Hi friends. Today in Advent the Catholic Church prays the O antiphon (titles for Jesus) Key of David. This metaphor for unlocking and releasing captives is a good one for those of us suffering with CPTSD. Throughout our lives, we've been slaves and scapegoats of narcissistic parents. So I'm thinking about keys to healing from abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, scapegoating, shaming, invalidation, parentification and gaslighting. Today, let's explore key to free us from toxic parent and family systems that have enslaved us.
Number one is to learn red from green. For the first 59 years of my life, I was color blind. I was just an extension of my self-absorbed, immature parents and their new spouses and families. I was taught that self-care was selfish and that responding to caution signs was being too sensitive. Not modeled mind you. Anyone with experience of narcissists knows they take very good care of themselves. At others' expense. They are the most over-sensitive, easily offended folks on the planet. They take up all the oxygen in the room. They are giant needy, demanding black holes who live parasitically off from others.
They drain your resources and leave you exhausted, depleted and deprived. You're barely able to function on autopilot, let alone mindfully making healthy choices. And coupled with the constant shaming and gaslighting, I was a burned out, vulnerable mess. And add to that the nightly CPTSD nightmares which left me too tired to keep my eyes open, let alone deal with red flags, especially those about their dangerous behavior and the unsafe people and situations they exposed me to.
I was gaslit to believe that God didn't protect me or want me to protect myself, but rather just serve them no matter what the cost to me. Exploited, manipulated, remoted controlled, pirated and enmeshed were all I knew. I had no real identity of my own. Scapegoat, servant, surrogate spouse, surrogate parent were my middle names.
Consequently, I got all the traffic signals wrong because everything was bass ackwards in my life. Up was down, wrong was right and good was bad. I yielded when I should have gone, plowed through red lights, barricades and thin ice warnings. I went the wrong way up one-way streets and merged when I should have exited. I ran headlong into terrifying situations, with incredibly toxic behaviored people because I didn't know better. And have I got the scratches and dents to prove it.
I thought God expected me battered, bruised and barmy. But come to find out, He doesn't. He wants me well and whole. He's the one sending the red flags and He wants to me to stop for them and wait on Him to find out when it's safe to proceed. This is revolutionary, brand-new thinking for me. I have to learn new response and ways of doing things to keep my little self safe.
But first, I have to learn to know red from green. And I think that to do that, I have to do pretty much the opposite of what I was taught. If my old response is to run it, my new response should probably be to stop. If I was taught to stop doing something (thinking for myself, having needs and feelings) or yield to someone (to not protect myself from them), maybe that's actually a green light I should go on?
If something is a one-way street (me doing all the work, giving good and taking of crap) maybe that's a street I should avoid. If my kneejerk response is to merge into a freeway of unhealthy demands, expectations and hurtful behaviors, perhaps I should exit instead. If I'm so tired from the constant pressure of entitled demanding people, I might pull off the side of the road and nap. And find ways to sleep better. And if the roads are too dangerous, and the other drivers too crazy, I could go home, put on comfy jammies and have some cocoa instead.
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