Hello my friends. In my quest to heal CPTSD from abuse and neglect by four narcissistic parents, I've started a series on normal things that dark tetrad (arrogant, self-centered, exploitative, cruel) parents fubar for their kids. The short answer to that is everything: every normal thing in the child's life is flip-flopped, distorted and perverted. Wrong is right, good is bad, bad is good, etc.
In that bass-ackwards scenario, the dark tetrad parent, twists messes up even the parent-child dynamic. The child is expected to provide for the parent, the childish things they demand. The parent whines, pouts, threatens, coerces, enslaves and manipulates the child into doing their bidding. The child is forced into very unnaturally adult situations which require adult skills she hasn't yet matured into. The parent pushes the child into the deep end of the grownup pool and told to swim or drown.
As if that wasn't bad enough, the parent does not care for the child or even provide the modicum of help. It's a reverse ratio. Normal things that the child should expect from the parent, are withheld, or parsed out so randomly and sporadically that the child learns not to count on them. And this I might add, is the scapegoat's experience. The other kids get what they want and need. The scapegoat is told that to expect anything, even basic necessities, is selfish.
But wait, it gets worse. The parents don't just neglect the child. they arrange stumbling blocks for the child to fall over. They sabotage her efforts so it looks like she's failing, so that she will keep trying harder. They do not thank or praise, they nitpick, fault find, lie, invent and rewrite versions that sanitize their behavior, exaggerate any wrong-doing of the child. They invent stories that paint them as the long-suffering hero/martyr.
But wait, it gets more twisted than that. The child is expected to act as parent but it isn't accurate to say that the parent acts childishly. Because I've known, taught, cared for thousands of children in my life. And not one was as selfish, petulant, out of control or demanding my narcissistic parents. Because the narcissist brings to it all the adult weaponry (backhanded, manipulation, two-faced), with none of the innocence of a child. A child acting bratty from time to time is to be expected; an adult doing it is infuriating, humiliating and exhausting. And utterly baffling to the child.
And wait, there's more. The more they do it, the better at it they get. And if the longer they're unchecked, the more outlandish and audacious the behavior gets. Along the years, my parents have done and said things to me that would shock most people. And they think they're so cute when they do. And people just turn a blind eye and humor them. Which they take as consent. The child is so shamed and bullied that she's too frightened to do anything but dance to their tune.
But wait, there's more. They twist again and take back the parent role, whenever it's convenient, well the rights, not the responsibilities. They cherry pick the preferred jobs: bossing, demanding, harassing and ignore the real parenting work (loving, nurturing, supporting, encouraging, helping) They set unreasonable rule and issue harsh discipline all while still depriving the child and expecting her to cater to them. They scold, hit, preach, scream and insult, in the name of "good parenting."
Their idea of parenting is so messed up that I think they believe that other people will be impressed by how they control their child. You know what I mean. You've seen those parents in the store who use their kids to get sympathy and attention. They yell at the children and then look around to see who's watching and feeling sorry for them. All we're feeling is sorry for the kids. Because their parents are completely out of control.
These parents aren't human. They are parasites that feed off their kids like a tics or lampreys. They enmesh themselves into the child, pirate their minds and take over their will and emotions. We think and feel what they tell us to. We're their puppets. What people saw was little me. What they didn't see is that it was my parents controlling me. I was just like Pinocchio with a smile painted on, dangling on the end of their strings.
They gaslight us that we are responsible to them, but they aren't to us. No one is responsible for us and so we grow up way too fast. We have no idea how to just be a kid. That is far too dangerous. We owe them everything and can never pay. While they owe us nothing. And how dare we think they do, how selfish! It's THEIR house not ours. And we can lose our home at any moment (raising hand here). Even though it's our child support paying for it. Nothing is ours, not our money, toys, clothes. They control everything.
We worry too much about them and they don't give two shits for us. We wait on them. We do everything they tell us to and they're still angry with us. We work oh so very hard to make them happy. And then when we ask if they are, they shame us for "looking for attention." We can never feel good about anything or we're arrogant, conceited, showing off. We're told that God expects us to serve without reward or praise (as if!!)
But we dare not show depression or sadness. Then we're attention-seeking, too critical, showing off. We need to "lighten up." When dad has just screamed at us and beat us for not being happy enough about having our room taken away and being made to sleep in the baby's room. Or for asking to try on a Christmas sweater. So I developed this way of grinning like a skeleton through my tears. I would pray to stop the tears, swallowing, choking and pressing my lips together so hard it hurt. Crying was a sure way to incense my dad.
We're so messed up and confused. There's no winning for us or even just breaking even. There's only losing and feeling stupid, ashamed and disgusted with ourselves. And that's where they want us, helpless and hopeless. We're damned if we do, damned if we don't. We're trapped in their nets and harder we try to free ourselves the tighter the bonds get.
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