Hello my friends. In my quest to heal CPTSD from narcissistic and dark tetrad (malignant, entitled, arrogant, manipulative, sadistic) parent abuse, I'm exploring hypocritical things my parents accused me of doing that they were doing themselves. I'm also looking at why they would do this. For a discussion on how I now know that these accusations were actually hypocritical and false, please read my previous post.
Narcissistic and particularly dark tetrad parents point a LOT of fingers at the children they have targeted as scapegoats. They blame and shame, judge unfairly, browbeat, find fault with, nitpick, attack, bully, target, humiliate and harass their kids constantly. But there's an old saying that when you point your finger at someone, remember there are four more pointing back at you. Or as the Bible says, the measure you use against others (especially your vulnerable kids) will be used against you. So if you're quick point out wrong in others, be careful. Cuz it's coming back on you.
I didn't know that as a kid. I believed that the mean, nasty things they said about me were true. I believed I did the awful things they accused me of. I took it all to heart. I felt ashamed and stupid all the time. I still do. Those injuries from those old slings and arrows don't go away. They fester and poison everything. But now that I've allowed myself to accept that this is cruel and wrong, I see exactly how they accomplished it and why they did it.
They thought that by pointing fingers at me would keep the focus on me and off from them. And because there were four of them in cahoots, it did sort of. Or at least that's how it looked to me. I don't know if anyone else saw the abuse and exploitation. If they did, no one ever said anything or lifted a finger to help me out. I've always wondered how they could turn blind eyes to all the neglect, abandonment, endangerment, mind -effing and scapegoating. But that's material for another post.
So here are the ten disturbing things (included but not limited to) that I was accused of. Bear in mind these attacks were NOT correction for any specific behavior. There was no love in them whatsoever. Nor were any explanations given as to what I'd actually done. They didn't do it to help me learn to be better. They wanted me to keep doing whatever it was they said was wrong so as to cover what they were actually doing. It was humiliation and intimidation pure and simple.
They came from nowhere. They would ambush with no provocation. They would be accompanied with rage, screaming, physical assault, sneering condescension, vicious mocking, cruelty and bullying. They usually occurred in front of others. In fact assaults were strategically launched when there was an audience. They were so shocking in intensity that those around would gasp. I once wet my pants in fright.
As I look back, even with my gaslight mind, damaged memory and mental confusion, I can't recall having done any of these things I was being punished for. I do recall many times observing them doing these things however. It makes me sick with anger to think of the poor little girls I was, being treated so abominably. And now that I see, let 'em try it again. Cuz this lady is taking no more shit no more. Hell hath no fury...
So I'll list the accusations and then the examples later.
1) You're a show-off . Not just that I sometimes showed off but that I WAS a show off by my very nature.
2) You're looking for attention. When I was sick.
3) You're just trying to get out of work. You're lazy.
4)You're fishing for compliments. When I was singing in the bathroom.
5) You're a selfish, disrespectful, disobedient brat. When I asked to try on my new Christmas sweater.
6) You're a liar. The few times I told what happened.
7) You raised your hand to me. When my mom was hitting me.
8) You're just jealous. When my mom and dad married new people (oh, btw, whom I was also supposed to wait on and serve).
9) You're a humiliation to us. We're ashamed of you. I don't even recall the situation.
10) You've committed sins God won't forgive you for. When my dad was trying to get dirt on me.
11) You're no daughter of mine. When I came home an hour late.
Wow. All those things. Well, let's begin with the last one. You're damn right I'm no daughter to you. You're not my dad. You're my mothers shack job. And dad, you're right too. When have you ever treated me like a daughter? Come to that when have any of you? I've been servant, surrogate spouse, surrogate parent and scapegoat. Let me turn that back on ya. You're no parent of mine!
And I'VE committed sins God won't forgive? Well then ya look in the mirror! Mom you were cheating on my dad in front of me! You were hooking up with married men! You moved you boyfriend into our house. And dad, you were hooking up with a 17 y/o when you were 34! You ran off and left me for two years.
I'm the humiliation? Say the people who dragged me through all the aforementioned nonsense. Says the mom who dressed like a "hooker" for a church party. Who never had my back. Who weren't there for me. You do know most kids thought I didn't have a dad?? And most kids weren't allowed at my house because you all were so bizarre and sexually off.
And, showing off, isn't that odd? Because I remember staying small and quiet so as not to piss off anyone off. I remember you all getting in fights and then turning your spotlights on me.
Disobedient? I remember being so obedient that I did all their housework, childcare and most of the cooking. I recall co-sleeping with all of their kids with them sleeping so far away that they would not have heard if there was an emergency.
And jealous, that's rich coming from the "mother" who flaunted her boyfriends to me? Do you not hear how weird that sounds for a mom to say that to her daughter? Like I was a school chum you were trying to make jealous? You've been been envious of others all your life and you've blown through every relationship with your relentless pursuit of one-upmanship.
If I'm so selfish, how come you're the one with my money? You've borrowed without repaying, stolen, lied, cheated and conned all your life. You literally sold my stuff to buy your unemployed boyfriend a motorcycle.
So you say mom, that you stopped slapping me across the face because I raised my hand to you. You told my kids you never hit me. You said when I slapped my daughter's face it was child abuse (which I regret and always will). So which is is? You were always so smug and self-righteous and pissed off when you were hitting me. As if you liked it. There was no sorrow, no remorse, like I felt when I misguidedly spanked my kids. So if I did raise my hand to you, which I don't recall doing, why were you hitting me? Why did I need to defend myself?
I remember your biting sarcasm when you'd say "listen here, Sister Sue, you're not going to treat me like that!" And then hauling off, very much in anger, walloping me. WTF?? Who were you talking to really? I was 8 and I loved you with all my heart. You knew that. What could I possibly have said to warrant that? Answer: nothing. You said I mouthed off. What does that even mean? I can't recall saying anything unkind let alone mouthy. Could it be that someone had confronted you on something you did and you took it out on me?
And if I did, kids mouth off. If I'm honest, I thought it was funny when my kids did. I wish I'd never followed your poisonous example and spanked them. I wish I hadn't listened to your bitch-ass voice warning me against "sparing the rod and spoiling the child." And then telling my kids I abused them when it was YOU who told me to. And YOU who lied and said you never hit me. And then gloated to me about how you did. Woman, you are such a liar.
How is me singing in the bathroom any different than you playing your violin wherever we went. And what the actual were you doing in the bathroom with me?? This one really hurts because I enjoyed your playing. Too bad you couldn't just enjoy my singing. I guess that's just another way dark tetrad ruin everything.
And I'm not one trying to get out of work. I DID YOUR work. I ironed your clothes, mopped your floors on my hands and knees, got up with your kids, scrubbed your toilets. You're the lazy ones. Stepmomma, you sat your life away and ate yourself to death. You couldn't keep wood cut for the stove. You're all always scamming.
I'm not showing off. I'm sick because you neglected my medical care. I didn't get glasses till I was nearly blind and the school said I had to have them. My back is trashed from sleeping on pull out couches, unheated porches and tiny youth beds. I'm in constant pain from doing far too heavy housework.
And just me being me is being a show off? Anything I do is all for show? Well, isn't that convenient. Because now if I were to tell anyone about the shit you put me through, it was just be put down to showing off. God I wish someone in the family, or church, or school or anywhere would have stepped in and told me how wrong this was. I don't expect them to have rescued me (but it would have been nice). At least it would have helped me to make sense of this emotional hell and not absorb it all into myself.
But chance would be a fine thing.
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