Biblical and moral principles dark tetrad parents fubar for scapegoat kids: respect

Hi there my friends. I'm working to heal CPTSD from 60 years of abuse and neglect by four dark tetrad (malignant, entitled, cruel, manipulative) parents, who called themselves Christians. I started a series recently on 25 Biblical and moral principles that narcissistic parents fubar for their scapegoat kids Really, I guess, all their kids. Because no matter what role you are assigned in the dysfunctional mess they call family, it is in their best interests and not yours. And I say 25 ways but really it endless. Because dark tetrad ruin EVERYTHING. 

Today I'm looking at the concept of respect. So the basic definition of respect includes regard for someone's feelings, needs, dignity, uniqueness and rights. It means being kind and decent.  And not doing things that are hurtful or devious. There's a lot of discussion on whether respect must be earned or whether people just deserve it for being human. 

Basic respect isn't earned. It's something you just give because you're a good person. BUT it's also reciprocal. You don't have to earn it either.  And between parents and children, the parents demonstrates respect first and the child, hopefully, comes to learn it by example. 

But narcissistic parents get a hold of the wrong end of the stick. They wrongly define and manipulate respect to mean honor, reverence and adulation of themselves. They mash it up with allegiance and deference and homage. Now, normal people know that this type of respect must be earned. They are due it just because they are they. Dark tetrad insist they don't have to do anything to earn it. However others must jump through all sorts of crazy hoops to earn their respect. Which the dark tetrad never gives. 

Dark tetrad parents demand that their children demonstrate their skewed definitions of respect towards them which the parents have never modeled towards her or anyone. They expect mature adult behavior of a child when all they've shown is immature, petty childishness. They exploit, mock, shame, demean, degrade, insult and bully her. They have no regard even for her basic needs. They cheat, lie and steal from others. They're cruel and ruthless. What the child sees are parents who are disrespectful of everyone. They are above all rules of respectful behavior.

Yet they demand ceaseless respect from her. They don't even define what they consider respect. They expect the child to just know what they want and give it. And their expectations are endless. Any petty whim may fall under the definition of respect and failure to comply equals disrespect. 

Biblical and moral principles dark tetrad parents fubar for kids: family first

Hello my friends. I'm working to heal CPTSD from a lifetime of abuse and neglect by four narcissistic dark tetrad parents. I started a series on biblical and moral principles that dark tetrad parents fubar for their kids. Today we're looking at number two, the concept of family first, or just family in general. And when I say kids, I mean specifically the scapegoat child. Dark tetrads are hostile, arrogant, exploitative, nasty bullies. The scapegoat child bears the brunt of their hostilities. They heap bizarre demands on her and she can do no right. While their pet kids can do no wrong. 

My situation was extra-especially weird because I was the only child of two narcissistic parents who divorced, remarried other self-centered people and had other kids. You would think, as I did, that this would be great because now I had siblings. And oh lucky me, four parents to care for me. Ehh, not so much. What I had now, was four irresponsible, demanding bosses on whom I had to dance attendance. Each new kid just added more responsibility for me. 

Narcissistic parents who remarry have this bad habit of thinking of their new family as their real and only family. That's because dark tetrads think they own people, especially their children.  They believe, in their entitled heads that they can somehow cut ties with the child from the previous marriage, just like they did the first partners. When they divorce, they cast out the kid just like the old mattress. They "divorce from" and exclude that child in their new families. At least mine did. 

And yet, I was too useful to discard completely. As I've said, dark tetrads are completely self-centered. None of them had any intention actually caring for these new people they imported. So they had to finagle a way to get me to do that. And that way was gaslighting me into believing that I was part of their new families. They fed me a line of BS a mile long about how their new people were my parents, siblings, yada yada. 

I was always hearing about how family came first when it came to expectations placed on me. What they didn't say, but meant was, OUR new families sans you, come first. YOU come last or nowhere because you aren't part of us. We ditched you. You're just an unpaid employee. And really not even that because employees have some rights and benefits, which you don't. You're a slave, chained to your machine we call family.  

It's even worse when the dark tetrad parents call themselves Christians. The Bible is just another tool in their arsenal. And do they weaponize it. They use all the religious jargon to con the kid into thinking all this is just God's will for her. They throw scripture at her like arrows. And they live completely contrary to said scripture. Mine started in almost immediately on me, with their nonsense about the many things the Bible said I was and wasn't supposed to do. And the many ways these things didn't apply to them. I was too young to catch on to this hypocrisy. 

But now I have. My eyes are opened to the double standards I lived in. I'm recalling, now, the utter misery it was. If that was family, I would have been better off an orphan. Because then, at least, I'd know I had no one. I wouldn't have kept trying to fit in, to homes whose front doors were barred to me and where I was expected to use the servants' entrance. 

25 Biblical and moral principles dark tetrad parents completely fubar for kids: humility vs. humiliation

Hello my friends. Today I'm starting a series on Biblical and moral principles that dark tetrad (selfish, arrogant, manipulative, cruel) parents completely fubar for kids. Today's post is on humility vs. humiliation. That one issue alone has led many of us victims of narcissistic parent abuse damn near ending it all. Here's how. 

So if you're a Christian, or even if you're of another faith or just try to be a good person, you know how important it is to humble yourself. The Bible requires it. Every major religious and mental health discipline requires this.  In fact, all teaching on morality does. Because pride (as in arrogance) is a sin or character flaw that leads one way: down. 

Now, "Christian" or religious dark tetrad parents are ALL about ramming pride vs. humility down their scapegoat child's throat. They constantly Bible beat her with commands to avoid pride, humble herself, give tirelessly without reward, be a servant, bend her "stiff neck" and basically grovel before the almighty. 

Ironically, all these commands of God's about pride do not apply to their other kids. They have protected and exalted status. They are allowed to be and usually are arrogant, narcissistic, nasty and demeaning wee gobshites to the scapegoat, just like their dark tetrad parents. Actually Gen 2 is often worse. They've had a good education in at the master's knee, in bullying the scapegoat. 

What they hiding however, is that this almighty she's supposed to serve is not God but them. They brainwash her into a cult like devotion to themselves. They twist and distort her image of God the Father (and Son and Holy Spirit) into one that looks nothing like the actual deities but exactly like themselves. 

Literally their every command (and they are legion) must be obeyed instantly, flawlessly with a fawning smile. They expect her to read their minds and anticipate their demands. Regardless of how unable she is yet to perform any these adult and often impossible tasks. They also never model obedience to anyone least of all God. They do as they damn well please. 

And the harder the child tries to please everyone, the more she is shamed and ridiculed. Nothing is ever good enough. It's not even close, they say, their voices dripping with disdain and disappointment. Just as she gets one of their fires put out, seven more start. I see now that it actually pisses them off that she's so compliant and humble. They've got to knock her down. She's told she's vain, proud, attention-seeking, yada yada. And she's still letting God down. 

It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, a double bind, this constant tail-chasing they expect of her. The more crushing, inappropriate and unrealistic, unsafe burdens they put on her, the more she falls. Never mind that no one is helping or showing her how to do it (they don't know themselves). But the child doesn't get that. All she knows is that she's a failure. And boy do they rub that in. 

Which brings me to the point of this post. Dark tetrad parents screw up virtues of humility for their kids by transposing it with humiliation. If the meaning of humble is low or bent down, the child already is that. She's bowed down by the weight of their expectations.  The ones who are not humble at all are the narcissist parents. And they use shaming, jeering, mocking, backstabbing and manipulation to humiliate her.

And how they get away with this is effing deviousness personified. They begin when she is tiny and far too young to even speak yet. They hand select scriptures that were actually written to them as adults and remodel them into commands for the child. They use these fake hodge-podge scriptures to continually browbeat and humiliate the child into serving them. 

They expect her to do things God would never expect. They subject her to evil people and situations. They bind her up to burdens they don't lift a finger to carry. They live in complete contradiction to these principles. They play on the fact that biologically they are her parents. They con her into believing their new spouses are parents. (Biblically they aren't). And as such have all this purported power over her which they use to machinate situations that keep focus on her "disobedience" and off of their own lack of humility.

Because make no mistake. These people are not humble. These people who are always calling out sin and pride are arrogant, self-righteous, unbending, remorseless, immoral, judgmental, conniving and deceitful. They lie like rugs. They gloat in others' failure because it makes them feel superior. They gossip, spread rumors and concoct stories that paint people in a bad light. 

As for the expectations God has for them toward the child, well, all that is conveniently never mentioned. If the child shows some reluctance or self-care, stamp it out, hard. Slap the term "pride" on it. Shame her for daring to cross God. Gaslight her again and again. Then, even when she becomes an adult, she has a devil time distinguishing between God and parents. But I'm working on that. 

Let me just conclude with a warning from the Bible. A little reminder about what lost paradise for Adam and Eve and all of us: pride. Playing God. Posing as God. Woe to anyone who leads a kid astray. Woe to anyone who will not 

Things that are supposed to help heal CPTSD which are surprisingly unhelpful

Hello my friends. Fresh off from my post about surprise ways to heal CPTSD from dark tetrad narcissistic parent abuse, I'm sharing things that are supposedly helpful in healing but which can actually hinder. And like the helps, these might surprise you also.  

Counseling. We're told that counseling is the be-all-end-all in healing. In fact some counselors say you can't heal without it. For many issues it can be helpful but for adult children who were abused by dark tetrad parents, it can make things worse. And I may get flak on this but hear me out. Very few counselors are trained in dealing with narcissists, fewer on dark tetrads, and virtually no one on adult children of dark tetrad parents. 

One problem is that the counselor sees a chronological adult sitting in front of them and expects to be able to talk to them as an adult. But what they don't get is that they are actually talking to a child in a grown up's body. Even if they speak and act like an adult. Even if they are responsible and functional. Traumatized kids are often some of the most mature adults in society. We've had to grow up very fast, behave like an adult before we were able to and parent our parents. In fact, many of us never were kids. 

But childhood is a developmental stage that can't be missed or the whole person breaks down. There's a forever child crying in us. Actually many children of various ages depending on when abuse started and how long it occurred. These inner children have been abandoned, abused, neglected, exploited, manipulated, coerced, bullied, scapegoated, shamed, attacked, endangered and invalidated all our lives. Manipulative, selfish, arrogant, cruel (dark tetrad) parents have placed too many adult demands on us and yet treat us like naughty, wayward children in need of constant discipline. We're trapped in a limbo of thwarted childhood and hurried adulthood.   

And this unfortunately is something a lot of counselors don't get. They then perpetuate our deceitful parents' gaslighting by expecting us to do things we've never been taught to do or which we were punished for doing. They speak to us as if we should know how to fix this. Those that do realize we're trapped in our unresolved children selves are often patronizing or condescending. Actually both types do that. Like our parents, they treat us like children but expect us to think and behave like adults. 

Which just convinces us that we're the childish inept fools our parents said we were. It reinforces that we're the broken ones. We let people down. We don't try hard enough, don't "participate in our own therapy" and other such psycho-gumbo. They say we shouldn't be people pleasers when that's all it was safe for us to be. We shouldn't blame our parents tho they were the cause of our problems.  We need to grow up. We're enmeshed, etc. 

Nothing could be farther from the truth. We're surprisingly put together given all we've been deprived of. It's our parents who are childish and if we're inept it's because too much was expected that was not modeled. We've been trying TOO HARD all our lives. We prop others up and they let us down. WE don't know how to help ourselves and it was never safe to. We had to please to survive. We never blamed our parents but should have. They blamed us and we made excuses for them, supported them and never questioned their hurtful behavior. We took their sins on ourselves. They're enmeshed in us and are using up all our oxygen and bleeding us dry. 

And shocking as this sounds, some counselors will actually defend our abusive parents. You get this more from "Christian" counselors. They are blatantly dismissive and invalidating, just like, wait for it, the people who have caused us to need therapy in the first place.  These would-be helpers will make all kinds of excuses for the parents and put all kinds guilt on us. Your parents did their best (did they?) They didn't mean to (oh, cuz that's not what they told me). Let it go. (it won't let me go). You're dwelling on it (nope it dwells in me) The past is in the past (I wish! But it follows me). No one is perfect (oh so it's fine to be as awful as you want?) Sheesh if I wanted that kind of advice I'd have gone to my self-centered parents! And don't bother gaslighting me. Been there, do that to myself already. 

They tell us to focus on ourselves not on what they did. Regardless of what they did, we have to be the bigger persons, rise above, etc. I've been doing that all my life, ma'am and that's why I'm here. But thanks for making me feel even more suicidal than I already do. Are there good counselors out there? Of course. But all the good ones can't undo the untold damage that one bad leaves behind. 

Forgiveness. I've written an entire blog post already on this one. Forgiveness of people who aren't sorry isn't just unhelpful it's impossible. And dangerous. It implies consent. Also forgiveness isn't what many people think it is. It's just accepting that the past will never be any different than it was. And so that is helpful but that's not what folks who prat about forgiving mean. What they're saying is that we who have been harmed must somehow make it right for the ones who harmed us. Again, we have to fix everything that someone else broke. It's our DUTY and RESPONSIBILITY. We OWE them that. Despite them feeling no remorse for harming us and having every intention of continuing. 

Well, I'm debunking that right here and now. No it's neither your duty nor your responsibility and you don't owe anyone anything, let alone their false, self-serving version of forgiveness. You can't. Because their version defies the very intent of reconciliation. They aren't sorry. They feel perfectly justified and entitled. Or they will lie and say it never happened. You're making it up. You're exaggerating. You're too sensitive. You're too critical. It's your fault. You brought it on yourself. 

And I know, what the Lord's Prayer says. My parents were forever quoting all the scriptures on how I was supposed to forgive. They never forgave anyone and held grudges to their death. Forgiveness is a weapon that they use against you. That whatever they do you have to exonerate them. But I do not believe that God ever intended you the victim to give blanket absolution to unrepentant people. He never meant that they could keep doing it. I know, even the scripture about forgiving 70x7. Unless it is the type of forgivness that just accepts that it happened 490 times. 

He doesn't expect you to be a doormat or to allow people to keep hurting you with no repentance. That's anathema to the purpose of forgiveness which is to check and change sinful behavior. Otherwise these self-centered people would just take it as carte blanche to keep sinning unchecked. Even God can't absolve what they won't confess. Contrition is required and they don't have it. Repentance is crucial to forgiveness and they just aren't sorry. 

When Jesus confronted the woman at the well, he didn't say it's cool, I forgive you, carry on. He said don't do it anymore. And that's what dark tetrads have no intention of doing, stopping the things they do. What they want is to keep on doing exactly what they've always done and a blind eye turned to it. Or actually to be told that it is right and just and that they are above the rules. Which is a contradiction in itself. Because if what you did was right, you wouldn't need forgiveness. And if you expect forgiveness the least you have to do is admit that it's wrong. 

In the final analysis, they are trying to gaslight God. 

Surprise things that help CPTSD from narcissistic parent abuse

Hello my friends. I've been writing a great deal about the CPTSD I experience from abuse by four dark tetrad (narcissistic, bullying, exploitative, cruel) parents.  My  goal isn't to "out" anyone but rather to find solace for my traumatized, shell-shocked self. If outing their behavior is part of that, well, so be it. I can't live in this misery anymore. That said, here are surprise things that help heal CPTSD. And note, when I say surprise I guess what I mean is surprisingly simple ways to  heal, kind of a gestalt thing you could say. 

Getting the most comfortable bed you can find. One of the ways I experienced abuse was in neglect of basic care. I was not provided a bedroom, proper bed or even a pillow for most of my growing up time. There was money for my stepmom to have a king-sized waterbed to herself. All of their other kids had comfortable beds. My mother made sure her boyfriend had an expensive feather pillow. I didn't even have a decent mattress. I was made to co-sleep with babies and children in cramped conditions with no privacy. I've had to share a bed, sleep on the floor, on uncomfortable couches, on camp bunks and on unheated porches, as my primary sleeping place. At 16, my mother and her husband kicked me out of the  house and I had to fend for myself. It seemed like I was always cold. 

All that has played hell with my back, neck, shoulders, hips etc and on my ability to sleep well. Not to mention causing extreme stress, anxiety and shame. Yes, shame. For being such a terrible person that I didn't even qualify for basic necessities. That's the message they put out. I nightmare all night long. I've gotten used to discomfort and deprivation. But I now that I know that this was neglect, I don't have to perpetuate the cycle. My husband has convinced me that it's not only okay, but necessary to spend what it takes to make sleep as restful as possible. 

Cuddling in warm, soft blankets. Along the same principle as getting a good bed, is having soft, warm bedding. And not just for the bedroom. Our couches have several blankets on them. I keep one wrapped around me most of the time I'm home. These blankets serve two purposes. First, warmth. But also emotional support and a making up to my inner child, for the nurture and care I didn't get as a kid. It's literally my security blanket. Wrapped in a blanket feels a little like getting the hugs and affection that were always withheld. Which brings me to the next point. 

Asking for and receiving cuddles, hugs, back rubs and other signs of affection. The only touch I got was either fake for show, conditional, hurtful or icky and sex-based. Or all of the above. I hated myself for being so ugly and untouchable that even my own parents were disgusted by me. Human touch became something to avoid. Even the word touch makes me sick.

I hug others because I think that's what they want and I'm a people pleaser. If left on my own, I'd be fine without it. This doesn't include my kids and grandkids. They get tons of affection from me because they deserve it and because I don't ever want another kid to go through what I went through. Not on my watch. But receiving adult affection has always been difficult for me. Thank God for my husband who has persevered and helped me to be less afraid of being touched. And so now that I'm in a healthy loving relationship, I can risk asking to be touched and not feel quite so dirty. I don't have to ask but it's good practice learning to be okay with myself requesting something. It's still difficult but getting better. And I'm also seeing how incredibly healing good touch is. 

Feeding CPTSD. If anyone needs comfort food, it's an adult who's been traumatized by childhood abuse. One of the other things I didn't get enough of were decent meals. At various times, I have stolen food I was so hungry. I have gotten overweight from food deprivation, because my body had to hold on to all the fat it could. I still often feel like I'll never get full. And I still feel guilty for eating too much or spending money on food for myself. Feeding the family, absolutely. But stopping to get a hamburger just for me, is very unfamiliar. Or even just saying, I need to eat now.  So I have to practice just doing it. I took myself out for Popeye's the other day cause it sounded good. I'm trying to keep a bunch of comforting food around. And by comfort food I don't mean junk food, although I do keep some chocolate around. I mean comforting and warm. I make a lot of soups, stews, casseroles and pasta dishes. I try to make it as healthy as possible but still nourishing. 

Blogging. AKA journaling. I don't know who's reading this but I do see that it's getting a fair amount of traction. But I don't write to be read as much as for catharsis. And I while I hope that it helps if you are struggling with anything similar, it's mostly for me, exorcise the demons in my head. 

Talking about childhood trauma. Telling my story to trusted people, appropriately and at appropriate times, is incredibly therapeutic. This may or may not include getting a counselor. I'm not sure I'm really sold on counseling unless there is no other person to talk to. I'm not faulting counseling but paying someone for compassion just doesn't feel genuine. And some of the best insights and most real empathy has come from my husband and a couple of dear friends. 

Prayer. This one's a little bit loaded. Because the concept of praying has been so misused in so many ways. It's used as a way to one-up and demean (see my  earlier post on things people say to appear helpful but which are actually shaming.). The prayer that helps me is just talking to God quietly and privately without making a big to-do over it. I talk to Him like a friend sitting with me, because He is. 

Developing hobbies. Mine are reading mysteries, doing puzzles, cooking, making model airplanes and writing poetry. And talking about them with others. My parents were never interested in anything that I was and made it clear they weren't. They were very self-involved. And they kept me so busy waiting on them that I had no time for hobbies, really. So this is as much about getting out of the habit of just working all the time as it is about the actual  hobby. It's retraining myself that down time is healthy that I don't have to be productive every second to be of value. 

Making a dedicated effort trust my own judgement and take care of myself. Like right now. I could be out working. The voices in my head are pestering me to, despite the weather being atrocious and dangerous. That's because no one ever cared what conditions I had to work in as long as I got their work done for them. No one cared how the excessive and heavy housework they put on me hurt my back. In fact they went out of their way to make it as difficult as possible. So I got used to ignoring red flags, pain, danger and just kept plowing through in very unsafe situations. Tonight, I'm choosing to pay attention to those red flags, stay in where it's warm, and ignore the voices in my head. 

Using phrases like "that's mine, not yours" and "no" and "paw off" more often. As a kid, I was not encouraged to consider anything mine. including a home, bedroom, possessions even money.  That, they said, was selfish. Stuff that was given to me was sold and money used on themselves. I used to have to clean the entire house but wasn't allowed to consider it my home. I dusted their furniture, ironed their clothes, washed their floors, co-slept with their kids. And didn't even have a corner to do my homework. Gifts were given to me that were actually for the other kids. I caught my mom going through my wallet. And she stole my son's shoes. I've never felt it was  right to even say "my house." But I'm starting to do it more often. And I'm not volunteering to be an ATM anymore. 

Disobeying.  Not doing as I was told (and I was told to do a lot) was tantamount to insurrection. Even if it was not in my best interest and very dangerous to do. Everyone demanded my obedience and service. I was on call  24/7. So now, to get healthier, I need to say no when doing something isn't good for me. Or even if I just don't feel like it. I don't expect others to wait on me, but it won't kill them to, once in awhile. I've waited on them long enough. And I certainly don't have to do that anymore. And they can say no to me. We're adults here. 

Doing what I want, when and where I want to. Even just writing this feels so incredibly selfish which proves how gaslit, shamed and under everyone's thumb I was. Having needs, I was told, was selfish. And wants? Didn't even have them, it was so dangerous. Yet they did exactly what they wanted and I took the fall when it went wrong.  So I'm thinking maybe doing what I want might not be the end of the world. Maybe what I want is a good thing? Or not. If it isn't, it's me who'll tumble. So might as well at least get the enjoyment of choosing to do the thing. 

Evict the squatters. My parents loved telling others off, especially me. They loved ordering others around. But they did not actually do those things themselves. They did the very things they were criticizing others for. And woe to anyone who had the audacity to tell them off. They regularly did unhealthy, unsafe, foolish things to others. Sometimes they went out of their way to endanger when a safer course was actually easier. All that crazy lives rent-free in my head. So it's time for them to go. 

Getting in the driver's seat. I have also always let their crazy take the wheel and crash me into wall. So I think I'll stop giving them the wheel. It's time for me to drive and to leave them behind.  I think I'll start trusting my good judgement and quit listening their bad. 

Finding and using my big girl voice. Whatever crap they put me through, I was expected to just roll with the punches and so I did. I defended and made excuses for them no  matter how hurtful was their behavior toward me. And it has destroyed my ability to take care of myself. To this day, the thought of confronting terrifies me. I'm so used to being shamed and blamed. I defer to others when asked things I know perfectly well. So I think it's high time I began speaking up and speaking out. 

And that's what this blog has become. I can't and don't want to talk about this with them. It would do no good and tons of harm to me. But I can address it here. And I plan to continue to. 

How narcissistic dark tetrad parents get away with their abuse and exploitation

Hello my friends. I'm working to heal CPTSD from decades of narcissistic parent abuse by the four people who called themselves my parents. Today I'm looking at how narcissistic / dark tetrad parents get away with all the abuse and exploitation they wreak on their child. And if you're looking here for an answer to this question, let me warn you. I don't know. 

Since I began this healing journey, I started asking myself how did no one see what was happening to me? Why did no one step up to help or at least guide me? Granted I never said anything. But I was a kid and very gaslit by my parents. Others in my life were adults who should have seen and at the very least, communicated to me that this was not normal or healthy. 

Maybe it's a matter of "Nobody expecting the Spanish Inquisition." Funny Monty Python meme but one which makes the point that perhaps dark tetrads get aways with harming their children because no one expects parents to act this way. Or maybe others turn a blind eye. Actually,  I'm sure they do. The evidence is there in the fact that traumatized kids do not act like other kids. And then there's the obviously bizarre, selfish, manipulative and dangerous things the narc parents do to their kids. 

My parents dragged me to Alaska to be "missionaries" when I was 5. There was no mission field or church sponsorship. It was just a huge delusion. Everyone could see that and no one thought it was a good idea. And yet we went and I was left on my own the majority of the time. Both my parents were thousands of miles away in Seattle, and Adak and other  parts of AK, at various times. We squatted and lived in tents. I played alone down by the docks like a bowery boy. My mom hooked up with men and my dad took groups of teens (so he said) on mission trips?! Neither parent was ever around. I was left with strangers on remote islands. I don't know how or what I even ate. 

And there sat all my family back in Michigan, living their happy normal lives, oblivious to the fact that I was literally in danger on a daily basis. My parents could barely manage basic parenting when there were watchful eyes around. They were notoriously immature, chronically unemployed and exceptionally needy. They moved every few months and didn't even have a proper bed for me. Did the extended family actually think my dysfunctional parents had suddenly become functional thousands of miles away?  Did they just not care? 

This is one small example of the continual crazy in my life. It was part of a fabric of neglect, abuse, exploitation, parentification, scapegoating, endangerment and abandonment. I've been hit and screamed at in front of others, kicked out of the house, stolen from and left alone as a little kid. I was a latchkey kid before there was a word for it. Our house was a revolving door of men. My dad dated a girl only a few years older than me when I was 9. I've heard, witnessed and been exposed to things most people cant' even imagine. It wasn't just abusive, it was insane.  

How did my normally loving, caring and responsible extended family not even see? I don't buy this shit that "well, back then you didn't interfere." Nonsense. My husband's grandmother "interfered" as in interceded on his behalf over things that were much more benign. And his parents accepted it as correction from an older, wiser person. It breaks my heart, and has been a very real source of gaslighting in my head, that mine didn't. 

It's not like these things were happening under the radar. My grandparents knew my mother was living with her boyfriend in our house (which was absolutely verboten in all circles, then) AND  my uncle 22 y/o and his girlfriend were bunking up in my room. My grandparents hadn't allowed him to play house in their house. Why was it okay in mine? One of my mom's foster kid's and her boyfriend sleeping on our living room floor. While I was sharing a room with four other foster kids under 5, including a toddler and an infant. My other grandparents knew their son had abandoned me and his duty to me, to wander around for a few years in Alaska. 

And all this was before they  married other whackjobs and had more kids that they didn't take care of and expected me to raise. Then the abuse just multiplied exponentially. And everyone just seemed to accept it as normal. Am I blaming my extended family? Not exactly but maybe I should be. I mean we are told that silence implies consent. Maybe it's about time I asked the hard questions instead of always believing they were perfect and could do no wrong. 

I don't know, maybe it was my own resilience that baffled others into thinking it was fine. I don't think that's any excuse but anyway. It's not like I'm asking anyone to fix it. Just reach out. Ask. Investigate. Tell me it's not okay or normal. Read the writing on the wall. Open their eyes to what was right there. But no, the one time, a few years ago, that I dared to share what life with them was like, I covered it in gratitude and kisses. I groveled and placated like I always do. And my aunt whom I shared it with, while admitting that my mother has always been a pain in everyone's ass, never acknowledged in any way, how difficult it must have been for me to live with. Way to perpetuate the gaslighting. 

I've been so indoctrinated that everything was fine, so shamed for ever speaking up that I've begun indoctrinating myself. I've been auto-shaming myself for even thinking of questioning anyone. I've been taught to exist on toaster crumbs that I never even considered asking for a full meal. I was groomed to believe that everything was my fault that I never considered that it might be otherwise. Now that I'm 60 years old, it's devilishly hard to undo that. 

Would it really have cost that much to just care what happened to me? To not fake that living with four patently obviously self-centered people was normal? I mean come on, my boyfriend's dad saw what was wrong the first time he met me. My extended family were loving people, or so I always thought. Now I'm not so sure.  They certainly jumped whenever my parents wanted anything. Why and how could they let a little kid dangle like that? One thing I know is that I'll never have answers or closure. 

12 ways traumatized kids play into narcissistic parents' hands

Hi friends. I'm on a mission to heal CPTSD from abuse by four narcissistic dark tetrad parents. What's a dark tetrad? That's an arrogant, bullying, manipulative, self-centered, cruel person who hurts others for personal gain and pleasure. In a parent, it's a Molotov cocktail. Today I'm looking at how dark tetrad parents weaponize an abused kid's trauma responses. Here are 12 ways traumatized kids play right into their bullying parents' hands. Yes some are contradictory. 

1) Showing fear. Dark Tetrad get off on terrifying people with their threatening behavior. And dark tetrad parents have the perfect victim in their kids. Children already fear a lot of stuff, especially those of us who grew up in scary chaotic situations. Dark tetrad parents know their kids will look to them for protection. They tell kids there's nothing to be afraid of, then lure them into their candy house. The kid never sees the witch till they're in the oven. What a rush it is for them to hold out hope and then snatch it away, all the while maintaining the kindly old lady guise. 

2) Not showing fear. Contradictorily, dark tetrad parents love it when kids put on a brave face thru all the shit their parents put them through. They see it as a challenge and up their game. "You're not afraid yet? Oh you will be when I'm done with you." And the child just feels like she's the one with the problem because what kind of  parent would purposely terrify their child?

3) Crying. Dark tetrad parent get a quadruple whammy out of this. First, they get the sick delight of making the kid cry, then they can fake comfort and lull the child into a false sense of security. And then they shame the poor kid for seeing thru the false comfort and still being afraid. They call the kid a "cry baby" or accuse her of showing off or some other such narcissistic bullshit. Lastly, they threaten the child that she'd better quit or "I'll give you something to cry about." Lather, rinse repeat. 

4) Not crying. Kids who stay stoic in the face of parental shaming, beatings, attacks, screaming sets a dark tetrad off in another direction, anger, of the self-righteous kind.  Which by the way, they get high on too. Two reasons. It feeds their bloated god-like sense of entitlement and above-it-all-ness. But on a deeper level, it embarrasses them because their child's calm maturity shows the adult's idiotic tantrums for what they are. 

5) Embarrassment or humiliation. Speaking of parent embarrassment, dark tetrads looooovvee to see their kids ashamed preferably by something they've done to humiliate the child but which others don't see. The parent does the shameful thing and the kid gets the blame. Which is of course value added. They get to act foolish plus see someone else made a fool of. My mom invited me to  her company picnic and then threw a pie in my face. I was often the schlimazel to my one of my parents' schlemiel. 

6) Bed-wetting, nightmares, sleep-talking, sleep-walking or other nighttime disturbances. This is manna to a bullying parent, who has caused the night trauma in the first place. And it's a bonus fix because the parents gets the fun of wreaking havoc, mocking the child and then acting all condescending and dismissive over the fears set off the damn sleep problems in the first place. My mother's lazy-ass live-in used to sleep all day on the couch and stay up all night watching scary shows. He'd rage if anyone woke him or asked him to turn the TV (our TV!) down. And then he and my mother would make fun of  me for walking, crying and calling out in my sleep. 

7) Having accidents like dropping or breaking things, falling, or even wetting pants. Dark tetrads really hit the jackpot here. They neglect medical care so the child doesn't see properly or has postural issues from living in unsafe situations. Or from physical abuse. They caused the nervousness which makes the child jumpy and accident-prone. Then they make fun of the child calling her a klutz. And then they get high-horse bitchy because the child made a mess. And condescendingly "help" the child clean it up.

8) Expressing shock at parents' shocking behavior. Dark tetrads adore attention, preferably by startling, disturbing, upsetting, worrying or generally unnerving people, especially their kids. It's crack to them.  They go out of their way to do and say the weirdest things to make them uncomfortable. My mother's live-in used to love to hold  out a donut to one of her foster care kids, then scream "NO!" and watch the child fling the donut cry and sometimes wet  his pants. Oh how they'd laugh. Sick MF-ers. 

9) Exhibiting stress. Traumatized kids live in constant chaos which causes stress which causes constant bursts of cortisol and adrenaline which causes a myriad of health problems. All of which is caused by their dark tetrad parents stressing and traumatizing them regularly. So again, bonus is that the parent gets to create the chaos and then get annoyed with the child's natural stress responses. And then use it against the child or punish them. And then enjoy watching all the suffering they've created. (Dark tetrads are sadistic). 

10) Being sick or tired. Dark tetrad parents enmesh with kids and live parasitically off them. They routinely drain their child's resources. They neglect her basic care. They make her ill and exhaust her with their ceaseless neediness, inappropriate demands and unhealthy expectations. And then, when they've sucked the life out of her, voila, they blame her for being of no use to them anymore. They say she's "showing off" or "too sensitive" or looking for attention. 

11) Getting annoyed or angry. This one might be a dark tetrad parent's favorite response from their children. Because oh the payout, especially if they are religious dark tetrads. They systematically antagonize the child. They deprive, bully, harass, goad and frustrate her to no end. And remember they've also been living off her like tics. So she's constantly weak. And then when she snaps (which is surprisingly rare and very mild given her exhaustion) they act as if she's just destroyed the world. Their blazing, shaming, scathing fury knows no bounds. Everything mean thing they've ever done is exonerated by the child's one tiny act of defiance. They harangue her with God's wrath at her wickedness. They call her every name in the book. 

They accuse her of being angry, disobedient, disloyal, disrespectful, etc. Notice how they ignore the fact that they are doing these very things regularly. They actually scream at her and hit her just for speaking up?! Or not being happy enough at being exploited. My vengefully angry father and spiteful, manipulative stepmother (who hated each other) said I was the entire problem in their family because I was "so angry." They conveniently forgot how they had enslaved me and done things to me that would enrage a saint.

12) Showing discomfort or awkwardness when parent purposely behaves inappropriately, especially sexually This is similar to embarrassing the child but worse. Narcissists are notoriously provocative, the root word of which is provoke. They activate feelings of shame in the child by acting perverted. They're weirdly flirty, they even with kids. They crash kids' boundaries and invade privacy. If divorced, they date people who are way too young or old for them. 

My mom and dad and her later boyfriends were all "off" sexually. My mom would talk to me about sex when I was 8. She said it was for my own good but it was always anecdotal and creepy. When I'd beg her to stop she'd get annoyed and keep right on. She would horrify me with stories of how boyfriends "raped" her. Yet she'd keep seeing them. She told me that my grandfather "hit on her." 

She's used me as as sex therapist all my life. She said we were "more like sisters anyway." (Her sisters would NOT have tolerated that!) She would make out with boyfriends (yes, gross) in front of me  She ran around naked and told everyone she slept naked. She actually did at my house when I was married adult kids. My mom's boyfriend would openly mock me for my small breasts when I was 11. This is obviously sick perverted child sex abuse but I didn't know it at the time. I thought it was just normal. 

There are more ways these twisted parents abuse their kids. These are just the ones off the top of my head. 

  

10 disturbing things dark tetrad parents accuse scapegoats of that they do themselves

 Hello my friends. In my quest to heal CPTSD from narcissistic and dark tetrad (malignant, entitled, arrogant, manipulative, sadistic) parent abuse, I'm exploring hypocritical things my parents accused me of doing that they were doing themselves. I'm also looking at why they would do this. For a discussion on how I now know that these accusations were actually hypocritical and false, please read my previous post. 

Narcissistic and particularly dark tetrad parents point a LOT of fingers at the children they have targeted as scapegoats. They blame and shame, judge unfairly, browbeat, find fault with, nitpick, attack, bully, target, humiliate and harass their kids constantly. But there's an old saying that when you point your finger at someone, remember there are four more pointing back at you. Or as the Bible says, the measure you use against others (especially your vulnerable kids) will be used against you. So if you're quick point out wrong in others, be careful. Cuz it's coming back on you. 

I didn't know that as a kid. I believed that the mean, nasty things they said about me were true. I believed I did the awful things they accused me of. I took it all to heart. I felt ashamed and stupid all the time. I still do. Those injuries from those old slings and arrows don't go away. They fester and  poison everything. But now that I've allowed myself to accept that this is cruel and wrong, I see exactly how they accomplished it and why they did it. 

They thought that by pointing fingers at me would keep the focus on me and off from them. And because there were four of them in cahoots, it did sort of. Or at least that's how it looked to me. I don't know if anyone else saw the abuse and exploitation. If they did, no one ever said anything or lifted a finger to help me out. I've always wondered how they could turn blind eyes to all the neglect, abandonment, endangerment, mind -effing and scapegoating. But that's material for another post. 

So here are the ten disturbing things (included but not limited to) that I was accused of. Bear in mind these attacks were NOT correction for any specific behavior. There was no love in them whatsoever. Nor were any explanations given as to  what I'd actually done. They didn't do it to help me learn to be better. They wanted me to keep doing whatever it was they said was wrong so as to cover what they were actually doing. It was humiliation and intimidation pure and simple. 

They came from nowhere. They would ambush with no provocation. They would be accompanied with rage, screaming, physical assault, sneering condescension, vicious mocking, cruelty and bullying. They usually occurred in front of others. In fact assaults were strategically launched when there was an audience. They were so shocking in intensity that those around would gasp. I once wet my pants in fright. 

As I look back, even with my gaslight mind, damaged memory and mental confusion, I can't recall having done any of these things I was being punished for. I do recall many times observing them doing these things however. It makes me sick with anger to think of the poor little girls I was, being treated so abominably. And now that I see, let 'em try it again.  Cuz this lady is taking no more shit no more. Hell hath no fury...

So I'll list the accusations and then the examples later.  

1) You're a show-off . Not just that I sometimes showed off but that I WAS a show off by my very nature. 

2) You're looking for attention. When I was sick. 

3) You're just trying to get out of work. You're lazy. 

4)You're fishing for compliments. When I was singing in the bathroom. 

5) You're a selfish, disrespectful, disobedient brat. When I asked to try on my new Christmas sweater. 

6) You're a liar. The few times I told what happened.  

7) You raised your hand to me. When my mom was hitting me. 

8) You're just jealous. When my mom and dad married new people (oh, btw, whom I was also supposed to wait on and serve). 

9) You're a humiliation to us. We're ashamed of you. I don't even recall the situation. 

10) You've committed sins God won't forgive you for. When my dad was trying to get dirt on me. 

11) You're no daughter of mine. When I came home an hour late. 

Wow. All those things. Well, let's begin with the last one. You're damn right I'm no daughter to you. You're not my dad. You're my mothers shack job. And dad, you're right too. When have you ever treated me like a daughter? Come to that when have any of you? I've been servant, surrogate spouse, surrogate parent and scapegoat. Let me turn that back on ya. You're no parent of mine! 

And I'VE committed sins God won't forgive? Well then ya look in the mirror! Mom you were cheating on my dad in front of me! You were hooking up with married men! You moved you boyfriend into our house. And dad, you were hooking up with a 17 y/o when you were 34! You ran off and left me for two years. 

I'm the humiliation? Say the people who dragged me through all the aforementioned nonsense. Says the mom who dressed like a "hooker" for a church party. Who never had my back. Who weren't there for me. You do know most  kids thought I didn't have a dad?? And most kids weren't allowed at my house because you all were so bizarre and sexually off. 

And, showing off,  isn't that odd? Because I remember staying small and quiet so as not to piss off anyone off. I remember you all getting in fights and then turning your spotlights on me. 

Disobedient? I remember being so obedient that I did all their housework, childcare and most of the cooking.  I recall co-sleeping with all of their kids with them sleeping so far away that they would not have heard if there was an emergency. 

And jealous, that's rich coming from the "mother" who flaunted her boyfriends to me? Do you not hear how weird that sounds for a mom to say that to her daughter? Like I was a school chum you were trying to make jealous? You've been been envious of others all your life and you've blown through every relationship with your relentless pursuit of one-upmanship. 

If I'm so selfish, how come you're the one with my money? You've borrowed without repaying, stolen, lied, cheated and conned all your life. You literally sold my stuff to buy your unemployed boyfriend a motorcycle. 

So you say mom, that you stopped slapping me across the face because I raised my hand to you. You told my kids you never hit me. You said when I slapped my daughter's face it was child abuse (which I regret and always will). So which is is?  You were always so smug and self-righteous and pissed off when you were hitting me. As if you liked it. There was no sorrow, no remorse, like I felt when I misguidedly spanked my kids. So if I did raise my hand to you, which I don't recall doing, why were you hitting me? Why did I need to defend myself? 

I remember your biting sarcasm when you'd say "listen here, Sister Sue, you're not going to treat me like that!" And then hauling off, very  much in anger, walloping me. WTF?? Who were you talking to really? I was 8 and I loved you with all my heart. You knew that. What could I possibly have said to warrant that? Answer: nothing. You said I mouthed off. What does that even  mean? I can't recall saying anything unkind let alone mouthy. Could it be that someone had confronted you on something you did and you took it out on me?

And if I did, kids mouth off. If I'm honest, I thought it was funny when my kids did. I wish I'd never followed your poisonous example and spanked them. I wish I hadn't listened to  your bitch-ass voice warning me against "sparing the rod and spoiling the child." And then telling my kids I abused them when it was YOU who told me to. And YOU who lied and said you never hit me. And then gloated to me about how you did. Woman, you are such a liar. 

How is me singing in the bathroom any different than you playing your violin wherever we went. And what the actual were you doing in the bathroom with me?? This one really hurts because I enjoyed your playing. Too bad you couldn't just enjoy my singing. I guess that's just another way dark tetrad ruin everything. 

And I'm not one trying to get out of work. I DID YOUR work. I ironed your clothes, mopped your floors on my hands and knees, got up with your kids, scrubbed your toilets. You're the lazy ones.  Stepmomma, you sat your life away and ate yourself to death. You couldn't keep wood cut for the stove. You're all always scamming. 

I'm not showing off. I'm sick because you neglected my medical care. I didn't get glasses till I was nearly blind and the school said I had to have them. My back is trashed from sleeping on pull out couches, unheated porches and tiny youth beds. I'm in constant pain from doing far too  heavy housework. 

And just me being me is being a show off? Anything I do is all for show? Well, isn't that convenient. Because now if I were to tell anyone about the shit you put me through, it was just be put down to showing off. God I wish someone in the family, or church, or school or anywhere would have stepped in and told me how wrong this was. I don't expect them to have rescued me (but it would have been nice). At least it would have helped me to make sense of this emotional hell and not absorb it all into myself. 

But chance would be a fine thing. 

Hypocritical crap narc parents accuse us of and how it affects us as adults

Hello my friends. If you're following, you know that I'm exploring my CPTSD developed from narcissistic dark tetrad parental abuse. You might wonder (I know I do) why I keep delving into it. Why can't I just "let it go" "move on" etc? I mean after all, I'm an adult now, right? Yeeah, kinda and kinda not. The thing about narcissistic parental abuse is that it doesn't stay in childhood. It follows me everywhere. 

Would that I could just move on, walk away, grow up. It's not me who can't let go, it's the trauma that WON'T let ME go. It hounds me in nightmares (CPTSD), voices in my head, kneejerk trauma responses and monkeys on my back. All of which was unbeknownst to me. I just knew I hurt a lot and did a lot of weird things and couldn't understand why. 

So finally opening up at 60 about things long buried, is new and scary. I second guess and criticize myself all the time and always have done. Which is why I know now that it's critical that I keep on talking. Because the abuse, attacks and gaslighting is what caused this constant self-attacks in the first place. All the shame and fear accumulated in me has caused me to gaslight myself into believing I'm always wrong. And the only way to heal that is to address this shame head on. 

To do that, I need to unpack all the disturbing hypocritical crap my parents accused me of and how it affects me now. I say hypocritical because as I connect the dots, I see that the majority if not all the odd things they accused me of doing, being, saying were in fact things THEY were doing, saying and being. I have beaten myself up all my  life for these things I was supposedly doing. Though I couldn't for the life of me, see how. What they said didn't make sense. 

But then my memory and ability to think clearly, were also damaged by lies and gaslighting. They undermined my real memories and implanted false ones. So, you may be asking, as I myself do, how I know which were real and which were fake? Well, therein lies the rub. I don't know and that's why I'm so easily confused and lacking in confidence. The gaslighting is real, folks! 

I think the solutions lie in the triplet facts that 1) I'm very hard on myself, 2) I've cut them way too much slack and 3) I can't remember doing the awful things they said I did. If I had done these things, I'd have been the first to flagellate myself. They wouldn't need to even say anything. I'd know I'd done wrong, feel ashamed and try to make it right. 

Okay so this was a long build up to the list of things narcissistic dark tetrad parents accuse scapegoat kids of. And I'm pretty exhausted so I may need to start another post to address that. 

Detoxing toxic parents teaching on self-care and care-taking

Hi friends. You know how every so often you get an aha moment where things that didn't make sense suddenly do? I'm having a lot of those surrounding my dark tetrad parents and the toxic things they taught me. One that occurred to me today is how a lot of the coping responses that kids with CPTSD do are driven by self-protection. Now if that isn't bass-ackwards I don't know what is: a child having to protect herself from the very people who are supposed to protect her! 

I'm not talking about the occasional slip-up in parent care. What I experienced was a consistently chaotic, unsafe environment with four dangerous, enmeshed narcissistic dark tetrad parents who strategically tore down any effort at boundary setting. They terrified me then weaponized that fear against me.  They shamed me for daring to think I deserved better. They wore down my resistance with cruel and inhuman mind games, until they had a shell-shocked too-compliant nervous wreck of a kid.  A kid whose entire approach to life was dancing attendance on others.

So what was the lightbulb in realizing this? That pretty much everything, no I take that back, everything I thought and felt and now think and feel as an adult is informed by fear and shame. And everything I did and do is driven by self-protection from threat. I grovel because I was taught to. I keep quiet because I was slapped until I shut up. I second guess myself on anything because I was lied to and gaslit about everything. And the realization of all this is staggering. So much so that I can hardly believe it's true. 

But the more I fact-check the more lies I uncover. And the more I understand how dark tetrad (self-centered, manipulative, exploitative, remorseless, cruel) parents screwed up every normal thing for me. Let's go back to the example of self-care and care-taking. My parents really flipped those concepts around. They systematically drilled me in care-taking of them and not taking care of me. Self-care was selfish, disobedient and unGodly, for me. And it was very dangerous not to give them their way, so I did. And I do now with everyone else out of that same perceived danger.

They were very black and white about how rules applied to me and 500 shades of gray for themselves. So now, everything is a moral dilemma for me and one I'm always failing on. A moral dilemma about which, I might add, they have no qualms about. There was soooooooo much deception and exploitation! 

And words, oh my how they used them to twist and twist, till they had me all screwed down. They used dark hints, screaming rages, constant irritation, veiled threats, demeaning tone of voice, scoffing facial expressions to perfection. God, when I think of it, it was like a bad melodrama, with Snidely Whiplash and his menacing eyebrows and stagey piano. It sounds kind of ridiculous now. But at the time it was really scary. I still get a stomachache when I recall. 

I remember my mother was always in and out of roles and I never knew (still don't) which is the real her. And certainly not who I was expected to be, in response to her shifting selves. She would dump some icky stuff about sex on me and then suddenly become annoyed by some kid thing I'd done. Or nothing. Then she'd play the mommy role and drum up something I'd done wrong so she could chide me. She'd adopt this smug, prissy look and slap me across the face. Then she'd make out with her boyfriends in front of me, almost like a mean girl flaunting them. And then she'd march me to church and shame me for wanting to wear tennis shoes. 

 She'd make very backstabby remarks and then call others "catty." She'd call others on immorality and then literally strut into the room wearing super skimpy clothes. And then she'd play the pretty baby who just needed a fwiend. She'd do this odd lip pout and confide in me like a bestie. She's say "we're more like sisters than mother and daughter." Then laugh at me with whoever was her current boyfriend. And then make supper like a real mom. I didn't get at the time how odd that was. 

I was suspected and accused of all kinds of weird shit which I was lied to and about having done, though I have no memory of it. Actually, I have implanted false memories that when I look back now, I can't recall. So I question myself mercilessly. I dream I supposedly did these terrible things every night. It was like living among shadows of monsters.  I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to just be a kid. To laugh and not feel guilty. To play and not be afraid. To be loved, oh, that one. Yeah. 

Healthy things childhood trauma survivors can do to heal CPTSD from narcissistic parent abuse

 Hi friends! I've been doing a lot of excavating of my long-buried history of trauma from four narcissistic parents and family of origin. My hope is to get some healing from CPTSD trauma responses, nightmares, toxic shame and crippling suffering. Here are some healthy things I'm learning to do, to get better. 

1) Learn about dark triad, dark tetrad and narcissistic parent behavior. I was subject to four dysfunctional parents, two bio and their new spouses plus all their new kids. All four exhibited behaviors of dark triad and dark tetrad: Machiavellian (exploiting for selfish reasons) narcissistic (arrogant, self-absorbed), psychotic (remorseless, lacking in empathy, nasty) and sadistic (doing this purposely to cause pain, getting pleasure from others' pain). 

2) Limit or cut contact with dark tetrad parents. Regardless of whether they know or can control their toxic behavior, these are dangerous people to be around. After finally realizing my life with them was nothing but abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, enmeshment, inappropriate expectation, exploitation, manipulation, triangulation, backstabbing, parentification, bullying, shaming, scapegoating, invalidation and gaslighting about it all, I had no choice but to severely limit contact. It was either that or lose my sanity. 

3) Provide things for yourself and your inner child that you lacked. Growing up, we lived, or should I say flopped,  in a lot of unsafe, unhealthy places. There was a lot of deprivation of basic necessities, like beds, food and a bedroom. There was a lot of chaos. I was expected to be the adult and parent as a kid. Consequently, I can never relax. I'm always cold and frequently hungry. I'm in a lot of physical pain from having to do hard physical labor too young and from sleeping in cramped, cold conditions. So now, I've created the safest, coziest sleeping arrangement as possible. I now have a caring, loving family and I'm learning to let down my guard. I've covered the bed with soft, warm blankets. Sometimes, I just lay there and allow the comfort of being loved and nurtured soak in. 

4) Do less. I was made to do a lot of things I shouldn't have been made to do, by selfish,  controlling people. I was caregiver, parent, spouse, housekeeper, nanny and maid. I've grown to be the poster girl Type A, driven overachiever. I've learned too much empathy and to kowtow. I believe it's my job to do and be everything so others can slack off and order me around. I feel constant guilt and shame for not being perfect. And it's made me miserable and suicidal at times. My therapy now is to play my part and let others play theirs. Fortunately for me, I have loving people who do their part and don't want to exploit me. 

5) Accept that I'm good enough. Between the crazy concoction of over-expectation and deprivation, I learned some pretty weird coping skills. A constantly transactional life with me never getting my part in the bargain has taught me to fawn, fix, fly, freeze and fight. I'm afraid all the time. I second guess every move I make. What I have to work on now is reteaching myself that I'm good enough. I don't have to earn everything and I owe no one anything besides basic respect. 

6) Redefine everything. Love, care, responsibility, family, obedience, parents, siblings, home, self-care, stepparents, God, duty, loyalty, respect: all these concepts were perverted, inverted, damaged and destroyed for me. So now I have to go back and learn their correct definitions. 

7) Live within my boundaries and keep others in their place. Especially about boundaries between what I will and what I won't do. In past, my parents were all and everything. They were so enmeshed with me that I had no self. Now I'm learning where they end and I begin.  What I will and won't tolerate., what I want, need and expect of others. This is not to say they will necessarily respect me. Most likely they won't, and it that case, refer to step 2. It's not about what they will do, it's about me. I'm starting to draw the line at certain of their behaviors. I'm getting out and staying out of situations I'm uncomfortable in. I now choose what I do and don't. 

8) Be confidently honest. I used to keep quiet all the time about opinions, thoughts, knowledge or experiences. I knew no one cared and would just exploit, shame, ignore, turn a blind eye, etc. I was also afraid to share because I was so often told I was wrong. Now, when appropriate, I say something if I disagree. If it's important enough. Especially to gaslighting and lies about my own experiences. If they don't like it, well maybe good. It's about time they heard my truth. 

Hurtful responses to childhood trauma survivors that make CPTSD even worse

Hi friends. I've been doing a lot of archeology into origins of my CPTSD and the more I dig the more trauma and trauma-related problems I find. I've begun talking about the abuse, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, parentification, shaming, demeaning, invalidating, enmeshment, triangulating, exploitation, scapegoating and gaslighting I experience throughout my life from four narcissistic dark tetrad parents. And I've gotten some interesting feedback, some helpful and some very hurtful. Here are hurtful responses to childhood trauma that make CPTSD even worse than it already is. 

"Just grow up. You're being childish." Yes, I've heard these and other such shaming comments. Once at Alanon meeting of all places! These judgmental comments are nothing more than victim blaming. This unsolicited advice implies that it's my fault that I'm suffering from abuse. I'm not "working at recovery." That sharing it ( at a place where you're supposed to share such things) is immature. Oh for eff's sake, of course it's childish, it's called CHILDHOOD TRAUMA. 

"You're an adult now." And? I wish I could just outgrow it, like last year's sweater. And grown up I may be but adult I have to work at, because I was not allowed to grow up normal. I wasn't taught basic skills like self-care. My inner child is screaming for recognition, love, help she's been denied of for 60 years! The  last thing I need is 

"It's in the past." And anyone who knows anything about childhood trauma knows it follows you into the present. Your narcissist persecutors don't stop because you've reached the age of majority. They get worse because they know they're losing their grip on you. 

"You need to let go." (said with condescending arrogance, as if they've just solved all your problems for you, you're welcome.) Well, genius, I'd be happy to do that but IT won't let ME go. I nightmare about it nightly. And I just told you that but I guess you weren't listening. Also narcissistic parents don't let you go and grow. They want you stuck in the mess they've made of their lives. 

"Your problem is you're dwelling on it." Another mic drop Ta-da. You can almost see them dusting their hands. What rubbish! I'm dwelling IN it, like quicksand. It's dwelling in me. I CAN'T get out of it because it was implanted in me. So thanks anyway, but keep your smug toxic shaming to yourself, I've had ENOUGH of that and it's what's gotten me to this awful mindspace. 

"We all had difficult parents, honey." Well, I'm sorry for you but clearly you're not struggling with it because if you were you'd be more sensitive and less sententious.  You'd know what it is to be minimized, dismissed, invalidate, like you're doing now. 

"Well, at least your parents didn't do (insert thing they assume your parents didn't do). Or, at least they gave you (insert thing they assume my parents gave me which they actually often didn't). You just told me all I need to know about you as parent. You're just as bad as my parents, glossing over all they did with a clearcoat of toxic positivity. 

"But you had some good times, right?" Wrong. And you're not asking right as in fact finding but to gotcha me into some humbled admission. Just like my parents did. If you're trying to gaslight me into believing a few trips for ice cream makes up for decades of abuse, that a breadcrumb trail is proper care, good luck. I've been gaslit by people who were far better at it and I've seen the light. 

"You think your parents were bad, you should hear about mine." (and so we do, for the next four hours) But this isn't a competition for worst parent of the year,  but if it were, I'd go story for story with you any day. Cuz I've heard yours and if that's the worst you've got, it's a day at the park, compared to my life. And I had FOUR dark tetrads ruling over me. I have to wonder why, if your parents were so bad, you're not more sensitive to a fellow sufferer. There's not a scarcity of concern. I can feel as sad about your situation as I do mine. You don't have to beat me to the well. 

"You're just trauma dumping." (heard that too, at Alanon). Well, if you don't want to listen, don't go to a group counseling session. And I'm not actually doing that. I work very hard to show that I hold no one present responsible. I appreciate their listening ear and tell them so.  I'M not the one victim shaming and weaponizing psycho-jargon here. You are. And we're not supposed to critique others' sharing, in the first place. 

 "Are you praying about it? You need to pray more." Oh what a novel idea. Why didn't I think of that? And why are you saying it in such a way that suggest I don't?" Do you get some kind of narcissistic hit off undermining me? I've been praying about it for sixty years. That's how I survived, no thanks to anyone on this planet. You also don't get how prayer works. You don't tell God what to do. You ask him for help dealing with it by, maybe sending caring people (which you clearly aren't). 

""When I have problems I just trust God. You should too." Ummm, do you? Cuz honestly, I've not seen much evidence of it. I've seen you place a lot of trust in things of earth. And heard you griping like hell when someone upsets you. Where's all your faith, trust, hope, yada yada then? I think it's more talk than walk. Oh and don't assume I don't trust (why would you, anyway?). How do you think I've survived as well as I have? 

"Have faith." In what exactly? I had faith all my life in people who were faithless, unfaithful and fake. Oh, you meant God? Well, clearly I do because I'm still here,  which I wouldn't be if I was just doing it solo. And again, why are you assuming I don't? Do you think this makes you sound holy? It doesn't. You sound sanctimonious, self-righteous and ignorant. Just like my parents. 

"It's okay because Jesus loves you." Well, yes, He does but that doesn't mean I don't need human love. Just like you and everyone else. And it isn't okay that they hurt and abused me. Neither with me nor with God. Why is okay with you? (because you're not the one suffering.) 

"You just need to forgive them." (facepalm). Uh, define forgive. If you mean forget it happened, tell them it's fine and all's well? It did, I'm not and it isn't. Plus, all three of those things are contradictory. If it's fine, there's nothing to forgive. If it's wrong, saying it's right is a dangerous lie. (and one that I told far too many times over their many hurts.) Faking all's well is deadly. I can't even absolve them. A priest can't. God can't. Because 1) they're not sorry 2) they haven't confessed it 3) they're fine with what they did. 3) they've lied and said that it didn't happen or if it did they forgot or it was my fault. Now, if by forgive you mean accept that it happened ( which is the correct definition, BTW), been there done that. 

"You're holding a grudge." I don't even know what that means and I don't think you do either. If you mean saying what happened is grudge holding, why would you exhort me not to do something that's healthy for me? And they've held grudges against me all my life! If you mean don't be angry, I was never mad even when I should have been. I excused everything they did and it's killing me. If you mean don't hold them accountable, well God does so argue with Him. 

"You're letting it drive a wedge between you." Argh! Why all the victim-blaming?? They have been driving wedges between us all my life. They've triangulated, lied about me, set me up, pitted people against me, scapegoated and excluded me from their family. I used to just tolerate it and come back for more. Now you're telling me when I'm finally getting healthy to go back to my old dysfunctional behavior? No ma'am. I'm letting those wedges stay. 

"You're punishing them." How could I do that? Am I abusing them? Nope, that's their domain. Am I retaliating? I couldn't do all the mean things they did to me, if I tried. Am I trash talking them? Nope I'm saying what they did. If that's trashing them, what they did must be pretty trashy. And I don't need to punish them. They'll get plenty in time. 

"Going no contact hurts them." How so? They've repeatedly cut me off unless they wanted something. Then they let me in long enough to get it then slammed the door in my face. They've abandoned me, as in left me with strangers in Alaska. They kicked me out of the house when I was 16, for pete's sake! I'm just not busting my butt to constantly mend fences I didn't break. I don't think it hurts, just angers them that I did what they've always felt was their sole prerogative. And because now I'm not around to be their cat's paw. 

"They need you now they're old." If they need things, how does it feel? It sucked when I needed things they deprived me of. They don't need as much as want. So they're old? They've been exploiting and taking from me all my life. The well of giving has run dry. 

"You're responsible to care for them."  Nope, I'm responsible to care for myself which being with them is not. Because I have cared for them too much, all their lives and gotten only hurt in the process. If they'd cared for me, I'd be caring more for them now. But the rules didn't apply to me, regarding what they owed me and so they don't apply to me now. It's always been transactional with me getting stung in the bargain. 

"Just ignore them." Er, when I did that you said I was being unforgiving, punishing, grudge-holding. So which is it? Oh, you didn't mean actually ignore them and have nothing to do with them. You meant turn a blind eye to what they did and let them continue to do it. Why would I want to do that? And why would you suggest it?

"They didn't mean to hurt you." Sooo, they accidentally attacked, bullied and exploited me? They inadvertently lied and blamed me for things they did? They didn't mean to steal from me, my stuff just ended up in their possession? Oopsie put me out on the street. Accidentally let me play alone? Hmmm. 

"They meant well." Oh. Well, in that case, I'm not hurt. Poof! As if! Tell that to my nightmares. Has my  mother been talking to you. Are you her lawyer? 

"They did their best." If that was their best, I'd hate to see the worst. And if it was the best why was it just for me and none of their spouses and new family? Don't tell me they had an epiphany about how badly they'd treated me and learned their lesson with the next set. Because they've never apologized or even admitted they did wrong. There were just two sets of rules and double standards. 

"It was a joke. They didn't mean anything by it." Buuuut, no one else was laughing. And they could mock me endlessly but when I made a general joke they took the wrong way, I was cursed and screamed at. Also, something is very definitely meant by sarcasm, backstabbing, humiliating and making fun of. And they ain't good things. 

"You're slamming the door on your family." Yes? You say that like it's a bad thing. And news flash, THERE NEVER WAS A FAMILY!! There was me being told there was when things were expected of me but not when I was owed things. I was an outsider when it came to getting things. Hell, outsiders were treated better than me. Ours was a give and take relationship, me giving good and taking bad and them taking my good and giving me bad. 

"You're just letting them get to you." So you do admit they are trying to hurt me? Cuz earlier you said... oh never mind. I forgot, you're about victim blaming and shaming, not actually helping me heal. And yes, I have. That's what I've been taught to do. It wasn't safe not to. Why are you minimized cruelty? Why are saying it like me not letting it get to me will make things better? I tried that and it only got worse because they want me to feel the pain and shame. 

These are just a few of the disturbing things I've been told. I don't know why. I can tell you what I think is behind it. They're dealing with their own childhood trauma and talking to themselves through me. Which makes things worse for both of us. Or they treat their kids like I was treated and don't like hearing what it's like for the kid. Or they make light of it because they are also narcissists with little empathy and a big need to pontificate. 

And one thing I know for sure. But one thing I do know, is they're not helpful or even well-meaning. These hurtful comments send me down rabbit holes of shame and self-doubt. I think they are meant to. And people who make them should be avoided at all costs. 

Weird ways narcissistic parents parentify their kids, especially daughters

Hi friends! I've written before how I developed CPTSD from my four dark tetrad parents mistreatment, including abuse, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, exploitation, scapegoating, shaming, invalidation, enmeshment, triangulation, parentification and gaslighting, to name a few. Some of those terms may be unfamiliar or confusing (they are to me, too). So let's look at what each meant in my life. Today my journey to heal CPTSD from dark tetrad parent abuse requires a look at weird ways my parents parentified me. 

First let's explore parentification. What it means is that a child is forced to take on parental roles. She's subjected to adult expectations, particularly being made to do what her parents should be doing for themselves and for her. It's role reversal. She is made to care not only for her parents as if she was their parent but also their other children. Narcissist parents also play both ends for the middle. For all the work the I did for all of them (two bio, two step parents, their 5 children and foster kids),  I was and am still treated like an immature, disobedient child. 

The parentified child is given no actual authority, just responsibility. The parents retain inappropriate authority which they use arbitrarily. They demand respect which they haven't earned and don't demonstrate respect for others. They neglect care of the child and then act weirdly and confusingly over-caring when others are around. They turn a blind eye and leave the child in egregiously dangerous situations and then act nonchalant and remorseless. They ignore the child when she's doing something unsafe and then feign concern when she's hurt. They act chaotically and unpredictably and then all of a sudden set strange, random rules. Essentially they act like perpetual 13-year-olds and expect their child to behave like the adult. 

They place mountains of inappropriate expectation on her. But she's never allowed even basic rights. If she displeases them, which she always does because they're implacable, it's catastrophic. She's treated worse as a kid than anyone has ever treated them in their lives. They expect her to do to perfection, as a kid what they've never done as adults. AND most gaslighty of all, I was indoctrinated to believe that this was God's will for me. Talk about a win-win situation. They get their work done for them, their needs met by their child as if they were the children and they still get to retain this image of being the parents. It's the ultimate dark tetrad parent con game. 

You may be wondering right now if this isn't just normal. Isn't that just training kids to be responsible? If you really think that, I'm honestly really disappointed in you, but let's look at why that's so not so. Parentified children don't just help out (boy was I conned by THAT term). They perform responsibilities which are the parents' jobs. Dangerous, heavy work that child bodies are too small to do without injury. Like ironing, mopping floors on their knees, vacuuming with those ancient heavy vacuums. Scaling snowbanks to hang diapers on the line, then taking the frozen ones down. 

They do EVERYONE else's work for them at the expense of their own health and wellbeing. After school, I would hit the ground running with the long list of chores my stepmother had for me. I worked up till dinner which was scant at best. Then had to clean up, get everyone's vitamins ready, help with the kids till they went to bed, etc. Only then was I allowed time to do homework and I often stayed up too late just to get it done. Then next morning up at dawn to lather, rinse repeat. 

Now, she, on the other hand, had to have at least an hour "to herself" to "wake up." She had the occasional part time job but mostly just sat at home. Yet she needed lots of "down time" after doing the slightest thing. And hours of TV before bed. And she slept in till almost noon. My dad needed " his alone time" because he worked. Adults were always pratting about how exhausted they were from their responsibilities and how maybe I should just do a little more. 

My mom's boyfriend, who later became her husband, just sat on his ass watching TV till 3 am (keeping me up and walking and talking in my sleep which he made fun of me for.) He slept all the time and didn't even cut wood for the woodburning stove. He would throw oil or tires on it, so we all froze most of the time, especially me being made to sleep on the unheated front porch. When I was co-sleeping with their babies. 

And speaking of that, being made to sleep with the babies and get up with them was a weird way parentification. Not the weirdest but anyway. Every time either set of parents had a baby, Marilisa always wound up in the baby's room. Not that the baby was put in my room. That would have been bad enough. I was placed in the baby's room, which was ironically as far from his parents room as possible (them needing their beauty sleep yanno). At one point I was locked in the room with the baby. 

Another time, I was moved out of my room so my uncle and his pregnant girlfriend could have it. I was placed in a tiny room with my mom's four foster children aged 6 months to four. My mom and her boyfriend slept two floors below. I couldn't sleep on the couch (which I did a lot in my childhood) because another of my mom's fosters who was pregnant, was sleeping there with her boyfriend. This is the same one my good Christian right-winger mom took to have an abortion with me in the car. 

At least if they were going to all play house, they could have been practicing by caring for the children. But that was left to 11 y/o me. And these were and are all "God-fearing" church-going Christians who pontificate about morality how immoral others are. When I say I've been raised with insanely hypocritical, immoral, two-faced, double-standard, self-righteous religiosity, I know what I'm talking about. It took my then boyfriend and his dad to wake me up to the fact of how wrong this was. I just absorbed it alllllllll as okay. 

When new parents talk about getting no sleep with babies and I empathize. I've been doing without sleep caring for kids since I was 10. I've co-slept with someone else's kids all my adolescent years. My sleep is completely fubared now. I nightmare and worry all night long, wake at the slightest sound and cannot relax. I walk, talk, cry and scream in my sleep. I wake up choking and panicking. I'm never not on call. 

And if you think that's normal, then let me ask you, did YOU live like this? No, I thought not. This is abnormal and unnatural for any child to parentify them like this. What if parents are disabled, you ask? Well, then they shouldn't be making more babies for their kid to take care of. And what is disabled anyway? My step mom played that card to the hilt. She "couldn't" iron, mop, vacuum, do laundry  because she had a "bad back." She was morbidly obese, too. And I had more and worse back problems as a tween. I had congenital hip dysplasia, spina bifida, scoliosis and early onset arthritis. And they knew it. So you tell me who is and who isn't "disabled." 

Yet I was expected to do all their work and without proper equipment. If they were doing the mopping and vacuuming, they'd have a lightweight stick mop and vacuum. They'd have had a dishwasher. The bathroom would be cleaned a lot less frequently. But since they weren't, it was fine for Mary to lug out the freakishly heavy cannister vacuum, stand for hours doing mountains of dishes by hand, and mop and scrub toilets on her hands and knees. And if they had to iron, you can be damn sure there would be a lot less ironing to do. And if they were disabled, there were easier chores she could have done: folding clothes, reading to the kids, or simple meal prep. But nope, that all fell to me as well. Yet she had plenty of  time to do her "craft therapy." While I barely had time to get homework done. 

It took me sixty years to realized that I WORKED TOO!  I HAD school, plus homework, plus my home duties plus theirs. I never had "Marilisa time." This just occurred to me a few days ago. Their gaslighting is so successful it follows them the grave. It also took me till just a few months ago to sort out what, if I was doing everything else, they were actually doing? 

Here's what my chore list looked like, on top of having no space to myself and having to co-sleep with their kids. Dusting the entire house, vacuuming, folding clothes, cleaning the bathroom, ironing, mopping, cleaning the cat box, dishes, "helping" with meal prep (because frozen fish and boxed mashed potatoes every night required so much work?) kitchen cleanup, making milk and juice, sweeping, childcare, hanging clothes on the line, making lunches, tidying the house, babysitting plus whatever else my lazy stepmother could think of and guilt my dad into forcing me to do. It took me till a few months ago to wonder what was left for them? What housework did they actually do? 

I never asked because I fell for all this gaslighting bullshit about how they had jobs and couldn't do housework too. That's the dark tetrad for you. They piss and moan about having to do things everyone does as if they are (wait for it) exalted and above the normal expectations. Adults have jobs! And they  manage to do household tasks too. What would they do I wasn't there? Do it themselves. Parents parent. You bring kids into this world, YOU get up at night with them. YOU care for them. It's not your stepkid's job just because she's older and a girl. 

You wouldn't treat a boy this way, making him do all that. You never made your sons do a damn thing. I was co-sleeping with them and doing all the household chores at 10. Yet when they were that age, they  never so much as did a dish. If chores and duties were normal "family expectations" why was I the only one doing them? If it was so character building why weren't other kids I knew having to do all of this? Why were your other kids not made to do anything? Why was I waiting on them too? If it was God's will, why did I see no other kid at church being made to do so much? If I was helping with the family, why was I never included except for the work? Why was it never my house, just yours? Why did I have to ask permission for everything like I was a servant? 

And they got away with this hypocritical double standard because I had no one to compare stories with, to bounce it off or to ask for help. I was the only one in this situation. I was the oddball. So I just accepted their version. I accepted that substandard was good enough for me. That it's fine for your parents to completely blow your life apart, to destroy everything familiar, hook up with people who treat you appallingly, to remake your entire existence into something unrecognizable and miserable. To evict you from all you know and relegate you to servant status. So that's why it took me to my 7th decade to see any of this, but now that I do...

Hey wait a minute, halt. I'm not the oddball, I'm the prototype! I was here first! I have first dibs. Just because you selfish-ass people think you can rewrite me out of the picture doesn't mean you can.  You're not graciously allowing me to live in steppappy's or stepmammy's house. It's my house and home! Neither one of them even earns their keep. You sold MY stuff to buy your unemployed. boyfriend a new motorcycle. And dad, you bought her luxuries and deprived me of necessities. 

You both accused me of being jealous of your new families?!?  What a sick narcissistic thing to say to your daughter. So you do have new families that don't include me? Huh. I thought I was family too? That's what you always say when you want something from me. Get your story straight. Also, someone is only jealous when something she had that was stolen. It's coveting to want what was never mine. Which probably fits too. 

But God wasn't talking about kids being deprived of family when he wrote the commandments. He wasn't writing to kids period, but to grown adults about how they should treat people, especially their kids. What their duties were, etc. AND how divorce and remarriage and having kids with new partners is adultery and an abomination. His words, not mine.  

And in my case, how could a kid who was raised to think her sole purpose in life was parent happiness, be jealous unless you did things to make her jealous? Did you maybe flaunt your new spouses to make her envious? (yep) Did you make her subject to them? (sure did) Did you exclude her? (yes) Did you backtrack on morals you held her to? (yes indeed). Did you play favorites, have double standards and betray her with someone you'd know three hot minutes? (oh yeah). 

Well, I've got news. I'm not the interloper. I'm not the one at fault. I didn't come between you and your new fancy pieces. Gross what an icky thing to say. You're just gaslighting me into feeling guilty because you KNOW you are in the wrong. You are the ones breaking commandments right and left. It's not my responsibility to do anything for you and certainly not your new folks. 

I'm your responsibility! I don't owe you, you owe me. You may have gotten a new family but they're not mine. I didn't ask for it. And I'm certainly not responsible to them.  But you are responsible to me, all of you. You stepparents don't dictate terms. Especially not when you're both too sorry to even care for yourselves. It was my home before it was yours. 

But I never knew let alone expressed any of that. Everything was flipped assupwards for me. Once they got their new families, I never called a home mine anymore. I wasn't encouraged to think of it that way. It was theirs and I was a guest, or so I was told. But I wasn't treated like a guest, just expected to act like one, being very humble and respectful. Think Jane Eyre, the poor relation, so lucky to be allowed to live and beholden to them for the rest of my life. But treated like a live-in, unpaid servant. 

 My dad thought because he effed up his first marriage he wasn't going to let me eff up his second one. Yes, you read that correctly. He made me his wingman and surrogate spouse and partner to both of them. They hated each other but never dealt direct only through me. They were united only against me. They triangulated, playing me off each other. I became the spouse in the sense that I was the one expected to fix everyone. 

God forbid either of my parents actually take responsibility for their own marriages and kids. That's was my job. They were only there for the perks, not the work. Both my mom and dad threw me at their new pieces like an offering. And that's exactly what I became, a scapegoat for all that was wrong in both their "new" families. They let them do exactly as they pleased with me. They encouraged it all and got a kick out of watching me dance to everyone's tune. Well, that's the dark tetrad for you: irresponsible, self-centered, exploitative, manipulative, remorseless, calculated and loving every minute of it. 

And that's only a fraction of the parentifying. It doesn't even start to cover the really icky stuff. 

 

Radical acceptance of narcissistic parental abuse is not what you think

Hi friends! I'm working on  healing CPTSD (complex or childhood post traumatic stress disorder) from a lifetime of abuse from four narcissistic dark triad parents. And there are two important steps I need to take to do this. The first is radical acceptance and the second is going no contact. Both are difficult but not for the reasons you may think. 

First we must define what radical acceptance is and what it is not. There are different kinds to be used at different times in our lives. We also need to establish when it's healthy and when it's not. Radical acceptance is NOT approval of what happened. It's not allowing or tolerating abuse. It's not allowing others to perpetuate harm and saying, "oh that's just how they are. I just have to get used to it." That's actually the antithesis of healthy acceptance. 

Radical acceptance is about admitting and acknowledging what is happening. It is accepting the facts as real. It is accepting my truth over the made up nonsensical deceit of my dark triad narcissistic parents' gaslit world of fantasy. If abuse is happening in the now, accepting means acknowledging to safe people what you're being subjected to. It's about getting out and safe. It's about saying NO. It's NOT doing the 6 ex's I used to do: excuse, explain away, except (make exceptions for their bad behavior) exempt (them from consequences) exonerate and expunge. 

They do all that for themselves already. They conned me into thinking that the rules of fair play, family, morality only applied to me. They could be as immoral, unfair and un-family like as they wanted. They were exempt from all I was held to. I was expected to behave by normal standards when my life was very unnatural and abnormal. I obeyed the unsafe, unhealthy rules they shoved on me and said were God's will, while no one obeyed God nor took care of me. I made myself crazy giving good and thinking they would give good back. And they didn't because dark triads don't give, they take. I carried all that on my back into adulthood. I kept beating my head against a wall, trying to figure out what was wrong with me.  It nearly killed me. But I never understood the connection to childhood trauma till I was almost 60.

Now that I've pried my hands off my eyes and am letting myself see the connection, radical acceptance means trusting what I see. Believing that they actually did the awful things I'm allowing myself to recall. Accepting means acknowledging that it happened and that my version is the truth, not their gaslighting one. It isn't okay, it just is. And that's an important distinction to make. Because approval of their abuse has always been easy for me. Rolling over and taking it as my due is a cinch. 

What doesn't come naturally is holding them accountable. Body-blocking and buffering them from consequences is what feels normal. Their gaslighting that I was responsible for them, was so convincing. And I was schooled in self-doubt and shame from birth. Saying what they did feels like unthinkable disloyalty. Saying that it was wrong goes against everything I know. Just writing this blog is new, scary and uncharted territory for me. It's been 60 years in the making. My M.O. was biting my tongue, keeping secrets, humoring, placating my perpetrators.  

But that's precisely why it's so important to do it now. As uncomfortable as it is, I must accept (acknowledge) what I've been through. And then I need to do what I should have been able to do as a kid but couldn't. I need to get out. I need to say NO to any more abuse. I can't go back and change what happened and I'm sorry to all my younger selves for that. I can't prevent 4 y/o from being left alone, 6 y/o from all the endangerment, 8 y/o from medical neglect and parentification, 10 y/o me from sexual abuse, 11 y/o from exploitation and deceitful blaming, 13 y/o from inappropriate expectations of servanthood, 16 y/o from being kicked out of the house, etc, etc. 

But I can stop the now me and all the gals in my head from experiencing any more. I owe it to us all.