Hello my friends. I had yet another awful trauma nightmare from dark tetrad parent abuse last night. And when I woke, after the fear and panic subsided, I was left wondering about forgiveness. Why are we so preoccupied with forgiving abuse, neglect, endangerment, exploitation, invalidation, gaslighting, malicious spite, violence, abandonment? Why are we in such an all-fired hurry to forgive cruelty we've lived with all our lives and sometimes only began to recognize as abuse when we are senior citizens? Why are we so worried about our abusers and not more concerned with understanding and healing the damage they inflicted on us? Why is everything about what's best for them?
The answers to those questions are simple. And they are some of the reasons we ARE so damaged. Everything has always been about what is best for them. And very often that was what was dead worst for us. Forgiving isn't to heal us, though we're gaslit into believing it is. Forgiving as it's generally understood is about protecting abusers and giving them licence to abuse.
I'm going to explain, or attempt to, why I now believe that rushing to forgive abuse might be one of the most dangerous things you can do. I recognize that this flies in the face of conventional wisdom but if you'll hear me out, I think it will make sense.
Let's begin by understanding the very unilateral nature of the relationship between scapegoat child and dark tetrad parents. The child does not exist as a person. She is only a tool, a pawn, a cat's paw. She does the heavy lifting and they do the tying of rocks to her back. The scapegoat child of dark tetrad parents must ALWAYS put her parents first. No matter how neglectful, hurtful, mean and nasty they are. No matter that they have always excluded us from good and reserved bad for us. And it gets worse. We do this BECAUSE they have been so awful. They pirated our selves and groomed us to feel worthless, lifeless servants. They broke us for normal, healthy life.
Everything is ALWAYS about them. They come first, last and always. So why would they not weaponize even their abuse for pity? Why would they not expect mercy when they neither show it nor feel remorse? Why would they not weaponize their child's guilt and shame that they planted in her to their own ends? That's a dark tetrad's M.O. Expect, demand, take, pirate, steal, cheat, lie and distort.
And the M.O. of their victim child is to obey, comply, give in, give them what they demand, be a doormat for abuse. It was dangerous for her NOT to be these things. And if they are "religious" dark tetrads, oh so much the worse. Now they have an entire arsenal for abuse in scripture which they wield like Commandos. And what does scripture say we are to do with those who persecute us? Forgive them.
And we who have suffered at the hands of dark tetrad parents are so very good at forgiving. They don't have to apologize or even ask. They're not sorry. They're never wrong. Anything they do wrong is someone else's fault. Which, to a non abuse-brain damaged person, will sound paradoxical because it is. If they aren't sorry and think they've done no wrong why do they also demand forgiveness? Because they want it all. I didn't see that then but I do now. And that leads me to the conclusion that forgiving a dark tetrad in the commonly understood definition is like handing them an ICBM.
So first, let's play detective and ask some W questions? Who is the victim, who is the perpetrator and who is pushing forgiveness? The narcissist will paint herself as victim, always. Even, and this is so laughable, when SHE is the one who did the hurting. On purpose, willfully. She somehow manages to both accuse her victim and excuse herself. So let's just establish that she is not the victim but the perpetrator.
Now, who is pushing forgiveness and why are they? Well, the victim child doesn't need to because that is her default response anyway: exonerate, expunge, excuse everything bad thing mommy and daddy do. The ones pushing forgiveness are people who have not been hurt by the dark tetrad. They are impartial judges: priests, ministers, counselors, other family members, favored siblings, flying monkeys. They freely dispense "wisdom" and advice which costs them nothing. They don't want to know the actual circumstances of abuse. They are curiously blind, silent and ignorant when it is happening.
They don't know jack shit about the hell the dark tetrad has forced on the child. And care even less. But yet they feel entitled to shame, pass judgement and dictate what the victim "should do" about it. What is right and correct and good and Godly, in their opinion. What is good for the child, no one gives a fat rat's ass about. No one lifts a finger to help with the chaos and devastation the dark tetrad has wreaked. And ballsyest of all, if and when the poor kid finally gives in to the despair her parents have pushed her into, everyone wags scolding fingers at HER! They just keep pratting at her to forgive, suck up, ignore, bend over for more crap.
Why do they do this? I have no clue. I don't' think or act like this. It's disgusting. I believe it has to do with them feeling a sense of self-righteousness with their holy-sounding cant. But what they don't stop to consider is how they are playing right into the dark tetrad's hands.
The dark tetrad manipulates and gloats over this and how. The sanctimonious preachers have just handed them plateful of reasons to continue abusing unchecked. They've been confirmed in their arrogant supremacy. Literally, no one and nothing can touch them. Not even God. He just smiles benevolently on it all, the victim child believes. Her persecutors are free to do as they wish with complete immunity. It's all the kid's responsibility. She the fault and the cause and the one expected to fix. She has clean herself up after they shit on her, dig her own grave and make it all alright for the parents. And bonus added, she has to feel guilty to them for her brokenness and thank them for the privilege of being hurt by them.
Am I saying not to forgive? Yeah, sure am. And further more, I think God is saying this as well. Not in the traditional way, that is. Forgiveness is not condoning, ignoring or approving. I do not think God wants abused children no matter how old they are, to allow self-centered people to continue to hurt them. That is devil's work. It's certainly not good for us, our soul or our healing. How can we heal if our abusers have been given dispensation to continue ripping our wounds open?
I think it's time to put the horse before the cart with dark tetrads. It's NOT about what they deserve, are entitled to or demand. It's about what they are expected to do. As per scripture, God expects the dark tetrad to humble themselves, renounce wickedness, confess what they have done to their child, to the child, not just "in their heart" or their stupid little prayer closets. Closets hide a lot of wickedness and have a lot to answer for, just saying.
God holds us all, including the dark tetrad to rules and regulations. They are not above it all and He warns them not to think they are. They are required to "leave their gift at the altar and go make it right with whomever they hurt." And change their ways. I don't think the child is expected to do anything but accept that it happened and try to heal. That is genuine forgiveness. Maybe it also involves not taking revenge. But that's a slippery slope because the dark tetrad has the victim so shamed that she thinks anything she does to protect herself is revenge. Remember how everything is about them and what "hurts" them?
But the chances of dark tetrads actually feeling remorse and making confession are nil. They want all the perks with none of the work. So it seems to me that forgiving isn't healthy for the dark tetrad either. Encouraging them to arrogantly think they are beyond God's law is a one-way trip south. And that's how we got in this situation in the first place. That's how we got so wounded.
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