The Deadly Trifecta: Untangling the Enmeshed, Exploitative Narcissistic Parent

Hello my friends. Today on the path to healing childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm exploring the problem of parent enmeshment. I'm going to define or redefine, from my own life experience, some terms. I will also show snapshots of the claustrophobic life an enmeshed parent forces on a child and how crippling it can be. 

First let's untangle the word "enmeshed" which can be a little misleading. I liken it to a net that's tumbled in a corner that people trip over because they get caught is the mesh of it. Think of the old Scooby Doo cartoons where the villains were captured in a net that fell on them. The net metaphor serves to illustrate how the enmeshed parent traps the child and holds her hostage, like a spider in a web. 

And a disclaimer: Used to describe families, the term enmeshed connotes a dysfunctional behavior. Parents enmesh by twisting themselves up in their children's lives, in unhealthy way. But a child is normally enmeshed with her parents. Her life is knit to theirs because she relies on them. So enmeshment in children is appropriate just like codependency. A child IS dependent upon the parents. Children are not enmeshed they are attached. 

But neither the word "enmeshment" nor the net metaphor explain it quite right. I prefer the term entanglement and the metaphor of yarn pieces all snarled up. It takes hours to sort out because you don't know where one ends and the other begins. And THAT is the enmeshment dilemma crystalized. The enmeshed parent ensnares the child in herself so that he doesn't know where or if he begins. 

His life is just one big PARENT with all her needs, wants, demands, feelings, thoughts, beliefs, goals etc. His don't matter, only hers. And her being centers on him as the fulfillment of her everything. Which would be onerous enough for the child, but she also expects him to likewise and make her his all. What a terrible life for a child. Sadly, back stories of molesters and serial killers often reveal enmeshed parent abuse. 

Now you may be tempted to feel sorry for this pathetic, clingy parent. But don't because her neediness is just a facade for raging control freak dominatrix. She doesn't just expect to be the child's best buddy and constant companion. (And that image alone triggers my flight panic response.) The narcissistic (because they're often both narcissistic and enmeshed) parent absorbs the child. 

The enmeshed dad consumes the child, body and soul. He feeds off the child, allowing no autonomous thought, no independence, no life. Mother lives vicariously through her son and expects him to live only through her. It's awkward enough when he's little but as he matures, it's hell. 

How does the enmeshed parent accomplish this? Here's a list of maneuvers but be prepared as this is triggering. I feel my throat tightening just writing it. 

Leveraging normal parent duties

The father exploits routine parenting jobs: feeding, clothing, housing, to manufacture a sense indebtedness. He makes her feel she owes him for the privilege of existing. 

"After all I've done for you..." 

But they never finish the sentence. It's left open-ended to imply that the child should feel endlessly beholden for everything. My dad gaslit me that he'd done so much when in fact, he'd not even done the bare minimum. 

"If you really loved me..." 

Again the hanging ellipsis. Parents create a false If-then paradigm to coerce the child into performing any and all tasks they require to prove their love. What they aren't saying but thinking is "do whatever I want." It's emotional blackmail that you can never pay your way out of. 

⚠️ The Unfinished Sentence:
When a parent leaves an ellipsis after "After all I've done..." or "If you loved me...", they are leaving a vacuum for you to fill with compliance. It is a silent contract where the terms are constantly changing so you can never actually "pay off" the debt.

Role reversal 

Child must parent adult. Adult acts babyish, whiny, petulant and bratty and child soothes, comforts and nurtures. Dad gets narcissistic supply. And the child cries herself to sleep, alone. Again. 

Boundary Crashing

In the parent's mind, the child does not exist separate from him. She is just a reflection of dad. He owns her. So what's hers is his. He intrudes himself where he has no business being. Like in the bathroom when she's in there. He doesn't respect her wishes, space, needs, rights or wants. He arrogantly does as he pleases, riding herd over boundaries and if his child gets upset, he scolds her for being too sensitive. 

Privacy invasion

Mother walks into son's bedroom, unannounced. She says she's "just up there to clean" but she's prying. She reads mail and diaries. She's nosy and eavesdrops on conversations. She accuses him of keeping secrets from her when he just wants some space. She says he can tell her anything. Mmm, maybe but there are some things he doesn't WANT to. 

Chaotic and unpredictable 

What they want changes. The black hole is never filled. You can never be enough, give enough, do enough. My mother-in-law made her birthday a holy day of obligation. No matter what we gave  her, she turned up her nose at it. 

Pouting and sulking

I just feel weary remembering all the temper tantrums of mom, dad, stepdad, stepmom, mother-in-law. Sullen scowling faces, lips pursed like dog's anus. cold shoulder, silent treatment, waspishness, peevishness. And I never recall being told what they were mad about, just that it was at me. 

FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) 

For all the enmeshed parent prattles about how much she's done, given up, loves the child, the air is always thick with tension and rage. Life feels like a battlefield but no one ever says what it's about. There's just an oppressive fog of rank fear  like humid air before thunder.  

Weird Parent Energy

Enmeshed parents feel the need to reiterate that they are parents, a LOT. She tells personal intimate stories about "her baby" (when he's 35) in public. She tells stories in such a way to make him feel, look and sound foolish. She's says nobody minds because after all, she IS his MOTHER. She gave birth to him (and tells the story to everyone who will listen). Actually we do mind on his behalf. We wish she wouldn't intentionally humiliate him. 

Taking cloaked as giving

Enmeshed narcissistic parents brag a lot about how hard they work, when they don't work any harder or more than anyone else, less sometimes. They expect the child to cater to them because they DO SO MUCH for the family. Actually, in my case, it was me doing all the housework and childcare. And my dad just being a needy, demanding energy vampire. 

Awkwardly obsessed

My mother cannot speak a sentence without referencing her golden child "J" who is 47 and still living at home.  She insists on sitting next to "J" everywhere they go. She pulls her close and they whisper, giggle and point at people like immature tweens. Every topic revolves around how "J" thinks, needs, feels, experiences it. You cannot share anything without interruptions regaling you with what "J" did. Mom's boasting is embarrassing for everyone, even J.  Everyone acts cringy uncomfortable and changes the subject. If you get a new car, it would be nice for J. A new house? J should be allowed to move in with you. 

Demand Exclusivity

Mother wants her golden child all to herself and what mother wants, mother gets. And everyone else gets left out.  But it's no picnic for the golden child. It's humiliating, emasculating, infantilizing and patronizing to have a mother cooing over him like a baby. Enfolding, sequestering, sheltering are essential for babies. For grown men, not so much. No one wants or should want to be so mummy wrapped he can't see out. Not with anyone, especially not a parent. It's kind of creepy. 

Emotional incest 

She doesn't just get a little too close for comfort. She crawls into bed with the child, so to speak. She touches inappropriately. She fondles his hair like a girlfriend would. She sits too close and hangs on him. She kisses and strokes him like a puppy. She says he has a nice a$$ in front of his friends. She is the OG smother mother. 

The Boundary Erasure:
"She crawls into bed with the child, so to speak."

This isn't about affection; it is about possession. In these moments, the parent is using the child's body and personal space to soothe their own emotional voids, completely ignoring the child's right to physical autonomy.

Unnecessarily and strangely dependent

My mother expects her family to do everything for her. And I mean everything including changing diapers she doesn't need to be wearing. She just likes "the freedom." She pretends to be unable to walk when anyone is watching but she walks fine when there is no audience. She says she will just get up and walk away when told to sit on a bench. She says she'll just walk into traffic, if someone doesn't stop her. She feigns hearing impairment but can hear just fine when she chooses to. The fact that she can articulate tells me this is a narcissistic attention-seeking ploy. This didn't start when she became elderly. She's been doing these kinds of things as long as I can remember. 

Venomously Competitive 

Speaking of girlfriends (or boyfriends), the enmeshed parents HATES them. She's sees no reason why she shouldn't be the center of his world like he is in hers. And mother doesn't share. She resents anyone coming between them (as she sees it). My MIL was LIVID when we announced we were getting married. She cried the entire day of the wedding, big ugly jealous tears of resentment. My husband said it was like a funeral not a wedding. 

I don't get no respect

She complains how nobody appreciates her, after all she's given up, can't you just give a little? After all she gave you life and she'll be dead soon. Yes, they really do say these things. But don't be fooled by her gaslighting. She gets respect, love, affirmation by the bucketful. But she never gives it in return, despite all her protestations. She has a short memory for her shortcomings. She disrespectfully crashes boundaries, invades privacy, expects pampering, manipulates, humiliates and retaliates.  She doesn't want respect. She wants CONTROL. 

I, Me, Mine

Here's the sad hypocrisy about enmeshed parents. It's not about the child, it's always about them. They don't love the child they use them. To bolster their frail egos, to prop them up, to bask in their achievements, to fill their needs. It's their show and they are the main characters. They are almost always narcissistic. Children don't owe their parents this. Parents owe their children these things. 

"The enmeshed parent ensnares the child in herself so that he doesn't know where or if he begins."

---

Reflect: When you make a decision today, ask yourself: Is this for me, or is this a reflex to keep the 'mesh' from tightening?

So here's some things to think about if you are dealing with an enmeshed parent. 

• You don't owe them anything. 
• The parent is always the parent and the child is always the child. 
• Enmeshed parents don't love, they use. 

✨ Your Permission Slip

If you are uncomfortable with the smothering, and you need someone to say it's okay to step back... let it be me.

You are allowed to breathe. You are allowed to be separate. You are allowed to be YOU.

Enmeshed, narcissistic parents with Munchausen's ruin golden and scapegoat child's lives

Hello my friends! Today in my healing journey from childhood trauma, I'm exploring connections between enmeshment, narcissism and Munchausen's Syndrome (Factitious Disorder) in parents. I'll show how this deadly trifecta ruins not only the scapegoat and golden child's lives but also the lives of all children in the family. 

First some definitions:

• Parent enmeshment 

Think of a net that's all in a heap. That's the enmeshed parent, all twisted up in the child's life, taking charge where she doesn't belong. She stands too close. The enmeshed dad purposely blurs boundaries, invades privacy and snoops in his child's business. An enmeshed parent is a controlling autocrat but also needy toddler.  She absorbs and enslaves the child. She demands care and attention as if he is the parent and she is the child. The enmeshed father expects endless loyalty, usurping the child's autonomy. He interferes in things that aren't his business and demands the child surrender her life, time and energy for him. 

• Narcissistic parents

Children are self-centered by nature. They have to be in order to survive. But as we grow, we put off childish selfishness and become more balanced. We tend to our needs but not at someone else's expense. Narcissists are completely self-absorbed ADULTS. They feel entitled to special privileges and exemptions. They're ruthless and remorseless. They get a narcissistic supply by exploiting other people. Narcissistic parents not only think only of  themselves they coerce their child into serving their needs. This is complete heresy to what healthy parenting looks like.

Munchausen's Syndrome or Factitious disorder

This is called a condition but I see it more as a chosen behavior pattern rather than something the person has no control over.  A person with Munchausen's is obsessed with her health (if Munchausen's by Proxy, the health of a child, usually the golden child. 

She takes it beyond hypochondria by making up symptoms for pity, attention-seeking, financial gain, to excuse behavior or avoid responsibility. She will feign dementia to get people to feel sorry for her and overlook her bad behavior. She doesn't just fake or exaggerate symptoms though that's part of it. She gaslights people with entirely fabricated and bizarre conditions that defy medical explanation. She may even make herself sick or injure herself. This is weaponized incompetence at its worst. 

Child roles in dysfunctional families: there are five or six depending on the model you use but I'm going to reference the two most common. 

• Hero or Golden Child this is mommy's favored little angel who can do no wrong. He's her champion and cheerleader. He gives her what she wants and she relies on him for everything. She thinks the sun rises and sets in him. This is the child she's most likely to be enmeshed with. And being the Golden Child seems great, it can be just as miserable as any other enforced role. 

• Scapegoat or Cinderella. While many models describe this child as the hostile troublemaker, I experienced scapegoating differently. I was expected to cheerfully serve everyone at all times. So I did. If there's an aggressive kid, it's often the golden child because they can get away with murder while the scapegoat can't win for losing. 
  The Scapegoat Paradox:
  In the Munchausen-Narcissism trifecta, the Scapegoat isn't always the 'troublemaker.' Often, they are the most biddable and utile—the one expected to carry the physical and emotional labor of the entire family while receiving none of the credit.

The Factitious disorder, enmeshment and narcissism team trifecta

Most narcissistic parents are enmeshed on some level simply by their complete egomania. Children exist to serve them. Everything must revolve around them so children naturally will be expected to fawn over the parent. The narcissistic father is only concerned with how his child makes him look and holds himself exempt from personal responsibility to the child. 

 All enmeshed parents are narcissistic to a degree, believing that the child should be utterly wrapped up in the parents instead of having her own life. They are arrogant, believing that they and only they know what's best for the child. They demand rights over the child that are not theirs to have. They disregard personal boundaries, rights and personal space. So again, the child exists to fill a role preordained by the parent. 

Narcissists are obsessed with themselves. And folks with Factitious Disorder have a core of narcissism. because they are obsessed with their health (and only theirs) and expect everyone else to be obsessed with their health as well, to the exclusion of their own.  My mother will dramatize a hangnail (truly) and compare it to my darn-near deadly suffering with pre-vax Covid. She scolded me for not supporting her body weight with the shoulder that's I'd just had surgery on. She's glib and unconcerned about anyone's real issues. She has accused me of showing off for attention, while melodramatically complaining about hers. And when the doctor inevitably dismisses it as exaggerated or non-existent, she becomes enraged, "fires" the doctor and moves on to another who inevitably sees through the facade too. We're all supposed to commiserate with her and no one can point out the elephant in the living room that mom may be faking it. 

Narcissistic Enmeshed Factitious Disorder Martyr

The parent with Factitious Disorder does not suffer in silence. That's the entire point of the exercise. Everyone must know, feel sorry and guilty about mother's "terrible" mystery ailments. Even though they may be in great pain themselves. No one must ever say because mother must outshine everyone else.  

They must feel obligated to compensate and pick up the slack for this poor woebegone martyr not matter what they are going through. After all "she hurts" and tells you so all the time. As if she's the only one who has ever felt pain. She's not a complainer, mind you. She "bears her cross" bravely as her "poor me" face shows. She sighs dramatically saying she "hates being a burden" and then sulks if not waited on immediately. She's always moaning about being "prostrate with exhaustion" when YOU are the one doing all her work. And she's not too weary to fly into a towering rage if she doesn't get exactly what she wants. 

She brags about her famous easy-going nature then crabs if you fix her chicken two days in a row. If you say you can't help her, oh god help you. She huffs about how all she asked was one tiny thing that you were too selfish to do. And if she snaps at you, well, you should just count yourself lucky to be allowed to bear some of her load. 

It's a load all right, of hogwash. What she is, is a lazy, bossy, petulant, whiny tyrant. And you are her dogs-body, factotum and minion. 

How the narcissism trifecta hurts all the children in the family

The bottom line is that no matter what role your dysfunctional family has assigned you, it is wrong and abusive. Children are human individuals not archetypes. But in the narcissistic parent's world everyone, especially children, exists to serve.

The Invisible Job Description:
When a parent is enmeshed and narcissistic, the child is never just a child. They are drafted into an unpaid, lifelong career of emotional labor. Look at this list—how many of these 'jobs' did you hold before you even turned eighteen?

• therapist
• nurse
• psychiatrist
• Ride or Die
• sounding board
• caregiver
• housekeeper
• entertainment committee
• server
• nanny
• enabler
• security blankie
• partner
• date
• bodyguard
• taxi service
• pacifier
• emotional support animal
• mental load bearer
• cuddle toy
• paparazzi
• ATM
• defense lawyer
• handmaiden
• peacemaker
• advocate
• translator
• prop
• cheerleader
• support system 

Or all of the above. And I've probably forgotten some. All of these weaponized "duties" are inappropriate for an adult to perform for another adult, not to mention a child for a parent. 

🌿 Reclamation Homework

Take your time with these. There is no "grade" here—only the slow, steady process of finding where they end and you begin.

• The Obligation Audit: List the things you feel "obliged" to do for your parents. Ask yourself: Is this a child's responsibility, or an adult's? (HINT: If they use the phrase "what you owe us," it’s almost certainly not a real debt.)
• The Suffocation Check: Do you ever feel physically "crowded" or suffocated by their presence, even from a distance? That physical reaction is your body's way of flagging inappropriate enmeshment.
• The Convenience Factor: Does their "illness" or "crisis" always seem to flare up exactly when you are focusing on your own life or setting a boundary?

Be patient with yourself. Healing isn't a race; it's a reclamation of the self you were always meant to be.

Healing childhood trauma I caused my kids by healing my own

Hello my friends. Today in my healing journey, I'm exploring how I can help my children heal the childhood trauma I caused them by healing my own. Here are some ways that I have found to come to terms with narcissistic parent abuse, so that I can hopefully rectify some of the damage I  have done to my children with my own trauma responses. I have found that healing trauma responses was part of how I lost 100 pounds, as well. 

I sought treatment for what I thought it was depression in beginning in 1999. But it wasn't so much depression as anxiety, hypervigilance, chronic shame and low self-esteem from narcissistic parent abuse. Therapy and self-help reading showed I was experiencing panic attacks triggered by trauma responses to these. I had also suffered actual brain damage from cortisol and adrenaline bursts, due the chaos and stress my family of origin put on m . I realized I've struggled with anxiety and fear all my life. I've made every mistake (and invented some) dealing with it. Here's what I found helps. 

* Identify the source. My fears weren't irrational or based on phobias. It was the FOG--fear, obligation and guilt put on me by self-centered parents. It stemmed from chronic stress and constant abuse, neglect, exploitation, endangerment, abandonment, scapegoating, invalidation, shaming and gaslighting by abusive malignant narcissist parents. I had to work to source my pain. I found that unresolved childhood trauma, illness (emotional or physical), dysfunctional family relationships, unmet needs, fear of abandonment and toxic shame were all mixed up in my dangerous trauma responses. 

* Name and claim. I learned early on to hide anxiety and fake happiness from enmeshed narcissistic parents. Feelings weren't safe to express, so I didn't. But they found their own form of expression. They leaked out in depression and exploded out in rage and self-abuse.  They manifested as complex childhood post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) symptoms. They crippled me with fatigue and illness. Stress caused dangerous weight gain and weight loss. Feelings need a safe voice. The more unpleasant they are the more they need to be heard and acknowledged. So I'm owning them now and giving them a platform on this blog. 

* Expel and purge. Contained feelings clog like debris in pipes and the pressure builds. I felt intensely overwhelmed by the mental load my parents made me carry. All the time. I needed to find a vent and if a safe one couldn't be found, I had to resort to dangerous ones. Now I journal, blog, meditate, pray and talk to healthy people. I also I try to burn off negative emotional energy with exercise, yoga, walks and cuddling. 

* Own my own power. My biggest fears center on people's disapproval and anger. There was a lot of gaslighting about all that I owed them. I was told that I needed them to tell me what to do or I'd screw up. I thought I had to let them control and hurt me because it's all I deserved. I'm learning that I don't need them. I control me. I have good judgment and common sense. If they don't agree with how I live my life, well, that's on them. Maybe they need to clean up their own messes and stop micromanaging mine. Either way, I'm not letting it stop me. 

* Listen and trust myself. If something feels wrong, it probably is for you. If someone's hurting you, detach. You owe them nothing and yourself safety and care. Don't let bullies intimidate or panic you. Trust that still, small voice. She has your best interests at heart. If someone doesn't like it, move on. People who love you want you to care for yourself. Those that don't, don't. If you acting healthy creates problems between you, good. It means you're coming unstuck from their toxic behavior. 

* Practice Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy.  REBT Network advises that we "think our way out of panic.
 How do  we do that? Talk to yourself (lovingly). Explore fear-causing thoughts. Sometimes triggers seem irrational.  I had a panic attack at a church. Then I remembered hurtful experiences there that caused shame-based anxiety. Be honest with yourself about what is working and what isn't. Trauma responses, especially fawning and people pleasing, don't work. We had to trauma respond as children to survive narcissistic parents. But we don't have to now. . 

* Get support. I talked to loved ones, friends, a therapist and priest who helped me unpack my fear. Don't go it alone. But choose who you share with. Unhealthy people like the blind guides and flying monkeys I've spoken about before, make anxiety worse. How do you know if they are toxic? Here's my guide to red flags that invalidators put up. 

Beware of Blind Guides

Types of Blind Guides

Detoxing from Blind Guides

* Visualize. Put a face on fear. Talk back to it (I yelled at mine). Denounce the shame. Change your self-image. Instead of cowering and worthless, I imagined myself strong, capable and deserving of good. Slowly I have been moving past FOG and insecurity to a safer, more confident place. Visualize yourself as more confident and less triggered into trauma responses. 

* Avoid unhealthy habits and people. The rules of physical wellness apply to mental health too. Eat right. Sleep enough. Heal addictions. Stay away from things and people that hurt you. Enmeshed narcissistic parents are not good for you. They caused much of your trauma in the first place with their demanding, selfish, remorseless cruel exploitation. They keep re-traumatizing the more time you spend with them. Narcissists rarely change. They only get better at the hurtful games and more petulant and antagonistic as they age out of their grandiosity and into a permanently aggrieved DARVO (deny hurt they caused, attack, reverse victim offender) place. 

* Catch yourself.  Start noticing when you first begin feeling the old trauma responses kicking in. Look for cues like clenched jaw, stomachache, racing thoughts, increased heart rate, holding yourself in tense positions. 

* Formulate a response plan. Some people are always going to say something nasty and invalidating sooner or later. That's their M.O. And malignant narcissists prefer surprise attacks best. They love what they perceive as "gotcha" moments in which they've been able to humiliate you, preferably without calling themselves out in the process. They want to hurt you and they want you to know that they hurst you. But they don't want others to know. My response is to avoid them if I can, and if I can't just beware that they will do this. However, if you give them enough rope, without your usual trauma responding, they'll hang themselves. 

* Don't rise to their bait. Don't show anger, fear or any emotion. Don't share any data. They will find a way to use it against you. Be like dad, keep mum. Act uninterested and uninteresting. If they ask you a leading question, pretend you didn't hear. Be distracted by your phone or someone else. When/ if you do answer, be glib. Or say, "sorry, what was that?" This will force them to repeat their nasty comment or question and will give others a chance to hear what they said. Then give vague unemotional responses.  This is the grey rock method. 

* Practice the raised eyebrow cool appraisal look. This is not the narcissistic smirk. It's not smug or self-satisfied, just slightly skeptical. It's used when someone says or does something purposely to scorn, embarrass or humiliate you. This behavior is usually attention-seeking and underhanded. You're showing the person that you're on to them but that you aren't going to dignify their pathetic goading with any response. I did this with my mom who is always making rude, condescending comments to me in public. When she asked in her snotty voice "what did you do to your hair???" I pretended not to hear her. But other people did and kind sneered and gave her the cold shoulder. She doubled down, trying to rally support by continuing to poke fun and only dug herself in deeper. Finally, I turned from the person I was talking to and said sorry didn't hear you. She repeated it and I had the satisfaction of the other person hearing and us both giving her a the raised eyebrow and turning back to our conversation. If I had responded with hurt or anger, I would have given her exactly what she wanted. She would have preened or pouted that she was "just kidding. My how sensitive you are." Yes, it's too bad you have to do this. It would be nice if narcissists weren't so awful to be with. But they are. You just have to expect it and stay detached till they tire of their silly games and move on. 

* Keep on keeping on. You're healing. Great. But it's not a once-and-for-all experience. You have to practice self-care every day. Don't get lazy or anxiety will come back with a vengeance. 

All of these things are ways I'm cleansing myself from toxicity. I'm doing it to heal me, my little inner child and the pain I caused my children before I understood a lot of this. 

 

Healing childhood trauma from narcissistic parent enmeshment

Hello my friends. Today in my path to healing childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm exploring what is often an overlooked part of narcissistic abuse and that is parental enmeshment.

What is Enmeshment?

In a healthy family, there are clear "fences"—you know where you end and your parent begins. Enmeshment is a state where those fences have been torn down. It is a blurring of boundaries where the child is forced to become an emotional extension of the parent.

"It is not love; it is ownership. It is the weight of being a parent’s 'person' before you were ever allowed to be your own."

In this unhealthy family dynamic, parents overstep their children's innate boundaries with selfish demands, coercive control, dependency or "neediness." There's a lot of parentification in which the parent both fails to meet the child's needs while also relying on the child to meet hers. In my case, my parents were both enmeshed and narcissistic which added another hellish layer. 

Malignant narcissistic parents (such as mine) abuse kids in many ways with their entitlement, arrogance, remorseless, cruelty and Machiavellian exploitation. They enmesh with the child by literally taking her over. The child's "self" is absorbed by the parents so that she doesn't know where they end and she begins. In the parents' minds, the child never does begin. She is property. She has no life, nor feelings as they are all wrapped up in what father and mother want, need, feel, expect. Parent enmeshment is the ultimate form of childhood identity crisis. 

Here are some elements of that special combination of narcissistic parent enmeshment plus key dangers to the child, and some suggestions for healthier outcomes. 

Ride or Die

This might be the most disturbing aspect of narcissistic parent enmeshment so I'm going to hit it first. As the description above says, you are your parents' "person" before you were your own. Before they were ever YOUR person. Having/being a "ride or die", someone who loyal to a fault and will always stand by you no matter what, as an adult is good. Being your parents de facto, default, Plan A (B, C, D) support system is an endless, living nightmare. Seriously, I trauma nightmare every night about this. Children cannot take care of themselves let alone other children, let alone an adult, LET ALONE THEIR PARENTS. This is child abuse and exploitation in the first degree.  

Parentification, also called role reversal. 

In my experience with two narcissistic and enmeshed parents, I was the confidant of their intensely personal, uncomfortable and inappropriate over-sharing. I was my mother's sex therapist from age 6 or so. I was always their physical and emotional caregiver. They also abandoned and endangered me as it suited, then dragged me back when they wanted something from me. Because for all their demands and "needs" my narcissistic and enmeshed (talk about a Molotov cocktail) were equally uncaring, negligent, unsafe and even invalidating about my needs. 

Invasion of privacy coupled with inappropriate expectations. 

My narcissistic parents effectively deprived me of ANY privacy by forcing me to co-sleep with their babies over the years. My biological parents remarried and had new partners and new families. But the childcare and nightly supervision fell to me. So I had no access to anything like privacy. There was barely room for me to sleep let alone have a desk or belongings. Then factor in their boundary crashing which includes snooping, prying, eavesdropping, reading diaries, enter without knocking and even going through my purse. My mother blatantly walked into my husband's and my house and then bedroom one morning without knocking, just barged right in. My father used to enter the bathroom when I was in there. I didn't know it till my husband helped me see that this along with the sharing of sexually explicit detail by a parent, is emotional incest and sexual harassment. 

Demand emotional over-involvement while uninvolved in actual care. 

My enmeshed narcissistic parents made every little thing in their own lives into a major event or crisis. Any good thing they did for me, that any normal parent does automatically was convoluted into a major bequest that I should be eternally grateful for. AND which they said, obligated me to endless entailments. Like feeding me dinner or giving me a place to sleep. This sense of Invisible Debt will be familiar, sadly, to readers whose parents gaslit them they must always and endlessly repay parents for the privilege of existing. 

A Truth to Root In

"Children don't owe parents anything. We owe ourselves—and our little inner child—a healthier, happier life free from sick, twisted, self-serving, narcissistic parent enmeshment and gaslighting." -Marilisa

DARVO dynamics

Enmeshed narcissistic parents blame-shift and DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim offender) and round on the child if confronted, by anyone. I was expected to nurture, soothe, placate, humor, smooth feathers and feel guilty for anything that happened to them, even problems of their own making. They'd exaggerate any wrong-doing any on my part, gaslight me with endless shame. Generally it wasn't wrong-doing but normal childhood stuff every kid did. They stuck their noses into every choice I made with shaming, judgement, censure, and fault-finding. Yet they  never lifted a finger to help me and actually created chaos which forced me into dilemmas.  

Coercive, guilt-driven control paired with remorseless, irresponsible, harmful actions. 

Enmeshed and narcissistic parents use FOG (fear, obligation and guilt), manipulation, threats and reprisals to keep children unnaturally close. My parents demanded all kinds of insane things of me while neglecting and depriving me of the most basic things (food, shelter, safety, inclusion). They are punitive, self-righteous, bossy and judgmental  towards their scapegoat children with hypocritical, feckless double standards in their own behavior. They are blind to their golden kids' faults and will blame the scapegoat for everyone else's wrongdoings. 

Limited Care and Autonomy

My enmeshed and narcissistic parents discouraged and actually shamed independent decision-making but were curiously unconcerned about my actual well-being. Their objective is to control thought, choices, mobility and capabilities not foster healthy ones. When I was 20, I was living home to finish school. I was doing everyone's housework and so paying more than my share. My dad told me he "had" to go out for coffee every night so I "had" to be home so he could. This impaired my studies and teaching work. My brother was older than I had been when I was expected to babysit them all. Since I was 11, he'd been curtailing me from any outside activities so I could be available for endless chores and childcare. It negatively impacted my homework as I was rarely able to start until bedtime. 

Impacts of narcissistic enmeshment on children

Scapegoat kids raised in enmeshed families often develop low self-esteem. Their sense of self is tied to their parents happiness and if the parent is upset, well, it's the child's fault. As an adult with childhood trauma from enmeshment, I have trouble setting boundaries. I feel intense shame and anxiety about saying no. I struggle to identify feelings, needs, or wishes. I'm a hypervigilant people pleaser with extreme fawning trauma response. In relationships, I give too much and expect too little. Or actually nothing. I carry everyone's mental load. 

🌱 Homework: Digging into the Soil

Take these questions at your own pace. There is no rush to "fix" what took years to build. Just notice.

• • The "No" Experiment: Practice saying "no" to one small, safe request today. Notice the physical sensation in your body when you do.
• • Identifying the "FOG": When you feel a pang of guilt, ask: "Is this my responsibility, or am I carrying a parent's heavy coat?"
• • Creating Space: What is one physical or digital "lock" you can put on your life this week to reclaim a sliver of privacy?

Some homework for us adult children of narcissistic enmeshed parents. 

Let's practice setting and maintaining solid boundaries. Let's not be so easily persuaded to capitulate, and give in on limitations. Here's an exercise for us. Say no to something just for the experience. Pick a safe person who will understand. But then move to the more difficult narcissist parent. 

Let's develop "spaces in our togetherness." This is good practice for all relationships. And thank you Kahlil Gibran for that sage advice. If we must live with the enmeshed parent, we can find outside groups, plan weekends away and put a lock on the bedroom door. 

Let's consider therapy. If that seems unattainable, we can watch those helpful YouTube videos of Patrick Teahan, Jerry Wise, Dr. Ramani and Danish Bashir.  

Let's journal or blog. I've found unexpectedly catharsis in having Google Gemini read through  my blog posts, not just for clarity or professionality. For camaraderie and support. 

Here are some more that The Prophet has to say on individuality. It reflects on marriage but applies to parents and children just as much, maybe more.  

Wisdom from The Prophet

Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

— Kahlil Gibran

  

 

    

Childhood trauma responses: people pleaser and mental load bearer

Hello my friends. In my mission to heal childhood trauma responses to narcissistic parent abuse, I'm going to look closer at the trauma response of fawning (people pleasing) and carrying the mental load alone. Narcissistic parents gaslight scapegoat kids into believing that we bear others' responsibilities that are far beyond our years or ken, that were never ours to carry. We were groomed to trauma respond with fawning and people pleasing, giving everyone what they demand and preserving nothing for ourselves. 

First, a word about the "mental load" term. This refers to responsibilities we take on ourselves or have unfairly put on us that should be evenly distributed. Children are never responsible for the mental load of a family. Here's a snapshot of how overwhelming it is for scapegoat children who are saddled with inappropriate mental load demands.  

What is the "Mental Load"?

In a healthy home, the "mental load" is the logistical effort of managing a household. And that is always the parents job. They may require the children to assist with age-appropriate tasks. But this should be as a way to teach children healthy responsibility. They should NOT be parentified or enslaved to serve the family. And chores should be equally shared between children, not unfairly dumped on one. 

In a home with narcissistic parents, this mental load is placed on the scapegoat child who becomes Overly-functioning so everyone else can under function. The child bears the invisible, exhausting weight of being the family’s "Internal Radar." It's more than just  people pleasing. It's catering to, jumping through ever-shifting hoops, humoring, waiting on, playing the fool, dancing like a performing little dog, anything and everything the narcissist demands at any given time. Scapegoat children become slot machines, always paying out. 

And if it's difficult for adults to over-function, imagine how impossible it is for children. Before they are barely speaking or walking, these scapegoat children are already tracking, anticipating, and managing the moods and needs of adults to prevent a derailment of peace. It is not just doing the chores; if only it were that simple. It's guessing what the narcissistic parents want and being punished no matter if you guess right or wrong. 

It is the soul-crushing responsibility of ensuring SINGLEHANDEDLY that the "trains run on time" (credit to YouTube psychologist Dr. Ramani for that apt description.) It's having to prevent narcissistic parents from derailing said trains. It's being housekeeper, butler, gardener, upstairs maid, nanny and whipping girl all it one. 

In the context of childhood trauma, the mental load is more than just a "to-do" list. It is more than just a mental load. It is emotional, mental and physical over-functioning and hypervigilance —not just to keep the family mask in place, not just to keep the narcissistic parents supplied. It becomes the child's invidious task to keep everyone in a semblance of safety.  FROM CHAOS CREATED BY THE NARCISSIST. It is burnout. It is exhaustion. And if it's not an adult's job to regulate everyone else, it certainly is not a child's job. 

As you can probably see, the people pleaser + mental load carrier trauma response is deadly for children. It enfeebles and cripples us. We have been made to sign away our common sense, individuality, sense of self and childhood, to cruel taskmasters. And it does NOT transition well into adulthood, making us vulnerable to predators, takers and narcissists. We are hypervigilant to others "needs" which are often just more demands. We were taught to serve everyone often by religious narcissist parents because God says to. But we give away far more than we can afford to lose. We strip our own resources and wear ourselves to nothing. 

We are overly empathetic, and yes, that is a thing. You can empathize too much. We traumatized kids prioritize everyone's feelings, wants, demands at our own expense. We are sensitized to everyone but ourselves. We are so exhausted, taking care of adults and parents, even as young children, that we have zero energy left for us. We experience burnout from lugging this adult mental load as little kids. We took the Bible command to "bear one another's burdens" waaaaaayyy to literally. And it wasn't even written to children but to adults and especially, to parents. 

And though the fawn trauma response doesn't transition well for us, it does benefit everyone else around us. The people pleasing mental load bearer makes everyone's life easier. We reduce their stress by being overly stressed out on their behalf. That's why the condition scapegoated children suffer from is called CPTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder). Although actually it's just Traumatic Stress Disorder because narcissistic parents continue to traumatize all our lives. And we become targets for other controlling, needy, demanding people. We absorb too much worry, anxiety, caution and trepidation through pervasive FOG (fear, obligation guilt).  

We tippy-toe around never feeling able to walk solidly on our own two feet. We don't take up our own space because we're afraid to maybe to step on others' toes. We're constantly bowed in fawning servitude. We carry that physical and mental load like overloaded donkeys. We can't see because we don't dare look up. We're forced into unnatural humility that is more humiliation (there's a difference). This groveling makes us awkward and ungainly. We stumble and fall and then we get yelled at for being in the way, a nuisance, clumsy. Which is inane because the people yelling at us are the ones who made us anxious people pleasers in the first place. 

Demanding parents weaponize incompetence. They "don't feel well" or have a "bad back" or doesn't feel like doing something. We scapegoat kids are made to do it for them when our own backs are screaming with pain. And we are too young and small to have to shoulder such heavy chores. Duties no one else is made to perform including the other parent who should be if anyone should. 

We remember all the details our irresponsible narcissistic parents won't. We raise their other children. We co-sleep with them, waking up and caring for them because their parents are too lazy to. We mop floors on hands and knees because parents won't buy a mop. We iron clothes before we are tall enough to reach properly. We lug heavy vacuums that are deforming our growing backs. We get ourselves places without transport. We are forced into unsafe situations because our parents don't care what happens to us as long as they can do what they want. We learn too young how to semi-navigate but we don't learn healthy self-care skills, only bare minimum survival. 

We are exhausted from having to do things many adult can't even do and our narcissistic parents won't do. And it is all normalized and everyone is fine with it because it keep arrogant, entitled parents fueled up on narcissistic supply. Nobody else has to deal with their crazy-making behavior. 

Other people might even shame us for complaining if we ever do because "your dad is so nice" or "your mom's such a sweetie." But they only look  that way because we are doing all their adulting for them. We keep their masks in place by carrying the mental load that is rightfully theirs. These blind guides and flying monkeys can say this because they don't have to live with them, humor them, soothe and placate them, suffer their venomous rage and live at their beck and call with no lives of our own. 

I'm still in a wide open prairie space of learning and healing from childhood trauma responses like fawning. But I think one big way to heal is to see the gaslighting blind guides and narcissists for what it is: nonsense. We never did and don't owe them subservience. We don't have to be people pleasers especially for arrogant demanding people who will never be pleased. We each only have a responsibility to  and for ourselves. We can set the mental load down. We can go no contact. 

If they don't like it, pfft, who cares? They were never going to like anything we did anyway. They were always going to exclude, invalidate, dehumanize, enslave and kick us around anyway. We are not human B.O.B punching bags. It will never be a fair fight because we can never hit back. We were only ever the ones getting sucker punched. 

If you've been on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse, I have some homework for us both. Ask yourself these questions. 

🌱 Reflection: Setting Down the Load

Take a moment to sit with these questions. You don't have to solve them today; just notice the weight. I find journaling or blogging in a format such as this helpful. I also use Google Gemini to bounce my reflections off from and have found this AI tool remarkably therapeutic. 

• • Where am I carrying the mental load? (Think of the things you track for others that they are capable of tracking themselves.) Who says I have to carry it? (Is it someone else demanding, "guilting" or "not so gently hinting"? Or is it me trauma responding with FOG--fear, obligation and guilt. These questions are so critical and you might be surprised at your answers. 
• • What "catastrophe" am I trying to prevent by over-functioning today?
• • What will happen if I set this burden down? Predict worst case scenarios. Will people actually suffer or just be inconvenienced? 

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Note on Sources:

The phrase "keeping the trains running on time" in the context of narcissistic family dynamics is a concept frequently explored by Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and leading expert on narcissistic abuse. Her work on CPTSD and the "fawn" response is a vital resource for those navigating the healing process.

Childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse: the most bewildering impact

 

Hello my friends. Today in my journey to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse I'm going to explore the most bewildering impact of that. I've discussed this before but could write volumes more. And actually working to heal that is part of how I lost 100 pounds. So what is this bewildering effect of childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse?

The exhausted confusion of narcissistic parent abuse

I'm tired all the time and have been all of my life, including childhood. When every other kid was bouncing with energy, I just wanted to sit quietly or take a nap. Life has always felt very overwhelming because my parents were so chaotic and unpredictable to the point of betrayal. 

Hypocritical doublespeak confusion

Endless double standards, criticizing over inconsequential things, scolding for things I hadn't done, rules for me and no one else kept me in a baffled mental state not unlike delirium. I would dream they did some terrible thing to me and then wake confused about whether it had happened. 9 times  out of 10, a variation of it had happened. So it was more of a childhood trauma nightmare memory. 

Ferberized by neglect and deprivation

But there is no one there to help the child navigate it all. Those who were supposed to parent, only made it worse. Those who should have been allies either chose not to see, didn't care or were cowed into silence by my bullying parents who withheld access from me to my support system and moved me out of their reach. While themselves, neglecting me in the most shocking ways and situations. I learned from neglect and deprivation to quit asking for help that was never going to be forthcoming. They also conditioned me to expect shaming and punishment for basic needs. 

Adult-ified and parentified

Life in narcissistic parent abuse is constant flip-flopping demand, expectation and reality. My parents who really did owe me things, used FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) to distort reality to make it seem that I owed them. The rewire the child's brain that she is the parent and her parents are her responsibility. In my case, that included their new partners and children. I have never not felt responsible for enormous burdens that I can't even articulate. And my trauma nightmare bear this out. 

Gaslighting and gassing

These tandem weapons deserve a book all of their own. Narcissistic parents abuse kids not just with lies. They don't just gaslight the scapegoat child, they gas her with toxic and poisonous FOG of treachery and sabotage. They fabricate entire false worlds that they implant in the child's mind. They use not just untruths, but deception, manipulation, twisting, exploitation of vulnerability, distortions and other devious, conniving and cunning machinations to rewire the child to think with a damaged trauma brain. The "gassing affect" of gaslighting leaves permanent scars in the actual cerebral cortex from the countless cortisol bursts of childhood trauma and chaos. 

Pain and illness from narcissistic parent abuse 

My CPTSD and exhaustion caused actual physical pain in joints, ear-nose-throat, skin rashes like hives and psoriasis, poor vision, sleep apnea, learning and processing difficulties and other conditions directly attributable to childhood trauma. My parents did nothing about them, despite being perfectly capable to doing so. As I got sicker and more exhausted, my parents became more demanding and bullying, kicking me when I was at my weakest because they were on malignant narcissistic supply highs. 

Nightmares  

Even when I can sleep, I'm plagued with these horrific nightmares that beggar description. I have literally terrified people with my screams. It got so bad that as a child, I could not sleep over at anyone's house because the dreams were so frightening that I frightened others. My nightmares make me look insane. And what did my narcissistic parents do about them? Jeered and made fun of me. While forcing me into even more traumatic neglectful situations. I co-slept with their children, got up at night with them, dealt with constant fears of fire, home invasion and injury to the children. I slept in cold, cramped corners, on old damaged mattresses, with used, dirty pillows with needles in them, in airless rooms, on WW2 army cots, on the floor, on an unheated porch, never in a proper bed. While everyone else had new beds, WATERBEDS, air conditioning, everything to their comfort. My dad even bought himself and his wife a fountain, because he liked the sound, while I had garbage the thrift store wouldn't take. 

And that's just one aspect of the abuse that narcissistic parents are capable of. 

So the most bewildering impact of narcissistic parent abuse was overwhelming confusion. Not just about why they would do this to me. Just confusion, like delirium, or brain damage, or shell shock, that leaves you unable to breathe and feeling like you are drowning. It makes you feel blind, sluggish, lost, dazed like you have a concussion. Nothing is clear. You feel helpless like you are carrying a giant boulder on your shoulders. It makes you see everything cloudy. It zaps your good judgement, self-care skills and decision making ability. Confusion that renders all reality a big baffling mess. 

And, the most sick and disgusting part is that after creating this brain damage, your narcissistic parents weaponize  your confusion against you, with blame-shifting, shaming, and leveraging your vulnerability to their advantage. So I have forgiven them in that I accept  it happened and I'm not seeking revenge. But their day is coming. You cannot be this evil to a little child entrusted to your care and not face some consequences. 

I mentioned that part of how I lost 100 pounds was in addressing this soul confusion. It has to do with realizing that I can set down this boulder of shame and responsibility I was never meant to carry. And it turns out that releasing burdens that aren't yours allows your body to release the protective armor of weight it thinks it needs to carry the load. I'll explore more on what this has to do with how I lost 100 pounds in future posts. I'm not there yet. But each day moving forward, away from these toxic parents and toward healing is a little triumph of my self over enslavement. 

Healing childhood trauma means dropping the mental load

Hello my friends. In my quest to heal childhood trauma responses from narcissistic parent abuse, I just had some forgotten memories surface recently. That has been happening much more frequently since I began unpacking childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse. What I recalled is my kneejerk fawn, or people pleaser trauma response, to pick up the entire mental load and carry it alone. The fawn response if you're new to it, means the instinct to appease others to avoid conflict or stay safe. It means soothing sullen, fractious people, smoothing feathers we didn't ruffle, humoring chaotic and damaging behavior as if it were just peccadillos, catering to unreasonable demands, bowing down to people like gods, all at our own expense. 

The specific incidence which lead to my revelations, was remembering, how at weddings my husband would get drunk and become the life of the party. Which was fine. He was funny and never hurtful or nasty, per se. I laughed at his antics too, and even my uptight family cut him too much slack because he was so entertaining. But all his free-spirited frat boy shenanigans came at an enormous price to me. I had to carry the mental load. I got the gifts, pressed suits, cleaned up, was designated driver, and worst of all, the straight man, the schlimazel. An invidious role, which props up the charming drunk with her own shoulders. There's a lot that goes on behind the scenes. 

When we had children, it was so much worse. I'd drive home with him singing drunkenly the entire way. By the time we arrived he was sobering up and starting to get cranky. One time, he got out of the car, fell in our kiddie pool and screamed at me for putting it there. He went in, crashed for four hours, while I did all the parenting, cleanup, supper, bedtime ritual, etc. The designated drunk gets a free pass for sure, with us trauma first responders. 

And it wasn't just weddings where I had to drive home that were the problem. Some receptions were held at hotels. And that was so much worse. He'd leave me alone in hotels rooms to continue partying. I was always exhausted and in a lot of pain from back trouble. So I would head to bed at around midnight, and he'd promise to be "right up." I would be tired but unable to sleep in a strange place. He'd stagger in a 4 am and I'd be livid, mostly from weariness and grief at being ditched, AGAIN. 

This wasn't routine behavior in our lives. If it had I think I'd have divorced him. It was just a kind of letting his hair down at social functions. But he was in no fit condition to "adult" or parent. What alarms me now is that I just anticipated and accommodated it. So he expected that weddings would be his time to howl. And I ended up doing all the childcare, navigating, being the designated adult. What also alarmed and now angers me, is that I never once had the opportunity to let my hair down. AT MY OWN FAMILY functions! He was the designated wasted frat boy and I was bitch keeping everything going. 

I shouldered the adult mental load so he could act irresponsibly. One time, it was a wedding reception he had refused to attend and I took our four kids alone. The youngest was only four. It was an overnighter at a hotel in our town and he should have attended but wouldn't. I called and invited him again so we could have a nice overnight together. Not, interestingly so I could have the help I needed. I never asked for that but should have. Another boundary/need fallen to the fawn response. 

He arrived and immediately was the life of the party. It was all about him. Everyone loved how much fun he was. One person just sent him a Facebook friend request 25 years later, on the strength of that one time. Meanwhile I who could have really used a night off from being the designated adult, continued to carry that mental load alone. I made sure the kids ate, had their sleeping arrangements, toothbrushes etc. I tucked the little one in, snuggled up with her and cried myself to sleep taking care not to wake her. 

While he whooped it up downstairs. He even let our teen sons get drunk with him. And they had a great time, I can't deny that. Though I felt intense guilt for somehow allowing it. I can't really formulate now how I did. But the shame remains.  I think they also felt they had to stand by dad because he was incapable of adult behavior. It wasn't that he was precisely dangerous. But more risk-taking than he should have been. And let's be honest, when drunk, say what you will about it being an inclusive fun thing, it's all about the drunk maintaining that drunk experience. 

Again, he staggered up at God knows when, and I'd not in fact, cried myself to sleep. Only into a series of trauma nightmares. Just recently we talked about it for the first time in 25 years and his response was that he should not have "let me go" to that function. And I heard and saw what has been the problem here all along. Starting with the should not have let me. 

So first let me just say that I know my husband and as control freaky mansplain-y as that sounded, I don't think he meant it as bad as it sounded. At least he better not have. What he meant was that he should have been more encouraging to help me avoid toxic situations' which that particular wedding was. It was my stepmother's family and she, my dad and her lot have been very nasty, condescending, demanding, controlling and shaming of me. I went out of good old guilt. 

But that was not to problem, as I identified. When he said that, I pointed out, "no what you should have done was to take over the adulting and give me a much-needed break so that I could relax and enjoy an adult event. I didn't need another adult baby in my life to babysit. I needed to have some drinks and unwind. And if I had too much, well, we were all safely contained in a hotel. You should have entertained the kids at an adults-only event for once, instead of being the evening's Foster Brooks entertainment for everyone." 

I added, that it wasn't entirely his being selfish, though that was part. It was my faulty people pleaser trauma responses telling me to let everyone walk all over me, do what they wanted and leave me to pick up the pieces, AGAIN. And that was indoctrinated in me by my narcissistic parents. He wasn't responsible for that but he was responsible for knowingly triggering my people pleaser trauma response by acting so irresponsibly. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. 

His shame trauma response at first, tried to shush me. He knows and is very remorseful about his past indiscretions. And they are just that. He struggles to recall without shame so intense that he just wants to silence it. And me, sometimes. Which of course triggers my people pleaser trauma response into shamed silence. But I did something different this time. I didn't let it go. I wrote this post, for the first time in 44 years, delineating how his selfish, immature behavior felt to me. 

And I shared it with him. He said how he's felt so ashamed of these immature behaviors, and I said that what I needed was for him to tell me when he does. He says he confesses it in our Catholic sacrament of reconciliation. Which, if I'm honest, does me absolutely no good if it is not confessed to me who was the injured party. Even him confessing to me after I've brought it up, how, does me no good. Confessing after being confronted, is not true repentance. It's just getting caught and being unable to deny the accusation. If I am truly sorry, I acknowledge it immediately to the person I hurt, without waiting for them, someday to maybe bring it up. And if they don't, just keeping quiet. 

Him pre-emptively admitting the error of his ways helps me validate that the problem isn't me just being too sensitive, as my narcissistic parents always said. It helps me learn to acknowledge frustration and not bury it till it boils over. It is impossible, by the way, to bury, of absorb endless amounts of toxicity. It will burst at some point so the trick is to not let it build to the explosive level.  

This has been the case with toxic narcissistic parents, all my life. None of my four parents ever admitted a single thing they did wrong. They always found a way to blame me. I will blog more on this in another post. Suffice it to say, for now, that this blame-shifting kept me confused, frustrated and ashamed. So I don't even see problems like this, let alone express them, till decades later, if ever. I was glad to have gotten that flash of clarity in the situation. And it helped me see countless other situations where my fawning people pleaser trauma response to carry the entire mental load, has gotten me into great pain. 

Just a note before concluding. I was going to delete the entire post after discussing with my husband and coming to some resolution. He completely articulated what was wrong with it all and I could see real contrition. And I have seen real change toward more consistent mature adulting over the years. So I wanted to protect his privacy. But I chose to publish, at his insistence, I might add. Because we both agreed that you all, my dear friends, may need to hear our experiences to heal some issues in your life, family or origin or relationships. 

When I have shared my fawning and people pleaser trauma responses and the weird things they make me do, the reaction is resounding agreement. Heads nod so hard it sets off sonar waves! Because anyone with childhood trauma from narcissistic abuse, GETS IT. If you have dealt with anything like this in your life, feel free to comment about it below. What mental load are you carrying that isn't yours to carry? Your stories help us all.