Hi friends. I'm calm now after yesterday's rather upsetting day. And reviewing the problems, I see that yes, certain people were acting self-centered and biotchy, but no it wasn't personal. And then I realize, heartbreakingly how and why CPTSD from dark tetrad parent abuse, makes me personalize all nasty behavior. And everyone's issues. And how, if they don't watch themselves, others who know this about me can and do weaponize that.
First, why it's so difficult and heartbreaking. There's a trifecta of reasons. First it's sad that I had to experience narcissistic dark tetrad abuse and develop all these frigging dysfunctional trauma responses in the first place. It's also sad that people will sometimes trigger that with their similar behavior. And third that I can't separate and go into trauma mode. And fourth that I will never really be able to make people who haven't experienced it, understand. I will be forever stuck in a loop of shame, fear and trauma that I can't communicate. So yes, there are four. Bonus added misery.
You know if you've followed this blog how my dark tetrad parents abused, neglected, exploited, endangered, abandoned, invalidated, triangulated, shamed, scapegoated, infantilized, parentified and gaslit me all my life. It took me 59 years to realize that is was that bad. So to survive, I developed a bunch of weird, disturbing coping mechanisms, like freezing, blanking out, fawning, people pleasing, lying for them, covering, gaslighting myself that it didn't happen, on and on.
In my now life, I have more loving people who want to help. But they have their own issues and sometimes they spew them out onto me. Well, that's to be expected. Life isn't perfect and people aren't caricatures, hero, villain, damsel in distress, etc. We have bright and dark sides and behavior. You buy the package.
But if you're a trauma first responder like me, nothing is ever easy. You can't just ignore them or even really help because it sends all your unhealthy responses into overdrive. And not just from memories of abuse. From your dark tetrad parents' systematic brainwashing that you exist only to serve them. If they need a fall girl, which their selfish, manipulative, malignant, irresponsible, chaotic behavior often requires, it's you.
I can't detach because I was never allowed to. Hell it was dangerous not to fawn. My narcissistic dad would hint to his demanding, lazy, narcissistic wife, whenever she got pissy about something, that "maybe Mary could fix it." I was 12 and she got pissy a lot. Whenever my mom, dad or their spouses got upset, I was the target. This is how they protected their delusions of grandeur. So I had to personalize, shoulder the burden, carry the can and rush to fix, every crazy thing they put on me if I knew what was good for me.
However, my spouse (the one who sometimes acts like a narc but is generally a lovely person) did not. He was raised by parents who taught him to take care of himself. That he mattered. They empowered him to take no shit and stand up for himself. They loved him. Imperfectly, albeit (well, they were human) but they tried. And they did not put all their problems on him and expect him to fix them, like mine did. They acted like parents, not Dementors.
So we come at life from very different perspectives. I come at it armed with trauma responses that I haul out every time anyone needs them. It's what I do. Just part of my job. You're welcome. Whether you wanted it or not. You probably didn't, in fact. And you wonder why this weird lady in a firefighter hat is spraying her hose everywhere when you never called the fire dept.
Yeah, we trauma responders come on strong and often freak people out. Sorry. And that is the last sad thing I mentioned. No one who has not experienced will ever understand why. We just look like lunatics escaped from the asylum. We don't even realize how our responses are activated. And we certainly don't get that if there really is a fire, it's yours to put out or not, not ours. We just douse you down, because we always had to do, regardless of how we got burned in the process.
We have been conditioned to jump whenever they said to. We're shell shocked and exhausted from being on patrol 24/7/365. We're a mess, covered in other people's soot and ashes. And then they who conditioned us, laugh because we look so ridiculous. And gaslight us that we're (wait for the narcissist refrain) "overreacting, dramatizing, too sensitive, showing off, attention seeking, can't take a joke."
Well, as one of my wise young students once said, "calling 911 is no joke." But that's just what they've been doing to us all our lives, pulling the fire alarm for a prank. There never was a real emergency, just some petty, stupid thing they got their knickers into a twist over. And we wouldn't have been able to fix it no matter how hard we tried. But we don't know that. Nor do we know that it is not our job to put out everyone else's self-started fires. That responsibility lies with the firestarter.
So you can probably see how my willingness to put out fires I didn't start, is easily weaponized, sometimes accidentally. If someone is willing to play scapegoat, the person who really owns the problem may, if they are feeling selfish, allow her to do that. They may, if they're not careful, make her think they blame her and that she is responsible. And because she doesn't know any other role than scapegoat and because it was dangerous not to play it, she falls right into the part.
And those who have not been made to play fireman constantly do not get it. They don't feel responsible to fix everyone else's problems. They may offer assistance but they don't have that sick sense of dreadful, terrifying urgency. That pit of your stomach, sucker-punch shame that knocks the wind out of you and keeps you in chains to other people's whims. They have none of that. Thank God. It's miserable way to exist and no kind of life for anyone. Least of all a child.
They think they are spouting off and don't realize, because they don't experience it, that they are triggering the trauma responder like 4th of July. Or they won't realize it because it's convenient to have a whipping girl take on their drama. I'm sure, being human there's a bit of both. So what the whipping girl needs to do, regardless, is to step away from the pillory.
I don't owe anyone my back to stripe. I may feel chained up because my dark tetrad parents so enmeshed themselves in me as to strip me of a life of my own. But I'm not. I can put down the fire hose and take off the hat any time I wish. My dear husband said as much. He was shocked to find that I felt responsible for his issues. (He shouldn't have been but yanno, again, no one's perfect). He said, "you do know that my behavior isn't your fault, right?"
Well, no, I don't. YOU know that others' behavior isn't your fault because you were taught so. And I wasn't. Which was a good learning experience for him to maybe be a leetle more careful about making it look and sound as if he holds me responsible. To keep his own angst in check a bit more. Not just for my sake but his own.
Those who would love a trauma responder must tread carefully with her. They must step outside their experience zone and put themselves in her moccasins for a few KM. Yep that requires another blog post for sure.
Love you all.
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