Hi friends! Hoping this post finds you well. Did you ever walk away from a conversation with someone and wonder what the heck just happened? They seemed very convincing, informed or all het up over something but you have no idea what they were talking about? Have you ever felt really uncomfortable, ashamed or icky about things someone said but can't put your finger on why? Chances are you were talking with a dark tetrad. Because these people not only act entitled, arrogant, manipulative and nasty, they talk that way too. But in very underhanded, baffling ways. I know this because I've lived with four dark tetrads as parents. However it took me 60 years to understand why I felt so awkward when talking with them. Here's how dark tetrads talk and some types of disturbing things they say.
They are endlessly melodramatic. They use serio-comic facial expressions and do what I call Snidely Whiplash eyes. They drop their voice to a stagey whisper then boom out in overly loud voices, as if projecting to an audience (which they are, in their head). You feel uncomfortable because their manner is too "big" for the type of conversation you're having.
They talk at, not with, you. They are always on a stage at a podium, in their mind. They are overly aware of themselves, and not very aware of others. They expect that others are watching and listening and they continually look around to gauge reactions.
They don't chat, they pontificate. Like the Pope, they speak ex cathedra. Unlike the Pope, they do it all the time not once every century. They pronounce judgement, posture, adopt poses, pass sentence, spread rumors with delight. You can't have an innocent conversation about the weather because it turns into a diatribe.
They rail about others' sins while gloating. They get off on thinking about all the punishment God has is store for other people. They imprecate darkly about how disappointed God is with everyone else. But they don't say how because they can't because they're doing these things themselves and they know we know it.
They hint, backpeddle and never give a straight answer. They talk in circles because they think deviously. They sound very disingenuous because they never just say something. Everything is calculated to provoke a response.
They must be the center of attention. They can't go too long in a group without doing something to make others notice them. My mother's method of choice is to do and say outrageously inappropriate things at inappropriate times. Like yelling "AMEN" in unfamiliar churches. Or waving her arms in the air and talking loudly at a funeral. She thinks this makes her look holy. It makes her look like a ridiculous show-off. Or wearing a nightgown to her great-granddaughter's baptism to garner pity.
They don't listen. They are easily bored and irritated with others and anything that is not about them. They listen long enough to hopefully hear something they can argue with or shame you over.
They don't discuss, they ambush, argue and attack. The psychopath part of their dark tetrad makes them disagreeable and contrary. The sadist/Machiavellian part makes them deceitful and vindictive. And the narcissist component makes them self-righteous and above censure. hey will maliciously gossip about so-and-so who did thus-and-such which they usually did not. The dark tetrad did but is blame shifting. Don't let them corner you because they are spiteful as hell.
They think they know everything. And that others want nothing more than to hear them hold forth. So they will make pompous, presumptuous and ignorant assumptions on things they know nothing about. They will arrogantly butt in on conversations they have no part of. They will make outlandish statements that make no sense. They are spin doctors and they listen intently to other spin doctors and pass off their nonsensical palaver like gospel truth.
They do not like competition. My father believed that he and only he, was God's mouthpiece. He felt offended if he went into any church and wasn't asked to preach. He was not trained at all and scoffed at those who were. He also pouted when he wasn't asked to play his violin and then told me I was showing off and fishing for compliments when I sang in the bathroom alone.
They double speak. My father arrogantly criticized everyone else, especially me. I was a show off, always angry, arrogant, selfish, too sensitive. And then said that I was too critical of him when I said nothing. When he regularly picked on me, I needed to "lighten up." But I should take his shaming very seriously. And then said everyone was picking on him when they weren't.
They talk strangely. It's hard to describe so I'll just compare it to Sarah Palin. They use hackneyed cliches and are overly familiar, jocular and snarky. They use dated expressions (which were silly then and are silly now) that they think make them sound edgy and with it. They mimic behaviors of people they think are cool. They affect a kind of drawl or fake intensity. It's cringy.
They demonstrate ignorance. Because they feel qualified to speak every subject, they don't bother to fact find and rely on hearsay. They also lie as often as they tell the truth. Probably more. So their utterances just sound, well, stupid. They don't even know the meaning of the words they use. My mother believes she's made up the phrase "rude, crude and lewd" and loves to trot it out. She once said it weirdly about Simon Cowell who is none of those things.
They think they're cute when they're nasty. Even when they say incredibly objectionable, crass, and well to use her phrase "rude, crude and lewd" things. If others don't like it, well, they're just being too sensitive.
They also take offense over nothing. True to their double standard natures, the insulting dark tetrad is also THE MOST OVERSENSITIVE SNOWFLAKE you will ever meet. They are looking to be offended. And they reserve the right to be both vitriolic and nasty to others and at the same time, overly precious with themselves.
Then they flip-flop. Dark tetrad don't have individual personalities, as such. Or it's been so long since they've been honest and genuine that they might as well not have one. What they have is a repertoire of "images" that they adopt. It's not like a child, such as myself, who had her "self" stolen and who must wear masks to please. Dark tetrads don't do anything to please others, only to get their way. So they will change their presentation to achieve a desired result. In the middle of being immaturely catty, my mother will switch gears and put on her holier-than-thou preacher face. She might actually impart some words of wisdom. But very often it has a shame-base to it. And there's always an ulterior motive or six.
They brand themselves and then sell it. Dark tetrads aren't in customer service, they're in marketing. They shamelessly self-promote but not an honest self. They fancy themselves as being a certain thing and act how they think someone who is that way would act. It's all for show. An example I've shared before is my parents' belief that they were both missionaries and preachers with zero training pr church backing or even anyone being aware of them. This status existed only in their minds.
They have conversations in their head with people that don't exist. They make a lot of over-generalized statements that have no bearing or are needlessly antagonistic. My mother for example, says "Merry Christmas" in that aggressive and polarizing way that says she's not actually wishing you well but testing to see if you'll respond with "Happy Holidays" or the politically correct way. Then she says " THEY don't like it when you say Merry Christmas." When I asked her who "they" are, she didn't know. She'd just heard this rhetoric on Fox News.
They think others see them as witty but most think they're ridiculous and you can tell by the weird looks they get. Which the dark tetrad thinks is because they've just dazzled them with brilliance when all they've done is baffled with bullsh*t. It's very awkward for their family who has to watch.
So you might be wondering what all these machinations are in aid of? It sounds exhausting and it is. Both to live with and I think, even for them. I'll get into what I think are the whys and wherefores in another post because now I am exhausted.
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