Disturbing things CPTSD makes me think, say and do

Hello my best beloveds. I hope you know how much I cherish and appreciate you all for joining me on this miserable...quest thing...I've been on. CPTSD ain't a picnic and trying to heal it isn't much easier. So I'm grateful for companions on the journey. Now you may be thinking, that's kind of a weird opening, assuming we're all pals and on board to help. And you may be right. How do I know who's reading and if they're safe or stalker? Which is kind of what the point of this post is about: disturbing things CPTSD makes me think, say and do. 

If you have been following you know my backstory of abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, scapegoating, enmeshment, parentification, invalidation, toxic shaming and gaslighting by four narcissistic/dark tetrad parents. Said simply, everything was flip-flopped in my life. Right was wrong and wrong was right for me. Safe was bad, harm was good, yeah. 

And that messed up, twisted existence has left me permanently disabled, mentally, emotionally, physically and socially. I developed many strange coping mechanisms that look really weird outside the family cult and in the light of reality. They may have helped me survive their abuse but they don't fit well in everyday life where the rules are mostly right-side up. Here's how. 

1) I trust others before myself. I give way to their judgementalism over my good judgement. I let them edit, revise and rewrite my narrative. I believe their version of "how things are." I let them gaslight me that their lies are God's truth. I accept their uninformed opinions as gospel truth despite clearly seeing the arrogance and blasphemy in said opinions. Funnily enough, I only do this with self-righteous people not with healthy people. Because healthy people don't beat others with their screwball ideas. Healthy people have adult conversations and don't prat on in preachy monologues. Yet the drones are the ones I let inform me. Or at least my inner child does. Because...

2) I live in abject terror. Of what, IDK exactly. I know it has nothing to do with this faith over fear claptrap. Do me a favour IF ONLY clicking my heels together and boasting of my faith WOULD get me back to Kansas! Back to safety, security, nurture and love. But too many wicked witches and flying monkeys have bullied and hurt me to ever get back home. And there was never a Kansas for me to go back to. The people called parents in my life WANTED me to be afraid of them. Isn't ironic how the very people canting about their faith and our lack of, are the very folks scaring us shitless? 

3) I completely ignore road signs and traffic signals. Not real ones, I mean with people. But it might as well be actual ones for all the harm and danger it's caused me. My little life car runs red lights and crashes into barricades. Not to hurt others, only me. I was taught that ignoring red flags was what God expected of me. I was schooled that self-care and selfish and personal safety was ungodly. He, I learned,  expected me to lay down like a coat over puddles and let others walk on me. I was groomed to invite hurt. Countless unsafe people have grabbed the wheel and ran me into oncoming traffic. They came out unscathed because self-care was their prerogative. While my lil mind, soul, heart and body are twisted and scarred wrecks. 

4) I'm raw meat for predators. It's like I wear a badge that says " Hello, my name is Prey." They growl and I freeze and then fawn.  They can smell me coming a mile away and my perpetrator alert system is defunct. My instinct to run is broken. It's been disabled by predators calling themselves parents. Fortunately, I married someone who makes a point to keep me safe. Because left on my own, I'd have been consumed long ago. 

 There are a lot more weird things but that's all I've got energy to write about today. If you'd like to read more, check out my other posts on narcissistic parents, dark tetrad dangers and CPTSD. 

Thanks for reading.