Sucker punches dark tetrads pull on their scapegoat kids (and what it does to us)

 Hello my friends. If you've suffered with CPTSD (complex or childhood post-traumatic stress disorder), you will want to read this post. I'm going to list some of the sucker punches my dark tetrad parents pulled on me as their scapegoat child. And I'm going to describe some of the damage that causes. You need to know that most of what I write is in "real time" awareness. As soon as I realize it, I share it. 

Dark tetrad parents lie to and about their kids. Not nice lies. They don't bend the truth to spare a child. They gaslight, invent, twist and deceive with the express purpose of confusing, upsetting, making her vulnerable and catching her off guard. They say she did bad things she didn't. They frame her. 

Dark tetrads chameleon depending on who's watching. She'll play the loving mother if grama and grampa are around. Then she flip flops to her usual neglectful self as soon as they leave. Or he'll make up a story painting himself as victim and the child as bad guy to elicit sympathy. She only brags up the child to show off  her supposed role in the success. This messes with the child' mind and makes her feel weirdly responsible for things she didn't do or accountable to mother. 

Dark tetrads hit below the belt.  They kick us when we're down and push us down when they need to feel superior. They humiliate us in front of others. They use us to get the shock value they so crave. They shock us by dropping huge bombs like "getting a divorce, thx-k-bye" and leaving us to fend. They throw pies in our face,  laugh like idiots and get mad and punish us when no one else finds it funny. 

Dark tetrad parents weaponize a child's trust. They blab confidences she shared. They mock her about insecurities like trauma sleep-walking (which they caused). She tells at the dinner table how her daughter was molested by a guy in their foster care home and then brags up her boyfriend for how "well he handled it." This makes us feel helpless, hopeless and alone. And if I'm honest, suicidal. 

Dark tetrad parents backstab. They fake agreement to con the child into letting down her guard. All the while cherishing resentments, exaggerating and inventing injuries and letting all this fester into towering narcissistic rage. But which they don't dare show lest other people will see behind the mask. So all their venom comes out in the sabre in the back. 

Dark tetrads use people. They drip poison into people's ears. They invent hostilities. They tell network lies, telling each person in the circle something nasty about someone else, round and round. They form posses. They machinate, manipulate, exploit and triangulate, pit people against each other and play them off one another like snooker cues. A child being too young and innocent, gets stuck in their sticky webs of intrigue. 

Dark tetrad parents gang up and ambush. Once they've completed their mission to divide and conquer, they go in for the kill. But being cowards they zero in on the weakest, smallest most vulnerable member--the child. And they do it guerilla style, completely pulling the rug out and upending the child. They cut contact with anyone who might protect her. Or they lie and say that person also has it in for her. The level of damage this does the poor kid is unspeakable. 

Dark tetrad parents use grossly inappropriate and Draconian punishment. You know how normal kids make normal kid mistakes and stupid choices? None of that is allowed the child of dark tetrad parents. The slightest hint of any wrongdoing is blown out of proportion. And the child is subjected to a firestorm of very illogical, unnatural and unsafe consequences. It comes out of nowhere. Ergo, the only thing she learns is to be afraid. Very afraid. 

Dark tetrad parents hang and bury their child. They crucify her with false accusations, blame dumping and shame shifting. They bury her under mountains of chaos and trauma. They suffocate her with lies. They cripple her with neglect and abuse. They treat her like a mushroom feeding her shit and keeping her in the dark. 

Dark tetrad parents never admit to, feel remorse or apologize for anything.  After sating their rage on the child, and have her crying, cowering, wetting her pants in fear, they say, very calmly "we won't speak of this again." As if they are doing her a favor. What they really mean is "you won't say anything to anyone about what we just did here." And she doesn't', for the rest of her life. Or until such time as the gas clears and she realizes what happened. 

I know I said I'd share what this does to us. But I'm still excavating all that. One thing I know is that it made me blind, barmy and baffled. I don't even know what I don't know. And what I do know, I've been conditioned not to believe. It. Is. Exhausting. 

Dark tetrad parents' gaslighting lies about kids that are actually true of them (and which contradict God)

Hey my friends. Today I'm looking at gaslighting lies that dark tetrad parents say to and about their kids, that are actually true of them. And how this arrogant, deceitful, malicious shaming is completely contrary to God, the Bible and common parenting sense. These are things my parents said to me which at the time I believed. The power of gaslighting is real. But now I see that all their character assassination of me was really them telling on themselves. As my MIL said, when you point one finger at someone remember, four more are pointing back at you. 

You're showing off. According to my dad, I was just one big drama queen. Said the guy who left us in Alaska so he could convert the Manson girls (!) One time that stands out was when he called me a showoff for singing. All while pouting that he wasn't asked to play his violin in whatever church he happened to grace with his presence that Sunday. 

You're too sensitive. You can't take criticism. When I was being routinely as in on a daily basis verbally abused, attacked, belittled, mocked, humiliated publicly at family gatherings. When it was my dad who had a royal raging helluva hissy fit because I corrected the way he spelled algebra. 

You're too critical. They routinely neglected my care. They forced me to do all the childcare at 10 in my mom's foster care. So she and her boyfriend could play house in the basement. I was doing all my dad's and his wife's  housework and childcare. I was co-sleeping with their babies at 12. Then the work of running their adult foster care home at 14. I  never complained but when family members would call them out, they'd turn and blame me for telling on them. I never once did. 

You're exaggerating. About the abuse, neglect, abandonment (they literally left me with strangers in Alaska for weeks at a time when I was 6), endangerment (I was left to wander alone blocks from home at 4), exploitation, humiliation, parentification, scapegoating, lies and gaslighting, apparently. Though I'd never said anything. It took me till 59 to realize what had happened. It was their guilty consciences but dark tetrads never admit anything so they had to blame me. 

You're over dramatizing. . Said four of the  most theatrical showoffs you could imagine. If I was casting them in a play it would have to be a melodrama. Cue Little Nell and Snidely Whiplash. Which is also funny because as I said, I never even admitted that all this was happening. I made  excuses for every weird, dangerous, hurtful thing they did. 

You're fishing for compliments. When I asked if one of the many tasks I'd done was acceptable. And I only did that because there were horrific consequences for "failure." And they always came out of the blue like a knife in the back. Stepmommy and stepdaddy were VERY angry people and I was their victim of choice. 

You're looking for attention. Well if you gave me just a bit of the attention real parents give their kids, I wouldn't have to now would I? But your M.O. is to ignore, exclude and put me in a corner until you want something of me. 

You are selfish. Now that one's just laughable. Everything I ever had was sold to fund some pipe dream of their new partners and family. Literally my college fund was stolen to buy a motorcycle. And my child support was used to enable my mom's sorry new husband to sleep all day while I was evicted from their house at 16. 

You're sinful. Yep sure am. And so is every other person on in history. Your point? You're just saying that to make me feel even more like shit. And to draw attention away from your own despicable behavior. 

You nitpick. SAYS THE FRIGGIN CHIEF NITPICKERS! Your  wife got upset with me for failing to scrub on hands and knees, the baseboards to perfection. Or because I didn't fold a towel her way. Or because she had to actually get up with her son at night because I was gone. 

You're arrogant and proud. Don't even get me started on your many levels of arrogance, Jack, Ginny, Bill and Nancy. You really don't want to go there because I will bury you in f'rinstances. 

You're disobedient. Not as much as I should have been. And really not at all. You have bound me, Pharisitically to burdens you never carried and you made yourselves gods to me. You should thank me for saving you from damnation of your own pride. 

You're disloyal. Says who? I'm more loyal to you than you deserve. You're the ones disloyal to everyone--God, your spouses, me, your parents-- save yourselves. 

It's your duty to do these chores. My the euphemisms you use. A few household tasks, indeed. More like all the mopping, sweeping, dusting, vacuuming, childcare, dishes, bathroom cleaning, laundry,  ironing, cosleeping with your kids, kitchen cleaning, meal prep, waiting tables for your foster care--that's the work of housekeeper, nanny, parlour and scullery maid and a tweenie all rolled into one. 

We're not putting too much work on you. Well if not, why do I have spine, neck and back problems of a 60 year old at 12? And why do you make me do things you would never do yourself. And without proper tools like a simple mop or vacuum? Why am I expected to scale snowbanks to get your kids' frozen diapers off the line? 

You're lazy. Hummph, interesting. Remind me who it is that has to be up at 6 on a Saturday to clean the house and who watches TV till 3 am then sleeps till noon, never lifts a finger and expects stepdaughter to do all the work  and is still angry and demanding more? Who is is that pouts and points her finger at daughter and gets husband to force more on daughter? For free!!

You're spoiled. Oh do tell how, please I dare you. If this shitshow you've shoved me in is spoiled, I'd hate to see abused and neglected. 

You're lucky we had a good divorce. Really. As compared to what? We didn't know anyone who was divorced. I got that privilege to myself. And you never gave me an iota of help with it. Just plopped it in my lap and ran off to find new playmates. Seems to me you're the lucky one having such a patient daughter. And that the police didn't have you up for child abuse, neglect, endangerment and abandonment. 

You're just jealous. Of you and your new "friends"? No really I'm not. I can see what trainwrecks you all are. And I wish you joy of each other. Now if you said envious of having a real family and loving parents, you might be right. 

You're feeling sorry for yourself. When I get exhausted, burned out and depressed from all the burdens you put on me? No but I should be. But then, I forgot. "Depression" is your prerogative to weaponize against me and to leverage my pity. 

You owe (insert list of demands) to your stepmother, stepfather and us. Whoa, whoa.  Hold on there. Your new partners aren't my parents. If anyone owes anyone, they owe me care and love as your kid. And if you were going to bust up my family, the least you owed me was to pick caring people, not exploitative, demanding, abusive slavedrivers. I was never asked and never agreed to anything. So I owe you nothing. You on the other hand did sign a contract of care when you brought me into this world. A bargain which you've never upheld. 

It's your fault I didn't succeed. If it weren't for you, I could have been (insert fantasy du jour). You mean being a mom caused you to miss opportunities? Oh honey, don't' compound lie with lie. you never let responsibility to me stand in the way of getting what you wanted. If you failed that was entirely on you. 

You're in the way. Yeah and knowing you felt that way has crippled my self-esteem and confidence to the point where exiting this life seemed preferrable to staying. Put that it your pipe and smoke it. 

Quit interrupting the adults when we're talking. I was an adult when they said this. And you've never acted like adults only spoiled toddlers. 

You're angry all the time. (pause for laughs). I'M angry?? Pot, kettle. You lot are seething aggressive and passive-aggressive rage addicts. And if I did for once show anger, it would be righteously justified for all you put on me. You forget the scripture that warns you not to anger (frustrate, disappoint, stress) your kids. 

You're disrespectful. No you're the one who's disrespectful to me. You only scorn. And I'm too respectful of you when you don't merit it. 

You disobey God. K, let's unpack what's really being said here. If I'm doing all your work, and honoring you by obedience, even to your new spouses which by the way you're disobeying the Bible having, where's the problem here? You set yourself up as God and expect me to obey immoral commands. So who's the disobedient one here? 

Got expects you to be obedient to parents. Ye..ess, but not when 1) you make yourself a god 2) you force me to do things that contradict God 3) you put people in my life and call them parents. He also expects YOU to obey Him and your parents which you did not do. AND He further expects you to love and care for your child (which you didn't do) and not antagonize your children (which you did). 

He (she) can do whatever he (she) wants he's (she's) your father/mother. No he's/she's not. These are YOUR new partners NOT my parents. You can't even do whatever you want as my parents, let alone them. THEY  have to respect me which might help me respect them. It begins with THEM being loving and caring not just two more demanding bosses in my life. 

I have to let him (her)  do whatever he (she) wants to you, he's/she's  my husband/wife. Errr, no because 1) you don't let him/her do whatever he/she wants to you. You only play this dutiful helpless spouse charade when it comes to your partners hurting and enslaving me. You take damn good care of yourself.  And you actually cheer them on to abuse me as the scapegoat so you can avoid any responsibility. And why did you choose such horrible people to foist on me anyway? You don't like or love them. Talk about failing your parental duties. 

You're immoral. No I'm actually a pretty moral person. But it just suits  you to make me think that because it turns the spotlight from your own risky, neglectful, immoral behavior. 

You're a disappointment. That may be but yanno what? I just realized that you're a bigger disappointment to me. And I will say, to God. You drew first blood in neglecting your responsibilities to us both. And I will grow and mature. While you will and have go to your graves as failures. Unless you take your own advice and "remember that hell is still hot" (Nancy on Facebook post, SMH). 

Dark tetrad parents steal and destroy every good thing from their child

 Hello my friends. Today I'm looking at how dark tetrad (arrogant, self-centered, manipulative cruel) parents steal and destroy every good thing their child possesses. I've written about this before and I'm going to need to write about it again, many times as I remember more things they ruined for me. Here's a list of things which most children had and which were taken from me by my parents. These are in no particular order. 

Toys. Things would be given to me and then disappear never to return. Or my parents would get me something and then take it back. I think now that they only did this for show, to make it look like they were caring for me. But they weren't. I think, though I can never prove, that most of my things were sold to fund their new families. 

Childhood. I read a quote, I think it was from Patrick Teahan something to the effect that children who are forced to spend too much time in their  parents' adult world never get to be children. Oh how heartbreakingly true that is. Dark tetrad parents abandon and neglect their parental duties, make their children  responsible for them like mini adults and rob them of their right to be a kid. 

Personhood.  Dark tetrad parents quite literally pirate the child's self. They shatter any boundaries she might form. They enmesh themselves with their child in creepy ways. They feed parasitically off their child. She has no life, identity or autonomy outside the Mothership. Who then cuts her adrift so she and  floats in space like Major Tom bewildered, lost and alone. 

Privacy. Dark tetrads make it clear in every aspect of the child's life, that she is sub human and not entitled to things normal humans have. Like personal space. They take everything and then arrogantly make the child feel in the way for needing the least little thing. All my life I've been ashamed of my singing voice (which is actually somewhat  pretty) because I was singing in the bathroom and  my dad told me I was showing off. When I told my son this story he asked "what was your dad doing in the bathroom with you." Good point. 

Sexual identity or confidence. Dark tetrads are debauched and morally bankrupt. They think, say and do sexually off things. A lot of it is flat out abusive. Then they accuse their child of doing these things. WHEN SHE IS JUST A CHILD!  She believes she is dirty when she doesn't even know or want to know anything about such things yet. Dark tetrad parents implant sick and weird ideas in the child's head that haunt her for the rest of her life. Her entire experience with intimacy is poisoned by their sickness. My mother described her  adulterous affairs in detail. She paraded around naked and made sure to highlight her voluptuousness compared to my young unformed body. My dad at 35, took me (9) on dates with his 17-year-old girlfriend.  

Medical care. Dark tetrad parents insure that their child will be crippled for life by physical injury and illness that they could have easily been treated in childhood. My back, hips and  neck are permanently twisted by early onset arthritis from doing far too  much manual labor and waiting on my parents. My dad who had good insurance never took me to the doctor. When I was sick for months on end, he illegally took a mono test kit from the hospital where he worked to save himself the money. My stepmother had expensive bariatric surgery. My mother ignored illnesses and injuries until they were out of control. I lived on penicillin for several years until my grandparents finally asked why the hell Marilisa always had a sore throat. And I finally got surgery. By that time, my tonsils were rotten with infection and recovery was so severe I lost 15 pounds. None of them were the least bit concerned or helped me thru it. My friend had to tell my mother that I wasn't eating. 

Place. Dark tetrad parents don't provide adequate space or resources for the child. She exists on the fringes like a homeless person. They foist themselves on their child in unhealthy ways. They're always yelling at her for being in the way. They give her bedroom to their brother and his girlfriend so they can play house. They make her sleep in over-crowded rooms with their babies so they can have their privacy. 

A mind of our own. We are not free from our possessive control freak dark tetrad parents even in our own heads. We don't own our own feelings, thoughts, needs, ideas or dreams. They do. They arrogantly tell us what we think even when it's nothing like that. They malign our character and assassinate our intentions. They accuse us of having sinful and wicked motives. According to them, we're always showing off, bragging or "fishing for compliments." They insult and belittle our achievements. They make themselves the center of attention to steal any limelight we might be in. They invade and colonize our brains with disturbing, painful, twisted lies. We believe them because they've groomed us from infancy to do so. And they are so loudly convincing. 

The world sees us as just normal kids because no one looks in on our living situation. They don't realize that the house we are staying in isn't ours. It's our workplace not our home. And because our parents are good at hiding the bruises they inflict. So people just expect that we can function like those who have resources and tools. We spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out how the hell we're supposed to do that. And we actually do a pretty good job given all we lack. But we never feel good about it because that was robbed from us too. 

Weird cringy things narcissists will do to get to steal attention

 HI friends. Today in my healing journey I'm relooking at some odd ways my dark tetrad parents acted and seeing it for the attention-seeking performance it was. Here are weird cringy things narcissists will do to steal center stage from the person in the limelight and put it on themselves. Brownie points added for them if they can do it in such a way as to humiliate the person they are drawing attention from or make them look like the the bad guy. I'll admit upfront, some of these are going to make me sound insensitive. But if you've lived with a chronic attention seeker, I think you'll agree. And I'm not saying we should call them out or shame them. Maybe just not get too worked up over what may very well be a fake ploy for pity. 

Tripping. I just saw this happen at a play I attended recently. A bit part character (who normally has a leading role) "fell" during the curtain call as the stars were taking bows. Now she might have accidentally fallen. Problem, I've seen her do it before. Or course all eyes are on her now and everyone is worrying if she's okay rather than applauding the curtain call. It's very disconcerting. The audience almost feels guilty for going "on with the show." 

Falling. Like tripping this is a sure way to get others to take notice. And don't get me wrong. I'm not saying everyone who trips in public is doing it for attention. I fell in the street when visiting my grandkids. My knees were bleeding but I wouldn't let us be derailed from our plans because I was embarrassed. And I didn't want to worry anyone. The way you know someone is probably milking it is when they want to worry others. They exaggerate, lying prone and still. They hold up traffic as they "catch their breath" (most likely hoping to leverage as much fuss as possible. They feign inability to get up, they sob dramatically, and more than a little bump would warrant. Six people have to come help them. I don't care if I have to crawl, I'll be damned if I'm going to make a scene like that. 

Overdramatizing injury. On the night of my wedding rehearsal dinner, my mother (after joing us for the free dinner) "fell" at home. Evidently her foot slipped off a chair she was resting it on and she bumped herself as she steadied herself. We got a call from ER saying she was hurt and rushed over (leaving our guests). She insisted on a battery of tests despite not even having a bruise. As you might guess that ended the celebration. 

Faking "convenient" illness. My mother will come to all celebrations where there is free food provided by me. Once dinner is done and it's cleanup time, she'll suddenly "feel ill" and have to leave. She's not so sick that she doesn't have time to raid the buffet to take heaping plates of leftovers. She does this every time. Or she'll "feel sick" but not call or call at the last minute to say she's not coming. At our grandson's gender reveal, she didn't call at all and we were all worried. We delayed the 1pm party as I kept trying frantically to get in contact. She finally called me at 10:30 pm to tell me she was sick. She hinted that our son should take her out to eat (and pay) because she had miss the party. 

Lie about being in need. My mother once told the family at a dinner I was not present for that "sometimes we (as in her new family) don't get enough to eat." The family called me in a panic to see why I was letting mother and her family (of which I've been excluded from) starve. Shame on Mary for not supporting grown ass adults. Said family never batted an eyelash when I was routinely neglected, abused and even kicked out of the house as a teen. 

Shouting in church. Yes I said shouting. In church. My mother are of different denominations. She doesn't approve that I converted to Catholicism. Bear in mind she doesn't go to church because of her "health" or more usually because she's mad at someone or has outstayed her welcome. (She once expected a church she'd just started to employ her as Sunday School director. She was not even a member and had no credentials or experience. Anyway, to prove a point, when she visits our church. she'll yell "AMEN!" and wave her arms. And it's not just Catholics. Our extended family are non-yelling Christian Reformed and she did this at her brother's funeral. She pretends it's religious zeal. It's not. It's just garden variety showing off for attention. Even our dearly departed must share the limelight with mother. 

Wandering out it traffic. Or just wandering off. She will say it's because she gets confused. But she also watches to see who's watching when she does it. And she plans to do it. She warns you that you'll be expected to pull her back if she randomly decides to cross the street in oncoming traffic. I watched her look both ways and purposely walk out into traffic.  I didn't stop her and she saw I wasn't going to and she stopped. Problem solved. She is not invited on walks anymore. 

Dressing inappropriately. When she was young, mom would wear super short dresses and go-go boots to conservative functions. Like my school events. So cringy. She flaunt a bikini when my friends cam over. Then as she got older she began wearing the sloppiest clothing possible. Our extended family actually put a dress code on notice of gatherings because her attire was so embarrassing. Then the coup de grace, she began wearing obvious nightgowns with little bows in public and even to dress up affairs. Like baptisms and weddings. My kids were so uncomfortable they asked me to please do something so she didn't humiliate them. People said I should just talk to her about it. But I think you get why that wouldn't work. She knew exactly what she was doing and it was guaranteed to get all eyes on her. If she couldn't be the hottest she'd be the most pathetic. For their weddings I did buy her appropriate dresses which I couldn't afford. Well, problem solved there too. Now she doesn't get invited. Sucks but I didn't ask for this. 

Pie in the face. And other humiliating pranks. My mother and her husband love mocking people until they are the butt of jokes. My mother threw a pie in my face at her work picnic where my kids and I had been invited as guest. She and hubby thought they were hilarious but no one else did. BUT she would get furious if anyone dared prank her. I never have. Mother must always be treated like a queen. Her husband started throwing snowballs and my husband fired back and one when in their precious truck. Stepdaddy dearest went ballistic with name-calling and threats. He wouldn't speak to us for months. 

These are just a few of the many things she'll do. And she's always coming up with new material so you don't get used to it and prepare. She says she likes to "shock" people because she's "never grown up and just wants to be a kid." Unfortunately it's not child-like and cute. It's malicious and hurtful. And it's only fun when she's humiliating someone else. If she just thinks you're teasing her you'll see her angry, vindictive, spiteful Medusa side but quick. 

Biblical principles don't apply to women-- especially those with CPTSD

 Hello my friends. Today I'm writing what might be my most controversial post (like your others aren't,  you're thinking?!) I'm exploring how most Biblical (and actually a lot of moral/ethical/religious) principles don't apply to women, (unless they are narcissist dark tetrads like my mother and stepmother) and especially those of us with CPTSD (complex childhood post-traumatic stress disorder). Because the Bible was not written to women and definitely not children. It was written to adult men. I'll explain and btw, if this upsets or angers you, you're free to move on. I'm not asking for permission or approval anymore, except from my Higher Power whom I call God. And I believe this comes directly from Him. 

Historically, men and women have been taught polar opposite expectations. Men were rewarded for being ruthless, arrogant, acquisitive, angry, competitive, boastful, bossy dictators. They were taught skills for which they were well paid for. Women did everything else. We were shamed into being subservient, humble, quiet, gentle. Even the hobbies of kids when I was growing up were opposite. Boys built model airplanes, played instruments and sports and enjoyed leisure while girls did chores and then played at simulated chores--childcare, cleaning and cooking. And then read beauty and pop star magazines. Even the chores were different. Girls spent hours daily cleaning the house and taking care of kids. While boys did the 30 second taking the trash out.  

So when religious ideas were being handed down, they were aimed at teaching a different path of love, joy, peace, service to others, generosity, patience, self-control and mercy. These have always been female traits. It's what we girls had been doing all along. Religion was for men. And women were excluded. Perhaps because we didn't' need to be told to be kind and humble. We already were. 

We just existed in the background as sort-of people who did all the heavy lifting. I mean look at religious orthodox Jews: the women do everything including holding down jobs while the men study Torah. It's not just them either. Men in most all religious traditions did the talking, preaching, teaching while women carried the can. Even in not particularly religious homes, moms did most of the work. Oh and if you're concerned I'm on a feminist rant, I most definitely am. But not against religion or men as a whole. Just patriarchal, chauvinist and misogynistic ones.  

For most of history women were subject to everyone: fathers, brothers, sons. When we began working outside the home, it was in subservient roles: maids, cooks, teachers, nurses, lollypop ladies. We obeyed everyone according to the dictates of the society in which we lived which was based on the religion of the time and place. We were not fully people. Just drones supposedly with no thoughts, ideas, personhood, feelings or worth. 

But news flash--we had all those aplenty. We just didn't dare express them. And our lack of self didn't exempt us from lack of demands and responsibility placed on us. We were too stupid to vote or decide anything. Yet we were expected to pretty much carry the weight of the world. It was constant chaos, confusion, gaslighting, exploitation, manipulation, abuse, neglect and scapegoating. Sound anything like life with dark tetrad parents I've described? 

And THIS is why so many traumatized children have been women. Women have been traumatized throughout history. We were subjected to unspeakable things beginning in tiny tothood. And (raising hand here) religion was used by our parents to perpetuate this horrific half-life on us. It wasn't just the Bible but all religious teaching that seemed to or actually did push us further under the waves. God, we were told, had all these expectations of us but gave us none of the tools, resources or wherewithal to actually complete these expectations. We were told to use self-control but we had NO SELF or CONTROL OVER anything, even our lives. That was for everyone else...anyone who wanted a piece. 

So here's where the problem for us women came in. When this recent paradigm shift occurred and women allowed to play in the sandbox, there was no accompanying shift in teaching specifically to women. We were supposed to just pick up and follow the rules because the de jour policy now includes us. We had to hit the  ground running with no training, keeping all the commands and expected to do all the things men had had the power to do since religions began. And we still lacked power, control and options. We had all the work with none of the perks. 

Current thinking says we're supposed to have a "relationship" with God. We were given no instruction on what that was supposed to look like save the definitions given to men. Who also had, forgive the repetition, all the tools with which to do this. Which never did and never will resemble anything like what women have been given. 

So you can't have it both ways. If women were excluded from religious practice and teaching BECAUSE  they were women then the rules cannot apply to them. Women, be honest. How many times have you sat at church or heard a reading or homily or sermon given by men, and felt nothing but frustration and despair? When you hear some guy young enough to be your son telling you about how it's important to be generous and kind. To give of self. To put God first instead of football? FFS, who do you think you're talking to, buddy? 

With all due respect (which is a lot more respect than most arrogant preachers give women), been there done that all my life. Sacrifice is my freaking middle name. And while you're preaching who do you think is  actually doing the giving of which you speak? Women. We're making your supper, educating the children, washing your clothes, changing diapers, seeing to it there's enough toilet paper. So that you can sit on your ass and compose your little homilies. 

So now it's a little more common for men to "help out." And "babysit" their kids.  But why do we still call it that if it's not still a problem? It's still shockingly common to hear men say "I don't do mestic." Society cheers toxic masculinity. And don't even get me started on the "incel manosphere." What a dipshit load of dreck. And they wonder why they're on their third marriage and that one's rocky? Some of these "woke" dudes actually call themselves Christians. Let THAT sink in. 

So it's women who have been following Bible commands, that were written by and to men, all along. That's what we're wired to do. Give, care, carry, support, nurture. Love is patient, kind, gentle, humble, forgiving, merciful, self-sacrificing. If that's not the definition of womanhood,  motherhood, sisterhood, daughterhood, I don't know what is. 

 And these Gen 2.0 men that are for the first time in history stepping up and doing their part have been taught by the women in their lives to emulate them (and God) and be humble, giving and caring. So I guess what I'm saying is, you'll pardon me if I'm a little confused, as to why we're having these conversations. And why I don't find religion particularly helpful. And actually find it frustrating.  I get it! Now tell me something that does help. 

And having said that, I will. I think the one religion in it's true form, that does address women where they are is Christianity. In the person of Jesus. I'll blog more on that tomorrow. 

Perversely counterintuitive but helpful ways to heal CPTSD

Hi there friends. I've been writing a lot about how basic common sense rules don't apply to kids of narcissistic dark tetrad parents. Because we didn't get basic or common sense care or love from our parents. We got manipulated, exploited, abused, neglected, abandoned, endangered, scapegoated, gaslit, shamed, invalidated, enmeshed, parentified, triangulated and terrorized. All contrary to good parenting. We lived the inverse ratio, lacking positive and receiving negative. And so, because everything was flip-flopped for us, we need to flip our expectations of ourselves.  Here are some perversely counterintuitive things that seem wrong but are actually helpful to but healing CPTSD.  

Don't just do something, sit there. All my life, I've been scolded if I do and scolded if I don't. I had to be up at the crack of dawn "helping" my dad do all the family housework while his wife slept the morning away. Never mind that I was kept up at night by trauma nightmares, locked in a room with his children and in a lot of pain from all the heavy work. And still it wasn't enough. I was "selfish, in the way, disobedient, lazy, too sensitive" and always the problem. Now I feel ashamed for laying around or being unproductive. I shame-dream that I'm causing everyone so much trouble just by sleeping.  So I'm trying something new and doing what feels good. I lay in bed enjoying the comfortable bed I  now have. Possibly, what feels good is also what's right. It's probably better than doing what feels bad. 

Turn the picture wrong side up to see it right. My grama hung a picture on the wall sideways because she liked it better that way. And that's what we need to do. Turn it seemingly upside down to get it right. Our parents hung the picture wrong but gaslit us that it was correct. All we were taught was backwards and opposite of what was healthy. We were taught it was selfish to take care of ourselves. We were taught to harm ourselves by "helping" others. ( I use help loosely because what it was was letting them kick us around.) Our motives, words and deeds were twisted to serve their false image. So we need to up end the narrative to get it back in correct alignment. And to do that, we need to

Expose their shame.  Yep this is going to sound completely wrong. Because we who have a conscience know it's wrong to shame others. But we then ignored the  extremely debilitating shaming we've experienced. They both humiliated us for normal kid things or even things we didn't do and then also forced us to body block (lie for, cover, excuse) them from the consequences of their very shameful behavior. But now it's time to tell our side of the story. And if that shames them, then they shouldn't have done shameful things in the first place. 

Tell secrets. Keeping secrets is fine except when doing so hurts. And keeping silent about parental abuse and neglect only makes it worse. It's also not their secret to keep. Again with their devious lying, they've made us think so. Because they arrogantly think everything is about how if affects them. But it's not. It's our story to tell if we wish. And I've found telling it helps a bit and is certainly better than hiding in shame. Just make sure to tell trusted, safe people who won't weaponize it or shame you further. And if they do...

Do something uncomfortably different. If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten. And with dark tetrad parents that's nothing but shit and shoved in it. So instead of fawning, freezing, fleeing, fixing, all the crap trauma response you were taught to use, stand up and fight back. Yeah, fighting is a coping response too. But I don't mean defensive lash back. I mean calm, confident balls-out, no surrender hell-no-we-won't go strike. And if need be...

Fight fire with fire. This is one instance where you have to. When dark tetrads attack, ambush and sucker punch, don't back down or grovel. This only feeds their arrogance. Don your Kevlar, put the flame thrower on idle and show them you're ready. I know this flies in the face of everything I stand for. BUT this is a different sort of fight. This is personal. And no amount of rising above will stop them. So you need to stop them in their tracks. 

Attack first. All our lives we've played fair while the dark tetrads played foul. They gaslit us into thinking we had to follow rules they didn't have to. Dark tetrad parents play a bunch of minds games, they love me, they love me not. Who are you getting today, nice or nasty mommy, angry or happy daddy? Their entire base of operations is covert attack. So, don't wait for them to decide. Catch them off guard and be the aggressor for once. Because once is probably all it will take.  And then walk, don't run, away. And close the door. If nothing else, you'll let them know you're done rolling over. 

Yes I know, you're asking, could you give us some examples? Because these all sounds like terrible ideas. Well, I did say they were counterintuitive. But desperate times call for desperate measures. And so without further aphorism ado (LOL) yes, I will. 

Throughout my entire life with my mother's lazy, no-good husband, he has randomly and savagely ambushed me when the mood struck. I would then cry and beg his forgiveness for whatever trumped up nonsense he attacked me with. Somehow in my shell-shocked mind, I believed that I had done something to provoke it. My mother stood by quietly approving him and wagging her finger at me. And would then sanctimoniously "allow" me back in after a period of penance and mortification. I've since learned he was usually either angry with her or mad because well let's just say he had some perversions involving young girls which I set off. Gross. 

Anyway, what I will do next time I see them, if I ever do, is to tell them both off. I will not give them a chance to start anything or even speak. They've said too much already. I will have my say and then exit. I will not accept any apologies or explanations. They will all be blame-shifting, backpeddling, gaslighting lies. And the time for apologies came and went decades ago. Apologies that come only after someone has confronted you with a truth you have been hiding all your life are no apology at all. True contrition comes from soul-searching and remorse which dark tetrads don't do or  have. 

I did this once when my dad's wife sucker punched me in an email. As you do. She accused me of ruining her self-ruined relationship with her son (whom I had basically raised because she was too lazy to) She said I was wrong to tell him about her using my computer to lure pedophiles (as if I could make that up). Also I was  an angry, poisonous person and the cause of all their problems (!). Even though this problem child had done all the family's work for them. Like any good narcissist, she's always the victim even when she's the perpetrator. 

Normally, I'd fawn and apologize for any trouble I'd caused. But this time I decided enough was enough. And I just enumerated exactly what was wrong with all she said. I didn't call names, insult or attack. I just spoke the truth. And you know what? She backed down and admitted that everything I said was true. She did not apologize. But I didn't care. I felt better for having been honest and not letting myself be sacrificed to her inner cabal. 

Weirdest and most devastating aftershocks of childhood abandonment and neglect by dark tetrad parents

Hi friends. As I go along this journey of healing from CPTSD (complex or childhood post traumatic stress disorder) I learn new things every day. Last night, I had a dream (nightmare) which demonstrated one of the weirdest and most devastating aftershocks of childhood abandonment, endangerment and neglect by my four dark tetrad parents. 

First of all, let me explain that I dream a lot: every night all night long, very disturbing, frightening dreams. Chaotic dreams of being responsible for many people, in dangerous, overwhelming situation. I wake up crying out, feeling like I'm strangling, I once almost suffocated myself because my face was pressed in the pillow and sleep paralysis made me unable to move. I could sleep for 12 hours and not feel rested. 

Most of my dreams involve being responsible for many children while also being expected to do all kinds of housework, chores, cooking, laundry, etc. The environment is always filthy, broken down and unsafe. These, my husband pointed out, are probably more in the nature of memories. Pretty much all the housework was put on me as a kid. I was parentified and made to care for my parents, their two new spouses and all their children. I didn't get proper medical care. I have serious back damage from doing heavy work too young. 

My parents have neglected and endangered me all my life. At times, they've randomly abandoned me. I was dumped at a summer camp and and then with strangers (in Alaska, 4000 miles from my family) at six. I was a latchkey kid at 8, before there was a word for it. I was left home alone all summer once. I have wandered alone in strange cities not knowing where my parents were. I was playing alone in a park two blocks from home at four

 Scary, abusive and sexually off people were put in my life. Some slept in my room.  I have lived in very sketchy situations including being transient with parents and sleeping on the floor or on unheated porches. I was kicked out of the house at 16 and had to fend as best I could. I know this sounds made up. I wish it was. 

That all changed when I got married. Life was consistent and good. We never had much but it was clean and safe for our children. My husband loved me and was always there for me. The children had what they needed and I took good care of them. At least I think I did. My dreams tell another story and that's what's so weird and disturbing. 

In my dreams, I'm the one neglecting my children. But I don't know how it happens. I mean that all of a sudden, a baby appears which is my own. But I haven't nursed her or held her for weeks. I don't know where she came from or who has been caring for her. It's not like she was lost. It's more like I was and only just found myself. I'm confused, anxious and very worried. This happens in other dreams with various children of different ages. 

I'm not caring for them because I don't know where they are. Then there are the dreams of having large groups of kids I'm trying to care for. Terrifying things  happen to them. They get abducted, lost, badly injured, fall off cliffs or drown. I'm working so hard to protect them and they still get hurt.  Sometimes it's one of my grandchildren or children. Sometimes kids I don't know. My husband says I'm always waking up looking for the children. 

I wake up completely bewildered. It takes me about 10 minutes to come into reality. But in the back of my mind, the fears lurk.  Did it happen? Is there a baby needing me? Have I abandoned my children? If so WHERE ARE THEY?? And the dreams, while not completely repetitive are always similar. They don't go away and become part of my memory bank. I have often said I have more nightmare memories than actual memories. 

So I think part of it stems from the loss of two stillborn daughters. I will always grieve them. But I think it might be little me that I'm grieving too. I think my mind can't wrap itself around how my parents could so endanger, abandon and neglect me. And then with equally callous disregard, make me be responsible to them for all they didn't do for me. How they could endanger AND exploit, neglect me and expect me to serve them. That's the definition of dark tetrad, I've learned. But I didn't know it then.

I think my child brain can't accept that they were not safe, loving, nurturing parents but threats and slavedrivers. The very people who were supposed to keep me safe not only didn't but purposely put me in harm's way. I think my inner child can't process how afraid and  helpless I felt. So I think my dreams cast me as the neglectful parent because this I can do something about. 

My inner child knows, I think, that if I was her parent, I would not have allowed these terrible things to happen to her. I would have kept her safe. I wouldn't have put her in such awful situations it the first place. And if accidents happened I'd have been there to do my damnedest to rescue her.  I would have cared. 

 And you know, I've got to say, it's pretty pathetic not only that I had to endure such frightening things alone but also that I have to relive them each night as the perpetrator. The ones who should be nightmaring all night are my parents. But such is the paradoxical dilemma of childhood trauma. Literally the definition of shit and shoved in it.