Hello my friends. If you're following, you know that I'm exploring my CPTSD developed from narcissistic dark tetrad parental abuse. You might wonder (I know I do) why I keep delving into it. Why can't I just "let it go" "move on" etc? I mean after all, I'm an adult now, right? Yeeah, kinda and kinda not. The thing about narcissistic parental abuse is that it doesn't stay in childhood. It follows me everywhere.
Would that I could just move on, walk away, grow up. It's not me who can't let go, it's the trauma that WON'T let ME go. It hounds me in nightmares (CPTSD), voices in my head, kneejerk trauma responses and monkeys on my back. All of which was unbeknownst to me. I just knew I hurt a lot and did a lot of weird things and couldn't understand why.
So finally opening up at 60 about things long buried, is new and scary. I second guess and criticize myself all the time and always have done. Which is why I know now that it's critical that I keep on talking. Because the abuse, attacks and gaslighting is what caused this constant self-attacks in the first place. All the shame and fear accumulated in me has caused me to gaslight myself into believing I'm always wrong. And the only way to heal that is to address this shame head on.
To do that, I need to unpack all the disturbing hypocritical crap my parents accused me of and how it affects me now. I say hypocritical because as I connect the dots, I see that the majority if not all the odd things they accused me of doing, being, saying were in fact things THEY were doing, saying and being. I have beaten myself up all my life for these things I was supposedly doing. Though I couldn't for the life of me, see how. What they said didn't make sense.
But then my memory and ability to think clearly, were also damaged by lies and gaslighting. They undermined my real memories and implanted false ones. So, you may be asking, as I myself do, how I know which were real and which were fake? Well, therein lies the rub. I don't know and that's why I'm so easily confused and lacking in confidence. The gaslighting is real, folks!
I think the solutions lie in the triplet facts that 1) I'm very hard on myself, 2) I've cut them way too much slack and 3) I can't remember doing the awful things they said I did. If I had done these things, I'd have been the first to flagellate myself. They wouldn't need to even say anything. I'd know I'd done wrong, feel ashamed and try to make it right.
Okay so this was a long build up to the list of things narcissistic dark tetrad parents accuse scapegoat kids of. And I'm pretty exhausted so I may need to start another post to address that.
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