Hi friends. I've been doing a lot of archeology into origins of my CPTSD and the more I dig the more trauma and trauma-related problems I find. I've begun talking about the abuse, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, parentification, shaming, demeaning, invalidating, enmeshment, triangulating, exploitation, scapegoating and gaslighting I experience throughout my life from four narcissistic dark tetrad parents. And I've gotten some interesting feedback, some helpful and some very hurtful. Here are hurtful responses to childhood trauma that make CPTSD even worse than it already is.
"Just grow up. You're being childish." Yes, I've heard these and other such shaming comments. Once at Alanon meeting of all places! These judgmental comments are nothing more than victim blaming. This unsolicited advice implies that it's my fault that I'm suffering from abuse. I'm not "working at recovery." That sharing it ( at a place where you're supposed to share such things) is immature. Oh for eff's sake, of course it's childish, it's called CHILDHOOD TRAUMA.
"You're an adult now." And? I wish I could just outgrow it, like last year's sweater. And grown up I may be but adult I have to work at, because I was not allowed to grow up normal. I wasn't taught basic skills like self-care. My inner child is screaming for recognition, love, help she's been denied of for 60 years! The last thing I need is
"It's in the past." And anyone who knows anything about childhood trauma knows it follows you into the present. Your narcissist persecutors don't stop because you've reached the age of majority. They get worse because they know they're losing their grip on you.
"You need to let go." (said with condescending arrogance, as if they've just solved all your problems for you, you're welcome.) Well, genius, I'd be happy to do that but IT won't let ME go. I nightmare about it nightly. And I just told you that but I guess you weren't listening. Also narcissistic parents don't let you go and grow. They want you stuck in the mess they've made of their lives.
"Your problem is you're dwelling on it." Another mic drop Ta-da. You can almost see them dusting their hands. What rubbish! I'm dwelling IN it, like quicksand. It's dwelling in me. I CAN'T get out of it because it was implanted in me. So thanks anyway, but keep your smug toxic shaming to yourself, I've had ENOUGH of that and it's what's gotten me to this awful mindspace.
"We all had difficult parents, honey." Well, I'm sorry for you but clearly you're not struggling with it because if you were you'd be more sensitive and less sententious. You'd know what it is to be minimized, dismissed, invalidate, like you're doing now.
"Well, at least your parents didn't do (insert thing they assume your parents didn't do). Or, at least they gave you (insert thing they assume my parents gave me which they actually often didn't). You just told me all I need to know about you as parent. You're just as bad as my parents, glossing over all they did with a clearcoat of toxic positivity.
"But you had some good times, right?" Wrong. And you're not asking right as in fact finding but to gotcha me into some humbled admission. Just like my parents did. If you're trying to gaslight me into believing a few trips for ice cream makes up for decades of abuse, that a breadcrumb trail is proper care, good luck. I've been gaslit by people who were far better at it and I've seen the light.
"You think your parents were bad, you should hear about mine." (and so we do, for the next four hours) But this isn't a competition for worst parent of the year, but if it were, I'd go story for story with you any day. Cuz I've heard yours and if that's the worst you've got, it's a day at the park, compared to my life. And I had FOUR dark tetrads ruling over me. I have to wonder why, if your parents were so bad, you're not more sensitive to a fellow sufferer. There's not a scarcity of concern. I can feel as sad about your situation as I do mine. You don't have to beat me to the well.
"You're just trauma dumping." (heard that too, at Alanon). Well, if you don't want to listen, don't go to a group counseling session. And I'm not actually doing that. I work very hard to show that I hold no one present responsible. I appreciate their listening ear and tell them so. I'M not the one victim shaming and weaponizing psycho-jargon here. You are. And we're not supposed to critique others' sharing, in the first place.
"Are you praying about it? You need to pray more." Oh what a novel idea. Why didn't I think of that? And why are you saying it in such a way that suggest I don't?" Do you get some kind of narcissistic hit off undermining me? I've been praying about it for sixty years. That's how I survived, no thanks to anyone on this planet. You also don't get how prayer works. You don't tell God what to do. You ask him for help dealing with it by, maybe sending caring people (which you clearly aren't).
""When I have problems I just trust God. You should too." Ummm, do you? Cuz honestly, I've not seen much evidence of it. I've seen you place a lot of trust in things of earth. And heard you griping like hell when someone upsets you. Where's all your faith, trust, hope, yada yada then? I think it's more talk than walk. Oh and don't assume I don't trust (why would you, anyway?). How do you think I've survived as well as I have?
"Have faith." In what exactly? I had faith all my life in people who were faithless, unfaithful and fake. Oh, you meant God? Well, clearly I do because I'm still here, which I wouldn't be if I was just doing it solo. And again, why are you assuming I don't? Do you think this makes you sound holy? It doesn't. You sound sanctimonious, self-righteous and ignorant. Just like my parents.
"It's okay because Jesus loves you." Well, yes, He does but that doesn't mean I don't need human love. Just like you and everyone else. And it isn't okay that they hurt and abused me. Neither with me nor with God. Why is okay with you? (because you're not the one suffering.)
"You just need to forgive them." (facepalm). Uh, define forgive. If you mean forget it happened, tell them it's fine and all's well? It did, I'm not and it isn't. Plus, all three of those things are contradictory. If it's fine, there's nothing to forgive. If it's wrong, saying it's right is a dangerous lie. (and one that I told far too many times over their many hurts.) Faking all's well is deadly. I can't even absolve them. A priest can't. God can't. Because 1) they're not sorry 2) they haven't confessed it 3) they're fine with what they did. 3) they've lied and said that it didn't happen or if it did they forgot or it was my fault. Now, if by forgive you mean accept that it happened ( which is the correct definition, BTW), been there done that.
"You're holding a grudge." I don't even know what that means and I don't think you do either. If you mean saying what happened is grudge holding, why would you exhort me not to do something that's healthy for me? And they've held grudges against me all my life! If you mean don't be angry, I was never mad even when I should have been. I excused everything they did and it's killing me. If you mean don't hold them accountable, well God does so argue with Him.
"You're letting it drive a wedge between you." Argh! Why all the victim-blaming?? They have been driving wedges between us all my life. They've triangulated, lied about me, set me up, pitted people against me, scapegoated and excluded me from their family. I used to just tolerate it and come back for more. Now you're telling me when I'm finally getting healthy to go back to my old dysfunctional behavior? No ma'am. I'm letting those wedges stay.
"You're punishing them." How could I do that? Am I abusing them? Nope, that's their domain. Am I retaliating? I couldn't do all the mean things they did to me, if I tried. Am I trash talking them? Nope I'm saying what they did. If that's trashing them, what they did must be pretty trashy. And I don't need to punish them. They'll get plenty in time.
"Going no contact hurts them." How so? They've repeatedly cut me off unless they wanted something. Then they let me in long enough to get it then slammed the door in my face. They've abandoned me, as in left me with strangers in Alaska. They kicked me out of the house when I was 16, for pete's sake! I'm just not busting my butt to constantly mend fences I didn't break. I don't think it hurts, just angers them that I did what they've always felt was their sole prerogative. And because now I'm not around to be their cat's paw.
"They need you now they're old." If they need things, how does it feel? It sucked when I needed things they deprived me of. They don't need as much as want. So they're old? They've been exploiting and taking from me all my life. The well of giving has run dry.
"You're responsible to care for them." Nope, I'm responsible to care for myself which being with them is not. Because I have cared for them too much, all their lives and gotten only hurt in the process. If they'd cared for me, I'd be caring more for them now. But the rules didn't apply to me, regarding what they owed me and so they don't apply to me now. It's always been transactional with me getting stung in the bargain.
"Just ignore them." Er, when I did that you said I was being unforgiving, punishing, grudge-holding. So which is it? Oh, you didn't mean actually ignore them and have nothing to do with them. You meant turn a blind eye to what they did and let them continue to do it. Why would I want to do that? And why would you suggest it?
"They didn't mean to hurt you." Sooo, they accidentally attacked, bullied and exploited me? They inadvertently lied and blamed me for things they did? They didn't mean to steal from me, my stuff just ended up in their possession? Oopsie put me out on the street. Accidentally let me play alone? Hmmm.
"They meant well." Oh. Well, in that case, I'm not hurt. Poof! As if! Tell that to my nightmares. Has my mother been talking to you. Are you her lawyer?
"They did their best." If that was their best, I'd hate to see the worst. And if it was the best why was it just for me and none of their spouses and new family? Don't tell me they had an epiphany about how badly they'd treated me and learned their lesson with the next set. Because they've never apologized or even admitted they did wrong. There were just two sets of rules and double standards.
"It was a joke. They didn't mean anything by it." Buuuut, no one else was laughing. And they could mock me endlessly but when I made a general joke they took the wrong way, I was cursed and screamed at. Also, something is very definitely meant by sarcasm, backstabbing, humiliating and making fun of. And they ain't good things.
"You're slamming the door on your family." Yes? You say that like it's a bad thing. And news flash, THERE NEVER WAS A FAMILY!! There was me being told there was when things were expected of me but not when I was owed things. I was an outsider when it came to getting things. Hell, outsiders were treated better than me. Ours was a give and take relationship, me giving good and taking bad and them taking my good and giving me bad.
"You're just letting them get to you." So you do admit they are trying to hurt me? Cuz earlier you said... oh never mind. I forgot, you're about victim blaming and shaming, not actually helping me heal. And yes, I have. That's what I've been taught to do. It wasn't safe not to. Why are you minimized cruelty? Why are saying it like me not letting it get to me will make things better? I tried that and it only got worse because they want me to feel the pain and shame.
These are just a few of the disturbing things I've been told. I don't know why. I can tell you what I think is behind it. They're dealing with their own childhood trauma and talking to themselves through me. Which makes things worse for both of us. Or they treat their kids like I was treated and don't like hearing what it's like for the kid. Or they make light of it because they are also narcissists with little empathy and a big need to pontificate.
And one thing I know for sure. But one thing I do know, is they're not helpful or even well-meaning. These hurtful comments send me down rabbit holes of shame and self-doubt. I think they are meant to. And people who make them should be avoided at all costs.
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