Handicaps that neglected kids of dark tetrad parents struggle with

Hi friends. In my pursuit of healing from dark tetrad parent abuse, I'm looking at ways they fubared me. Childhood trauma specialist Patrick Teahan recently addressed one essential issue that has plagued me for six decades. But which I've never been able to grasp because it was hidden in plain sight (like so much of narcissistic parent abuse). Dark tetrad parents handicap their children and make simple things other kids take for granted, overwhelming challenges. Patrick said it better than I can but I will try to give you some idea of what just a few of those things are. 

Necessities security. My mother once told her family (operative phrase there, it was never mine according to her because she owns and controls everything), that "sometimes we don't get enough to eat" speaking of her golden daughter and second husband. That's not true but what is, is that I didn't, as a kid and teen. I often didn't have a safe place to sleep or a bed, either. I walked to school in deep snow to get to my job so I could earn money for sanitary napkins they didn't provide. My hair froze. I was hidden homeless, being passed around like a unpaid servant to do the heavy lifting. So simple things like a school lunch or transport were not a given in my life. We were not poor. They had beds, blankets, food, even toys. I was poor. I have stolen food because I was so hungry. 

School and social activities. No one came to events or if they did it was inconsistent. I could never volunteer them to drive for field trips even though there were six unemployed drivers living in my house (two where shacked up in my room and two more in the basement, and two more on the living room floor.) I had to get rides with creepy guys who wanted me to sit on their laps in exchange. No one cared or even knew. 

Shelter. I didn't have a home, I had a job where I stayed. I lived at work. Both my mom and dad had foster care homes in which I was expected to work like an unpaid employee in exchange for food. My mother moved various adults in and they slept in my room while I slept with the kids. It was a flop house at best and a brothel in reality. She called this her mission work. She preached and went to church. At 16, I was kicked out of the house by my mom's deadbeat husband with her approval. I had to squat with an old lady who kindly took me in. Mother and husband still went to church but I was too humiliated to go anymore. My dad and his wife (for whom I'd previously been employed) knew and didn't care. No one did. 

Friends. I couldn't bring friends into a situation like that because they're kids and shouldn't be exposed to that. My  mother would flirt provocatively with my boyfriends and that concerned me. And their parents wouldn't let them if they knew. But it was good enough for me. I did have one friend who saw some of the disturbing things but she never knew about the worst. I sheltered her from that like I did my grandparents. 

Hobbies and interests. Those were frowned upon by the dark tetrad parents. It might take time away from chores and duties. Oh I should absolutely be interested in what they and their kids were interested in. So I could "help out" yanno. And watch the kids while they did their thing.  But independent hobbies, no. There was no time for me to do my homework or space to have a desk let alone a place to set up even a small project. That was all reserved for the real members of the family. Servants don't have interests, silly mar, they just exist to serve. When I was 14, I got a race car set for Christmas which my brothers had wanted but my dad and stepmom ran out of money after getting all the other stuff they wanted. So I was given what amounted to another gift for them and made to play with it with them. 

Education. How I managed to do as well as I did in school is nothing short of a miracle. I had no desk or safe place to study. I had to walk to school and get there early for work for necessities. with no winter coat or boots in Michigan winters. I couldn't participate in activities unless I could cadge a ride. On the rare occasions my dad came he just sat disapprovingly. When I graduated head of my class and then Magna Cum Laude (it would have been Summa if I had taken the recommended 15 and not 21 credits per semester) he just sniffed scornfully and said you didn't need college to be successful. Translation: he couldn't handle it. My mother showed up, showing off as usual, lying to my extended family about the fact that I wasn't even living at home. 

Transportation and Driving. When I finally was able to save up enough money to take driver's training, I was way behind the others. And I had never sat behind the wheel of a car. My instructor was flabbergasted that my parents had never taught me. They couldn't be bothered to make sure I had transportation. I walked everywhere or biked when someone bothered to get me one. Although they had fine vehicles and drove everywhere, even my stepfather who was too lazy to get a job. And don't even get me started on how no one helped me get my first car and I ended up with one that was such a dangerous wreck it nearly killed me several times because it was all I could afford. 

Fitting in. I used to get mocked at school for my ragbag clothing and free lunches. And for not knowing about TV shows because I wasn't allowed to watch it. And for not being able to participate because I had to get home to chores and because I had no money or way to get there. My dad  wouldn't let me walk around the corner to go skating when I earned my own money. But then he wouldn't take me either. I see now it was just to keep me home and on the clock when duty called. I lied once and said I had a ride when I didn't. I walked around the corner. He grounded me from going again. Convenient for him. 

Just doing basic things now, is difficult for me. I'm kind of ignorant about simple things most kids did every day. 

 

Declaring liberty from sins of the dark tetrad dictatorship

 Hello my friends. A Happy and Blessed Easter to you. At mass we heard how Jesus proclaimed liberty to captives and set them free from the bonds of sin. This is very good news indeed for those of us who lived under the thumbs of dark tetrad dictators. We're free! I've also come to understand that the bondage to sin might not be what I've always thought it was. And this is going to raise a few eyebrows for sure. Well, most of what I've been blogging about lately has flown in the face of traditional thinking so why stop now when I'm on a roll? 

We have always read slavery to sin to mean our own. Or those of us with a conscience have, that is. And that is certainly what those who ignore theirs would like us to believe. Those who have enslaved us to their self-serving, exploitative, hurtful, remorseless demands would love nothing more than for us to believe their abuse is our fault. But now I think that what God has freed us, the enslaved from, are the sins of our oppressors, as much or more even than our own. 

Dark tetrad (narcissistic, selfish, arrogant, manipulative, sadistic) people do not serve, they expect to be served. And we who are their children, spouses or even parents, are at their mercy. Especially we the children. We don't grow up, we grow in, to them. They enmesh with us and steal our personhood and subjugate us. They shame us into prostrating ourselves before them, serving and caring for them, pandering to their egos, making effigies to their glory, surrendering our needs, wants, aspirations to them. 

They make themselves our God. We are required to break the commandment and have other gods before the God. They make us place them above God. And they are more demanding than He ever was. They scapegoat us into taking on their sins. They humiliate, mock and scorn us. They self-righteously tell us how to live our lives and enumerate all the ways we've supposedly failed God. They exult in our failure because they believe it makes them look holy by contrast. 

In their unbridled greed and pride they cause us to worship them and punish us if we don't. So we break that commandment too. They burden us with their sins and shame us into thinking they are ours. They lay rules on us that they do not follow and then lie and tell us these are God's law. They tie sacks of rocks to our backs that they don't help carry. They just add more rocks. 

They scourge us with their vain, haughty, disdain. They terrorize us with malicious, vicious, slanderous lies. The whip us with cruel, wicked, spiteful deeds. They dictate how we are to act when they hurt us. They allow us no recourse. We must bear it all in perfect submission. They must never be questioned, let alone confronted. They must be obeyed. They must never feel ashamed even when it is the logical consequences of their own behavior. We must take even that on ourselves as the whipped but also the whipping post. 

They must always be justified. They are blameless, above reproach. It's always our fault. We sin by taking on their sins. Only God can do that. We sin by turning a blind eye to, excusing, exonerating, expunging their unrepented sins. Because they must never be called to repentance. That is their prerogative. They are the stone-throwers. They don't show mercy, but mercy must always be shown to them. Even when they are not sorry. 

They hold back the floodgates of righteousness, and yet demand that it pour forth from us like an everlasting flood. They go out of their way to avoid doing good. They withhold loving kindness when it would easier to show it. They complicate the simple truths of Jesus. They twist his words to their own ends. 

They make themselves stumbling blocks for others. They ensnare their victims and pressgang  them into serving their own selfishness. They bunch of the rug so she falls over it. And then laugh when she gets hurt. And punish her for crying. And attack her for stepping over their trap. They ambush and attack her for NOT falling prey to them. For daring to follow God, heed his words and obey His commands. 

Like shyster lawyers, they lay traps for us. They pervert the course of justice. They distort facts and bend truth to their will. They bear false witness against us. They lie and say we did the crimes they actually committed. They pass unfair judgement on us and harshly condemn us. They set us up to fail and then get mad and attack us if we don't. 

Yet if they are ever accused, they claim all sorts of special dispensation. They weren't interrupting, they just thought she was done when she was still saying a word. It was a mistake, they say. Everyone makes them. They didn't mean to. It was taken the wrong way. They were misunderstood. It was just a joke, not hurtful comments. They were just lightening the mood, not dismissing someone. They were just looking at their phone not ignoring someone, making her feel invalidated. They make endless excuses for themselves because they are proud and not repentant. They do not humble themselves because they feel owed but never owing. 

And yet, none of these special exemptions they claim, do they once offer when it's them on the bench. The same mercy they cry of the court they refuse to others. They pass strict sentence on the very sins they routinely commit. They expect and are granted forgiveness for mountains of debt and demand payment in full with interest of tiny or nonexistent debts they feel are owed them. They micromanage others specks and are blind to their own boards. They swallow the camel of their own transgressions and choke on the gnats of others' mistakes. They are unequally yoked with believers who are pulling towards God while the dark tetrad pulls away. 

When you do something healthy, for yourself, they get angry. When you keep calm and quiet in the face of harassment, they blame you for "holding grudges." When you walk away from their unpleasantness, they accuse you of taking revenge. When you refuse to engage or allow yourself to be harmed by their toxic behavior, they pout, rage, give you the silent treatment, withhold affection and generally punish you. They do not have your best interests at heart, they just want things easy and comfortable for themselves so they don't have to change or improve. 

But freedom from this captivity has been declared and it can never be taken back. 

Can Christians be narcissistic dark tetrads? All too easily, I'm afraid

 Hi friends. I've been looking a lot lately at how dark tetrad people think. Dark tetrads are arrogant, entitled, remorseless, exploitative and cruel. I've used the term Christian dark tetrads to describe my four parents. And you may be asking can a Christian also be narcissistic and "dark?" Doesn't that defeat the purpose of Christianity? They surely can and well spotted, it most definitely does.  I would add that Christian narcissists are quite common. Religious "holiness" is the perfect guise for wickedness and a great method for gaslighting, deceit and lies that characterize dark personalities. The belief system fits right in with their evil minded agenda. How is this? 

Dark tetrads love free shit. But they also like withholding from people. They love stuff and they use people. Healthy folks do it the other way around. Dark Tetrads love owning so much that they will lie, steal and cheat. Because their vain, arrogance tells them they are entitled to whatever others have that they want. Without earning it, with no strings attached and AND they believe they have the prerogative to withhold from others, even that which rightfully belongs to the other person. It's this constant paradox that they exploit to maximum personal benefit. And it's how Christian beliefs tally nicely with their exalted status. 

Forgiveness, eternity, salvation are all freely given by God to mankind. Every. Single. One. Of. Us. But dark tetrads pervert God's gift in two ways. First, they twist it into something they have merited or "won." "Winning" is essential to dark tetrads, preferably at someone else's expense. They prefer to con, scam and score off others rather than winning on their own merits. Dark tetrads aren't about giving and sharing, they are about stealing, cheating and hoarding. 

There are some self-proclaimed Christians that even talk about winning  their salvation and winning others for Christ. (Spent far too much of my valuable time with these people, regrettably).  They use it synonymously with earning, even suffering and sacrificing.  But they didn't win or earn anything. Jesus did. They just accepted the gift He gives. As we all do. But they twist salvation into being due to great and noble deeds that THEY have done. And they expect salvation as their due, not as a gift of God. But you hear precious little from them about how they actually follow the Christ they are named for because...

Dark tetrads expect without condition. They take what they want without paying for it. And there is a cost to salvation and that is humility and love of others. Neither of which appeal to dark tetrads. In order to get salvation we must try to live as best we can like God wants us to. We don't get the free stuff and still get to keep the old selfish ways of doing things. BUT this is exactly what the dark tetrad demands: the perks without the work. But, BUT they also contrarily and contradictorily lay heavy burdens on others that they do not bear themselves. Because...

It's all about THEM, not God. They do things for show, for effect, for attention. They pervert everything, including even the tenets of their faith for their own ends. They love the sound of their own voices (Jesus warned of Pharisees who do this). They preach at other people what to do, how to act, what God wants. They preach in such a way that makes it sound like they have special intel from God into our hearts and minds. And it's always dirt they have on us, supposedly. They gaslight you into believing God has revealed (they adore that bombastic word) to them all this wickedness in you. 

He hasn't. They just do this to turn the spotlight away from their wretched behavior. And wow do they exploit this. They bind you up to all manner of guilt and shame and then lie and say they have none. Because (wait for it) they have confessed it to God and God has "forgiven them." And you, because you believe a genuine version of Christianity believe them. You don't question why it is that they have never confessed or even admitted to any human person anything they've done. What they have done is  lied, backpeddled, blame shifted and distorted. They have never taken responsibility for their actions. And they have laid their crimes at your door. And if you are a person with an already overactive conscience (raises hand here) you take all their shame and blame on yourself. 

But if you would just for once, stop and listen to what they are saying, you will see the long con in their words. Remember I said they speak as if they have secret insider knowledge into God, scripture and even your heart? They don't. You can read the Bible for yourself. You are perfectly capable of understanding and coming to God on your own. But they don't want you to know that. They need you to go through them. They con you into thinking you need their personal Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval. They do this to protect the scam they've set up. They are skimming off the profits and presenting a very false doctrine. Christianity is all an elaborate charade for them. 

Because you will notice, if you stop and look,  that they don't follow the commands they lay on you. They don't bear witness. They get even that wrong. They'll brag about "witnessing" but they do this in word only, not deed. They don't show, they tell.  They do not model humility, repentance, love, kindness, gentleness, meekness, self-control, temperance, modesty. The fruits of the spirit. In their vain minds, they are above such rules. They are "hearers and preachers of the word, not doers." They bind other people up to burdens they do not carry themselves. Dark tetrads also preach false doctrine and tell people they have to do things God never said they had to. And they forbid things God never has. 

They proclaim to preach salvation but they don't. Because they don't really want other people to come to actually know God. Because then they wouldn't have the edge. They wouldn't have something to hold over others. They don't anyway, they just think they do because they are selfish and arrogant. Remember I said they don't share, they hoard?  Dark tetrads delight in shaming others. They live to tell people off, bury them in guilt and shame, watch them drown and sell popcorn. While they take God's gift without following him. They are the ones steeped in shame. But they need you to buy into their Ponzi scheme to protect the selfish, self-serving "reality" they have created.  

I'm absolutely exhausted now, but later I'll blog about what you can do to avoid being sucked in. 

Why forgiving dark tetrad parents' abuse may be the worst thing you can do

Hello my friends. I had yet another awful trauma nightmare from dark tetrad parent abuse last night. And when I woke, after the fear and panic subsided, I was left wondering about forgiveness. Why are we so preoccupied with forgiving abuse, neglect, endangerment, exploitation, invalidation, gaslighting, malicious spite, violence, abandonment? Why are we in such an all-fired hurry to forgive cruelty we've lived with all our lives and sometimes only began to recognize as abuse when we are senior citizens? Why are we so worried about our abusers and not more concerned with understanding and healing the damage they inflicted on us? Why is everything about what's best for them?

The answers to those questions are simple. And they are some of the reasons we ARE so damaged. Everything has always been about what is best for them. And very often that was what was dead worst for us. Forgiving isn't to heal us, though we're gaslit into believing it is. Forgiving as it's generally understood is about protecting abusers and giving them licence to abuse. 

I'm going to explain, or attempt to, why I now believe that rushing to forgive abuse might be one of the most dangerous things you can do. I recognize that this flies in the face of conventional wisdom but if you'll hear me out, I think it will make sense. 

Let's begin by understanding the very unilateral nature of the relationship between scapegoat child and dark tetrad parents. The child does not exist as a person. She is only a tool, a pawn, a cat's paw. She does the heavy lifting and they do the tying of rocks to her back. The scapegoat child of dark tetrad parents must ALWAYS put her parents first. No matter how neglectful, hurtful, mean and nasty they are. No matter that they have always excluded us from good and reserved bad for us. And it gets worse. We do this BECAUSE they have been so awful. They pirated our selves and groomed us to feel worthless, lifeless servants. They broke us for normal, healthy life. 

Everything is ALWAYS about them. They come first, last and always. So why would they not weaponize even their abuse for pity? Why would they not expect mercy when they neither show it nor feel remorse? Why would they not weaponize their child's guilt and shame that they planted in her to their own ends? That's a dark tetrad's M.O. Expect, demand, take, pirate, steal, cheat, lie and distort. 

And the M.O. of their victim child is to obey, comply, give in, give them what they demand, be a doormat for abuse. It was dangerous for her NOT to be these things. And if they are "religious"  dark tetrads, oh so much the worse. Now they have an entire arsenal for abuse in scripture which they wield like Commandos. And what does scripture say we are to do with those who persecute us? Forgive them. 

And we who have suffered at the hands of dark tetrad parents are so very good at forgiving. They don't have to apologize or even ask. They're not sorry. They're never wrong. Anything they do wrong is someone else's fault. Which,  to a non abuse-brain damaged person, will sound paradoxical because it is. If they aren't sorry and think they've done no wrong why do they also demand forgiveness? Because they want it all. I didn't see that then but I do now. And that leads me to the conclusion that forgiving a dark tetrad in the commonly understood definition is like handing them an ICBM. 

So first, let's play detective and ask some W questions? Who is the victim, who is the perpetrator and who is pushing forgiveness? The narcissist will paint herself as victim, always. Even, and this is so laughable, when SHE is the one who did the hurting. On purpose, willfully. She somehow manages to both accuse her victim and excuse herself. So let's just establish that she is not the victim but the perpetrator. 

Now, who is pushing forgiveness and why are they? Well, the victim child doesn't need to because that is her default response anyway: exonerate, expunge, excuse everything bad thing mommy and daddy do. The ones pushing forgiveness are people who have not been hurt by the dark tetrad. They are impartial judges: priests, ministers, counselors, other family members, favored siblings, flying monkeys. They freely dispense "wisdom" and advice  which costs them nothing. They don't want to know the actual circumstances of abuse. They are curiously blind, silent and ignorant when it is happening. 

They don't know jack shit about the hell the dark tetrad has forced on the child. And care even less. But yet they feel entitled to shame, pass  judgement and dictate what the victim "should do" about it. What is right and correct and good and Godly, in their opinion. What is good for the child, no one gives a fat rat's ass about. No one lifts a finger to help with the chaos and devastation the dark tetrad has wreaked. And ballsyest of all, if and when the poor kid finally gives in to the despair her parents have pushed her into, everyone wags scolding fingers at HER! They just keep pratting at her to forgive, suck up, ignore, bend over for more crap. 

Why do they do this? I have no clue. I don't' think or act like this. It's disgusting. I believe it has to do with them feeling a sense of self-righteousness with their holy-sounding cant. But what they don't stop to consider is how they are playing right into the dark tetrad's hands. 

The dark tetrad manipulates and gloats over this and how. The sanctimonious preachers have just handed them plateful of reasons to continue abusing unchecked. They've been confirmed in their arrogant supremacy. Literally, no one and nothing can touch them. Not even God. He just smiles benevolently on it all, the victim child believes. Her persecutors are free to do as they wish with complete immunity. It's all the kid's responsibility. She the fault and the cause and the one expected to fix. She has clean herself up after they shit on her, dig her own grave and make it all alright for the parents.   And bonus added, she has to feel guilty to them for her brokenness and thank them for the privilege of being hurt by them. 

Am I saying not to forgive? Yeah, sure am. And further more, I think God is saying this as well. Not in the traditional way, that is. Forgiveness is not condoning, ignoring or approving. I do not think God wants abused children no matter how old they are, to allow self-centered people to continue to hurt them. That is devil's work. It's certainly not good for us, our soul or our healing. How can we heal if our abusers have been given dispensation to continue ripping our wounds open?

I think it's time to put the horse before the cart with dark tetrads. It's NOT about what they deserve, are entitled to or demand. It's about what they are expected to do. As per scripture, God expects the dark tetrad to humble themselves, renounce wickedness, confess what they have done to their child, to the child, not just "in their heart" or their stupid little prayer closets. Closets hide a lot of wickedness and have a lot to answer for, just saying. 

God holds us all, including the dark tetrad to rules and regulations. They  are not above it all and He warns them not to think they are. They are required to "leave their gift at the altar and go make it right with whomever they hurt." And change their ways. I don't think the child is expected to do anything but accept that it happened and try to heal. That is genuine forgiveness. Maybe it also involves not taking revenge. But that's a slippery slope because the dark tetrad has the victim so shamed that she thinks anything she does to protect herself is revenge. Remember how everything is about them and what "hurts" them? 

But the chances of dark tetrads actually feeling remorse and making confession are nil. They want all the perks with none of the work. So it seems to me that forgiving isn't healthy for the dark tetrad either. Encouraging them to arrogantly think they are beyond God's law is a one-way trip south. And that's how we got in this situation in the first place. That's how we got so wounded. 

Healing CPTSD from narcissistic abuse means doing uncomfortably different things

 Hello my friends and a blessed Good Friday to you all. Today in my quest to heal CPTSD from a lifetime of narcissistic and dark tetrad parent abuse, I'm doing something different. And it feels weird and uncomfortable. And the responses I'm getting are unexpected and quite refreshing. What I'm doing is what I need, want and feel is right for me, not what others have dictated that I "should" do. Here's how.

As a Catholic I'd normally spend Good Friday, doing what is prescribed as penitential, fasting, sitting and kneeling at church all afternoon for Stations of the Cross and mass. I'd have gone to reconciliation multiple times.  And I'd still be miserable, shame-tortured and confused. I've never done anything by halves. And when converting to Catholicism as an adult, I went into it with my whole heart and soul. But it never did anything to assuage the mountain ranges of trauma and shame. In some ways, it made them bigger and worse. 

Am I saying the Church or  Good Friday practices are wrong or bad for me? Absolutely not, for most people. I was wrong for them. And they were broken for me. I have lived my life in the chaotic, anxious, frightening, dangerous, unhealthy and unsafe spaces I was pushed into. This was caused by the malignant, selfish, arrogant, manipulative cruelty of four four dark tetrad parents. They have abused, neglected, abandoned, tortured, endangered, exploited, enslaved, enmeshed, scapegoated, parentified, invalidated, shamed and gaslit all my life. And worst of all, they did it in the name of God. They taught me a false God that was themselves.   

So I don't fit in any form of religion or worship. I was made to completely contradict Bible teachings and worship other gods (my parents and their spouses) before the God. I was made to serve not two but four masters, none of whom was the God. I had to, in order to survive.  So now, scripture, prayer, sacraments, everything is confusing to me because it all goes against what I was taught. And the most confusing thing of all is that they proclaim, loudly and proudly to be Christians.  They tell others that they are ministers, teachers and leaders. They arrogantly tell others what to do. While behaving in and subjecting me to, very debauched, immoral and evil ways they preach against. 

Let me just stop here and say, I know, every time I write this, that it sounds exaggerated. Maybe you think I've made it up. Maybe you don't. But the voices in my head sure do. You wouldn't be the first if you did. I was told all my life that I was too sensitive, paranoid, deceitful, arrogant, showing off, disobedient, angry, disloyal, a failure, etc. Which made any form of faith life baffling as hell too. I'm not swearing there. It is hellish. I wish I was making this up. I wish I was just exaggerating. I wish I didn't always feel and quite frankly, look, like a freak. 

It isn't even a matter of believing, having faith, etc. I was told to put my faith in people who said this was obedience to God. I wish I had been more disobedient. I wish I'd rebelled. At least then I might have been able to discover the real God behind all this deception and chicanery. I didn't even do it for self-preservation. That flew out the window early on. I was in danger much more often than not. In fact, I didn't even learn fear. I got so used to be terror, shock, trauma, shame and self-loathing that I didn't know it from anything else. Like Eros says in Sherlock, "which one is pain?" 

So where am I going with all this? What am I doing differently this Good Friday? I'm shutting out the shame voices and listening to what I believe is the real God speaking. Normally I would be sitting in church, in excruciating pain. Part of the abuse and neglect took the form of neck, spinal, joint and hip damage from enforced heavy labor and untended medical issues. I'd be sitting in confession trying to explain this to someone who has no rubric or protocol for dealing with the kinds of things I've lived. I'd leave feeling more hurt, ashamed and unloved than before (this is not the priest's or anyone in my now's fault). 

So what I'm doing today, is sitting at home in a comfy chair, writing out my trauma. While my husband goes to confession and stations of the cross. This is what is right for him and doing what I'm doing seems like what's right for me. This is my confession. My prayer. My sacrifice. I offer up all the suffering over the years from dark tetrad abuse. And all the deadly and dysfunctional trauma responses it has created in me. I will  join my husband for the parts I can. And which I can do without added trauma and pain.

Is it all about me? Yes, when it comes to choices I make for myself. I didn't think so but I do now. I never have and never will do anything willingly to hurt others. I don't know how. But I do know how to hurt myself. And I need to stop and start healing. So maybe my way of doing things looks wrong or different. Okay. So be it. It is right and healthy for me. And I believe that the God that was hidden from me wants me to do this too. If I'm wrong, I'll take it up with Him. I am told He loves me and I think that means He will be gentle if I got it wrong. At any rate, it feels better to do the "wrong" things for the right reason than "correct" things out of suicidal shame and misery. 

Why dark tetrads act so arrogant, entitled, remorseless, manipulative, spiteful and hateful

 Hi friends. I promised in my last post that I would explain why I think dark tetrads act the way they do. It's baffling how they can be so arrogant, entitled, remorseless, manipulative and spiteful. But they are. I've described in past posts how my four dark tetrad parents behave. So now let's look at why (in my opinion) they act this way. 

Everything is a competition that they must win. They're not just competitive over limited resources. They don't just want their fair share. They want everyone else's too. They don't want some attention they want to be the center of it. Because they are 

Greedy and selfish. They don't just want, they want it all. They want what they have and what others have.  They are black holes of want that can never be filled. No one understands, cares, does enough or is enough for. Because dark tetrads are...

Takers not givers. They endlessly expect and demand and withhold from others. They want free love, joy, peace, kindness, patience with no strings attached but enmesh and entangle anything they might offer with thousands of conditions. Because they believe

They owe nothing, others owe them everything. They WILL get their way, by fair means or foul. They cheat, extort, con and guilt people out of stuff. They break promises, don't hold up their end of bargains, exploit, manipulate and steal. Because they are 

Entitled but also lazy.  Work is for people who don't know how to scam, they think. And why should they when their vanity tells them they shouldn't have and the universe should just reward them because they are special. What they want should just fall into their laps like ripe plums. And if it doesn't they get ...

Pathologically jealous of everyone, especially their children.  Or anyone who works for things and succeeds. Dark tetrads think they should have it all. And they should get to make bad choices, act selfish and lazy but still get good results that other people have worked a lifetime for. Actually they're just generally jealous by nature. And this makes them 

Bitter and resentful. Oh so bitter. And vindictive against anyone who has the temerity to have things they don't. Or even things they had or have but don't appreciate or take care of. Or be things they aren't. They want what they want when they want it without paying for it. Because they are 

Possessive and acquisitive. Where healthy people use things and love people a dark tetrad is the other way round. Getting things by normal routes isn't for them. Tricky or conning is their preferred method. Just like stolen fruit apparently tastes better. People exist only as their cat's paw. They steal souls and selves. They enmesh in you and take you over. Because they have 

No integrity, soul and identity. They are only a collection of personas they adopt to get what they want. They probably have a soul somewhere in there but it's been pawned to pay their greed. They keep stealing IDs such as from their children, but it never feeds their voracious self. Their unused integrity is as motheaten as a badly stored fur. 

Do they know they're so broken? IDK. Do they have any control over it? Ehh, survey says, yep. Would it be difficult to change? Probably no more difficult than any other problem to overcome. But with their overarching, overweening narcissism, I'm not holding my breath they will. 

And you shouldn't either. 

Baffling, cunning ways dark tetrads speak and disturbing things they say

 Hi friends! Hoping this post finds you well. Did you ever walk away from a conversation with someone and wonder what the heck just happened? They seemed very convincing, informed or all het up over something but you have no idea what they were talking about? Have you ever felt really uncomfortable, ashamed or icky about things someone said but can't put your finger on why? Chances are you were talking with a dark tetrad. Because these people not only act entitled, arrogant, manipulative and nasty, they talk that way too. But in very underhanded, baffling ways. I know this because I've lived with four dark tetrads as parents. However it took me 60 years to understand why I felt so awkward when talking with them. Here's how dark tetrads talk and some types of disturbing things they say. 

They are endlessly melodramatic. They use serio-comic facial expressions and do what I call Snidely Whiplash eyes. They  drop their voice to a stagey whisper then boom out in overly loud voices, as if projecting to an audience (which they are, in their head). You feel uncomfortable because their manner is too "big" for the type of conversation you're having. 

They talk at, not with, you. They are always on a stage at a podium, in their mind. They are overly aware of themselves, and not very aware of others. They expect that others are watching and listening and they continually look around to gauge reactions. 

They don't chat, they pontificate. Like the Pope, they speak ex cathedra. Unlike the Pope, they do it all the time not once every century. They pronounce judgement, posture, adopt poses, pass sentence, spread rumors with delight. You can't have an innocent conversation about the weather because it turns into a diatribe. 

They rail about others' sins while gloating. They get off on thinking about all the punishment God has is store for other people. They imprecate darkly about how disappointed God is with everyone else.  But they don't say how because they can't because they're doing these things themselves and they know we know it. 

They hint, backpeddle and never give a straight answer. They talk in circles because they think deviously. They sound very disingenuous because they never just say something. Everything is calculated to provoke a response. 

They must be the center of attention. They can't go too long in a group without doing something to make others notice them. My mother's method of choice is to do and say outrageously inappropriate things at inappropriate times. Like yelling "AMEN" in unfamiliar churches. Or waving her arms in the air and talking loudly at a funeral. She thinks this makes her look holy. It makes her look like a ridiculous show-off. Or wearing a nightgown to her great-granddaughter's baptism to garner pity. 

They don't listen. They are easily bored and irritated with others and anything that is not about them.  They listen long enough to hopefully hear something they can argue with or shame you over. 

They don't discuss, they ambush, argue and attack. The psychopath part of their dark tetrad makes them disagreeable and contrary. The sadist/Machiavellian part makes them deceitful and vindictive. And the narcissist component makes them self-righteous and above censure. hey will maliciously gossip about so-and-so who did thus-and-such which they usually did not. The dark tetrad did but is blame shifting. Don't let them corner you because they are spiteful as hell. 

They think they know everything. And that others want nothing more than to hear them hold forth. So they will make pompous, presumptuous and ignorant assumptions on things they know nothing about. They will arrogantly butt in on conversations they have no part of. They will make outlandish statements that make no sense. They are spin doctors and they listen intently to other spin doctors and pass off their nonsensical palaver like gospel truth. 

They do not like competition. My father believed that he and only he, was God's mouthpiece. He felt offended if he went into any church and wasn't asked to preach. He was not trained at all and scoffed at those who were. He also pouted when he wasn't asked to play his violin and then told me I was showing off and fishing for compliments when I sang in the bathroom alone. 

They double speak. My father arrogantly criticized everyone else, especially me. I was a show off, always angry, arrogant, selfish, too sensitive.  And then said that I was too critical of him when I said nothing. When he regularly picked on me, I needed to "lighten up." But I should take his shaming very seriously. And then said everyone was picking on him when they weren't. 

They talk strangely. It's hard to describe so I'll just compare it to Sarah Palin. They use hackneyed cliches and are overly familiar, jocular and snarky. They use dated expressions (which were silly then and are silly now) that they think make them sound edgy and with it. They mimic behaviors of people they think are cool. They affect a kind of drawl or fake intensity. It's cringy. 

They demonstrate ignorance.  Because they feel qualified to speak every subject, they don't bother to fact find and rely on hearsay. They also lie as often as they tell the truth. Probably more. So their utterances just sound, well, stupid. They don't even know the meaning of the words they use. My mother believes she's made up the phrase "rude, crude and lewd" and loves to trot it out. She once said it weirdly about Simon Cowell who is none of those things. 

They think they're cute when they're nasty. Even when they say incredibly objectionable, crass, and well to use her phrase "rude, crude and lewd" things. If others don't like it, well, they're just being too sensitive. 

They also take offense over nothing. True to their double standard natures, the insulting dark tetrad is also THE MOST OVERSENSITIVE SNOWFLAKE  you will ever meet. They are looking to be offended. And they reserve the right to be both vitriolic and nasty to others and at the same time, overly precious with themselves.

Then they flip-flop. Dark tetrad don't have individual personalities, as such. Or it's been so long since they've been honest and genuine that they might as well not have one. What they have is a repertoire of "images" that they adopt. It's not like a child, such as myself, who had her "self" stolen and who must wear masks to please. Dark tetrads don't do anything to please others, only to get their way. So they will change their presentation to achieve a desired result. In the middle of being immaturely catty, my mother will switch gears and put on her holier-than-thou preacher face. She might actually impart some words of wisdom. But very often it has a shame-base to it. And there's always an ulterior motive or six. 

They brand themselves and then sell it.  Dark tetrads aren't in customer service, they're in marketing. They shamelessly self-promote but not an honest self. They fancy themselves as being a certain thing and act how they think someone who is that way would act. It's all for show. An example I've shared before is my parents' belief that they were both missionaries and preachers with zero training pr church backing or even anyone being aware of them. This status existed only in their minds. 

They have conversations in their head with people that don't exist. They make a lot of over-generalized statements that have no bearing or are needlessly antagonistic. My mother for example, says "Merry Christmas" in that aggressive and polarizing way that says she's not actually wishing you well but  testing to see if you'll respond with "Happy Holidays" or the politically correct way. Then she says " THEY don't like it when you say Merry Christmas." When I asked her who "they" are, she didn't know. She'd just heard this rhetoric on Fox News. 

They think others see them as witty but  most think they're ridiculous and you can tell by the weird looks they get. Which the dark tetrad thinks is because they've just dazzled them with brilliance when all they've done is baffled with bullsh*t. It's very awkward for their family who has to watch. 

So you might be wondering what all these machinations are in aid of? It sounds exhausting and it is. Both to live with and I think, even for them. I'll get into what I think are the whys and wherefores in another post because now I am exhausted. 

Consequences of dark tetrad behaviors: the tax man cometh

Hello my friends. I've not written in a few days because I've been working on my taxes. And I realized that this has some allegorical connects for me as a child of dark tetrad (narcissistic, exploitative, psychopathic, sadistic) parents. The tax man cometh for the dark tetrad, in the form of consequences of their lifetime of arrogant, disagreeable, spiteful, manipulative, cruel actions. 

I've gathered this from 60 years of watching my two dark tetrad parents and their spouses and how it played out for them. For background, I've used stories they and others have told, too. I'm going to write this in series or step by step format, to show the logical progression of results coming full circle. 

Cruel, hurtful, entitled child and teenage dark tetrad behaviors. Narcissists might be grown from childhood trauma but dark tetrads are born. They may start out as normalish kids but quite soon, they begin acting risky, impulsive, selfish, arrogant and cruel. My dad told stories with pride, of humiliating others, injuring animals and flouting his parents. My mother grandly spoke of endangering younger siblings, being pathologically jealous of them and going out of  her way, as an adult, to one-up and outshine them (including her her sister's wedding). She kicked me out of my room and moved her brother and his girlfriend into it, not to help them but to hurt me and my grandparents. 

She was proud of damaging a beautiful dress her mom had made her so she could give a piece of it to a boy they didn't approve of. She didn't do this for him but to spite her parents. She often told (with venom) how her mother had "hit her over the head with a milk bottle" and then lied and said she never hit me when she did regularly. So you might say these are normal child experiences and perhaps they are, but there's an element of  maliciousness that normal kids don't have. Because dark tetrads have too little humility and remorse and have an overabundance of entitlement. 

Increasingly boundary stomping and manipulative behaviors in young adulthood. Normal people learn from their mistakes and try to make healthier choices. The only thing a dark tetrad learns is that they got away with it. The more they "get away with" the more entitled they become. They get arrogantly (and naively) convinced that the universe (God, whoever they believe is in power) is rewarding them. Their self is boundless.  Very shortly, they are confusing themselves with God. And so they become...

More audacious and outrageous. Armed with the universe's unilateral imprimatur, they believe they are now invincible and can do no wrong. Nothing can touch them. They can and do all manner of blatantly  ridiculous, impulsive, insane or cruel things because God smiles benevolently on it all. They are completely shameless and blameless. They are ubermenschen, beautiful, superior and flying high above mere mortal rules and conventions. But they are also

Competitive and jealous AF.  So the arrogant entitlement should mean dark tetrads are completely happy in their selfish world. But they aren't. Both because they are never satisfied and because there's a little black spot in their sun called "other people." It's not enough that they have carte blanche to do as they please. It's not enough that they should succeed. Others must not. Other people must do as the dark tetrad pleases, too. And that is to fail.  Dark tetrads only feel good if others are feeling bad (ashamed lonely, stupid). Preferably by something the dark tetrad has done. 

Rule-breakers and also rule-makers. It's also no fun for them to be above the rules unless rules are rigidly enforced on others. They will even create rules to hold others to, so that they can lord over them, how above it they are. They usurp power, drain resources and become increasingly more tyrannical and demanding. They're hypocritical, haughty, preachy and judgmental. Shaming, one-upping, finger-pointing, set-ups, stings and "whistle-blowing" are aphrodisiacs of choice. But it doesn't last and with age, they become more and more..

Enraged, Pathetic, pouty, passive-aggressive. Dark tetrads blow through relationships like most people change underwear. Well, I say relationships but they are far too far up their  own asses to relate. They bulldoze and burn people who are unlucky enough to be in their path. But little by little, the stepped on get the picture and back away. And when the dark tetrad realizes that they are no longer the hottest thing in the room they become the most pitiful. They go into full on pathetic, even feigning disability and dementia and claiming diminished responsibility. They play on sympathy and extort shame-induced caretaking from others. But it's the same song just different verse. It's not a pretty sight. This is also the time when most significant others have cut them off. 

And this is when the tax man takes his pound of flesh, to mix a metaphor. All their high flying, ruthless machinations have come crashing down. One by one, their fantasies have proved fake. There's no one left to exploit or gull, to scapegoat or blame. No one's playing the fool or even watching the show. The dark tetrad is alone and miserable and raging for attention, but there's no one to see or help. They have to dig themselves out or not. And because they've never really had to be accountable, they're stuck. And it's even less pretty than the pouty rage stage. 

If you've been a minion of the dark tetrad, it's now that you'll feel compelled to rush in and bail them out. That's the worst thing you could do. Now is the time for reality to bite really hard. The only way God can get through is if enablers get out of the way. It's the only thing that can save them. I'll blog more about that later. 

How dark tetrads see themselves vs how we see them

Hello my friends. Since I stumbled on the term dark tetrad to describe narcissistic, exploitative, psychopathic and sadistic personalities, I realized it fits my four parents (two bio, two step) to a T. Today I'm going to explore what dark tetrad people think they are and what they really are. I'm going to be very honest here and not mince words.  Their behavior is disturbing and frankly, from the perspective of a child of dark tetrads, disgusting. I've been covering and making excuses for this behavior all my life. And at 60, I can't afford to anymore. This is my rage against the dying of light that was stolen from me.

1) They think they are alluring and irresistible. We see them as predatory, weirdly seductive, inappropropriately sexual and creepy flirty especially with much older or younger people. They dress oddly out of place in attention-seeking ways. They act coy, precocious and make bizarre, trout-pouty facial expressions. They talk in babyish voices and will even feign a lisp. Think the Love's Baby Soft ad. Or they turn on the vamp. Everything is done to provoke an unhealthy response in people. 

2) They fancy themselves the hottest thing in the room (when they are young). We see them as just another pretty face, no more no less. They make everything a beauty contest and if anyone else is attractive, they cut them down behind their backs, calling them "trampy" or worse. They scorn them for wearing the same types of clothing they wear. We are confused by their spite and jealousy. 

3) If they can't be the hottest, they'll be the most pathetic. As they age, they have to accept the inevitable that they will no longer be able to lure with seduction. So they become the most pitiful with every act and word a maneuver to elicit sympathy. My mother once told our extended family that "sometimes we don't get enough to eat." She feigns dementia, hearing and memory loss. But can remember imagined slights with crystal clarity. They up the babyish helplessness while oddly still maintaining a controlling sneering manner toward others. She says she's so "helpless" that she will walk into traffic unless someone pulls her back but yet is with it enough to feel entitled to preach to others about their "sin." 

4) They believe that when they talk everyone should listen. Like E.F. Hutton. They pontificate on things they know nothing about and end up sounding ridiculous. They make no sense. Mom has always made weird exaggerated and passive-aggressive comments criticizing imagined faults. She'll  make offhand comments about how "hell is still hot so people better get their shit together (sic)." While still fancying herself a minister (with no training) who should be given special dispensation. While insisting on wearing adult diapers just because she doesn't feel like getting to the bathroom. Which she gets annoyed that "her tax dollars" (which she doesn't pay) won't pay for. Very confusing. 

5) They think they're naughty and outrageous, making everything nauseatingly about sex. Even and especially to their kids. They weaponize it. They exploit it and try to lead others to sin. And then attack them behind their backs for it. Been there, had that done to me. We find them uncomfortable and distasteful. And bloody well immoral. 

6) They see themselves as bold truthtellers. They criticize and judge behavior harshly and often unfairly. But they do it in cowardly backhanded ways. They lie, distort and deceive. They start malicious rumors, whisper behind people's backs and spread gossip. Their honeyed voices drip poison. They collect fake intel on people like trading cards. Doesn't matter if it's true or not. They repost nasty things they see on social media.  Think I.C.E. We see them as hypocritical, self-righteous and morally bankrupt. 

7) They think they are in an exalted position (or at least want us to think they are). They want us to believe that their  have special privileges.  After all their muck-raking, they blatantly do the very things they have just faulted other people for. They twist commandment breaking into good deeds. My mother called her affairs with  married men and helping obtain an abortion (which she has always been loudly opposed to) as outreach ministry. She spun moving her boyfriend in (while still trotting us to church) as another form of charity. This I did believe because I was so gaslit. Other people saw it for what it was: adultery, fornication, child endangerment and abuse. And murder, frankly. 

8) They think they're cute, charming and witty. They talk and act in exaggerated ways.  They fly high  in social situations, talking luridly and in attention-seeking ways. They flout common courtesy and social norms. They laugh loudly, at the wrong times and in inappropriate places, like funerals.  My mother smeared  pie in my face at a social gathering. She thought she was so funny. Everyone else thought she was ignorant, crude, tedious and embarrassing. 

9) They tell everyone they're shy and retiring then go out of their way to be the center of attention. Then do very attention-seeking things to humiliate others and blame it on their "discomfort in social situations."  For decades, my mother has made family gatherings all about herself. And then made up stories about how "her family" (it was never mine) was so awful to her. This was designed to engage sympathy and in my dad's and her second husband's case, provoke them to anger (neither one needed much setting off). 

10) They see themselves as always above reproach. It's always someone else's fault.  If they did wrong, they didn't mean to. If confronted, they adopt a helpless, naive or even senile pose designed to engage pity and shift blame to others who don't "understand" them and hold them accountable. They open their eyes wide and lie to your face. They "forgot" anything they did wrong. But have an encyclopedic memory for things they say others did to them. We see them as fake posers. 

11) They see themselves as calm, rational, mature leaders. They will adopt a weird low-pitched, intense melodramatic tone of voice when relating some bad thing someone has supposedly done. But it barely conceals their malignant glee and scorn. But if you should call them on it or even just seem to question them, they will alarmingly crack wide open. And you'll see the immature, irrational hot mess they are. And you do not want to be in their path when that geyser erupts.  

12) They pretend to be honest and straightforward but are as deceptive and crooked as a snake in the grass. Actually that's not fair to snakes. They can't help it. Dark tetrads can. They continually change masks to suit their purpose. You never know which face you're getting. They don't have a real face because they've been so duplicitous. 

In conclusion, dark tetrads are not safe people to be in relationships with. It's unfortunate, especially if they are your parents. You don't have the luxury of  the same kind of interaction people with healthier parents have. Just another of the many things dark tetrad parents fubar for their kids. 

Why adult kids of dark tetrad parents have to set their own (seemingly wrong) rules

 Hi friends. Yesterday I shared things I've learned from people who didn't live under dark tetrad parents' collective thumb. Today I'm explaining why adult children of narcissists have to write their own rules and why they will probably look crazy or even selfish or bad. Let's begin by dissecting polarities children of dark parents lived with, as the first step to understanding my contradictory approach. 

Dichotomous thinking vs. nuanced thinking. Kids of dark tetrad parents were raised with polarization, dichotomies, extremist and catastrophic thinking and behaviors and oversimplified generalizations. Life was black or white, good or bad, pure or tainted, holy or evil, obedient or disobedient, loyal or unfaithful, right or wrong. In my case, I was led to believe I was bad, us and them, evil, wrong, tainted and black and "them" while everyone else was good, right, pure white, obedient, faithful, holy and "us." There were no graduations or gray or nuances and certainly no rainbows. That was wicked and ungodly, supposedly. Even writing these posts, I tend to use polarized words. But then they pair all that with...

Deceit, Deception, duplicitousness, distortion, disguise and deviousness but not delusions. Narcissist dark tetrads aren't just delusional. In fact they're not truly delusional at all. They are self-promotionally deceptive which is very different. They pose as righteous, holy, moral etc. They arrogantly expect others will believe they are these things. But they blatantly do not live it. That's the entitlement. They may act any way they wish but others must respect and treat them as paragons. Which of course, leads to 

Double standards that change constantly. They have this insanely crazy-making habit of confusing the hell out of people, especially their children with their audacious double speak and act. They will confidently do some outrageous thing and then just as confidently lie and accuse you of doing it. But you didn't get the memo that they are above it all and that rules don't apply to them. Very often they aren't even real rules and definitely not God's. They are the dark tetrad's made up protocol that YOU have to live by. And they change it randomly, to keep you on your toes and afraid.  Which of course is absolutely mind-imploding for a child. Because...

Nothing bloody fits. Nothing works. The child is constantly out of place, in the wrong and has no idea why. Just when I thought I knew what they wanted and expected, BAM! it flipped and I was disappointing them again. I couldn't even ask what to do because I should just know nor if I got it right because that was prideful. They had a comeback for everything. I guess I was supposed to just keep hopping till I fell. And then apologize and beg to be told how I could fix it though I was the one with cuts and bruises. My behavior didn't even fit with people outside the dark tetrad's cult. People don't understand why I am so baffled, clumsy, self-abasing, ashamed and desperately eager to please. I  just look awkward and freakish. So the only conclusion left to the child is that she is...

Not good enough. I was set to impossible tasks which most adults couldn't or wouldn't do. The list of expectations was endless. I was both parentified and infantilized. I was left to care for all their kids then scolded and punished for not doing it perfectly. There was no winning. Being too agreeable only got me more demands. Groveling earned me annoyance. If I tried it wasn't hard enough, if I tried too hard it was showing off. If I asked for help, I was lazy. If I sighed or didn't look happy enough, I was rebelling. If I didn't do it fast enough, I was disobedient. If I succeeded, I was arrogant. Finally I had to face that...

All is futile. Well, all I did was futile. No matter how hard I tried and I tried very hard. Their black or white thinking meant that it was either or. Either I failed or didn't. There was no learning curve. Just a right angle. But I could never tell the difference because I never heard good job. Ever. And then couple that with the fact that their arrogance said they were always right. So any normal thing that seemed to contradict was blown up into something unthinkably wicked.  It's made me miserable, hopeless and nihilistic. Why would I even try when all I do is wrong? But yet I have, only for the wrong reasons. Because...

They are invincible, omniscient, omnipotent, perfect and basically gods. They had only to touch something and it turned to gold. It didn't. But they were very convincing. Today I fancy myself a minister with no formal training and poof, so others usher me to the pulpit where I will tell enlighten them on their sins. Dating a 17 y/o at 36 (with a child) is pedophilia for others, not me. Hooking up with a married man is adultery except when I do it, it's mission work because his wife is mean. Abortion is wrong for others but not for me. Moving my boyfriend is God's will and you have to obey him because I say so. The child is stuck in a loop of hypocrisy and confusions so 

Nothing is right-side up Everything is distorted. Up is down. Wrong is right. Morals, rules, expectations are for other people. It's like living in a parallel universe where everything is opposite, upside down and backwards. There's no way out of this loop. Even God is not what He is to other people. He's is not Love to a child of dark tetrad parents but scorn and shame. Because they have made themselves gods and blocked the real one from the child. Only she doesn't know that and just assumes it's yet another thing that's one way for others and another for her. 

Now, you can see that this is all so wrong. But I  couldn't till a few years ago. They are that good. I can see that it's going to take a long time to fix the earthquake damage from these dark tetrads. And is seems to me that one of the first ways is to begin turning things right side round. I need to get perspective and an fresh outlook away from the gaslighting lies of the one I was given. What I need is a new set of healthier rules. And since nothing fit and rules didn't apply, they still don't. 

Healing childhood trauma like this won't be done by using a traditional toolset. It looks very different because it always was. I suspect that I may get some scolding from those who don't understand. So I'll have to begin minding the red flags God (the real one) sets up for me. I need to learn and use skills of self-care, protecting boundaries and listening to the Holy Spirit in my heart. 

Contradictorily healthy things we who've lived with dark tetrad parents can learn those who haven't

Hey friends. I promised in my last post to share ways I'm learning to respond rather than react to narcissistic abuse, shaming and gaslighting. And it occurred to me that I can learn some surprisingly and contradictorily healthy responses from people who haven't lived with dark tetrad parent abuse. Or just people who've sailed safer than this failed navigator. 

And before I begin, let me just say that some of these may very well sound like retaliation, making you statements, clapping back, responding in kind and other things we've been told are wrong. Well, be that as it may. They are nonetheless very helpful for those of us who have lived in the crosshairs of a narcissist parent. 

We have been subjected to manipulative people's two sets of rules all our lives. We've been schooled to turn the other cheek to people abusing us. To rise above their chaos (as if). To be the bigger person, when they are being demanding, immature and small-minded. To give our cloak and tunic after they've stripped us bare. All our lives, we've heard that it doesn't matter how anyone hurts us. WE must  respond perfectly lovingly at all times. While they were acting like selfish, arrogant, malignant narcissists. 

And just saying, if these things are so wrong, why did Jesus do them? He clapped back at the Pharisees repeatedly.  Apparently no one told him that lambasting the money-changers was "reacting in anger." Or confronting their tricksy double-speak was responding in kind or calling them "white-washed sepulchers was name-calling (tsk tsk). If it's good enough for the Savior of the Universe, it's good enough for me. 

Because we didn't ask for this trauma. We didn't ask for the hypocritical double standards that were foisted on us. We weren't given support, good role models or a just set of rules. We got chaos and shoved in it. So, needs must, we might have to rewrite some different rules for ourselves. Which brings me to tool number one. 

Do what I want and know that I can. Ever notice how some people go through life blatantly doing as they please regardless of anyone else? I've always thought that was unspeakably selfish. And very often it is. But I've also learned that I can do likewise. I don't HAVE to be right, perfect or even good, because some person says I have to. Especially not persons who have always done exactly as THEY pleased. And I certainly don't owe anyone service, waiting on, kowtowing or obedience. Sure it might be better for me if I do. Or I might do hurtful or wrong things. There may be consequences. But the fact remains I can. The world won't come screeching to a halt, anymore than it did all the time my parents heedlessly trampled on me. Because I can also

Lower myself to someone else's standards. Nope I didn't stutter. I can respond in kind and sometimes I have no choice but to. My parents excluded, marginalized, kicked me to the curb and shut me out of "their families" all my life. Now, I've shut them out of mine. I'm the one keeping them at arm's length. Is it retaliation? Am I being unforgiving? Who cares, it's a moot point. If they want to see it that way, I can't control it just like I couldn't control them going "no contact" with me. I call it is finally accepting that I was only useful, not loved by them. And this helps me

Be the smaller not bigger person. Do I mean small-minded? Eh, maybe? There's a lot of pain and misery cluttering this big mind of mine. So I'm ready for some smaller, safer spaces. But that's not exactly my point here. What I mean is that I've always fallen for their gaslighting bullshit about always having to be bigger and better, rise above, ignore all the crap. I've had to work harder, longer and more than everyone in their family combined. And let me tell you, it never did me any good, only harm. They don't WANT you to succeed or be better because it shows up how they've failed. So they will slap you down while at the same time setting you to unreachable standards. 

Call their bluff (call them on it). I have my young neighbor to thank for this one. When someone made a nasty, cutting remark, instead of doing as I'd do and ignore (rise above, you know the drill) she said "what a strange thing to say." I cheered when she told me. If I'd have done that all the flying monkeys of hell would be on my back. Hearing her say it sounded pretty damn good. And so now, when I have another encounter with one of the shamey, holier-than-thou preachy lot I seem to attract like flies, Imma do likewise. 

Turn the shaming tables. A few years ago, a priest called me out in front of the congregation (as you do) for arriving a few minutes late. I had car trouble. I didn't see it coming and he really blindsided me. He then said he could have withheld communion. I cringed (literally recoiled) and shamefully apologized. Well, that was then. If something like this ever happened I would now turn it back on him, saying "well why didn't you? Why are we having this conversation here? It's not the place for it and you are violating your vow of silence by taking this outside the confessional." Vindictive? Nope. Real. 

Pick my hill and defend it. Instead of backing down when people humiliate, fault find, criticize insult, mock, abuse or shame me as I always have done, I'm going to stand my ground. I'm not looking for a fight but I'm not selling my soul to keep the peace either. Because attacks aren't peaceful. And while I don't have the bandwidth for constant policing, I am sick of absorbing their bilge and feeling ashamed all the time. So now I will 

Head 'em off at the pass. Said differently, when something sounds attacking, accusatory or shaming, I'm going to call them on it. If in doubt, I'll say something like" did I just hear you correctly?" Because I'm humble enough to admit I've heard what people aren't saying (thank you, Youtuber Kris Reece for that). If I did hear them correctly, I will say something. "Mmm, I don't agree." Or "I'm sorry you feel that way. I don't." Or "I can see this worries you but it doesn't, me." Then end the conversation. And maybe contact if egregious enough.  

Respond on my time. Or never if I don't want to. Especially if it's something they're trying to guilt me into doing. I gave myself a 60th birthday present of credit for being an adult and able to decide what I want to engage in and what I don't. Poor planning on someone's else's part doesn't mean and an emergency on mine. 

Stop caring and say it. My husband has always been confidently assertive of what he cares and doesn't care about. If uninterested, he'll say so. I have always been terrified of not caring, let alone actually saying it (my dad would have shat pink kittens if I had).  But I'm learning from husband this healthy skill, correctly called detachment. And knowing your boundaries. 

Stop fixing what others have broken. Let it stay broken. My mother wants to talk about why we're estranged and time was, when I'd have felt obliged to justify, answer, defend and explain. And fix. Always fix. Now I don't. She's had 60 years of breaking her promise and my heart. She never apologized or even acknowledged. She's lied, backpeddled, blame shifted and gaslit her way through life. She's never cared till now when judgement day is approaching. Not when I needed her. I cared and cared and got disdain for it. And yanno what, now I don't care. You can only push someone away so many times before they get the hint and stay gone. Confronting past hurts leads to more hurt. So I'm exiting off Broken Dream Boulevard. I could no more fix the potholes than I could patch lunar craters. 

Are adult children of narcissists so different than other kids? (yes)

Hi friends. In my series on normal things dark tetrad parents fubar for their kids, I'm asking (as so many non ACON- adult children of narcissists have) if we're really so different from other kids? I've second-guessed myself all my life on this. But I'm going to show just how radically different we are to people who've not suffered narcissistic parent abuse and neglect.

So my kneejerk response is to anxiously reassure readers (and/or myself) that I'm not doing this to show off and claim special status. I don't proclaim to know how other people grew up or what they experienced. But that kneejerk is also a trauma-based response. So I'm going to do something waay outside my comfort zone and not make those disclaimers. I'm just going to nail my thesis to the door, make no excuse and let it be read as written. First thing that makes us different...

They'll know we are narcissistic abuse victims by our trauma responses. So the very fact that I automatically go into worry-placate mode is the first example of how I am different. All those trauma responses of hypervigilance, anxiety, neurotic ruminating, second-guessing, apologizing, constant validation seeking, demonstrate just how broken I am. You can spot us narc abuse victims a mile away. Just look for the one trying to fix everything. The one rushing around with the tea trolley, patting hands and doling out Darjeeling while bleeding out. 

We fix what others break but believe we broke it. Ever see the kid who, when a fight breaks, doesn't cheer but rushes to comfort the combatants? That was me. The one who, when someone was getting picked on, body blocked the assailant's punches. Who hugged a girl who got chocolate milk poured on her by another girl. Who shoved a big, fat bully who was harassing my friend half her size. And got called on the carpet by a (creepy) teacher because her underwear showed. So bearing one another's burdens is all well and fine. But we do it out of shame and terror. And because we've been told things are our fault that aren't That we're responsible for everyone else's crises no matter how manufactured they were. We have to fix the unfixable, right the unrightable wrong. 

We wear a differently colored school tie. Because we went to a different school with very different teachers. Teachers (parents) that taught not by example but with punitive threats, coercion, manipulation, endangerment, humiliation and emotional caning. And fierce, unquestioning, militaristic loyalty to this homeschool was the regimen we lived under. 

DADT was our school song. Narcissistic abuse sufferers lived under DADT long before it was a thing. Don't ask, don't tell and also don't feel, don't see, don't hear. Ignore that man behind the curtain. Suck it up. Keep it to yourself. No one cares. You're wrong. You're exaggerating, making it up for attention. Just keep your mouth shut and do your job. Which are actually everyone else's jobs inclusive. 

We don't exist. Our personhood and identity were stolen at birth by dark tetrad--malignant, exploitative, cruel, self-centered--bullies. We became pawns of the family-state. Drones to the king and queen bee. Gamma slaves to the Alpha parents. Shadows with no person behind them. Marionettes in their drama. 

So how does this make us different? Are we different or does everyone experience this? Hell to the yeah and nope, not if user-reported experiences are anything to go by. And the strange looks I get when I behave in all these aforementioned ways. And the barely concealed scorn and disbelief on the rare occasions that I tell anyone. So that last might be my paranoia trauma response. Maybe what I perceive as scorn could just be difficulty comprehending that life could be like this. 

Could but not always. Because I have heard my fair share of actual verbalized shaming over the years, for trauma response behaviors. And for daring NOT to trauma respond and for acting healthy.  Very often, it's been damned if I do or don't. Especially in the church groups, youth groups and summer camps I've had the misfortune to be part of. There's no gaslighting like a holier-than-thou, self-righteous "christian." And that's sad. 

But it does reinforce what I'm saying. That I don't fit in because I was broken and remade weird by dark parents. If even the church people I've tried so hard to please and emulate find me an object of ridicule how screwed up am I? I read my Bible, did my devotions, prayed, fasted, humbled myself to the point of letting people walk on me. I did it sincerely. I did it better than some of those preaching it did. To no avail. 

Which proves that most other people do not share my experiences or my trained responses. It makes no sense to them. I look like a freak. And what do most people do when they encounter something they don't understand? Shun it. Hate it. Deride and scorn it. 

Am I saying everyone's a hater?  (I hate that term). No of course not. That would make me guilty of the generalization I object to in others. It's not a me against them thing. Though I will say if feels like it sometimes. And fwiw, I've experienced more disbelief than acceptance, reaching out and support from people. And most of those who have, I've had to pay for understanding. 

And yes, I might not be giving people a chance. But why would I if they're putting up danger signals? Been there, plowed through that red flag, have the dents to prove it. You can see if you look when someone is heading down the path of scorn. It's obvious from facial expressions and body language. Well, now that I see it for what it is, anyway. In that case, it's best to just steer clear. I'll blog more on what I'll be doing differently in future when someone starts in. 

And I know, I may sound like a "not like other girls" or whatever that term is for people who feel themselves different. But I'm NOT like other girls who had loving parents, resources, support, encouragement of parents. I am different.  And so is anyone who's lived with narcissistic abuse and neglect. 

And I'm not making these claims to put myself above anyone (see there I go again, trauma reassuring) Good grief, that's the last thing I'd do. I don't fucking want to be different! I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I'm just trying to get to a healthier, safer, less painful state of being. 

 

Shocking and Bewildering dark tetrad parent neglect, endangerment and abandonment

 Hi friends. We've been covering some difficult things lately haven't we? Today I'm dealing with some of my most painful, shocking and bewildering experiences. I'm allowing myself to remember situations of neglect, endangerment and abandonment. I'm permitting the associated feelings to surface, after 60 years of keeping them squashed down. 

What triggered this was seeing kids do things with their families, which led to memories of doing things with my children and then getting struck by the realization that these things didn't happen with me. I have virtually no recollection of doing anything with my parents when they were married and even less when they divorced, remarried and had other families. Then the memories were of doing a lot of childcare and housework. 

And when I say nothing, I mean nothing. No picnics, holiday events, ball games, family outings, didn't watch TV together, not even any family meals together. I don't recall them putting me to bed. There are maybe two of being read a story. And one of laying on their laps in the car (we did that back then). But I can't remember any bedroom, bed or dining room table. 

There is one memory of going to A&W. And another of a Christmas present of some baking pans. And of getting my mom a  present which she made fun of and made me cry. My dad made some play furniture out of cardboard boxes (those were my only toys). And I think he took me to see Joan of Arc. It might have been Uncle Jim. So there were a few, sorry. But nothing consistent at all. I remember being places but not knowing where my parents were or who were the people there. What I have are a few assorted recollections like you'd have with an aunt or uncle you saw once a year. 

And maybe I should say that I don't have many good memories. Bad ones I have in abundance. Well, we did move around a lot. As in every month or so. I never had a consistent bedroom. They didn't move for jobs and weren't regularly employed. I spent most of my childhood on my own with no adult around. Not even knowing where they were. Lots of time spent with strangers. Lots of memories of being frightened or sick or in pain and no one there. 

I always say I sort of grew up by accident. Not by any planning or with any real support. Life was chaos. I can't even say "we" because there was no we. They were never around. They didn't know or care who I played with. Neither one cared if I was picked on or hurt. I've experienced terrible things throughout my life, alone. The few times I tried to tell someone, I was told to quit showing off. I  have been left alone in places and situations adults would be afraid to be in. Then when they divorced and had new people, there were more people to endanger. Both of them have been absent from my life for months to  years at a time. 

What befuddles me the most is how they could or why they would stay so distant. What is it about me that's so off-putting? Also, I never realized how very different my life was to everyone else I have spoken to. Things they take for granted are things I have no experience of. Yet I'm some how able to put myself in their shoes. 

I just realized that I personally don't have memories of things. I "recall" things that are actually others' memories. It's like I've only lived vicariously thru others, seen thru their eyes, heard with their ears. I don't know how this is exactly. But it is. I can't call to mind anything like what they describe. All I can think is that I'm a good listener and very empathic. Empathetic in the truest sense of the word. I live "with" other people. Like a shadow that goes everywhere but participates in nothing. And no one knows she's there. 

"Helpful" comments on CPTSD and abusive parents that are really gaslighting

 Hi friends. Can I just take a minute to thank you for reading and walking my healing journey with me? I hope if you've experienced narcissistic dark tetrad parent abuse, this is helpful to you. And speaking of  helpful, today we're  looking at "helpful" comments people make to CPTSD sufferers that are really just more gaslighting. I've written on this before but it bears more examination because these wolf-in-sheep's-clothing comments can really take you down a dark spiral of shame if you're not prepared and don't see them for what they are. 

First, we have to establish where I as the victim of narcissistic parent abuse am compared to those who aren't. Abuse sufferers come from a completely different place than those raised in more healthy situations. Our lives were characterized by weaponized and parent-created trauma and chaos. 

Humiliation, unsettling confusion, attacks, set ups, backstabbing, were our norm. So our normal behavior was fear, shame, awkward trauma responding, kowtowing, self-doubt, hypervigilance, worry, anxiety and sadness. We were enmeshed by narcissists and expected to give away our selves and be only servants.  

People who were raised by caring and nurturing parents have no idea what that's like. They were taught to be confident. We were taught self-doubt. They could and did set goals for themselves. We were taught that our only goal was to serve the family (aka them as we really weren't part of the family, just unpaid staff). 

They were encouraged in their pursuits, we were discouraged as it took our resources away from them. They were allowed lives, interests and plans of their own. Our only goals were to please our enmeshed demanding parents. Their interests had to be ours and if we  had any of our own, they were mocked and invalidated and shamed. Our childhood, lives, our very selves were pirated by selfish parents and siblings. 

So that was a long discourse but necessary to understand how childhood trauma sufferers lived polar opposite lives. And why we are so vulnerable to certain "helpful" comments which actually hurt like hell. Such comments as:

"Your parents meant well." Well, that's what I've always gaslit myself into believing and which belief magnified my trauma 100 fold. And which they both caused and exploited. I've made excuses for them all my life. I never even saw that most all of what they did was cruel. While they betrayed, set me up to fail and never even gave me the benefit of doubt. So did they mean well? Because it really feels like they meant it to be just as abusive as it was. And really, how would you know they meant well? Hmm? You didn't live under their reign of terror. YOUR parents meant well. Please don't put your expectations on me when I don't have the resources you have. And why would you anyway? What's it to you? If you can't handle hearing how it was for me, just peddle your mops. 

"There must have been SOME good times, right?" Yep, a scant few, and they made the bad ones all the worse. Because every "good time" ended with the rug being pulled out and me being reminded what a sucker I was to think I could have what other kids did. But what's your point anyway? If 90% of my experiences are hurtful how are a few less hurtful ones going to help? Or are you trying to catch me in some lie or exaggeration? Are you hoping for a gotcha moment so you can feel self-righteous? 

"Move on" "Grow up" "Let it go." "Faith over fear" "Let go and let God" "Pray more" "Read you Bible." "Go to church" "Get over it." And other such fake-positive Christian-shamey, morally-superior sounding claptrap. It all sounds so pious till you stop to recall that these people aren't preaching to themselves. They're canting to someone suffering about whom they have no understanding of nor concern for. 

I've gone to church, read my Bible, prayed all my life. Why suggest I haven't? My parents wouldn't allow faith to triumph over the fear they instilled in me. It won't let me go. Moving on was very dangerous, just like growing up, being the bigger person, getting over it, yada yada. They DEMANDED I stay stuck in the muck they created. So not helpful. And please, do you think I haven't been there, tried that all many times before? Could you be any more clueless and idiotic?

So you might say, oh people who say that just don't understand. THEY mean well. You're damn right they don't. They've not lived it. I've not lived cancer either but I don't need to, to respect the suffering. I'd cut my tongue out before I uttered such shaming platitudes to those who have. And no, just like my parents, they DON'T mean well. Comments like this feel like shaming and invalidation because they are.  What they're basically saying is to tolerate pain and let people hurt you. But ignoring it won't make it go away. It throws petrol on the flames. 

All these cutesy cliches do no good and only harm. Because what comments like this boil down to is blatant, ignorant, arrogant, insensitivity. They make you feel even more beaten down, ashamed, disgusted with yourself and uncared for. And not to put too fine a point on it, if you were already feeling suicidal, these comments just hand you the gun. 

People like us are already too vulnerable to shame. We autoshame and all we hear in crap like this more shame. Bad girl, you told someone what your parents did. Shame on you. How often I heard that phrase and I never did understand just what I was getting shame for. But still I took it. And I am a messed up mess because of it. 

What they are telling you is to ignore your pain and God's red flags and bend over for more. And people who talk like this are the really screwed up ones. So their opinions are not worth listening to. Focus on your own healing. No one needs more shame. 

Please God, if you're privileged enough to have someone trust you with their  childhood trauma and you're tempted to say one of these stupid things, apologize for your lack of empathy and walk away. And if you suffer from childhood trauma and you run into someone who talks like this, RUN away. Read the red flags. Don't let them mind eff you. 

CPTSD nightmares show horror of dark tetrad parent abuse but ways out too

Hello my friends. Another day, another night of CPTSD nightmares and they just get more disturbing. But the more I really look at what's happening in them, the more I realize the horror dark tetrad parent abuse. But, also, perhaps, a way too. But I can never find healing till I unpack just how horrifying the horrors were. That, I'm learning, is why I cycle endlessly through these trauma dreams night after night. My mind is trying to find a way out. 

Last night's nightmare might have been one of the scariest but also most eye-opening. So first, some background  on why it was so scary. When I tell you what happened, I'm pretty sure you're going to think, "that's scary?" What no haunted houses or killer clowns? Well, if you've ever been a child victim of dark tetrads (malignant, malicious, manipulative, arrogant, vicious and bullying) you know that they make killer clowns look like Pooh Bear. Give me Pennywise any day over my dad. 

And if you knew my dad, you might wonder what I was talking about. Or any of my four dark tetrad parents. They present a very different, Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde face to others than they do/did to me. I got all the venom, spite and rage. It's like I was a catalyst for it, that I somehow did or was something that unleashed all this ugliness. 

Well, at least that's what I was told. It's your fault, Marilisa. You're too sensitive (c'mon folks, sing along, if you follow my blog, you know the litany by now) You're too sensitive. Disobedient, selfish, disloyal, disrespectful, a bad seed. A letdown, failure and disappointment as a daughter. God has no use for you either. 

Funnily enough, family members have since let slip that they saw signs of dark tetrad behavior in my parents. That it was them, not me. Doesn't do me much good now though, does it? The damage is done. Would have been nice if one of them had told me that then. Might have saved me from some of this nightmarish trauma. But I was left to cope alone, and thinking I was some kind of horned, two-headed monster. What kind of terrible kid am I that even my parents don't love me? That has led me to the darkest of dark places. 

And all that comes roaring out in my dreams. It will be hard to explain unless you've experienced the twisted, malignant abuse of a dark person. They don't deal direct or cleanly. They ambush, backstab, set you up, give you false hope, lie, future fake, twist, deceive, sucker punch, blindside, dissemble, pit other people against you and trip you up. Gaslighting thy name is dark tetrad parent. 

I'm crying just recalling some of the many times this happened. My stomach feels sick as it so often did. I'd forgotten how often. So many times which I'd thought were buried but which my dreams wont' let remain covered. I'm overwhelmed with fear but I don't know what of. I'm shaking with anxiety and looking for someone to kowtow to to make it better. I'm confused and unable to think clearly because their attacks come out of nowhere. When I actually thought things were okay. Then BLAM! BIFF! SOCKO! 

In my dream last night, a lot of confusing things were happening like they always are. My arrogant, narcissistic AF brother (whom my dad has always let get away with murder) was taking over a medical facility to hold a prayer meeting. I told him to take it elsewhere as the staff needed to care for patients (very unusual for me, I never confronted any of them as it wasn't safe). My dad, who had been turning a blind eye as he always did, swooped in out of nowhere and began screaming at me for saying something to his precious son. 

I couldn't make sense of what he was saying and he was frothing he was so mad at me. I had never said any of the things he was accusing me of.  It was all vindictive lies and smear campaigning. I began to go into fawn and placate mode, crying and apologizing. And that just incensed him more. And it was about that time that I began to wake and with it came some awarenesses. 

This is exactly what my all my four parents did on a regular basis. The sneak attacks and setups were real. Are real. I have been viciously screamed at or toxically and passive-aggressively vented on so many times. I've been frog-marched to the wall, pushed up against it and fired on. Without warning. And every damn fucking time, I'm not prepared and take the full on blunt force trauma smack dab in the gut. 

Only in this dream I did another unusual thing for me. I yelled back. I defended myself. I told him to leave me alone. I called out his lies. Then he began doing even weirder things. He tried to suck up to me and schmooze me into feeling sorry for him. While still haranguing me about how awful what I did was. It's so weird but then it was weird. At one point he was laying across my legs and causing me great back pain. I told him to move (normally I just let him do whatever he wanted).

I think this is a metaphor for all the times he made me do backbreaking things without caring how much it was hurting me. He and his wife made me do pretty much all their heavy housework and using methods they never would. I had to mop floors on my hands and knees and use an ancient heavy vacuum. I had to iron mountains of clothing. The doctor said I shouldn't be doing much lifting but still they heaped chores on me. It was so bad that I started early onset arthritis in my 20s. If they were doing these things, they'd have taken the easy way or not done it. 

So while I might have had an epiphany or two in my dream, the sick feelings of shame, dread and self-disgust were just as potent. Maybe moreso even. And I realized they were memories, not dreams. I used to think the sick feelings were from things I'd actually done. Now I think they were from my father's palpable, larger than life rage. He was so viciously angry that it seemed to have a life of its own. 

Same with my mom's husband. The way they would scream at me is mind-numbing. My mom and stepmother were just quietly seething passive-aggressively angry. The atmosphere was heavy with it like a thundercloud. And it took nothing at all for them to storm up and rain. Which never cleared it away. And I was in the path at ground zero. 

I think that is what has always made me so sick with shame about all the abuse. I must be a pretty evil, vile person to have made them so angry. But I knew in the pit of my gut that I had. But how? How could I cause so much anger in people at so young an age. How, please will someone for the love of God tell me, how people who called themselves parents could be so furious with me. Not just annoyed, royally white-hot enraged. And so much disgust. What could I possibly have done? 

I recall my dad's wife pouting, clearly mad and quietly whispering to him things that seemed to be about me. He would round on me and shame me for upsetting her. I recall so clearly this weird voice he'd used to tell me dramatically that "mummy is very disappointed in you." Disappointed hell, she was pissed off like she always was. Or he'd fake soothe her by wondering aloud that "maybe Mary could help?" Oh for fuck's sake,  Jack. At least do Mary the courtesy of asking her directly not playing your damn hinting game. Or better yet, tell your bitch-ass wife to grow the fuck up, stop being so damn pouty and lazy and do her job. 

Right out of the "how to guilt others into doing your work for you and humiliate then in the process" playbook. And I fell for it every damn time. It makes me sick to think how I'd beg cry to be told what I could do to fix it. And they would sigh melodramatically, they supposed I could do (insert task) but they were still mad at me. When I think of all the free labor they got out of me with that gaffe and still maintaining their condescending moral superiority, I could scream. 

I never asked what it was I actually did that so upset them and no one ever said. My mom and her  husband did, in no uncertain terms, but most of them were lies and fabrications. Or things they should not have placed on me in the first place. And this scenario plays out nightly in my dreams. 

And still I believe I must have done something wrong. Why else would they be so angry and upset with me? I don't recall ever being sassy, disobedient, pouty, rebellious. But they said I was. I recall myself being VERY biddable. I can't think of anything that would make me so seething mad. Maybe quick mad, yell then hug and apologize. But that would have been over something that they did to hurt themselves or others. 

So nope, no explanation fits except that they wanted to be angry with me because they disliked me. Or they didn't use self-control and needed a scapegoat. But nothing answers why they did. Don't parents basically love and enjoy their kids? Don't they want what's best and even  occasionally sacrifice for them. Don't they mostly think the best of their children? I did. But I guess that was too much to expect of my parents. 

 

If I need proof of dark tetrad parent abuse, I look at my CPTSD nightmares

 Hello my friends. One aspect of CPTSD from dark tetrad parent abuse that I've not talked much about are the nightmares. Since I started really examining these dreams, I'm seeing them as memories of abuse, neglect, exploitation, abandonment, endangerment, invalidation, shaming, gaslighting, parentification, scapegoating. I'm also understanding that the anxiety, shame, fear, guilt and exhaustion I've felt all my life is being played out in those dreams. If I needed proof that I was abused, I've only to look at my nightmares. You just can't make this stuff up. 

Here's how. Note I uses dreams and nightmares interchangeably but you need to know that, call them what you will, they're always awful and upsetting. 

It's hard to describe them because they are insanely chaotic. I'm in uncomfortable, dangerous, unsanitary, unfamiliar places and complicated situations that are always changing. I'm always responsible for many  children that I don't know or know what I'm supposed to be doing with them. I just know there are a lot of expectations, many more than one person could handle. 

Agewise, I'm in an adult body, usually, but I'm being ordered around and scolded like a child. Or like I was as a child. Not how I treat children. Everyone is heaping tasks on me. There are mountains of dirty laundry, dishes, cooking and housework to do. The more I do the more there are like in Rumpelstiltskin. I have to get people places, put children to bed, feed them, bathe them, keep them safe. All by myself. 

So that part is bad enough. But the adults are the worst part They're bossy, bullying and demanding. They're always doing some big theatrical, self-aggrandized thing that doesn't amount to a hill of beans. They're bragging and showing off, but leaving me to do all the real work to me. They're annoyed with me for failing to do it all but not lifting a finger to help.

And the interesting part is how I'm responding. I'm working my tail off to do all that's put before me. I'm apologizing for being in the way, as I struggle to do all these tasks. I'm apologizing for asking questions about the children's care because I'm "interrupting" the adults to whom the children belong. They yell and snap at me for things I'm supposedly failing. But they don't assist or explain what I'm supposed to be doing. 

Some variation of this happens every single night in my dreams. Multiple times a night. Sometimes nights are just one long dream sequence. I wake up more tired than when I went to bed. I dread going to sleep for the nightmares. This has been going on as long as I can remember. 

All that's crazy but what's really disturbing are my feelings throughout it all. I think they are the biggest indicators that all the crap my parents put me through, happened. And how it damaged me very deeply. I'm not making it up or exaggerating.  

Now you might think that all this endless work would make me angry, bitter, rebellious, resentful. But in my dream I never am. I'm just anxious to please. And they are always pissed off with me. I feel stupid, in the way, inept, like I'm just one big nuisance. I literally feel sick with how much of a loser I am compared to them. And I always go into shame mode and work harder. I never just stop and say, nope, no more. 

In some dreams, the entire family, plus people I'm not related to, like my dad's wife's family, are all grouped around me like some kind of tribunal that I've been called to stand trial in front of. They ambush me by inviting me to an innocent thing and then all take turns attacking me. I'm crying because I feel so guilty and sorry for whatever they say I've done. But I never can remember anything I actually did. 

Except, sometimes, and this is the really whacked-out part, I have dream memories of doing things that I have never done in real life. Those dream memories are so real that I believe all my life I did those things. One I think I may have shared was a memory of continually waking my dad up and him being angry. 

But when I really look back, I know that never  happened. My dad was always so easy to upset and I walked on eggshells always. I also felt so guilty (because he rubbed it in my face) how HE had to work nights and how I'd better jump through hoops with gratitude for that. Now, interestingly, no one ever worried about how much homework I had when they issued their commands. I did all their housework and co-slept with their children, getting up night with them, since I was 12. No one worried about waking me up and I was dealing with trauma nightmares even then. 

When I was 11, my mom's unemployed boyfriend, who lived with us, would rage if he was awakened. He would sleep on the couch and blare the TV till 4 am. I slept upstairs with their four foster children ages 6 mo to 4. I was so shell shocked by all the loud, raucous noises that I would walk and talk, even cry in my sleep. I would check the kids and wander around confused. He and my mom would laugh at me. Or she would pout and dump on me about how he never came to bed (they had an apartment in the basement). Dad's wife did the same as I slept with her babies. 

Now maybe you can see where a lot of my nightmares come from. Would you believe it's taken me 59 years to figure that out? I'm not having much success getting them under control but I'm praying about it and I assume maybe I'm supposed to be learning something from them. 

One thing I'm seeing is that I've been made to play the parent and adult role all my life. And I've been treated like an annoying nuisance. I would be given lists of adult chores to do and then told to be seen and not heard like a naughty kid. It was exactly like it is in my dreams: the shaming, the grandiose attitudes of the adults, their dismissive scoffing at me, their endless demands, all of it. 

I think my young mind couldn't process the amount of responsibility I was forced to take on. I think that's why I'm burdened in my dreams with impossible tasks. I was forever terrified at failing in some way. They set me up putting too much on me, including things they wouldn't and couldn't do.  I think the child trapped inside me, who never had a childhood, is constantly seeking not only approval but also a way to do all that's expected of her. her missing youth. 

I think she is beginning to see that she never won the approval because they always move the target to keep her hopping. And maybe, she's seeing that she doesn't care anymore. Their approval was never worth having anyway, if it had to be earned in such demanding, demeaning ways. And every so often, in my dreams, she talks back. The other night, I was dreaming that they were actually the ones waking me up. And I realized this was how it really was. And in my dream, I was the one, not my dad, to stomp downstairs and demand what the hell they were thinking waking me up?? For once, it was they who jumped and looked guilty. 

So nightmares are exhausting in more ways that one. I'm grateful for what I'm learning but ready to be done with them now.