What going no contact after parental abuse means to me

 Hi friends! I wrote recently about how my path to heal CPTSD from narcissistic parental abuse has turned a corner. I've made the decision (drum roll, please) to go super low to no contact with those left of my family of origin. Which might sound overly grand but to me it is. It's been six decades in coming, so yes it's kind of a big deal. But what now? Where do I go from here with the healing? Well here's what going no contact means to me. 

It sounds like the old what I did on my summer vacation essay, doesn't it 😁? which in a way it is only in reverse. What am I going to do with the rest of my life, now that the abusive family is out of it? And I'll tell you  categorically, I don't know. Yet. I've lived so long with them messing with me, living in my head rent-free and nightmares every night, that this is new territory for me. 

So going forward, what will it look like? Well, I suspect it will hurt some. It hurts to see people caring for their parents and knowing I'll never be able to do that again because it's been so exploited. And then it has always hurt a lot so, less will be better. I have to come to terms with the fact that because rules of family life didn't apply to me, rules of adult interaction won't either. That normal expectations a kid can have for parents, didn't apply, their expectations on me (and my self-gaslit ones) don't either. Because they gave me no care and only exploited me, I owe them nothing. I think I never did. I certainly have no expectations on my children. 

However, abused and gaslit kids don't know that family relationships aren't transactional and that they should expect reciprocity. That parental care isn't an option but a right of childhood. That basic needs aren't met conditionally and then not at all when they future fake and change the conditions. That kids don't exist to please parents. So I didn't and so I don't. My "debt" to them, if there ever was one, was paid in full with interest decades ago. And I can feel free to close the door on that period of my life. I don't want to help and I don't care. Done. 

Yes, I realize that may be cold. And it would if they hadn't shut the door on me first. I've felt guilt about all the ways I've supposedly let them down all my life. But it didn't happen. They got more than enough from me, gave nothing and took what was mine. I gave till it not only hurt but destroyed large parts of me. They exploited and misused me. So I have nothing else for them. 

I can't do anything without hearing one of my four parents shaming voices in my head. Second-guessing, criticizing, undermining, attacking, bullying me. That's a hellish way to live. I feel afraid, stupid and foolish all the time. I don't even know right from wrong because everything I did was wrong. And I know that's not what God wants for me. 

So now I'm going to try something different. I'm going to do what I want and need (whatever those are, I don't know yet). I'm going make decisions the way I see fit and if it doesn't work, oh well. If I fail, I'll take it up with God. I'm taking back my own power. I'm going to find the confidence to try things I've never tried, crazy or not. 

I get to make mistakes and even do flat out wrong things on purpose once in awhile. Goodness know they were done to me often enough.  I'm basically a pretty kind person so it won't be anything too bad. Certainly not the earth-shattering deal my family made out of anything I did "wrong." Honestly, the way they blew things out of proportion and then minimized their own chaos is just laughable. 

But I realize that I don't have the power to make the world come screeching to a halt even if I wanted to. I don't run the show. I'll leave that delusion to the narcissists. I'm just lil 'ole me. I don't have to be the perfect one, the fixer, solver and smoother of feathers. I'm getting down off this damn pedestal of expected perfection. It's a tiny place to perch, no room to stand comfortably and fukkin easy to fall off from. I'm a perSON not a perFECT. 

So there's going to be a lot more honesty and a lot less fawning around here. Fewer yes sirs and no ma'ams and more just no I won't. " If it turns out I go overboard on the boundaries, or get more demanding myself, so? I'll figure that out for myself. Or they can so no to me. I don't need anyone bossing me around and scolding me. And I probably won't do that because I never have. 

And hear me now. If ANYONE ever screams at me, cusses me out or verbally abuses me again. Watch out. Because I will not tolerate it anymore. 

My recovery from CPTSD just turned a corner

Hello my friends. I just had an epiphany in my journey to heal CPTSD from narcissistic parental abuse. For more on all that you can read my back posts. I've turned a corner and am taking a new and, for me, unprecedented direction. I'm deciding to do a few things differently. And it's having a marked improvement in just a few days. What is this new direction, you ask?

Simply put, I've decided to cut contact with my two parents that are left. After a lifetime of them abusing, neglecting, shaming, invalidating, insulting, mocking, depriving, stealing from, parentifying, excluding me when it suits them, exploiting, enslaving, manipulating, raging at me, bullying, lying, dismissing, scapegoating, enmeshing, pirating my self, minimizing and gaslighting, I finally decided that it ends here. No more enabling, pity, help that hurts me, giving without reciprocity and getting kicked in the stomach for it. Done. 

And not a moment too soon. I've been struggling all my life with physical, mental, emotional, financial and spiritual suffering with CPTSD they created in me. And it's killing me at an escalated pace. I'm tense, anxious, frightened of shadows,  shell-shocked. I just a tiny noises. Everything worries me, especially things I've been made to think are my responsibilities, that aren't. 

So yes, it took me into my 7th decade to finally realize that I needed to sever ties with these dark triad people. Yes I wish I'd done it decades ago. If I'd cut contact when I was 16 and they kicked me out of the house, I'd have saved myself years of misery. As I said to my daughter today, ending narcissistic abuse is better done earlier rather than later. To which she said, "better late than never." So very true. 

And I didn't because I didn't know should not allow it or even that I could. I was raised in a cult of one, by four dark triad narcissists who saw to it that my brain was damaged by their exploitation. For children raised this way, coming out of the torture is exactly like coming out of prison. You have to break your way out because they will  never let you go. And the strongest bond and barriers are in your own mind, put there by people in whose best interests it is to keep you locked up, chained and walking the grindstone. And like Jean Valjean after Toulon, abuse survivors are scarred, scared and confused. 

But we are free. And I for one am never going back. I realized now I owe them nothing. And yes it sounds cold and heartless. Gaslit me definitely still feels more like a perp than a victim. But if you know my backstory, you know it's the only choice I have. Once you know it's being burnt you have to yank your hand out of the fire. 

I didn't ask for it to be this way. I did everything in my power to make them happy. And they liked that power they had over me. I kept my hands glued to my eyes to avoid seeing what as right in front of my face. They did not, do not and never loved me. They've used me. And I let them. I made excuses, defended and bent over for it. 

But no more. No more bullying. No more answering to shaming manipulative demands. I call the shots in my life. If I screw up, so be it. I'll deal with it if the time comes. I will let me common sense dictate what's best for me, not a conscience rubbed raw by inappropriate expectations and demands. 

And so it sounds like I don't care. Well, I don't. No more that the basic concern I have for everyone. They wanted to play it both ways, family when it suits them or there's something to be gotten out of it. And they bosses and business transactions when they give or do something. I always heard about how she had to "get back to her (real) family."  But then oh wait, I expect this or that because you're my child. Did she know how excluding that was? Of course she did. She went out of her way to remind me   of all the double standards I was expected to put up with. 

So yes, I was your child, to care for an nurture, not to boss and exploit. And you weren't my mother when it came to expectations you were supposed to be meeting. You reaped where you didn't sow. So now I don't care anymore.  I care about me. I care about those who are genuinely in my care. So she needs someone to care for her. (No not really. She just likes being waited on.) But say for argument she does need something. It's not my job to provide. And I don't want to anymore. 

It may be difficult for me at first to enforce these boundaries. But I'll get the hang of it. What has been going around for 60 years, is finally coming around. And who am it to stand it the way? 

Ridiculous and pitiful things CPTSD from narcissistic parental abuse makes me do

 Hello my friends. I've been writing a lot about my CPTSD from parental abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, shaming and invalidation, enmeshment, family scapegoating, identity pirating and gaslighting. Today I'm looking at how the acute stress responses of fight, flight, fawn, freeze and I'll add fix, have caused me to do ridiculous and pitiful things. 

For me, the four acute stress responses happened in a sort of order. I would be threatened in some way by one of my four selfish, sociopathic parents. It might be intense shaming, fury, rage, insulting, sexual harassment or covert incest, lying about something I'd done, manipulation, back-stabbing, chaotic changes made to serve themselves which hurt me, neglect, being put in dangerous situations, being left alone with no resources. It would come from nowhere. I never saw it coming. Which would make it more terrifying. Unbearably so. 

It would shock me and I'd freeze (panic). I would go into a sort of emergency, crisis mode fugue-state shutdown. My  hands shake and my stomach feels sick when I recall it. I couldn't think clearly. All common sense went bye-bye. Then I'd fawn (grovel, humor, placate) when it wasn't safe to run (flight). I'd literally present, like a wild animal. I was so frightened and confused that I'd cry, beg, sometimes wet my pants. I'd beg to know what I could do to please them, so they wouldn't be so angry. And to make this god-awful misery stop. But hell hath no fury like a narcissist. 

Then later, in situations it was safe to, I'd fly. Sometimes. Mostly I just stuck around to be further hurt. I'd been groomed to be the whipping girl. So I thought that's what I was supposed to do in all situations. If I was shamed for running, I'd back down in shame. And sometimes when cornered, I'd come out swinging. But it wasn't to hurt the other person. It was defensive, to make them stop hurting me. Little did I know that a lot of the windmills I was tilting at were from traumatic situations long past. 

But the one thing I always do, is the stress response I've added to the list.  ALWAYS rush to fix the problem. This is kind of like fawn but with a more active component. Even fighting was a response to make it stop. The other person was deregulating and I was feeling myself going the same way. So I tried in all ways I could to get out of the spiral, to break the cycle, and get us to safety before we both went completely down the drain. If that meant the shock slap across the face, well, needs must. 

Of course, you who don't experience this, can see how incredibly dysfunctional it all is. But you can' think clearly when in trauma or shock. It all feels so urgent. And it is meant to. My perpetrators forced me into feeling a state of perpetual emergency over their selfish demands. They created panic with their abuse, harm and gaslighting. I was conditioned to jump in fear and rush to help whenever any of them said to. And it was all over piddly things that I deal with as an adult on a moment by moment basis. There was never a real crisis, except the one they were creating in me. 

As you might imagine, all of these stress coping responses have gotten me in trouble in the real world, outside their cultish narc fantasies. What was supposed to keep me safe (an never really did) in the alternate reality they created for me, looked very sick in the light of day. I have scared off a lot of people with my over-reacting, shell shock responses. But then they don't live in the Armageddon in my head.  So what do I do that's so strange? 

1) Can't differentiate between mine and thine. It's all mine to worry about and fix. It's all thine if you need it from me. If you need something, even if it's something you should be doing for yourself, especially if you guilt me into believing it's my job to provide it, you'll get it. 

2) No is not a word in my vocab. Personal boundaries don't exist. I feel ashamed of needs and certainly wants. 

3) Don't know big from little problems and little from no problem. Everything was made out to be earth-shattering. So do I overreact? Hell yeah. 

4) Stupid myself down to humor others. I will keep quiet about things I know if others are saying it's different. I keep opinions to myself if others say it's wrong. I always think I'm wrong and others are right, no matter how wrong they patently are. I don't speak up when I should. I don't share different perspectives because that would be "contradicting" even though we're both grown adults. I still see myself as the "disobedient child" my parents painted me as, in my 60s. 

5) Too agreeable. I'm not exactly ashamed of my ideas, I'm just too afraid of displeasing people. I'm terrified of setting off belligerent, angry people even though they are perpetually set off. And my kowtowing just makes them worse. 

6) Let others kick me around. Being the butt of jokes, target of rage, scapegoated, insulted by kids I'm in charge of caring for, shamed and scorned by people I'm supposed to serve, it's all normal for me. 

5) On edge all the time. Waiting for the attack. 

Acknowledging narcissistic abuse isn't blaming, it's getting perspective

 Hello all. I've done a lot of processing of abuse, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, manipulation, invalidation, exploitation, scapegoating and gaslighting I experienced from four narcissistic parents. I'm absolutely drained and second-guessing myself. And I want to make a few things clear (probably mostly to myself). When I share about the abuse, I'm not shaming and blaming anyone. I'm trying to get out from under the false shame and blame that was laid on me. 

Is that just blame and shame shifting (putting on others)? I don't know. I'm not intentionally placing it on them, just getting it off me. If blame, by association, lands on the perpetrators of the abuse, it's something I can't help. And is it really a bad thing to sort out who is responsible? If blame and shame is so bad, why was it okay for me to be subjected to it all my life? Why was I made wrongly responsible for their actions? It has ruined large parts of my brain. I've been miserable with it as long as I can remember. 

The voices in my head are saying, well if you know how it feels to experience shaming and blame, why would  you want to put someone else through it? And they would be right in asking if I was putting it on an innocent bystander. But my parents are not innocent. They're the ones who created this hell with their neglect, abuse, abandonment, endangerment, etc. 

I'm just saying what happened instead of believing the lies and distortions. I'm identifying what's mine and what's  not. I'm sorting people's issues into the right baskets instead taking them all into mine. All I'm trying to do is heal the CPTSD it caused me and undo the damage of gaslighting. Acknowledging abuse, neglect, etc, helps put it in perspective for me. It helps me understand how I was hurt by it, where I can correct unsafe beliefs, hopefully, and how, maybe, I can live a healthier life. 

If my getting some relief means they get held accountable for their bad treatment of me, well, maybe better choices should have been made. 

Many contradictory lies my narcissistic parents told about me, to exploit, gaslight and shame

Hello my friends. I've been doing a lot of recovery work in CPTSD from a lifetime of abuse, neglect, exploitation, abandonment, enmeshment, endangerment, parentification, invalidation and gaslighting by four narcissistic parents. I didn't know then that all this was happening. I just knew I was miserable and suicidal most of the time. I thought their poor treatment of me was normal and/or my fault. I didn't even know most of the words for it till a few years ago. But now that I do, boy do they fit and wow, is the behavior pattern. And do they weaponize and gaslight! Confusing stuff they said was actually right out of the narcissist's handbook. 

Here are 25 contradictory lies and deceptions my narcissistic parents told about me, to gaslight, bully, exploit and shame me. It felt very out of the blue but I see now that it was supposed to. So I would feel that I'd provoked it with my egregiously bad behavior. This would keep me always on my toes and watchful. Always ready to fix, fawn or make amends for some hinted at transgression. 

Now I see it wasn't just a bunch of random attacks but quite organized persecution. Their lies and distortion, followed by gaslighting were self-serving and strategic. Rehearsed even. Like a litany or formula. They'd devised a system of weapons which they pulled out at pre-appointed times. They also had a defensive arm in place to defect any objection. In short, they were ready and prepared to thwart any obstacle in their path. As if I was some kind of threat and not a good, loving, obedient kid. 

Hmm, funny that. Did they actually view me as an enemy to be vanquished?  Some evil in their midst? It sure felt that way.  I think I was supposed to think I was the evil, (not that evil was done to me) so that I would never question and always feel ashamed. That I'd brought these attack on myself, though I never knew what I'd done to provoke them. I now see this offensive was manufactured to confuse, frustrate, tear down my defenses, plant false, hurtful beliefs about myself, induce artificial shame, render me helpless and create an alternate reality for only me to live in. So that if I told anyone, they'd laugh because it sounded so paranoid. 

And it was all for power over me. They wrote a controlled, fake narrative to keep me in bewildered compliance to their whims, demands and crazy expectations. And it was entirely lose-lose for me. I would no more put out one of their fires then they would set six more. I  could never get it right. They made sure of that. It was an endless loop of moving hoops. They painted me in a corner. I was caught in a vicious net that kept getting tighter the more I moved. 

And how did they do that? I don't completely know because I'm not that devious. But I know it includes telling repeated lies and twisted half-truths.  And keeping me gaslit so that I believed whatever I did it was wrong even though they'd just said it was right. And living double standards. And being unpleasable so I'd keeping me jumping to please.  These are things that were said to me. In paras are the contradictions of what they actually did versus what they said or meant or what I was supposed to hear in it. These are listed in no particular order because I didn't see a pattern then but one is emerging. And that was to do just that, keep me hopping. 

You're too sensitive. But you're not sensitive enough to others' needs. You should just know (sense, predict ) what we expect without having to be told. You should be more "sensitive to" (anticipate) our needs (whims, demands, wishes). We (you) should be at the ready and jump to serve (you exist for us. We will not serve you or even help or give basic care.) 

You can't be a teacher because you're too sensitive. (You should not go to college because who will take care of us?) College isn't for everyone.( You've outshone us. Your intelligence makes us feel insecure. We're also embarrassed you succeeded when we gave you no help.) Not everyone woman is a cow. (My wife is mad that you breastfed your children when she was too selfish to.) You're competitive.(Our kids like you better than us because you took better care of them than we did).  

You're too needy. (how dare you need glasses and food and a bed?) You're too demanding (how dare you ask us for things?). You expect too much (medical care, bedroom, love, encouragement) You're too selfish (needs, wants, feelings are for us, not you). You aren't working hard enough ( to meet our selfish demands). 

You need to accept chores (unreasonable, unshared burdens) cheerfully. But not too cheerfully because then you're proud and looking for praise. And you shouldn't ask if you did it right because you are fishing for compliments. 

You look ridiculous (when I'm the one wearing a hooker costume to a church Halloween party and nightgowns in public). Your hair looks silly (I don't even comb mine) You're making a fool of yourself (doing normal kid things while I'm behaving so bizarrely that your friends parents won't let them come over). You're attention-seeking (I threw a pie in your face at my work party). You're immoral (while I'm sleeping with another woman's husband). You sound ridiculous (when trying a new vocal style in private in the bathroom). There's nothing wrong with your back no matter what the doctor says. (I have real aches and pains, despite obesity and malingering diagnosis) '

You lack common sense (adult skills many adults don't have and we don't use) You're childish (as a child). Grow up (when we haven't and won't). You're clumsy (from uncorrected impaired vision, lots of heavy housework). You shake your hips to get attention (you walk crooked from poorly treated congenital hip dysplasia, ignored scoliosis and other medical neglect) You're forgetful (from being overtired from sleeping in unsafe, unhealthy conditions). You lose things (we take them and sell them) You're obsessed with things you lost. (like son's shoes which we stole from you). 

She's your mummy. He's your father. (they're not. You only have one each of those. They're our partners and your bosses. But not your caregivers or family so expect nothing of them but also render service to them.) Honor your parents. (and our partners we call your parents when it suits us. But that's just for you. We don't have to honor ours. And we'll just ignore that part about what we owe you)

When we play our instruments, we're serving God. In fact, we should always be invited to play and all eyes should be on us when we do. You're just showing off when you sing in the bathroom. You're arrogant and proud. You're looking for attention. You're fishing for compliments. (We just expect them.)

God says you have to serve (us) with no thought of reward or payment. We're family. Unless it's us doing for you. Then it's a business transaction and we will be paid back with interest It's a gift when you give and a loan when we give. We will not serve you or anyone. God wasn't referring to us when he said to serve you. Or anyone. You owe us. We're your parents. But you're not our child. We owe you nothing. In fact, we'll be taking what you've been given by others from you. For our real families.  

You're too defensive (when we attack you. You should  just let anyone walk on you not protect yourself. God says) God didn't mean us, however. We will see exploitation everywhere and attack first. Youre also offensive to your stepmother and stepfather (your bosses, not caregivers). You also can't take (our) criticism (destructive, harsh, mocking, shaming, fault-finding, harassment, attacks, untruths). And you're too critical (of us). 

You have to respect us, God says. We owe you no respect. You're disrespectful (when you didn't see what we want and jump to fix it). We're just doing our job as parents (when we're blatantly disrespectful, rude, shaming, humiliating, punitive, insulting you) You need to not only respect but care for your siblings. They don't have to respect you. They don't have to do things they should be doing for themselves. You have to. They don't have chores. You do. They're kids. You had to do adult work when you were younger than them. You have to be the adult when you're a kid. 

You forced me to scream at and humiliate you in front of everyone at Christmas because you went to try on your sweater. Even though you also had to go to the bathroom. And no one else was asking permission for that. I assumed you were just being disrespectful even though you never are.  And your grandparents who were supposedly so disrespected, asked you to try on your new sweater. And my sons ran off to play with their new toys. You must ask permission for everything. Even though you did and my wife gave it. I didn't HEAR you ask so I assumed you didn't even though you always do. In fact others have said how weird it is you have to ask permission for everything and no one else does. 

We aren't stealing from you. We need the money for our new families. You can do without. You don't need a room of your own. Your job is to sleep in our babies' rooms and get up with them. You're not a family member you're an unpaid nanny. But you can't tell anyone because then you're lying. Or not being loyal to your (our) family. 

You're not really suffering. We're not depriving you. We need these luxuries for ourselves. You don't deserve basics. You overreact. You came in an hour late once and so we kicked you out. But don't be so melodramatic about it. You're 16. You'll be fine.

You need to humble yourself. We're the important ones here. You never back down. (you always back down and we don't like it because it shows up our pride and arrogance). You're stiff-necked. We're your parents. We get to order you around and you have to just like it and ask for more (we're the stiff-necked ones. We're bossy, demanding, hypercritical and we NEVER apologize). You must beg our forgiveness (for things you didn't do wrong or things we did to you) but we won't give it. You have to forgive us, God says (ignore what we did, that we're not sorry for and let us keep doing it). We don't have to  extend mercy and can hold a grudge all our lives. You won't back down. We don't back down because we're always right. Even when God says we're in the wrong. 

You don't do enough around here (you do most of our work, all my wife's kids' work but we can always think of more) You upset your stepmother. (I'm upset because she is upset with me or just feeling fat, lazy and crabby but it's your fault.) When she's sulking I will say in front of you, "maybe Mari could fix it, do for you" etc.  (By which hint, I expect you to beg her to please tell you how to make her happy.) I will invite her to think of yet another thing you can do to please her. (She will not be pleased, we both know this. Which will piss me off at her. But I will take it out on you.) You shouldn't expect her to be pleased. (That's my job. Yours is to just keep jumping. That she never is further pisses me off.) 

You shouldn't ask what you did to upset her (because she is probably mad at me and might actually tell you that).  You should just know. (By which I mean I won't tell you because I don't know myself. Which will piss me off more.) You must have upset her otherwise why is she pouting? (I know damn well why, because she's always peeved and so am I. But I will NEVER give you the benefit of the doubt.) 

You're so impatient. ( I'm impatient and how dare you be so put together?) You're always angry (You're not angry enough. How can you keep it together when we can't. We're always angry We just want you to feel guilty for it).  Why are you so eager to please? It's pathetic. (I hate it that you're so good at doing my job.) Why can't you just get it right with her? (I can't but you must keep guessing cuz I haven't got a fucking clue). You don't like your stepmother (I can't stand her). You should be ashamed of yourself. (I'm ashamed of myself but not enough to stand up for you. I need it to be your fault so I don't have to deal with it or her). 

You take everything so personally. (personal attacks, shaming, blaming, scapegoating) You  take things too literally. (insults, mockery) You're too careless (exhausted from all our ceaseless and unreasonable demands) You should lighten up. (and quit expecting us to actually parent you or be adults ourselves.) You are the whole problem in this family. (I need you to be. But I won't tell you how to fix it because you can't because you aren't. We are and won't. I just want a scapegoat.) 

Your job is to serve us. (actually its mine but I'll never admit it. So keep hopping, you.) God says you have to be a servant (The Bible is written to us. We're the adults, parents and caregivers, not you. We're just gonna conveniently overlook that part). You need to be a willing servant. (you are this already but I'm going preach it in such a way that you believe you aren't.)

You need to look for the good in others. (You do but again we'll gaslight you into thinking you don't. While we on the other hand will always look for and expect the worst of you. And others. We will overlook the bad in ourselves. We will get mad instantly at the first hint that you've done something wrong. And never hear your side. You don't have a side. 

You need to be more resilient (you've proved yourself endlessly resilient to our abuse while, we, dammit, fall apart at the slightest blip). You're too independent. You need to be more of a family member. (do more, be more, while said family excludes you). 

Just face it. None of the rules of normal life apply to you. 

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You know, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if any truths were told and if my entire framework of life was based on lies.  

How narcissist parents enmesh, exploit and gaslight to make scapegoats feel responsible for their actions

 Hi friends. To heal my CPTSD from narcissistic parental abuse, I'm going to the roots. I'm exploring not not only that but also how and why I was abused, neglected, abandoned, endangered, scapegoated, parentified, invalidated, enmeshed, exploited, shamed, invalidated and gaslit about it all. Today I'm looking at how narcissist parents enmesh, then exploit and then gaslight to make scapegoat kids responsible for their actions. 

So, what do we know about narcissists? They are self-centered, arrogant, hypocritical, demanding, needy, control freaks without empathy, who plow over others' boundaries. They pirate others' identities, take over their brains. They see us as extensions of themselves like an arm or eye. They use us to get narcissistic supply and  delusional fantasies of grandeur fulfilled. I experienced this from four parents (two biological and their partners). They were so enmeshed that I actually believed it was selfish of me to think, need, want and feel for myself. 

Plus my mother is very histrionic and inappropriate sexually. She is seductive, manipulative and constantly demanding of attention. Being stripped of my sense of self, I let her use me as a sex therapist, pawn and object of comparison, as a child. (See my funny looking fat little daughter, now look at sexy me). She allowed and I see now, encouraged her boyfriend to mock me, at 10, for my small breast size. While she preened herself on her larger ones. She runs around naked and sleeps naked and tells everyone about it. 

She openly cheated on my dad when we were in Alaska and dragged me along. She exposed and left me with various older men (sugar daddies I now suspect) who were mommy's "friends." My dad was on "mission trips" thousands of miles away and completely unavailable. I was left alone and vulnerable. All while planning her Good News clubs, she said. I don't recall those ever happening. At one point she left the native community to go be a youth group leader (she said) on a remote island. Now I wonder if she hadn't made herself a pariah and was being sent away. We had no home and no money. I've no idea how we lived. 

She has always dressed oddly, wearing seductive clothing when young, dressing like a hooker for Halloween and then later, wearing nightgowns in public. When I was young, she'd make out with her various boyfriends blatantly, in front of me. Like I wasn't even there because I wasn't, to her. But she also wanted me to see and be jealous, I now know. Jealous that I wasn't as hot as her (at 8, mind). And also because she wanted me to feel sick and humiliated. 

She talks about sex all the time and always has. She talks about her privates with my husband and kids. She got a boyfriend of mine to talk to her about his genitalia. She has shared intimate details of her sex life with me since I was a kid. I never asked her to stop, even including a few years ago when she talked to the doctor about sex problems in front of me. She didn't request I leave and snapped at me for not being for appearing uncomfortable hearing about it. I see now, she wanted me to feel icky. 

My dad was off in a different way. He dated a series of younger women, one being 17 and young enough to be his daughter. He fully planned to marry her and pass her off to me as a mother. She was 8 years older than me. He had very blurred boundaries with me about who was my mother (authority figure). They were my family (not caregiver, boss)  if he said so. Same with my mother. They made it up as they went along. I was just told how it was and expected to adapt. No questions, support or thoughts of my own. Well, you would, wouldn't you if you your daughter is not a person but an appendage. 

And then they gaslit me into thinking this was all perfectly normal and that I should be grateful. God expected me to serve them and their new spouses and all their new kids. Even though no one I knew had a life remotely like mine. And even though it was made abundantly clear that I wasn't really welcome. I was family when things were expected of me but not in things I should have been able to expect. I was a useful nuisance and one they clearly resented. 

But then, they preached such a different message. They were always reading and quoting scripture including that which called out their behavior as immoral. They believed themselves to be actual ministers (they weren't. It was just delusion). I was taken to church and beaten with the Bible on all the things God expected of me. But I never once heard them speak of their responsibilities. They were above it and the Bible didn't apply to them. There were two completely opposite sets of rules, both of which were made up by them for their own self-centered ends. 

Anything they did, no matter how foolish, selfish or sinful was God telling them to. They were just following instructions. Even though the Bible plainly said it was wrong and forbade it. We were reading the same Bible but getting very different things from it. I always kinda wondered about that, but they were so convincing and who was I, a kid (and a gaslit one at that) to question?  

But I see now that they were twisting God's word to make it seem like it says things it doesn't. They were taking bits they liked, out of context and distorting the intent. They were omitting anything that didn't support them or called out their behavior. Some things they just flat out lied about. For example, theft, child abandonment, lying, adultery and fornication. Those, my mom said, didn't apply to her because...well, I can't recall the excuse she used. But I know she did excuse it because she was so blatant about it, while still preaching against it. As I see now, they said they were God and I believed them. I literally didn't know right from wrong when it came to them. 

And I never said anything about how awful all this made me feel. Ever. To anyone.  You can't with an enmeshed narcissist parent. They get volatile when you do and make you feel even worse. So you keep silent, always. They do not feel ashamed for their very shameful behavior and they blame/ shame shift it onto you. And here's where the narc parent makes their scapegoat kid feel responsible for their behavior. 

When you first draw breath, they take you over. They strip your personhood and indoctrinate you in the cult of them. You're their puppet. Anytime you begin to form a boundary, they smash it. You are shamed for feelings, needs, wants and individuality outside of them. But then, they guilt you with their needs you're supposed to meet. They don't care for you or even like you but you must attend them at all times. You are groomed to supply, fix, fawn, placate, provide, offer up and serve. 

Then, once they have you good and messed up, they take it a step further. They exploit your boundarylessness, vulnerability, lack of identity, inability to protect yourself, confusion and intense shame. They contort truth, manipulate situations and gaslight you. They so baffle you that you take on their guilt and shame. They convince you, by trickery and lies, to think that you are at fault for their behavior. I don't know quite how they achieve it. I only know that they do. And the gaslighting is bewildering. 

Why would they do this if they feel that rules don't apply to them? Why not just do as they please and not worry about it? I have come to think that even the most delusional narcissist knows on some primitive level, that their behavior is wrong. And there are people, not so hoodwinked as I was, telling them what's wrong. And this creates massive shame. 

But being self-centered, they believe they don't deserve the shame. So they lie, backpeddle, distort, twist. They're being victimized and persecuted.  They're never to blame so it must be someone else's fault. Someone must be making them feel this way. He is and it's God, bringing to mind their sin but they can't accept that because He would never disapprove them. They're only always just obeying Him, they believe. 

So they land on the scapegoat child. It must be her fault. She's making us feel bad. Bad her. Which reiterates how deceitful it is because I never did. I accepted all they said as gospel truth. I made up excuses for them and defended them. So they knew they had the perfect target in gaslit, muddled little me. I would willingly take on myself their shame. Goodness knows I'd done it often enough. Over the years the perfected the method till I was too exhausted to protest if I wanted to or even knew I could and should.

And that as they say is that. A perfect circle of shame, beginning and ending with me.  

CPTSD nightmares are strangely helpful, calming and validating

 Hello friends. I've been writing a lot lately about my CPTSD from decades of narcissistic parental abuse, neglect, shaming, invalidating, exploitation, scapegoating, endangerment, enmeshment, abandonment, parentification, manipulation and gaslighting by four narcissistic parents.  I've shared how my childhood trauma nightmares are teaching me things. Today I'm exploring how they are calming, reassuring and validating. 

I've written before about the crazy and terrible CPTSD nightmares that plague me every single night. The moment I fall asleep, I'm in one. They're chaotic and confusing. I'm in strange and terrible situations, having to care for numerous children in dangerous, filthy and disgusting places. I'm expected to do impossible tasks but what and by whom, I don't know. There's no pattern, just misery. People are nasty to and angry with me. I have more memory of dreams than reality. I wake up more tired than I was when I went to bed. 

I've shared how these dreams are showing me that, odd as they are, they're true.  These kinds of things did happen to me. I was subjected to very unsafe, inappropriate expectations by angry, malicious parents. I was left alone to cope with things adults could not cope with. I was baffled by the shifting, self-serving, destructive and unfair demands. As my husband says, the nightmares are more memory than dream.

I have lived in a confusing shadow world of deceit, where lies were truth and reality was flipped on its ass. I was pool-balled and played off people. I was thrown in the path of sadists, psychopaths and predators.  Machinations, cons games, scams, double standards and threats were my normal. These dysfunctional adults who were responsible for me, manipulated, coerced and browbeat me into a complaint state of enslavement. They bullied, harassed, attacked and exploited, all for selfish gain. 

I wrote recently about how this ceaseless trauma has damaged my ability to protect myself and rendered me boundaryless. My coping mechanism is to fawn and try to fix. I find myself in awful situations with no idea of how I got there. Because I'm raw with no self-protective skills, I get gulled or dragged into very wrong situations, by narcissists, that I did nothing to create. But because I'm so prone to guilt and fixing and so brainwashed by selfish people, I immediately assume that I somehow created the problem. I described some of those experiences in an earlier post. 

I don't remember ever not being stressed out and hating myself. My home life (which was really  nothing more than constant couch surfing) was fraught with tension. The air was sliceable with it. I look back and remember faces grim, sullen, resentful and livid with rage. Most of it passive-aggressive (mom, step mom and dad) and some just aggressive (step dad and occasionally dad). 

The few "peaceful" times I experienced always backfired on me. Just when I began to relax, I got a sucker punch in the stomach. I can still feel the gut twisting shock. I've blanked out, squashed down and sat on a bulging suitcase full memories. I thought I was managing to keep them in check. But they explode out in those nightly dreams. 

The nightmares don't resemble my actual life or people in it but the feelings and actions are exactly the same. I believe this changing of people and places is to protect me. If I dreamed about the real people and situations, my mind would implode with the realization that it wasn't just a dream. As the cop shows say, the names have been changed to protect the innocent (me) but the events and my brain damage from them are real.

So  here's an example (warning it's pretty disgusting). Last night's dreams involved me having to care for a large number of babies who were defecating in my  hands because they were sick and there were no diapers. We were in a dirt floor basement and I was trying to get them clean, cared for an off the floor. Later I was trying to clean my home in which there was old food and vermin. 

There was a woman staying with us who was ordering me around and taking the place over. She and my husband were both yelling at me to clean up and get rid of the bugs. They weren't lifting a finger to help. They expected me to wait on them and mocked me. This is completely out of character for my husband. So it had to come from earlier memories. 

And this is so strangely helpful, calming and validating to me. It's calming because it's validating which is helpful to sort out the truth from toxic lies and gaslighting I was told about myself, what I was supposed to do and what God expected of me. I've also noticed that I'm fighting back more than I have in past dreams. Normally I'm kowtowing and feeling ashamed. In this one I yelled at them to get busy and lend a hand. So maybe I'm turning a corner? 

My husband has also been requesting that I tell him the entire content of my dreams. Something I've been loathe to do because the shame that was implanted in my brain makes me think I'm somehow responsible for having them and that people will think I'm the oddball because my dreams area disgusting and weird. 

I have recognized my own parents and their partners in these dreams. My bio parents brought dangerous people into my life. They all expected me to serve and parent them. They all kept me in unsafe situations. I've lived in actual squalor and metaphorical filth from their dirty immoral behavior. 

But after telling my husband, he identified an additional connection, that the woman in last night's dream may represent his mother. The dream woman was young and attractive and there was obviously something between them if he moved her into my home, let her take over and they joined in bullying me. 

He made the point that his mother had always considered him a possession and kind of a surrogate spouse. She looked on me as a rival for his affections and did not respect me as his wife. She had always been scornful and unpleasant to me. She would feign affection and then turn on me even when I was doing for her. She messed up our wedding as much as she could by crying ugly, angry, pouty tears throughout the entire thing. 

She called the shots on everything. Husband says she's done that all their lives. And his dad, while not complying with her, expected his son to. Husband was the fall kid in their family triangle. When dad passed, she expected husband to take her to the doctor (she had other options but didn't want to use them). 

He had to use my car because hers was uncomfortable to drive. And because she was so over-picky and nasty about using hers. This left me without a vehicle. And it never occurred to us to expect her to leave hers for me. The one time I had to drive it, to move her across the state, she made my life a living hell. Instead of just putting down our boundaries, we gave let her have her own way in everything. 

He admitted that there were many times when he'd be frustrated with her and take it out on me. He has given her her way because it was easier.  I took care of her most of the time (because his work schedule didn't permit it). This made her angry because "her son" wasn't taking care of "his mother."  I waited on her and let her abuse me. 

Neither of us had acknowledged how much damage she was allowed to do. Because, well, she's his mom. We both turned a blind eye to her very hurtful, controlling and selfish behavior to "keep the peace."  But evidently, my dreams didn't. They saw inside my subconscious and have tried to warn me of the damage these people and situations have caused. It never would have occurred to me if he hadn't pointed it out.