Hello my friends. I wrote recently about finally getting some insight on my four abusive parents' behaviors. I realized it wasn't just narcissism that made them so difficult to live with. Both my biological parents exhibit dark tetrad personality traits. Dark tetrad is narcissism (arrogant, entitled and manipulative), Machiavellian (deceptive and without scruple about getting their own way), Psychopathic (disagreeable, aggressive and bullying) and sadistic (enjoying seeing others hurt or put down). Then they married other people with dark tetrad traits.
Their behavior has always bewildered me, especially when I became a parent myself. It was as if there was no low they wouldn't stoop to in order to humiliate, belittle and eff me up. I'm not a perfect parent, but I saw huge Grand Canyon divides between what I did and how they treated me. It's not just me. Many people including my kids have said they can't believe I came from these people given how put together I am. Their words not mine. I don't know about that. But what I do know is that I tried my best for my kids. And my parents hell bent on doing their worst to me. Upon hearing some of my stories, people have said it sounds like they were trying to get me killed!
So as you can imagine, identifying the dark tetrad behaviors in them has really been an aha moment for me. A real lifesaver and sanity saver too. Being under their collective thumbs and subject to their endless abuse, neglect, machinations, bullying, exploitation, willful endangerment and abandonment, scapegoating, gaslighting, parentification and harassment, I got pretty beaten down. Yet I explained away, excused, exonerated, excepted (ignored) and enabled them in this all my life. But it never did any good. They just got meaner and more aggressive. Here's a list of things I routinely dealt with living with four dark tetrad parents.
Endless hypocrisy: do as I say not as I do. Right is wrong for you and wrong is right for them. It's always your fault. They are never to blame and they never apologize. My mother posts things on Facebook about "hell is hot and sin is wrong so get your act together, people." She has never admitted to, acknowledged, confessed or apologized for a single thing she's done wrong and certainly not done wrong to me. She lies, gaslights and says things never happened. She "forgets" plays dumb and fakes dementia if confronted. Yet is lucid enough to enumerate the many sins others supposedly have committed.
Constant double standards (unsafe and deprived was fine for me but only the best for themselves). They blatantly deny you things and take from you. My toys were sold to pay for her boyfriend's new motorcycle. They lavish on their other kids things you never had. I was kicked out of the house at 16 and had to buy my own sanitary napkins. And my parents still support their other adult kids in their 40s.
Tons of inappropriate expectations on me and none on them or their other children. Housework was for me, not them. Childcare was my responsibility since I was 10. I was given adult chores because my stepparents didn't want to do them.
It is all about them. They don't just enmesh you, they absorb you body and soul. They eat you alive. You don't exist except to serve.
A lot of scary, dangerous and destructive situations. My dad blamed some people for letting his son watch a scary show, all his life. He said it scarred the kid. He didn't even know that I at 4, was being made to watch "Dark Shadows" (and scared shitless) at the neighbor's house. He wouldn't have cared if he did. Neither one of them worked but no one had time to watch me or even walk me to school.
Being stolen from, lied to and cheated, routinely. I was told I lost things when they disappeared. I've caught my mom going through my purse. My son's shoes came up missing because my mom had taken them. She conned my into paying full price for a lemon she flipped titles on and then took my nice car and gave me only $100 for it. She expected we'd just give my sister our only car when we had a family of 6.
Living in their endless delusional fantasy of magical thinking (my mother would read about things and then adopt the role as if it was her) nothing was real except the fear and trauma. I was always getting in the way of her dreams, I was told. Even though she never did anything with her life.
Always above it all. Neither parent had any missionary, pastoral or even Sunday school teacher experience They looked down on those who were actually trained. They expected to preach and be treated as ministers and missionaries because they said they were. And got furious when family and even churches refused to support them in this. My mother lied her way into, or just lied about getting a job in what she called a superintendent of religious ed at a church she had no experience with. She didn't know the first thing about it and expected me as a qualified teacher to bail her out. Then got mad when minister refused to pay or keep her on staff.
They're not delusional. They just firmly believe they are entitled to things others have. They don't have to work. Work is for other people. They are exalted. The government, other people, their kids, God, everyone owes them for the privilege of knowing them. They will scam anyone. All four of my parents exploited programs set up for native Americans when they have not a drop of native blood in them. One even stole from a domestic violence assistance fund. They have what used to be called superiority complexes.
Constantly resentful. I heard a lot of "must be nice" to have or be thus and such. Things they could have had but refused to work for. Or sometimes had but trashed. They were so bitter and spiteful that they ruined a dresser my grandmother left me, because they were pissed I was given them. Things seem to get oopsy so sorry, broken when they're around. My dad brought his stupid dog into my house without permission and laughed because it attacked my cat. I had to adopt him out because I couldn't care for him and my children.
Bitterly bitter. Every missed opportunity was someone's fault even if they were not qualified claim it (see above story about teaching job). I was told that if it weren't for me, my mother would be highly placed in one of the many churches they attended. I forgot which. I do remember we changed every month or so. And I recall neither of them working in or for the church, even in a simple volunteer way.
Lazy and expect to be served. They don't and won't work to care for themselves, let alone those in their care. They shouldn't have to. That's someone else's job (mostly mine). They expected me to prepare dinner for them on my first day of work. When I got in an accident, they pouted about not being fed.
Take pleasure in lording it over others. You really can't take them out in public. They're cringy-rude to wait staff. They insult things people make for them. They make passive-aggressive comments about those they consider inferior. They mock disabilities. They do embarrassing things to humiliate you at events. My mother once stage whispered how a girl who clearly had health issues was "so skinny."
They enjoy pointing out fault in others and will invent faults if nothing is wrong. One time I made dinner for them and was on my way home from work, I was informed that the meat which was perfectly fresh was off so they threw it away and what was for supper now? What they actually did was to eat it all and invite their daughter over and none was left for me.
Entitlement that knows no bounds. My mom and her daughter once stayed with me. Mom expected the best room, wanted me to kick my kids out of theirs. They made a huge mess of, then left, took themselves out to lunch, brought no leftovers or invited anyone, boasted to my hungry kids and demanded to know when supper was because "she was hungry." And THEN paraded around NAKED in front of my kids.
Greedy, hoarding and demanding. They give cheap junk and expect expensive gifts. They expected me as a stone-broke college kid to give lavishly to their kids while I received piddly gifts or nothing. My dad made a point to shame the gift I'd given his sons saying they didn't like it and could he have the receipt? Then gave me a racecar set which I was to share with his sons when I was 15.
Super spiteful and vindictive. They do not like success in others, especially not the scapegoat. They will punish you if someone praises you and gives you what they see as preferential treatment over their other kids. They will attack, humiliate, mock, insult or tear you down however they can. Even if they look stupid.
Paranoid as hell. My dad could sense what he saw as shaming him, my disobedience or lack of loyalty a mile away. He would go ballistic. He would routinely shame me in shocking ways in front of others.
Vindictive as hell. They go for the jugular. If there's any confrontation, or if they even suspect you are questioning them, they'll go nuclear, bombs away and guns blazing. Don't confront.
Cowardly. They use social media to attack. But they don't even write their own material. They "share" poisonous crap and ask "can I get an amen?" If embarrassed, put down and reprimanded, they act sweet the person's face. Even if they weren't actually put down but just felt uncomfortable (usually because they'd done something purposely awkward.) But oh just wait till you're alone. They will make you miserable in retaliation for the slight.
Awkward is their prerogative. They thrive on doing and saying things that embarrass you. They adore shaming and mocking. If someone laughs they'll happily join in. In all the weird they've done to me, I can't recall one time when any one of them reached out to comfort me or told the bully to knock it off. BUT if anyone puts them down or makes fun at their expense, run for cover. Two CANNOT play at this game.
Never at fault. They will never admit to wrong. They lie and say what they did was fine and then if that fails that it was someone else's fault. Or that it was really your fault. Or you had it coming. Or that you had a hand in it because it "takes two to tango" which of course you didn't. This is just them playing both ends for the middle. Because when they are dishing out the shit, you better not respond because that would be, wait for it, disrespectful!
Believe the worst of others despite it being untrue and out of character. Yet they expect others to always give them the benefit of the doubt even when they're repeatedly done what they're being held accountable for.
Believe others are jealous of them and should be. They go out of their way to make a loved one, spouse or child jealous, then mock and insult them for feeling hurt. They triangulate their child against their new partner. They "cheat on" their children by showing unnecessary preferential treatment to other children and make a point of it to belittle their child. My mother excluded me from her life once she got a new boyfriend and then accused me, 10, of being jealous when I felt hurt. She flaunted him like a bullying mean girl as if we were both in middle school.
Waaay off sexually. They share inappropriate intimate details with children. They run around naked in front of kids then mock them for not being as sexy. They let icky adults be icky with their kids and take pleasure in the child's discomfort and shame. My mother would openly make out with her boyfriends in front of me. She told my husband and sons about sleeping naked. She preened herself when her live-in boyfriend mocked me about my small undeveloped breasts.
Mocking and purposely humiliating and then gaslighting when confronted. They whisper behind people's backs and laugh just loud enough for the person to hear. They shame and embarrass their kids by throwing pies at them and shoving their faces in birthday cakes. They say they were just joking and why are you so sensitive? Can't you take a joke.
Can dish it out but can't take it. They routinely try to make a fool of their children but if the child does something, even accidentally that makes them feel foolish they become enraged, punish the child and tout out the old business about not being disrespectful to parents.
Dark tetrad parents don't show respect but expect unmerited respect. They are condescending, minimizing and shaming of others. They will flat out tell you they don't respect you, sometimes adding that you don't deserve it. Sometimes just for shits and giggles. But they demand you treat them with slave-like deference.
Dark tetrad parents set their own weird criteria for what respect, obedience, loyalty, love, etc you are supposed to show. They ignore accepted definitions and invent their own. They expect you to guess what they want without telling you. This is because they don't really know and are making it up as they go along to keep you hopping.
BUT Dark tetrad parents set completely different standards for themselves and their favored children. Lined up next to their other children, you wouldn't even know we shared the same parents. Ultra rigid and demanding expectations for me bore no resemblance their other kids. They got away with murder. Even my boyfriend's (now husband) dad commented on this and he'd never met them. He'd just heard about the demands they put on me and declared it "bullshit."
Dark tetrad parents speak weirdly. They don't talk like normal people. They pontificate, with big, out of proportion gestures, like televangelists, as if everyone is hanging on their every word. Their words are exaggerated and their facial expressions look like something out of melodrama. It's no surprise that my two parents were very taken with hellfire and brimstone preachers. It is almost impossible to carry on a conversation for long.
They gather data to use against you. My mother and her husband believe they're some kind of CIA agent for God. They can "always spot a liar." Because they go looking for it and twist innocent things into deceit. They entrap and then do a mic drop. They are accomplished liars always looking to deflect attention away from this fact.
Dark tetrad parents mirror then backstab. They copy your behavior and calculate your responses. They feign interest in you. They do this because they are emotionally bankrupt and have to fake empathy and other relationship emotions. They're also trying to scam you into trusting them. Then they turn on you and try to make you appear and feel foolish. That's a component of their sadism.
Dark tetrad parents set you up. They ask loaded and baited questions calculated to back you in a corner. They never give you the benefit of the doubt and purposely misunderstand you. There's no response you can give.
They don't stand up for you in situations. My 6th grade teacher hit me across the back and called me a fat pig. I routinely go beat up. My mom didn't know and my dad didn't care. It was the principal who called the other girl's mom who got mad at me for telling on her daughter. My mom was oblivious and also annoyed that the mother got upset with her too. No on did anything about the teacher.
They "cheat on you" with other adults and children. You know how most parents will take their kids part in a situation between two kids or at least want to hear their side? Not dark tetrads. They take the other person's side even if they know you're right. They cozy up and ingratiate themselves with other kids so the kids will like them. It's disgusting and terribly hurtful. They do this to make you jealous and to feel like you're not good enough. They hang you out to dry.
They backstab, purposely exclude you and then make fun of you. When I was four a girl and I were divided over a TV tray at a picnic. My mom (who had no idea what was going on) put her arm around the girl, gave it to her and said "is she taking it from you? Shame on her. See it's yours. It has your name on it." (and pointed to two little screws on the side which I at four knew weren't letters). Then she told me to leave her alone and waltzed off. She never did even check to see if I got anything to eat. This is just one of many times I spent alone.
Dark tetrad parents blindside you. They lure you into what you think is an innocent conversation or activity. You let your guard down because they seem so sincere even though they've tricked you before. Then they ambush you. But you didn't know and come armed with flowers to what turned out to be a sword fight. My mother threw pies in my and my children's faces at a work event she invited me to, then she and her husband ganged up and attacked me for not being able to take a joke. Even though no one else was laughing.
Dark tetrad parents pride themselves on their "brutal honesty." They love to proclaim that they say what everyone else is afraid to. Or what everyone "needs" to hear. They fancy themselves courageous and bold. What they sound like are ignorant, idiotic, hypocritical, blabbermouths who say malicious, untrue and cringy stupid things no one is thinking or wants or needs to hear.
Dark tetrad parents play victim when something bad happens to you. I went to a sleepover and broke out in hives. I was miserable and couldn't participate. The girl's mom felt very sorry for me and called my mom to come and get me. My mom said she "couldn't" (she was out with her boyfriend). She got mad at me the next morning accusing me of ruining her evening when I hadn't even asked the lady to call.
Dark tetrad parents are parasitical. They feed off others. I have one memory of my parents and I doing anything for Christmas and no memory of any meals we had together. I don't recall having a bedroom till I was 8. We lived with and off other people. They expect to be cared for by others.
These were not a few random occurrences, interspersed with good times. It was the good times that were random. And they were very confusing. I'd get hopeful that maybe I'd finally be included as a family member and loved and cared for. And I never was. I wish when they kicked me out at 16, I'd have closed the door and never looked back.
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