Narcissistic parents confuse and destabilize kids then shame their confusion and self-doubt

Hello my friends. Today in my quest to heal CPTSD from a lifetime of malignant narcissist parent abuse, I'm exploring how CPTSD causes constant confusion, self-doubt and difficulty making decisions. I'm also looking at how narcissist parents confuse and destabilize you and then shame your confusion and self-doubt. Narcissistic parents create your CPTSD then ridicule your trauma responses. They mock you for being fearful, indecisive, insecure and anxious. 

First, here's some info on CPTSD. Those of us with CPTSD never feel safe or secure. It robs you of inner peace. CPTSD steals your ability to fully embrace joy. Our malignant narcissist parents taught  us to be afraid, very afraid of them. Nothing is simple or straightforward for us. Ever action or choice is fraught with anxiety, hypervigilance, FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) and endless second-guessing and overthinking. 

And that is because I am always confused. Dysregulation is a frequent visitor. I got used to expecting surprises and not the good kind. The suckers punches of parental anger and disapproval which always came the minute I relaxed. So I don't really know how to relax or what that would feel like. It's hard to impossible to explain to anyone who hasn't experienced this. Those who have know exactly what I'm talking about. 

They say things like "but that's not the way it is for you now." Ehh, potato, potahtah. It feels the same now because I was conditioned so thoroughly to think and trauma respond like this. Learning new things is hard at any age. Learning new things as a senior citizen is harder still. Unlearning things that you were coerced into doing and punished for not doing, that borders on impossible. I am hard-wired to feel insecure whether I am safe or not. 

And then there's that confusion. Here's how my narcissistic parents hard-wired that into me. I was expected to do the right thing always, without being told what the right thing actually was and certainly not having right behavior modeled for me by my parents. I was just expected to divine it. And I was always being told I got it wrong. I couldn't win for losing. My narcissistic parents had a comeback for everything. Which is really weird. Why would they need a weapon against their child? 

It always felt like someone was angry with me. I was continually hearing how I'd let someone down, but never how. At both my mother's and father's new homes, there was an undefined by clear atmosphere of oppressive hostility, aggression and passive-aggression. And it was made clear that I was the one causing it. Though I was a cheerful, biddable, people pleasing kid. 

It was so bad that I have dreams about it now, in which I have done something unspeakably wrong and I have no idea what it is. I beg people to tell me and they just sit glaring hostilely at me. Of course, in my dreams I'm also being expected to do six impossible things at once so that could have something to do with it. When I look back, I see these are not dreams but memories, all jumbled in that confusion I spoke of. 

I see now too, that keeping me confused, insecure, frightened, anxious made me even more useful to them. If the Lord loves a cheerful giver, a narcissistic parent loves a terrified one. It gives their colossal egos one hell of a power trip, which is sick in itself. But fear also keeps the child docile and in line. And being impossible to please keeps the child always striving harder to please. It confuses her that they aren't happy because she is such a failure. It never occurs to her that they are weaponizing it. 

And as if that confusion wasn't confusing enough, the malignant narcissist parents use her own confusion against her! They make her feel inept because she "can't do simple things." Simple which no one else has to do and certainly not for an audience. I never saw any of my parents lift a finger to help. And why was I, a kid, doing all their adult work anyway? 

They say shit like "you wouldn't be so confused if you were right with God." "It's God that is causing you to doubt yourself." Or "you're not tired. you're just exaggerating or showing off." Or "you're too sensitive." We don't' ask that much, just that you do your part in the family. Why do you have such a problem with a few chores?" "You need to lighten up. You're too serious." Funny, though, I never expressed frustration with my lot. So I didn't know where that was coming from. Till now. 

Now I see it was coming from the constant game of Whack-a-Mole they played. No matter what I did, it got smacked down. This keeps the kid nervous, dodging and off balance. Remember that destabilizing I mentioned? I was always going to be smacked down no matter what. They said they didn't say well done because I'd get a big head (said the most arrogant people I've ever known). 

Truth is, they couldn't risk praising me because then I might not be so quick to jump. I might actually feel part of the family and let down my guard. And I might see how badly they'd been treating me and that it was no fault of mine. I might start questioning and then their narcissistic fantasy house of cards could tumble. In short, I might leave and take away their source of narcissistic supply. 

It was never about me learning right from wrong. It was about me learning to be afraid. And ergo the confusion. It's impossible for someone to be wrong all the time. And I probably did a lot right though their gaslighting is so loud it feels wrong to say so. But if  I found that out, I might use it to differentiate right from wrong and then discover that they had been preventing that with their gaslighting perversions and distortions. If I found out that I had the ability to fly, that the cage they put me in was fake, I might fly away. And then who would wait on all of them? 

So as for God being the one causing my self-doubt, mmm, I don't think so. I think He may have been helping me see that they were the ones to doubt. That they spoke with forked tongues, put millstones on my neck, tied me up to burdens they didn't help carry and led a little child astray. And this is very much not okay with God. On this I am not confused. 

But on everything else, I am. Making decisions is terribly challenging for me.   I second guess everything I do. Because so much of what I was taught was right, was actually wrong. And much of what they said was wrong of me, was in fact, correct. But it still often feels the old way that taught me. So now everything requires me to analyze which is the right course? Usually I find that if I do the opposite of what they said, I get it right. 

But then there are those ringers they threw in, just to keep it interesting. Sometimes, they were right. But not by design, by accident. Or to confuse me further. Which is really exhausting to sort out. The only thing that consistently works is to just throw it all out, baby, bathwater, bathtub, bathroom, house, and start over with a fresh slate. That's why I ask a lot of questions of people which might sound obvious or stupid. I am trying to relearn the safe, healthy, positive way to think about things. 

Weirdly contradictory CPTSD trauma responses from narcissist parent abuse

Hello my friends. Today I'm examining a weirdly conflicted CPTSD trauma responses I have from growing up in chaotic narcissist parent abuse. These are equal and opposite reactions I've developed from being in the crosshairs of malignant narcissistic abuse. And crosshairs is a good metaphor for this contradictory perpendicular double standard we find ourselves in, pulled one way and then diametrically the opposite. Thanks to the work of YouTube therapists' Dr. Ramani, Patrick Teahan, Jerry Wise, Danish Bashir and Dr. Les Carter I'm beginning to untangle this tangled web pf deceit my narcissist parents wove. 

Always in demand and in the way. I find myself in this contradictory trauma response so often. I feel both the weight of endless expectation PLUS a sense of always being in everyone's way. I am always juggling too much responsibility with too little accommodation. My dad literally told me it was my job to duty to do all the adult work while out of the other side of his mouth, telling me to be quiet while the "adults" were talking. So I got used to being hypervigilant and groveling while also squashing myself into a pretzel so I didn't cause them any inconvenience. I was the unobtrusive yet ever-present servant. 

Necessity and nuisance. If my narcissist parents had just abandoned me, it would have been easier. But no, they needed me too much to jettison me. I provided too much in the way of emotional dumping ground, surrogate spouse, surrogate parent, slave and scapegoat. They kept me around to do the heavy lifting, but very grudgingly. 

Expect one-sided transactions. We hear that transactional relationships are unhealthy. I'd have loved to have a transactional, give and take relationship with my narcissist parents. If only I received from and not just paid into them. If only it wasn't just me giving out good things like a broken slot machine. If only I hadn't learned the trauma response of expecting to be backstabbed, extorted from, exploited and used. If only I hadn't believed their future faking. 

Do too much and expect too little.  I heard an amazing quote on YouTube that "narcissist men don't prey on weak women. They seek out the fixers who have been taught by toxic parents to expect too little." I took it two steps further. I expected nothing good and planned on being taken advantage of. I prepared for exploitation by endlessly giving because they said to. My dad said "we" (meaning me) should give with no expectation of reward. He might as well have given me a Molotov cocktail and told me to stand there while it blew up in my hand. 

Self-care is selfish. Oh how my narcissist parents weaponized this against me. They took damn good care of themselves, too good, at my expense. While grooming me to believe that me having needs, ideas, opinions, a voice, wants, goals, aspirations was selfish. That self-defense and self-protection was somehow self-centered. Well, they would say that, being very entitled themselves and being the reason for me needing to defend and protect myself in the first place. 

What I learned was dysfunction trauma responses of fawn to predators, freeze in fear and fix whatever anyone else broke. I learned to let fear, obligation and guilt drive my every action.  This little girl you see in the picture was already anxiously hypervigilant against offending those two arrogant, entitled and manipulative people with her. 

Prepare for gaslighting if you go no contact with dark tetrad narcissist parents

Hello my friends. Today in my journey to heal CPTSD from malignant narcissist parent abuse, I'm going to explore what might be one of the saddest issues. And that is the scorn and shaming victims of narcissist abuse all too frequently experience if they cut ties with their toxic family. And I don't mean just the shaming from the toxic family. I mean censure from outsiders who have no connection to you. Don't expect affirmation from society. Prepare for gaslighting if you go no contact with narcissist parents. Here's why and how. 

Expect to be criticized for going low or no contact with toxic family. And not just from the people who always wag their fingers. Plan on pushback from extended family, friends, co-workers, your church, even psychologists. Because virtually nobody gets childhood trauma unless they've experienced it or are willing to be empathetic. 

There's no framework for malignant narcissist parent abuse. People don't get childhood trauma caused by selfish parents because parents, by definition aren't. Or they're not supposed to be. Or the blind guides' parent weren't like that. So yet again, we traumatized kids don't fit. When we go no contact, we become the whistle blowers on it. We don't have to so anything. Just the fact that we're estranged, says it all. And society has no frame of reference. But it should.  Because what people don't understand, they often attack. We don't do different well. So cue the gaslighting. 

Gaslighting is real. These blind guides who shame your pain, aren't just giving unsolicited advice. They are gaslighting and not just your reality. Reality, period. They make up all kinds of ridiculous excuses for your narcissist parents and I've heard them all. Some from my former therapists whom I had to cut ties with as well. 

--they meant well

--they did the best they could (when I told one therapist that I didn't think mine did, she, who didn't know them from Adam, said I couldn't say that, that it was "unfair to them." I am no longer her client.)

--they're victims

--they're suffering

--they ARE your parents, after all (oh yeah, they played that card, unfortunately, forgetting that I WAS ALSO  their child to whom they had responsibilities to, not just rights over.)

--you're exaggerating. (yup, that's what she said)

--you're making it up for attention (yup that's what dad said)

--it wasn't that bad (now how the hell would you know how bad my life was or wasn't??? I just met you a few years ago. 

--you're just too sensitive 

--It takes two to tango. (more on this gaslighting nonsense later)

Empathy and power differential.  Weirdly, there's a lot of support for narcissist parents and precious little for their victims. The same people who have so much compassion for your "poor neglected" parents give zero cares for all the neglect and abuse you suffered. They weren't' there, don't know diddly-shit about all that went on, that you suffered alone. And yet if you simply decide to stop participating in their abuse, you are treated like YOU are the problem. 

Society likes silent compliance. Most people don't like their comfort zones threatened. They prefer an echo chamber where we're all happy, normal social media smiles for the camera. I happen to be that weirdo who enjoys being shaken out of complacency. I hate complacency. It feels creepy and Stepford. But that's just me and probably my childhood trauma speaking up. Little me knows what it feels like to be silenced and shamed. When people tell me or just hint that they were treated like crap by their parents, I believe them. No one makes this up or chooses this. 

Nobody choose to go no contact with toxic parents. We came to it as a last ditch effort to save our sanity. After six effing decades of it!! And yet the blind guides treat us as if this was just a novelty, like we want to be the cool kids. Or it's some kind of woke thing. It IS!! I finally woke up to the fact that my narcissist parents did NOT love nor care me, DID abuse, neglect, exploit, invalidate and scapegoat me. If anyone went no contact, it was them with me.

Malignant narcissist parents draw first blood. They went no contact with me decades before I ever realized it. They dumped me on strangers, left me to wander alone, were not there for me, coerced me  into all kinds of sick, deranged situations. Now I'm not going no contact with them, I'm just letting doors they slammed stay closed. I'm removing my foot from the door so it doesn't get repeated crushed. Thank you, husband for pointing that out so eloquently. 

Where was everyone when all this was happening? If anyone shames you for going no contact with narcissist parents, if they scold you that you  have to forgive 70x7, keep hoping and holding on, or whatever gaslighting they foist on you, ask them this. WHERE WERE YOU? They will not be able to answer. And then ask them:

What do they get out of defending your narcissist parents? So one way to prepare for gaslighting when you go no contact is to start digging into why they are doing this. The best defense is a good offense. Don't be afraid to express uncomfortable truths, at least to yourself. These blind guides with their unsolicited advice and DARVO shaming of you, are benefitting in some way, from your pain. They may be narcissists themselves and you make them feel uncomfortable. Or they aren't as empathetic as they'd like to think, so they shame your truth-telling because it unsettles them. Others just like to play devil's advocate.  Some people are just Class A ssholes who love to make other people feel small. 

DO NOT LET IT DERAIL YOUR HEALING. Whatever the reason for this gaslighting toxic positivity (which isn't really positive at all), please don't fall for it. Anyone who faults you for taking care of yourself doesn't have your best interests at heart. They should not be given airtime. Do what you need to do to stand up for yourself. If that means cutting ties with them too, so be it. 

Accept help. Those of us who have been abused by narcissist parents don't know help from harm. That's why we listen to blind guides not safe people. So we need to look for the helpers, the healers. We need to seek out loving people who will sit with us and hold space, not judge or pontificate or shame. 

Dark tetrad narcissist parents gaslight and sabotage kids into auto-gaslighting and sabotaging themselves

Hello my friends. Today on the path to healing CPTSD from narcissist parent abuse, I'm exploring how dark tetrad malignant narcissist parents gaslight and sabotage their kids into auto-gaslighting and sabotaging themselves. After decades of their gaslighting and sabotage, I catch myself doing to to myself now. After years of being tricked into and trapped in harmful situations, being taught to ignore red flags and danger signals I now walk right into trouble which I probably would have avoided if I had had loving protective parents. 

Listening to narcissist specialist Dr. Ramani on YouTube, I heard a commercial with  a man saying that narcissists don't target weak women, they target the fixers who have been taught by toxic parents to expect too little. I need to find out  who this wise man is because those are profoundly eye-opening words. It's as if he read my life's script. My narcissist dad would literally say to his pouty narcissist wife, hinting at me, "maybe Mary could fix it." He would invite her to think of something I could do to please her, thereby avoiding his responsibility and dumping all of it  on me. Usually fixing meant me shouldering yet another task so she could "rest." She laid around a lot while I took care of her house, family, chores, laundry etc. 

That insinuation that I was somehow responsible to fix other people has haunted me all my life. Now, whenever someone is upset, I can't NOT feel obliged to make it better and guilty if I can't. FOG--fear, obligation and guilt to take care of others have so clogged up my view that I can't take care of myself. I learned that self-care was selfish and that tending to selfish, self-centered, self-absorbed people and anyone, was my only duty in life. I was shamed and gaslit into thinking I didn't have a self. 

This sabotaged my self-defense skills. Instead of protecting myself from dangerous people and situations, I ran straight into them. Just like in childhood, when any of my narcissist parents demanded something, I complied, no matter how much it hurt me. And with dark tetrads, it always hurts. They don't want you to do things that are good for you, too. They EXPECT and COERCE you into doing sick, weird, dysfunctional and devasting things that have lifelong harmful impacts on you. 

And pretty soon, they don't even need to gaslight you anymore. You gaslight yourself. So now you are participating in your own ambush. It's so twisted. I do not trust myself to make good decisions because they TOLD ME that safe, healthy and wise was wrong. Everything is bass-ackwards with dark tetrad parents. So now I'm confused about safe and unsafe. With all the warning signals out of order, I don't have a functioning safety system. 

And it's made so much worse when your parents are religious Christian narcissists. (boy, if that isn't a contradiction). They used the Bible to gaslight me, particularly the parts about being a servant to all. That was shoved down my throat. Though looking back in retrospect, I never saw them serving anyone but themselves. Now I see the hypocrisy, arrogance, double standards, exploitation and manipulation. But children know nothing of this. They just take things on face value, assuming their parents have their best interests at heart. 

Photo is me at 12 when I first moved in with my dad and his new wife. Already I was living in the FOG of fear, obligation and guilt. Plus shame, hypervigilance and anxiety. 

How I lost 100 pounds by ignoring gaslighting

Hey there my friends! I began this blog to share how I lost 100 pounds without anti-obesity medication or weight loss surgery. Then I started exploring why I was so anxious and had such low self esteem. And I traced it to CPTSD from narcissist parent abuse. So I wove that into this blog. Now I'm seeing how much obesity, weight gain, weight loss and narcissistic abuse are related. Today I'm exploring how I lost 100 pounds by ignoring narcissist parent gaslighting and all gaslighting about weight loss. 

Let me begin by identifying what is gaslighting versus just lies, unsolicited advice or defenses of opinion. Gaslighting is denying reality. It' not just denying another person's reality, but reality in general. The gaslighting person denies someone else's experiences. They say "it never happened, wasn't that bad, you're making it up, showing off for attention" blah, BS, blah. As you might imagine, narcissist parents are some of the worst gaslighters because they are strategically placed in a child's life, to do so. And they have a vested self-interest in keeping narcissistic abuse hidden and their abused child, silent. 

As you might also imagine, it really does a number on the child's self-esteem, being told they are lying, making things up or showing off. It destroys her self-care skills and replaces them with defense mechanisms of fight, flight freeze and fawn. Being bullied by her parents makes her a target for other bullies. It also makes the child, I guess gullible is the word. She's used to believing her arrogant, entitled, deceitful parents over her own common sense. So she falls  for things a better cared for, championed, supported and nurtured child would not. 

I felt obliged to fall for other people's crap. I felt obligated to roll over for any abuse and let them because that is what my parents said a "good girl" did. Oh so much wrong with that. Children of malignant narcissist parents like mine, will literally allow others to rape them (emotionally, mentally, physically, religiously) and then thank them for the privilege. There are no words for the level of depravity of malignant narcissists.  

By gaslighting (denying reality and the child's right and responsibility to protect herself) malignant narcissist parents deprive their child of life. Of self. Of confidence. As  I wrote recently, they tell the child she can't do things she can. They cripple her. So what does that have to do with how I lost 100 pounds? Everything. 

The chronic stress from their strategic chaotic gaslighting caused me to dwell in constant cortisol bursts which damaged my brain. Their weaponized deprivation, invalidation, manipulation, torture, undermining exhausted me. I put on weight easily because I didn't  have the energy even to keep my eyes open. I also lost weight from deprivation but always saw myself as fat. Soon I was gaslighting, second-guessing, invalidating myself. I did lot of weight yoyoing. And through it all, got shamed and blamed by my parents. You're too thin and it's making us feel outshone. You're too fat, you little pig. We'll put you on a 1,000 calorie diet at 8. 

This went on for nearly five decades till, one bright day, the sun shone and I was able to see through the gaslighting.  I was morbidly obese and hated myself. I started hitting my fat. And then I stopped and realized. I can change this. I'd always been told I'd fail at whatever I tried. But for once, I just thought, what if they are wrong? What if I can succeed at weight loss. And I did. Ignoring their gaslighting was how I lost 100 pounds. Mind you, the gaslighting didn't stop. I just chose to ignore it. I was still being told that I couldn't do it with calorie restricting, intermittent fasting, keto diet etc, after I had already lost weight! All of which were part of how I lost 100 pounds without drugs or surgery. 

Which proves to me that gaslighting is nothing more than delusional lies. They don't even hear themselves. But we do. We hear the illogical, nonsense. And when we stop listening is when we start hearing our own truth. 

Narcissist Parents gaslight kids into believing they cannot do things they can

I recently listened to a YouTube video by psychologist Dr Ramani and my goodness that woman is so astute about narcissism. And Dr Ramani, when you suggest not to make narcissism your magnum opus, I hear you. When you say you wake up at night thinking about it, I believe you. I appreciate more than you will ever know that you have. But I know it comes at a cost. As I am learning since finally in my sixties realizing that my parents and parental authorities (all 4) were raging narcissists. Lucky me.

Today based off one of Dr Ramani's talks and one by psychologist Jerry Wise, (another very wise person) about scapegoat kids, I'm going to share how narcissist parents gaslight kids into believing they cannot do things. That they will fail. And, boy howdy, the gaslighting is real. It occurred to me that they had me conned into taking as gospel fact, that I would be unable to do many things. 

Not that I had failed mind you. That I should just never try according to them. Many things. Silly things. Large and small things. Things I might have been very good at had I but tried. Yet I believed that my narcissist parents were ubermensch, clairvoyant, speaking ex cathedral from the mouth of God. (They have a convincing sales pitch that makes you believe this nonsense). SO I NEVER ONCE QUESTIONED THEIR GASLIGHTING.  Until now. I have believed these things for six decades. Let's just sit with that major mind mess. When Dr Ramani pointed this out it literally took my breath away to realize that this was me. Is me. I've been a cheerleader for everybody else but myself. 

And fat lot of good it does me now to realize that so many things they said I couldn't do I could have done if I had just not listened. Well that would have been about as likely as a rhinoceros walking down our street. I listened to their twisted, self-promotional, gaslighting version on everything. I let them not only instruct me but dupe, groom and indoctrinate me. But in fairness to myself I can't really say I let them. There really was no other safe choice. It is not safe to go against or even seem to disobey narcissist parents. They are utter knucking futs control freaks. They will play every dirty trick in the book if you do: mocking, shaming, scolding, invalidating, dismissing, cold shoulder, silent treatment, deprivation, draconian punishment, ambushing, character assassination, humiliation, smear campaigns, on and on and on.

If you are their scapegoat child that is. The Golden kids can do no wrong. Literally. Even when they are wrong, it is still your fault as the scapegoat in some way. It would be laughable if it wasn't so pathetic, how they lie and blame-shift and fudge around with reality. It's cringeworthy the way they turn every conversation to themselves or the Golden kids. I graduated magna cum laude with a 4.0 from a prestigious school and nothing but haughty sniffs from the 'rents. ON MY OWN I MIGHT ADD, NO HELP FROM THEM. No congratulations from my narcissist parents. But lavish parties thrown for the ones who barely graduated high school. And a friend's kid! Seriously, the year I walked graduated with a BA, my dad and his wife threw a party for their friend's son. But not me. I didn't even expect one that's how shitty they were. 

It's got to be a little bit embarrassing for these Golden kids to have mommy and daddy acting like their precious babies shite rainbows out of their asses. But be that as it may. That not my circus and I have no intention of addressing those monkeys. And I'm not jealous. I wouldn't trade. The goldens in my family didn't fare well, being constantly shielded from consequences. In fact, failure to launch best describes them. My narcissist parents can keep their little delusions. Much good may it do them. And as they burn bridge after bridge, I think other people are beginning to see how ridiculous it is. 

If I sound bitter, I am, if I'm honest. I won't let it ruin my life. But it's time to show up for the child, teen and young adult I was who was kicked to the curb. Thankfully I have lovely now people who make my now beautiful. But no amount of happy now can undo the harms I suffered. And one of which was the toll their gaslighting took on my confidence. I agree with Dr Ramani and Jerry Wise said this too. We who were scapegoated by our narcissist parents will never get back all they stole. We'll never be up to full power emotionally. We will never know what it is like to confidently approach a situation without agonizing hypervigilance, fear, obligation and guilt. 

That is at the crux of the problem and why our narcissist parents were so determined to tear us down. FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). We felt obliged to squash down our success because we were afraid it would outshine them and they would be angry and make us feel guilty. How messed up is that, when a parent can't feel glad and proud of their child, only resentful? How screwed  up is a parent who vindictively punishes their child's success? Not much of a parent, if you ask me. 

But why this vengeful attitude? Why the diminishing? I've said it before and I'll say it again. Normal people get ahead on their own merit. Narcissists elevate themselves by walking on others. When they said we couldn't do something they were saying they couldn't do it. They were telling on themselves. But as we know with narcissists they never admit failure. Their inflated, arrogant, vain, conceited sense of self won't let them. So they DARVO (deny, accuse, reverse victim offender). No that the child is offending by succeeding. But the narcissist is offended and feels victimized. So it must be the child's fault for somehow persecuting them. Delusions of grandeur and persecution, thy name is narcissist. 

I remember my mother telling me that "if it weren't for you, I would have held a prestigious position within the church." Now this is a weird thing to say for many reasons.  First, she was shaming me for existing and getting in the way of her "success." I did not choose to be born. Next, she has consistently church-hopped. In my childhood, they attended probably 16 different denominations. Briefly. Till somebody didn't see how ultra special they were and they got their noses out of joint and flounced off.

So I'm not entirely sure which church she was referring to. I am guessing it was the Salvation Army which we attended for maybe 6 months in Alaska. Where they had gone to be missionaries. They were not under any church affiliation and whichever church they were in when they left (I can't recall, maybe Baptist?) categorically disavowed their call. Basically the elders said "you do this on your own. We do not support you." And of course that church then became the haters, the unbelievers, yada yada. Because they did not support (aka fund) Jack's and Nancy's pet fantasy. 

So back to my mom's exalted position that I'd prevented her from enjoying. I think she fancied herself as some sort of religious guru. I know she told me that she was going to be a youth group leader and that's why we had to move to a remote island. In the middle of divorce/ separated from my dad with a young child. In a church she had been in for 2 months. While blatantly cheating on my dad with various men. So a church is going to usher you in, a single parent, whose husband is God know where, with no training, living en flagrante sin, to lead their youth?? I think now, seeing as an adult, they had just made themselves too hot to handle and were being sent away where they could do the least harm. But she had to spin it as her choice and style herself as a leader, not a pariah who'd worn out her welcome. I even wonder, based off the fact that she left me on said remote island with strangers to go "to Seattle (1800 miles away) for a bladder infection, whether she was pregnant and going to get an abortion. It wouldn't be out of character. 

It's also funny that she vaguely just said she would have a prestigious position. Thereby showing that she had no idea what the structure of the church was. She just knew she would be somebody very important. Had 6-year-old me not held her back. Well she never put much energy into the mothering job anyway. I did a lot of time wandering alone no idea where she was and certainly no idea where my dad was in that enormous state of Alaska on one of his "mission trips" with some teenagers whose parents he was able to con into going along. I have no respect for any parents who would allow their kids to go into the wilds of Alaska with a stranger, just saying. If he was actually on a mission trip. Later stories made it sound more like a fun gap year walkabout. 

You see, it could never be Jack's fault or Nancy's fault that they're pie in the sky ideas didn't work out. For one thing they never put any work into it. They were the idea people. The grunt work was for everyone else to follow through on. I think, as cringy and delusional as the sounds,  they just got it in their heads, drove to Alaska, no plan in mind, no place to stay (we lived in at least 11 places in the year I was there), knowing no one, having no job or means of support. I think they expected to waltz into town and have the Indians (who they were planning to convert, toes curling here) just line up to take them in, feed them and care for them. While they sat on their asses and "preached." AWKWARD!!!!

So when I had dreams of doing normal people things, like going to University, completing a degree, becoming a teacher, possibly getting my PhD, singing in a choir, having a solo even, Acting in theater, writing a book. All of those things were shot down. When I'd sing in the bathroom he'd say I was just showing off and fishing for compliments. Why was he in the bathroom with me? I wonder that myself now. While he'd theatrically play his violin and even bring it into new churches, waiting to be asked to play and then getting huffy if they didn't. He wouldn't let me sing in the group I started and invited him to participate in. He just took over like he always did. Quite a few folks asked me why I never sang anymore. How do you say because my dad doesn't think I'm good enough.   IN THE GROUP I STARTED!!! 

I remember him telling me "you'll never make a good teacher. You're too sensitive." And as Dr Ramani predicted, I believed that's because he cared about me. Which is horseshit. He also used the "you're oversensitive" when he would bully and belittle me. So not feeling that love there, Jack. It was just a way to shame me and keep me from pursuing talents. 

Another time, when visiting my stepmother, an obese bed bound computer addict, she asked me in her snarky way, "so I hear you have some little blogs online?" Actually those little blogs were paying about $50 a day and featured my work as a top 10 Yahoo! writer. But of course I let her diminish my success and said basically it's nothing. She asked what I wrote about and I said oh money saving tips, lesson plans, weight loss and things like that. 

And she retorted in a snotty way "well don't tell Dan (brother) and his wife. They are way in debt." When I asked why I would not share with them how to get out of debt, she said "you'll just embarrass them and make them feel bad." Mmmkay. So they would pay Dave Ramsey for financial advice, but free advice from me, well what could I possibly know? Even though I paid off $10,000 in debt in one year. They are still in debt by the way. And stepmother died in debt. So, yeah. But you know what's sad? I let her get into my head and make me feel guilty and ashamed for writing. 

And there were other rude comments about my weight loss. My dad actually bragged up his 400 lb wife losing 5 lb. But was very scornful of me. They were not interested in how I lost 100 pounds WITHOUT DRUGS OR SURGERY. I had to laugh, at one point he said you'll never do it. I don't remember if it was to get the college degree, pay off the debt or lose weight. The hilarious thing was I already done them all! 

When I graduated college he said, nose in the air, "well, college isn't for everyone." You mean you failed at it. They made snotty comments about breastfeeding which was very important to me. He said "not all women are cows." I never bragged about any of it. But they took my quiet success as a personal injury. These are just a few examples of how those who can't insult those who do. I wish that I had not believed their gaslighting. Think how much more I would have accomplished if just one of those flying monkeys had cheered. 

Narcissist parents gaslight the child that self-defense is contradicting disobedience

 Hello my friends. Today in my quest to heal CPTSD from narcissist parent abuse, I'm exploring how malignant narcissists gaslight their scapegoat child that self-defense or standing up for herself is contradicting, disobedience, "mouthing off", excuse-making or even attacking the parent. The parent does this to throw off the already unbalanced power differential even more in their favor. They also do it because they put their own deceptive, shady spin on things. They treat the child as if she were acting as they would act in situations. I'll explain. 

We'll work backwards through this, beginning with that last part. Malignant narcissists come at life with a twisty, scheme-y, one-jump-ahead-of-the-law mentality. They are always trying to evade consequences of their irrational, irresponsible and reprehensible actions. They get away with as much as possible and lie their way out of it. They look for loopholes, plea bargaining, alibis and wiggling out of punishment, instead of honestly admitting what happened and defending themselves reasonably. 

I could list you scam after scam my mother and then she and her boyfriend/husband have perpetrated over the decades. From cheating on my dad to having affairs with married men after the divorce, to stealing from me, to conning me and my husband out of our car, to running a contraband foster care home, to Ponzi and Pyramid schemes, to multiple bankruptcies and fake lawsuits, to illegally kicking me out of the house, to staging accidents for insurance, you name it. And that doesn't begin to touch all the sketchy, abusive, neglectful, illegal crap they did to me over the years. 

My dad was the same song, with different verses. He stalked a 17 y/o girl at 36 and called it dating. Everyone else called it creepy. He jumped jobs and houses at the rate of about one a month, to avoid legal entanglements, etc. He frequently walked out on me for months at a time, conning me that he was "going on a mission trip." He and my stepmom exploited tribal housing subsidies and wrote fake prescriptions for opioids. 

If cornered, their M.O. is DARVO, deceive and deflect blame. I have never heard any of them take genuine responsibility for a thing. It's all lies, excuse, evasions and blame-shifting. HOWEVER, when I was young, they were all militantly on me for the least infraction, mostly invented, all of them normal kid things. I was harshly punished by being hit, slapped across the face, grounded for months, deprived of my room, having money extorted (yes I had to pay for my transgressions), made to do even more ridiculous household tasks. 

If I ever defended myself, rationally, by telling my side of the story, it was twisted into "lying" "just covering yourself" and disobedience to their supreme authority. I was instantly guilty just because someone said I was. I recall one time, I was a teacher and my younger brother was in my class. I had to reprimand him and he went home and told his parents that I was unfair. They came unglued on me without hearing my side. I was 20 and they tried to punish me like I was 12. Bear in mind I was doing all the work around the house to pay for my "room and board" and had been since I was 12. 

When I spoke up and told my side, my dad got upset because he knew they were wrong. Then he rounded on my brother but too little too late. Brother and stepmother never ever apologized. They would never have taken his part against any of the other teachers who were my stepmother's friends. The principal actually called them on the carpet for unloading on me. They yelled at me for "making a family matter" public. Despite them dragging their issues into my professional arena. They said I was lucky because they "got me this job." Har-de-har. They were getting free tuition thanks to me working at the school! 

This is one of the few if any other times I stood up for myself. You can probably see why. Everything I said was twisted into excuse-making. I was tried and hung before the story was even told. Like they were looking for an excuse to. This kind of bullying ambush attack happened time and again from all four of them. One time when I was holding my new baby daughter. I was a grown adult and they were still using the "disobedient" line with me. That's how far up their own arrogant, deluded asses they were. Talk about your fall girl. And even though my malignant narcissist parents had an excuse for  every bad thing they did.  

My mom would routinely hit me across the face. She said for "sassing" or "lipping off." I thought I knew what I'd said to cause it. But looking back, I can't remember anything I said. I just recall her hand up and wham! And she never actually defined what I said or how it was wrong. I know I was a very biddable, people pleasing child, especially of my narcissist parents. She has alternate endings too. Sometimes she says she never hit me. Then for her party trick, she'll tell how she only stopped hitting me because I "hit her back." *Does memory check* Nope, never happened. Pretty sure I'd have remembered hitting my mom. I may have put my hand up to shield my face, but then why did I have to shield my face if she wasn't hitting me? 

If I questioned them on their attacks of me, I was "contradicting" them. If I did anything but knuckle under, I was called disobedient. Soooo, it's disobedient for me to take care of myself? To defend myself? As opposed to letting people take advantage of me, to ride herd over me? Putting up and shutting up about unfairness and cruelty would be obedience? And why would a loving parent do and say things that are "contradictory" to the child's welfare? Of course I have to contradict you to get any justice for myself. Because you sure as hell don't have my best interests at heart. 

But I didn't know any of this. I just thought I must be some extra special kind messed up with sprinkles and whipped cream. There was no winning and so I gave up trying. But I didn't stop playing along with their sick games. Problem is, I was playing by fair, equitable rules and they were playing by their own made up, flip-flopping double standards. I fell for their gaslighting every time they said I was "just making excuses." I didn't want to dodge responsibility. I just wanted to understand what it was that I did wrong. You know, so I could learn from mistakes?? 

But no, that was never their intent. There were no mistakes to learn from, other than normal kid things. But funnily enough, they didn't care two hoots about any normal kid shit I dealt with unless they could leverage it to their advantage. Which is weird too. Why would a parent who already has the power differential, need leverage over their child. Ohhh, wait a minute, got it. Malignant narcissist parents do not want their child to know that she has ANY power or control. This way they keep her in cowering fear. That's why the gaslighting about self-care or self-defense being disobedient. 

Malignant narcissist parents (dark tetrads) have to brainwash their child with garbage about how independence is some kind of brand disloyalty. How sentient thought is wicked contradictory disrespect for parent authority. Because they have earned neither respect nor loyalty. So they have to extort it by devious methods. And the indoctrinating of a vulnerable sweet, loving child is the perfect way.

Do you know, I'm 61 and half years old and I just figured that out today?