I have severe CPTSD from years of parental narcissistic abuse and my husband has some too. Only we manifest it differently. He struggles with fight response while I'm the fawner. His dysregulation meltdowns and intermittent explosive disorder triggers my people pleaser reaction, fear of abandonment and trauma responses. I'm not sure if I trigger him. He says I don't. But he does come unglued fairly regularly and that's really a challenge to live with. And it all splashes down on me, so it looks and feels like I've set him off, because I'm used to taking responsibility for others' problems. And if he's not mad at me, he gives a pretty good impression of being so. It's made worse by his toxic night shift schedule.
So we've been a couple of hot messes for all our marriage. In our defense, neither of us realized just how bad my CPTSD was. And he didn't know what he was dealing with either. And truthfully, I've not just been triggered. It has been weaponized against me. When you live with someone for nearly 40 years, you can't keep saying you didn't know you were doing it and didn't mean to. You know. You just chose not to find a different way to deal with your rage. Which frankly would freak anyone out, CPTSD or not. You chose to lash out at me and not check yourself. You know you need to take better care of yourself but you just keep doing what you've always done and expected different results. Which puts a ton of pressure on me, to which I cave. And my falling so easily into whipping girl mode makes it worse. Now there's no motivation to change because he has a convenient scapegoat. But I'm learning some new ways of dealing with it.
1) Realizing and reiterating to myself that it DOESN'T put any pressure on me. Someone else's meltdowns are NOT my job to fix. Which he would say when he's in his right mind. He's actually the first person in my inner circle NOT to say it's not my job to fix. But by continuing the tantrums and saying things that are blaming, yeah, that's a hard mixed message, double whammy, mind screw for sure. Which brings me to tip 2.
2) I have to decide for myself what's my responsibility and what's others. I have to stop letting them call the shots, especially when they're in active dysregulation. I can choose which emotions to claim and which to reject. People pleaser empaths like me "catch" others' anger, sadness, etc. like colds. We confuse their feelings with ours because our boundaries were damaged and we were enmeshed with toxic narcissistic abusers. So when someone's behavior is veering toward self-centered lashing out, when they're triggering memories of bullying and acting like bullies themselves, I have to get out of their path. I have to decide where mine ends and thine begins. And where their taking and my giving stops. Which brings to me 3.
3) Learn who I owe what to. I couldn't as a kid. I owed parents everything and they owed me nothing they said. I as Marilisa, didn't exist. I was owned and chained to the bullies with false narratives of "family" and my "duties" to them. But I can now. I have no duty to allow myself to be hurt by anyone. I don't owe anyone anything, least of all being their punching bag. I DO owe myself care. I never did owe my parents anything but they lied and said I did. They said God said it was my role. It Which is one reason I struggle so much with people pleasing, lack of identity and poor self esteem. It wasn't and he didn't. So on that note...
4) I don't have to panic, freeze, fawn or fix anymore. It's not my issue to fix even if they say it is. I make the rules for myself. I couldn't even if I wanted to. It's a black hole that I can and have poured myself into and it just made things worse. That's how I know it's not what God wants or expects of me. And with that said,
5) I please God by caring for myself. This helps me stay focused when all around me is chaos. But how I care for myself doesn't look like what I was told it did. It looks like what that still, small voice has been telling me, to watch out for red warning flags, to trust God and not my kneejerk fawn response. And I achieve this by...
6) Not jumping to fix. Putting texts on read and ignoring calls. Greyrocking. Asking friends for help. Praying, Distracting myself. Doing something else. Leaving the situation. Refusing to have conversations when someone's in meltdown. Essentially I...
6) Let go. Practice radical acceptance of what is. Quit doggedly chasing my tail. I always felt such urgency, like it all had to be fixed now. I feel so much guilt and expectation. So I'd bend and twist and grovel and even fight and keep trying. Which is really a form of people pleasing. When someone goes into a dysregulation spiral, they only stop when they're ready. When they get tired of raging and decide to calm down. Or when something interrupts the downward spin. I can't force a stop no matter how hard I try. Because
7) They're basically in toddler tantrum mode. A good friend just used this analogy and it's is absolutely spot on. And being good mom, I know how to deal with it. I don't. I make sure they're safe and let them scream it out. When they're exhausted they'll either fall asleep or come back contrite and in need of a hug. You just make sure they're safe and carry on with your life.
But they're adults, you might say. Isn't that patronizing? Eh, maybe but have you got a better idea? They may be chronologically 61 but at that moment, they're emotionally 3. And when you coddle, humor, "help", tippy-toe around them, fawn, grovel, let them hurt you, smile and come back for more, forgive when they're not sorry, ask if they need anything and how you can help, that's patronizing too. These are adults. They do know better. And are very likely to exploit and take advantage of you when they are stuck there. And it feels really pathetic and humiliating to you and maybe even to them. Is it easy? Not really but it's easier than the alternative.
Oh and one thing I forgot to add. Unlike the toddler who should receive unconditional love when done with their tantrum, the adult is at your discretion. You can accept the hug and apology if it feels genuine, if you want. You don't have to. You can keep them on "read" till you're ready to. I wouldn't offer the hug first. Let them come to you. Then you still get to decide when you're ready to accept it.
They don't get to bullet spray and then act like nothing happened. The only one who gets to act like it's fine, IF she wants to, is you. But it does have to be dealt with at some point. You can't expect yourself to hold abuse like that inside. You're a person, not a sponge.
If you get a glib or sarcastic "sorry" no, they're not. That's a shitty excuse for a sincere apology. And they're not ready to be the grownup and acknowledge what they did wrong. These are grown ass adults who need to grow up more. They may at some point but you'll only know that when they take full responsibility and humbly waits till you're ready to hear them. It's not even about apology. Those are just words, as easy to say as bad ones they just used. True remorse acknowledges what they did and outlines of what will be done differently. If this isn't forthcoming, they are future faking and you'll need to decide how much more of this you want to handle. Because it'll happen again just like it probably has happened before.
But if there's any hint nonsense about it being your job to "forgive and forget" or "time for you to let it go" or "we need to make peace." They're not even in the sorry ballpark. They're blaming you for their behavior. They're gaslighting you into feeling responsible. But temper tantrums like I'm speaking of are not group efforts. The victims don't bring it on themselves.
Even if the victim reacts. Hell, who wouldn't when being treated like that? That's self-preservation mode activated. And take it from someone who learned that self-preservation was selfish, a bad reaction is better than none at all. That's what you do when you've rolled over and died. I would say to grey rock if possible, just because that will feel better to you. Detach and stay calm and do all we talked about earlier.
But under no circumstances accept that you are to blame for their behavior. That was my dad's stock in trade. He'd tell me I was too sensitive when he beat or screamed at me on me for no reason. He'd say I made him do it or brought it on myself. No apology. Just "go wash your face" after I'd cried my eyes out in shame. Nah, bro she didn't provoke you. You are a mean, nasty, out-of-control, narcissistic, maniac nutter, control freak bully who picks on kids half his size. And this little girl ain't goin' back there EVER. Eff that noise.
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