Hi friends. Tomorrow is the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe, mother of the Americas and of us all. I can't think of a better day to contrast the difference between how loving parents and narcissistic parents treat their kids. Now you might say, well aren't all parents somewhat selfish and you'd be right. The difference is M.O. (modus operandi), frequency of selfish behaviors, intent and targeting of certain children and not others. This is only part one of the story.
Narcissistic abuse of scapegoat children is pattern. It's how they do things most of the time. Loving altruistic behavior is abnormal for them. Loving parents have the reverse ratio. I share this from six decades of narcissistic parental abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, bullying, backstabbing, shaming, scapegoating, invalidation and gaslighting about it all, by four narcissistic parents.
1) Good deeds. The child does something loving and no matter how imperfect, the loving parent is proud of, grateful to the child. She's made to feel good about it. But conversely, no matter how well it's done, the narcissistic parent will find a way to diminish it. She'll find fault, insult, mock, twist motives, feel sorry for herself (?!), shame, act annoyed, downplay etc. She will give her golden child credit for what the scapegoat actually did.
Case: My dad and I surprised my mom a necklace for her birthday when I was four. We wrapped it in pretty paper, put it on the bed and led her blindfolded into the room. Her response: where's the rest of my gifts? I began crying thinking I'd failed her (that began a lifelong pattern) and she got mad because we didn't laugh at her "joke."
Case: I usually made dinner for the family when my stepmom was at work. She didn't cook and we rarely ate dinner unless I or my dad made something. I went a little bigger this one time and her sons told her how much fun we'd had. She got mad and said I'd deprived her boys by not having their supper ready till 6 pm. I felt so guilty for that. Despite even my dad, for once defending me, snapping "why can't you ever say anything nice to Mary?" Why not, Jack? Maybe you should ask yourself that. Then he spoiled it by telling me not to be so sensitive.
I probably don't have to tell you how a loving parent handles these things. But I will. And far be it from me to give myself much credit for anything but I am a loving parent. I treasure any gift my kids give me no matter (maybe because of) how homemade it is. And they know it. I make a big deal out of the good, kind things they do. I'm not jealous, I'm proud of them.
2) Gift-giving, special occasions. Narcissistic parents make a huge, out-of-proportion deal out of their own and their golden children's birthdays. They expect the scapegoat's attendance, armed with gifts, no matter how busy she is with her own life and family (their grandchildren). They want it all, big gifts and small, many and expensive. You can't give enough. Contrarily, they go cheap or not at all with gifts to the scapegoat. They make no bones about it, and actually want you to know that you are excluded. They say they "can't remember" your birthday but you damn well better remember theirs. They bullshit you with nonsense like "I don't do big gifts for Christmas" yet expect you to lavish on them and theirs. They cry poverty, yet expect the scapegoat to cough up, no matter how skint she is.
Case: I was given gifts that were actually for my siblings. A race car set at 14 which doubled as free babysitting. I was expected, in college, which I was paying for entirely myself, no help from any of my four parents, to give and give big to them. I was living on about $20 a week and basically didn't eat. Homemade was sneered at. When my children came along, my grown ass brothers still expected presents despite them never giving me or mine a thing or even remembering our birthdays.
One year, things were really tight for us. We'd just moved into a house that needed a lot of work. I had just lost a baby and my husband had started a new job making less but closer. suggested to my mom that we not buy gifts for each other. We were shopping for Christmas dinner which I was paying for like I always did. She readily agreed with her not giving. Then proceeded to fill up my cart with goodies for "her family" which she promised to pay me back for. She never did. Then she wanted me to buy her a sexy nightie.
Loving parents give to all their kids, the things they know their children want and need. they do their best. They DON'T EXCLUDE. They give, not expect. Holidays and birthdays are about others, not themselves. We've had hard candy Christmases with most items bought second-hand. My one son said those were his favorite memories.
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