Hello my friends. I'm on a quest to heal CPTSD from a lifetime of abuse and neglect by four dark tetrad (narcissistic, exploitative, sociopathic, cruel) parents. If you've experienced anything like this, you know the kind of advice you get from people who haven't. Just have "faith over fear" "forgive them" "rise above" their abuse, "be the bigger person" and "do the right thing." And you also know the deadly effects this "helpful" advice can have on your sense of self. But what I want is for you to know it for what it is: gaslighting, minimizing, invalidation and toxic positivity gibberish. And it is NOT of God. Arguably, it's of the devil.
Now I know, people who say these things want to think they're being helpful. Well, people in hell want ice water, too. But even a cursory look behind the scenes, shows they're not. This isn't well-meaning. They are speaking from their own self-righteous need to pontificate and, I'll say it, to victim-shame and to kick folks when they're down. Which in itself is dark tetrad-ish: spiteful, arrogant and undermining.
See, this is code talk. These trite aphorisms have double meanings. Saying things like "you should be the bigger person" indicates that they have deemed you small-minded and petty. "Rise above" means you're lowering yourself to poor standards. I have no idea what "have faith over fear" means and neither do they. It just sounds good on a T-shirt. And makes them feel virtuously faithful in contrast to your sinful "fear."
"Do the right thing" is blatant flying monkey-speak. It's like this MAGA nonsense about "the truth." Everyone's got their own idea of right and truth. Very often, what flying monkey mean by doing what's right is to stay in the path of abuse and let yourself be hurt. "Just forgive them" might be the most destructive of all. Because how it's meant is all fouled up. What flying monkeys mean is to turn a blind eye to abuse, reassure them it's okay cuz you forgive them and roll over for more. And this just plays right into abusers' hands. They don't think they're wrong, don't apologize and aren't sorry. They feel entitled to continue their abusive behavior. And this just give them your imprimatur to do so.
The proof of all that's wrong about toxic positivity is that when flying monkeys are faced with their own difficulty, you don't hear these platitudes coming from their mouths. They're finger pointers, not pointees. If you were to give their own advice back to them (especially in the glib voice they used) they'd say you're insensitive, you don't understand. This is different. Huh. They have just identified the problem with preachy advice. It casts judgement without being in full possession of the facts. It's generalized, hypocritical and insensitive.
Toxic positivity is about as helpful as a nuclear war. It gasses your mind with deadly poison. It makes dysfunctional trauma responses, especially fawning, seem healthy. It corrodes any healthy behavior and reactions. It baffles, distorts and deceives you. It shames you into not taking care of yourself and allowing more abuse. It makes you believe lies about yourself. You're the problem, not them. You're making it up, exaggerating, too sensitive, attention-seeking, showing off. If only you were more loving, a better person, a more forgiving person, they wouldn't hurt you. All the nonsense the abusers fed you all your life.
And nothing could be farther from reality.
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