The worst hurt dark tetrad parents inflict on kids and the shocking reason they do

 Hello my friends. I just finished listening to a podcast by with Patrick Teahan and Dr. Ingrid Clayton on childhood trauma specifically from what Dr. Clayton calls "Untouchable Mothers" and I've been nodding my head so much I've got a neckache. Hearing their descriptions of abuse while sad to hear were so helpful in unpacking my own CPTSD. It made me realize what the single most painful (in an enormous heap of painful) hurt that dark tetrad parents inflict on their children. And also the shocking reason why they do it. 

It's not being cold or distant, though that certainly hurts. It's not the neglect which is horrible to live with. It's not even them making it clear that they don't love you. That is sheer torment but still not the worst (so you know it must be pretty bad.) The absolute worst abuse imaginable is when they not only hurt you but invite other people into your life who also hurt you and then turn their backs on you when you need them. Either by disbelieving, gaslighting or even weaponizing it to further their own selfish ends. Or all three. Both my parents did this and let their second partners do it as well. 

And it's not just one time they do it. They consistently kick you to the curb and hold the door for others to hurt you. And it sometimes take years or decades to realize it (59 years for me). Not because it was an isolated incident and you forgot. But precisely because they did it so routinely that it became your  normal and you got used to it. They also so thoroughly gaslit you that you were making it up or showing off that you doubted yourself and buried it deep in your poor wounded little heart.

And I believe that the shocking, terrible reason they betray you and allow you to be hurt is the most disgusting of all. And the hardest for a child to cope with. Some us fail miserably. The reason is that they were always going to disbelieve and shame you and take the other person's part. Because they know full well what's going on. I don't believe for a moment that parents whose partners hurt their children are blind to it nor are they the innocent party here. And they prove it when they blame the child for reporting it. Some even blame the child when they catch them in flagrante. 

But we don't understand this as children because we can't allow ourselves to. We rely on these people for our very lives. So how can we ever accept that they would betray us? Our minds can't handle that much pain. So we absorb it deep into ourselves, paste a smile on our scared, scarred faces and carry on, shipshape and Bristol fashion. Which suits our persecutors perfectly. It gives them even more fuel to continue abusing, endangering and exploiting because we've essentially taken all the blame on ourselves. 

Having said all that, I do think on some level we knew that mommy or daddy was never going to help us. That they were always going to hurt us. And I think we also know that mommy and daddy know and approve. That they have actually orchestrated it from the beginning. That's why we don't say anything. Because we're afraid that our fears will be confirmed. We let them gaslight us into disbelieving ourselves and taking shame and blame on ourselves. (which is contradictory of course. If  it didn't happen there's no need to blame. And their blame-shifting proves that it did happen and that our parents are blame. That it is in fact, their fault we are in this mess. Because, and let me be very clear about this

THEY INVITED THE PERPETRATOR IN KNOWING FULL WELL WHAT HE OR SHE WOULD DO TO US. THEY GET SOMETHING OUT OF IT, QUID PRO QUO. They have pimped out their child either actually or metaphorically. They are participating in the abuse even if they just turn a blind eye. And yes I feel as nauseated saying this as you do reading it. 

At the mildest level, they use their child as a shield against their partner's wrath. They scapegoat the child and pit their partner against the child to save themselves. They chain her to these demanding, selfish people because they are too weak, lazy or selfish to do it themselves. That was my dad. When he realized what a handful his new wife was going to be, he fed me to her and their kids, to placate their voracious greed, dusted his hands and went on his way doing his own thing, problem solved. 

That's the less bad but still awful to live with version. At the blacker end, where extra 90% cacao dark tetrads live, the parent purposefully brings dangerous people in specifically because they are dangerous. Because the dark tetrad is also dangerous, entitled, impulsive, thrill-seeking, twisty, manipulative and sadistic and feels sexy about all that. 

She plays the Love's Baby Soft ingenue, all the while stabbing her daughter in the back and pretending not to notice she's holding the knife. She triangulates the child into the vertex so now both can fire on the kid. She lies to and machinates against both the child and her halfwit boyfriend. She eggs the creep on to do creepy things, sits back and cackles at how clever she is, getting them both to dance to her tune.  

Then SHE cries victim. For all she cheered on her daughter getting hurt, she's quick to attack when she gets hurt. Which is usually invented. No one dares hurt the dominatrix. But still all hands are wringing for her, because we care a lot more about adults hurting adults than them hurting children. She knows this and does she exploit it. She plays people off each other like cards. Each has his role in her shitshow. She paints her child, parents, siblings, boyfriend, everyone else the villain, herself the wounded heroine. Daughter believes her because she loves mommy. She keeps her hurt backstage because it's all about  mother. She's the star. And no one stops to notice that mother is also directing the show. 

Why does mother do all this? God only knows. Probably because dark tetrads love power and goodies and attention and they love it best when they make someone else suffer to get them. It's the ultimate BDSM orgasm.  At least I presume. I don't know for sure. They are so effing disturbing that I hate even thinking about their motives. 

But I think the lady doth protest too much. And I also think people are starting to catch on that she's not quite the genuine article. That she's played us all for suckers. Fat lot of good that does little Marilisa now, however. 

Nonsensical stuff boomer parents actually tell their kids (with a straight face!)

Hi friends. If you said that my past few months of posts have been dark, I would say AF! And today's pretty grim too except that I'm going to try to make it funny. Think rubber crutch and orthopedic ward funny. Or comedy noir. 👺I'm going to share nonsensical, what the actual stuff boomer parents actually say to their kids, with a straight face. Not just dark tetrads parents, normal people. Although dark tetrads, blamey-shamey faux Christian spin certainly adds the whipped cream and cherry to the nutsy-cuckoo sundae. The clinical term for it is word salad😕. I'm not sure why but I love this phrase. 

Do as we say not as we do. Raise your hand if you heard this eyebrow-raiser as a kid. Picture dad chain smoking and paddling Junior for sneaking a cigarette. Talk about phoning it in!  Daddy dearest can do whatever stupid thing he wants but it's okay cuz he told the kid not to. Huh. What does that even mean? And why would I do what you say when you say bullshit you don't live by???? And I don't think you really want me to do what you say because you say some pretty idiotic stuff. 

Shut your damned dirty mouth.  Ummm...pot, kettle? A supervisor once told my husband to "shut the F-ck up" when husband said what the hell about something. Sooo, cursing at someone for cursing. I feel like one of those cartoon characters doing a "doi-oi-oink" double take. 

At your age, we never had all that technology! Um, excuse me but movies were around by 1900s, most everyone had a radio by 1925. And TV by the late 1940s. So unless you were born when Victoria was queen you had technology. 

We played outside back then. Maybe but you also watched endless hours of TV. You can quote entire episodes of Hogan's Heroes and Hee Haw. 

We knew the meaning of hard work. You knew it but did you actually do it? Cuz I don't think I've seen you out of your La-Z-Boy since 1979. I think you're getting bed sores. Are those roots I see growing under you? You call me in from my room down the hall to fetch you a beer from the fridge two paces away. 

We knew the value of a dollar. Yeah, my dollar. And this from the person always short of cash and borrowing money. 

Back in my day, times were so much better. Oh please, stop talking like you lived in Mayberry RFD. Nobody lived in Mayberry! You're younger than I am and I remember 16.9% unemployment, couldn't get a job at McDonald's. And it was great if you were a white male. The rest of us, less so. 

Back then women knew their place. We still do, in the house, senate, presidency and CEO's desk. 

Women steal men's jobs. Is that why you've been living off your girlfriend since 1982? Can't get a  job or won't, I wonder. 

Back then you didn't have to be so afraid of being accused of sexual harassment. I'll just let that one marinate. 

Biblical Commands that don't apply to kids of dark tetrad parents

Hi friends. Today in my quest to  heal CPTSD from dark tetrad parent abuse, I'm going to share some helps that will seem to fly in the face of Christian principles. I believe that some Bible commands don't apply to those of us with CPTSD, or actually anyone under certain circumstances. And if you want to shout "heresy" and run screaming, feel free. I'm not seeking permission or validation anymore. I want to help those of us who have survived parental abuse, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, exploitation, scapegoating, enmeshment, triangulation, shaming, invalidation, gaslighting and all the other crap these dark parents wreak on us. 

I know, from having lived with four Christian dark tetrads who weaponized scripture, there's no one more abusive than a religious narcissist parents. They sabotaged everything for us, including our relationship with God, to further their own ends. They made themselves gods and not like the God. They are punitive, spiteful, malicious, malignant and wicked. They proclaim to serve God but embrace evil, then blame others for their bad behavior. Everything is upside down, inside out and messed up for children of dark tetrads. Rules of loving parents didn't apply to us. We lived with hypocritical double standards. They placed burdens and expectations on us they didn't live by. Everything we learned was bass ackwards. We learned to serve them, not God. Consequently, it we can't be held to common Biblical principles. Let alone should be. Here are some of my new rules for us kids of dark tetrads. 

You can serve too much. We're told to give ourselves wholeheartedly to serve and we did and do. But it's to no avail with dark tetrads who are black holes and never satisfied. We were groomed and prostituted out to hurtful people. We were also told by them that letting people walk on us and abuse us was God's will. It's not. It's THEIR will cloaked as God's. And God says to have no other gods before Him. We have to learn to serve God's way which isn't hurtful but helpful. 

Scripture is written to you not to others to tell you. You'll hear a lot from self-righteous, arrogant people about what the Bible says you're supposed to do. As if you can't read for yourself. And they are often doing the things they preach against and not doing what they say God says to do. Because they get order of operations wrong. Scripture wasn't written for them to preach to others. It is written to each of us to obey as God calls him or her. They are not required as intermediaries and only get in the way and mess it up when they insert themselves. They're approval isn't required. That's God's job. Which again, they usurp for themselves. We are called to live for God not to dictate how others should.  

You can tell God when you've had too much. My dark tetrad parents told me it was wicked to tell God "I can't." He would decide when enough was enough. Translation: WE will decide how much is too much and there's never enough you can do or we can put on you. Serving us is serving God. Nope. Again they're playing God. 

Disobeying immoral rules is okay. In fact, you should. They will blame and shame you for "disobedience" to them as if it was disobedience to God. But when you refuse to  honor them as God you're obeying Him. You're also actually helping them to hopefully stop their pridefully playing God and humble themselves. 

You do not have to honor dishonorable parents. They're always on about honoring them (as parents) but they don't live it. They don't honor their own parents. They just demand. They also don't respect their children. They use and exploit them. Dark tetrads also forget the part about not angering your children nor being a millstone around her neck. They also define "respect" and "honor" unBiblically. They twist honor, respect and obey into bow and scrape, be subservient, worship, allow me to hurt you, turn a blind eye to my sinful ways. I'm going to start a new post on this because it's crucial. 

You don't have to honor their new spouses as parents. That's one of the biggest scams in history. They will spin it like these are your new parents and they get to boss you around too. But they aren't and can't. And the Bible backs me up on this. Just because they drag some new person into your life does NOT make them your parent. You have two only. You don't OWE your parents anything and certainly not their new spouses, especially if they are arrogant, hateful, vicious and nasty like mine were. It is good to be kinds because it's good for you. Being a doormat is good for no one. 

You don't have to bear one another's burdens because they say to. This Bible injunction is greatly exploited by dark tetrads who use it against already too empathic people. especially their kids. You are not their sex therapist, counselor, lawyer, whipping girl or toxic waste dump. They are required to help you bear your burdens, especially those they put on you but they don't. They give you a list of tasks they don't help with. They don't ask for help, they demand it but don't give it in return, even to vulnerable children who can't survive without  their help. My new rule says you can choose who, when and how to help other people but on your own terms and how it feels right to you. Trust yourself. You're wise enough to do this. You don't owe them help just because they demand it. And if they are expecting, guilting and demanding it, they don't need it, they just  feel entitled to it. Which completely voids the command. 

You can and should count the cost of your giving. When Jesus was speaking about this, it was to selfish, narcissistic, arrogant dark tetrads (Pharisees) who hoarded their ill-gotten wealth and didn't freely give. However, commands like this are used by these very people against their victims to force them into perpetual servitude and then are never satisfied and always complaining and criticizing. If the victim objects she's accused of not giving freely, by people who never give to her without strings attached. 

You can decide who, what, when, where and how to obey, help or be generous to. It is not someone else's place to dictate to you what you  must give to them. Anyone that does this is proving that he or she is manipulative, exploitative and greedy. God doesn't tell them to tell you what to do. God speaks to each person individually not through a translator who twists the gospel to her purpose. Again, trust that God is leading you. 

You should expect in return. Selfish dark tetrads will gaslight you with this all the time with their constant gimmes and takees. They never give without expectation and not even then much. So you keep on paying out like a broken slot machine. And they gleefully grab up all you pay out and stand their with their hands open for more. If you stop paying out or suggest they might actually pay,  they accuse you of being selfish. But reciprocity is the basis of healthy relationships. One person doing all the manual labor, giving, helping, supporting while the other  just takes goes against God and common sense. 

You don't have to forgive endlessly. Dark tetrads will gaslight you with this one too. Yet they are the most unforgiving, grudge-holding, resentful people on the planet. And they aren't sorry for what they do. They excuse, defend and blame-shift onto you, all manner of wrong. They will use up their 490 chances and keep demanding more. Actually all your forgiveness (as in turning a blind eye and saying it's okay) is just further license for them to keep hurting. So you forgiving is a stumbling block to them humbling themselves and repenting. Learn the true definition of forgiveness which is accept that it  happened and be done.   

You don't have to be all things to all people all the time. Oh the many levels of suffering dark tetrads heap on their victims with this one. My dad who was nothing to no one save himself would torture me with all the ways God expected me to do and be everything and how I was failing. I made myself sick trying please him. I still suffer from the actual injury it caused. But you can't no matter how  hard you try. And you shouldn't because playing performing circus monkey isn't good for them or you. It just perpetuates entitlement and arrogance. You be you. And if that's not good enough, move on. 

You don't have to rush to do good, especially when you don't know what good is or if it harms you. The Bible tells us to be quick about doing good and reaching out. And of course this is a a great practice. Except when it's not. And that is when you are being TOLD to do something good instead of shown. When only you have to do it. Or when this "good doing" doesn't feel good at all. When doing good for someone else is causing you terrible pain. Because...

You don't have to do the right thing because someone says it's right. Dark tetrads are very good at knowing what is the "right thing" for other people to do. And piss poor about doing it. For two reasons: they don't know themselves. They just make it up as they go. And they really don't want you or anyone to do good because then that will show up their evilness for what it is. You do good right that feels right, not what a narcissist with selfish aims tells you is right. Take it from a girl who got into seven levels of hell following the dictates of wrong people. 

You don't have and should not give till it hurts. Scriptures like this so damned twisted by dark, evil people against vulnerable people, like children. When in fact the people Jesus said this to were the dark hypocritical, exploitative, deceitful "white washed sepulchers"  themselves who selfishly hoarded and denied help to those really in need. In my case, those people where my  parents and stepparents. They made me give and give and I did because I am a giving person. And all they did was take, destroy, find fault, demand more. And all I got was hurt and shoved in  it.  There was not even basic care in childhood let alone any kind of reciprocity. I was so  hurt that I developed a sort of emotional leprosy or nerve damage in which I couldn't feel how much they were hurting me until it was too late. 

No pain no gain. This unmitigated horseshit isn't even in the Bible but dark tetrads spout it like it's gospel. God gives us pain for a reason and it isn't for our gain. It's to protect us. And to warn us that something (or someone) is dangerous and hurting us! When we burn our finger on the stove, it hurts and we pull it away. Sadly children of dark tetrads have had their hands held in the fire so much that we are nothing but scar tissue. We were told it was selfish and disobedience to God to pull our hands away. And we've gained nothing except suffering while the dark tetrads got the treats retrieved by our poor little burned cat's paws.  

You don't have to do for other people what they can do for themselves. It's funny how my dark tetrad parents are always pratting about having a personal relationship with God. And then they expect everyone else (mostly me) to carry the can for them. They blame-shift, feign helplessness and use people like tools and props. They are always on about what God expects others to do for them. Which is just gaslighting hogwash.  Nowhere in the Bible or in common sense does it say we have to do for others what they can and should do for themselves. We aren't supposed to. That is enabling. 

You should not do anything because someone says you should. Yes I know the scripture about walking two miles if someone tells you to walk one with them. But again, that is weaponized by dark tetrads against kids. They make the kid think God is telling her to do whatever others tell her. But He's not. God is telling THEM to care for their child, to model safe, healthy and kind behavior. They are expressly forbidden to tell without show. That is being the proverbial millstone. They don't teach by example. They don't even help the child do all they expect. The example they set is to exploit, backstab, neglect, abuse and destroy. Every single time I've heard someone quote that scripture at someone, it's to guilt them into doing something unsafe.  

The thing these scriptures have in common is that they are more honoured in the breach than the observance. Or more accurately, they are preached AT people rather than demonstrated. They are misquoted to shame, coerce, confuse, gaslight or browbeat someone into doing something for them. Which is my biggest contention with preaching of scripture. And God's too. I think the preaching of scripture is often the way it is perverted and misused. It's words without deeds. St. Francis says to preach always and occasionally use words. 

My would-be preacher mother once attended church with us (never again she was such a bombastic, irreverent showoff it was humiliating). The homily reflected confronting people in their sin. Mother was all about that and was waxing eloquent about how we should boldly tell people off. I said I didn't think that was the point. Either of the homily or the scripture it was based on. But that we are to live our lives in such a way that we show good. We are to get the board out of ours, and only then deal with someone else's splinter. And she said (this could have come directly from the narc handbook) But if I have to always be looking at what I'm doing first, when DO we get to tell people what to do?" And thereby showed her real agenda. 

And it proves my point on which I'll go toe to toe with anyone. What God  means by the things He says aren't always the way we want to interpret it, especially if we are purposely misleading others for  arrogant, entitled, selfish, manipulative or cruel reasons. If beating people over the head with their sins, and failing to confess our own sin, is our aim, then we are not doing God's will. Even just beating them over the head is bad enough. He's clear about that. 

Some final thoughts for "Christian" dark tetrads. And this is from Jesus. I'm just passing them along. You need to quit preaching and start living these commands. They are written to you. In fact, shut your mouth and open your ears and heart. Humble yourself. Preach to yourself. Remember, a tree is known by its fruit and if all you're growing is selfishness and harm, beware. If  you're sowing seeds of anger, resentment, frustration, bitterness, know that you will reap what you sow. 

How divorced, remarried Christian narcissists gaslight their OG kid and disobey God

Hi friends. I've written about this before but it needs repeating louder for those in the back. What got me started down this path to heal CPTSD from dark tetrad parents was some posts on Reddit. Kids were asking on AITA about expectations their divorced parents were putting on them regarding stepparent and their new families. God has made himself very clear about dark tetrad (selfish, arrogant, entitled manipulative) parents who divorce and remarry.  Because there are so many ways they lie, cheat, distort, twist and gaslight kids about what the Bible has to say about divorce, remarriage and stepparents. They do this to God and to their kids. But God will not be mocked, so beware dark tetrads. 

I've been looking up on Google to see what supposedly Christian people are saying about divorce, parents and stepparents. And wow, there's a lot of nonsense. So much is said about how kids are called to respect their parents and how that includes stepparents. How a kid should be obedient to everyone including anyone who their parents call parent--or just live-in boyfriend or girlfriend de jour. Maybe I'm just jaded by all I went through at the hands of my parents and their live-ins and spouses, but I can't be the only one who sees the problems here. 

For one thing, I also can't be the only one whose step-parents were abusive, neglectful, exploitative and nasty. People who are allowed and encouraged by the parents to abuse them?? I know I'm not. Why then would anyone put even more pressure on a kid to obey these awful people? And pardon me, but the Bible does not sanction this because the Bible (Jesus, God) doesn't sanction DIVORCE in the first place!! 

Oh you'll hear about how that was then and this is now. How God is actually approving of divorce and remarriage. That's just lying gaslighting hogwash made up by people looking to defend their choices as being godly. You'll read from these people how God doesn't address step-parents because, well they can't give a good reason. But I can. He doesn't address them because He doesn't go for divorce or remarriage! End of. It's not part of his plan. And yet these self-centered people would have you believe it's fine and dandy with Him. 

My conservative, evangelical, rightwing nut, Bible beater parents were all over this. For themselves. For others it was sinful. They tried to gaslight away adultery, abandonment of me, fornication, living in sin (as it was called then), divorce, remarriage. It's okay, we weren't meant for each other, God understands and forgives. yada yada. We can hook up with new people and start all over fresh. Which included excluding me except to do the heavy lifting. 

Which of course he does forgive people divorcing who are sorry. And He helps them. And there are marriages that aren't safe or which are adulterous. And some second marriages can be healthy IF all the children are loved. But He can't forgive or heal those who make excuses for themselves because they aren't sorry or repentant. They just want vindication. And they prove that by the way they glibly dump it on their child caught up in the divorce and offer her no help. 

They shame her for crying and tell her she's lucky, it could be worse?? So she feels guilty for feeling sad. And confused by their baffling gaslighting. And then they foist new people on her, calling them her parents They bullshit her that God expects her to obey, serve, kowtow to these people who they are letting hurt and abuse her. Directly contradicting a number of God's laws. 

But the Bible doesn't stutter. God categorically does not approve divorce. He doesn't give exemptions except for infidelity. He does allow remarriage after adultery but if you have children, they come first. They are your first responsibility. The Bible warns that failing children is failing your faith. So obviously, this new person must care for your children and help raise them. All I ever heard was what was expected of me. But then, dark tetrads are much more interested in what they're "owed" than in what they owe. 

And the new spouse is certainly not supposed to hurt the children. And the parent is not to let them. They're aren't to sexually harass, abandon, endanger, threaten, evict, intimidate, mock, overburden, exploit, enslave, steal from, cheat, neglect or scapegoat her. Scripture says, whatever you do to the least of his brethren you do to God. So if you injure her, you injure God.  

If you marry again, while your first spouse lives, you're disobeying God. (John the Baptist). And please, let's not call it remarriage like it's the first or only one. You don't get do-overs. And you may have your fancy new family but what about your first child?  You blew her world apart. She can never fully be part of either family. She is homeless, her home being broken up. And let's please not talk like you were the injured party or the only injured one here. You have a new partner. New kids. New family. She has no one.  She's the divorced child, the abandoned, neglected, left-out, cheated-on one. 

Yes, I'm writing from personal experience. Yes this is how it was for me.  If you have managed divorce and second marriage healthier for the kids, I'm happy for you. But it still doesn't change any of these facts. The child is the biggest loser in all of this. Whatever you've been through, you're the adult. She is the child with no say in any of it. So less of the self-pity and more help for her, if you please. 

And for God's sake, don't you dare demand that she just accept all this that you shoved on her without so much as a word of comfort or help. You cannot just make it up as you go along. You may have gotten married, had kids, etc. She doesn't have a new anyone, let alone you. Don't you dare expect her to just jump right in to your little fantasy and play along. But you damned well better expect your new spouse to include, parent and respect her. It begins with the adults. 

If you bring more kids into it, good luck to you. God doesn't go for that either. And that's if you're good and kind to all the children. You're still skating on thin ice. And that's not so common. What is common is favoritism of the second marriage kids and neglect of the first. And that is, under no circumstances part of God's plan. You don't get to delete your first child just because she doesn't fit in your little cloud kuckoosheim. Your new family isn't your real or only family where the OG kid is an interloper. If anyone is the interloper it's the new people. Just saying. 

And then there's this bullshit gaslighting game they play where they set up all these expectations God supposedly has for the child of their first marriage. They drum honor your parents into her head. But they don't honor theirs. And they don't earn respect And they aren't respectful and the new people aren't the parents. 

Dark tetrads also forget the part about not angering your children nor being a millstone around her neck. Like by forcing new people on her as masters whom she must serve. By not helping her adjust. By just demanding more and more.  They also define "respect" and "honor" unBiblically. They twist honor, respect and obey into bow and scrape, be subservient, worship, allow me to hurt you, turn a blind eye to my sinful ways, obey my new spouse like he's God. 

The "Stepparent Scam" is one of the biggest in history.  How could they even be your parents? You only have two. They may act parent-like and the child may in time come to respect and love them like family. But that's not good enough for the dark tetrads. You have to hit the ground running obeying them like taskmasters. And mother and father don't even expect these new people to treat the child reasonably let alone kindly. The kid becomes the cat's paw, scapegoat, fail-safe, stop-gap, body block in their sham of a marriage. Every bad or stupid or nasty or ugly thing they do back to bite me. It was like I was the child, the adult, the parent and the partner for them all. 

Is it any wonder that I'm a mess?

Shocking ways dark tetrad parents make everything transactional but don't keep their end of the bargain

Hi friends. Me again with more realizations of abuse, neglect and trauma from earlier years. It's amazing how I never saw them before (or made excuses for the perpetrators). Just yesterday, it occurred to me how everything with my dark tetrad parents (all four) was transactional and how they never kept their end of the bargain. 

So let me begin by explaining transactional relationships (if this is an unfamiliar term). This simply means that one hand washes the other. Or that you get what you put into it. It's considered a bad thing for interpersonal relationships as it implies a business-like approach. Between parents and children, this is so. But I don't see it as a bad thing in adult relationships, even personal and romantic.

There has to be mutual giving. All relationships need a transactional element. There must be give as well as take of good. Years ago,  my husband had a friend who always borrowed money. But he neither paid it back nor did he lend. He was always on the receiving, never giving end, of treats. Not surprisingly, he wore out his welcome. I don't think anyone would fault his friends for expecting reciprocity. Because without it, there is no friendship, only exploitation. 

And that is what I have lived with all my life from my family of origin. Expectation and demands on me, without me ever getting good in return.  Which is bad enough in a friendship but in a parent-child relationship it is abuse. Parent-child relationships are not supposed to be transactional. The parent doesn't give to the child because the child has earned it. They give good because they are parents and responsible for their child. The child owes her parents nothing because she did not ask to be born. She will most likely give back naturally if she is loved and cared for. But it's not quid pro quo. And their giving comes first and always, not after she's done "her part." 

My parents (all four) did it just the opposite. They did not take care of me, even in the most rudimentary forms. A few needs were occasionally met, but most went ignored. I always say I grew up by accident, not through any systematic good parenting. BUT they also heaped endless expectations and demands on me. As if they were the children and I, the parent. Scratch that. Not parent. Fairy godmother, slave, drudge. It was an equal and opposite equation: the less they did for me the more I was expected to do for them. I was held to transactions I never agreed to, nor benefitted from. I continually paid for a car I could never drive away. I paid into an account I could never withdraw from. And I never realized till almost 61 how they did this. It was by giving words double meaning. And lots of double standards. 

My parents and their spouses got years of free babysitting out of me because family and "it's your duty, obligation, responsibility" etc. I even co-slept with their babies like a parent so they didn't have to be bothered to. Because they had "jobs." It never  occurred to me that I had three jobs, not counting the childcare: school, homework and hours of housework. Oh plus scapegoat and fixer whenever one was disgruntled with the other. And sex therapist (thanks, mom). 

I was forced to clean their houses (I was not allowed to think of any as mine). I dusted their furniture, made their beds, mopped their floors, ironed and folded their clothing, prepared and cleaned up after, their meals. 

My money was taken to fund their new families and I got nothing out of it, because "family does for family." But I wasn't family. I did for their family. My college saving bonds from grama were cashed in so my mom's unemployed boyfriend could have a motorcycle. Thank God my other grandparents didn't put her name on the savings account set up for me or she'd have drained that too. Things came up missing when they were around. I caught her in my wallet once. I wondered how many other times I didn't catch her. All this, according to them, was just payments on the enormous debt I supposedly owed them. They got really pissed if I asked about it. 

BUT when I had my own family, it was a different story. Now it was pay as you go when I needed any help. Between all four parents, whom I'd babysat for non-gratis for decades, they couldn't even manage to care for our kids one lousy morning a week while I worked. And never at night for my night classes. If I had one of their kids babysit I had to pay dearly. 

Dark tetrads are so good at flipping the narrative to suit their purpose. And then flipping it back again. Whenever I am expected to do for them, we're family again. So it's mates rates (free) when I give to them and a business transaction when they give to me. I used to chauffeur mother everywhere free and the one time I got a ride from  the airport from them, I was charged $40. 

Once she actually managed to double-deal in one transaction. She bought a car for her other daughter that daughter did not want (too big, not sexy enough). It was a lemon but mom didn't mention that. We were looking to sell our large car. She conned us into buying the lemon because "family helps family" but overcharged us like a common crook. And then offered to buy our car, but expected a special family rate. 

It would have been bad enough if we'd traded cars because ours was worth about 10x what hers was. But she lied again, to both my husband and then to me, and said the other said she could have our car for $100 and that we'd buy the lemon for the full price she paid for it, $900. And she lied and said she'd transferred the title when she'd jumped it and we got stung for that extra fee too. Never do business with family. 

It a gift when you give to them and a loan when they give to you. And they tell you loans are gifts so they can blindside you with unexpected, extortionist rates of repayment. Everything they do for or give you has hidden strings attached. And you're supposed to empty your wallet for them. 

And don't even get me started on gift-giving fiascos in entitled family. They give you a used mop head and you give them a new vacuum (really). You give her a new phone for her birthday and she sends you a text, three days later. I was literally told that I was expected at all my dad's sons' birthdays and not to come empty-handed. As you do. And yet I can recall no birthday celebrations for me. It was my husband who pointed that out. That kind of double standard was so common I just got used to it. 

Why dark tetrad parents hurt and abuse their kids? It's not what you think

Hi friends. I just listened to an excellent explanation of why narcissistic dark tetrads abuse people and it's not why you think. And we don't hear enough of this. What we often hear is that abusers hurt because they were hurt and are in pain--basically a lot of excuses. As if you could excuse parents hurting a child. Or any adult hurting someone. Truth is, it's not due to past trauma or feeling out of control. Abusers abuse for one simple reason. BECAUSE THEY CAN. On purpose. They're not out of control as they'd like us to think. They are very much in charge and know exactly what they are doing. Sound like things I've been saying recently? 

It really galls me if I'm honest to hear counselors (Christians are the worst) explaining that my abusive dark tetrad parents hurt me because they are/were wounded. That they were abused, too, etc. I have two words for that and they're not very nice but accurate. Bull. Shit. First, you don't know my parents, I do. I lived under their dark regimen of abuse, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, exploitation, scapegoating, invalidation, shaming, blame-shifting, enmeshment, backstabbing, mockery and cruelty. And gaslighting about it all. Then they got divorced and encouraged their new people hurt and abuse me, too. 

And I also lived with their parents and siblings. By their own admission, my parents dealt with none of what they put me through. If anything, they were spoiled. Which would explain how they got so entitled. And don't give me this, oh things probably happened which you know nothing of. Well, you don't either. So please, don't talk like you do. Don't make excuses for them. They did enough of that already. I've heard what they considered "abuse" because they spared me no detail. They would minimize all they did to me and let their people do, by telling me some story about how grama and grampa were "too critical" (meaning they told my dad he should quit playing itinerant street preacher and care for his family). Or how grama got mad at my mom once and hit her. Mom, you routinely slapped me across the face and told me I deserved it. So not really getting your point. 

That's all you got? You're so wounded that you wound me?  I think not. You just want a scapegoat. A target. You put all your crap on me, punished me for breathing, made me do all your work, made me wait on your wife and kids and exploded on me routinely because gram and gramp told you to get a job? Or yelled at you? Do me a favor. The ones who are too hard on their kid is you all. I can never do anything right according to you. You pick at me mercilessly. And then cry on my shoulder? It really is all about you isn't it?

They know I have an empathetic heart, so they tell me sob stories and I feel sorry for them. Which they knew I would. And boom problem solved as far as they're concerned. Nothing more should be said about the crazy chaos they put on me. Attention firmly on them as the victims who couldn't possibly be expected to be adults. And I go back to dealing with it all alone. I take all their shit plus the shit they put me through, on myself. 

But wait, there's more. This isn't just "signs of immaturity" or whatever we're calling it now. They didn't accidentally exploit, neglect and hurt me because they didn't know any better. That is actually impossible. Those are things you choose to do because you know exactly what your endgame is. 

They also didn't hurt because they were hurt. I was hurt and I don't hurt my children. (Or tried very hard not to and was very sorry if I did). I don't excuse my behavior with sob stories. What I experienced was strategic, systematic abuse and neglect. The only consistent thing in my life were the stress, chaos and abuse. They had to go out of their way to do these things.  It would have been easier to just be loving. 

My mother threw a pie in my face at her work party. Then got pissy at me for being too sensitive and not being able to take a joke. While she and her jackass husband cackled their fool heads off at me. Then she claimed she did it because she was "shy and nervous around people." (da fuk?!?!) Shy people don't purposely draw attention to themselves at all, let alone by humiliating someone else.  Machiavellian, entitled, narcissistic, malicious malignant attention seekers do. She never apologized till a few years ago and then it was just fire insurance because she getting old. 

And another pity party with mother as the main character victim. When she brought it up (28 years later) I fell right into the trap I always do. I made excuse for her, saying it was okay because I probably made her nervous because I reminded her of grama who was "too critical of her." And she seized on it agreeing that she was just "bringing me down a peg or two." Hmmmm-kay. Tell me you don't have a nasty dark tetrad agenda.  

Because make no mistake. This is not a trauma response. It is not defensive. Dark tetrads are offensively on the offense. They are viciously jealous and spiteful. They want to make people feel like shit. And they make a point of rearguard attacks, passive-aggressive insults, humiliating and shame. They're not being triggered by bad memories and dysregulating. That's what their victims do (raising hand here). What they are feeling is seething rage that someone else is getting attention or (heaven help us) outshining them. Which is easy to do because dark tetrads don't shine. They smolder. They have no light. They punish those who do. 

And it's not an out of control lashing out. It's a timed, coordinated mic drop. They planned this all along. They were waiting for the perfect opportunity. My mother was exultant after the pie throwing. And her idiot of a husband laughing just supercharged her ego. She literally crowed in triumph. Unfortunately for her, no one else was laughing or cheering. That's why she got pissy because she didn't get the accolades from the crowd she expected. As if they would? Normal people don't get off on buffoonery. 

This is just one minor example of the humiliations I have endured at the hands of dark tetrad parents. I have been made to feel sickening, crippling shame that made me want to exit this life. I always felt so responsible and made excuses up the wazoo for them. And it made me so much more vulnerable to their attacks. So you'll pardon me if I now lack sympathy for their supposed "past trauma." I see it for what it is. Manipulation, exploitation and abuse. 

Ways dark tetrad parents enmesh with, pirate and feed off their kids

Hello friends. Warning, this is post is going to go to some super creepy places. (Like any of your others don't,  you're thinking? Right?) Well this one is the deluxe with nuts and whipped topping. Today we're exploring ways dark tetrad parents enmesh with their scapegoat kids, then pirate their beings and feed off from them, like parasites. Frankly, it might even sound paranoid or made up. All I can say is, I wish. No child should ever have to live with such abuse and exploitation. 

In the last post, I described dark tetrads from a seven deadly sins perspective. And how they'll break any and all rules, stomp on everyone and twist everything to fit their purpose. But they never do achieve that purpose because they're never satisfied. Today we're exploring how a dark tetrad's children are raw meat to their lust for control and power. They exploit them to feed this endless gaping maw. 

So let's begin with the exploitation piece of the dark tetrad. Unlike grandiose narcissism, the dark tetrad is a malignant narcissist (spiteful, entitled, arrogant, malicious), plus psychopathic (remorseless and combative) plus sadistic (gleefully cruel, needlessly hurtful) and finally Machiavellian or manipulative and exploitative. That's one damn deluxe sundae for sure. And as parents, they are hellish nightmares to live with. Because children are vulnerable and can't take care of themselves. They are dependent on these exploitative people. Frankly, we'd have been better off being raised by vipers. 

Because I don't just mean they exploit in the sense of making full use of, although that is part of it. I'm not talking about going to a buffet and eating as much as you want because you've paid for it. No, the dark tetrad eats all she wants plus her child's portion. She takes from her child's plate and makes the child watch her eat while going hungry and then makes the child pay for it. She's happiER when she's stealing from someone else. But she's never really happy. 

Because (and I kind of alluded to this yesterday) the dark tetrad's unbridled arrogance leads to unbridled greed. Her exalted status entitles her to unlimited privileges, as far as the eye can see. And she can see a lot. She wants it all. Not her portion, oh no. She wants it ALL. Mine, mine, mine and also mine. What's mine is mine and what's yours is also mine. She wants her cake and to eat it too. Also your cake. And his. And the neighbor's cat's cake. 

She makes a glutton of herself trying to eat it all before anyone else can. And still she won't stop. She's too far gone down the rabbit hole. She doesn't just want what others have, she wants them. She wants to be them, plus herself. Because her self is so big and greedy that it takes multiple people (or should I say drones) to support this mammoth queen bee. She gobbles up all the attention, energy, light, resources, one way or another. Often times doing very weird, cringy things that humiliate her family. 

You can't go for a simple walk with her. She requires an entourage, a bloody motorcade. You must be ever vigilant to meet her every whim. You must hold her hand and worry over her because "I'll just walk out into traffic" she says. No pressure there. You can't walk too far because she tires and then whines you "let her walk too far." Or she gets a tummyache from eating onions then blames you when told her clearly which dishes had onions. You even labeled the damn things. 

She "wanders off" (hides) so people have to get all up in arms looking for her. She lies and tells people she "hasn't eaten" so they'll feel sorry for her. As if it's her child's fault she didn't have breakfast? The child whom she consistently neglected to care for all the child's life. She wears nightgowns in public to garner sympathy. She piteously feigns disability. She can't hear, walk or even think without help. Yet she gets around just fine, bosses nearest and dearest, pouts and calls the shots when outsiders aren't watching. 

Children of dark tetrads must never question. Oh, she gets mad if you do. We're ever the fall girls. She sucks up our light and pretends it's hers. We can't have success around her because she'll get jealous and sabotage it. She will make fools of us and sit back and laugh. (She's actually making a fool of herself of course, but we're so blindsided by her shocking treatment of us that we get stuck in it). She enmeshes herself in us so we have no self or identity beyond her. 

We're nothing more than broken cigarette machines, giving out freely whatever she demands, whenever she pushes our buttons.  If she needs us to shine, we shine but only as reflections of her. Not too brightly or with our own light. Mustn't outshine mummy. More often she needs us to be her cat's paw. She does stupid, ridiculous, impulsive, immoral, unethical, hurtful things and we take responsibility and consequences.  She gets the sweetie and we get burned. We pay for her damages. 

And we let her because it's all we know. And, somehow, we have this convoluted idea that if we let her get away with all this shit, she'll love us. And that mommy needs us. We exist to fill her needs. After all, we're her child. But that's  only a one-way street. She is never our mother. She does not give, even a modicum of what normal moms give their kids. We get nothing from her. And we give all. 

Because while the dark tetrad has a plus-sized greed, she has a malnourished conscience. For all she steals, expects, cheats us out of, she gives us that much less. She literally subtracts from us to add to herself. You cannot steal someone else's being without diminishing them. And of course, that was her plan all along. Usurp. Take over. Detract from. Children of dark tetrads live like we're only skeletal shells of people. We've had the meat stripped from our bones. We've been deprived and denied selves. We've poured from empty cups for so long there's nothing but cobwebs. 

We're broken, battered and barmy. And still she takes. Even when there's nothing left to steal. Old Mother Hubbard still goes to the damn cupboard. She doesn't care what we have to endure to get her what she wants. And as I said even when she gets it she's not satisfied. She has to extract a little bit more suffering from us by way of self-pity, shame or punishment. She breaks, destroys or "loses" things we give her. And then stands there with her hand out for more. Which she will also break or lose. She sells us her junk car, charging many  times its value. And then cries "but family" when expecting to be given freely our better car. 

She takes our bed, pillow, money, labor, toys, clothing, food, home and gives it to her preferred people. She leaves us skint. And then just wastes it and comes back demanding more. The only thing that can start to save this sorry state of affairs is if the cupboard slams its doors on Old Mother Hubbard's greedy paws whilst in the cookie jar. The only thing she understands is a loud, stentorian, repeated NOOO followed by hurt fingers. Even then she keeps trying. You have to do a lot of slamming to make your point. 

Because as she sees it, she's not stealing, she's taking what she's owed. For some kind mythical "care" she says she provided the child but neglected to tell the child there would be a charge for. And which she never did provide. As you do. And really, the child is just a possession and/or extension of her anyway, no different than a vehicle or a shadow. So she's entitled to it all. Entitlement in all its ugly connotations, being the operative word. 

And you might be wondering, have you finished yet? Alas, no. I wish. I could go on and on ad nauseum with examples of identity theft, manipulation, exploitation and pirating. These are just a few. 

Dark tetrads commit all 7 deadly sins and break all 10 commandments

Hello friends. So this is kind of a working title because I'm still in the formulative phase of a theory on what is the root problem with dark tetrads. I believe (and can prove) that they are the embodiment of all seven deadly sins. And they commit all 10 commandments, in pursuit of these selfish ambitions that their sinful natures drive them to. Because, as I see it, the seven deadly sins and 10 commandments are interconnected, each stemming from and\or causing the other. 

First, what are the seven deadly sins? Pride, envy, gluttony, greed, lust, sloth, and wrath (each has several different manifestations). And the 10 commandments of the Bible are: You shall not commit adultery

You shall not steal

You shall not bear false witness (spread gossip, slander)

Honor your father and your mother

Keep the Sabbath holy

You shall not kill

You shall have no other gods

You shall not murder

You shall not covet

You shall not make idols

You shall not give false testimony (lie)

Now these are habits that most disciplines would encourage with variations within their unique practices. But the gist is the same. However, the dark tetrad is the antithesis of all these. She is a malignant narcissist (spiteful, entitled, arrogant, malicious), psychopathic (remorseless and combative), sadistic (cruel) and finally Machiavellian or manipulative and exploitative. 

The dark tetrad is all the seven deadly sins rolled into one.  What is the key ingredient of narcissism? Arrogance. Pride. Conceit. Vanity. Deity-like Above-it-all-ness. At the heart of Machiavellianism is greed, lust, coveting and theft. And psychopathy is all about slander, gossip, malice, spite, lying, deceit and ultimately murder.  And sadism is about enjoyment of harm (malignance). 

Beginning from pride, here's how the dark tetrad's downward trajectory into other sins and commandment breaking, goes. I'm better than others (pride). It is all about me and what I think, want, need and feel (arrogance). I look down on others and scoff at them (disrespect, dishonor). I don't want them to succeed because it takes from me (jealousy). I don't want them to be happy. (covetousness). I want what and WHO they have (adultery). 

I'm supreme. I'm equal to God (making idols, not keeping God's commands). I deserve what others have (envy). I want what they have (lust, covetousness). I want everything I want when I want it (greed). But I shouldn't have to work for it (sloth). So I'll just take it all (gluttony). If you don't give it to me I will become angry. (wrath) I will make you pay. 

I will lie to and about you to get my way. And to tear you down and blacken your name. I will kill your reputation. I will bear false witness about you (slander, gossip). I will kill you and your peace of mind with nasty, hurtful behavior. I will steal you and your identity, not because I want it. I just don't want you to have it. I will break your toys. I will take what and WHO you love because I can't stand you to be happy. I will break every commandment to get my way: make myself a God, cheat, steal, lie, kill, disrespect, dishonor, covet, break faith (commit adultery), break vows. 

But I am a black holes that is never satisfied. Which leads us to the next post on ways dark tetrads enmesh, pirate and feed off others.  

Weird ways childhood trauma victims show they were abused

Hi friends. Today I'm sharing weird ways childhood trauma victims show we were (are being) abused by dark tetrad parents. I've seen  myself do these odd behaviors all my life but am only now just realizing why and how they are signs of abuse. If you see someone doing these things, don't judge too harshly. It's proof that they were likely abused, neglected, endangered, invalidated, shamed, scapegoated, exploited, enmeshed, violated, hurt, parentified and gaslit about it all. 

We have poor posture. Victims of childhood trauma were taught to stay small to avoid attention or punishment. We trying not to attract notice of creepy adults (I'll share more on that in its own point). We're trying to avoid unfair Draconian punishment from cruel, manipulative, entitled, arrogant (dark tetrad) parents. We crouch and turn our feet in. We keep our legs tightly closed (I probably don't have to explain that one). We crumple ourselves up into little paper wads so as not to get in anyone's way. 

We are twisted and bent. We show signs of early structural problems like arthritis because we had to twist ourselves into pretzels. We were expected to be everything to everyone (and now expect ourselves) to be. We were made to do heavy work when we were far too young and still developing. Our dark tetrad parents made the work harder by denying us basic tools to do it or training on how. Things like mopping the floor on our hands and knees because a cheap stick mop was not provided, lugging a heavy vacuum and doing mountains of back-breaking ironing.  Or scaling snowbanks to get diapers off the line. Things no one else including the parents had to do. 

We shiver because are always cold and uncomfortable. We had to sleep on unheated porches or crammed in tiny closets with whomever was our stepparents' newest baby. We were given an old damaged mattress and a pillow stuck with pins (it's true) while step mommy got a suite to herself with a new king-sized waterbed. 

We are tired all the time and fall asleep driving. On top of the cramped, crowded sleeping conditions, we were parentified and made to co-sleep with children. From the time we were 10, we were waking up and tending to babies. We were on call 24-7-365 caring for other peoples' kids. And when we were finally able to sleep, we trauma dream and nightmare all night long. We dream we're taking care of kids and trying to accomplish the endless chores we were set to. 

We squint and have lined faces. Basic things like glasses or vision care weren't  provided, though mother's deadbeat boyfriend was given a new motorcycle. We spent long hours doing homework sitting on the floor because we had no desk or space to do it. 

We make weird grimacy faces. We clamp our jaws shut to keep from crying out. Or yelling at people to STOP!! We always fawning, people pleasing. You're mad? I'll fix it. We're jumpy and nervous and always looking over our shoulders. 

We can't sit still and wiggle a lot. We can't get comfortable. We hurt everywhere. We itch everywhere. Yeah that's an odd one to watch. It's caused by our broken immune system playing hell with our nerve endings. We have nerve damage too. 

We don't take care of ourselves. Actually us caring for ourselves by doing simple things like resting when tired, needing a ride somewhere or even eating was deemed selfish by our parents. Bearing in mind the rest of the so-called family did as they pleased and had everything they wanted. It was just us who were subjected to this. 

We neglect hygiene. In a child who normally loves being clean, this is a sure sign of sexual trauma. After I was molested several times around age 11, I went into my grunge phase. I wouldn't go swimming. I wore ripped baggy clothes, wouldn't bathe or wash my hair and pulled it in front of my face. I see now that was trying to look as ugly as possible to avoid molester attention. 

We lacked basic things or had to buy them for ourselves. I mean normal things other kids in our socio-economic situation had. Things our parents provided for themselves and their other children, we had to provide for ourselves, by getting a job at 15. Which meant I couldn't take driver's ed. And when I did, it was so much harder because no one bothered to help me learn.

We looked like idiots because we never had or even knew we should  have effing simple things. Also we were gaslit and told that simply things like sunscreen were "too expensive" so we got sunburns. We had to borrow stuff because we didn't have a beach towel or sleeping bag at a campout. We had to walk or cadge rides from creepy people. We lacked a winter coat, boots, shoes and had to take others' castoffs or buy our own, even though no one else in the family did.

We're hangry because we're always hungry. Sometimes we act crabby because we're literally shaking with hunger but we don't feed ourselves. We don't recognize hunger because just like tiredness or illness, we were told we were selfish. We forget to eat. We cut ourselves short so others can have too much. All the family food budget went to my dad's wife's cigarettes and expensive diet food. I lived on scraps. 

We don't even realize we're sick or in pain till we're dying. Or near as damn all. Our medical care was neglected. We were told we were just showing off. It was an inconvenience for us to be sick. And no one did our chores while we were ill. They just left them for us. (Funny how chores were so urgent when I was  doing them but could be put off indefinitely when someone else had to). It takes a lot of pain to get through these gaslit heads of ours. And then often it's too late. 

We accept being stolen from and cheated by family as normal. It's not enough that dark tetrad parents don't provide for us. They also have to steal, ruin or cheat us out of what we do manage to provide for ourselves. They let their kid trash your prom dress. And take your child support to fund their own shiny new families. And  kick you out of the house at 16 and keep collecting and misusing your  child support. 

We cut ourselves short as adults. Because we've always had to provide for ourselves, we learn to be too cheap. My first car should have been junkyarded, but all I could afford. And my mom approved me buying it, offered no help and couldn't care less that it was a death trap. I didn't buy enough food for myself in college, got down 109 pounds and was sick all the time. 

We don't know how to care for ourselves or what we need. We confuse meeting our needs with selfishness. We don't feel we deserve essentials. But we are very good at caring for others. Which is very good for our demanding, self-centered parents. With the same cheap measure we use for ourselves, we lavish on others. 

Empath girl child + narcissistic dark tetrad parents = perfect storm

 Hello my friends. I've shared a great deal about the abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandoning, exploitation, malice, spite, invalidation, enmeshment, triangulation, scapegoating, shaming, manipulation and gaslighting I experience from four narcissistic and dark tetrad parents. You may be wondering how all this could have happened. I know I certainly have. It took me almost 6 decades to see it for what it was. A big piece of the abuse was gaslighting me about being too sensitive, deceitful, too critical, showing off for attention, etc. 

But a lightbulb went on this morning and it showed exactly how they were able to do this. The problem is that I'm a girl and have a good nature. It makes me the ideal victim. Here's the formula: empath child + narcissistic dark tetrad parents = perfect storm. My natural caregiving nature and female gender made me fertile soil for their unbridled arrogance, entitlement, self-absorption and cruelty to flourish. 

You may be asking: what does being a woman have to do with it? And if so, you're either a man or didn't grow up in the late 60s, early 70s. There were clearly defined gender roles. And a girl's job was nurturer, caregiver, everyone's little helper. We played with dolls and cleaned pretend houses while boys made model airplanes, played sports and collected baseball cards. They did cool shit and had a few little nanosecond jobs like taking the trash out while we girls folded the clothes, did dishes, cared for siblings and waited on everyone. They trained to build cars and buildings while we learned to manage everything else. They chose careers, we did what everyone expected. This has relevance. 

So then, layer all the extra burden and responsibility onto an already too empathetic and people pleasing kid and you have the perfect combination for dark tetrad parents and hell for the scapegoat. They had it made with me: someone to do all the things they were too arrogant, entitled and selfish to do, a scapegoat to take on herself the shame of their bad behavior and a vulnerable adolescent who made excuses for them and took it all as her due. Someone who now at 60, struggles not to be and do everything for everyone. Because she was taught to and punished for not doing it. 

My parents' other kids had no chores or expectations. They played while I did what should have been theirs and their parents' chores, too. And I parented them and their  parents. I did all the heavy chores that my parents' new spouses were to lazy to do. And kept up with schoolwork and homework and a job. I didn't have transportation or consistency, only chaos and deprivation. I was groomed to be the family Cinderella scapegoat.  (Thank you, husband for pointing that out, it's a perfect explanation). 

But unlike Cinderella, we children of dark tetrad parents can't break free. Notice how easily she transitioned to princess? Well, that's fairy tales for you. Even with a handsome prince to help us, we're still typecast in that role of scullery maid. It takes a lifetime to learn how to wear the crown. And if you didn't understand all this till you are a senior citizen, you've got decades of wrong learning to unlearn. 

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Stupid simple things kids of dark tetrad parents can't do

Hi friends. I'm so overwhelmed by CPTSD and shame that I'm having trouble doing much of anything today. It makes me realize how this has always been this way. I've lived in a free fall of self-doubt, confusion and pain put on my by four narcissistic dark tetrad parents. I might not appear that broken because I'm good at faking and a great actress. But I am. There is so much stupidly simple shit that I can't do because I was either not taught how, told right was wrong and wrong was right or punished for doing it. Stuff like...

Make decisions. I can't make up my mind on little stuff because I was always told I was wrong.  "Leaning on my own understanding" was my dad's Bible quote of choice. Which apparently was bad even though he always did everything his way. He was a great one for misquoting the Bible and setting others to burdens he didn't feel applied to him. He loved shaming me  into doing things that he didn't teach me how to do, watching me fail and then shaming me for that.  

Do something without being afraid. I'm always afraid I'm doing something wrong. I'll offend someone. Or anger them. Innocent things have routinely come back to bite me with a vengeance. I've been sucker punched so many times my ribs are damaged. I can't even breathe right. People have gotten angry with me a lot and I've always struggled to know what I've done and why they are SO angry. Because usually the things I've supposedly done were things THEY are doing and claim are right. I've concluded that right is wrong from me and wrong is right for them. I even trauma dream about all the things I'm doing wrong, while doing all the work. So very confusing. 

See good in anything about me. I don't want to be arrogant (chance would be a fine thing) but it would help alleviate the suicidal shame if I could feel good about something. But I was told feeling good was pride, showing off, conceit. By people who were arrogant, proud and theatrical AF. But to be just a little positive about something I did would help me know right from wrong. But if you're always wrong, what then? How can I...

Sort anything out. How can I be all they said I was at the same time? Too selfish and lazy and yet doing all their work? Too sensitive (to their endless criticism) and too critical of them when I never said anything to them and excused everything they did? How? How the fuck could I be both? Too entitled when I didn't have a damn bed? Too demanding when I had no time to myself from so many chores? Too lazy when I couldn't wake up in the morning from trauma dreams? Too "heavy" and needing to lighten up? Lighten up on what? Chores? Duties? Or lighten up on them, more like. Allow them to continue exploiting me and somehow manage not make them feel guilty for being so demanding and cruel? 

Have a hobby or interests. Every single hobby or interest I had, they managed to mock, belittle, deny me or ruin for me. I couldn't do after school activities because chores and childcare. And then he moved us so far away I was stuck in the middle of nowhere. With my  mom, I had to walk to school a mile to school because no one could be bothered to give me a ride. I had to accept rides with creeps if I wanted to do anything. No one knew nor cared. And I had to get to school early and stay late to work to have money for necessities. My dad gave me toys that were actually for his sons and which I had to play with, with them, when I was 14. My dad made fun of my singing, calling me a show off. My mother sold or gave away my stuff without telling me to get stuff for her boyfriend. They did their best to sabotage college for me not giving me a dime and then both claiming me on their taxes and jeopardizing my financial aid. 

This is only the beginning. I know I've told these stories before. It boggles me how devastating this has been. So I'll probably need to tell them again, to get this shit out of my head and find a healthier place. Thanks for reading. 

Conflicting hypocritical double standards dark tetrad parents force on target kids

 Hi friends. I was just listening to psychologist Dr. Ramani discussing the difference between emotionally immature and narcissistic dark tetrad parents. And it made me wonder if my parents were just immature and not the dark tetrads I've painted them as. Which I see is more auto-gaslighting shame talking. First calling them "just" emotionally immature parents as if that wasn't hellish chaos in itself. And next, it shows how quickly I jump to the 5 E's I always do in regard to their toxic behavior: explain away, excuse, expunge, exonerate and in so doing, encourage. 

And my use of the term "painted them" is telling. As if I'm purposely making them look bad. (As if I could make it worse!) That in identifying their hurtful actions bad Mary was cruelly demonizing them, ruining their reputation or destroying family trust. Well, they certainly didn't need my help on those scores. I've been indoctrinated in this dreck all my life. And the fact that even as a senior citizen, I'm still sheltering and defending them. And taking the consequences of their actions on myself.  So having said all that, I'm going to enumerate the conflicting hypocritical double standards and paradoxes I lived with, to show you (and me) how they weren't just childish but selfish, arrogant, manipulative, malicious, spiteful and cruel. And how is has confused the hell into me. 

Naively innocent and overtly sexual. My mother talks in this fake sincere, sweetly innocent almost babyish way. Like she's just sprung from the world freshly born. She feigns ignorance of basic sexual functions, opens her eyes wide and teehees behind her hand when someone makes a reference. Or she'll claim the moral high ground and act all righteously offended. And this same woman openly conducted a series of affairs with  married men, moved a boyfriend into our house (in the early 1970s when this was verboten and no one's parent I knew did anything remotely like this). She flirted with my boyfriends and used me as a sex therapist starting around 8 years old. She forced me to listen to disgusting stuff even when I covered ears and begged her to stop. She dressed seductively and once went as a "hooker" to a church Halloween party. A costume I helped her create. I was the only kid who knew that word. She made out with boyfriends at our kitchen table and was beaten up by the wife of one of her APs. She laughed with her live-in boyfriend at me when he called me blisters in reference to my small breasts. My dad latched onto a 17 year-old when he was 35. And we all went to church every Sunday. 

Bible beater and con artist and slanderous gossip monger. All my life, my mother has ridden the fence between  intolerant religious bigotry and debauchery. She scams, cheats, steals, lies extorts, exploits, routinely. She does this blatantly. She preaches endlessly and supposedly reads her Bible. But she lives in complete and unapologetic contradiction. She's one of these people who wear the "Christians aren't perfect just forgiven" T-shirts and yet show zero mercy towards others. She claims all the lovely perks with none of the work. My dad proudly shows off his violin playing and shamed me for singing in the bathroom. 

Ignorant, entitled arrogance with shaming deceit and scorn. Speaking of that, all four parents had a litany of sins I'd supposedly done and which they held against me. They ganged up on me and then pitted me against each other. And then elicited my sympathy against the other when it suited. All my life, I've believed I was arrogant, proud, selfish, disobedient, disloyal, mouthy, snotty, too sensitive, too critical, too "heavy" always too this and not enough that. Because my parents told me I was. Truth is I was so burdened with all my apparent sins plus all theirs, that it was a daily struggle not to end it all. 

So there's more, much more, but I'm just to fried to write anymore. Thanks for reading. 

Basic necessities dark tetrad parents deny or steal from scapegoat kids

 Hello my friends. So this is not a great title. But what I'm trying to explain is how dark tetrad (selfish, arrogant, entitled, cruel) parents steal basic things from their target kids. And by basic I mean essentials that other kids just for granted. These are things kids should be able to take for granted because they are human rights but which we as children of dark tetrad parents were denied. Or had stolen from us by selfish, demanding parents. 

So first, a look at one component of dark tetrad that I don't think gets enough discussion and that is enmeshment (which is not a great word for it). What narcissistic parents do is steal, at birth, their target kids' selves. They entrap the child and put her to work bolstering their entitled, self-absorbed fantasies. They deny her an identity and personhood outside her assigned role of supporting character. Childhood, innocence, interest, wants, feelings, even needs are sacrificed at the altar of their insatiable greed. A lot of her life ends up being and feeling like no life at all, just a shadow or puppet. 

And let me explain what I mean by target kid. This is the one whom these dark parents have singled out to be their scapegoat or victim. This is the child upon whom all the family toxicity, blame and shame is heaped. And because they've stolen everything from her, she's not even a member of the family. She's not even unpaid staff. She is pariah.  A nuisance, an evil, but a necessary one to fulfill all their demands. 

If the child is, like me, a product of their first marriage and they've divorced, remarried and have other kids, it's so much worse. Because now she is a living reminder of their failed marriage. She is as unwelcome as the plague because she doesn't fit in their spun narrative. She is the X variable they can't factor out of their shiny new families. Narcissists who divorce are extra especially delusional. And don't even get me started on the all the crap their new spouses dump on the kid, at her real parents encouragement. Now she has four people ganged up on her.  There's even a joke about the "red-headed stepchild" (which isn't very funny if you are that person). 

As the victim child I was in impossible situation. Damned if I did and didn't. Painted in a corner. What they would have liked to do was dispense with altogether but, BUT they also needed me to make their little dream world happen. Dark tetrads are also lazy. They expect others to do for them. So getting rid of  me would have meant losing all the many services they demanded of me. 

Their workaround was to make my life as shame-ridden, transactional and difficult as possible. To exploit me and leverage the fuck out of everything they did for me (which wasn't much because they also withheld basic necessities like food, shelter, clothing, medical care, privacy, love, support, a bedroom and bed). And did they get maximum value out of their minimal to non-existent investment. 

Even now I can't do the simplest thing without hearing their self-righteous, shaming, demanding voices in my head. I don't know how to get out of the painted in corner. I think I'm just going to have to walk across that wet paint and make a mess. 

Handicaps that neglected kids of dark tetrad parents struggle with

Hi friends. In my pursuit of healing from dark tetrad parent abuse, I'm looking at ways they fubared me. Childhood trauma specialist Patrick Teahan recently addressed one essential issue that has plagued me for six decades. But which I've never been able to grasp because it was hidden in plain sight (like so much of narcissistic parent abuse). Dark tetrad parents handicap their children and make simple things other kids take for granted, overwhelming challenges. Patrick said it better than I can but I will try to give you some idea of what just a few of those things are. 

Necessities security. My mother once told her family (operative phrase there, it was never mine according to her because she owns and controls everything), that "sometimes we don't get enough to eat" speaking of her golden daughter and second husband. That's not true but what is, is that I didn't, as a kid and teen. I often didn't have a safe place to sleep or a bed, either. I walked to school in deep snow to get to my job so I could earn money for sanitary napkins they didn't provide. My hair froze. I was hidden homeless, being passed around like a unpaid servant to do the heavy lifting. So simple things like a school lunch or transport were not a given in my life. We were not poor. They had beds, blankets, food, even toys. I was poor. I have stolen food because I was so hungry. 

School and social activities. No one came to events or if they did it was inconsistent. I could never volunteer them to drive for field trips even though there were six unemployed drivers living in my house (two where shacked up in my room and two more in the basement, and two more on the living room floor.) I had to get rides with creepy guys who wanted me to sit on their laps in exchange. No one cared or even knew. 

Shelter. I didn't have a home, I had a job where I stayed. I lived at work. Both my mom and dad had foster care homes in which I was expected to work like an unpaid employee in exchange for food. My mother moved various adults in and they slept in my room while I slept with the kids. It was a flop house at best and a brothel in reality. She called this her mission work. She preached and went to church. At 16, I was kicked out of the house by my mom's deadbeat husband with her approval. I had to squat with an old lady who kindly took me in. Mother and husband still went to church but I was too humiliated to go anymore. My dad and his wife (for whom I'd previously been employed) knew and didn't care. No one did. 

Friends. I couldn't bring friends into a situation like that because they're kids and shouldn't be exposed to that. My  mother would flirt provocatively with my boyfriends and that concerned me. And their parents wouldn't let them if they knew. But it was good enough for me. I did have one friend who saw some of the disturbing things but she never knew about the worst. I sheltered her from that like I did my grandparents. 

Hobbies and interests. Those were frowned upon by the dark tetrad parents. It might take time away from chores and duties. Oh I should absolutely be interested in what they and their kids were interested in. So I could "help out" yanno. And watch the kids while they did their thing.  But independent hobbies, no. There was no time for me to do my homework or space to have a desk let alone a place to set up even a small project. That was all reserved for the real members of the family. Servants don't have interests, silly mar, they just exist to serve. When I was 14, I got a race car set for Christmas which my brothers had wanted but my dad and stepmom ran out of money after getting all the other stuff they wanted. So I was given what amounted to another gift for them and made to play with it with them. 

Education. How I managed to do as well as I did in school is nothing short of a miracle. I had no desk or safe place to study. I had to walk to school and get there early for work for necessities. with no winter coat or boots in Michigan winters. I couldn't participate in activities unless I could cadge a ride. On the rare occasions my dad came he just sat disapprovingly. When I graduated head of my class and then Magna Cum Laude (it would have been Summa if I had taken the recommended 15 and not 21 credits per semester) he just sniffed scornfully and said you didn't need college to be successful. Translation: he couldn't handle it. My mother showed up, showing off as usual, lying to my extended family about the fact that I wasn't even living at home. 

Transportation and Driving. When I finally was able to save up enough money to take driver's training, I was way behind the others. And I had never sat behind the wheel of a car. My instructor was flabbergasted that my parents had never taught me. They couldn't be bothered to make sure I had transportation. I walked everywhere or biked when someone bothered to get me one. Although they had fine vehicles and drove everywhere, even my stepfather who was too lazy to get a job. And don't even get me started on how no one helped me get my first car and I ended up with one that was such a dangerous wreck it nearly killed me several times because it was all I could afford. 

Fitting in. I used to get mocked at school for my ragbag clothing and free lunches. And for not knowing about TV shows because I wasn't allowed to watch it. And for not being able to participate because I had to get home to chores and because I had no money or way to get there. My dad  wouldn't let me walk around the corner to go skating when I earned my own money. But then he wouldn't take me either. I see now it was just to keep me home and on the clock when duty called. I lied once and said I had a ride when I didn't. I walked around the corner. He grounded me from going again. Convenient for him. 

Just doing basic things now, is difficult for me. I'm kind of ignorant about simple things most kids did every day. 

 

Declaring liberty from sins of the dark tetrad dictatorship

 Hello my friends. A Happy and Blessed Easter to you. At mass we heard how Jesus proclaimed liberty to captives and set them free from the bonds of sin. This is very good news indeed for those of us who lived under the thumbs of dark tetrad dictators. We're free! I've also come to understand that the bondage to sin might not be what I've always thought it was. And this is going to raise a few eyebrows for sure. Well, most of what I've been blogging about lately has flown in the face of traditional thinking so why stop now when I'm on a roll? 

We have always read slavery to sin to mean our own. Or those of us with a conscience have, that is. And that is certainly what those who ignore theirs would like us to believe. Those who have enslaved us to their self-serving, exploitative, hurtful, remorseless demands would love nothing more than for us to believe their abuse is our fault. But now I think that what God has freed us, the enslaved from, are the sins of our oppressors, as much or more even than our own. 

Dark tetrad (narcissistic, selfish, arrogant, manipulative, sadistic) people do not serve, they expect to be served. And we who are their children, spouses or even parents, are at their mercy. Especially we the children. We don't grow up, we grow in, to them. They enmesh with us and steal our personhood and subjugate us. They shame us into prostrating ourselves before them, serving and caring for them, pandering to their egos, making effigies to their glory, surrendering our needs, wants, aspirations to them. 

They make themselves our God. We are required to break the commandment and have other gods before the God. They make us place them above God. And they are more demanding than He ever was. They scapegoat us into taking on their sins. They humiliate, mock and scorn us. They self-righteously tell us how to live our lives and enumerate all the ways we've supposedly failed God. They exult in our failure because they believe it makes them look holy by contrast. 

In their unbridled greed and pride they cause us to worship them and punish us if we don't. So we break that commandment too. They burden us with their sins and shame us into thinking they are ours. They lay rules on us that they do not follow and then lie and tell us these are God's law. They tie sacks of rocks to our backs that they don't help carry. They just add more rocks. 

They scourge us with their vain, haughty, disdain. They terrorize us with malicious, vicious, slanderous lies. The whip us with cruel, wicked, spiteful deeds. They dictate how we are to act when they hurt us. They allow us no recourse. We must bear it all in perfect submission. They must never be questioned, let alone confronted. They must be obeyed. They must never feel ashamed even when it is the logical consequences of their own behavior. We must take even that on ourselves as the whipped but also the whipping post. 

They must always be justified. They are blameless, above reproach. It's always our fault. We sin by taking on their sins. Only God can do that. We sin by turning a blind eye to, excusing, exonerating, expunging their unrepented sins. Because they must never be called to repentance. That is their prerogative. They are the stone-throwers. They don't show mercy, but mercy must always be shown to them. Even when they are not sorry. 

They hold back the floodgates of righteousness, and yet demand that it pour forth from us like an everlasting flood. They go out of their way to avoid doing good. They withhold loving kindness when it would easier to show it. They complicate the simple truths of Jesus. They twist his words to their own ends. 

They make themselves stumbling blocks for others. They ensnare their victims and pressgang  them into serving their own selfishness. They bunch of the rug so she falls over it. And then laugh when she gets hurt. And punish her for crying. And attack her for stepping over their trap. They ambush and attack her for NOT falling prey to them. For daring to follow God, heed his words and obey His commands. 

Like shyster lawyers, they lay traps for us. They pervert the course of justice. They distort facts and bend truth to their will. They bear false witness against us. They lie and say we did the crimes they actually committed. They pass unfair judgement on us and harshly condemn us. They set us up to fail and then get mad and attack us if we don't. 

Yet if they are ever accused, they claim all sorts of special dispensation. They weren't interrupting, they just thought she was done when she was still saying a word. It was a mistake, they say. Everyone makes them. They didn't mean to. It was taken the wrong way. They were misunderstood. It was just a joke, not hurtful comments. They were just lightening the mood, not dismissing someone. They were just looking at their phone not ignoring someone, making her feel invalidated. They make endless excuses for themselves because they are proud and not repentant. They do not humble themselves because they feel owed but never owing. 

And yet, none of these special exemptions they claim, do they once offer when it's them on the bench. The same mercy they cry of the court they refuse to others. They pass strict sentence on the very sins they routinely commit. They expect and are granted forgiveness for mountains of debt and demand payment in full with interest of tiny or nonexistent debts they feel are owed them. They micromanage others specks and are blind to their own boards. They swallow the camel of their own transgressions and choke on the gnats of others' mistakes. They are unequally yoked with believers who are pulling towards God while the dark tetrad pulls away. 

When you do something healthy, for yourself, they get angry. When you keep calm and quiet in the face of harassment, they blame you for "holding grudges." When you walk away from their unpleasantness, they accuse you of taking revenge. When you refuse to engage or allow yourself to be harmed by their toxic behavior, they pout, rage, give you the silent treatment, withhold affection and generally punish you. They do not have your best interests at heart, they just want things easy and comfortable for themselves so they don't have to change or improve. 

But freedom from this captivity has been declared and it can never be taken back. 

Can Christians be narcissistic dark tetrads? All too easily, I'm afraid

 Hi friends. I've been looking a lot lately at how dark tetrad people think. Dark tetrads are arrogant, entitled, remorseless, exploitative and cruel. I've used the term Christian dark tetrads to describe my four parents. And you may be asking can a Christian also be narcissistic and "dark?" Doesn't that defeat the purpose of Christianity? They surely can and well spotted, it most definitely does.  I would add that Christian narcissists are quite common. Religious "holiness" is the perfect guise for wickedness and a great method for gaslighting, deceit and lies that characterize dark personalities. The belief system fits right in with their evil minded agenda. How is this? 

Dark tetrads love free shit. But they also like withholding from people. They love stuff and they use people. Healthy folks do it the other way around. Dark Tetrads love owning so much that they will lie, steal and cheat. Because their vain, arrogance tells them they are entitled to whatever others have that they want. Without earning it, with no strings attached and AND they believe they have the prerogative to withhold from others, even that which rightfully belongs to the other person. It's this constant paradox that they exploit to maximum personal benefit. And it's how Christian beliefs tally nicely with their exalted status. 

Forgiveness, eternity, salvation are all freely given by God to mankind. Every. Single. One. Of. Us. But dark tetrads pervert God's gift in two ways. First, they twist it into something they have merited or "won." "Winning" is essential to dark tetrads, preferably at someone else's expense. They prefer to con, scam and score off others rather than winning on their own merits. Dark tetrads aren't about giving and sharing, they are about stealing, cheating and hoarding. 

There are some self-proclaimed Christians that even talk about winning  their salvation and winning others for Christ. (Spent far too much of my valuable time with these people, regrettably).  They use it synonymously with earning, even suffering and sacrificing.  But they didn't win or earn anything. Jesus did. They just accepted the gift He gives. As we all do. But they twist salvation into being due to great and noble deeds that THEY have done. And they expect salvation as their due, not as a gift of God. But you hear precious little from them about how they actually follow the Christ they are named for because...

Dark tetrads expect without condition. They take what they want without paying for it. And there is a cost to salvation and that is humility and love of others. Neither of which appeal to dark tetrads. In order to get salvation we must try to live as best we can like God wants us to. We don't get the free stuff and still get to keep the old selfish ways of doing things. BUT this is exactly what the dark tetrad demands: the perks without the work. But, BUT they also contrarily and contradictorily lay heavy burdens on others that they do not bear themselves. Because...

It's all about THEM, not God. They do things for show, for effect, for attention. They pervert everything, including even the tenets of their faith for their own ends. They love the sound of their own voices (Jesus warned of Pharisees who do this). They preach at other people what to do, how to act, what God wants. They preach in such a way that makes it sound like they have special intel from God into our hearts and minds. And it's always dirt they have on us, supposedly. They gaslight you into believing God has revealed (they adore that bombastic word) to them all this wickedness in you. 

He hasn't. They just do this to turn the spotlight away from their wretched behavior. And wow do they exploit this. They bind you up to all manner of guilt and shame and then lie and say they have none. Because (wait for it) they have confessed it to God and God has "forgiven them." And you, because you believe a genuine version of Christianity believe them. You don't question why it is that they have never confessed or even admitted to any human person anything they've done. What they have done is  lied, backpeddled, blame shifted and distorted. They have never taken responsibility for their actions. And they have laid their crimes at your door. And if you are a person with an already overactive conscience (raises hand here) you take all their shame and blame on yourself. 

But if you would just for once, stop and listen to what they are saying, you will see the long con in their words. Remember I said they speak as if they have secret insider knowledge into God, scripture and even your heart? They don't. You can read the Bible for yourself. You are perfectly capable of understanding and coming to God on your own. But they don't want you to know that. They need you to go through them. They con you into thinking you need their personal Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval. They do this to protect the scam they've set up. They are skimming off the profits and presenting a very false doctrine. Christianity is all an elaborate charade for them. 

Because you will notice, if you stop and look,  that they don't follow the commands they lay on you. They don't bear witness. They get even that wrong. They'll brag about "witnessing" but they do this in word only, not deed. They don't show, they tell.  They do not model humility, repentance, love, kindness, gentleness, meekness, self-control, temperance, modesty. The fruits of the spirit. In their vain minds, they are above such rules. They are "hearers and preachers of the word, not doers." They bind other people up to burdens they do not carry themselves. Dark tetrads also preach false doctrine and tell people they have to do things God never said they had to. And they forbid things God never has. 

They proclaim to preach salvation but they don't. Because they don't really want other people to come to actually know God. Because then they wouldn't have the edge. They wouldn't have something to hold over others. They don't anyway, they just think they do because they are selfish and arrogant. Remember I said they don't share, they hoard?  Dark tetrads delight in shaming others. They live to tell people off, bury them in guilt and shame, watch them drown and sell popcorn. While they take God's gift without following him. They are the ones steeped in shame. But they need you to buy into their Ponzi scheme to protect the selfish, self-serving "reality" they have created.  

I'm absolutely exhausted now, but later I'll blog about what you can do to avoid being sucked in. 

Why forgiving dark tetrad parents' abuse may be the worst thing you can do

Hello my friends. I had yet another awful trauma nightmare from dark tetrad parent abuse last night. And when I woke, after the fear and panic subsided, I was left wondering about forgiveness. Why are we so preoccupied with forgiving abuse, neglect, endangerment, exploitation, invalidation, gaslighting, malicious spite, violence, abandonment? Why are we in such an all-fired hurry to forgive cruelty we've lived with all our lives and sometimes only began to recognize as abuse when we are senior citizens? Why are we so worried about our abusers and not more concerned with understanding and healing the damage they inflicted on us? Why is everything about what's best for them?

The answers to those questions are simple. And they are some of the reasons we ARE so damaged. Everything has always been about what is best for them. And very often that was what was dead worst for us. Forgiving isn't to heal us, though we're gaslit into believing it is. Forgiving as it's generally understood is about protecting abusers and giving them licence to abuse. 

I'm going to explain, or attempt to, why I now believe that rushing to forgive abuse might be one of the most dangerous things you can do. I recognize that this flies in the face of conventional wisdom but if you'll hear me out, I think it will make sense. 

Let's begin by understanding the very unilateral nature of the relationship between scapegoat child and dark tetrad parents. The child does not exist as a person. She is only a tool, a pawn, a cat's paw. She does the heavy lifting and they do the tying of rocks to her back. The scapegoat child of dark tetrad parents must ALWAYS put her parents first. No matter how neglectful, hurtful, mean and nasty they are. No matter that they have always excluded us from good and reserved bad for us. And it gets worse. We do this BECAUSE they have been so awful. They pirated our selves and groomed us to feel worthless, lifeless servants. They broke us for normal, healthy life. 

Everything is ALWAYS about them. They come first, last and always. So why would they not weaponize even their abuse for pity? Why would they not expect mercy when they neither show it nor feel remorse? Why would they not weaponize their child's guilt and shame that they planted in her to their own ends? That's a dark tetrad's M.O. Expect, demand, take, pirate, steal, cheat, lie and distort. 

And the M.O. of their victim child is to obey, comply, give in, give them what they demand, be a doormat for abuse. It was dangerous for her NOT to be these things. And if they are "religious"  dark tetrads, oh so much the worse. Now they have an entire arsenal for abuse in scripture which they wield like Commandos. And what does scripture say we are to do with those who persecute us? Forgive them. 

And we who have suffered at the hands of dark tetrad parents are so very good at forgiving. They don't have to apologize or even ask. They're not sorry. They're never wrong. Anything they do wrong is someone else's fault. Which,  to a non abuse-brain damaged person, will sound paradoxical because it is. If they aren't sorry and think they've done no wrong why do they also demand forgiveness? Because they want it all. I didn't see that then but I do now. And that leads me to the conclusion that forgiving a dark tetrad in the commonly understood definition is like handing them an ICBM. 

So first, let's play detective and ask some W questions? Who is the victim, who is the perpetrator and who is pushing forgiveness? The narcissist will paint herself as victim, always. Even, and this is so laughable, when SHE is the one who did the hurting. On purpose, willfully. She somehow manages to both accuse her victim and excuse herself. So let's just establish that she is not the victim but the perpetrator. 

Now, who is pushing forgiveness and why are they? Well, the victim child doesn't need to because that is her default response anyway: exonerate, expunge, excuse everything bad thing mommy and daddy do. The ones pushing forgiveness are people who have not been hurt by the dark tetrad. They are impartial judges: priests, ministers, counselors, other family members, favored siblings, flying monkeys. They freely dispense "wisdom" and advice  which costs them nothing. They don't want to know the actual circumstances of abuse. They are curiously blind, silent and ignorant when it is happening. 

They don't know jack shit about the hell the dark tetrad has forced on the child. And care even less. But yet they feel entitled to shame, pass  judgement and dictate what the victim "should do" about it. What is right and correct and good and Godly, in their opinion. What is good for the child, no one gives a fat rat's ass about. No one lifts a finger to help with the chaos and devastation the dark tetrad has wreaked. And ballsyest of all, if and when the poor kid finally gives in to the despair her parents have pushed her into, everyone wags scolding fingers at HER! They just keep pratting at her to forgive, suck up, ignore, bend over for more crap. 

Why do they do this? I have no clue. I don't' think or act like this. It's disgusting. I believe it has to do with them feeling a sense of self-righteousness with their holy-sounding cant. But what they don't stop to consider is how they are playing right into the dark tetrad's hands. 

The dark tetrad manipulates and gloats over this and how. The sanctimonious preachers have just handed them plateful of reasons to continue abusing unchecked. They've been confirmed in their arrogant supremacy. Literally, no one and nothing can touch them. Not even God. He just smiles benevolently on it all, the victim child believes. Her persecutors are free to do as they wish with complete immunity. It's all the kid's responsibility. She the fault and the cause and the one expected to fix. She has clean herself up after they shit on her, dig her own grave and make it all alright for the parents.   And bonus added, she has to feel guilty to them for her brokenness and thank them for the privilege of being hurt by them. 

Am I saying not to forgive? Yeah, sure am. And further more, I think God is saying this as well. Not in the traditional way, that is. Forgiveness is not condoning, ignoring or approving. I do not think God wants abused children no matter how old they are, to allow self-centered people to continue to hurt them. That is devil's work. It's certainly not good for us, our soul or our healing. How can we heal if our abusers have been given dispensation to continue ripping our wounds open?

I think it's time to put the horse before the cart with dark tetrads. It's NOT about what they deserve, are entitled to or demand. It's about what they are expected to do. As per scripture, God expects the dark tetrad to humble themselves, renounce wickedness, confess what they have done to their child, to the child, not just "in their heart" or their stupid little prayer closets. Closets hide a lot of wickedness and have a lot to answer for, just saying. 

God holds us all, including the dark tetrad to rules and regulations. They  are not above it all and He warns them not to think they are. They are required to "leave their gift at the altar and go make it right with whomever they hurt." And change their ways. I don't think the child is expected to do anything but accept that it happened and try to heal. That is genuine forgiveness. Maybe it also involves not taking revenge. But that's a slippery slope because the dark tetrad has the victim so shamed that she thinks anything she does to protect herself is revenge. Remember how everything is about them and what "hurts" them? 

But the chances of dark tetrads actually feeling remorse and making confession are nil. They want all the perks with none of the work. So it seems to me that forgiving isn't healthy for the dark tetrad either. Encouraging them to arrogantly think they are beyond God's law is a one-way trip south. And that's how we got in this situation in the first place. That's how we got so wounded.