Hypocritical contradictory, gaslighting double standards sociopathic narcissist parents put on kids

Hello my friends. Today in my quest to heal CPTSD from sociopathic, dark tetrad narcissist parent abuse, I'll share weird hypocritical, contradictory, gaslighting double standards narcissistic parents put on their kids. They do this with everyone but the child is the most vulnerable to it because she grows in it from infancy. These actions are not only inappropriate, but, as you will see, they are passive-aggressive, blame-shifting, isolating, grooming, enmeshing, soul-crushing and spirit-stealing. I experienced narcissistic abuse, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, manipulation, triangulation, invalidation, exploitation, enmeshment and gaslighting about it all, from four "parents": two biological and their two partners, each of whom was a package of sociopathic, covert, overt, malignant and vulnerable narcissism. 

The one thing they agreed on was that I was their scapegoat. the source of all their problems, and could be treated in the most contemptible ways imaginable. AND, as self-proclaimed Christians, all this was God's will for me. They gaslit me that whatever shit they did was approved by God. I realized as an adult that this was not because they followed Him but because they fancied that they WERE gods. And their combined cruelty left very broken children, teens and younger adults trapped in their victim's self. 

1) Sociopathic narcissist parents parentify their children. Instead of the child using a parent's resources or trying their patience as kids are supposed to, the narcissist parents are the child's energy vampires. They feed off their children's bodies, minds and spirits. They try her patience before she's even old enough to know what that is. They drain her resources as their own. If the child has the misfortune to also be an empath, they play to her tender heart, making her pity and shield them with her own self. The child takes all the bad results of their misdeeds on herself. I've always done what I call the 7 X's with them: excuse, exonerate, exempt, expunge, explain away their horrible actions and exclude them from consequences at my own expense. 

2) Sociopathic narcissist parents spin their own wrongdoing as being framed. They blame-shift. They cloak their genuine conscience pricking as self-pitying unmerited "guilt." Then they dump this on the child to make HER feel their own deserved guilt. My dad would moan and pout to me beginning at age 5, about how everyone was against him and how he felt so guilty. This would come out any time anyone questioned his outrageously neglectful behavior toward me. Or, I see now, if he was feeling wrong for his wrong behavior. Yet he never admitted to one single thing he actually did, nor did he ever confess. He just weaponized it to elicit sympathy from his daughter whom he knew was already over-sympathetic and forgiving of things she'd never gotten an apology for. But if I made any mistake, he rained down wrath like the very devil himself. He would fiddle with truth to make me feel that not only had I done the wrong thing he did but that it was my fault he felt guilty. He'd guilt-shift. My dad and mom would set me up to fall and then point scolding fingers, making sure to expose me to as much shame and ridicule as possible. They somehow managed to make it look like they were righteously angry and I was sinfully angry. But I ask myself now, what  kind of parent wants her child to fail? What kind of parent lies about her child to humiliate her and make it look like she's failing and then laughs? What kind of parent wants people to see his child as a failure and shame her? A sociopathic narcissist parent who is using their child to cover their own failings, that's who. 

3) Sociopathic narcissist parents exploit their child's vulnerability for self-serving ends or just for shits and giggles. My dad knew that I was empathetic and he took advantage of it. He knew I'd cry and beg to be told how I could help make him feel better. Funny thing was, though I threw my energy into fixing, he never got better, only  more entitled. When he remarried (a very whiny, selfish lazy narcissist) he put me in  her employ too. He wanted the perks of being married without the work. And he hated her the moment the novelty wore off and he saw she was always going to take and never give. And he had never given and wasn't about to now, so of course, that job would fall to me. My mother and her husband exploited my vulnerability because it made them laugh to see me squirm. It made them feel cool and special that they had so much power over me. 

4) Sociopathic malignant narcissist parents mask their ragingly arrogant sense of superiority with a feigned inferiority complex. My mother crafted her role as victim-martyr-princess to perfection. She would deepen her voice, sigh ostentatiously, with weary hand to forehead, over all the ways people have let her down. She manages to be aggrieved, put upon, sanctimonious and supercilious but still nobly magnanimous in forgiving our of weaknesses. But for all her "forgiveness" she makes sure to highlight the wrong to suck maximum shame from it. She makes a point of letting everyone know what failures people around her are. She draws attention to "failings" that no one else sees. She thinks this is because she is a truth teller (that's another of her roles). What she is, is a conniving, backstabbing liar. I used to fall for her La Regina act. Now I just feel like slow clapping when she gives one of her performances. 

5) Sociopathic narcissist parents think they're pulling a fast one but are patently obvious in their sham. You just have to watch for the mask slipping because it always does. If you ignore the theatrics and watch their faces, you'll see that infamous narcissistic smirk. And the RBF behind the sneer-smile. You'll hear how they permit themselves to be just a teensy bit irritated, well who wouldn't be, with all they have to endure. But and this is important, it is a smug, self-satisfied mock irritation geared to extract pity while  never actually saying how the other person let them down. That's another way you know she's a fraud. She hints at supposed sins of others. She dramatizes and uses vague, imprecise language to give the impression rather than the expression of what they did. And she seizes on obvious things, such as a person's lack of education or her daughter's puberty baby fat and twists them into shaming offenses which she then openly mocks. She got such a kick out of it when her husband would call me "blisters" in reference to my breast size at 11. 

6) Sociopathic narcissists know their audience but sometimes forget to costume correctly. This one gives me great delight to watch, NGL, when my mother forgets which scene she's playing and dons the wrong mask. She has many roles all of them archetypal: the ingenue, buffoon, pretty baby, vamp, church lady, evangelist, victim-martyr, doting mother, mean girl, estranged parent, good-time girl, whew, it's exhausting. And they are all faker than $3 bills. I don't honestly know the real Nancy and I don't think anyone does including Nancy. I didn't see it then, but now, I think it's funny when she goofs up. Like when she misread the crowd at her work picnic and threw a pie in my face and no one laughed except her whack job husband. Everyone just looked disdainfully at her. She forgot that she had styled herself the good Christian at work. Oopsie. 

7) Sociopathic narcissist parents give loaded back-handed compliments. So first thing to know is that narcissists never give genuine compliments. There is always a price tag or an expectation attached. They only give to receive narcissistic supply. Either by complimenting you so you'll compliment them. That's the least insidious. They also backhandedly dress insults as compliments. "Nice dress but it would look better on (golden child) sister." Or complaint compliments: "Must be nice to be able to afford a new car." (when they cheated you out of your college fund to buy themselves new cars and left you to buy a junker and you are only just being able to afford a new one at 55.) They also compliment to get you to give them things. "Nice house you got. When can we move in?" 

8) Sociopathic narcissist parents twist everything. Right is wrong for you. Wrong is right for them to do to you. They disguise their wants as needs. And they are one big greedy vacuum of want. And your needs (like a home, food or a bed) they gaslight, are just selfish whims. It's just "helping out of family" when you cater to and do for them what they should be doing themselves. But you're insanely selfish if you need help from them. In fact, "family" is manipulated too. They are your family with all the rights, expectations, privileges, and special exceptions they demand but you aren't their family when it comes to your most basic needs. This may sound exaggerated but  in fact, it's downplayed. It's really a lot worse than I've described. 

9) Sociopathic narcissist parents marry equally if not worse sociopathic narcissists and harness the child to them. I've written previously that I have constant pervasive nightmares (symptomatic of CPTSD) in which I'm caring for dozens of children in chaotic, dangerous places and expected to cook, clean, do laundry for everyone. These aren't just dreams, they're memories. In one of last night's dreams, my stepmother's child began crying as she was busy planning her birthday party. She just looked irritably at me and "someone's got to carry him and I have a bad back." I, on kneejerk, began to lift her child but couldn't because my own back was screaming in pain (it really was, chronic pain is another CPTSD symptom). So I led the child off to our shared room where I slept with all the babies and kids. She didn't even have to say anything. I was on it with all the guilt and shame I always felt for not anticipating quicker. The parentification in my life was horrendous and a big reason why I don't sleep well now. Constant, shifting demands and expectations that were not explained just expected of me. 

(side note) I know I'm starting to heal because in last night's dream, I "woke up" as it were and realized that I am 61 years old with adult children and grandkids of my own. And I'm still dreaming I'm my parents' live in servant-nanny. I told her I was calling my husband for a ride and leaving and if she wanted something done she could get up off her fat ass and do it herself. Then I told my dad just how he'd failed me, marrying this leech and leaving me to do all their work. The funny part is that in the dream she had hired the Mouseketeers to perform for her birthday and she and my dad expected me to pay them. She was mad that I wouldn't. I began to feel chronic guilt and then started laughing. I said to the band "you can play if you want but they won't be paying you." The sadly funny part was the troop of mouse-costumed players dejected trooping out, wah-wah-wah. Tell me this isn't CPTSD. You cannot make this up. 

10) Sociopathic narcissist parents weaponize everything against their scapegoat child to make her dance attendance on them. Both my mom's husband and my dad's wife were terrifying to live with. They were even worse to sleep around. She in a bitchy, passive-aggressive way and him in full-on raging werewolf attack mode. And both were worst in the morning. They both stayed up watching TV and disturbing my rest. My dad only saw it when he was home and it disturbed him. Yet he gave no effs about how hard it was for me, ESPECIALLY as I was always made to sleep on a youth bed in the corner of the baby's room to care for them at night while she had a suite of a room with waterbed. Anyhoo. If I accidentally woke them like when I was trying to calm their crying child, oh was there hell to pay. Stepdaddy dearest has screamed violent threats at me and attacked me. 

Stepmom Ginny was sullen and haughty. She made sure everyone knew she needed her "space" in the morning. Because she stayed up too damn late. And she had the choicest room far from her children. If anyone should have been cranky in the AM it would be me. I was literally locked in with him. But no one even asked how the baby or I slept. And I recall the sick stomach from walking on eggshells around her majesty's waspish rage. I had to fawn in this sickening way, silently bringing her coffee and tippy-toeing out of the room so as not to upset her. Fuck that. I should turned "Black Dog" on blast and put Ex-Lax in her coffee. What pisses me off most was the way my dad shackled me in her service and called it "helping mummy." Jerry Wise calls this "tethering" of a child and that is spot on  how it felt. Like I had a shock ankle bracelet that went off every time she wanted her slave-scapegoat. 

11) Sociopathic narcissist parents refuse you simple things and then pirate your entire self. You are nothing without them, they gaslight you. And the bizarre part is that this is true, but not the way they mean it. As children, we obviously rely on our parents. We need them for survival. But our sociopathic narcissist parents have no intention of loving or caring for us. They manipulate and exploit that need to leave us vulnerable and helpless. And then they  give it an extra twist to make us think that what we need is their approval, their permission to be. And to earn that we are obligated to endless amounts of back-breaking, soul-destroying service. But the truth is, and this is important to note if you are still in your narcissistic parents home: they will never give you their love, care, approval or permission to be. You will hop through their every hoop and they will move the hoops. The only way out is to stop hopping. But that can be really dangerous and I understand why you would continue.  Because...

12) Normal parents protect their children. Sociopathic narcissist parents terrorize theirs. THEY are the monster under the bed, the nightmare in the closet. They hold them hostage for ransoms no one can pay. They terrify children with their unspeakable betrayal, abandonment, cruelty and endangerment. And then gaslight her that she's "too sensitive" "showing off" or exaggerating. They crucify their children to expiate their own horrible sins and then they keep on sinning, gleefully, as if it never happened. 

13) Sociopathic narcissist parents engage in egregiously immoral behavior while proclaiming themselves morally superior and in a position to instruct others. They preach a lot of shoulds and should nots but then do those very things and no one may call them out. There really is no low that is too low for them to stoop yet they preach from a moral high ground. While finger-pointing and accusing people of the very things they are blatantly doing. When they are younger they may fool some gullible people with their double standard but as they age it becomes more apparent. Or so I believe. I fell for my parents' shite because they were all I knew of parents. And they weaponized this. 

14) Normal parents support and foster a child. Sociopathic narcissist parents betray a child at every step. They exploit her trust in them. They take advantage of her natural naivete. They pervert her innocence by planting nasty, ugly images and ideas in her head and baffling the hell out of her. They shit on and ruin everything good in the child's life. 

15) Sociopathic narcissist parents are weirdly too pure to be believed and also outlandishly risqué. My mother fancies herself a "gawdly" woman yet is seductive especially with younger men and boys who she vamps, playing their hormones for narcissistic supply. And with older men, she plays the baby doll, looking for a sugar daddy. But she's also the prim and proper church lady. Dana Carvey could have patterned this SNL caricature on my mom. She feigns innocent ignorance when asking the doctor for sex advice. At 79 years old. Why, you're asking, am I in with her at the doctor for sex advice. Because she sprung it on me and then irritably scolded me for "not wanting to hear this." Which I have been hearing all my life but no, I didn't want to. But I was afraid I'd look uncaring if I left the room. That's how they sucker you in with manufactured creepy, repulsive fake obligation and guilt. I could go on for weeks about all her gross sexual hypocrisy. But none of us has the stomach for it. 

16) Sociopathic narcissist parents flip roles to leverage as much discomfort in their kids as possible. They blame others for their own risky foolish choices. My mother is the shallow thrill seeker, giggling maniacally and rushing my kids out to go sledding when everyone is saying hold up and wait till we're all done eating. She's plays the cool grama who does fun stuff when fuddy duddy parents won't. (Mind, she has never sledded once before or after that). Then she gets them all hurt because she's too stupid to know to use the safer hill. Or maybe not? She does love herself a good factitious disorder and has no  problem endangering my children. Then when she gets an owie, she's the frail and needy victim and I overlook the kids to help in her manufactured crisis. And then I'm at fault for "letting her" take the kids sledding. I wish I'd seen that sooner and I'm sorry that I didn't tend to my kids and let her make it all about her. Then she feigns helplessness and must be helped to walk by three people at her brother's funeral while at the service she was shouting and carrying on laughing and then rushes up the buffet afterward, miraculously cured. It's so exhausting I can't keep up. 

17) Sociopathic narcissist parents lie like their native tongue but are quick to ferret out "lying" in others. They call out people they want to target as liars. They make a too big deal of essentially innocent things, pointing fingers and ooh-ooh-ahh-ahh-ing like chimps to call attention to it. They smirk and sneer gleefully that they "caught" someone in an untruth. Truth is, they set them up and twisted what the person said into something it wasn't. And narcissists HATE truth tellers, people who don't fall for their nonsense and see them for what they are. Oh will they launch smear campaigns then. My mother loves to find fault but don't you dare speak truth about her. They will use every tactic to undermine them so that you as their child, don't see how accurate the truth teller is. 

18) Sociopathic narcissists are always pratting about maturity but are the most immature people you could meet. My mother loves to call out immaturity, or what she deems immaturity in others. She really fancies this as her God-given task, to expose sinners. Funny the people she's calling out are really immature in that they are children. And ironic as she's has lived a more sinful life that anyone she's called out. I know. I was there. She'll lie about it now but be sure that it happened. 

19) Sociopathic narcissists are oddly disdainful but also angered by others' disdain. It took me a long time (six decades) and a truth teller husband pointing out just how disdainful, haughty, scornful, self-righteous and holier than thou my parents are. I'm not sure how I missed it but I do know that gaslighting of children is powerful. I remember her sneering at people, never showing compassion. Always looking for an angle to profit on their misfortune. And then she would sneer at so and so who "thinks she's above everyone." It was like a playground bully except that she is an adult and no kid I've ever known, and I've known thousands, as a child myself and a teacher, acts that bad. I never understood what she was getting at. The people she targeted where usually just normal people bumping along as best they could.

20) Sociopathic narcissist parents triangulate and pit people against each other for fun. Like gladiators.  My mother made all kinds of accusations against both sets of grandparents. Nasty icky shit. She did this to show me that they I couldn't trust them either. She tried to cut me off from all support and make me feel vulnerable and dependent on her. She said my paternal grandfather hit on her. She so incensed her boyfriend that he attacked my grandparents at their own home. My grandma would have called the police but my granddad said not to. I could cane her boyfriend for that alone. 

21) Sociopathic narcissist parents are both unappreciative and overly demanding. They don't ask for things. They create facades of FOG, fear and obligation and guilt. They set up fake narratives in which the child supposedly owes them so much. But they give the child nothing of what they actually owe her. The child pours herself into caring for them but it's never good enough. They give the child cruel stupid joke gifts and brag how they got the golden child a computer. And expect lavish presents in return. They then exchange the gifts and tell you that they were broken or insufficient.  Or they get you nothing, and yet tell you not to come empty-handed to their golden kids' birthdays or Christmas. And they make it clear if your gift wasn't expensive enough. My dad humiliated me at his son's birthday because I, a college student, brought a homemade gift. He actually scolded me. And then didn't even wish me happy birthday on mine. 

22) Sociopathic narcissist parents play one endless game of bait and switch and switch again. They move targets to confuse a child. They say and do things and the lie and say they never did. They do hurtful things and gaslight the child that it was a good thing. They twist words and use them against the child. They baffle, frustrate and exhaust the child who never knows what's coming. They play on the child's weaknesses. They zap her strength in cunning ways. The only consistency is inconsistency. And the only predictable is chaos. It's all a big ego trip. The only thing the child knows is trauma response. 

23) Sociopathic narcissist parents who claim to be Christians, mock God. They will say that what they do is fine because "Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven." Only they're not Christians and they're not sorry so can't be forgiven and that's false doctrine and Jesus never promised carte blanche forgiveness only to his followers. And all this mercy they claim for themselves they withhold from others, especially their children. They are more harsh than any god in history. They make up lies about people to smear them and to show their own "holiness" in contrast. But they are not holy, they are unholy demons. Real Christians know Jesus's voice and follow it. They try to keep his commands and don't make up bullshit excuses when they don't.  They don't weaponize and exploit forgiveness to shelter their sin. They don't hold people to burdens they won't carry. If that isn't hypocrisy I don't know what is.  Jesus had a term for people like this: white-washed sepulchers full of dead men's bones. And let us never forget. God will not be mocked. Their day of reckoning is coming. 

Healing CPTSD from sociopathic narcissist parent abuse requires one essential

 Hello my friends. A few weeks ago I promised that I would share an essential tool needed for healing CPTSD from sociopathic narcissist parent abuse. Today I'm keeping that promise. This one thing is, I believe, a gift from God. But a gift that it may take years or decades to open or understand. It may even take that long to receive the gift. But once opened and seen, so much falls into place, bringing with it a peace that passes all understanding. 

That thing is a whistle-blower, in the form of a person (or persons, more is better, lol). These are the truth tellers who articulate the abuse and neglect that sociopathic narcissists (dark tetrad) parents have been subjecting you to all along but which you didn't see. In contrast to the flying monkeys who enable the abuse, they speak out against it. They label your parents behavior correctly, as cruelty, negligence, endangerment, scapegoating, abandonment, manipulation, triangulation (pitting people against you), backstabbing, exclusion, favoritism of other siblings, rejection, invalidation, humiliation, exploitation. 

They tell the real version of your story, using the right words not the spun, hypocritical, double standard, fake version your sociopathic narcissist parents told. They put things in perspective for you. They shine true light on the gaslighting. They call out the your parents nastiness as just that. Your truth tellers use actual terms instead of the minimizing, reductionist or lying bullshitty ones your sociopathic narcissist parents used. The whistle blower enlightens you. They tell it like it is. And thank God for them. 

So narcissist parents' euphemistic "discipline" and "God's will for you" is said correctly as "abuse" and "beating" and "demonic evil." Your truth teller explains that you having to do all the housework with hours of heavy and hard labor is not the nice-sounding "chores" but slavery. It's not "helping around the house" or "what is means to be part of the family." The truth teller says, no, this is doing everyone's work for them because no one else works that hard or works at all. They point out how your stepparents and siblings sit on their asses as you do the dishes, fold the clothes and iron. They identify the illegality of you being locked in a room with the baby. 

Truth tellers explain that it's not your "duty" to wait hand and foot on you parents, their new families or anyone as if you were a minion. And it's not "family" because 1) not everyone is doing it and 2) they don't treat you like family. They treat you like unpaid staff, the live-in nanny, their housekeeper, butler, footman, chief cook and bottle washer, laundress and scullery maid. They make you earn everything including love, which you never get. They keep charging you exorbitant fees with usurious interest which you keep paying and then they move the target and you never get the things. Things that you need for survival. . 

You never realized until he explained it. You lived in a cloud of FOG, fear, obligation and guilt. Your poor brain was so damaged by their conflicting, chaotic, shifting, debilitating demands that you could not think, feel, see or hear clearly. Your sleep was always and is still disturbed by it all. You are shell-shocked with a complex PTSD that never gets any better. It gets worse. 

And then you hear or read something that cuts through the fog. Your truth teller says something that flips a switch and illuminates it all. It takes your breath away, in its simplicity, clarity and shocking revelation. You think, AHA! It makes perfect sense. Why did I not see that all along! Of course that's what they were doing. She's right! But you couldn't have heard them because the dark tetrad sociopathic narcissist parents were screaming the truth teller down. They instituted smear campaigns against him before he even said anything to you. 

BECAUSE THEY RECOGNIZED HIM AS YOUR SALVATION AND THEY HATED HIM FOR IT!! They knew she spoke the gospel words of truth. They knew God was speaking to you through him. And they knew that God's message was that they were not doers of good but of wickedness. They were leading you astray, putting a millstone around your neck and pushing you over the edge. They were leading you to frustration and despair with their sick, deceitful, selfish, disgusting arrogant, entitled self-righteous, unholy, hypocritical demands. 

They do not speak the language of God but of the father of lies. And they are afraid you will see that and then their reign of terror over you will be over. God will use the truth tellers to break your shackles that keep them enmeshed in you and you in bondage to them. This, for abused children of sociopathic narcissists, is what scripture means when it promises that those in darkness will see a great light and that a day of liberty from captivity is coming. 

I have several truth tellers in my family, my husband being the one who sees it most clearly. He's been seeing for a long time and helping me to understand. He's showed up and held space for me. He patiently kept speaking the truth against their lies, till, when I was almost 60, I began to be able to hear it. I've also received immeasurably helpful truth from Youtube podcasters (in no particular order). 

Dr. Ramani

Patrick Teahan

Dr. Les Carter

Jerry Wise

Danish Bashir 

I thank God for their assistance and guidance in steering me to healing CPTSD from sociopathic narcissist parent abuse. I've got a long ways to go but it's always easier when you can see the path and recognize the pitfalls as pitfalls. When you can listen to the right people, the healers, for directions instead of the dangerous, deceitful, gaslighting liars, who would lead you over the edge and into the abyss and laugh as you fall. 

Sociopathic narcissist parents gaslight and undermine their kids to destabilize them

 Hello my friends. Today I'm looking at ways sociopathic narcissist (dark tetrad) parents systematically destabilize and destroy their children. Yes, it's that dire. They don't just mess them around a bit. Sociopathic parents set about to undermine and sabotage every good thing for their kids: innocence, childhood, security, safety, needs, wants, goals, hopes, dreams, stability, trust, self-care, health and wellbeing, faith, family, friends, peace of mind, confidence. The sociopathic narcissist parent damages the child brain with gaslighting, deception and deceit. 

The sociopathic narcissist parent puts the child in constant chaos and stress, causing adrenaline and cortisol bursts that erode the child's resistance. The sociopathic narcissist parent dismantles the child's reality into something dark and dangerous. The sociopathic narcissist parent renders the child unable to even think clearly, to understand danger signals or know what she needs. And because children are young and vulnerable, they are clay in the hands of the sociopathic narcissist parent. It's as if the universe handed the sociopathic narcissist parent a set of torture instruments and said "have at this kid." 

And when I say that the sociopathic narcissist parent systematically trashes the child, it's no conspiracy theory. The dark tetrad sociopathic narcissist campaigns against the child. She weaponizes the child's innate trust. She strategizes and plans her attacks with miliary precision. She's playing a long game of revenge against the child for daring to be. She is jealous of the child's light and joy and transparency, contrasted to her own very dark, angry, devious nature. It's no exaggeration to say that the sociopathic narcissist parent is bent on damaging, dismantling, destabilizing and disarming the child's resources. Because the child represents all the parent can never be: honest, decent, generous and kind. 

The child creates beauty and harmony and the sociopathic narcissist parent destroys it, in overt and covert ways. What she can't steal, the sociopathic narcissist parent ruins, like a petulant child whose drawing didn't turn out so she scribbles on someone else's. The sociopathic narcissist turns happy events into awkward miserable nightmares. She does everything in her power to make sure all eyes are on her. If that means wearing a nightgown to her great grand-daughter's baptism or going dancing and drinking at a bar while pregnant. Or faking a fall to grab attention at a wedding or screeching with laughter at a funeral. Or waving her arms and yelling in church. Or throwing a pie in her adult daughter face at her work picnic. 

Other things she does clandestinely, like setting up her daughter and son to buy her junk car for $990 and then lying and saying each other said she could have their nice car for $100. Or things come up missing like her grandson's cool new shoes which suddenly her golden child is in possession of. The sociopathic narcissist steals and cashes in her daughter's college savings bonds. The 9 y/o daughter's Canadian money collection mysteriously disappears and the daughter's friend is blamed. And mom, who was broke and unemployed suddenly now has money to lavish on herself and her live-in boyfriend. I could go on and on and on...

And what does this do to the child/teen/adult of the sociopathic narcissist parent? All kinds of things, none of them good. A lot I'm still unpacking but five that leap to the mind are indoctrination, brainwashing (gaslighting), grooming, undermining and destabilization. The sociopathic narcissist parent lies, distorts and rewrites stories which she implants them in the child's mind like truth. And these fake realities become her truth. Everything nice or normal or positive is busted up and replaced with icky, dirty, nasty, gross, humiliating, disgusting crap. 

My cousin whom I thought I just met in adulthood says we used to hang out at family picnics that  my grandparents took me to. I have no memory of him or the picnics. Not one. And he says there were many. It's like the memories were erased. I know he is telling the truth because he is a loving person and these memories are happy for him. And they would have been for me too. He did say that I always looked so miserable that he and his brother thought I was a snob who didn't want to associate with them. That would not have been the case. If anything, I was a people pleaser and would have gone out of my way to be nice. 

I think what happened is that my sociopathic narcissistic mother and father and their new spouses had me so shell-shocked that I was frozen in fear. I was like that haunted WWI solder who can never go anywhere or do anything without his traumatized memories ruining it. They cloud and obliterate everything else. Memories of their hateful, hurtful shaming, mocking, attacking voices never go away. And I think there was no room in my memory for any good thing. Because as I recollect, I can't call up any really happy memories for most of my childhood. There are just some that are less bad. 

That's the destabilization. Everything is uncertain and chaotic. Everything good can be and often is taken away at a moment's notice. Alarmingly bad things happen randomly, without warning.  People are enraged at you, hurling horrible insults and terrifying threats and you have no idea why. Parents up and abandon you for shits and giggles. They leave you alone to fend when you're not even in school yet. They leave you to the mercy of scary people in scary places. And all this lives in your brain. 

I think the best I can do is to make new memories with my now people. My real family. Those that love me and want what's best for me. So my cousin, husband, kids and I have our own picnics. The trauma is still there. The Big Berthas still go off in my head and scare the shit out of me, from time to time. The Stukas still attack. But my now loved ones are patient and they sit with me and hold space till I can get to a better place. 

Shaming and Gaslighting tactics dark tetrad narcissists use on scapegoat kids

Hello my friends. I've been writing a lot about my life under the regimen of four dark tetrad sociopathic narcissistic parents. Are you wondering if maybe someone you live with is a narcissist? Well, here's a list of things they do to help you determine if you are. I got the general list from a podcast by Dr. Les Carter and I've added my own indicators and personal experiences with them. 

They question and make you question the "legitimacy of being you." Do you actually deserve to call yourself a person, an individual? They don't think you do and they make no bones about it. You exist for them. You are their shadow, their right hand man, a prop, part of their entourage. 

They future fake, making all kinds of unspecified promises they never keep. Then if you inquire about a promise they made they will sneer their smug narcissistic smirk and ask what you're talking about. They declare they never said that. Then they get this pouty, wounded, huffy and haughty (yes they manage all that in one)  expression and scold you for being so selfish ( to expect they'd actually keep their word).

They baffle you with gaslighting crap about how they couldn't possibly do what you're "demanding" and  how awful you are to even think it. Don't you realize they are "prostrate with exhaustion" (from all the work they don't do and put on you). They are sick and in pain. (they're not. It's factitious and weaponized for pity and to get out of responsibility but you feel guilty nonetheless because you are a caring person. These aren't big things. And they are things that the narcissist promised to you. Stuff like doing the dishes, cooking supper or take you to the park.  Stuff you do all the time for them, with no thanks or appreciation. But they make you feel that you just expected them to find a cure for cancer while holding the world in orbit. 

They are constantly tardy or absent but have a good excuse. Or an excuse that, the first few times, sounded plausible but starts to ring hollow on the 33rd time. Stuff like "I'm sick." (pity, pity) They fail to bring things they promised to bring, lie and say they never promised and are offended that you as "family" would expect them to. They leave early just at cleanup time, taking plates of leftovers for their golden child who was too lazy to attend but still wants dinner. 

They expect when they come over that you will throw the doors wide, roll out the red carpet and wait on them like palace flunkies. My mother has actually stood in the street yelling at the top of her lungs 'I'M HERE!! WHERE IS THE WELCOMING COMMITTEE?" (she wasn't joking. scared the shit out of my neighbor who thought she was a lunatic.) And THEN when you go to their house, LOL, they expect the same thing. My  mother always gets a tummyache when it's time to do dishes at my house, after stuffing her face on enormous spread I made myself.  She says things like "well, I'm the guest." Or "I'd offer to help but I know you wouldn't let me.( try me). And when I'm at her house, I clean her entire kitchen, mopping the floor, scrubbing down the stove (which is filthy), dusting and arranging cupboards. While she and her bunch sit and watch TV. 

They snap up offers of free things and then bail when they get all they came for. I used to do Christmas cookie baking, providing all the ingredients at no small expense to myself, often when I couldn't afford it. She comes, sits around, bends my ear with all her woes, uses me as a sex therapist (yes, gross) and takes home boxes of goodies. One year, I thought I'd make it a party with a few friends. I invited her and she gladly accepted and invited golden child along. . Day of, only one friend shows up (the other called with regrets she had to work) Radio silence from mother till I call her and she irritably says she "doesn't feel well." I was left with cupboards full of baking supplies I never got around to using. I never invited her again. 

They exclude you from things you would normally be included in, when they feel like it.  AND  let you know you weren't included. They make a point of bragging about it. So they don't just want you to know they did it, you need to know it was done without you. On purpose. So that you'll think not just they but other people were excluding you. The other people were probably lied to as well and told you didn't want to come. (triangulate) If you say you'd have liked to go, they smirk and lie and say they had no idea you'd have enjoyed it or that you'd want to be included.  

One year, I had to take my mom to the doctor on her birthday. I had to take time off work which cost me dearly. She was asked what she was doing for her birthday and she said "my family (her husband and other daughter) is taking me out to dinner." Knowing full well I had no idea about this and certainly wasn't invited. Let alone inviting my husband or her grandchildren who live right near and who have paid for her meals and done her car work pro bono. She wanted me to know they were leaving us out. Then she told me we could take her out for her birthday and give her her presents later as she had to get ready. (She always sends me a Dollar tree piece of junk for my birthday while expecting big gifts for herself. Once for Christmas she gave me a rag of a shirt from Goodwill she hadn't even washed. And told me she'd like me to buy her lingerie and a new vacuum.) 

So anyway, when she told me I could take her out, I called her bluff and said "oh are you inviting me to your party? She stuttered (it was hilarious) and said "oh, um, uh yes." So I dolled up, brought her a nice present, went out to eat with them. When the check came, she looked pointedly at me to pay but her husband refused saying it was his treat and I was a guest. She got pissed. She always expects I will because I'm generous. She's not happy unless it comes out of our pocket. I'm the peon who has to pay for the privilege of being in HRH's presence. She'll even invite other people and expect me to pay. Everyone was miserable and I knew it wasn't because of me. It was because she was mad that I came and they were embarrassed and sick of her. It was pathetic.  I smiled and charmed my way through the meal and cried myself all the way home. But I'd be damned if I let them know. The next year, I sent a happy birthday text and that was it. 

Everything they say about you is designed to make you feel uncomfortable. They make passive-aggressive, back-handed "compliments" designed to humiliate rather than make you feel good. Innocent but private details such as when you first begin to show pubic hair as a child are broadcasted at family gatherings. They announce your details about your body which you are embarrassed about. "Are you putting on weight again?" 

They insult you to your face in front of people. They make rude, personal body-shaming comments and then say you shouldn't take things so personally (?!). My mother said loudly (nothing from her is quiet or discreet) "What in the world did you do to your hair?" (in this snotty sarcastic voice). When her daughter called her out she sneered and smirked (yes, both) , knowing she'd got her dig in. If I were to call her out, she would get huffy angry and say "it was just a joke, my you're thin-skinned." This from the non-existent skinned woman who has never gotten over a single thing anyone has ever done to her. If I had asked her "why are you wearing that nightgown in public?" (yes she does that) I would have gotten a self-righteous chiding for embarrassing her.  

If you bring up something they did or said that was cruel and made you miserable (and boy is there a lot of that) that other people were there to witness, they respond with annoyed, perplexed and haughty denial. It's perfectly fine for them to do them to do the cruel, nasty thing and collect the narcissistic supply payout (it's disgusting the things that feed their supply). But you can't remind them that they did it because then you are holding a grudge. Which is ridiculous contradiction. Which is it: it didn't happen or it did and shame on you for remembering? And they never said they were sorry, so holding a grudge, as in not forgetting, is your only choice. Either that or sweep it under the rug. I've done that so much that I can't walk for all the crap under the rug. 

They ask loaded questions that undermine you. They aren't asking to get answers but to set you up. Then they do this "AHA! gotcha thing" which is supposed to make you think they caught you in some lie. They didn't catch you in anything. It's just gaslighting. But because they've changed the story and rewritten history so much, you're baffled. And too much chaotic confusions damages your brain so you can't think let alone remember clearly. Also, most of the shit they do is so painful that your brain tries to ameliorate it as best as possible. So you go into smooth over mode. And they know it. They know they've effed up  your brain. And they set about spinning yarns to reinvent what really happened. They  play their DARVO games, painting you as the bad guy and themselves the victim. My parents, all four, have twisted stories and said that I did things they actually did.  You just sort of believe them because your mind is too befuddled to think clearly.  

They do this by getting their skewed version in first before you have a chance to tell your side. And as you didn't know you'd be required to explain something, because it was completely innocent, you don't have one ready. But the narcissist has hers all cooked up and plated. She was laying for you and tells a tall tale painting you as the villain and herself, Sweet Polly Purebread. And as we know, defending your side, no matter how messed up theirs is, is much harder because theirs was the first story people heard.

And we tend to believe the first version and distrust the second as the fake. So no matter what you say in your defense, theirs is the one that sticks. That's how rumor works which is what a lot of their stories are: rumor mongering and smear campaigns.  No matter how ridiculous it is, folks somehow accept it and the victim of the smear campaign plays hell trying to reverse it. A lot of innocent people have been punished for crimes they didn't commit because someone pointed the finger of blame at them.  Narcissists know this and use it. 

Narcissists are masters at role reversal, bait and switch and jumping sides. My mother plays the victim, martyr and savior to shield the fact that she is always the perpetrator. It's the smoking gun principle. She'll fire the shot, exit stage left for a quick costume change, leaving someone else to pick up the smoking gun. Then she'll enter stage right aghast with righteous indignation and start accusing the poor dupe holding the pistol. Even if you've seen her pull the trigger, she'll have you convinced she's the innocent. If anyone accuses her, hey presto, another lightning quick change and she's the aggrieved martyr and you're the big mean bully. 

She has triangulated people right and left. She's pitted people against each other. She's sicced her rabid dog of husband on me so many times. She has made up garbage about me and egged him on to attack me. He would scream violent abuse at me, threats and spittle flying. Because all through the years, I was the schlemiel to her schlimazel. And he was her patsy and thug. He would cackle uproariously every time they set me up to play the fool. And then rage when she yanked his chain. And she could  just sit by demurely and say "I have to obey him. He's muh husband." Obey wah-hah-hah now is the time we throw our heads back and laugh. She was always the one pulling our strings. Well, as they say, why have a dog and bark yourself? 

Until one day, I guess the oaf finally got it that the dominatrix was in charge and he was just her minion. He didn't like that. And, further more, he realized that if she was backstabbing and manipulating and setting up other people, oh wait was she doing it to him too? Duh. Suddenly it wasn't so funny anymore. I would have paid money to see the look on his mug when he finally confronted her and realized that he'd been had. All those years of dogged service and she was mocking him too. 

She told me he flew into a rage and started accusing her. And she pulled out all her gaslighting tricks, lying, evasions, denying, reinventing. She told me how she just kept telling him calmly "I just don't remember. (lie) I don't know what you're talking about (lie) I would never have done that (gaslighting) I can just see her, eyes wide open, sotto voce, slowly, patiently, patronizing, denying every single thing he said. She even said, rubbing salt in the wounds, "I'll apologize if you want but I don't know what for. Oooh how that must have stung. And him frothing at the mouth because he, her loyal henchman, she'd played him too. 

I'm not his biggest paparazzi but I know one thing for sure. Every single thing he accused of  doing, she did. She called me to "verify" some of the milder ones. The ones she had misrepresented to me, and so thought I would back her up on. The bigger ones of which I'm sure infidelity, theft, child abuse, entanglements with the law,  figure larger I'd never be told about. See when you lie a lot, you have to keep track of who you told what lie to. Otherwise, your house of cards fall down. As my husband put it so well: she wasn't verifying the accuracy she was checking to see who remembered what to know what lies to tell whom. 

So she asked me about a few things, which in the grand scheme of what they did, were little, but true nevertheless. Some I'd forgotten until I heard them again. She purposely went out to a bar, dancing and drinking while pregnant with their son. She thought it would be "funny." (actually she's a highly impulsive raging attention seeking, sociopathic exhibitionist with zero empathy. She did it because she knew some guys find pregnant women hot and she wanted a piece of that. Sick but as I recall, true.) 

 She claims no recollection. Well of course she would. It doesn't quite fit the good church lady image she's plays. Even I'd forgotten till a family member they asked confirmed it. The little boy, my brother, died at 5 through their negligence. So I'm sure it's awkward to recall. She said "I'd never have done that to little BJ." Correction. You didn't want people to know you'd done that to little BJ. And if she'd known how it would end, maybe she might not have. But it didn't stop her at the time. She got what she wanted. Even a fetus takes a back seat when the narcissist decides to howl.  It's really quite heartbreaking to recall. I'm glad he never knew.  

So she got called on a few small things but she still keeps the upper hand. Because how can you argue with someone who doesn't remember? Even her "admissions" aren't genuine because she doesn't recall it. I almost feel a little sorry for her sadder-wiser-Tigger ex-husband. Guess he knows now what it felt like to be her cat's paw all these years. And the frustration of being gaslit. Well, he was never any match for her anyway. None of us can hold a candle to her level of gaming. Gaslighting is her métier. Humiliating others is her stock and trade. She was born for this, baby. But I still would have loved to watch the shitshow play out. Petty? Oh hell yes! I'm not nearly a big enough person not to take satisfaction from that.

So this ends part one. There's more so stay tuned. 

More gaslighting BS Christians put on kids of narcissistic dark tetrad parents

Hello my friends. This is another post in my series on gaslighting BS Christians (and probably folks of other religions) put on kids of narcissistic dark tetrad parents. Warning: this post is very direct and I don't mince words or apologize for it. This BS includes but is not limited to generalized Christian precepts shoved on the child with no attempt made to understand her very difficult situation, misconstrued Bible passages taken out of context, rules placed on the child that the child doesn't have the ability to follow and burdens bound to the child that no one is helping to carry. It's cruelty dressed up as godliness. A lot of it is fake made up and not even in the Bible. 

Most of  it has nothing to do with God at all. It's weaponization of the Bible and God for selfish purposes. It's systematic destruction of a child using religion. A lot of it is just plain wrong even for children not in abusive situations. For kids whose parents are traumatizing, exploiting, invalidating, manipulating, abusing, neglecting, abandoning, endangering, parentifying, scapegoating, triangulating and bullying on a regular basis, it's giving the kid carbolic acid and a cup to drink it with. 

This is not helpful or well-meaning. It's hurtful and shaming. It piggybacks on what the child's narcissistic parents are already doing. What Dr. Ramani calls it DIMMER: dismissive, invalidating, minimizing, marginalizing, manipulating, entitled and rageful. In makes an already vulnerable child into raw meat. Kids like me who were already too empathetic, too willing to let people hurt us if it made them feel good, too willing to roll over for any and all abuse that my parents and their partners and kids put on me. We were the ones who got the religious shaming because God forbid our narcissistic parents feel any qualms of guilt. We were (are) their scapegoats. 

And it's amazing to me how many people who call themselves Christians are willing to shield the narcissists and enable and perpetuate their cruelty to the child. Even when you flat out tell them what your parents did. In fairness, most of us don't, but these people have eyes and ears. They can see for themselves how we're being treated. And yet they just assume that the nasty things our nasty parents say about us is all true. Even when we don't show one iota of proof that it is. 

They just keep blathering on about what God expects of us and how no matter  how anyone is treating us, WE have to be the bigger person (when we are CHILDREN!!) We never hear about  how our immature parents need to grow up and be adults. Oh no, we just have to take care of them, make exceptions for them and play by all the rules which no one follows for us. 

I'm going to have to stop here because this is so painful to write about that I need a break. Will pick later. And on a positive note, which we are all probably more than ready for, I've found some things that have really helped. More later. 

Gaslighting nonsense Christians shame abused and traumatized kids with

Hello friends. Today's post will seem like it's going after Christians because it is. Throughout my life, I've been hurt by and kept quiet about so much religious abuse of all kinds, from sexual to emotional to physical, from the many, mostly protestant, churches I've had the misfortune to be in. Abuse that took me to dark self-harming places with no one to comfort me or talk me down from the edge. Some seemed to actually encourage me to end it because I was worthless beyond redemption. I wish I was exaggerating but I'm not. If anything, I'm downplaying because I'm not accustomed to being this open.

So I make no apology if this hurts anyone's feelings.  Today I'm calling out fake, narcissists in Christian guise, like my parents, and all the double standard, hypocritical, deceitful, devious nonsense they put on us. If you don't do this then it doesn't apply to you. But I would caution all of us who call ourselves Christians, not to dismiss this to quickly. These kinds of behaviors and people are terrifyingly common. 

These devil's in holy wear gaslight, ridicule, shame, humiliate, mock and torture in the NAME of GOD. They do it to everyone but they are most devious with traumatized kids. Kids whose parents have double dealt, twisted, manipulated, exploited, abused, neglected, scapegoated, invalidated, enmeshed, triangulated and gaslit them since birth. Kids whose parents consider themselves Christians doing the will of God in all this. Today I'm excavating the lifetime of gaslighting horse crap that I've been fed by my fellow Christians (all denominations) about God, me and how I (and only I, these rules never applied to anyone else, I was told) am supposed to act with Him. 

"Faith over Fear." If you've read my back posts, you'll know how this gaslighting BS sends me. To anyone who promulgates this nonsense, I'd ask, do you know the meaning of faith or fear? Who are we supposed to put faith in? I'll do you the credit of assuming you mean God. Well, to that I say, that if you do actually read your Bible, you'll note that we are called to fear God but also evil. We are commanded to beware the wiles of the devil. Fear God as in respect Him. And fear evil as in understand the power it has to overcome you, as you would the power of an ocean to drown you. And fear wolves in sheep's clothing as in be wary of them. Sounds like abusive, arrogant, malignant, selfish narcissists to me. 

And about faith, don't assume because you say "Lord, Lord" you'll be saved. God's words not mine. Also, it's not  your faith which saves you but Jesus. Honestly the way some people talk about their "faith" you'd think it was something they invented themselves. That good things happen because they make it happen with this thing they call faith. When in reality they use faith as as a tool to lord over people. A weapon to beat down the downtrodden. Do they actually have faith or do they  just want to sound good? Because I've seen people who thought that their faith would keep them from getting Covid, for example. They fell at the first hurdle when they got sick. 

They fully expected that God wouldn't let them get a contagious disease, when they did nothing to protect themselves and others, just because they were special? Kiddos, I pray and believe too and I got ragingly sick twice. Once post-vaccine. But then I didn't expect special dispensation. And these folks, again, didn't read their Bible or they'd know that faith isn't some magic amulet to prevent them from suffering. God sends rain on the just and the unjust. Good Godly people get sick and die. 

Now, add to that conundrum this idiotic aphorism poses, the extra difficulty a child who has been raised by dark tetrad (narcissistic, arrogant, selfish AF, malignant, cruel exploitative) parents.  Anyone who lived in the regime of dark tetrads, knows there's no fear like that which they instill in you. They WANT you afraid of them and God, by preaching to you all God supposedly expects ONLY of you. Stuff He  never said but which they gaslight and manipulate you into believing, trying and failing to achieve. They also demand that you put your faith (loyalty, devotion, trust) IN them. I'm not kidding.   Whatever they do is good and Godly and what God expects of you to accept. And as you can imagine, this gives them endless carte blanche for evil. 

They purposely do things to scare the shit out of you, like leave you behind with strangers in strange places 3k miles from home. They have you wetting your pants with  nightmares and emotional flashbacks. They make you bow down to terrifying people. They punish you if you're not fearful enough. AND they make themselves gods. You're to have "faith" in them only and their abusive crap. They do this in the  name of a god that they say you have to serve. But he wears their faces. And their version of him is hateful, spiteful, cunning, unmerciful, unloving, manipulative. This god abandons you in frightening situations. He blames you unfairly. He's nothing of the loving god of which you read about in the Bible. 

They tell you that god approves them abusing and neglecting you and is angry with you for your "disobedience" and "showing off." When you are doing all their work and raising their kids. And caring for them as if you were the parent and they were the child. So help me understand how me having faith in these evil people is not a frigging dangerous thing to do? And how this faith in them going to overcome fear??????? Like they would ever allow you to be courageous. Brave people leave abuse while terrified kids roll over for it. Tell an abused kid to have faith over fear and she'll say faith in what? That mom and dad and stepmom and stepdad god will keep on hurting me? Done. 

How can you shame me for not daring to hope in some mirage of a loving god? You say I'm supposed to click my heels together and trust in something I've never seen, in someone who has never been there for me? Oh it sounds so smugly holy to prat about blessed are they who have not seen and yet believed. I've seen the face of god my parents showed me and I believed in that, for sure. 

How can people be so cruel and so blind as to assume that I wanted any of this? Don't you know I'd give anything to have and to have had something to cling to in all the chaos?  Because dark narcissist parents are all I've ever known of love or god. And clinging to them was both not safe and also all there was for me. I am so confused. And you reiterating without listening, to just trust, only reinforces the crazy contradictions we live with as kids of dark tetrads. 

Maybe someday I'll be able to see that there was someone there in it all. I'll see the footprints that aren't mine that you say carried me. But as a child, teen, young adult, maybe even now, I never did. I have to be honest about that. It's the first time I ever have. God was nowhere to be found, except as an angry vengeful force that I was always failing. Not in a way that I could feel. I never felt carried, embraced, cherished, wanted, treasured. Theoretically maybe someone carried me but all I recall is carrying myself however clumsily through hell and high water. 

And I know all the good Christians out there will gasp and shame me for saying that. They'll say how "we" must never feel God has abandoned us. We must just know He's there, somehow, in the atmosphere. Even though  for all practical purposes, we're alone. And let me just point out two things. First, if you're so sure of this, clearly, your parents did not make themselves gods and then abandon you. Or you'd feel just like me. And if they did and you were still able to cling to some idea of a loving god, well, I'd say don't polish your halo just yet. 

Because I've thought all these years that I did believe that there was someone there. I was the best little Christian girl I could possibly be. Just ask anyone outside my family, who knew me. They'll tell you. I was known as the most incorruptible, straight-laced kid in school. The girl with the most closed legs and tightest, well, never mind. You get what I mean. And if that offends, well think of how I felt hearing it at 13. From good Christian boys who saw me as a target.  And whose mommies and daddies just turned sanctimonious blind eyes to their little perverts and kept on preaching and singing.  Yep, Christianity as Christians portray it,  has been pretty much ruined for me. 

I don't know how, but I managed to walk on that razor edge of trust in good while experiencing nothing but bad. I prayed and read my Bible sincerely. And I didn't dare admit that I felt nothing but shame and guilt from the heavens.  And it was not good for me because it just perpetuated their abuse. They thought they'd gotten away with well and truly destroying my mind. And they almost did. It was only when the rosy glasses accidentally slipped one day, and I started seeing how bass-ackwards, upside down and inside out my life was, that I could admit to my hellish reality and face it head on. 

And second thing I have to say is, if you can believe that God is there despite not seeing him, that means you've never experienced abandonment as a little child, by those who are supposed to love you. If you had, your faith, as you call it, might not be so strong. You have the luxury of trust because it's never been put to the test. I come by my fear and inability to trust, honestly. I was  indoctrinated in it like a cult. Which was pretty much what life as a child of dark tetrads is -a cult with them as the objects of worship. 

They shatter  your ability to trust and to feel loved. They curse you and make the simplest things nigh on impossible for you. They show you the face of evil and tell you it's God. I hope someday I'll be able to hear God's voice over their lies. Because for all this, I still believe that He is there. I hope someday little Marilisa will be able to hold her head up and see God smiling. Right now, she doesn't dare to because she believes all she'll see is anger and hatred. 

I don't care who you are: priest, minister, rabbit, Iman, youth group leader or just pew filler, please, stop the gaslighting. If you want to help an abused traumatized kid, for the love of God, don't dump anymore ignorant judgmental shame on them. Their little hearts are breaking and broken. They can't take any more. Acknowledge that their relationship with a loving God has been completely disintegrated by their dark tetrad parents. Tell them it is not their fault. They were used and abused by bad people. Put the blame where it belongs. Love these children. Hold space for them. And confront the evil in your midst. Don't let's let another day go by without reaching out to help. Be the voice they don't have. Don't close your eyes. Cuz if you do, plan on lots more of us ending up as statistics when the pain gets too great. 

CPTSD from Narcissistic dark tetrad parent abuse was and is so much worse than I thought

Hello my friends. Today in my journey to heal CPTSD from dark tetrad parent abuse, from four narcissists, two biological parents and their equally abusive partners, I'm trying to wrap my mind around some very sobering facts. Fact One: the abuse was and is so much worse than I thought. This is not me making up stories or digging around trying to drum up incidents I could spin as abuse. I have never needed to make stuff up. There was and is already enough abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, manipulation, triangulation, parentification, shaming, invalidation, enmeshment, scapegoating, exclusion and gaslighting to last several lifetimes. The problem was, I didn't see it for what it is, till I was in my late 50s. 

What got me started on the path to understanding was a desperate need for help with the crippling nightmares, trauma responses, suicidal anxiety, FOG (fear obligation and guilt), chronic people pleasing at my own expense, non-stop insecurity and brain damaged thinking. In a word, CPTSD. And that led me to explore on Youtube, the work of various professionals in the field of childhood trauma and CPTSD. Dr. Les Carter, Danish Bashir, Dr. Ramani, Jerry Wise and Patrick Teahan are the most helpful. 

And, oh my goodness, once I started exploring, did I find that  not only was I not exaggerating or "showing off for attention" (the narcissists' words) it was soooooo much worse than I thought. It was made even worse by the fact that all four of the people who called themselves my parents (translation authority figures, not caregivers) were raging dark tetrad narcissists. Between my biological parents and their second spouses and their kids, there was a panoply of narcissism: grandiose, covert, vulnerable, malignant, sociopathic, psychotic, sadistic, Machiavellian, religious, violent, you name it, this hodge-podge of chaos and stress they called family had it.  They were the pantheon of demigods in my universe. 

There was no cohesive, mindful parenting of me either when my mom and dad were married or after they divorced. They moved to Alaska to be self-styled missionaries and started sleeping around and calling it missioning to their bed partners. And left me on my own. Through it all they maintained a guise of Christianity. I'm not kidding. My 36  y/o dad  had a 17 y/o girlfriend. My mom jumped in and out affairs while preaching the "good news." That was weirdly baffling for a 7 y/o, let me tell you). 

They they upended my world again, getting married to very broken dangerous people. They just started off like it was a clean slate having kids, building  their new "real" families as if I wasn't' there. Wait, let me rephrase that. As if I was ONLY there to await their pleasure. I was deprived of normal things like a bed, a bedroom, a normal sleep schedule, food, clothing, etc. It was like I was a dish to be discarded, passed back and forth as one or the other needed a live-in unpaid nanny,  housekeeper or source of funds. My mother and her boyfriend cum husband lived off my child support. 

And I was expected to do very abnormal things like co-sleep with and parent foster kids and babies, do hours of heavy housework and chores no one else did. I was sex therapist and counselor to my dad and mom. I was performing monkey for my parents' new spouses. I was everyone's  general dogsbody and whipping girl including various unmarried couples whom my mom moved into my room to cohabit. 

I did not have a regular anything. Between them, I lived, or should I say couch surfed in 32 different places before age 20.  I attended 8 schools. Several within the same school year. They moved around willy-nilly for selfish reasons, giving no effs on the effect on me. I was pushed around like a hockey puck. Each one taking me on when they needed me. Having zero say and zero consistency. When I lived at my dad's and stepmom's house (operative words their house, not mine) my mom was nowhere to be found. She was off God knows where living her life oblivious to me. And vice verse with my dad. 

No one asked about safety, health, friends, schoolwork or conditions I was living in. No one tended to my medical care until things were critical. Some medical conditions they put on me, such as damaged spine and hips, from not following up on my congenital hip dysplasia and forcing me to do back-breaking housework and chores as a child. 

And boy howdy was I expected to work, work, work. I would come home from school, begin the chores and still be at it while everyone else was parked in front of the telly. And then I'd start my homework at the table because my "bedroom" was the baby's tiny room where I'd  be sent when he went to bed. So I could care for him at night. Then back up at 5:30 am. This was pattern for both of them. Have kids, make oldest kid responsible. 

I have never slept well to this day, being on call in case all the babies in my memory needed me. No one even asked how we slept. Then when I became a nuisance (as in, I now see, my mom's husband started having lustful thoughts about me) I was kicked out. Not to shelter but to shame me. My mom found an elderly lady for me to live with, not paying her and spinning it that I could be a help to her. She'd bring me a little food but nothing like enough. I have to admit, I stole some food from the panty I was so hungry. Just a swig or two of milk. She caught me and I admitted it. She asked why doesn't your mom bring you enough to eat? Good question. There should be plenty, if my mother had used my child support for my care and not to fund her new family and allow her husband to lay around jobless all day. So I was a live-in caregiver there too. I will say this. It was the first time I had my own room. And this is only the merest top snowflakes of the iceberg. 

All these horrible memories float in my memory, getting more and more toxic. The gaslighting created a continual fog of fear, obligation and guilt. Their DARVO tactics kept me in perpetual confusions. They were the perpetual victims and I was the bad girl, the failure, the one who let them down. It was my fault they kicked me out, apparently. Yet I was an honor student with a spotless track record of behavior. Though I sacrificed everything for them: self, identity, childhood, adolescence, peace of mind, confidence, self-care, security. But, BUT once I began researching, OH WHAT revelations I found. 

All that  happened to me had a name: abuse. And my parents and their partners, it appears, were not the self-righteous preachers and good  parents they said they were. They now had names too: dark tetrads, self-serving arrogant narcissists, cruel abusers, saboteurs, agents provocateur. They weren't, it turns out, servants of God but of evil. What they were doing was illegal. And all I was now hearing affirmed what I'd known but was too afraid to admit, all along.

I also discovered, though I've yet to be able to believe it, that they were wrong about me. I wasn't a liar, cheat or showoff. I wasn't "the problem" with all my "anger." I wasn't too sensitive and too critical (yeah my dad played that illogical fallacy all the time). I wasn't disobedient to God or to them. I wasn't having nightmares because God was punishing me for all my sins. It's called CPTSD and it comes from being forced into unnatural, terrifying situations. 

And maybe, even more, I wasn't the dark agent but a child of the light. This is hard for me to accept. It feels like, I don't  know, bragging. My old trauma responses tell me I'm bragging. But I'm not. And, excuse me trauma responses, but who would brag about being abused? It's shameful and humiliating. . And the reason I never fit it is that I wasn't supposed to. That's as per God. They were living evil, immoral, degenerate, prideful, hypocritical lifestyles. And God didn't want me to be part of that. He wanted and wants me to serve the real God, Him. Not their fake versions. I didn't know that then but I do now.