Weird things people with CPTSD think and do and how it stems from childhood trauma

 Hey friends. Today in my quest to heal from, or at least just come to grips with, my CPTSD, I'm going to share weird things people with CPTSD do and how it stems from childhood trauma. I've shared a lot of my back story of abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, invalidation, parentification, family scapegoating and gaslighting about it all from four very self-absorbed, narcissistic parents. You can check out my past posts if you want. Right now let's look at first person, how childhood trauma from narcissistic abuse, leaves a person with some very disturbing behaviors and ideas. 

1) I'm always unsure of myself. Sometimes a lot. This looks like jumpy, flinchy agitation with no cause. It comes from always playing the "guess what the parents want, think, need, feel" game and losing. From being in the crosshairs of irrational, explosive anger (for trying on a sweater at a Christmas party) and punishment (for not knowing how to care for four special needs foster kids my mom left me with for a week. Actually for waking my mom's boyfriend). From major upheaval coming out of nowhere (being kicked out of the house at 16 from coming home and hour late).  

2) I'm always disoriented. I babble and sometimes can't put two words together. I say odd things and then second guess myself and then explain. I don't pay attention to details and miss important things. Or I pay obsessive attention to things that don't require that much concentration. This comes from having to dissociate from the crazy, immoral, illegal, dangerous stuff I was being subjected to because there was no one to tell or help. From having to pretend that all is fine when it's not or that all is well when it's a hellish nightmare. From being so preoccupied with tuning out that I don't know when tune in. 

3) I'm never not in people pleaser mode. I'm obsequious and hypervigilant. I catch myself in those cameras by the U-scan, always looking over my shoulder. I laugh nervously at everyone's jokes whether I think they're funny or not. I give in to everyone. I assume they're right and I'm wrong. I have a perma-grin. I'm the last one to bed and can only sleep when everyone is asleep. I'm on call 24-7-365. This comes from having to placate, serve and dance attendance on four parents and their other children. 

4) I've never relax. I'm always afraid and anxious all the time. I can't sleep for the traumatic nightmares and crazy dreams. My hands shake and my stomach is in nots at the thought that someone is upset with  me. Or just upset and that I can't fix it. I was terrified of my dad till the day he passed. And now I'm afraid of his voice in my head. He's always needs something that I'm not giving and is perpetually mad at me. 

5) I'm humiliated. I feel out of place and foolish. This comes from so many embarrassing things happening to me. And from being the butt of parents' jokes. 

6) I don't do things very well. I make dumb mistakes.  I cut corners and am always in a hurry. That's because no one taught me how to do things or cared if I learned. I was left to figure out a lot on my own. And there were always so many people that seemed to expect so much all at once. I have a siren on my head and run around putting out fires. 

7) I don't take very good care of myself or tend to my needs. I ignore chronic pain. This is because my health wasn't cared for. I was told I was showing off. I was not believed. Interestingly, I'm usually not exaggerating but downplaying. When I do go to the doctor, I find that the condition is much worse than I thought. I ignored a shoulder injury till it was in tatters. I ignored cellulitis till my finger was so swelled up that my rings had to be cut off. 

8) I believe that others are morally superior to me. That their needs come first. Even when it's obvious to others that someone is pathologically narcissistic, is exploiting me or doesn't know what they are talking about. This comes from endless lies told to and about me, twisting of truth and gaslighting. I believe others' version of things and don't even realize that I have a perspective let alone that I can express it. 

9) I don't get a lot of things. Basic things like how to drive. I wasn't taught. I had a full on panic attack with dysregulation at my first driver's training session. That didn't do much to help my social life. The instructor was shocked that I'd never been behind the wheel of a car. 

10) I expect and believe I deserve, mistreatment. Things others take for granted don't apply to me.  A bedroom, a pillow, Kotex, a home, medical care. And things most kids can't imagine, did. Sexual abuse, being left in a strange city with strangers at six, walking by myself to school and playing blocks from home alone. You know how people say "what parent would do such a thing?" That's usually the thing mine have done. Abuse, neglect, abandon, endanger, exploit, scapegoat, parentify. They always had a reason which was that I deserved it. I'm the exception to a lot of rules. 

11) I live by two sets of rules. The stricter one that I have to follow and the much looser for others. Others need things. I can get by without. Others make mistakes. I purposely do wrong. Others lied to and about me then said I was the liar. Others demand things but I'm the selfish one. People who were malignantly, aggressively, passive-aggressively angry at me continually, and whom I waited on, said I had anger problems. 

12) I get overwhelmed by big out of the blue emotions and sensations. I rage, and cry. I bite myself and rub out the teeth marks. I panic and beg and grovel. I spanked my kids when I didn't want to. Mostly I'm terrified. I don't know what of. As I get older and out of menopause they are easier to predict and plan for. In my childbearing years they were crippling. 

13) I live in a fog of enigma. Things I know are wrong for others,  I never realized were wrong for me. Things my parents would never do to their others children they routinely did to me. Things that were fine for me, were not good enough for my parents and their families. God had a lot of commands for me that parents and their kids weren't held to. There was a constant hypocritical paradox. So much so that I kind of fractured. I couldn't juxtapose the awful treatment with the loving parents they purported to be. So I buried the memories and feelings deep and just kept trying to please. And failing. And getting more and more fragmented. 

14) I have horrific nightmares and bizarre dreams every single night, all night long. There's no rest. I think it might be God allowing these things to help me get to the root of all the pain. But they are exhausting. I could sleep all the time. 

15) I have constant chronic pain that makes me walk funny. Problems that should have been dealt with when I was young, weren't. There was "no money." But there was money to take the expensive dog to the vet regularly. I also hold myself in very tense, uncomfortable positions, always ready for the next thing coming at me. 

So the result is comprehensive, compound post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) But the weird thing is, that I look and seem just like a normal person. No one sees the mess I am unless they look very closely. But I don't allow that. I'm ashamed. And worried that it will scare them. I'm good at hiding, in plain sight. 

How parents and stepparents can be better for their kids than mine were to me

 Hi friends. I was very direct in my last post about how divorce, remarriage and stepparents contradict God's plan and the very nature of things. I meant to be. Kids have been so gaslit, damaged and disabled by this notion of do-over families that I can't afford not to be. I don't even use the term stepparent, stepchildren or half-siblings because the terms have been so weaponized against children. I explained how in my last post but I'll elaborate in this one. This post is written to anyone with children, who is considering divorce, getting into a relationship with someone with children or is in one. I'll be addressing Christian parents because divorce and remarriage particularly contradict their dogma but the tips apply to anyone. 

If you've been following this blog, you can skip the bits in brackets, just backstory that you've heard before. {A quick backstory. My parents moved to Alaska to be missionaries in 1969, a task they were not equipped for, not supported in and did not understand. They had no jobs, plan for housing and knew no one. They thought it would be a holiday in which the grateful missioned-to would care for, feed, clothe and house them, while they "preached" (told others what to do while not doing it). And that's exactly what happened. They talked. Others, strangers, cared for me. My mom divorced my dad after carrying on a series of affairs. He spent his time wandering in Alaska, purportedly ministering to youth but really just having an extended gap year. 

When they got back to Michigan, they set about finding new partners and starting new families. This was almost unheard of in our family, friends or community at large. I knew of no other kid with whose mom had a boyfriend or dad, a girlfriend. And it was even creepier because he always went for girls half his age and she went for guys 2x hers. At one point she moved her boyfriend into our house while she was running a foster care home (which subsequently got shut down due to their combined abuse of  the kids. It never occurred to me that I  had been abused in that too). 

Throughout my life, I've been shunted back and forth to their respective homes. It was always their homes, never mine. I was made to be servant, surrogate spouse and parent and scapegoat to their new families. I was never wanted by any of them, except as a worker bee. I was kept in submission, given cast off stuff made to earn my keep. I never managed to do that to their standards and was eventually put out on the street at 16. It was a real-life Cinderella story only I wasn't blonde and beautiful. I was fat and dumpy. Which added to constant sense of shame. And, I think, to my parents ability to get away with it all. 

I cannot describe the confusion, emotional pain and shame I lived with. I'm scared of my own shadow. I can't make decisions with getting a second opinion because I'm so used to being told I'm wrong. Life with my father and his wife was one endless stream of criticism and shame. They took their other kids' parts against me every single time. The Bible was used as a weapon to keep me in ashamed servitude. If I showed hurt, I was too sensitive. If I rose above, I was told I was proud. It will haunt me till the day I pass on. My dreams torment me at night. It brain damaged me in ways I will spend my life unraveling. 

So, you're asking, what can we do differently as a blended family, so what happened to you doesn't happen to our kids? Well, the fact that you're asking is a good sign that you're off on the right foot. Here are some things you need to think about if you're going to get remarried or enter into a new relationship when you have children from a previous one. For the purpose of discussion, "child" refers to the one from your earlier relationship. And I'm going to be very direct here. And every single one comes from personal experience. 

1) It's not about you. I guarantee you, whatever you suffered in your old relationship, your child is suffering just as much. She is confused, she feels you are divorcing her. She has been cast out with the old relationships like floor sweepings. You don't get to make up words and families as you go along. You cannot present new people into your child's life and expect the child to accept them as mom or dad and certainly not authority figures. These adults are your partner or spouse. They are nothing to the child. Their children are nothing to the child. Your new family is nothing. You blew apart the family that the child knew. To the child, you're foisting new faces on them as if the other family never existed. Help the child process. Admit that you have done hurtful things by breaking up the family. Get the child a supportive therapist or friend. Let healthy, extended family reach out to support the child. You got your way with this new family. Your child has nothing. Give the child time and space to come to terms with this. If she doesn't, don't force it. 

2) Focus on how the new adult in your life will treat the child, not the other way around. It's is already the most unmitigated gall to present the child with a "new mom" when the child already has one. And that's when the new adult actually treats the child with respect as a parent would. All to often, the new adult is jealous of the child or even wants to keep the child out of his or her new family. And the child's parent goes along with it and lets the new partner call all the shots. And worst of all is when the new partner behaves not all like a caring person but is abusive, demanding, controlling, shaming, exploitative, manipulative, neglectful, invalidating and hurtful to the child. And the parent goes right along with it. 

3) It's the child's house too. She was there first. My mother moved a boyfriend in who hit the ground running ordering me around. He never worked and it was my mother's and my house. But after he moved in, I never had a home again. It was always his. If you start a new relationship and you're the homeowner, make sure they understand that this is your child's home. 

4) Adults shows respect first and hopefully earns the child's respect. Am I saying allow the child to be  disrespectful to the new person? Eh, maybe for awhile. The child is always the child while you are the adults. And understand what is meant be respect. How are you expecting the child to treat the adult? Is it respect or servitude? Are you expecting the child to put up with bullying behavior and not say anything? Are you turning a blind eye to, even encouraging the new adult's poor treatment of the child? Mine did. So much emphasis was put on me being respectful, by people who were being incredibly disrespectful, just for shits and giggles. And there was little fear of me being disrespectful with the very dangerous and inappropriate consequences from four extremely dysfunctional people. 

5) Learn your Bible. The old "honor your mom and dad" maxim was thrown in my face constantly when I was a model of obedience and respect. Not because I'm so great. It was dangerous not to be. But then they overlooked all the things the Bible told them they were supposed to do for me and didn't. Don't provoke your kid to anger by forcing strange and unhealthy expectations. Love them. Care for them. Don't kick them to the curb. And parents, you are the example. Be more concerned about what you are teaching them. 

5) You don't have a choice. You have a responsibility to your progeny, not the other way around. Your child and what you owe them,  predates the new partner. There are no do-overs. The child exists. The child is the original family, extant. You can't erase your debt to your child just because you don't want it anymore or because your new partner doesn't. You divorced your spouse, not your child. Although to hear some people, you'd think they believed they could. Neither of the new ones wanted me around. Except for the heavy lifting.  And they were allowed, by my parents to think they had a choice in the matter. 

I was allowed to live (note the word allowed, as I was optional and they were magnanimously giving me a home) with my parents and their new families only under very specific, transactional circumstances. Transactions in which I did my part and they didn't. Never once was my part ever taken against the shitty, lying accusation the new people leveled at me. I was made responsible for their work, taking care of their kids and waiting on them and their new spouses. If anything went wrong, it was my fault. If I wasn't making enough mistakes they made shit to guilt me with And this is part of the horrible gaslighting that made me the mess I am now. 

6) And therein lies the rub. Parents who neglect their kids in favor of new families are very delusional indeed. But it went beyond fantasy with my parents. It was calculated. They didn't accidentally hurt me. They had to go out of their way to do the weird things they were doing. And they lied and gaslit me at every turn. And then cried on my shoulder. And then turned on me with venomous anger. And then blamed me for causing it. It was intentional to get me to a point where I was grateful for anything. Where I'd grovel and beg just for basic necessities. Which they would deny. And then blame and shame. Lather rinse repeat. 

Do you have any idea how difficult it is for a child to process the dissolution of their family? It was for me an existential crisis. I could not grasp, in fact I never have, what happened. Oh I accepted it alright. I had to. My mom told me she was leaving my dad, let me cry a few minutes and boom, done. No mercy. No counseling. No one to talk to. She was done with him and on to the next, with no concern about how that would affect me. Her only issue was that she couldn't just poof me away too. And my dad had essentially abandoned. He never really came back. 

But then, as I think of it, that was how they'd always been. The world revolves around them. Other people existed only as supporting characters in the Jack or Nancy show. They  both lacked any empathy for others. This allowed them to be incredibly hurtful, to go thru life causing chaos and pain, and to be completely unphased. They were totally self-absorbed. I just had the extreme misfortune to be the only child of two narcissists who then married other narcissists. 

So back to my tips. If you care for your child, you'll do what's right. If you don't, you won't. It really doesn't matter how you configure your family, whether married, single, divorced or living together, so long as you keep your priorities straight. I really mean that. When I was a kid, very few people divorced. Now it's common. But the pitfalls still remain. If you put ALL your kids first, if you live Ohana where no one gets left out or forgotten, you can make anything work. 

My mother's fault was only in part moving her boyfriend in because it was so weird and hypocritically immoral back then. It was in kicking me to the curb in favor of him, of forcing me to be subject to him and in not honoring me as the an OG member of the family. Same with my dad. It was all in the order of operations. 

Break up marriage. Double down on care and protection for kid. Meet new person. Make priorities clear. Kid was there first. Kid will always be there. Adaptations and sacrifices are made by adults, for child, not other way around. If they can handle that, proceed with caution. If it changes and you start seeing nastiness toward and jealousy of child, door works both ways. Better to cut the new person than neglect your duty to your child. Oh, and, child is not responsible if relationship fails. It didn't end because kid got in way. New partner is selfish person. Keep that clear in your head. More on that later. 

How religious abuse sabotages a kid's God-given safety system

 Hi friends. I'm on a mission to heal my CPTSD caused by decades of narcissistic parental abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, scapegoating, parentification, invalidation, constant shaming, intimidation and gaslighting. Today I'm looking specifically at how religious abuse sabotages a kid's God-given safety system. I'll also explore how narcissistic parents pervert and weaponize religion, specifically Christianity, to destroy their children. 

"Christian" narcissistic parents have a huge arsenal of weapons for child abuse, in the Bible. I know, you're thinking, um, what?? The Bible teaches God's love. Well, I know that and you know that. Because to us, the Bible is an instruction book. And a love story from God to us. To a narcissist, it's a weapon of mass destruction. It's a buffet of options from which they pick and choose what they like for themselves. God is love to them. For others, He's a harsh tyrant raining down molten lava on his hapless victims. 

Narcissist parents twist everything in the Bible to suit their selfish ends. They use it to justify their cruelty, exploitation, manipulation, endangerment, abuse, neglect, shaming, parentification, invalidation and harassment of their children. At least mine did. Let's take the trope of "faith over fear" which you'll know if you have followed this blog I believe is a huge heresy. And I'm not one to use that word lightly. 

My narcissist parents ( I had four), terrorized me regularly with violent anger, Draconian punishment and constantly shifting expectations. They wore down my resistance with medical and physical neglect. They told me all sorts of crazy crap and got me so confused that I went into a dissociative fugue and shut down for large periods of my life. They made up lies about what God expected from me that I was afraid of my own shadow. They made me slave for them until my back was so crooked I couldn't stand straight. They abandoned me in frightening situations and left me at the mercy of terrifying people. 

And then, they shamed me for being afraid. They called it "showing off" and "disloyal" and "attention-seeking" and "lies." They literally laughed at me because I was so shell shocked by their atrocious behavior that I walked and talked and cried and screamed in my sleep. Then they'd pull out the "faith in God" spiel. A God whom they had previously said pretty much despised me. I mean  why else was I left to play alone in strange cities? A loving God wouldn't do that so I must be unlovable, right?

So you might be thinking that's exaggerated. Which of course it is, to an adult who has had a relatively safe, secure and loving family life. To a child who's been mistreated, it's all too real. Downplayed, if anything. I have only just at 60, begun to fully unpack the unutterable terror that has assailed me all my life. Being scared witless by your parents and then shamed and punished for being afraid is the definition of shit and shoved in it. And damned if you do and damned if you don't. 

And this bizarre quagmire is incredibly useful for toxic parents to keep a child in line. Fear is a poor motivator but a great disabler. By keeping thinking that everything I do is wrong, not good enough, done for wrong reasons, they kept me ever hopping thru hoops, trying and never managing to please. Think about it. If you guilt a kid into thinking that parent pleasing (four of them, mind) is God's will and that she is always failing, why you've just set off a perpetual motion machine. I was frantically spinning my wheels and going nowhere. And the inner pain and anguish is indescribable. 

So how did they manage that? How did I not at some point see through this shame sham? Because what abuse and then gaslighting about it does is to sabotage a kid's God-given safety system. Hurting a kid repeatedly and then lying about it, saying it's the child's fault or that it didn't happen, damages her inner CQD signals. She fails to heed the iceberg warnings because she's been taught to ignore red flags. Red flags God has put in place to protect. And she keeps ramming the icebergs and damaging her little boat. Pretty soon it's broken on the rocks. 

That's where I am now. A 60 year old shipwreck. All that messed up, toxic, harmful junk from childhood is as real to me now as it was 55 years ago. In fact, it's gained momentum over the years. My dad's angry shaming voice, his wife's passive aggressive rage, my mom's exploitative backstabbing iand her husband's malignant abuse are scarier now than ever. 

And we can all say, till we're blue in the face, that I'm an adult now. Old enough to know better. I'm not bound by those old, wicked teachings. Trust me,  I punish myself all the time, over this. If I had enough faith, I could overcome this reign of terror. Oh that I could. But that's not how it works. 

God instills in us, a sense of fear, to keep us safe. He doesn't want us to blindly ignore his warning system, to plow heedlessly through caution tape. He gives us warning signals to recognize dangerous people. Unfortunately, when those are the very people who are supposed to care for us, well, we're kind of screwed. They are the wolves in sheep's clothing. The tormentors with parent faces. And because we are children, we know none of this. A child, especially a traumatized one, accepts her parents' version of everything, no matter how hurtful it is to her. They are God to her. 

 

What the Bible has to say about divorce, remarriage and stepparents

Hi friends. I'm working to learn how to cope with CPTSD from parental narcissistic abuse, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, scapegoating, exploitation, parentification, invalidation and gaslighting. My situation is unique in that I have four very self-centered parents, two bio and their new spouses. I'm starting a series on how parents abuse kids in second marriages. I'm opening with my conclusion that step families are a contradiction to God's will and common sense. This is going to provoke so hear me out. 

So normally, I'd begin with a bunch of disclaimers to avoid offending people. I'm a people pleaser who is used to her ideas being dismissed and shot down. In my case by parents in whose vested interest it was to keep me second guessing myself. But I'm not backing down on this one. 

So, what does the Bible have to say about stepparents: nothing. And why? Because the entire concept is a contravention of God's will. He has a lot to say about divorce and none of it good. But, just for curiosity, I Googled why. And there was a lot of backpeddling from Christian sources, about how God really does address it, we just don't recognize it. How St. Joseph was Jesus's stepfather. Which is anathema. He was a foster father. Mary didn't divorce the Holy Spirit to marry Joseph. And other such nonsense. The Bible doesn't cover it because it's not in God's plan. 

The Bible doesn't stutter. God says "I hate divorce." It was only given to people because they were determined to bust up families. So God did as much damage control as He could. Marriage is a sacrament. Now obviously there are situations, where it is permissible:  infidelity, abandonment and the first marriage not be sacramental. Possibly in cases of extreme addiction. 

But what the Bible really eschews is second (third, fourth, etc) marriages, particularly when there are children from the real one. Note I don't say first. That implies there will be a second, etc. And worst of all is the bringing other children into this sham family. Now you will probably say, well Christians get divorced and remarried all the time. Yep. People do a lot of things the Bible says are wrong but frequency doesn't make it right. 

I find it ironic that the very people who are pontificating to others about how they should live their lives are often divorced and married again, themselves. Because we have this habit of hand selecting which parts of scripture we would like to follow. We scrutinize others' eyes for specks and not only ignore but justify the board in our own. Best of all is when we can gaslight others into believing others our sin is actually good and that we are righteous by doing it. 

Okay so admittedly my experience was really bad. My parents blew our family apart. (back in the day they called it what it really was "broken homes" not the so euphemistic "blended family." I hate that term.  Then they got "remarried" as they put it. Like it was some kind of rematch or picture retake. Because they didn't like the first one they could  just wave a wand and magic it--and me--away.  And start a new family as if I didn't exist. 

I became the silent homeless, being shunted to and fro at everyone's convenience but mine. They bought homes with no thought to having room for me. I slept on couches and cast off beds. I was moved out of "my" room and in with the baby whenever they had one. I lived in a cobble job hodge podge of "dad's home" and mom's home and then Ginny's home and Bill's home. Never mine. There was no blending about it. It was a cracked and busted mess and the cracks just got deeper and more dangerous. 

And to hear them talk, this was all God's will. The gaslighting was palpable. Using a lot of babble, they conned me into believing that I now had four parents. Funny though, these new "stepparents" didn't take care of me any better than the first two. They were just two more supervisors who I was also responsible to care for. Then they had a bunch of kids that were my responsibility too. By the age of 14, I was essentially mom to 8 people. 

So my experience, you may argue, is extreme. But I don't think it's as unusual as we might wish. When parents remarry, their children from their real one are often kicked to the curb. Because they are older they  often have way too much expectation placed on them. They are relegated to sharing rooms with babies. Because their parents who were too lazy and selfish to work at their marriage are also too lazy and selfish to raise their children. 

Or to work at their second marriages. I became not only a surrogate parent but surrogate spouse to each of the adults in my life in a sick kind of psychological incest. As I've said before, my parents screwed up their first marriages and by God they weren't going to let me screw up their second ones. And they could have gone had their shiny new families free and clear if it wasn't for me. So I was to blame not only for the divorce but them getting married in the first place. 

Yes, I hear how effed up that sounds. But I'm not making it up. I was told these things in some way or another. My mom used to say when she would visit me "I have to get home to my family." Oof, thanks, Ma. My father would list the ways I had let "mummy" (his new wife) down and then offer up my services to "fix" her. They slept in a soundproof room while I got up at night with their kids.  

So how do parents manage to achieve this fantasy. Well, let's not overlook the complete fabrication of lies the kid is told. Lies which lay eggs and distort everything for that child. The terms they use. "His house" in reference to my mother's unemployed, shiftless boyfriend when it was our house he moved into and they were living on my dad's child support. "Your mother" in reference to dad's new wife. 

Back to the Bible on this. The Bible which they quote all the time, btw. You know how the right wingers love the term "marriage equals one man and one woman?" Yeah so they focus on the nouns, but overlook an important part of that equation which are the adjectives. ONE man and ONE woman. God created children to have two parents. Not four or eight  or 26 or however many other adults their parents want to shove into their lives. 

Two people had authority over me, not the rabble. And about this authority which I'm supposed to honor. There's more to it. Parents are to care for their children, to love them as God loves them, to give good things, not to bind them up to burdens they don't carry, not to be a millstone around their necks, not to anger (stress, harm, neglect, abuse, abandon, endanger, exploit, scapegoat, parentify, invalidate, gaslight) them. 

In my case, the transaction was one-sided with me doing all of the giving and obeying and receiving nothing but negative in return. 

Can people do better? Can second marriages or relationships be managed so that children aren't left out, exploited or harmed by it? I certainly hope so. There are a lot of these situations. But let's not kid ourselves. It's never the ideal. The bible is clear on that. I'll blog more about how people who are in a parent role with other peoples' children can be better. 

Essential tools for healing CPTSD: identifying childhood trauma shamers

Hello my friends. If you've been following my posts on CPTSD from parental narcissistic abuse, thank you. It's been difficult going back and reliving the abuse, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, exploitation, parentification, scapegoating, invalidation, toxic shaming and gaslighting by four narcissistic parent figures. I sometimes, no honestly, most of the time, feel like I'm drowning in it. Seriously, it's that bad.

I don't talk about it much, except on this blog and to a few trusted friends, for several reasons. First and probably worst of all, is the response I get from those who don't understand. I call these people trauma shamers. And you'll know who they are by their dismissive, patronizing, high-handed arrogance. If you tell them you were abused, they will make comments like "oh, that's a long time ago", "it's done and over", "just forgive them" "get over it", "move on", "they are your parents after all..." And worst of all, "you have to honor them because God says to.' 

All of which feels like carbolic acid on a cut. It was a long time ago but it's also now because it happened every time I see them, more gaslighting and shaming, till I cut contact. And tell the voices in my head, my constant nightmares, my self-harming, self-shaming, self-gaslighting, self-hatred that it's all over. Wouldn't I just love to move on, to quit having CPTSD. It would be easier to kick a heroin-alcohol-glue sniffing habit than "get over" CPTSD. And forgive? Been there do that all the time. They're not sorry and it just gives them more fuel to hurt me. 

And no, they are not my parents. Parents do not routinely exploit, endanger, abandon, scapegoat, abuse and neglect their child. I'm their daughter, as in the possessive, controlling, demanding way. They did not ever parent me. They made me parent them and their new spouses and kids. As per the commandment to "honor your parents" yeah that one got twisted all the time. 

Honor meant one thing for me and something very different to my parents. Because in the larger sense of the command, it means honor God your father. And they did not do that. They honored themselves and all their whims and wishes no matter how contrary to scripture they were. And dragged me through it all. However, for me, honor meant blindly obey every weird and dangerous expectation they put on me. 

And further, honor your parents doesn't  include any random stranger they bring into your life and call parent. I  have come to believe that there is no such thing as "stepmother" or "stepfather." They are your parents new spouses. A person has two parents and two only. Who could become friends but in my case were just harsh autocratic tyrants and abusers. Stay tuned for my post on how the false concept of "step families" can damage a child.

But back to the would-be helpful comments. First, they're not helpful they're harmful. And anyone who would say things like this to a childhood trauma survivor is not very healthy themselves. Because I said they don't understand. But that's just me being polite and politically correct again. It's really that they won't understand. 

Anyone who would pooh-pooh abuse and neglect, who would cast doubt on a child's report of cruelty, has an ulterior motive. Either they're deaf, on the abuser's payroll, doing these things to their children or have a pathological lack of empathy. When someone tells me they have cancer, my first response is not to minimize and offer toxic positivity. My first response is to hug, cry, say I'm sorry. TO BLOODY WELL EMPATHIZE, NOT SHAME THEM!!

You need to know that if you are struggling with something, especially something so life-threatening as CPTSD, you must be very careful of who you share with. Trauma shamers are a special breed of sicko. Learn to identify them. You'll know them by the smarmy tone of voice and condescending facial expressions. If someone does this to you, no matter who they are, slam the door on the conversation and get away from them. They mean you no good. 

I'll post more on this and other tools for coping with CPTSD. 

How grandiose narcissists see themselves and how they become covert, malignant narcs with age

Hello my friends. A quick background if you're new to this blog. For the past year, I've been working to heal my brain from a lifetime of parental narcissistic abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, toxic shaming, invalidation, scapegoating and gaslighting about it all. Today I'm looking at how grandiose narcissists see themselves. And also how this self-view makes them into covert and malignant narcissists as they age. 

I lived under the regime of four narcissist parents, three grandiose and one covert narcissist. And at least two with histrionic and antisocial pattern behaviors.  My bio parents were both raging grandiose narcissists who divorced and married other narcs. Life with them was one endless, constantly shifting crazy. I was so damaged in so many ways, by their assaults and gaslighting that I thought it was all my fault. I thought chronic nightmares, CPTSD, suicidally low self esteem and constant fear and shame was normal. 

But recently I've permitted myself to identify the narcissism that drove them. And I realize that I have, as the child of four narcissists, I  have a unique perspective into their thinking which is quite delusional and fantastical. I liken their inner world to a ballet or opera with themselves as prima donna. They always play the lead role never choir or even supporting. 

No wonder my bio parents got divorced. Because there's room for only one diva in the spotlight. And interestingly, diva means goddess in Italian. So there's not even room for God on the stage let alone in the center. He must take a supporting role too. Which leads me to another interesting thing about how God was weaponized by the histrionic narcissists in my life. 

I just listened to a podcast about Christian narcissists and how they kick God out of the driver's seat and exploit Him for their own ends. And wow, was this little girl shouting AMEN. The podcaster identified spot-on how they manipulate you into doing their will by calling it God's, twisting scripture, playing the victim and playing by two sets of rules. And if they can do to adults, think of how they damage their children. I definitely need to blog more about this religious abuse by narcissistic parents. 

As a child, I remember my parents always being "on." As if there was a large adoring audience hanging on their every word. They did a lot of posturing, pontificating and speaking "ex cathedra." No matter how bizarre their behavior, they were convinced of their own infallibility. And like actors they came across very fake. Very pretentious. 

Their behavior designed, I now see, to garner attention. They wanted the big impressive jobs that involved no work on their part. They never participated, they orchestrated. Committee work was far too pedestrian. Even just normal things people all do, like holding down jobs, or paying bills or keeping a roof over their daughter's head or providing for her was beneath them. Let the mere mortal extended family take  care of that. And if they didn't or couldn't, oh well, Marilisa will be fine. Good enough for who it's for. 

However, neither of my parents had any training in ministry or leadership. They were very dismissive of other's achievement and education. But for all that, they firmly believed that they were missionaries and preachers. My father actually went to Los Angeles after the Manson gang murders to convert the Manson girls. He was fully convinced that the authorities would just usher him in to solitary confinement. He had no idea where San Quentin was or how the penal system worked. He just knew that, like Saint Paul, the doors of the prison would magically open for him. They didn't. 

Which might sound very brave and noble. I was gaslit into believing that for years. But when you consider that he had already dragged us across four time zones, on a missionary whim for which he did no preparation, and then left a wife and young daughter in this strange place on another whim, it doesn't sound so great. And when you also consider that my mother was leaving me to my own devices while dreaming up equally delusional fantasies and cheating on my dad, it's even worse. What it looks like, because it was, is child abandonment. 

But narcissists will not see reason on anything. They get very upset when thwarted or questioned. And also very paranoid. Everyone is a hater. No one understands them. Oh how they've suffered. Why can't people just give them their way??? Well, I tried that all my life and it never worked, so yeah... 

Throughout my life, they've done similar outlandish things. Like starting foster care homes but leaving the care to me. As a tween and teen. The menial labor is not for them. They will lie, cheat, scam, con and gaslight others into doing their work for them. And everyone else was supposed to play along. Or, actually, I say everyone else when really it was just me. I was the scapegoat. I was their only child and when they got remarried, their new families were treated very differently. 

Which brings me to the second point which is, how over time and with age, grandiose becomes covert and malignant narcissism. As you might imagine, things often didn't pan out as my parents expected. People didn't line up for their performances. People said no. People disagreed. And those people were of course, hater bullies. But you can only play the victim card so many times before people start to see that there's no fire except the one you started. 

Not everyone. Because my parents present as "good Christians." But it doesn't take long for others to see that they are only in it for what they can get. Not so much my dad. I think his narcissism was more genuinely delusional. But definitely my mom. People are opportunities, not friends. Relationships are very transactional. Preferably with the other person getting stung. 

So their circles have become smaller. And as the show was over, the grand diva has had to go undercover. What's left is self-pity, more open hostility and lack of empathy. Passive-aggressive has given way to just aggressive. And as you age, it becomes exhausting to keep up the facade. All the bitterness and frustration of failed coups, cancelled performances and shattered fantasies, starts coming out. 

She has decided that if she can't be the hottest one in the room, she'll be the most pathetic. Making up stories of abuse, hunger, neglect, poverty (all others' fault). She tells people she is homeless. Wearing nightgowns in public, feigning dementia, disability, hearing loss, memory loss and conditions that defy medical science. Shouting loudly in church, knowingly walking out into traffic expecting others to pull her back, purposely wandering off knowing others will be worried and come looking. 

I think it's ironic that she has chosen these attention-seeking methods. These are all things she subjected me to as a child. I was not given enough to eat. Or a home or bed. I was left to wander alone from age 4, with no one to pull me back out of traffic. Many times, I wandered off and no one came looking. 

The histrionic narcissistic parents' bizarre and contradictory trifecta of abuse

Hello my friends. This blog has evolved from how I lost 100 pounds to an awareness journey into my CPTSD from a lifetime of narcissistic parent abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, manipulative invalidation, scapegoating, parentification, toxic shaming and gaslighting about it all. Today I'm looking at the bizarre and contradictory trifecta of abuse that my histrionic narcissistic parents leveled at me. 

But first, if you're new to the term narcissist, let me explain. So the DSM-5 has identified personality disorders called HPD (histrionic personality disorder) and NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) with characteristics of self-absorption, lack of empathy and self-awareness, exhibitionism and self-centered delusional fantasy issues. There are types within those. For the purpose of this blog, I'm not looking to diagnose whether my parents were clinically NPD or HPD (although I'm 99.9% sure they would be if examined). 

I'm looking at the specific behaviors that they exhibited, which fall squarely in the category of narcissism. At first it was grandiose narcissism with some covert and malignant narcissism which really unfolded the older they got and the more selfish behavior they got away with. The histrionic behavior manifested in a pathological need for attention, exhibitionism and melodrama. I say they because both of my parents behaved as histrionic narcissists and then when they divorced, married other really disturbed people. 

So, needless to say, self-centered people don't make very good parents. However, in the delusional fantasy of narcissism, they think they are amazing. Just like they think they are moral Christians with a God-given right to pontificate to others while living very (by their own standards) immoral lives. Mine gaslit me  into believing that abuse, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, scapegoating, parentification, shaming exploitation and invalidation of me was all God's will. Which I'm sure you'll agree is insanely, off the charts damaging to the child. 

The way a narcissistic parent views the child is what drives the abusive behavior. Or should I say, the role the triple role a child plays in this self-absorbed, delusional fantasy world. To a narcissist, a child is not just a burden and the problem, she is also a threat, but also, and this is so weird, a prop. A supporting role in the Mommy and Daddy show. And what do you do with a burden? Shift it onto others or in my case, ignore it.  A threat you neutralize.  My life was one unending role of schlemiel to the narcissists' schlimazel. The court jester to their ubermensch. 

There is a constant clash of expectations to be a support to the parent but also a scapegoat. The child must know and feel guilty that she is in the way. She blocks the narcissist from reaching their true potential. She gets in the way of their "success." Note, this is all in the narcissist's fantasy. My mother told me that she could have been very high ranking person of prestige in the church they were in at the moment ( I forgot which one, there were so many), if it weren't for me. It was completely fabricated as so many other stories I was told, were. 

My father felt no qualms spending the few dollars we had to go to LA to witness to the Manson girls and leave my mother and me, 6, homeless, without family or support in Alaska. My mother was on board with this as it left her free to continue cheating on my dad. Neither one of them paid much attention to what I did. I have no memory of meals and how I got to school. When he told me he was going, I put a brave face on and said goodbye because that's what he expected. He later defended his complete abandonment of me, and got some extra guilt mileage in, by saying that I didn't miss him anyway. 

There is no winning for the child in this slippery slope. You are, at once, a burden which you should feel guilty for. You are a threat to them being always the center of attention and you should feel guilty for that also. And yet you are the prop, too. As a tiny girl, I got used to bolstering fragile parent egos. They said dance, I danced like there was no tomorrow. 

I got used to walking a tightrope of shame and expectation. But not really. Somewhere in my heart was a small voice whispering that this was not good. When I heard it, I just assumed that it meant I wasn't playing my part. So I did better. And better. And they kept adding to the job. So I did more. And they added more. And I failed and was punished. 

This endless tailspin has blown my brain apart. It has broken my heart irreparably. I spent the first 59 years of my life in almost total denial. It wasn't their fault. I deserved it. The weight which you can never explain to anyone because it makes no sense, it smothering. I have been so close to ending it so many times, I've lost track. And then there's more shame because according to my church, despair and suicide are mortal sins. So what the hell do I do???

I "know" not that what they did is and was wrong. But it doesn't help. The damage is done and it is permanent. I'll need to blog more about that. I will say this, though. For all I couldn't see what was being done to me, I can't not see it now. The chinks have turned into gaping holes in my parents' version of reality and the sun  is pouring through, revealing the truth. 

I'm hoping and praying that there may be some hope for this little girl lost.