Hi friends. I'm so overwhelmed by CPTSD and shame that I'm having trouble doing much of anything today. It makes me realize how this has always been this way. I've lived in a free fall of self-doubt, confusion and pain put on my by four narcissistic dark tetrad parents. I might not appear that broken because I'm good at faking and a great actress. But I am. There is so much stupidly simple shit that I can't do because I was either not taught how, told right was wrong and wrong was right or punished for doing it. Stuff like...
Make decisions. I can't make up my mind on little stuff because I was always told I was wrong. "Leaning on my own understanding" was my dad's Bible quote of choice. Which apparently was bad even though he always did everything his way. He was a great one for misquoting the Bible and setting others to burdens he didn't feel applied to him.
Do something without being afraid. I'm always afraid I'm doing something wrong. I'll offend someone. Or anger them. Innocent things have routinely come back to bite me with a vengeance. I've been sucker punched so many times my ribs are damage. I can't even breathe right. People have gotten angry with me a lot and I've always struggled to know why. And why they are so angry. Because usually the things I've supposedly done were things THEY are doing and claim are right. I've concluded that right is wrong from me and wrong is right for them. So very confusing.
See good in anything about me. I don't want to be arrogant (chance would be a fine thing) but it would help alleviate the suicidal shame if I could feel good about something. And it would help me know right from wrong. But if you're always wrong, what then?
Sort anything out. How can I be all they said I was at the same time? Too selfish and lazy and yet doing all their work? Too sensitive (to their endless criticism) and too critical of them when I never said anything to them and excused everything they did? How? How the fuck could I be both? Too entitled when I didn't have a damn bed? Too demanding when I had no time to myself from so many chores? Too lazy when I couldn't wake up in the morning from trauma dreams? Too "heavy" and needing to lighten up? Lighten up on what? Chores? Duties? Or lighten up on them, more like. Allow them to continue exploiting me and not make them feel guilty for being so demanding and cruel.
Have a hobby or interests. Every single hobby or interest I had, they managed to mock, belittle, deny me or ruin for me. I couldn't do after school activities because chores and childcare. And then he moved us so far away I was stuck in the middle of nowhere. I had to walk to school a mile to school because no one could be bothered to give me a ride. I had to accept rides with creeps if I wanted to do anything. No one knew nor cared. And I had to get to school early and stay late to work to have money for necessities. My dad gave me toys that were actually for his sons and which I had to play with, with them, when I was 14. My dad made fun of my singing, calling me a show off. My mother sold or gave away my stuff without telling me to get stuff for her boyfriend. They did their best to sabotage college for me not giving me a dime and then both claiming me on their taxes and jeopardizing my financial aid.
This is only the beginning. I know I've told these stories before. It boggles me how devastating this has been. So I'll probably need to tell them again, to get this shit out of my head and find a healthier place. Thanks for reading.
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