Hi friends. The more I explore how narcissistic parent abuse damages us, the more extensive I realize it is. Here's one thing to do (or not do) when dealing with narcissistic, dark tetrad abuse. This is important for dealing with any kind of narcissistic abuse (bullying, manipulation, exploitation, cruelty, harassment, humiliation, gaslighting) from anyone. And that is, quite simply, don't give away the farm.
Lol, I'll explain. What I mean is don't be too quick to back down, forgive, kiss and make up, etc. Stand your ground. Those of us who have been traumatized by bullying dark tetrad parents, want nothing more than to be accepted (by people who will never accept us, but it takes awhile to realize that). So whenever THEY hurt US, WE grovel to please THEM, the abusers. We apologize (for things they did to us), roll over, placate, humor, make excuses for and basically give away the farm. Anything to please them.
We forgive them before they're even sorry. And they're never sorry. Not really. Because these people know the narcissist song (Dayna Craig) by heart.
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
(I always add another verse) If you didn't, you have to forgive me. Bible says. (Oh they know their "rights" for sure, especially the "Christian" narcs. )
Small prob with forgiveness though. They aren't sorry. They willfully went out of their way to hurt (shame, humiliate, invalidate) because they're entitled to. And God says (there's no arrogance like Christian narcissists) YOU have to forgive them for any and all. They don't stop to explain how both could be true, they're not at fault but you have to forgive them? If they're not at fault, what's to forgive?
Well friends, that's just part of the completely self-centered world of narcissism. It's all about them and what they deserve and have a right to at your expense. Basically they have every right to break things and you have to fix them. They deserve unconditional love, respect and loyalty while they are disrespectful, disloyal and unloving.
Narcissists don't control themselves then try to control you. They will do insanely hurtful things on purpose and then feel fully justified in telling you how you have to act. Remember, it's all about them. And you, being a nice person, do forgive them, kiss and make up, etc. And do they change? Nah, they've got you right where they want you, taking all the responsibility for the relationship, being the adult, making "good choices" while they behave like immature chimpanzees throwing feces all over the place. And you just keep taking it all on yourself. You feel, because they gaslight you into feeling, guilty and the cause of the problem, etc. Well, the gas lady's here to turn off the gas.
So it is true, they can act how they want and you can't control that BUT it is also true that you can also act how you want. They don't control you, or the narrative. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to stick around. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. You can get mad and stay mad. You can leave. You can go no contact. In a chronically abusive situation, you can be as unforgiving as you want. That's between you and God.
Because, and this is important, they drew first blood, against God and you. And yes, it does matter who started it. That's not being petty like they tell you. You're not "keeping score" or ""holding grudges" or any of the other narcissistic bullshit they try to feed you. And even if you were keeping score, they'd win hands down for number of times they started shit. Because not only did they start this one, they always start it by provoking, raging, shaming, sulking, demanding, blowing things out of proportion, lying, etc. They pick fights.
And their behavior is not just between them and God. Because they are hurting you too. You staying mad (strong), not giving in, etc is only you trying to find the healthiest way to deal with it. And that may look a little non-traditional. It may not look Biblical, to someone who hasn't had to deal with it. You may get some questioning or judgement. Well, let them deal their situations as they see fit. You do you. You didn't ask for any of it.
Probably your response is actually healthier and closer to real forgiveness which is just accepting (not approving) that what happened, happened, than any sugary benediction or blessing or whatever these people envision forgiveness to be. That looks more like approval of abuse and permission to continue it. Which is good for no one.
If you stand up for yourself, be ready for the deluge. These people are good at what they do. They have an arsenal of weapons in their tiny, narrow minds. They will rant on about all you're supposed to do: be the bigger person, rise above (you know how I hate that one!), let go and let God, let it go, don't be so dramatic, don't exaggerate, they were just kidding, you're too sensitive, self-righteous gobbledygook. They are very good at telling others how they should behave without ever actually behaving that way themselves.
Because even if you did just once start something, oh be sure they will attack with both barrels and blindside you. No matter how benign it was. They were laying for you, just waiting to ambush you. You will neither hear nor see any of the moral virtues they were shoving on you. They hold grudges to their graves. Forgiveness is what they deserve, not you. How dare you be the aggressor! That their job! Because they aren't really Christians who follow God. They just weaponize the bits they like, as they do everything else, to get their way.
And then they will really be on their high horses. Because now it's a "two way street" and you're just as much at fault. Narcissists love to minimize all their abuse into a "difference of opinion" and maximize anything you do to treason and heresy! You're "picking a fight" or "bringing it on yourself" or some other nonsense. Do not believe it. Put your gasmask on and ignore it.
Do not roll over to forgive, even if they should decide to apologize. You can be pretty sure it won't be heartfelt, but just a ploy to get you to apologize so they can retain their imaginary moral high ground. They'll say they want to call a truce when there never was a fight. It was a one-way attack you had no part of. They just want to make you look like the bad guy or as bad as them.
Because let's look at what you'd accomplish if you just forgave (exonerated, excused) them and moved on? Won't that make it better? For a few minutes or a day, maybe. But then they'll be right back to their old tricks with a vengeance. Take it from someone with a lifetime habit of rolling over. It won't get better but worse. It will encourage them and reinforces their arrogant ideas of ubermensch above-it-all-ness.
Might I suggest that instead of jumping to "make peace" you remember that you didn't disrupt it in the first place? They will gaslight you and say "oh don't let it ruin the day." Well, you didn't ruin it. You're just leaving the mess they made. You're keeping it real, taking care of yourself. They created the problem, first last and always. But it's up to you to decide what you want to do about it. AND that should be what's healthiest for you. I'm not saying staying mad will lead to the best outcome for you. But then what I'm describing isn't staying mad as such. It's standing firm. Which I can assure you will lead to a better outcome than taking all the brunt on yourself.
Especially if you realize that you are probably not angry. That's their shame word for it. (Hilarious when you consider that they are anger-saturated rage-o-matics!) What you probably are is frustrated, discouraged, running on fumes and beaten down. That's a whole nother animal. And if you want solid spiritual counseling on what to do in the situation, an hateful, arrogant, vindicative narcissist probably isn't your best source.
Pretty much all they say is nonsensical, hypocritical, scornful, dismissive, self-righteous hogwash. So if you need someone to give you permission to turn a deaf ear, please, make my day and let it be me! Learn a trick called grey-rocking. It's not giving the silent treatment (though they will accuse you of that). Stony silences ends up being pouty and sullen and it won't feel good.
Grey-rock is just keeping them at arms length (growing long arms), staying casual, keeping busy and out of their way, considering the source and letting it go in one ear and out the other. It's about observing not absorbing. And not letting them goad you. Even if they're trying to engage you, wait till you are ready and it doesn't feel like baiting.
I've got a lot more to write about this and I'm learning right along with ya, my sisters and brothers!
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