Hi friends. In my series on normal things dark tetrad parents fubar for their kids, I'm asking (as so many non ACON- adult children of narcissists have) if we're really so different from other kids? I've second-guessed myself all my life on this. But I'm going to show just how radically different we are to people who've not suffered narcissistic parent abuse and neglect.
So my kneejerk response is to anxiously reassure readers (and/or myself) that I'm not doing this to show off and claim special status. I don't proclaim to know how other people grew up or what they experienced. But that kneejerk is also a trauma-based response. So I'm going to do something waay outside my comfort zone and not make those disclaimers. I'm just going to nail my thesis to the door, make no excuse and let it be read as written.
They'll know we are narcissistic abuse victims by our trauma responses. So the fact that I automatically go into worry-placate mode is the first example of how I am different. All those trauma responses of hypervigilance, anxiety, neurotic ruminating, second-guessing, apologizing, constant validation seeking, demonstrate just how broken I am. You can spot us narc abuse victims a mile away. Just look for the one trying to fix everything. The one rushing around with the tea trolley, patting hands and doling out Darjeeling.
We fix what others break but believe we broke it. Ever see the kid who, when a fight breaks, doesn't cheer but rushes to comfort the combatants? That was me. The one who, when someone was getting picked on, body blocked the assailant's punches. Who hugged a girl who got chocolate milk poured on her by another girl. Who shoved a big, fat bully who was harassing my friend half her size. And getting called on the carpet by a (creepy) teacher because my underwear showed. So bearing one another's burdens is all well and fine. But we do it out of shame and terror. And because we've been told things are our fault that aren't That we're responsible for everyone else's crises no matter how manufactured they were. We have to fix the unfixable, right the unrightable wrong.
We wear a differently colored school tie. Because we went to a different school with very different teachers. Teachers (parents) that taught not by example but with punitive threats, coercion, manipulation, endangerment, humiliation and emotional caning. And fierce, unquestioning, militaristic loyalty to this homeschool was the regimen we lived under.
DADT was our school song. Narcissistic abuse sufferers lived under DADT long before it was a thing. Don't ask, don't tell and also don't feel, don't see, don't hear. Ignore that man behind the curtain. Suck it up. Keep it to yourself. No one cares. You're wrong. You're exaggerating, making it up for attention. Just keep your mouth shut and do your job. Which are actually everyone else's jobs inclusive.
We don't exist. Our personhood and identity was stolen at birth by dark tetrad--malignant, exploitative, cruel, self-centered--bullies. We became pawns of the family-state. Drones to the king and queen bee. Gamma slaves to the Alpha parents. Shadows with no person behind them. Marionettes in their drama.
So how does this make us different? Are we different or does everyone experience this? Hell to the yeah and nope, not if user-reported experiences are anything to go by. And the strange looks I get when I behave in all these aforementioned ways. And the barely concealed scorn and disbelief on the rare occasions that I tell anyone. So that last might be paranoia trauma response. Maybe what I perceive as scorn could just be difficulty comprehending that life could be like this.
Could but not always. Because I have heard my fair share of actual verbalized shaming over the years, for trauma response behaviors. And for daring NOT to trauma respond and for acting healthy. Very often, it's been damned if I do or don't. Especially in the church groups, youth groups and summer camps I've had the misfortune to be part of. There's no gaslighting like a holier-than-thou, self-righteous "christian." And that's sad.
But it does reinforce what I'm saying. That I don't fit in because I was broken and remade weird by dark parents. If even the church people I've tried so hard to please and emulate find me an object of ridicule how screwed up am I? I read my Bible, did my devotions, prayed, fasted, humbled myself to the point of letting people walk on me. I did it sincerely. I did it better than some of those preaching it did. To no avail.
Which proves that most other people do not share my experiences or my trained responses. It makes no sense to them. I look like a freak. And what do most people do when they encounter something they don't understand? Shun it. Hate it. Deride and scorn it.
Am I saying everyone's a hater? (I hate that term). No of course not. That would make me guilty of the generalization I object to in others. It's not a me against them thing. Though I will say if feels like it sometimes. And fwiw, I've experienced more disbelief than acceptance, reaching out and support from people. And most of those who have, I've had to pay for understanding.
And yes, I might not be giving people a chance. But why would I if they're putting up danger signals? Been there, plowed through that red flag, have the dents to prove it. You can see if you look when someone is heading down the path of scorn. It's obvious from facial expressions and body language. Well, now that I see it for what it is, anyway. In that case, it's best to just steer clear. I'll blog more on what I'll be doing differently in future when someone starts in.
And I know, I may sound like a "not like other girls" or whatever that term is for people who feel themselves different. But I'm NOT like other girls who had loving parents, resources, support, encouragement of parents. I am different. And so is anyone who's lived with narcissistic abuse and neglect.
And I'm not making these claims to put myself above anyone (see there I go again, trauma reassuring) Good grief, that's the last thing I'd do. I'm just trying to get to a healthier, safer, less painful state of being.
No comments:
Post a Comment