Hey friends. I've been writing a lot about abuse, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, exploitation, enmeshment, scapegoating, parentification and gaslighting I experienced from four narcissistic parents. When I began telling my story, I got a lot of advice, solicited and unsolicited, about how to deal with it. While some was helpful, a lot was not. Some was downright hurtful, counter-intuitive, gaslighting in itself and just generally stupid.
For example, being told to just grow up. Be the adult. Or variations on that theme. The theory, I guess, is that because I'm chronologically an adult now, I should "act like one" and magically be able to put it behind me. As if! Childhood trauma isn't like a dress you outgrow. Would you tell a little girl who was born without an arm to just grow one? I was not raised to think for myself and always made to anticipate and fulfill others' wants, no matter how selfish or hurtful to me they were. Growing up was frowned on because it meant I would not be available to them anymore. So how am I meant to do that now?
I was both parentified (made to parent parents and their kids as a child) and infantilized (treated younger than I was). And not in a good, protective way. In a shaming way. I was not allowed to be a child when I was one and had to be grown up for the actual grownups. They expected me think like an adult while they acted like spoiled brats. Then shamed me even though I managed to adult pretty well, considering I wasn't. They expected me to parent their kids and do things for them that they should have been doing. They didn't care for their kids but got angry when I did and did it better than them. I'll just let the crazy in that settle in.
But then they also they also infantilized and treated me like a nuisance disobedient child. They made me work like an adult, including doing things that should have been their responsibility. Then scolded me like a wayward kid. When I was 20, going to school and working, I was locked in the baby's room and getting up with him at night. Yet when I joined in conversations, they ignored me or told me not to "butt in."
They made decisions for me which I was perfectly capable of and should have been making. Then gave me no help with things they should have, like teaching me to drive or letting me practice with the car. I was working and buying my own clothes because my dad "couldn't afford to." I wasn't even living with him. Yet he felt entitled to forbid my piercing my ears. And then turned a blind eye when my mom's husband kicked me out to fend for myself when I was 16.
They patronized, ordered me around, scolded and yelled at me when I was a fully grown adult. One time, they yelled at me for correcting my brother--who was a student in my class! I was a professional, fully qualified teacher! My brother had lied and said I singled him out. My step mother went ballistic, never questioning his version of events. Then my dad jumped in, immediately taking his part against me. I actually spoke up, for once, and told them what had really happened. Then my dad, embarrassed, yelled at my brother. But no apology to me.
When I told the principal, she called them in and had a talk with them about teaching their son to respect his teacher. And they got mad at me for "involving others" in a family matter. When they were the ones taking it to my workplace. I wish I'd have asked my stepmother if she'd have confronted her teacher friend in this way? Or my dad if he'd like me to come to his workplace and humiliate him??
But then, none of my parents ever took my part and always believed anyone who said anything bad about me, no matter how untrue. Especially if it was their partners or kids. They expected and I think hoped I would fail. They taught me to believe they had to treat me like a child because I was so childish. My every mistake was blown up into a world crisis while they all could do no wrong. My dad so habitually targeted me that he'd sometimes scream my name when the dog did something wrong. And common kid behavior? Forget that. It was absolutely verboten to be. All while while doing their adulting and parenting them, mind.
For a kid who wasn't allowed to be a kid and was expected to perform like an adult so the adults could act like big babies, I didn't do half bad. I see that now. Then I just saw them angry and blaming me. I assumed I was letting them down even though I had no idea how. Narcissistic parents excel at ambiguity, faking, distortion, deception, reaction formation, projection, vague hints, veiled threats, hints, double speak, bait and switch, double standards, passive-aggressive digs and shell gaming. All the good ole' head games.
Truth, for them, is relative. Rules are plastic. Promises are for breaking. They play Dodge 'Ems with reality. They give out opinions as facts. They dispense unsolicited advice which they do not follow. They believe that their every whim is divinely inspired no matter how hellishly it hurts others. they expect to be obeyed like a deity but they disobey him right and left.
They live in self-serving paradox. They dwell in self-pity but show no mercy towards others. They brow beat but won't bend. They enjoy calling others out but can't stand the slightest breath of disapproval. They fault find, nit pick, and attack others and are oblivious to their own reproachable behavior. They backstab, gossip, belittle, mock and humiliate others and play victim. They accuse others of things they didn't do and won't admit to bad things they did do.
It's exhausting. And while it may seem like I've strayed from the point, I haven't. All this brings me full circle to why I can't just "outgrow" it. I wish I could! I have grown up but misshapen and wrong. I'm the crooked tree that can't never grow straight because my roots were damaged. You might as well tell my cat to turn himself into a zebra. And the last thing I need is more expectation to "be an adult." I've never been allowed to be anything but grown up.
I've done for others all my life. But not enough for myself. I learned to be satisfied with too little. I've been bread crumbed by people who should have provided meals. I'm tired sleep deprivation and being crammed into uncomfortable places. I'm scared from being terrorized. I'm always expecting to be abandoned, so I placate. I'm confused by being bullshitted and gaslit.
What I need is to be a child again. To be told that I'm okay and even good most of the time. To be cherished not ignored, treasured not scapegoated, championed not shamed, loved not exploited. I need less expectation and more support and nurturing. To be encouraged not beaten down. I need a warm bed and hot meals. I need hugs and love. I need to be laughed with not at. All the things I have always given, I now need in return.
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