Hi friends! I'm working on healing CPTSD (complex or childhood post traumatic stress disorder) from a lifetime of abuse from four narcissistic dark triad parents. And there are two important steps I need to take to do this. The first is radical acceptance and the second is going no contact. Both are difficult but not for the reasons you may think.
First we must define what radical acceptance is and what it is not. There are different kinds to be used at different times in our lives. We also need to establish when it's healthy and when it's not. Radical acceptance is NOT approval of what happened. It's not allowing or tolerating abuse. It's not allowing others to perpetuate harm and saying, "oh that's just how they are. I just have to get used to it." That's actually the antithesis of healthy acceptance.
Radical acceptance is about admitting and acknowledging what is happening. It is accepting the facts as real. It is accepting my truth over the made up nonsensical deceit of my dark triad narcissistic parents' gaslit world of fantasy. If abuse is happening in the now, accepting means acknowledging to safe people what you're being subjected to. It's about getting out and safe. It's about saying NO. It's NOT doing the 6 ex's I used to do: excuse, explain away, exempt (them from consequences) exonerate and expunge. Accepting is not excepting (making exceptions for their hurtful behavior).
They do all that for themselves already. They conned me into thinking that the rules of fair play, family, morality only applied to me. They were exempt. I was trying to live in the normal world while my life was very unnatural and abnormal. I obeyed the unsafe, unhealthy rules they shoved on me and said were God's will, while no one obeyed God and took care of me. I made myself crazy giving and giving good thinking they would give back. And they didn't because dark triads don't give, they take. It nearly killed me. But I never understood the connection to childhood trauma.
So now, as an adult, radical acceptance looks a little different. And in some ways the same. Accepting means acknowledging that it happened and that my version is the truth, not their gaslighting one. It isn't okay, it just is. And that's an important distinction to make. Because approval of their abuse has always been easy for me. Rolling over and taking it as my due is a cinch.
What doesn't come naturally is holding them accountable. Their gaslighting and lies were so convincing. And I was schooled in self-doubt and shame from birth. Saying what they did is unthinkable disloyalty. Saying that it was wrong goes against everything I know. Just writing this blog is new, scary and uncharted territory for me. It's been 60 years in the making. My M.O. was biting my tongue, keeping secrets, humoring, placating my perpetrators.
But that's precisely why it's so important to do it now. As uncomfortable as it is, I must accept (acknowledge) what I've been through. And then I need to do what I should have been able to do as a kid but couldn't. I need to get out. I need to say NO to any more abuse. I can't go back and change what happened and I'm sorry to all my younger selves for that. I can't prevent 4 y/o from being left alone, 6 y/o from all the endangerment, 8 y/o from medical neglect and parentification, 10 y/o me from sexual abuse, 11 y/o from exploitation and deceitful blaming, 13 y/o from inappropriate expectations of servanthood, 16 y/o from being kicked out of the house, etc, etc.
But I can stop the now me from experiencing any more. I owe it to us all.
No comments:
Post a Comment