Hi friends. Wow, am I on a roll today, with three posts! Lucky you (lol) I'm dealing with some very challenging button-pushing behavior from some people in my life right now. And it triggers all the trauma responses I learned as a kid. So, in hopes of avoiding dysregulation, a place I've too frequently gone, I'm going to write it out. What I'm dealing with is a ton of crazy-making, polar opposite double standards from someone who while they may not be a narcissist is giving a very good impression of one.
1) Narc can give cold shoulder but you better not grey-rock. What I mean is that they can be standoffish, rude, distant, cold, insensitive, unkind, abrasive, quite nasty all they want. But don't you dare do something which is healthy for both of you and calmly detach.
2) Narc who is rude regularly must never experience what they deem as rudeness from others. After just another difficult night with CPTSD nightmares (that I try so hard no to inflict on anyone), they start your day by waking you to scold you. You did nothing to provoke it except ask, politely, if they can shut their alarm off. The alarm they let ring for hours. But bad you, you didn't realize they were trying to shut it off because you can't see in the dark and they habitually sleep through it. You, who knows better than to do anything to upset them and always treat them with kindness. Which they know and tell others how kind you are. But they just know that you, who have no history of being confrontational, did this just to piss them off.
3) Narc is entitled to attack because they felt "defensive" when they have offensive all morning. They say (in this freaking irritating and patronizing way, as if expecting some kind of damn drum roll) "I felt defensive." As if that explains why they attacked you@#$%! Oh, well excuse me, your Lordship. What you are expected to take from this passive-aggressive comment is that you put them on the defensive. Shame on you. Why should you expect to be treated any differently, duh. Christian narc mind you, which comes to next one.
4) Christian narc who fully believes in confession of sins without making excuses, makes excuses for their behavior all the blasted time. There are protected sins, to which the laws of repentance do not apply, evidently.
5) They don't attack, you just provoked it. So which is it, you attacked or you were provoked? Either way, you still attacked.
6) I attack when you just stay quiet. They have just yelled at you for something you didn't do. Then when you opt to grey rock (stay quiet, not silent treatment, just short simple answers) you are pouting, holding grudges, being unforgiving, not backing down, etc.
7) They aren't sorry but you have to forgive. They don't back down or only nominally, not really. Because if you respond in any way, they're on the attack again. But you must forgive and by their definition which means completely overlooking whatever they did and just pasting that smile on and acting like nothing happened. Funny thing is you often do that. And that's one way they got so entitled to keep on acting this way.
8) They're very concerned about how they feel but couldn't care less about they made you feel. They pout, sulk, throw little tantrums and pity parties. It's nauseating. But then get all cold and clinical if you try to explain how you feel in response to their behavior.
9) Subjective with themselves, objective with you. They take every little thing personally that is not and then go on very personal attacks and accuse you of being over-sensitive. Translation: they don't give AF about what you feel, only themselves. It's all about them, not you.
10) They feel justified telling others off but get mad when you reasonably object to things they do. They're proud of how they don't let anyone walk on them, then walk all over you and expect you to take it.
11) Or they just change the script. They didn't mean to do anything. It wasn't like that. Or they flat out gaslight you that it never happened. You're imaging it or finding fault. Even when you calmly just try to work for resolution by sharing your point of view. You don't get a point of view till they tell you what it is.
It is exhausting.
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