' CSA and emotional incest

Hello my friends. Today in my quest to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm exploring a wake-up call I had regarding my parents' emotional incest and CSA. This is terribly triggering to me and may be to you as well, so I want to warn you about that upfront. 

"Touchless" or Emotional Incest 

I have talked before about my mother's "touchless" yet very inappropriate sexual interactions with me. The fact that there was no physical CSA has kept me gaslit about the fact that it was still CSA. And no wonder. Society, religion, even authorities and psychologists have denied it as actual abuse. I've experienced both kinds and of the two, I'd say the emotional CSA was the worst. So how does this emotional incest manifest, if not in touch? 

Examples of Emotional Incest and CSA

• describing things of sexual nature to child
• viewing pornography in front of child
• parent or adult mocking child's body (mocking a child is NEVER okay) 
• describing plot of "dirty movie" (in my case it was "A Clockwork Orange")
• insisting on having the "the talk" when child is too young or not ready
• talking about sexuality when child says "stop!" 
• sharing intimate details of personal sex life with child (HUGE red flag)
• behaving provocatively in front of child (making out with boyfriend)
• openly flirting, sitting on lap (my mother licked her boyfriend's ear in front of me)
• forcing child to witness violent confrontation with cheated-on spouse 
• telling dirty jokes
• dressing inappropriately (going as "hooker" for Halloween, making me help with costume)
• forcing child to see parent naked (exhibitionism, answering the door naked to be "caught.")
• violating child's body boundaries by touching or discussing without consent
• violating privacy (entering room without knocking, reading diary)
• discussing private things about child publicly (telling family that the child has pubic hair)
• using child as sex therapist (dumping, parent saying she was molested)
• exposing children to dangerous known offenders 
• leaving child alone with unvetted adults, often overtly sexually "off" people. 
• "cheating" (committing adultery) with child's knowledge
• rationalizing affairs to child (telling child she is "leading boyfriend to Jesus")
• loud intimacy at inappropriate times, when child is around
• hitting on people close to the child (friend, boyfriend, grandfather, teacher)
• being lewd 
• making the child feel dirty about the parent's own perversions
• calling the child "loose" or "easy" or "dirty" 
• blaming the child for being assaulted by people the parent left the child with
• engaging in pedophilia (my 35 y/o dad "dated' a 17 y/o and took me along to normalize it)

Slippery slope of emotional CSA 

None of these behavior are "gray areas" open to interpretation. They are all deviant and predatory, period. Normal healthy parents will instantly see what's wrong with all of this. However these kinds of things have flown under the radar for so long that some have wormed their way into silently permitted acts. These are not accidental. Enmeshed malignant narcissistic parents do them intentionally all the time. They do it to get their creepy narcissistic supply hit (a drug-like euphoria gained from feeling falsely grand, important and powerful). Malignant narcissists get supply from degrading other people. 

Why children stay silent in hidden incest

The fact that enmeshed, malignant narcissist parents do it blatantly and consistently, blurs the lines of normal for a child. Often, CSA goes undetected because it relies on being reported. The parent perpetrator isn't likely to. And if the child was a victim the last thing she wanted was to tell anyone. Also victim blaming is a sadly common occurrence. So the child keeps silent and absorbs the humiliation, disgust and shame, thinking she must have done something to cause or deserve it. Dirty was done to her but she's the one who feels dirty.

My 5-alarm wake up call

I have been living with this shame for 61 years. And three days ago, I had an epiphany about one small part of the emotional incest. My mother has been telling on herself for years and I just didn't hear it till now. She has always talked about sex openly to me, including her own experiences, since I was 7 or 8.  She describes how she would tell me about things in such a way as to make it look like it was "for my own good." Such as explaining how intercourse works. So that is a job of parenting but it's difficult for parent and child in normal families. My mother seemed to enjoy it and the fact that I hated it. She said I'd cover my ears and beg her to stop AND SHE WOULD IGNORE AND FORCE ME TO LISTEN. 

Emotional incest is always the parent's fault

I'd cut my tongue out before I'd force sex talk on kids. But somehow I assumed it was okay for me to hear it (though it was uncomfortable AF) because mother said so. I'd heard her say many times, with pride, how she forced this on me. Yet I just realized what was wrong with that now. She wasn't telling me details and anecdotes to help me. If she was, she'd have respected my boundaries and stopped. She was doing it for her. To feed her narcissistic supply. Or for some sick twisted self-serving reason. I realized that the reason I've always felt so awful was that she was making me feel awful. I also woke up and realized she's always done this, in a variety of ways. She was dumping her depravity and perversion on me and I'm the one who felt her shame. 

One red flag reveals more

Getting my head straight on this, helps me get clear on other instances of emotional incest in my life. And it makes me angry that I was so misused by people who were supposed to love me. I want to wash away the filth they inbred in me. It's like cleansing the Augean Stables, but I'll keep working away at it. I'm grieving the theft of childhood innocence. I want my life back. And I realize I'll never get that. So I want to make now the best I can. 

Homework for Child Victims

Healing is a process. Please treat yourself with the kindness you deserved as a child.

• Hear the alarms: It is not your fault; it was never your fault.
• Identify the perpetrators: See the reality of who abused your trust.
• Grieve. You lost your chance to child. 
• Take a mental shower: Consciously release the shame that was projected onto you.
• Take back you. 
• Comfort little you. 
• Practice self-compassion: Be the protective, loving adult you needed back then.

Narcissistic parents' identity theft dogs the scapegoat in adulthood

Hello my friends. Today in my quest to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm looking at how enmeshed narcissistic parents' identity theft of the scapegoat and dogs us in adulthood.

Note to Readers: This post discusses the heavy, often painful experience of recovering from childhood narcissistic abuse. Please prioritize your own well-being while reading.

Enmeshed narcissistic parents

Let's begin by exposing the perpetrator parents. They parasitically enmesh themselves in their children's lives like tics or tapeworms. They ride herd over natural boundaries and intrude themselves and their toxic agenda where they do not belong. Healthy parents feed their children. Parasitic parents feed off the child's energy to power themselves. They suck the child's self for narcissistic supply.  They do this in a number of ways. 

Child roles in dysfunctional families

Enmeshed narcissistic parents rob children of their true selves and implant false identities based on the parents' own selfish goals.  It sounds like a conspiracy theory because it is a conspiracy to destabilize children and render them pliable. It bears no resemblance to healthy parenting. The children are "cast" as in a play, in archetypal roles. I've included a unique combination child role I was forced into at the end. 

• Golden child (can do no wrong, favored, family Messiah )
• Glass child (unseen, unheard, invisible, inconvenient)
• Enabler child (cheerleader, helper, liar in that she supports her parents' narcissistic fantasy)
• Mascot child (the buffoon or schlemiel, who cheers everyone else up and draws fire away from parents and other children by playing the clown.)
• Scapegoat child (the source of everyone's problems, the sacrificial victim, the one who get the blame for parents and  other kids' behaviors). 

• The "Broken Vending Machine" Child

  "My term for the role I was coerced
  into..."

  This is the archetype of the child who is expected to be whoever they are told to be at any given moment. It is the "one-man-band"—the child who carries the mental load, gives endlessly of themselves, and receives nothing in return but disappointment. It is a state of constant, exhausting performance where your own needs are perpetually subsumed by the demands of others.

  
  

Gaslighting, parentification, role reversal and reversed again

Using gaslighting mind games, the narcissistic parent creates an artificial reality in which the child is the parent responsible for the whiny brat parent. The parentified child must nurture, comfort, support, humor and tend to the demanding parent. That's where the roles come in. Because narcissistic parents need more than one slave. They demand an entourage of slaves to pull their barge. They aren't content to just reverse roles. They re-reverse and claim the authoritarian role when convenient. The operative phrase is "enmeshment." They do not think of their children as separate beings. Children are tools, extensions of self, possessions, puppets in their main character syndrome melodrama. 

Dehumanization

Our suffering goes beyond mere invalidation. We have been dehumanized. Enmeshed narcissistic parents deny us basic human rights. It's like they remove our humanity or "genetically modify" us. Our trauma brains feel "identity-reassigned." Our mental and emotional "DNA" is all kinds of FUBARed by their brain-damaging. I can't speak enough about how destabilizing, debilitating, destructive and damned messed up this all is.  All the parent-assigned child roles are. Children are not actors in some narcissistic parent fantasy play. We aren't slaves of the parent state. We aren't minions or drones. And yet, we are, in that we have been reduced to a person-less state of mind that dogs us throughout our lifeless lives. 

Dogged by fog of Fear, obligation and guilt

Having had our humanity genetically modified, we children of narcissists are broken. Especially the scapegoats. Because I carried the mental load for adults and parents, as a child, I now emotionally "carry" my husband, children, their spouses, my grandchildren, everyone, like I carried my parents, their spouses and their children. I don't sleep well at all because I dream so many oppressive dreams of inappropriate responsibility. 

On Call 24/7/365 

I don't give myself permission to "let go" of them so I can rest. I feel and have felt "on call" all of my life. I'm too tired to even consider personal pursuits. And I feel guilty if I do. I feel the need to silence my interests if it bothers other people. I don't speak of interests if it offends, annoys  or threatens anyone. My only "hobby" if you will is finding a way through this "fog" of fear obligation and guilt. It's the only one I dare to pursue and only when it doesn't interfere with anyone else's demands. And I'm damned sure to keep that one close to my chest. 

What was stolen, pirated or weaponized by enmeshed, narcissistic parents

• identity
• self
• needs
• wants 
• ideas
• successes
• failures
• ambitions
• emotions
• peace of mind
• privacy
• belonging
• clear thinking
• adequacy
• dignity
• basic rights
• basic care
• childhood
• history
• story
• adolescence
• life
• ability to cope
• self-esteem
• confidence
• ability to know right from wrong
• joy

Task list for childhood trauma survivors

Do you identify as having had your "self" stolen by enmeshed narcissistic parents? Then I have a task list for you. 

Take back command of your ship

To make the identity pirate parents "walk the plank," focus on these steps:

• Internalize the Truth: Know that it was all gaslighting. No one owns another person.
• Release Guilt: You did not volunteer for this. You were a child.
• Re-reverse Roles: Acknowledge they were the parents; you were the child.
• Reverse DARVO: Recognize that you were the victim, never the offender.
• Mothball the Role: Set the "scapegoat" role aside. Preserve it as history, but do not live in it.

I'll have more ideas on this but it's enough to be going on with.