Why confession of sin privately or to a priest can be counterintuitive (and unscriptural) and it's not what you think

 Okay so having read this title, let me just clarify. I am a Catholic Christian (raised in a variety of fundamentalists churches). The sacrament of confession (reconciliation, penance) is essential to our faith. And I just realized why I've had such a problem with it over the years since converting. Actually there are several reasons. And it's not what you think. And protestant private confession is a problem too. In fact it's even worse. And it's also not for the reasons you think. I will go so far as to say that it's unBiblical done the way most Christians do it. 

We're told by ministers and priests that the reason we don't want to confess sin is that we are arrogant and proud. We don't want to bend our stiff necks. My arrogant narcissist parents loved to attack me with that one (though they never confessed anything they did as wrong. This is important and we'll come back to it) But in my case nothing could be further from the truth. I was always confessing my sin. Because I was told I was at fault for pretty much everything. I took the blame for everyone's bad choices even those in which I was the only one hurt by them. 

I poured out my sins to God as a good little protestant girl. I grieved over them.  My parents would browbeat me with all the ways I was letting them, their new partners and kids, down. So I had a lot to confess, I assumed. Although funnily enough I was never sure exactly what I had done. That part has always been shrouded in the confusion of gaslighting. I just begged God to make me a better person so I could somehow do all they expected of me. Not so they'd love me, mind. I always knew I was pathetically unlovable. 

So initially upon conversion to Catholicism, I loved the sacrament of reconciliation. I confessed all kinds of things I hadn't done that others said I did. I never gave myself the benefit of the doubt or acknowledged that most of the "wrong" I did was after unbearably antagonizing provocation. I  was afraid it would sound like I'm afraid it will sound to you, and what I was told I was doing, just making excuses. I never got any help dealing with those extenuating circumstances. I was just told to do right and not to worry about what others did to me. 

My dad would actually say "it doesn't matter what anyone does to you. You have to be perfect." If I said someone else started it, they'd just say "two wrongs don't make a right" and carry on in their arrogant, irresponsible ways. As I look back, they were the ones drawing first blood persecuting me, expecting outrageously impossible things of me that they never did and then punishing me if I wasn't complying to their unpleasable standards.  

No pressure there. And they themselves set terrible examples holding grudges, blamed everyone else for their choices, claiming forgiveness for sins he'd never confessed and viciously punishing anyone who crossed them.  While I just kept screwing up because I couldn't be perfect (though I will say I did a pretty damn good job trying). And I got more and more suicidal in the frustration of taking it all on myself. If I'm honest, priests have often just perpetuated the gaslighting of my narcissistic parents. 

And that would be bad enough. But then factor in a basic flaw with any kind of confession to someone other than the injured party or just "in private" as protestants call it. A flaw that goes against God's instruction. Simply put,  we're doing it wrong if our sins have wronged another and we only tell God. And all of them do. We say we're sorry, get our absolution and go on our way "cleansed" and free. But we never CONFESS THEM TO THE PEOPLE WE HURT. That's not even built in to any denomination approach. But it should be. 

In fact, I've heard people say, "I don't have to tell anyone else what I did because (wait for it) I told God." If that's not a recipe for arrogant bullies to go on hurting unchecked, I don't know what is. It's also complete anathema to scripture which tells us to go and make it right with the person you wronged. HUMBLE yourself and admit the crap you put them through.  AND they pompously claim to be excused carte blanche because "Jesus died for me" so how dare you question me?? Are you doubting God?? 

Now they have the upper hand, they believe. They can go on doing exactly as they do hurting others but it's all good because Jesus forgives sin. No one can touch them especially not the people they have wronged. All they have to do is say they are forgiven and you have to also. They don't have to mend their ways or even actually apologize. No one can prove they didn't, they think. But we don't have to. They have proved it by their self-righteous, hypocritical entitled and wrong claim of exoneration. And by their complete disobedience to God's command to "confess to one another what you did wrong" and to "leave your gift and go confess to them." And to "go and sin no more."

Jesus has not forgiven them because they have not repented. Even just admitting you did something wrong (and arrogant people won't even do that) is only a start. Without contrition, sorrow, a statement of resolve to stop, actions to do so and making amends (penance) it's not confession. It's a joke. Jesus can forgive the penitent  but not the arrogant. And He doesn't guarantee to remove all earthly consequence, just eternal damnation. If you stole money you'll still be arrested and charged with theft. If you committed adultery, you still will face anger, divorce, etc., confession or not. Jesus may forgive you but that doesn't mean you spouse has to or maybe even should 

He doesn't even remove the consequences OTHERS suffer from our bad behavior. My parents ill-treated me all my life and I have the scars to prove it. I trauma nightmare every single night. I have concomitant health issues: CPTSD, chronic anxiety and fear, shame, structural damage and brain damage from unmanageable stress cortisol, constant triggering of trauma responses and a host of others. No of that was taken away. And they waltz away scot free, feeling completely absolved of sin yet they never once even admitted all the wrong they did to me. Even if they did, even if I "forgave" them (whatever that means) it doesn't heal the scars. 

They talk like it's only God they hurt. So it's only to him they have to confess. God Himself disagrees. We hurt Him by the way we treat each other. That's why the majority of commandments, injunctions, laws, beatitudes and fruits of the spirit focus on our treatment of people. He says that whatever we do to others we do to Him. He wants us to humble ourselves, change our hard hearts and be nice. So confession to God without confession to others especially our victims is making a mockery of God. 

So Catholic confession is better, but still misses the boat if the penitent doesn't address the people he hurt. And all too often, that's not even mentioned. Even the penance doesn't address it.  It's like we who were hurt have to just accept whatever was done (and continues to be done) like it's all good because they went to confession. Or worse yet got "down on their knees before God in their little prayer closet." Neato you told God but you never told the victim.  Now you feel so much better, hurrah. Meanwhile I'm left with all the suffering and knowing you'll probably do it again because you have so many times before. And I'm supposed to keep hoping you'll try harder when you've just been basically told you're good to go.

So confession actually harms the victim more because now they're supposed to forgive like God when they never had even the satisfaction of being humbled to and acknowledged to, how they were hurt. So still, all the work falls to the victim. She has to repeatedly suffer the consequences of others' bad choices, pretend it's not happening, keep rolling over, hoping against hope, trusting, giving a million and one chances to someone who has proved repeatedly that they have no intention of changing. 

She doesn't even get the respect and courtesy of being admitted and confessed to what harm was done to her, what was said in what was confession because of some "seal of the confessional" gaslighting nonsense.  Well I don't think that privacy applies to their victims and I'm pretty sure God doesn't either.  And anyone that would use as an excuse to confront the ones they hurt, is not humble or contrite. They just want the absolution without the work. And then very often, because that person is already arrogant and ungrateful, they are also very unforgiving themselves. They blame other people for their bad choices. I think that's a lot of power to give someone who has not earned it. 

To do the sacrament of reconciliation correctly, the priest should tell the penitent that absolution is conditional on him going to the people he hurt and confessing, apologizing and making amends to them. None of this three Hail Marys business. No disrespect to the Blessed Mother but it wasn't her he harmed either. And I think Our Lady agrees. I think she takes the part of the victims. God says he doesn't want our sacrifices and burnt offerings, but a contrite heart. I know that if I  have wronged someone, you can be darn sure I won't just tell it to a priest or the wall. I go to the one I wronged because I feel sorrow for hurting them. I certainly wouldn't smugly tell them they have to forgive me if I haven't even admitted what I did to them. 

 

Why I drink too much (it's not what you think)

 Hello my friends. Today in my healing from CPTSD work, I'm exploring a bad habit I have of occasionally getting drunk. Here's why I drink too much and it's not what you think. So if you consume too much alcohol, even if you're the nicest, sweetest drunk in the world (like I am) you will very likely get scolded and probably shamed for it. Even just drinking alcohol can earn you disapproval.  There are a surprising number of people who, though keeping their mouths shut on other bad habits (especially their own), feel no qualms about telling you off for drinking, particularly getting "drunk."  It's like drinking is in a protected class from "minding your own business." 

I'm not talking about drinking and driving. That's obviously everyone's business. I'm not talking about ugly drunks who hurt people. I'm not even talking about people who say something because they genuinely care and are worried. (Though even that is a slippery slope. ) I'm talking about people just feeling entitled to comment on a kindly person having what they deem to be too much alcohol. 

You will often hear this censure from Christians because alcohol is their pet sin. They who are violence-loving, TV addicts, adulterous, gossipy, arrogant, power addicts, selfish narcissists, lying, cheating, shopaholics, overspending and in debt, thieving, hypocritical, slothful or any other of the sins listed in the Bible, will pontificate ad nauseum about the evils of drink as if that's the only sin. More often than not, they struggle with sins of gluttony or some other addiction themselves and are obese, prescription pain addicts or weed heads.  They do this because this is the one sin they don't struggle with. They love to preach against it because it keeps the focus off their sins. Which arguably drinking isn't even a sin but more of an unhealthy habit. 

And that is what my dark tetrad (narcissistic, haughty, entitled, remorseless and cruel) parents did to me all my life. They picked apart everything I did while never admitting the egregiously wrong things they did. They lied about me and said I did things I didn't. They called me lazy, selfish and arrogant when this was actually how they acted. They made be believe everything I did was wrong. BUT THEN they were also freakishly controlling of my actions, harshly punitive all while setting terrible examples. 

So I got used to being under their rigid and hypocritical thumbs. And continued doggedly trying to please them and always failing. Which is a further hypocrisy on their part. If they were ordering me around and I was doing all they said, I couldn't also be a failure. The person issuing the instructions would be in the wrong. But I never saw that and fell for their gaslighting double standards every time. 

So how did this lead to over imbibing on the booze? Because it is something I can control. If I'm always going to be accused of sinning, I may as well at least do something I enjoy. And I like wine. And what I enjoy never hurts anyone unlike their horrible addictions to power, control and bullying. My parents sins hurt me and pretty much only me. Oh they'd be quick to say they were the injured parties. But they aren't. 

I got the brunt of everything: their divorce, neglect, physical abuse, refusing to hold down jobs and still making me do all the housework, remarriage, abandoning me, having more kids and then expecting me to take care of all of them (including all the parents), infidelity, cheating, stealing, lying, slander, two-facedness, backstabbing and a host of other wretched actions. I'm very damaged, physically and emotionally, because of it. 

Since I can't make sense of all this cruelty, I try to quell the memories.  I can't wrap my head around how parents could treat their child like this. I dream about it all night long. So a part of why I drink is also to quieten down the stress and horror . To make their nasty, shaming voices a little less "loud." I've tried the antidepressant Paxil and that just make things worse. I'm not saying alcohol is the answer but I do need less pain. It's out of control and I can't manage it. 

I believe that getting some healing is the important thing here. And that's one of many things that the fault-finders don't take into consideration. WHY is a person drinking so much? It's hurting only me in the occasional headache. Perhaps some other physical issues, too. Even in my choice of bad habits, I'm still picking one with consequences only for me. Actually my mom should be grateful as it gives her (in her mind) more to be self-righteous and smug about.  Shouldn't we be more concerned about the pain that led her to it, instead of just wagging their fingers at her? 

Am I saying it's my parents fault I drink too much?  Yeah, in a way. If they'd raised me in a kinder, less self-centered way, if they'd not pinned all their faults on me, if they'd not blame-shifted and made me suicidal with shame, I might not need to shut out these hurtful behaviors. And sometimes it's just because I'm having fun and not feeling miserable for a little while. 

Am I defending my right to drink? Naww, I've never defending much of anything I did wrong even if I hadn't done it. I've been everyone's scapegoat all my life. But I am trying to put it in perspective. For those of you who are truly concerned about me, please, get the right end of the stick. Me having occasionally too much to drink is only the tip of the iceberg. The alcohol may be dangerous but it's the chronic CPTSD that is killing me. 

Different Rules for children vs. adults in relationships with narcissists

 Hello friends. In my quest to heal CPTSD from narcissistic dark tetrad parent abuse, I find a lot of info for adults in relationships with narcissists but very little written for adult children of narcissists (ACON). So I'm trying to correct that. Because rules for helpless children in these toxic and dysfunctional relationships are somewhat different than those for adults who enter willingly into them. No blame or judgement to anyone. Just fact. 

First thing, pretty much all advice on relationships with narcissists is predicated on the idea that adults have control over who they choose to be with. Children, of course, do not. So adults have tools and resources available to them that kids don't. In fact some of the actions recommended to adults would be dangerous let alone pretty much impossible for children to do. 

We can't just walk out. Where would we go? We can't tell anyone because they have gaslit us into thinking that all the vindictive, selfish, controlling, manipulative and cruel things they do are normal. Or that no one would believe us if we did tell. Which of course is a contradiction: if they are doing nothing wrong, why would our story not be accepted? However we don't get that till we're adults and the window for help has closed.

Pity that. It would have only taken one caring, responsive adult. They might not have saved us from it but they could have shaved off years of CPTSD recovery helping us see that it wasn't our fault. That this was NOT normal, healthy loving parenting but dark tetrad exploitation and abuse. But then no one talks to kids about the neglect and harm they are experiencing. No one wants to know. And everyone defends the parents: they didn't know better, didn't want to interfere, were helpless, yada yada. So grownups with resources to help left a  truly helpless kid to deal alone. 

So I digress. But it does underscore my point that adults have options kids don't. They can call out wrong that they see. They have options if they choose to stay. They can do things like grey rocking (ignoring, playing dumb).  If a child ignored or disengaged from the dark tetrad parent there would be hell to pay. If the child even knew she could which most of us didn't. Adults can separate and divorce  from each other. Kids can't. 

And actually my narcissistic parents' divorce made life 2x worse for me. They left me to deal with this alone and waltzed off only to pick up with equally selfish people whom they parentified me to and made me slave for as well. But if you don't know that parents are supposed to be loving not hateful, you certainly don't know that "stepparents" are supposed to be as well. You just accept that now you have four bullying bossy control freaks to deal with instead of just two. 

Some other bits of advice that kids easily misunderstand and get wrong because parents twist them, is 1) not to personalize the narcissists' attacks and 2) don't JADE (justify, answer, defend or explain). That sounds good in theory but dark tetrad parents completely eff this up for kids. They WANT their kids to personalize their attacks. They call their self-righteous, hypocritical, self-serving bullying "discipline" and woe to any child who doesn't heed his parent's correction, right? In fact, if you don't take their chastisement personally they call you disobedient and they up their game, making attacks more insidious, vicious and personal. If you cry, you're being too sensitive and can't take criticism. But if you don't grovel and fawn, you're being arrogant and proud. There is no fucking winning with these shitty people. 

And about the JADE. This actually works well for adults in  narcissistic relationships but for kids, it's impossible and dangerous. Just like narcissistic parents demand you take their criticisms personally, they demand justification and explanation. They stand you in a corner and fire accusations and lies at will. If you do defend yourself, they then fault, shame, blame shift and punish you. But you'd better offer it just the same or you're not taking them seriously. If you stay quiet, you're "showing off" and being "arrogant" and if you answer you're "talking back" or "sassing" or (my  mother's favorite) "being lippy." ( I can't hear that phrase without wanting to retch. Or hit something.). It's a Catch-22 that kids like me have been in so often that we are brain damaged from all the stress, gaslighting and abuse cortisol. We're damned if we do and damned if we don't. 

Advice to get counseling may work  great for an adult but good luck to children. A narcissistic parent is not going to pay someone to tell her child that she is being abused. And then there are the flying monkey "counselors" (often "Christian") who aid the parent's gaslighting by telling the child  that what the parent is doing is fine and that God calls the child to obey them.

My dad and his wife did get counseling for me. But only to prove what a bad child I was. These venomously angry people who hated each other, said that I needed anger management. Like that was  going to fix the mess they  made of their lives. They sent me to a minister so he would shame me into what I don't know. I was so overly subservient, obedient and even  obsequious already. I already felt worthless and suicidal.  I let them scapegoat me into taking all their problems on myself. So I don't know what further shame he could have wreaked on me. 

It's funny, I don't have a clear recollection of what we talked about or what he said. I have a vague notion it was something like me not acting like this rebellious kid I was painted to be. And maybe even something about me being the injured party. But I wouldn't have heard that through their FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) fog. And the parents would have made sure I didn't hear of it if  he'd confronted them. I do know I wasn't taken back. And he probably did give them a talking to because they only got worse after my visit. Still, I hope he did chew them out. It didn't do me any good but it gives me great pleasure to imagine their machinations coming back to bite them. Is that vindictive? AF and proud of it. 

Because that's another rule that doesn't apply to kids of narcissists. Adults are told not to be vindictive, that somehow the universe will sort them in the end. Umm, not sure about that but I know from a child's perspective, you have to be vindictive. Not that you punish or hurt them. That won't make you feel better BUT you do have vindicate yourself. They will define your self-care as punishing them because they want to keep you sick and enslaved to them. So you have to define for yourself what vindictive means. To me, it's putting the blame and responsibility for their behavior back where it belongs, on them. You have to stop shielding them from consequences of their choices and taking the guilt on yourself. If that means they are arrested for child abuse or neglect, well, that's logical consequences. 

So what should children do who live under the tyranny of narcissistic dark tetrad parents? Find a trusted person and tell them. If you're not sure it's abuse, ask someone. Look at how other kids around you live. You may not know all that goes on behind closed doors but you can see if their parents love them or use them. 

My parents' and their partners' behavior put up SOOOOO many red flags I was stumbling over them. It was patently obvious to everyone but me that my life was very broken. My one grandmother tried to help but the rest buried their heads in the sand. For being so ultrareligious they didn't  have the courage to confront or help me. Which is probably a big part of how my parents got so entitled and irresponsible and above it all. Unchecked arrogance is a wildfire that destroys everything in its path. Especially the poor little kids. 

And to adults who witness kids being treated like this, you may not be able to fix it for them but that shouldn't stop you at least reaching out in love. Acknowledge their feelings and admit that you see the problems too. Remind them it's not their fault and that you love them. As I've said before, it would have only taken one supportive person to make a difference in my life. 

Rules shell-shocked kids of dark tetrad parents need to break in order to heal

 Hello it's me again with more on healing narcissistic dark tetrad parent abuse (if that's actually possible). Today I'm adding to my previous lists of rules shell-shocked kids of dark tetrad parents need to break in order to begin healing. Most of them are going to fly in the face of  "received wisdom." You will most likely be scolded on some level if you actually put them into practice. But they are critical nonetheless. 

And on that note, you always have to ask yourself, if someone is scolding you, what is their angle? What are they getting out of shaming you? Because healthy adults don't find fault with other adults. They just don't. They live their lives and mind their own business. If someone is causing them problems they find mature adult ways to deal with it. Self-righteous scolding, shaming, censuring, especially if they are hypocritically doing the things they're scolding others for, are not those ways. 

They don't shame children either. They guide by example. They help. They do themselves, mind their own business and deal with the board in their own eye. But that's what our dysfunctional and dark tetrad parents never did. They humiliated and scorned us. They blamed us for their bad choices. They were raging hypocrites with endless double standards. You don't have to show up for shaming. You can just walk away. So on to the rule-breaking. That's the first one. 

Ignore "helpful" advice that hurts. Read the red flags it's putting up. Learn to recognize the smug, self-righteous shaming it is. Even if it just feels a little blame-shaming. If you've lived with cruel, manipulative, arrogant, psychopathic dark tetrads, you've lived with enough of that already. In fact, you probably are so used to it that you don't see it for the abuse it is. 

Retaliate. Yes I just said that and I didn't stutter. You will hear that it's wrong, that you're lowering yourself to their standards, yada yada. That two wrongs don't make a right and other toxic positivity. You've probably told yourself to be the bigger person because you've heard this nonsense for so long. But the people who are saying such tripe have not lived under a dark tetrad parent's reign of terror. What they are preaching are rules of engagement for fair fights which this is not.  Sometimes the only way to stop destructive behavior is to fight fire with fire. To burn bridges and then get the hell out of Dodge. But having said that, 

Define terms yourself. And so as you might imagine, what you'll hear is retaliating actually isn't. What I mean by it is to fight back and quit rolling over for abuse. Get out of the path of Hurricane Dark Tetrad and seek shelter. Cut them out of your life as soon as is humanly possible. You will be told by them and their flying monkeys that this is cruel punishment. Because they want you enslaved to them and hating yourself. They get off on your misery. So pay them back by, 

Trust yourself. See the red flags for what they are. We poor kids of dark tetrad parents have been hoodwinked into thinking we are broken and should not trust ourselves. That we should let them push us around and hurt us because they're entitled to. All my life I've driven my little life car right past barricades and stop signs into hellish danger. BECAUSE THEY TOLD ME TO. They groomed me to hurt myself and let others hurt me. My husband has marveled at how much pain I endured without even realizing what they were doing. 

Disrespect and disobey them. They aren't your parents if they are hurting you. They are nasty, exploitative bullies. Real loving parents protect their children from people like this. Respecting them is disrespecting yourself. Obeying their haughty demands is harming you. Being disloyal to dangerous people is a good thing. 

Break confidences. Don't keep their dirty secrets anymore. Tell your side of the story.  Get help.  And if the first person you tell doesn't listen, keep talking till you find someone who does. If they gaslight you, cut them out too. Tell a compassionate person that too, that you tried to get help and were shamed for it. I'm better at telling you than doing it myself. Because it's too late for me. I just powered through and kept it all inside where it toxified into suicidal self-shaming and gaslighting. But please, don't wait till you're 60 years old to get out and get help. If you need someone to tell you that you deserve better, please let it be me.

Be vindictive. Vindicate means to make right. To clear someone of blame. These boundary crashers have been trampling all over you and your right to love and care. They've blamed you for their bad actions. They've stolen your personhood and cheated you out of all good things. Get your own self back. Put them in their place and get them out of yours. Take back what they took. Vindicate yourself by setting right what they wronged. 

Punish them. Again, it's not actual punishment. That's what they'll whine that you're doing but it's actually just holding them accountable to consequences of their behavior. It's not tolerating or cleaning up their messes anymore. The only way to stop them is to stop them. If they're depriving you, tell someone. If they've stolen from you, demand it back. Take them to court if need be. If they're abusing you, tell someone who can help you and and enforce those consequences. One of the many abusive things my mom and stepdad did was to kick me out at 16. And continue living off my child support. I spent my life thinking I deserved it. I didn't. And I should have told someone in authority because they'd have done the things I couldn't about it. And if they couldn't fix it, at least they'd have reassured me that it wasn't my fault, that parents can't legally and shouldn't morally evict minor kids. They'd have saved me some of the shame.

There are more rules to break but I've exhausted myself. Suffice it to say that most of what we've learned or been told by dark tetrad parents and their flying monkeys, was wrong. So doing the opposite is usually a safe bet. 

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Healing from dark tetrad parent abuse means doing wrong and breaking rules

 Hello my dear friends. I'm working to heal CPTSD from a lifetime of abuse and neglect by narcissistic dark tetrad parents. And today I'm exploring how getting myself better means breaking rules and doing wrong and breaking rules. Yes I said do wrong intentionally. Not harm, wrong. Normal rules of right and wrong, good and bad didn't apply to us. We were told right was wrong and allowing bad things to happen to us was right and good. We lived with chaos, abuse, exploitation, neglect. We were raised by cruel, arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, hostile bullies not parents. These people subjected us to abnormal double standards. And since conventional rules didn't apply, we can't be held to conventional expectations. We have to go against traditional behavioral expectations. We can't afford to continue trying to live by one set of rules while being subjected to completely different ones. It fragments us and fractures our minds trying to live in two worlds simultaneously.

In order to make any kind of headway in the fight against CPTSD and childhood trauma, we have to do things we were taught were wrong. We have to stop doing their selfish version of right because it's wrong and is killing us. We have to break rules and glass ceilings. We have to break free from the crippling bondage of narcissistic parent enmeshment and enslavement. We have to rebel against sick and dangerous demands and expectations. We have to reconceive preconceived notions about right and wrong. We have to reinvent ourselves, our trauma responses, our behavior to healthier, saner and safer. 

How do we do this? Well, it's a Herculean task for sure. Here are some things I've begun doing to that end but they are only the beginning.

Question everything. Consider that because so many things they said were deceitful lies, everything was fallacy. 

Challenge everything. Re-examine everything we learned at the hands of these bullies. 

Fight and keep fighting. Fight with all our might against every wicked, nasty thing they groomed us to do, gaslit us into believing, conned us into accepting, allowed to happen to us, stood by while we suffered and inflicted on us. 

Disobey. Dark tetrad parents sell you a bill of goods that obedience to them is the be-all-end-all. In my case that meant not only blind, dumb enslavement to my biological parents but both of their new, equally selfish, demanding, arrogant and screwed up partners. They actually equated subservience to them as obedience to God. As if they were gods. So now I have to disobey them (and their voices in my head) to get myself to a healthier place and to obey the real God who says have no other gods before me. 

Throw the baby out with the bath water. Because so many things they did to us were vindictive, self-indulgent, spiteful and hurtful, we have to accept that maybe it all was. We have to discard everything and start over from scratch. 

Quit sorting the non-existent pepper from the fly crap. We've been shamed by our parents and even by society that "they're your parents. There must have been some good times." As if that would make up for years of abuse. So we've searched our minds and hearts for those little crumbs that weren't there. We accepted unacceptable as our lot in life. 

Blame them. We're told blame is wrong. But all our lives they blamed us for their problems. They lied and said we did bad things we didn't. They nitpicked and found fault  with us and excused and exonerated themselves in outrageously awful behavior. They put the spotlight on us so we'd be hypervigilant and focus only on all the bad we were supposedly doing and ignore all the bad they were actually doing. We don't have the luxury of observing the niceties anymore. We've suffered under the mantle of unearned blame and it's killing us.  If blame is being apportioned, it's time to put the responsibility back where it belongs. 

Be disloyal. They were never loyal to us. They humiliated, ridiculed and sucker punched us. But we have been told that two wrongs don't make a right so we have to be loyal despite  they're being so disloyal. We have to "be the change" be dependable, be what they aren't,  in hopes of, what? Making selfish adults act responsibly? Is that going to somehow compensate for their betrayal of us? In their minds, yes. They literally believe that they can do whatever they want. They are entitled to take credit for all the good we do. They live through us. They bind us to rules they don't follow.  They reap the benefits of what we have sown. And us allowing this and doggedly persevering in giving them good,  only reinforces their entitlement. We have to break promises and quit making them to dishonest, backstabbing people. 

Break faith. We have to stop being so reliable and trustworthy to people who are reliably unreliable, unavailable, unapproachable, untrustworthy and faithless to us. People who told us we were untrustworthy when we were too trustworthy and too trusting. Too dependable. Too available. To those Who never showed up for us. We have to stop throwing good money after bad. We have to start showing up for ourselves. 

Jet it. Cut ties to people who've bound us to them and then cut us adrift when it suited. When something is broken beyond repair sometimes you have to let it go. We've been in the relationship salvage business far too long. When there was no relationship to salvage. There was only hurt and suffering for us. We can no longer afford to waste years of our life trying to fix what they broke. We owe them nothing. End of. 

I know, it's exhausting. I'm tired just thinking about it. 

Dealing with immature adult behavior by relearning childhood trauma responses

 Hello my friends! I'm on vacation visiting seven of our 12 grandchildren. My partner doesn't do vacations well at the best of times. The addition of a lot of clamoring children doesn't help. Don't get me wrong. He's hard-working, loving and good with the kids. He does not do stress well. And as we all know vacations are one big stress package deal. Which he has gotten accustomed to leaving me to deal with. And then often whining, yes actually pouting and throwing a tantrum like a petulant preteen about choices and decisions he has left me to make. Or about circumstances beyond my control that I'm trying to fix under pressure. Like a flight delay and having to decide whether to get on another flight to avoid missing a connection. 

He weaponizes incompetence, pretending not to have heard people or understand what they are talking about. And then demands that I explain to him slowly in teeny tiny baby steps using the voice I would use for a child and being completely patient with him. All while trying to navigate airline customer support, waiting on hold, trying to understand them, dealing with unhelpful gate agents, switching flights and then gates, figuring out boarding passes etc.  He gets petulant with me over gate agent's intractable or rude behavior but doesn't address them. He claims to be upset with her but takes it out on me and is sweet as pie to her. 

He whines that he "doesn't get it" and then demands that I go over it again. He interrupts to ask stupid questions (yes there are stupid questions) as I'm on the phone trying to sort the mess out.  I don't understand what the hell I am doing let alone being capable of explaining it to him who goes out of his way to be obtuse, decrying technology and how things were better in the olden days. Of which he knows nothing because he was never in an airport when he was young let alone on an airplane. 

Then factor in them not sending us a boarding pass and the nasty gate agent refusing to give me one when I can prove to her that I have tickets. She tells me to just get in the wait to get it sorted line while she is literally boarding the plane we are supposed to be on. She is clearly not dealing with the people in line which is for people who don't have tickets who  are just trying to get on this plane and who won't let us in line to just get the freaking boarding pass because they want our seats. Husband obediently does as gate agent says and yells at me to also get in her "go nowhere" line. As the plane flies off without us. Fortunately or not, I'm loudmouthed and keep pestering till another gate agent comes over, sees we have tickets, prints them as she's telling him not to let anyone else on. We make it just as the gates are about to close. (I did permit myself a smirk of satisfaction to hear him scolding her as we scoot past for not helping us.)

This happened to several of us by the way. We only got on this second flight because I don't back down. At least six people were left in the same predicament as the plane flew away. And husband is still nagging me to ask what we are supposed to do as I'm almost dragging him down the loading tunnel. And is still arguing with me. As if he knows anything all about what is going on. He who has paid no attention, stuck his head in the sand and feigned ignorance, who loudly proclaimed that he doesn't get it and harassed me to keep explaining it when he has no intention of trying to understand, is perfectly confident to quarrel with me about how to handle it. We probably would still be sitting at the airport a week later if it were up to him. LOL. 

When we finally get on the plane, he's suddenly all rosy sunshine because he got his way. He got to act like a entitled, spoiled brat and Mommy fixed it for him. There were no consequences for his actions. His happy ass was  not left sitting at the airport as his behavior warranted (and has warranted in times past). And not only that he got to preen himself that he was actually helpful because he asked ex post facto, if he could do anything to help. After being a completely useless thorn in my side who only made a terrible situation worse. 

So that is just one example narcissistic and immature adult behavior which would be difficult enough to deal with. But add to it that I was raised by narcissistic dark tetrad parents who behaved immaturely and irresponsibly toward me. Who parentified me and made me as a child take care of them, their new partners after they divorced and their new kids, as if I were the parent. In short, I'm used to catering to selfish,  manipulative, arrogant, demanding, backstabbing childish adults. I default to placating, humoring and fixing everyone's self-made problems. And am punished for the privilege. 

So, now, where does that leave me now. Still humoring and placating. Still solving their problems. It's all I know. And I gaslit myself because they have gaslit me, that I'm letting everyone down if I don't wait on them hand and foot. That I'm a worthless, nuisance failure unless I'm serving. And even all the serving and caregiving isn't good enough because they are so demanding, lazy and entitled that nothing ever satisfies them. They made me believe that there's always room for improvement when I was doing something. They found fault with every choice I  made. They instructed and pontificated on shit they knew nothing about. They said I was attention-seeking if I asked for approval (which was never forthcoming). They groomed me to think they owed me nothing. That I was the one being selfish if I expected basic care that all children need, from them. That I owed them everything. The double standards were off the charts outrageous. 

And I brought all those dysfunctional-in-normal-life but critical for survival of chaotic life trauma responses with me. I kept on placating, humoring and caregiving adults. And husband got very used to expecting it. So does this  mean I brought this on myself. That I showed him how to treat me and he's just doing what I allow? No. Healthy, kind adults don't treat people badly no matter how much the person might be willing to allow. Healthy, kind adults feel empathy and compassion for abused traumatized people and treat them better than they've come to expect because of it. Adults take responsibility for their actions and choices. They do not blame-shift, find fault with, manipulate and take advantage of others' generosity or care. They help other people be their best selves. They do not do things that trigger harmful coping responses of others. 

And that is what my husband does. Maybe without realizing it, I don't know. But he exploits all my weaknesses and pokes all my sore spots when the mood strikes.  I will say at his worst he's never been as bad as what they were at their best. And if you thought, after reading the airport nightmare that they must have been pretty bad, you would be right. Because he, at some point, will realize that how awful his behavior and admit it and they never did. He's never cruel or nasty. But that doesn't make it any easier. Because regardless, he is still taking advantage of me and causing me to respond in ways he knows I will to give him what he wants.  

But I also can't wait for someone else to stop being demanding, manipulating and exploiting me. I have to find a way to stop trauma responding, accepting unacceptable behavior, humoring adults like children and enabling him to continue. If he won't treat me better, I have to treat me better. Having said all that, I'm not entirely sure how to do that. I think it begins with allowing logical consequences and not being a human bumper. And ignoring the whining and just carrying on doing what I believe is best. If he makes a fool of himself, I can't help it. I think I need to stop JADE-justifying, arguing, defending and explaining. 

I need to accept that just because he asks a question doesn't mean I have to have an answer or even give one. I get to choose what I do just as others choose what they do. I don't  have to be perfect to compensate for others' atrocious behavior. If he doesn't like it, oh well. I can't  help that.  Just because he needs something doesn't mean I have to provide it unless it is in my best interests also and not just to keep the peace. There will never be peace with people like this. And peace at any price is no peace at all.  I have to do me.  I have to take care of  myself. I  have to help myself. If in so doing it helps someone else, fine. But this helping others by hurting myself, this giving away too much and receiving too little, must stop. I don't know how but  it has too because I can't, won't and should not tolerate any more. It is death by a thousand cuts. 

Healing relationships by rooting out CPTSD triggers from dark tetrad parent abuse

 Hello my friends! I have some good news to share from the healing CPTSD front. I got in a fight with my husband. LOL so how's that good news, you're asking. It's a step forward for me because I realized that it was triggered by memories of abuse by my narcissistic dark tetrad parents. And by rooting out those triggers, I was able to understand how I completely misunderstood what my husband was saying. I heard his words as my dad and mom, stepmom and stepdad would have said them which was harsh, judgmental, hypocritical and shaming. 

I realize that I have done this all throughout our time together. I have played out the childhood trauma drama on the stage of our relationship because it was safer than dealing with my perpetrator parents. I  have allowed (maybe even forced) myself to think that the problems were with me and husband by association because that's what my parents always said. They found all kinds of fault with me and then when I married, us. There was constant criticism and little affirmation. I see now that this was to keep me focused on my failings (real or invented) and then hypervigilant and anxious. And not paying attention to how awful they were to me. Also husband was safer to fight with.  He loves me,  has my best interests at heart and wants unity. We are evenly matched. They didn't want the best for me. They were enmeshed, arrogant, self-centered, exploitative, sadistic and cruel bullies. 

It was never a fair fight with them. They backstabbed, ambushed, humiliated, blame-shifted, manipulated, triangulated, scapegoated and punished. I know that  NOW. I didn't then. I just thought I was the fault and they were right to do any abusive thing they wanted. So I just gave in and let them. And so today, I'm exploring how critical it is in healing both CPTSD and relationship issues, to source and examine the narcissistic dark tetrad parents abuse triggers. 

So in the recent fight, my husband and I were discussing some political issues. I made a statement of beliefs which my husband has also made. But he seemed to immediately contradict them when I said it and then scold me for saying it. Like it was okay for him to do and say these things but not me. That's what I heard because that is exactly how my parents and their partners have always treated me: with scorn, derision and shaming for things I said or did. EVEN things they themselves said and did. 

If I did something "wrong" (which I have to put in quotes because I'm not sure now if it was wrong or just them saying it was to humiliate me) they would seize on it and make a federal case out of it. They would publicly mock and embarrass me. They looked for things to criticize me for. They lied and said I did things I didn't. Even though they did the same things to me. I was blamed, belittled and attacked for things they approved their other kids doing. There were two very different sets of rules and the double standards were off the charts. 

So when my  husband seemed to do this to me it felt very familiar. Not comfortable mind you. It set off all the old feelings of shame, frustration, confusion, self-disgust and anxiety. And some new ones that I'd only just recognized as always being there but  not being safe to show: righteous anger, resentment and exasperation. I told him I'm sick of being told off, told I'm wrong all the time. I'm not a child who needs discipline. I've had enough of being patronized, condescended to, purposely misunderstood. I'm tired of my motives being questioned and undermined, of what I say being twisted.  I've had it with being corrected, like I'm too stupid to think for myself or hold my own ideas. Especially when I'm saying the same thing he is. 

And then it hit me. That's exactly what I want to say to these people who call themselves my parents. It's not him, it's them. I have had enough of their nonsense for a long time now. I hate how it's made me a cringing, fearful, groveling people pleaser. I loathe how it's robbed my confidence, identity and self-esteem. I despise how all their shaming has rendered me unable to protect myself. And I thought, enough is enough. It ends here. 

And then that led me to realize how I've often misunderstood him because I'm so accustomed to being  mistreated. I'm used to being second-guessed, blamed, faulted, set up, betrayed and used. I realized that I'm used to it because it happened all the time. It's all I know and I just expect it. When I stopped to re-examine what he actually said, I was shocked at how wrong I'd gotten it. He was saying just the opposite of what I thought. I had cut him off because I just couldn't take one more hypocritical attack. Once I let him explain it all made perfect sense. He was agreeing and affirming me but since criticism is all I know, I just assumed he was faulting me too. And sadly but also somewhat happily I see that I've done this all our life. I'm happy I finally got it but sad it took me 43 years to do so. Such is the brain damage of CPTSD.