Hi friends. Yesterday I shared things I've learned from people who didn't live under dark tetrad parents' collective thumb. Today I'm explaining why adult children of narcissists have to write their own rules and why they will probably look crazy or even selfish or bad. Let's begin by dissecting polarities children of dark parents lived with, as the first step to understanding my contradictory approach.
Dichotomous thinking vs. nuanced thinking. Kids of dark tetrad parents were raised with polarization, dichotomies, extremist and catastrophic thinking and behaviors and oversimplified generalizations. Life was black or white, good or bad, pure or tainted, holy or evil, obedient or disobedient, loyal or unfaithful, right or wrong. In my case, I was led to believe I was bad, us and them, evil, wrong, tainted and black and "them" while everyone else was good, right, pure white, obedient, faithful, holy and "us." There were no graduations or gray or nuances and certainly no rainbows. That was wicked and ungodly, supposedly. Even writing these posts, I tend to use polarized words. But then they pair all that with...
Deceit, Deception, duplicitousness, distortion, disguise and deviousness but not delusions. Narcissist dark tetrads aren't just delusional. In fact they're not truly delusional at all. They are self-promotionally deceptive which is very different. They pose as righteous, holy, moral etc. They arrogantly expect others will believe they are these things. But they blatantly do not live it. That's the entitlement. They may act any way they wish but others must respect and treat them as paragons. Which of course, leads to
Double standards that change constantly. They have this insanely crazy-making habit of confusing the hell out of people, especially their children with their audacious double speak and act. They will confidently do some outrageous thing and then just as confidently lie and accuse you of doing it. But you didn't get the memo that they are above it all and that rules don't apply to them. Very often they aren't even real rules and definitely not God's. They are the dark tetrad's made up protocol that YOU have to live by. And they change it randomly, to keep you on your toes and afraid. Which of course is absolutely mind-imploding for a child. Because...
Nothing bloody fits. Nothing works. The child is constantly out of place, in the wrong and has no idea why. Just when I thought I knew what they wanted and expected, BAM! it flipped and I was disappointing them again. I couldn't even ask what to do because I should just know nor if I got it right because that was prideful. They had a comeback for everything. I guess I was supposed to just keep hopping till I fell. And then apologize and beg to be told how I could fix it though I was the one with cuts and bruises. My behavior didn't even fit with people outside the dark tetrad's cult. People don't understand why I am so baffled, clumsy, self-abasing, ashamed and desperately eager to please. I just look awkward and freakish. So the only conclusion left to the child is that she is...
Not good enough. I was set to impossible tasks which most adults couldn't or wouldn't do. The list of expectations was endless. I was both parentified and infantilized. I was left to care for all their kids then scolded and punished for not doing it perfectly. There was no winning. Being too agreeable only got me more demands. Groveling earned me annoyance. If I tried it wasn't hard enough, if I tried too hard it was showing off. If I asked for help, I was lazy. If I sighed or didn't look happy enough, I was rebelling. If I didn't do it fast enough, I was disobedient. If I succeeded, I was arrogant. Finally I had to face that...
All is futile. Well, all I did was futile. No matter how hard I tried and I tried very hard. Their black or white thinking meant that it was either or. Either I failed or didn't. There was no learning curve. Just a right angle. But I could never tell the difference because I never heard good job. Ever. And then couple that with the fact that their arrogance said they were always right. So any normal thing that seemed to contradict was blown up into something unthinkably wicked. It's made me miserable, hopeless and nihilistic. Why would I even try when all I do is wrong? But yet I have, only for the wrong reasons. Because...
They are invincible, omniscient, omnipotent, perfect and basically gods. They had only to touch something and it turned to gold. It didn't. But they were very convincing. Today I fancy myself a minister with no formal training and poof, so others usher me to the pulpit where I will tell enlighten them on their sins. Dating a 17 y/o at 36 (with a child) is pedophilia for others, not me. Hooking up with a married man is adultery except when I do it, it's mission work because his wife is mean. Abortion is wrong for others but not for me. Moving my boyfriend is God's will and you have to obey him because I say so. The child is stuck in a loop of hypocrisy and confusions so
Nothing is right-side up Everything is distorted. Up is down. Wrong is right. Morals, rules, expectations are for other people. It's like living in a parallel universe where everything is opposite, upside down and backwards. There's no way out of this loop. Even God is not what He is to other people. He's is not Love to a child of dark tetrad parents but scorn and shame. Because they have made themselves gods and blocked the real one from the child. Only she doesn't know that and just assumes it's yet another thing that's one way for others and another for her.
Now, you can see that this is all so wrong. But I couldn't till a few years ago. They are that good. I can see that it's going to take a long time to fix the earthquake damage from these dark tetrads. And is seems to me that one of the first ways is to begin turning things right side round. I need to get perspective and an fresh outlook away from the gaslighting lies of the one I was given. What I need is a new set of healthier rules. And since nothing fit and rules didn't apply, they still don't.
Healing childhood trauma like this won't be done by using a traditional toolset. It looks very different because it always was. I suspect that I may get some scolding from those who don't understand. So I'll have to begin minding the red flags God (the real one) sets up for me. I need to learn and use skills of self-care, protecting boundaries and listening to the Holy Spirit in my heart.
No comments:
Post a Comment