Hi friends! I've been doing a lot of excavating of my long-buried history of trauma from four narcissistic parents and family of origin. My hope is to get some healing from CPTSD trauma responses, nightmares, toxic shame and crippling suffering. Here are some healthy things I'm learning to do, to get better.
1) Learn about dark triad, dark tetrad and narcissistic parent behavior. I was subject to four dysfunctional parents, two bio and their new spouses plus all their new kids. All four exhibited behaviors of dark triad and dark tetrad: Machiavellian (exploiting for selfish reasons) narcissistic (arrogant, self-absorbed), psychotic (remorseless, lacking in empathy, nasty) and sadistic (doing this purposely to cause pain, getting pleasure from others' pain).
2) Limit or cut contact with dark tetrad parents. Regardless of whether they know or can control their toxic behavior, these are dangerous people to be around. After finally realizing my life with them was nothing but abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, enmeshment, inappropriate expectation, exploitation, manipulation, triangulation, backstabbing, parentification, bullying, shaming, scapegoating, invalidation and gaslighting about it all, I had no choice but to severely limit contact. It was either that or lose my sanity.
3) Provide things for yourself and your inner child that you lacked. Growing up, we lived, or should I say flopped, in a lot of unsafe, unhealthy places. There was a lot of deprivation of basic necessities, like beds, food and a bedroom. There was a lot of chaos. I was expected to be the adult and parent as a kid. Consequently, I can never relax. I'm always cold and frequently hungry. I'm in a lot of physical pain from having to do hard physical labor too young and from sleeping in cramped, cold conditions. So now, I've created the safest, coziest sleeping arrangement as possible. I now have a caring, loving family and I'm learning to let down my guard. I've covered the bed with soft, warm blankets. Sometimes, I just lay there and allow the comfort of being loved and nurtured soak in.
4) Do less. I was made to do a lot of things I shouldn't have been made to do, by selfish, controlling people. I was caregiver, parent, spouse, housekeeper, nanny and maid. I've grown to be the poster girl Type A, driven overachiever. I've learned too much empathy and to kowtow. I believe it's my job to do and be everything so others can slack off and order me around. I feel constant guilt and shame for not being perfect. And it's made me miserable and suicidal at times. My therapy now is to play my part and let others play theirs. Fortunately for me, I have loving people who do their part and don't want to exploit me.
5) Accept that I'm good enough. Between the crazy concoction of over-expectation and deprivation, I learned some pretty weird coping skills. A constantly transactional life with me never getting my part in the bargain has taught me to fawn, fix, fly, freeze and fight. I'm afraid all the time. I second guess every move I make. What I have to work on now is reteaching myself that I'm good enough. I don't have to earn everything and I owe no one anything besides basic respect.
6) Redefine everything. Love, care, responsibility, family, obedience, parents, siblings, home, self-care, stepparents, God, duty, loyalty, respect: all these concepts were perverted, inverted, damaged and destroyed for me. So now I have to go back and learn their correct definitions.
7) Live within my boundaries and keep others in their place. Especially about boundaries between what I will and what I won't do. In past, my parents were all and everything. They were so enmeshed with me that I had no self. Now I'm learning where they end and I begin. What I will and won't tolerate., what I want, need and expect of others. This is not to say they will necessarily respect me. Most likely they won't, and it that case, refer to step 2. It's not about what they will do, it's about me. I'm starting to draw the line at certain of their behaviors. I'm getting out and staying out of situations I'm uncomfortable in. I now choose what I do and don't.
8) Be confidently honest. I used to keep quiet all the time about opinions, thoughts, knowledge or experiences. I knew no one cared and would just exploit, shame, ignore, turn a blind eye, etc. I was also afraid to share because I was so often told I was wrong. Now, when appropriate, I say something if I disagree. If it's important enough. Especially to gaslighting and lies about my own experiences. If they don't like it, well maybe good. It's about time they heard my truth.
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