Hello my friends. Last month I covered some of the many normal things dark tetrad parents fubar for their kids. And there are more, but some are just too sick to write about. Maybe I will later, but for now, I haven't the stomach. So starting in April, I am writing a series on what it's like to live with CPTSD (complex or childhood post-traumatic stress disorder). Mine came from being raised by four narcissistic dark tetrad parents (two bio and their new spouses whom I used to call stepparents but now don't). Today we explore what CPTSD looks like from the outside and then why that is from the inside.
Fearful, jumpy, cringing CPTSD is an emotional disorder but it's physical as well. Many of the scars are internal but there are external ones too. Ever see someone who seems inordinately jumpy and nervous? Does she fawn-smile, laugh at everyone's jokes no matter how stupid, smooth feathers a lot, apologize for everything and nothing and hunch herself into the smallest space possible? There's a good chance she's got childhood trauma issues. CPTSD sufferers have lived with constant firing on. They have lived in war zones not homes. They've been everyone's target. Does we look ridiculous, nearly wetting ourselves when a balloon pops? If you said yes, then maybe you should try living our lives. See how strong and brave you are.
Subservient, acquiescent, cowering We get accused of being cowardly suck ups. Usually by big strong gun-slinging men who fancy themselves fearless. Or good "Christian" women who self-righteously and condescendingly accuse us of lacking faith. And who obviously have not lived with the shit we have. All we know is placating, groveling and people pleasing (or attempting to, no one in our lives was ever is). It was dangerous as hell not to agree to everything. I lost my home when I came in an hour late. Think of what would happen if I'd stood up to them. By 7, I'd been through things that most adults only see in horror movies. And I had no weapon strapped to my side. So hell yeah we suck up. We had to use whatever was at hand to survive. And that was our rigid, groveling hoop-hopping. So we're adults now? So what? Outgrowing this fear is nigh on impossible.
Shame-face We look embarrassed, uncomfortable and worn out, because we are. We exhausted from constantly being "on call" to dark tetrad parents. We're ashamed of being such failures and let downs to our parents. We have been routinely humiliated by adults and placed in invidious, awkward and dangerous situations with creepy people. We've seen our parents do shockingly immoral, irresponsible and disturbing things. We've been left alone to just cope with no help. We're afraid to admit that any of this goes on. We've been gaslit to think that no one will believe us. We've been told we're liars that exaggerate to show off. Or that we're disloyal if we don't keep mommy's and daddy's (stepmommy's , mommy's boyfriend's) dirty secrets. We take all their ick on us like it's us doing it not them and our fault, not theirs.
Too others-focused We treat others like royalty and ourselves like crap. We kick ourselves to the curb if you tell us to. Since we took on all our parents' crap we take on everyone else's too. We bend ourselves to buffer and humor. We cushion the from fallout of your actions. We feel guilty for your bad choices and take punish for them. We don't know where you stop and we begin. We lay down so you can walk over us. We are all for you, even if none is for us. We ask all the time "are you okay?" and agonize over anything we may have done to offend you. If you are a dark tetrad, we're putty in your hands. Fortunately, I've landed with new people who don't take advantage and who are trying to help me see how dangerous this is for me to do.
Too patient then BLAM! We take and take and take crap and give and give and give good. We absorb and internalize others' shame and guilt till we're saturated and spilling over. We have emotional leprosy and can't feel pain till we've damaged ourselves. And sometimes not even then. That's because all we feel is pain so we don't know what it is anymore. We don't dare admit, let alone show the intense frustration we feel. So it bottles up and then a random thing pushes it up and out. We blow up and dysregulate. But since no one sees the provocation from years of silent suffering, it looks like we're just idiots. We get ridiculed and shamed. We look out of control because we are. Others have pirated control of our lives and keep us dancing on strings that we don't see. When they pull too hard, the string snaps. And we lose it all over the shop. And then feel even more guilty and sorry and pathetic.
If any of this sounds attention-seeking, well, just you come on over and give our lives a try. You'll see how real it is. I wouldn't wish CPTSD on my worst enemy if I even had one. No one asks for this kind of pain. Even a masochist would run screaming.
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