Hello my friends. Day two of 2025 finds me having an Aha moment about healing my CPTSD. I experienced abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, enmeshment, invalidation, shaming, triangulation, parentification, family mobbing, scapegoating and gaslighting about it all. I was bounced to and fro by four narcissistic "parents" (two bio and their new partners who were given carte blanche to use and abuse me as they saw fit by my own parents). I never told anyone about this and no one ever helped me deal with it. I just started dealing with it last year when I began to consider that childhood trauma and abuse was behind my constant pain, fear, shame and suicidally low self esteem. So as we approach Epiphany, here's an epiphany I had few days ago about what healing from CPTSD will require.
It came from an unexpected source, my grandson as we were playing Legos. The significance just occurred to me. Well scripture says a child shall lead us. And as it's my inner kid I'm trying to heal, it fits perfectly. So here's what happened. Our oldest twins were building Lego sets they received for Christmas. Both were running into some issues cuz some of those pieces are so tiny and the kits have to be done perfectly for it to work out.
Silas found a workaround for his. But Moses had missed one step and we were unable continue till we sorted out what that was. We tried a few times to reassemble parts of it but finally had to take entire thing apart to find the one that was bunging things up. My mechanic husband has had this experience with car repairs too, having to dig deep to find the source of the problem and then root it out completely and rebuild.
So, my epiphany. Like Silas, I've looked for workarounds. I've developed an arsenal of coping skills to deal with the problems caused by the trauma. Some healthier and more functional than others. But my defaults (fawn, freeze, self harm. rolling over and letting others harm me) don't work real well. Like Moses's kit, the problem is deeper and more systemic. So I have to what we did and take the entire thing apart and start over.
I was taught a very dysfunctional, debilitating, hypocritical, double standards operating system. My life was constant chaos, moving multiple times a year. I would be given something and then it was taken away, without explanation. Promises were broken. I learned that pleasing others no matter how selfish their demands or how hurtful it was to me, was my only purpose. I didn't exist as a separate self. I was just a surrogate parent, surrogate spouse, servant and scapegoat to my parents, their partner and new kids. My needs were scorned. I was ignored, left out and deprived.
Then when they needed me, I had to jump to serve. I was not allowed a life outside their little cults. I had to earn what most kids were given as members of the family. I was supporting myself, essentially at 16. They had plenty of hack to indulge themselves and their new families. Harsh rules were made for me but not them. They were unstable and lived immoral lives. Hurtful people were forced on me. I was in a lot of danger from a young age. They were mad at me all the time and found a lot of fault despite me basically being the designated adult. They gaslit me that this was God's will for me.
There was so much that was wrong and broken in my upbringing that it's hard to find any good. So I think it would be safest to assume there was none. And you might say, that's a wicked thing to say. They're your parents. Surely they did some good. Well, to begin with only two of my authority figures had any authority over me. I was TOLD that they did and made to obey them. They were very cruel. My parents stood by and let them. And were harsh and unkind to me themselves.
I mean, think about it, what good can come out of structure with a flawed foundation? If the damn thing's cracked, the whole thing is unsafe. And how is it good to allow others to constantly hurt me and never stand up for myself. Seems to me being okay with hurt and then shaming and hating myself for not being good enough is pretty dangerous. So dangerous that in my case, suicide seemed the best alternative.
So like with the little Lego truck with one missing piece, I have to dismantle my entire belief system, about myself, my relationships, what I expect of myself and what my responsibilities are to others. I have to sort out what went wrong. I have to reframe their false, self-serving narrative regarding myself. The Bible speaks of weed-strewn fields as only being fit for the fire. It's only after I've slashed and burned the entire mess they planted in my head that I can reseed in fresh clean ground.
That's going to take a LOT of uprooting because those bad seeds are like hogweed. They grow rampant, have strong, deep roots and are so toxic that destruction is the only solution. I have to give up all illusions that I was loved, nurtured, not exploited, had a caring family or even a family at all. I can't afford to cherish or preserve anything because the associations are so contaminated.
I was able to do things, for the most part, differently for my kids than were done for me. I loved them more than life itself. I hope that by radically accepting that the past is never going to be any different than it was and by detaching me from it and them from me, I can do things differently for me now. Little me, teen me, young adult me, are all still enigma. I'm not sure how to help them. But at least I can start to undo the harm by loving them and treating them with the care and love they deserved.
No comments:
Post a Comment