Hello my loved ones, as I've come to think of you who follow this blog. I'm learning a great deal about what I thought my family of origin was and what it really is. I've come to understand that what I was gaslit to believe were loving normal experiences were in fact just what it felt like-continual abuse, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, parentification, triangulation, exploitation, invalidation, shaming and scapegoating. Today I'm exploring this notion of a child's natural resilience against hurt and how narcissistic parents exploit it for their own selfish ends.
We talk a lot, too much I believe, about how kids are resilient. I actually hate it that we do because it's so open to exploitation. Something bad happens to a kid and some adult glibly trots out "oh, well, she'll be fine. Kids are tough." As if that makes us impervious to pain. The bad thing is usually something that would traumatize an adult or was inflicted by an adult. But it's all okay because of this shiny suit of armor the kid supposedly has.
I'm sure you can hear the dismissing, invalidation and gaslighting in this. It's the same nonsensical BS they use to minimize all your pain and suffering. "You're making it up. You just looking for attention. You're too sensitive. Don't take it so personally. It's not that bad. Power through. Walk it off (I despise that one especially)" And coming from narcissistic parents and their new partners, who redefined oversensitive, were walking self-pity parties and who dumped every little thing me, is pretty rich.
It's easy for YOU to say it's nothing. It didn't happen to you. You caused it! And how about you practice what you preach? You can't put up with the smallest inconvenience without blaming me and expecting me to fix it, let alone the constant abuse you subject me to. YOU try walking it off. As the wife says in the Sixth Sense, "abused children deal with things that would make most adults piss themselves."
This notion that I'm so "resilient" is a handy excuse to gloss over terrible behavior. It goes along the same stupid lines as whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Uh, no. It leaves scars that disfigure and disable. And it's very convenient for gaslighting a kid into minimizing her own experiences. And teaching her to ignore red flags and let others shat all over her boundaries.
And it's flat out lies. Kids are as yet immature and vulnerable. They require care and nurture. That's why the adults who made them are called parents. Children learn by example. Sure they develop coping skills (fawn, freeze, fix, fight, flight). But it's not how they should develop. These are not healthy skills and don't serve very well in the real world. At best, they are stop gaps to deal with toxic parent behavior. Some of us got so good at it that no one noticed how hurt we were. But it was all a mirage. We were exhausted, burnt out, damaged and running on fumes.
And boy howdy, do narcissistic parents take advantage of that! They use and abuse us, expect us to dance like a performing bear. They pooh-pooh, shame and use it against us. They push us to the edge and then mock us for falling over. It's a cruel, endlessly looping lose-lose circus shitshow.
So yes. I am resilient in that I have thick scar tissue. I can take a licking and keep begging for more. But I also have damaged leprotic nerve endings that can no longer protect me from pain. I have a weakened auto-immune system that makes me susceptible to every passing threat. I'm beaten down. And that's all thanks to abuse and neglect of basic care, parent endangerment and abandonment, exploitation and parentification by those who were supposed to care for me, and shaming and gaslighting about it all.
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