Hey friends. I promised in my last post to share ways I'm learning to respond rather than react to narcissistic abuse, shaming and gaslighting. And it occurred to me that I can learn some surprisingly and contradictorily healthy responses from people who haven't lived with dark tetrad parent abuse. Or just people who've sailed safer than this failed navigator.
And before I begin, let me just say that some of these may very well sound like retaliation, making you statements, clapping back, responding in kind and other things we've been told are wrong. Well, be that as it may. They are nonetheless very helpful for those of us who have lived in the crosshairs of a narcissist parent.
We have been subjected to manipulative people's two sets of rules all our lives. We've been schooled to turn the other cheek to people abusing us. To rise above their chaos (as if). To be the bigger person, when they are being demanding, immature and small-minded. To give our cloak and tunic after they've stripped us bare. All our lives, we've heard that it doesn't matter how anyone hurts us. WE must respond perfectly lovingly at all times. While they were acting like selfish, arrogant, malignant narcissists.
And just saying, if these things are so wrong, why did Jesus do them? He clapped back at the Pharisees repeatedly. Apparently no one told him that lambasting the money-changers was "reacting in anger." Or confronting their tricksy double-speak was responding in kind or calling them "white-washed sepulchers was name-calling (tsk tsk). If it's good enough for the Savior of the Universe, it's good enough for me.
Because we didn't ask for this trauma. We didn't ask for the hypocritical double standards that were foisted on us. We weren't given support, good role models or a just set of rules. We got chaos and shoved in it. So, needs must, we might have to rewrite some different rules for ourselves. Which brings me to tool number one.
Do what I want and know that I can. Ever notice how some people go through life blatantly doing as they please regardless of anyone else? I've always thought that was unspeakably selfish. And very often it is. But I've also learned that I can do likewise. I don't HAVE to be right, perfect or even good, because some person says I have to. Especially not persons who have always done exactly as THEY pleased. And I certainly don't owe anyone service, waiting on, kowtowing or obedience. Sure it might be better for me if I do. Or I might do hurtful or wrong things. There may be consequences. But the fact remains I can. The world won't come screeching to a halt, anymore than it did all the time my parents heedlessly trampled on me. Because I can also
Lower myself to someone else's standards. Nope I didn't stutter. I can respond in kind and sometimes I have no choice but to. My parents excluded, marginalized, kicked me to the curb and shut me out of "their families" all my life. Now, I've shut them out of mine. I'm the one keeping them at arm's length. Is it retaliation? Am I being unforgiving? Who cares, it's a moot point. If they want to see it that way, I can't control it just like I couldn't control them going "no contact" with me. I call it is finally accepting that I was only useful, not loved by them. And this helps me
Be the smaller not bigger person. Do I mean small-minded? Eh, maybe? There's a lot of pain and misery cluttering this big mind of mine. So I'm ready for some smaller, safer spaces. But that's not exactly my point here. What I mean is that I've always fallen for their gaslighting bullshit about always having to be bigger and better, rise above, ignore all the crap. I've had to work harder, longer and more than everyone in their family combined. And let me tell you, it never did me any good, only harm. They don't WANT you to succeed or be better because it shows up how they've failed. So they will slap you down while at the same time setting you to unreachable standards.
Call their bluff (call them on it). I have my young neighbor to thank for this one. When someone made a nasty, cutting remark, instead of doing as I'd do and ignore (rise above, you know the drill) she said "what a strange thing to say." I cheered when she told me. If I'd have done that all the flying monkeys of hell would be on my back. Hearing her say it sounded pretty damn good. And so now, when I have another encounter with one of the shamey, holier-than-thou preachy lot I seem to attract like flies, Imma do likewise.
Turn the shaming tables. A few years ago, a priest called me out in front of the congregation (as you do) for arriving a few minutes late. I had car trouble. I didn't see it coming and he really blindsided me. He then said he could have withheld communion. I cringed (literally recoiled) and shamefully apologized. Well, that was then. If something like this ever happened I would now turn it back on him, saying "well why didn't you? Why are we having this conversation here? It's not the place for it and you are violating your vow of silence by taking this outside the confessional." Vindictive? Nope. Real.
Pick my hill and defend it. Instead of backing down when people humiliate, fault find, criticize insult, mock, abuse or shame me as I always have done, I'm going to stand my ground. I'm not looking for a fight but I'm not selling my soul to keep the peace either. Because attacks aren't peaceful. And while I don't have the bandwidth for constant policing, I am sick of absorbing their bilge and feeling ashamed all the time. So now I will
Head 'em off at the pass. Said differently, when something sounds attacking, accusatory or shaming, I'm going to call them on it. If in doubt, I'll say something like" did I just hear you correctly?" Because I'm humble enough to admit I've heard what people aren't saying (thank you, Youtuber Kris Reece for that). If I did hear them correctly, I will say something. "Mmm, I don't agree." Or "I'm sorry you feel that way. I don't." Or "I can see this worries you but it doesn't, me." Then end the conversation. And maybe contact if egregious enough.
Respond on my time. Or never if I don't want to. Especially if it's something they're trying to guilt me into doing. I gave myself a 60th birthday present of credit for being an adult and able to decide what I want to engage in and what I don't. Poor planning on someone's else's part doesn't mean and an emergency on mine.
Stop caring and say it. My husband has always been confidently assertive of what he cares and doesn't care about. If uninterested, he'll say so. I have always been terrified of not caring, let alone actually saying it (my dad would have shat pink kittens if I had). But I'm learning from husband this healthy skill, correctly called detachment. And knowing your boundaries.
Stop fixing what others have broken. Let it stay broken. My mother wants to talk about why we're estranged and time was, when I'd have felt obliged to justify, answer, defend and explain. And fix. Always fix. Now I don't. She's had 60 years of breaking her promise and my heart. She never apologized or even acknowledged. She's lied, backpeddled, blame shifted and gaslit her way through life. She's never cared till now when judgement day is approaching. Not when I needed her. I cared and cared and got disdain for it. And yanno what, now I don't care. You can only push someone away so many times before they get the hint and stay gone. Confronting past hurts leads to more hurt. So I'm exiting off Broken Dream Boulevard. I could no more fix the potholes than I could patch lunar craters.
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