Boundary setting is risky for children of abusive narcissistic parents

Hello my friends. Today I'm taking a "part two" look at why advice to set boundaries doesn't work with narcissists. I'm exploring how it's actually risky, especially for children of abusive narcissistic parents. And maybe even everyone. I'll explore how boundary setting is a flawed, contradiction in terms. 

Boundary setting advice is trite and pointless

So you're in therapy and you tell some outrageous behavior your parent did. And what's the first thing she pops out with? "You need to set boundaries." (often said in a smarmy "duh" way). They often say this in such a way that assumes you are failing to set boundaries. So victim shaming. And they also say it like you know how to do it, you're just choosing not to. But they don't even know what boundaries look like with normal people, let alone with narcissists or (heaven help us) narcissistic parents. 

What does boundary setting mean?

They can't tell you, these advice-givers. Because the definitions are vague at best. I kind of broke AI when I asked her to explain how to set boundaries with narcissistic parents. She kept looping back to base. She was not programmed to give details, just repeat cliches. And that's because real-life folks can't either. 

Boundary setting is placeholder advice

It's what people say when they don't know what else to say but want to dispense advice. It's a mild form of toxic positivity. And also gaslighting because it denies the reality of boundary setting as complicated, situational, user-defined, fluid and very often downright impossible or counterintuitive. 

Who sets and who observes the boundaries?

Here's where it gets really Star Trekkie. The idea is that you define for yourself what you will and won't put up with. Then you determine what you will do if you are forced to. Then you communicate it. You don't broadcast it. You just tell the affected parties. You don't tell others what to do only what you will do if they violate your boundaries. Which assumes they will because why else would you be telling them? In which case, plan on having to vigilantly patrol them solo. (exhausted yet, I am!)

Boundary setting is pointless

People who respect you don't need boundaries set around them and people who don't won't respect your boundaries any more than they respect you. For those who do, no explanation is needed, for those who need it, no explanation will do. Setting boundaries around invaders is an exercise in futility and an exhausting, frustrating waste of your bandwidth. 

Note: "You don't build fences unless someone else is trespassing."

Do we really need to have this conversation?

So just as boundary setting defines explanation, it only works in theory. Narcissist DON'T respect you which is why you need to build fences to protect yourself in the first place. And furthermore, the stuff you're erecting boundaries around is just common sense stuff that should be observed in the first place. Do you really need to tell someone that you don't like it when they scream at you, that you won't tolerate it and if they do, you'll have to walk away? 

Is boundary setting just issuing ultimatums? 

Yeah, kind of. You wouldn't need to "set boundaries" if your space wasn't being invaded. You only build fences where someone trespasses. And so it's a bit ridiculous to say that you aren't trying to control someone else's behavior. The entire point of the exercise is to navigate around people and situations that are threatening us. I'm not saying it's wrong to, but let's be honest about why we are. Usually, a selfish, demanding narcissistic person is trampling our rights and we're trying to get them to stop. But then that leads to other problems for us. 

Boundary setting puts all the work on you 

So the narcissist treats you badly. He calls you at all hours and disturbs your sleep. But you can't make him stop. You can only control you. So you put up walls (boundaries) to protect yourself. You say "I won't answer calls after 9 pm. Which he ignore and keeps calling. So you keep amending your behavior in hopes of forcing a change in his. You build taller walls. You turn the phone off. But then you miss calls you need to get.  And he still keeps trampling. And then finally you get tired and give in. You take his calls. And he gets what he wants and his behavior never changes. Because there's a secret flaw with boundaries that no one tells you. 

Communicating boundaries spikes their guns

Setting terms of engagement with a narcissist is like a kitten making a peace treaty with a polar bear. You saying  what you want or don't want just feeds them ammunition to hurt you with. Narcissists see transparency as weakness and boundaries as challenges. The thing you say you don't like is the thing they will go out of their way to do. Don't show your hand. It's not safe. Keep your boundaries if you set them, in your head. Don't warn them. Just do whatever it is you've pre-determined to do with no explanation. Don't JADE (justify, answer back, defend or explain). 

Boundary setting hurts you more than them

Again, not saying we don't need to set them but let's be realistic about how boundaries impact us. We spend all our energy trying to outmaneuver the arrogant boundary crosser. We do all kinds of things to "stay safe" and avoid him. We change things about ourselves that we shouldn't. We give up things we want and need. We leave the house to work at the library which totally disrupts our day. We walk with the kids in the rain to the playground because he's making home a living hell. And our car is down and he won't pay to have it fixed. And we don't get it repaired because we don't want him to punish us through our children. Well sounds to me like what we were already doing for the narcissist and what caused us to have to set the damn boundaries in the first place! It's like the parent who grounds the child and then realizes she just effectively grounded herself. 

And these are only the pitfalls of setting boundaries as an adult. Children have to inkling of how to set them around enmeshed narcissistic parent behavior. Or that they even should or could. We are programmed to only to serve their purposes. We function as possessions. It would never cross out minds to question their boundary crossing, no matter how egregious. Our boundaries would as useful as a paper hat in a nuclear war. 

Why setting boundaries is bad advice to give narcissistic abuse survivors

Hello my friends. Today I was listening to my girl, Dr. Ramani and she addressed the very thing I'd just been wrestling with in my quest to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse: why setting boundaries is bad advice to give narcissistic abuse survivors. 

Boundary setting only works with respectful people

You don't have to tell respectful people to respect your space. So advice to set boundaries only works with people who don't need boundaries set with them.  Boundaries with narcissists are about as useful as a parasol in a hurricane. And definitely pointless against narcissistic parent abuse. Narcissistic parents crash boundaries all the time by enmeshing, invading privacy, demanding things they don't deserve, butting in where they don't belong, taking what's not theirs, not observing limits, usurping power, taking advantage, taking without giving, breaking promises, etc. 

Boundary setting with narcissists is a logical fallacy 

Telling someone to just set boundaries with a narcissist is a contradiction in terms. Narcissistic abuse is often the reason the victim needs to set them in the first place. And boundaries aren't things you can tell someone else to respect, certainly not someone who has been consistently ignoring your basic rights to start with. They are borders you place around yourself. But you are the one who has to protect them. And if the person you're setting them with won't observe them, it would be like building a fence of marshmallows around an angry bull. 

Narcissists hold others in contempt

So they also hold your boundaries in contempt as well as your needs, wants, feelings, ideas and self. They are haughty, vain and hypocritical. You can see it in their sneering faces and hear it dripping form their snide, scoffing belittlement. There are two sets of rules for you and them. Narcissistic parents do the very things they punish you for. They invalidate you and mock your principles. They tear you down. So if you set boundaries, they would just dismiss you and laugh in your face. They would take your pretty parasol, smash it and throw the pieces at you. 

Narcissists dictate terms or think they do

Especially narcissistic parents who believe everything their child does must pass the parent's rigorous judgment. The child must endure the parent's scathing criticism and vicious remarks which the parent himself would wither under. But the parent doesn't hold his own actions to account. And woe be to anyone who take HIM to task. So a narcissist will only respect boundaries he deems worthy and since he doesn't deem anyone but himself worthy, he tramples down everyone else. 

Narcissists are crybullies

While insensitively disrespecting everyone else and riding herd over their turf, he is oversensitive around his own fragile ego. He is a crybully who treats people abominably then DARVOs (deny, attack, reverse victim offender) and makes himself out to be the poor, put upon victim. He targets the person he is bullying as bullying him. His narcissistic abuse is a endless vicious loop with someone else always at fault and him the injured party. It is exhausting simply to be in the same house with him, let alone trying to protect yourself. 

Narcissists take boundaries as an insult

Narcissists think they control others. They demand a say in stuff that isn't their business. And enmeshed narcissistic parents take this nuclear. Because they view children as goods and chattel. They don't parent, they possess. The child must do and be whatever the parents says he must do or be with not thought of his own. So if the child, even in adulthood, says no to a narcissistic parent, the parent becomes enraged that his "property" has denied him his "rights." Narcissists tolerate limits being set about as well as they'd accept the car suddenly refusing to transport them. 

Narcissists see your boundaries as a challenge

As well as being arrogant and entitled, narcissists are belligerent, antagonistic and disagreeable trouble-makers. They start problems where none exist. So not only are they unreasonably offended by other people's boundaries, they see them as hurdles to be overcome, fences to be jumped as it were. Whatever you put sanctions on will suddenly become the thing they must have. The thing you ask them not to do will be the very thing they do. Much better advice is give them no feedback to exploit. 

Narcissists exploit your vulnerabilities

They pick at your raw spots until they bleed. They ping exposed nerves. They mock and jibe and say outrageously insulting and contemptuous things. They heckle you about things you are sensitive about. Then gaslight you that you are too sensitive. And it's actually not just things you personally would be sensitive about. Things that would bother anyone and CERTAINLY the narcissist if he was treated this way. They like to rile people and see them unsettled, especially their children. They provoke and provoke until you crack and then shame you for cracking. 

Boundary setting is a contradiction

So the theory behind boundary setting is that you create this invisible wall to protect yourself. You say what you will and won't tolerate and then you enforce boundaries by doing whatever it is you said you will or won't do if the untolerated behavior occurs. Which is all kind of nebulous to start with. And certainly isn't simple and cut and dried. Because you can't tell them what to do, only what you will do if they do it. But the whole reason for setting boundaries is kind to control other people.  Just the term "tolerate" implies intolerable action on someone else's part. But what you end up doing is, still, amending your own behavior to suit them. He goes on a rampage, you leave the house. He still calls the shots. And often you can't even do the thing you need to do to police these mythical boundaries. He's working on your car so you CAN'T leave. You have kids relying on you. What are you supposed to do? Walk everyone to the library in the pouring rain to avoid his rage, just so you can say you enforced your boundaries? (Been there, done that.) 

"You don't build fences unless someone else is trespassing."

Explaining your boundaries will ensure they're violated

You tell the narcissist what your boundaries are and you can be sure he'll sabotage it. You just played right into his hand and fed him the information. And you made more work for yourself. You've put the time into laying out a plan and communicating it and now, after he's made damn sure you can't follow through, will scold you for not keeping your promise. With a narcissist, it's best NOT to show your hand. Just do whatever it is you need to. 

Boundary setting with narcissists is counterproductive

Again, you aren't telling the person you set boundaries with, what to do. You're saying what you'll will do. Which as I explained above is often impossible. But let's take a simpler example: "I don't answer the phone after 8 pm." You're not telling them not to call, you're just sort of hinting that you won't answer. I say hinting because the reason you set the boundary was probably because they called too late. And instead of saying "quit calling" because God forbid we tell someone to knock it off, we have to find a way to sugarcoat it. Because remember, it's all about how you handle it,  never what they do (said sarcastically, that's another piece of tommyrot advice). But it won't matter how backhandedly you say it, they won't respect it anyway.  They will do exactly what you've wishy-washily hinted they not do just to make you break your own boundary. They will keep on calling till you answer the damn phone. 

Boundary setting advice is victim shaming

And bloody patronizing advice at that. It suggests that none of the abuse and violations would occur if victim would just "stand up for herself" or "grow a pair." Which just contradicts the advice because you can't control what someone does. No matter how tall you stand. You cannot make someone stop hurting you. You can only hit them harder or stay out of their way. Setting boundaries they won't respect is just more nonsense homework for the victim and does nothing to address the aggressor. 

Better advice to narcissistic abuse victims

• Say nothing. 
• Don't give yourself away. 
• Stay cool. 
• Grey rock (this is only a temporary fix for bad situations. It won't make them stop and you can't stay a rock forever). 
• Don't share vulnerabilities. 
• Don't ask them to do or not to do something if it's important to you. They'll just do the opposite. 
• Don't tell them how you feel. They don't care and they've proved it. Healthy people don't need to be told something obviously hurtful is hurtful. 
• Find an outlet or hobby to help vent the frustration. 

Narcissism behind momfluencer and Duggar parents

 

Hello my friends. Today I'm working to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse by sharing what it's like to live with arrogant, entitled, remorseless, manipulative people. I can't take you back in time, but I can give examples of narcissistic parents in the media who behave like mine did. Not actor portrayals, actual parents like some of the social  media "momfluencers" and reality TV stars Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar. It probably didn't take the "Shiny Happy People" docu for most people to see that the Duggars are very narcissistic, despite Michelle Duggar's famed modesty.  

The celebrity narcissist parent cult

I'm not saying that every parent who has a YouTube channel or vlog is arrogant. But it's kind of hard to find examples who aren't. As well as social media "momfluencers" You could almost say it's a job description for celebrity parents. It comes with the territory. Just the term social media "influencer" or reality TV star screams vanity. You have to have pretty cast iron self-esteem to believe people should listen to or watch you. Or that you even say things worth hearing. I'm not talking here about specific niche parenting influencers  My daughter is a lactation/postpartum consultant who specializes in nutrition for moms. I mean the ones who just riff about whatever they feel like and call it educational.

Narcissist parents exploit kids

You could say that simply putting your child online is child exploitation and you'll get no argument from me. You could say that anyone who shares their every family moment on social media is a narcissist.  Still no argument. The fact that the Duggar family has forced their kids into a reality TV show proves their arrogance to me Narcissists exploit anything and anyone that gets them what they crave: pity, attention, status, narcissistic supply. 

Narcissistic parents exploit their kids suffering

But then there's another level: the exploitative narcissistic parents who exploit their children's suffering for narcissistic supply. The Duggar family is now in it's second generation exploiting kids with Josh Duggar and Joe Duggar. They've put their families through hell that they will never live down, just like Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar put their children through hell that led them to these actions. And the older siblings (except maybe Jana Duggar) are milking the family drama to build their own celebrity status. The whole family makes sure to keep their irrelevant faces in the media. 

Narcissistic parents monetize tragedy 

I'm thinking of  social media influencer Kelly Hopton-Jones who ran her child over and then monetized it in a social media post. What highlights the narcissism isn't the accident. It wasn't the fact that she is a self-styled "momfluencer" although the irony isn't lost. And a valid question has been asked whether she wasn't paying attention because she was posting at the time of the accident. The self-centeredness is shown by the fact that she leveraged of it for attention, pity and funds. The post she wrote was all about her. And the cherry on top was another momfluencer Emilie Kiser, whose child had drowned, chiming in with what she called sympathy. But what looked very much like turning the camera back on herself. So cashing in on  a parent cashing in on her child's injury. 

The "celebrity" addiction

I'm not talking about the addiction we have to following celebrities. I mean the outrageous things people will do to become "celebrities." Including harming your children. I'm not suggesting either Kelly Hopton-Jones or Emilie Kiser did anything intentional. But I'm sure I'm not the only one who'd never heard of either of them until their kids were hurt/killed. And I'm also not saying either of them weren't sad or vulnerable at the time they made the post about it. It's the timing. And the "me, me, me" ness of the post. Quite frankly, it reads like someone who's trying to convince themselves and us they feel guilty. It reads like she is more concerned about how she is perceived than what she actually did. And the subtle yet unmistakable gaslighting. Which is exactly how a narcissist parent operates. 

The gaslighting DARVO tactic

The Duggars play this one to perfection! They DARVO (deny responsibility, accuse and attack, reverse victim and offender). It's the "liberal media's" fault their son molested children. With Hopton-Jones, the gaslighting DARVO is little harder to spot. And it may be a shock or trauma response. She keeps referring to her hitting her son as an accident/mistake. That's the gaslighty part. The fact is that neither parent was paying attention to the child or to the car warning system show and that she apparently didn't even look in the mirror, is more careless than mistake. She keeps saying how if only "things had gone differently." As if this was out of her control. She describes how she feels guilty but shouldn't. Well, that is sort of what you do. You are supposed to feel guilty. It reads more like self-defense than confession. 

Vicious cycle of narcissistic parent abuse, childhood trauma and CPTSD nightmares

Hello my friends. Today in my journey to heal childhood trauma and CPTSD from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm really struggling. I'm exhausted all the time. And I guess it's no wonder. 61years of narcissistic abuse memories live in my trauma brain and haunt my dreams at night. It occurs to me that there is a vicious cycle of narcissistic abuse, childhood trauma and CPTSD nightmares. 

Why breaking the cycle is impossible

It's all well and fine to talk about simply breaking the cycle. But that's easier said than done as I "recycle" the trauma every night. Because childhood trauma is the gift that keeps on giving stress and taking peace of mind. And that stress originated with the chaotic dysfunction of narcissistic parent abuse. Narcissistic parent embed trauma responses in their children from infancy, maybe even from the womb. It doesn't stop in sleep. Trauma nightmares keep replaying the abuse. 

Trauma dreams repeat old and create new from it

My trauma brain has even "synthesized" new abusive situations to dream about. They replicate the old abuse patterns. They also generate version 2.0 trauma from these seemingly actual experiences. Say what you want about dreams not being real, they sure as hell feel that way. So I not only have trauma memories, I have trauma dream memories. And yep, it's all in my head, and I wish it weren't. 

Ignore platitudes from blind guides

This cycle-breaking of which we hear preached by social media influencers, life coaches, even therapists, is all kind of nonsensical to childhood trauma sufferers. These blind guides obviously haven't suffered from narcissistic abuse or they'd know that such platitudinal advice doesn't work.  I'd love to break free from of the memories and dreams, but they won't let ME GO! It would be easier to stop my cat meowing than to get them out of my head. 

So I'm preaching a new way. I'm learning to befriend my dreams and see them as wise teachers. I guess I'm using the Bloom's Taxonomy HOTS (higher order thinking skills) I write about so often on my education blog. I'm working to

• recognize the narcissistic abuse as memory not just dream
• see and hear what my nightmares are trying to show me
• analyze what I can learn from my dreams
• use the nightmare content to process what was done to me
• evaluate whether what I experienced was wrong based on what my dreams show
• apply the lessons to my life now

Example of my trauma nightmares

Here's an example of how I'm doing that from a dream I had the other night. I dreamed I was trying to shovel my grandparents driveway. But I kept  having to shovel other people's drive first. And then I had to rake their leaves because they were everywhere and I couldn't get to the ice below. Then I had to shovel the entire neighborhood, including streets. I had only a child-size rake and two small battered buckets to put all the leaves and snow in. When I finally got to grandparents' house, the street was walled in and ceilinged over with snow. Yet my grandparents' house was clear. I yelled in alarm for them to go inside where it was safe from all the snow. And when I looked around I saw that it was gone. 

They were in the garage with my parents who were the ones forcing me to clear all the snow. They were also making my very elderly grandmother care for their children. I took the baby from grandma because he was too heavy for her. And they had moved a lot of junk into the garage which was making it hard for everyone to get around. My dad snapped at me "what are you doing in here! Get back to work!" When I said there was no snow, he said I needed to help gram with the children and clean the garage.  There was a lot more going on (there always is in my dreams) but that's the gist. 

What my dream teaches me

What my dream was trying to help me visualize was that narcissistic parent demands were like an endless mountain of snow to move. The fact that it disappeared shows their gaslighting lies about all tasks being my responsibility that didn't even exist. The dream shows that buried deep in my mind is the feeling of having to rescue my grandparents, siblings, etc. And that they were victims too. The broken rake shows that they didn't even give me the proper tools for the job. 

All of this did happen. As a child, I had hours of housework, cooking and childcare heaped on me. I couldn't get my homework done on time or had to stay up late to do it. I was made to mop the floor on my hands and knees. And my narcissistic parents were always angry with me, and absolutely exploited my grandparents.

Can narcissists change? Why that's the wrong question to ask

 Hello friends! Today on my path toward healing childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm responding to a video by YouTube psychologist and narcissism expert, Dr. Ramani. She's always spot-on but this particular conversation was particularly so. She addressed criticism she received for "failing to admit" that narcissists can change. Which as anyone who has lived with narcissistic abuse knows is a moot point. They don't and won't change. And even in the remote unlikelihood that they do, we're asking the wrong questions and focusing on the wrong end of things. 

Some Reasons narcissists won't and don't change 

• There is no incentive. It's working too well for them the way things are. 
• They are entrenched and comfortable. 
• Narcissism is self-fulfilling and its own reward. 
• Narcissists are remorseless. So they will not be sorry.
• Narcissists can't change because they're in too deep and it controls them. Tail wags dog. 
• They lie. (they will say they have when they haven't)
• Narcissists manipulate. (they will manipulate change)
• Narcissists are attention seeking. ("changing" will get attention)
• Narcissists seek narcissistic supply. And changing to a nicer person won't get that.
• Narcissists are arrogant. They don't think they need to change. 
• Narcissists suck up all the oxygen like a tornado. They fuel themselves. And they get to the point where they can't stop. 
  
  
  
  
  

And beyond these facts, we must factor in the cost of any change to the victim. 

What victims of narcissistic abuse should consider about any reformation

• It doesn't change the damage they've done.
• Any change will still be all about them. The fact that we're having this conversation proves it. 
• Any "change" will be conditional (so not change).
• They will still call the shots.(They will dictate how and what they change)
• There will be obligations placed on you. (reconciliation, forgiveness, keep trying, remain stuck)
• You'll still be expected to respond in scripted ways. 
• It will be performative (fake)
• It will be done for narcissistic supply because they are addicts and their whole lives have been about supply. 
• It may be leveraged by therapist or clergy to show off their "trophy client." 
• It will make things worse for you (now they're the "brave" survivor narcissist).
• They'll be praised and you'll still be shamed. (Look at all the "change"  he 's made. How can you still be angry?)
  
• It will become influencer currency. He will wear change like a badge of courage. 
• It will be fake, wolf in sheep's clothing. 
  
  
  

Things narcissists will say that prove their change is fake or agenda-based. 

You will notice in these things they say how they spin themselves as the good guy and you as the bad, as it always has been. I've included things to say or questions to ask in return. I favor asking a return question like Socrates did. 

Socratic Dialog Method

Definition: When confronted with undermining questions or accusations, answer questions with a question. Turn the microscope back on them.

• I need to tell you (whatever revelation they've had) They won't care how it makes you feel or if you even want to hear it. They just said the operative phrase: "I need to." It's about them, not you. (Well, I don't want or need to hear it).
• You need to listen to my side. ( That's all I've ever heard and that's the problem.)
• I don't care if you don't want to hear my side.  (And still you ask why I'm keeping you at arm's length?).
• You won't believe me. (You don't read my mind. You're just trying to put me on the defensive and I'm not going to allow you to. But for argument, if I didn't believe you, why is that?)
• You never take my part. (In what? In supporting your abuse of me? Hmm, no I don't.) 
• I'm ready to make peace. (Goody gumdrops for you. I'm not. I may be never be. Don't call us, we'll call you.)
• How can I make peace if you won't let me? (Why should I? How is making peace my responsibility? Explain to me how I am "preventing" you from "making peace." How do you define peace?)
• How can I prove to you that I've changed? (with actions not words)
• You said this is what you wanted. (did I? I don't recall it that way).
• You need to (fill in the blank) (Run, don't walk, away from this one. There is nothing I need to do in response to your abuse or your supposed change.)
• I've changed (yay me)  (So? Prove it. But don't expect me to wait around for you to do so.)
• You have to let me explain, listen to me, hear me out. (No I don't.)
• You owe me a chance to prove I've changed. (you lost me at  "you owe me." No I don't. I owe myself a better life.) 

It's time to focus on the victim, not the perpetrator

The narcissist has no power to dictate terms but they sure gaslight you into thinking they do. But when you start seeing the gaslighting for what it is, you realize a few things. Even if the narcissist, by some miracle, manages to not be a jerk for once. Even if they turn over a new leaf and start being their shiny new selves, and? Who cares? They'll have to find some other sucker to con. Because it won't be me. I've wasted enough of my life trying to fill their black hole selves. Now I'm living MY best new life free out of their clutches. 

• It's about me now, not them. 
• I've changed and moved out of their path of destruction.
• I owe them nothing. 

And I've started asking the correct questions. Instead of wasting time idly speculating whether they can change, here are more productive questions. 

To people who insist change is possible, ask  

• Why is it so important to prove that change is possible?
• What do you get  out of it?
• What are you trying to prove?
• Why are you shilling  for the narcissist? 
• Why do you care?
• Have you  or are you being hurt by narcissistic abuse?
• Where were you when I was being hurt by them?
• Why are you victim shaming and perpetrator supporting?
  

 Of the "reformed" narcissist I ask myself

• Why did it take them so long to "get it?" 
• What do they expect of me in return?
• How do I define the problem? 
• Why am I letting them minimize abuse into a disagreement between us?

Change roles for a clearer view

Imagine yourself as the narcissist and the narcissist as yourself, the victim. If I had been narcissistically abusing someone, and I finally woke up to that fact, I would be so ashamed. But I would also so humbled that I would not dare address them for fear of doing more harm. I would make it about them. I would ask and say

• What do you need? (space, a life away from me)
• Is there anything I can do to help you?
• You had no part in this. It was me and I'm sorry. 
• I want what's best for you. 
• I will prove I've changed and here's how. And then I would proceed to do just that. Every single hour of every day that I was lucky enough to still have them in my life. And if they left, I'd still actively change. 

But pigs will fly before the narcissist does that. He would have to stop being a narcissist to actually change—and by then, you’ll be far too busy enjoying your freedom to notice.

Healing childhood trauma by giving narcissistic rage back to its owner (or not taking it the first place)

 Hello my friends. Last night while delivering groceries I had an aha moment on healing childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse. I realized that I had been accepting narcissistic rage and all rage, really, as belonging to me. Healing comes from returning rage back to its rightful owner or, better still, not accepting it in the first place. 

Narcissistic rage vs. normal rage

Narcissistic Rage goes from noun to very active verb.

I know that sounds like bad poison vs. good, LOL. And it kind of is and isn't. No rage is healthy. It stems from unresolved trauma, a silenced voice and trapped emotions. The difference lies in two things: 

• Where the rage originates. Narcissistic rage starts with a narcissistic injury. As the term implies, it's rage felt by a person with narcissistic tendencies--arrogance, attention-seeking, jealousy, manipulation, entitlement and remorselessness--or full-blown NPD. But don't be confused by the term "injury." This is a perceived slight, insult or threat, a blow to their puffed up ego. It makes them feel vulnerable and they hate that. Usually it's a random, normal thing the narcissist personalizes and exaggerates. 
• How rage is expressed. Normal people experience insult, get annoyed, maybe chew on it a bit or confront and move on. Narcissists go H-bomb. They explode, tantrum, pout, stew and plot revenge. Whether passive-aggressive or aggressive, it's no less venomous.  Often nothing actually happened. But their pride convinces them they've been wronged. And they always blame and punish someone other than themselves. 

  "Regular rage goes inward. Narcissistic rage takes hostages."

The narcissistic DARVO game

When a narcissist feels "injured" their immediate response is control the narrative with DARVO (aka blame-shifting). DARVO means Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim Offender. And the narcissist plays it masterfully. He demands good things that aren't his (credit, respect, affirmation) and denies ownership of bad things that he IS responsible for. Like his vicious rage. That he deflects onto his victim by reversing victim-offender roles. He skews reality so that the actual victim feels responsible and takes ownership of what is his. And then, the way the narcissist's rage plays out, seems to confirm him right. Normal rage rights itself with frank discussion, apology and resolution. While narcissistic rage shatters everything it touches.  

"Narcissistic rage keeps the blame nozzle steadily pointed outward. So all the acid sprays out and away from the narcissist."

The narcissistic rage cycle

Narcissistic rage is so different from healthy anger that I think it deserves its own entity. And since the origins and expression are so different, the cycle is too. Normal anger gets processed in safe ways. That's what I meant by righting itself. Even those of us with unhealthy unresolved trauma "rage" tend to hurt ourselves more than others. Either we don't recognize it or blame ourselves for feeling angry. Because we can't express it, it toxifies and corrodes us. It's like a silent storm in a teacup with all the emotions bottled up. Narcissistic rage spews toxins on everyone else while the narcissist stays bulletproof in his asbestos suit of wounded self-righteous superiority. He gets all the perks:  adrenaline rush, narcissistic supply hit, spleens vented, calm in his assured dominance. And leaves us, the target in flames. And then they tell us to quit being so dramatic (!)

Narcissists weaponize childhood trauma

Those of us who have been targets or scapegoats of narcissists, particularly children of narcissistic parents, know this cycle. We know the part we've been cast in all too well. And the narcissist KNOWS we know it and weaponizes our childhood trauma responses against us. We continue as victims (targets, scapegoats) with new perpetrators. When the narcissist blame-shifts, we shift. When he places ownership for his anger on us, we accept  it. 

How anger changes hands

"Narcissists drop off their anger at your feet like a "hot potato", then sit back and wait for you to claim it."

I had such clear vision of this anger transference, while driving, that I actually yelled "Eureka!" You know how when someone is clearly furious and instead of just admitting it, they stand there all sullen and fuming? Then when you ask what's wrong, they blast out with something YOU did as if that explains and justifies everything. Or maybe they just immediately launch into their diatribe. What they are saying is "I'm not angry AND you are at fault." I know, it's a paradox. It goes beyond blaming to projecting it ALL onto you. What you both don't realize is that it's ALL theirs, not yours. 

The Lawn Chair Lesson

Here's an example of anger transference that happened to me in a parking lot. And it shows how ludicrous it is. I was walking out of the store. A woman was waving her arms and shouting. I didn't know who at or what about. I thought maybe she needed help so I said "I'm sorry, what did you say?' She literally screamed, no screeched "WHERE ARE THE G-D (something or other)???" As if she'd asked me a dozen times and I'd ignored her. No, scratch that. There would never be a reason for that much vitriol. 

I said, "sorry, still didn't hear you." That was my first mistake, giving airspace to anger. And she yelled "just FORGET it!" Second mistake. Should have said "okay." But the old fawn trauma response kicked in and I said "wait, what did you need?" "GARDEN CHAIRS LIKE I SAID 10 TIMES!"  I said, "oh, not sure, I don't work here." To which she snapped "BUT YOU SHOP HERE!!" As if this was some kind of gotcha. So she didn't know where stuff was but knew I did? I just said, "whatever." and walked on. She kept haranguing me. I just shrugged and said "I tried to help you but now I'm done." And left her still raging. She may still be raging for all I know. It was not about the lawn chairs. It was about dysregulated, entitled, arrogant, narcissistic rage that she wanted me to accept responsibility for because I had the childhood trauma response to make eye contact. 

Finally, the Aha

What I saw clearly in last night's epiphany was that I have always, unquestioningly, taken ownership of someone else's anger, if they told me to. I fell for their gaslighting. I picked up their hot potato when I didn't have to. I also saw that when I'm targeted by narcissistic rage spray, it's almost never has anything to do with me. I just happened to cross their path. I was convenient. Now this is pretty revolutionary for us trauma survivors. We have been conditioned to play cat's paw, grabbing that hot potato they threw us. It feels weird not to trauma respond. But hang on because I'm going to share some ways to prevent our poor little paws getting burnt.  

Redirecting the nozzle

So I'm learning how to do just that. Instead of taking possession, of what is clearly not my problem, I can 

• just let the potato sit there where the narcissist dropped it
• turn the nozzle back on the owner of the rage by refusing to accept it
• avoid narcissistic rage spray trajectory
• shrug my shoulders when accused
• say "You might be right. I'll have to think about it." Then forget it. 
• say "I don't care." 
• say "not my problem." 
• avoid JADE (justifying, answering/arguing, defending or explaining)
• observe, not absorb

Some of these will sound rude to normal people. The narcissist may call you rude. But remember, the narcissist also does these things himself all the time. Which may make you feel like you're just "stooping to their level." Eh, hot potato, hot pahtahta. (😉😆) And regardless, they are crucial behaviors to replace dangerous trauma responses. 

Wake-up call on childhood trauma from narcissistic parents' CSA and emotional incest

Hello my friends. Today in my quest to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm exploring a wake-up call I had regarding my parents' emotional incest and CSA. This is terribly triggering to me and may be to you as well, so I want to warn you about that upfront. 

"Touchless" or Emotional Incest 

I have talked before about my mother's "touchless" yet very inappropriate sexual interactions with me. The fact that there was no physical CSA has kept me gaslit about the fact that it was still CSA. And no wonder. Society, religion, even authorities and psychologists have denied it as actual abuse. I've experienced both kinds and of the two, I'd say the emotional CSA was the worst. So how does this emotional incest manifest, if not in touch? 

Examples of Emotional Incest and CSA

• describing things of sexual nature to child
• viewing pornography in front of child
• parent or adult mocking child's body (mocking a child is NEVER okay) 
• describing plot of "dirty movie" (in my case it was "A Clockwork Orange")
• insisting on having the "the talk" when child is too young or not ready
• talking about sexuality when child says "stop!" 
• sharing intimate details of personal sex life with child (HUGE red flag)
• behaving provocatively in front of child (making out with boyfriend)
• openly flirting, sitting on lap (my mother licked her boyfriend's ear in front of me)
• forcing child to witness violent confrontation with cheated-on spouse 
• telling dirty jokes
• dressing inappropriately (going as "hooker" for Halloween, making me help with costume)
• forcing child to see parent naked (exhibitionism, answering the door naked to be "caught.")
• violating child's body boundaries by touching or discussing without consent
• violating privacy (entering room without knocking, reading diary)
• discussing private things about child publicly (telling family that the child has pubic hair)
• using child as sex therapist (dumping, parent saying she was molested)
• exposing children to dangerous known offenders 
• leaving child alone with unvetted adults, often overtly sexually "off" people. 
• "cheating" (committing adultery) with child's knowledge
• rationalizing affairs to child (telling child she is "leading boyfriend to Jesus")
• loud intimacy at inappropriate times, when child is around
• hitting on people close to the child (friend, boyfriend, grandfather, teacher)
• being lewd 
• making the child feel dirty about the parent's own perversions
• calling the child "loose" or "easy" or "dirty" 
• blaming the child for being assaulted by people the parent left the child with
• engaging in pedophilia (my 35 y/o dad "dated' a 17 y/o and took me along to normalize it)

Slippery slope of emotional CSA 

None of these behavior are "gray areas" open to interpretation. They are all deviant and predatory, period. Normal healthy parents will instantly see what's wrong with all of this. However these kinds of things have flown under the radar for so long that some have wormed their way into silently permitted acts. These are not accidental. Enmeshed malignant narcissistic parents do them intentionally all the time. They do it to get their creepy narcissistic supply hit (a drug-like euphoria gained from feeling falsely grand, important and powerful). Malignant narcissists get supply from degrading other people. 

Why children stay silent in hidden incest

The fact that enmeshed, malignant narcissist parents do it blatantly and consistently, blurs the lines of normal for a child. Often, CSA goes undetected because it relies on being reported. The parent perpetrator isn't likely to. And if the child was a victim the last thing she wanted was to tell anyone. Also victim blaming is a sadly common occurrence. So the child keeps silent and absorbs the humiliation, disgust and shame, thinking she must have done something to cause or deserve it. Dirty was done to her but she's the one who feels dirty.

My 5-alarm wake up call

I have been living with this shame for 61 years. And three days ago, I had an epiphany about one small part of the emotional incest. My mother has been telling on herself for years and I just didn't hear it till now. She has always talked about sex openly to me, including her own experiences, since I was 7 or 8.  She describes how she would tell me about things in such a way as to make it look like it was "for my own good." Such as explaining how intercourse works. So that is a job of parenting but it's difficult for parent and child in normal families. My mother seemed to enjoy it and the fact that I hated it. She said I'd cover my ears and beg her to stop AND SHE WOULD IGNORE AND FORCE ME TO LISTEN. 

Emotional incest is always the parent's fault

I'd cut my tongue out before I'd force sex talk on kids. But somehow I assumed it was okay for me to hear it (though it was uncomfortable AF) because mother said so. I'd heard her say many times, with pride, how she forced this on me. Yet I just realized what was wrong with that now. She wasn't telling me details and anecdotes to help me. If she was, she'd have respected my boundaries and stopped. She was doing it for her. To feed her narcissistic supply. Or for some sick twisted self-serving reason. I realized that the reason I've always felt so awful was that she was making me feel awful. I also woke up and realized she's always done this, in a variety of ways. She was dumping her depravity and perversion on me and I'm the one who felt her shame. 

One red flag reveals more

Getting my head straight on this, helps me get clear on other instances of emotional incest in my life. And it makes me angry that I was so misused by people who were supposed to love me. I want to wash away the filth they inbred in me. It's like cleansing the Augean Stables, but I'll keep working away at it. I'm grieving the theft of childhood innocence. I want my life back. And I realize I'll never get that. So I want to make now the best I can. 

Homework for Child Victims

Healing is a process. Please treat yourself with the kindness you deserved as a child.

• Hear the alarms: It is not your fault; it was never your fault.
• Identify the perpetrators: See the reality of who abused your trust.
• Grieve. You lost your chance to child. 
• Take a mental shower: Consciously release the shame that was projected onto you.
• Take back you. 
• Comfort little you. 
• Practice self-compassion: Be the protective, loving adult you needed back then.