CPTSD lands me in miserable situations I've no idea how I got into

Hello my friends. In this new year, I'm looking at all things CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder), that I got from a lifetime of narcissistic parental abuse, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, scapegoating, enmeshment, invalidation, shaming and blaming, parentification and gaslighting by four narc parents. Today I'm looking at how CPTSD lands me in weird and miserable situations I have no idea how I got into. 

CPTSD for me, manifests as chronic shame and guilt and self-abasement, obsessive people pleasing and fawning and having zero boundaries. This was caused by decades of being forced to serve, humor, wait on, kowtow to my two histrionic narcissistic parents, their new partners and their new children. I never think about what I need only what others want and how I'm supposed to provide that or fix whatever they expect me to fix. 

I honed these behaviors to placate chronic rage, passive-aggressive demands, bizarre inappropriate expectations. But to add insult injury, it never worked and it just got worse. Everyone was still mad at me and even more demanding. The more I groveled the more they abused, shamed and gaslit me.  I didn't know then, the concept of unfillable black holes and that they were unpleasable. Or that it wasn't my job in the first place. But wish I had. 

It would have saved me some sanity if I could have just left them for good and never looked back. As it was I got kicked out of the house anyway. Better to jump than be pushed. But I was so brain damaged that I thought I deserved all this and more for being such a disappointment to them. I believed I had to stick around to help them and let them abuse me. I kept my hands in the fire because protecting myself was verboten. 

This was a very dysfunctional way to live and I was deformed because of it. But it was the only way to survive I thought. So I brought these dysfunctional coping skills with me into adulthood like a deformed leg. I am always anticipating others needs, smoothing ruffled feathers, prostituting myself to their demands. I read expectation where there is none and make their problems mine and mine alone. I catch their feelings, well the bad ones anyway, like a cold. I have to protective layer, no boundaries, no identity, no ability to detach. 

And boy howdy does that make me a target for takers, narcissists and exploiters. I find myself smack dab in the center of weird and scary situations that I had no hand in the making. I step in quicksand because I was taught to ignore warning signs. I did nothing, said nothing and yet I'm in the hot seat. If you could see some of them, you'd be scratching your head and saying WTH?? How did that happen? 

Well, it's both simple and complicated. The short answer is, like I said, predators can smell me a mile away. They know I'm easy to manipulate and guilt. They know they can dump any of their crap on me and I'll absorb, internalize, take responsibility for it and do my utmost to fix it. Which people with built in boundaries know is ridiculous. I could no more fix someone else's problems than I could swim to the moon. But that's what was expected of me. 

The complicated answer is harder to explain, especially to myself. And into my 7th decade now, it's so ingrained that I don't even realize it. I just know I'm miserable with guilt, bewilderment and shame. I'm hurting all over like I've been beaten. I dream that I've done terrible things. There's an impending doom over my hanging over my head and I can't think why. 

I look back and I can't see anything I've done wrong. Or anything that would warrant this pain. I look around and see evidence of good things I've done, shoveled the snow, make cookies with the grandkids, Most everyone seems to like me. I don't think I'm in denial but I must be, mustn't I? Why else this torment? 

 But I did have an Aha moment yesterday that may start to get me out of this forest of pain. I read something about how others' emotions stick to me. I pick up on them and because I have no barrier, I just assume they're mine. 

Anger is a big one. I'm completely vulnerable to others' rage attacks. I take it all personally, especially when they are clearly making it personal. Which, let me just segue here, is what most rage is, attacking and bullying. Even and especially the passive-aggressive kind. If they weren't blaming and targeting, they'd keep it to themselves or find a way to express it that didn't involve others. The lack of respect is palpable. 

I have a chronically angry, peeved, rageful husband. But more baffling is the fact that he doesn't display it in usual ways. He presents as nice and sweet guy which I think he actually is. But then it comes out of the blue. Intermittent explosive disorder is I believe the term. Then this nice guy turns into a vicious, vindicative, bullying monster unrecognizable from his other self. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. 

When he is angry or peeved, everything he said before is changed. Every promise broken. He blames everyone, mostly me. He goes to confession and admits his acts then completely contradicts himself, making excuses, justifying, defending and expecting others to just know how they've offended him. He becomes a ruthless bullying tyrant. He makes things up, twists things and attacks me. And then when he's tired of being angry, he reverts to Dr. Jekyll and is can't figure out why we're upset, confused or hurt. 

It's utterly baffling. And I have no idea how I got into it or how to get out of it. All I know is I'm sick to my stomach, and feeling guilt but I have no fucking idea what I did wrong. And it feels soooo exactly like I did when I was young.  

I think it has something to do with taking on his emotions as my own. I'm not sure. I'll have to think about  this. 

Ways I'm managing CPTSD triggers when others are dysregulating

 I have severe CPTSD from years of parental narcissistic abuse and my husband has some too. Only we manifest it differently. He struggles with fight response while I'm the fawner. His dysregulation meltdowns and intermittent explosive disorder triggers my people pleaser reaction, fear of abandonment and trauma responses. I'm not sure if I trigger him. He says I don't. But he does come unglued fairly regularly and that's really a challenge to live with. And it all splashes down on me, so it looks and feels  like I've set him off, because I'm used to taking responsibility for others' problems. And if he's not mad at me, he gives a pretty good impression of being so. It's made worse by his toxic night shift schedule. 

So we've been a couple of hot messes for all our marriage. In our defense, neither of us realized just how bad my CPTSD was. And he didn't know what he was dealing with either. And truthfully, I've not just been triggered. It has been weaponized against me. When you live with someone for nearly 40 years, you can't keep saying you didn't know you were doing it and didn't mean to. You know. You just chose not to find a different way to deal with your rage. Which frankly would freak anyone out, CPTSD or not. You chose to lash out at me and not check yourself. You know you need to take better care of yourself but you just keep doing what you've always done and expected different results. Which puts a ton of pressure on me, to which I cave. And my falling so easily into whipping girl mode makes it worse. Now there's no motivation to change because he has a convenient scapegoat. But I'm learning some new ways of dealing with it. 

1) Realizing and reiterating to myself that it DOESN'T put any pressure on me. Someone else's meltdowns are NOT my job to fix. Which he would say when he's in his right mind. He's actually the first person in my inner circle NOT to say it's not my job to fix. But by continuing the tantrums and saying things that are blaming, yeah, that's a hard mixed message, double whammy, mind screw for sure. Which brings me to tip 2. 

2) I have to decide for myself what's my responsibility and what's others. I have to stop letting them call the shots, especially when they're in active dysregulation.  I can choose which emotions to claim and which to reject. People pleaser empaths like me "catch" others'  anger, sadness, etc. like colds. We confuse their feelings with ours because our boundaries were damaged and we were enmeshed with toxic narcissistic abusers. So when someone's behavior is veering toward self-centered lashing out, when they're triggering memories of bullying and acting like bullies themselves, I have to get out of their path. I have to decide where mine ends and thine begins. And where their taking and my giving stops. Which brings to me 3. 

3) Learn who I owe what to. I couldn't as a kid. I owed parents everything and they owed me nothing they said. I as Marilisa, didn't exist. I was owned and chained to the bullies with false narratives of "family" and my "duties" to them. But I can now. I have no duty to allow myself to be hurt by anyone. I don't owe anyone anything, least of all being their punching bag. I DO owe myself care. I never did owe my parents anything but they lied and said I did. They said God said it was my role. It Which is one reason I struggle so much with people pleasing, lack of identity and poor self esteem. It wasn't and he didn't. So on that note...

4) I don't have to panic, freeze, fawn or fix anymore. It's not my issue to fix even if they say it is. I make the rules for myself. I couldn't even if I wanted to. It's a black hole that I can and have poured myself into and it just made things worse. That's how I know it's not what God wants or expects of me. And with that said, 

5) I please God by caring for myself. This helps me stay focused when all around me is chaos. But how I care for myself doesn't look like what I was told it did. It looks like what that still, small voice has been telling me, to watch out for red warning flags, to trust God and not my kneejerk fawn response. And I achieve this by...

6) Not jumping to fix. Putting texts on read and ignoring calls. Greyrocking. Asking friends for help. Praying, Distracting myself. Doing something else. Leaving the situation. Refusing to have conversations when someone's in meltdown. Essentially I...

6) Let go. Practice radical acceptance of what is. Quit doggedly chasing my tail. I always felt such urgency, like it all had to be fixed now. I feel so much guilt and expectation. So I'd bend and twist and grovel and even fight and keep trying. Which is really a form of people pleasing. When someone goes into a dysregulation spiral, they only stop when they're ready. When they get tired of raging and decide to calm down. Or when something interrupts the downward spin. I can't force a stop no matter how hard I try. Because

7) They're basically in toddler tantrum mode. A good friend just used this analogy and it's is absolutely spot on. And being good mom, I know how to deal with it. I don't. I make sure they're safe and let them scream it out. When they're exhausted they'll either fall asleep or come back contrite and in need of a hug. You just make sure they're safe and carry on with your life. 

But they're adults, you might say. Isn't that patronizing? Eh, maybe but have you got a better idea? They may be chronologically 61 but at that moment, they're emotionally 3. And when you coddle, humor, "help", tippy-toe around them, fawn, grovel, let them hurt you, smile and come back for more, forgive when they're not sorry,  ask if they  need anything and how you can help, that's patronizing too. These are adults. They do know better. And are very likely to exploit and take advantage of you when they are stuck there. And it feels really pathetic and humiliating to you and maybe even to them. Is it easy? Not really but it's easier than the alternative. 

Oh and one thing I forgot to add. Unlike the toddler who should receive unconditional love when done with their tantrum, the adult is at your discretion. You can accept the hug and apology if it feels genuine, if you want. You don't have to. You can keep them on "read" till you're ready to. I wouldn't offer the hug first. Let them come to you. Then you still get to decide when you're ready to accept it. 

They don't get to bullet spray and then act like nothing happened. The only one who gets to act like it's fine, IF she wants to, is you. But it does have to be dealt with at some point. You can't expect yourself to hold abuse like that inside. You're a person, not a sponge. 

If you get a glib or sarcastic "sorry" no, they're not. That's a shitty excuse for a sincere apology. And they're not ready to be the grownup and acknowledge what they did wrong.  These are grown ass adults who need to grow up more. They may at some point but you'll only know that when they take full responsibility and humbly waits till you're ready to hear them.  It's not even about apology. Those are just words, as easy to say as bad ones they just used. True remorse acknowledges what they did and outlines of what will be done differently. If this isn't forthcoming, they are future faking and you'll need to decide how much more of this you want to handle. Because it'll happen again just like it probably has happened before.  

But if there's any hint nonsense about it being your job to "forgive and forget" or "time for you to let it go" or "we need to make peace." They're not even in the sorry ballpark. They're blaming you for their behavior. They're gaslighting you into feeling responsible. But temper tantrums like I'm speaking of are not group efforts. The victims don't bring it on themselves. 

Even if the victim reacts. Hell, who wouldn't when being treated like that? That's self-preservation mode activated. And take it from someone who learned that self-preservation was selfish, a bad reaction is better than none at all. That's what you do when you've rolled over and died. I would say to grey rock if possible, just because that will feel better to you. Detach and stay calm and do all we talked about earlier. 

But under no circumstances accept that you are to blame for their behavior.  That was my dad's stock in trade. He'd tell me I was too sensitive when he beat or screamed at me on me for no reason. He'd say I made him do it or brought it on myself. No apology. Just "go wash your face" after I'd cried my eyes out in shame. Nah, bro she didn't provoke you. You are a mean, nasty, out-of-control, narcissistic, maniac nutter, control freak bully who picks on kids half his size. And this little girl ain't goin' back there EVER. Eff that noise. 

How divorced narcissistic parents who remarry gaslight their kid with stepparents

Hi friends. I'm working on healing CPTSD from abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, enmeshment, scapegoating, invalidation, shaming, parentification and gaslighting by four narcissistic parents. Yes, four. Two bio and their two new partners. Having divorced parents was very unusual in the time and places I grew up in. Having a mother and father who were dating was super odd and earned me some ostracizing. 

And don't get me started on how strange it was when my mother moved her boyfriend into our home. In middle class suburban Michigan, that was  verboten and immoral even by people of no religious affiliation. Then them getting married and  having new families added a new levels of weird to my life. So today I'm exploring how divorced narcissistic parents who remarry gaslight their kids with stepparents. 

I've been looking back through the years of my life and find that my memory is patchy and confusing. The memories I can recall are predominantly frightening. My experiences were very out of sync with other kids. They were characterized by strange, chaotic, dangerous, unstable, self-serving, out-of-control behaviors on the part of parents and their new partners who were allowed to do as they wished with me.

Reading up on legalities regarding "stepparents" they're aren't responsible to the child for financial care BUT they also have no authority over the child. That rests only with the biological parents unless they cede control AND the step parent adopts the child. Well that was all kinds of messed up in my life. No one wanted to cede control of me because I came with money and benefits attached. And because I fulfilled so many roles in their lives: confidant, surrogate spouse and parent, servant, scapegoat, target. But none of them took care of me, financially or otherwise. They all acted like step parents with no responsibilities to me and parents with complete power over me. 

All four felt entitled to order me around. My bio parents encouraged their new partners to step right up and boss me around. And they each had their own expectations that contradicted each other. It was exhausting, confusing and miserable. I had to be four different girls with flip-flopping rules that changed without warning. They didn't co-parent, they did their own thing with me. Then blamed me when the others' expectations contradicted. They never collaborated and just let the others do what they wanted when I was with them. They turned blind eyes to horrific things. It's so confusing I can hardly explain to myself, let alone you. 

They didn't know what they others did because they never asked and didn't care. They ignored sexual assault, bringing a teen boy into the house then shaming me when he molested me, moving me out of my bedroom and into the kids' bedroom so my unmarried uncle and his girlfriend could have my bedroom, couples shacking up in our home, working my ass off to do my stepmother's work, being deprived of medical care, the list goes on.  

And I never told because that would be disloyal, they said. And I was afraid of the consequences. And no one cared anyway. My biological parents left me completely at others' mercy. It was as if I ceased to exist for them when I wasn't there and available to serve them. And when I was, I was there as a servant, not their child. They couldn't have made it plainer that they didn't care if they'd shouted it from the rooftops. I have been so unutterably alone most of my life. It was so scary that I had to blank it out and just fake it or it would have blown my mind to smithereens.  

And then no none took responsibility for me either. Food, clothing, medical care, housing, bedroom were catch as catch can. I had to get a job at 15, to provide basics for myself. And not because we were poor. I was the only one deprived of these things. Everyone else had plenty, including luxuries. My child support was used to fund my mom's unemployed husband's pipe dreams. Which he then ran into bankruptcy and kicked me out. She was still collecting child support which paid for their stuff, and I wasn't even living there. And I was living with an elderly lady and struggling with no food beyond the free school lunch.

My dad lavished gifts on himself, his wife and their kids. And would lock me in the baby's bedroom at night so he and his wife weren't troubled by their children. I was what is now called hidden homeless a lot of times. And a free live-in nanny. There was never enough to eat for me but plenty for others. I had to ask to get something from the cupboard. And had to work like an unpaid employee in their adult foster care home, feeding, cleaning up after and waiting on the residents. I couldn't have outside activities or get a job because I had to so many chores. I had no place to do homework let alone time to. 

And the gaslighting was off the charts. My dad would call my stepmother "your mummy" when I was supposed to do something for her or when I'd supposedly upset her. She was only 14 years older than me and a very immature 14 years at that. She never acted motherly, only bossy, arrogant, lazy and pouty. My own mother was no better. She was a very childish covert narcissist but she was my mom. I felt so guilty to her when my dad would pull that. I still get triggered hearing his voice in my head. 

Then when I lived with my mom, she accused me of being jealous of her and her new husband. I have no idea why because I rarely ever questioned let alone complained. It was like she was a mean girl in high school flaunting her new boyfriend. He was a nightmare from the beginning. They would exclude me from activities, make out in front of me and put me in charge of her four special needs foster care kids so they could sleep together in the basement. 

She'd gaslight me saying that we had to obey him now because he was her husband and head of the house. And that was when they were just living together. And he wasn't my dad let alone my husband or even hers. But I was her daughter before he was her husband. And I was STILL her daughter. She had a scriptural responsibility to me,  not him.  And God doesn't stutter when it comes to adultery. But somehow she made me believe it was all fine and dandy. It wasn't really adultery because his wife was a bad person. She used that one a lot to justify multiple instances of infidelity. She justified abortion that way too thought she preached against it all for others. 

He'd scream at me, call me names, sexually harass and bully me. He never worked and just laid around the house...OUR house, not his. He who was crude, bullying, violent, nasty-minded and foul-mouthed, would call ME a spoiled kid and bad kid and terrible daughter.  He had me believing I was. Though they were using me and my resources to pay for their lifestyle. 

My  mother would ostentatiously pray and read her Bible and preach about the wages of my sin when  THEY WERE THE ONES SHACKING UP, stealing, scamming, lying and exploiting others.  They somehow convinced me that I'm both immoral and wicked but also self-righteous for calling out their sin. Guilty consciences, I guess. But narcissists will cut their own tongues out before admitting to any wrong. And I have been unable to shake to idea that I'm some kind of slutty hypocrite??  It just boggles me. 

From the moment my parents met their new spouses , they changed. They were never what you'd call caring or loving parents. But they didn't hate me, I don't think. I know I got in the way of their grandiose plans. But they didn't let that stop them and just left me behind or let me wander alone or dumped me on others. And none of their big ideas materialized anyway. I know that at least she blamed me for that. Probably he did too. 

But then things really went south. When they met their new people, and now had you-know -what buddies, they were invincible. God was approving their crazy. The narc supply was so high that I'm surprised it didn't explode. Now I was just an awkward reminder that they had other responsibilities they were ignored. Now they despised but also exploited me. They mocked, backstabbed, scapegoated, bullied, lied about, put me in harm's way and confused the hell into me. They tied a millstone of shame and fear, around my neck. They gave their new people authority over me, which they did not earn, deserve or use well. 

Each was responsible in various ways, of endangering, abusing, neglecting, exploiting, parentifying, scapegoating and hurting me. I was responsible to them for constant obedience very harsh and inappropriate demands, instant compliance to whims, yet they weren't responsible to me for for basic care. They considered themselves my superiors and supervisors, not caregivers. 

It was all royally buggered. They expected me to serve them and yet felt to obligation to me. Even my own parents! I was expected to serve them and nothing was expected of them, regarding me.  They seemed to think that by getting married again it somehow absolved them of responsibility to me. Like they divorced me instead of each other and that they could just revise the story to delete me and move on with their new families as if I'd never existed. Except for when they needed me around as scapegoat, surrogate and servant. The hypocrisy is insane. It's like driving a car on black ice. You never know which way it's going and which end is up. 

The confusion alone makes me crazy to say nothing of the pain and suffering.  I want to scream, in retrospect, Just fukkin pick a side and land already!! You can't have it both ways!! If I'm such a burden, adopt me out. If you want to get on with your new families sans me, fine. My grandparents would have had me. But you don't to stay on the show and keep the lovely parting gifts too. You can't have me just when it suits you. Don't give me that daughter, parent and family bullshit. Those are all relative (pun intended) to you according to your whims at the time. 

And yanno what? Having said that, I'M going to pick the side and land. And I choose no contact. I'm evicting y'all and your gaslighting from living rent-free in my head. As hard as it is to accept that I was just unloved chattel, it's harder to keep living in the misery of this fake, delusional narrative of yours.  Bye, now. Don't let the door hit you in the a$$ on the way out.  

What I learned about healing CPTSD by playing Legos with my grandsons

 Hello my friends. Day two of 2025 finds me having an Aha moment about healing my CPTSD. I experienced abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, enmeshment, invalidation, shaming, triangulation, parentification, family mobbing, scapegoating and gaslighting about it all. I was bounced to and fro by four narcissistic "parents" (two bio and their new partners who were given carte blanche to use and abuse me as they saw fit by my own parents). I never told anyone about this and no one ever helped me deal with it. I just started dealing with it last year when I began to consider that childhood trauma and abuse was behind my constant pain, fear, shame and suicidally low self esteem. So as we approach Epiphany, here's an epiphany I had few days ago about what healing from CPTSD will require. 

It came from an unexpected source, my grandson as we were playing Legos. The significance just occurred to me. Well scripture says a child shall lead us. And as it's my inner kid I'm trying to heal, it fits perfectly. So here's what happened. Our oldest twins were building Lego sets they received for Christmas. Both were running into some issues cuz some of those pieces are so tiny and the kits have to be done perfectly for it to work out. 

Silas found a workaround for his. But Moses had missed one step and we were unable continue till we sorted out what that was. We tried a few times to reassemble parts of it but finally had to take entire thing apart to find the one that was bunging things up. My mechanic husband has had this experience with car repairs too, having to dig deep to find the source of the problem and then root it out completely and rebuild. 

So, my epiphany. Like Silas, I've looked for workarounds. I've developed an arsenal of coping skills to deal with the problems caused by the trauma. Some healthier and more functional than others. But my defaults (fawn, freeze, self harm. rolling over and letting others harm me) don't work real well. Like Moses's kit, the problem is deeper and more systemic. So I have to what we did and take the entire thing apart and start over. 

I was taught a very dysfunctional, debilitating, hypocritical, double standards operating system. My life was constant chaos, moving  multiple times a year. I would be given something and then it was taken away, without explanation. Promises were broken. I learned that pleasing others no matter how selfish their demands or how hurtful it was to me, was my only purpose. I didn't exist as a separate self. I was just a surrogate parent, surrogate spouse, servant and scapegoat to my parents, their partner and new kids. My needs were scorned. I was ignored, left out and deprived. 

Then when they needed me, I had to jump to serve. I was not allowed a life outside their little cults. I had to earn what most kids were given as members of the family. I was supporting myself, essentially at 16. They had plenty of hack to indulge themselves and their new families. Harsh rules were made for me but not them. They were unstable and lived immoral lives. Hurtful people were forced on me. I was in a lot of danger from a young age. They were mad at me all the time and found a lot of fault despite me basically being the designated adult. They gaslit me that this was God's will for me. 

There was so much that was wrong and broken in my upbringing that it's hard to find any good. So I think it would be safest to assume there was none. And you might say, that's a wicked thing to say. They're your parents. Surely they did some good. Well, to begin with only two of my authority figures had any authority over me. I was TOLD that they did and made to obey them. They were very cruel. My parents stood by and let them. And were harsh and unkind to me themselves.

I mean, think about it, what good can come out of structure with a flawed foundation? If the damn thing's cracked, the whole thing is unsafe. And how is it good to allow others to constantly hurt me and never stand up for myself. Seems to me being okay with hurt and then shaming and hating myself for not being good enough is pretty dangerous. So dangerous that in my case, suicide seemed the best alternative. 

So like with the little Lego truck with one missing piece, I have to dismantle my entire belief system, about myself, my relationships, what I expect of myself and what my responsibilities are to others. I have to sort out what went wrong. I have to reframe their false, self-serving narrative regarding myself. The Bible speaks of weed-strewn fields as only being fit for the fire. It's only after I've slashed and burned the entire mess they planted in my head that I can reseed in fresh clean ground. 

That's going to take a LOT of uprooting because those bad seeds are like hogweed. They grow rampant, have strong, deep roots and are so toxic that destruction is the only solution. I have to give up all illusions that I was loved, nurtured, not exploited, had a caring family or even a family at all. I can't afford to cherish or preserve anything because the associations are so contaminated. 

I was able to do things, for the most part, differently for my kids than were done for me. I loved them  more than life itself. I hope that by radically accepting that the past is never going to be any different than it was and by detaching me from it and them from me, I can do things differently for me now. Little me, teen me, young adult me, are all still enigma. I'm not sure how to help them. But at least I can start to undo the harm by loving them and treating them with the care and love they deserved. 

Rules didn't apply to scapegoat kids of narcissistic parents and they still don't

 Hi all. I'm hoping you have the best year ever, this 2025. I think for me, it's going to be another rough ride because I've still got a lot of unpacking and sorting of past issues to do. And not just over and done past. Don't I wish! Issues that happened back then but affect me now and which are creating new issues. And present problems that make old ones more difficult to successfully conclude. And which add extra tension of their own which thanks to all of the above, I've not got the resources to cope with. And all my old coping skills are compounding that. So it seems to me that I need to find or devise some new ones, and not just to cope with but also get out of situations that are overwhelming and find healthier ones. 

So of course if you've read my past posts, you know my backstory of childhood trauma and lifelong stress, shame and anxiety from four narcissistic, chaotic, demanding and abusive parents. I was not cared for but made to care for all of them and their families. Abnormal and heavy adult burdens were placed on me and I was harshly criticized for not meeting the unreasonable demands. I was exploited by enmeshed parents who saw me only as a tool for them. My parents didn't follow rules but made up overly strict ones for me. I thought all this was normal, if very unpleasant and hurtful. Turns out, after to talking to other kids, my experiences were pretty unusual. 

What I took into adulthood were very broken ideas about myself and my role in relationships. I let others exploit and abuse me as I had been abused. I did for others and what they should do for themselves. I didn't just help, I enabled and carried others. And was too hard on myself. I expected too little of them and too much of me. My entire identity was non-existent. There was no me, just them. My reality was flip-flopped to the point of living in a parallel universe. My normal was abnormal and vice versa. 

I saw that others' worlds were different but had no idea why that was. I assumed and was told, that it was because I was wrong, bad, flawed and constant disappointment to others. That I was just getting what I deserved. So I kept giving and they kept taking. And then that wasn't enough so I gave up everything and then just gave up. 

Am I saying I was perfect? Yeah, pretty much. But for the wrong reasons. I never disappointed because I was scared to. I didn't complain or talk back because I was taught that this was unspeakably wicked (and not just stuff normal kids did). And if I had complained no one would listen anyway. They'd just tell me I was too sensitive, showing off or bad. If I'd have had a normal-er childhood, I'm sure I'd have been more occasionally disobedient like other kids. And that would have been safer and healthier for me. It's exhausting and debilitating having being the "model" child, always on pointe and terrified to be anything else.  

And especially when the parents still treat you like a wayward brat no matter how hard you try to be perfect. That's another broken thing about over-demanding, hypercritical parents. You never actually learn right from wrong. You just learn to dodge bullets. You learn that your only job is to keep them happy and fix what they break. If you're good or bad, it's the same result. You can never please but you don't realize that's because they expect too much. You just feel a downward spiraling sense of shame, failure. You feel worth less and less every day. Ironically, you don't give up (but you should). You just keep trying harder and harder and they keep demanding more and moving the goalposts. 

Because when your get too good and being good, they have to change it up. Why would they do that? Why wouldn't they just be thankful you're a good kid?  Well if you ask that then you're a good parent. Good parents are pleased when their children do their best. Even if the children don't succeed, good parents applaud the effort. Good parents expect their children to err occasionally because they are kids. Good parents qualify children's behavior as mistakes. They look for good in their kids and find it.  Bad parents twist good behavior into bad, normal things into mistakes and errors into major offenses. They set their children up to fail and then exploit it when they do. And why would they do that?

Because it fits their spun narrative that the child is the cause of their problems. They do it to defect attention from their selfish, bad behavior. They do it to keep your focus on your failures and not theirs. And to keep you ever-striving to please them. If they don't mix it up, your compliance will show them up. They won't have anything to browbeat you with. In some cases, they actually rewrite rules that contradict themselves. And definitely contradict God.

I was a very biddable kid. I was groomed to turn a blind eye to all my dad's crazy actions and even approve my mother's very immoral behavior that was in direct contradiction from the Bible she preached from. And it was proportional. The more I overlooked and accepted, the more they gaslit me into believing I disobedient. She had me believing I'd said things that were so awful things that she had to slap me though I can't recall saying anything let alone something that would merit that. My dad would rage at me about things I have no memory of doing.  I have very distorted "memories" that I may never be able to put right. 

If this resonates with you, hopefully, one day, the scales fall away from your eyes as mine did. And you will begin to see more clearly. It isn't you that's damaged. It's them and they damaged you. You aren't the failure. You've been I failed. I wasn't flawed, my home life, what my parents modeled for me, was. And if I was disappointing, it was because parents put inappropriate expectations on me. 

I was never going to please them because it's in their own selfish interest to keep me striving. They keep changing the rules because I was too good. You only change something that's not working. And because I worked so hard to obedient, clearly that wasn't the end goal. I have to conclude that at least some or maybe all of these things I'd supposedly done or said were lies told to keep me in constant confusion, fear and hypervigilance. I believe they manipulated situations, lied, gaslit, created chaos, deprived and cut me short on necessities to wear me down. To keep me exhausted, reality blind, nervous, overcautious, ready to jump on command, shell shocked, battered, barmy, broken, muddled and befuddled.  In a word, CPTSD. 

Because oh how you can manipulate a kid who's been driven to rock bottom, convinced it's her fault and desperate to please.