Hi friends. In my quest to heal CPTSD from narcissistic parental abuse, I went looking for resources on caring for aging and elderly narcissistic parents. I didn't find much so I figured maybe I needed to start a discussion around that. I've been struggling with feelings of shame and anxiety after going low contact with the remaining two of my parents. And I want to explore that and share why I've chosen the route I have which is essentially not to care for them at all. I also want to delve into why most all rules don't apply to kids raised by narcissists.
I was raised by four, two biological and their new partners and experienced a lifetime of shaming, abuse, neglect, scapegoating, deprivation, exploitation, endangerment, abandonment, enmeshment, parentification and gaslighting about it all from all four of them. They were hypocritically religious, setting themselves up as God and apart from rules. They were constantly misquoting scripture to shame and blame me. And then led very immoral self-absorbed lives.
They put all kinds of inappropriate expectations on me, including covert incest, letting their new partners routinely abuse me and using me as a sex therapist. .I was made to care for them and their children and shamed for caring for myself. They forced dangerous people on me and abandoned me in unsafe situations. I was kicked out of the house at 16 and made to feel so ashamed that I never told anyone. I developed no boundaries or sense of self, separate from them. Their demands knew no bounds.
So now that that the two that are left are in their 80s, what now? They have a few health issues, nothing major. But how much of that is my responsibility? I'm going out on a limb here and suggesting that maybe none is. I know, God says and people expect that kids will take care of parents when they are older. But here's where the rules may not apply to me.
I have been taking care of them all their lives. I did things for them that they should have been doing for me. I basically supported myself financially since I was 16. As they squandered their money. And mine. Savings bonds were stolen. I was charged rent. My child support was used for their families and I was made to sleep on unheated porches and in the babies' room. My few possessions often disappeared. And my mom parked a new motorcycle in the yard for her boyfriend. She stole my car and made me pay full price for lemon they pawned on me. I've given them money I didn't have.
Now they say they can't afford to care for themselves. So, hint, hint, I should. I've helped a lot and probably could help more but only because I've been prudent with my finances. I've done without and was done out of, a lot. And so, after a lifetime of lack (bed, bedroom, medical care, sanitary products, food, a home, boots, winter coat) as they took good care of themselves, I don't think that would be good for me. Or a good use of my money. It would be throwing good money after bad.
And there has been zero reciprocity. After putting myself through college, and in our early marriage, we were skint for a long time and no one offered to help us. Often I could barely afford necessities for my kids. And "family" didn't lift a finger.
And things came up missing when they were over. They always have their hands out. They don't just want to borrow money, they expect to. And they don't pay it back. Although I had to pay back every dime with interest that I was gaslit into thinking was a gift. I once felt sorry for them because they couldn't afford to go to a funeral. So I gave them money and then they didn't go. And were put out when I asked for it back. All while I was counting change for a gallon of milk. So they can afford things. They would just prefer others to pay for it.
And as for needing care now that they're old, she's been playing that card all my life. Actually all her life to, so relatives tell me. My Alanon sponsor from 26 years ago, who is only a few years younger than mom, remembers being shocked at how much I did for her and how gaslit I was about what she needed. She has had to set me straight on how my mother has "played me" with her malingering, self-pity and manipulative demands.
And also, about all these mysterious ailments, she supposedly has. She's so deaf no hearing aid helps. Except when she forgets she can't hear. Or when she wants something. She dumps very personal sexual issues and details about her privates on everyone. She wears expensive adult diapers not because she needs to but because she "doesn't feel like walking to the toilet." She wears nightgowns in public to appear feeble. She can't walk and has to be basically carried, when anyone is watching and then runs up the buffet when you take her out to lunch.
My mother has been leaning on people for all kinds of weird things and blown through a lot of relationships because of it. She controls every situation but also expects everyone to hold her hand and be her eyes, ears and brain. She holds the purses strings but then claims she''ll just "walk out into traffic" if someone does pull her back. I once tried not telling her stop at the stop sign (something her family, as she calls them are obliged to do). She looked around to see if I was taking note, started out into traffic and stopped because she saw I wasn't going to play along. She "can't hear" when the doctor calls her name so those with her must be vigilant for her. You make her dinner and she complains because you "let her eat onions" even though she knew full well which dishes had them.
She tells people she doesn't get enough to eat but the fridge is full. She tells the doctor she wasn't given breakfast (because it's someone's responsibility?) when I know she ate. She's been using a scooter for years though there's nothing wrong with her. Walking just makes her "dizzy." She'd prefer a wheelchair which of course someone must push.
She passes gas loudly and on purpose. She yells in church. She makes cringy and rude comments about people. She gets stared at a lot. And claims that people are mistreating her. She complains and frets endlessly. She once threw a pie in my face at her company picnic. And ate all the cheese samples at the store. She "can't remember" hurtful things she did but recalls in vivid clarity anything that was done to her. A fair number of which are made up.
And yet she's very dismissive of others' genuine issues. When I had shoulder surgery, she pooh-poohed it and said my sister said I was lucky it wasn't hip replacement (neither of them has had shoulder or hip surgery). When I was sick with Covid pre-vax, she completely ignored it but had to tell me about her "excruciating" hang nail. As I was fighting for my life.
Are her symptoms real or not? I don't know. Maybe she has dementia now, maybe not. She certainly works hard to make you think she does. But these strange behaviors didn't just start recently. It's been going on for decades. The extended family says she's always been "needy" and "difficult."
I used to believe her illnesses were always much worse than anyone else's. And I felt sorry for her. According to her, every doctor "doesn't care", lies, is only in it for the money, lets her down etc. I used to believe it was all their fault for failing her and that she was the medical miracle that defies treatment. I saw her, firsthand, triangulate my stepfather into threatening to physically assault ER staff and almost getting himself arrested. Yet I was so gaslit I just assume it was him showing concern.
Now I don't know. She's cried wolf so many times and has symptoms so conveniently that it's hard to know what to believe. And her symptoms are so strangely...big and just strange. And hard to prove. I wonder if any ever were real. She has been caught in many lies and exaggerations. I think now that it's probably malingering or Munchausen's and that she feigns illness to get out of work or to get attention. Or to guilt you into waiting on her. Or to excuse toxic behavior with diminished responsibility. Or just to make you feel awkward.
I wonder too that when she hops doctors it's because my mom and her husband are trying to orchestrate a lawsuit of malpractice. The doctor catches on that she's malingering, exhibiting Munchausen's or inventing. But the doctors can't say for sure. They try all sorts of things and nothing works, apparently. Which convinces my mom that she's a marvel of science and that doctors are "inept." You know the type. Doesn't know the first thing about medicine yet faults everything the qualified physician does. And if the doctor can't say differentiate fact from fictitious, how can I know?
What I do know is that it's exhausting and miserable. And embarrassing. You can never just be yourself. You have to be audience, entourage and supporting cast. You have to hover, anticipate, defend, encourage, humor, ignore her bad behavior, sympathize, be mad when she's mad, be lectured when she's on her high horse. Think for her when she won't and still let her call the shots. Be ashamed and grovel when she lies and blames your for something she did. Just to go on a fucking walk around the block.
So as I can't diagnose, I'll err on the side of protecting myself and assume most of it is fake. Or at least not something I have to or even can fix. Been there, failed at that. And have the scars to prove it. It seems to me that disabled or not, the last thing she needs is more enabling, privileged status and catering to. I'm a special needs teacher by trade. And we give kids the least restrictive environment possible. We help them do as much as they can for themselves. This is what's best for senior adults too.
We all need to do for ourselves what we can do. Too much reliance on others isn't healthy. Depending on them to do for us what we can and should do for ourselves is a road to perdition. It sets up unhealthy expectations and attitudes of entitlement. It's enmesh-y. The cared for one takes too much and the carer gives too much. The carer has no boundaries. They lose their identity. They sacrifice wants and needs and the cared for just takes it as her due. I speak from decades of carer experience.
All my parents put many dangerous and unhealthy demands on me, which have caused me a lot of health problems. They subjected me to all kinds of unsafe situations and people. And now I have constant nightmares. I had a twisted spine that went untreated and now several vertebrae are fused. I didn't get follow-up care on congenital hip dysplasia and have struggled with early onset arthritis for over two decades. I lived in constant stress and anxiety and have brain damage as a result.
So I was not cared for and was made sick, yet I get no help or support and I'm supposed keep caring for her because she's old? Well, you can't have it both ways. If you didn't want to follow the rules (God's rules, btw) and care for me when I was a kid, you don't get to expect that I follow all the rules and care for you now. What goes around comes around.
Is that being vindictive? Nope. It's just logical consequences. They're very transactional but don't hold up their end of the bargain. When I do for them it's just 'what family does." When they do for me, they expect repayment. So I don't want anything from them but I also don't want to be taken advantage of.
I won't see any inheritance if there is any and I don't want it. I haven't taken anything from them in 44 years. But I also don't want to pay for things they should be paying for themselves. Or not buying if they're claiming poverty. I'm the best judge of how to use my money and I don't trust them with mine. They don't need it, they just want it.
I'm also the best judge of what they need and don't need from me in terms of care. They routinely confuse want with need. If she had her way, I'd be waiting on her as if she was paralyzed. And even if she does need something doesn't mean I have to provide it. Or that I even can. Because, speaking of needing things, how does it feel? It sucked when you deprived me. And then exploited and took advantage of me. I feel used up. Everything hurts all the time. I'm physically unable to care for anyone and have enough trouble caring for myself. But I have to manage. That's life.
And I don't want to spend the rest of mine dancing attendance on able-bodied adult babies. It was awful when I was young and gets worse as they get older. The aging narcissist is the most ungrateful, petulant and frigging irritating person ever, to deal with. As I enter my senior years, I just don't have the fabulous to anymore. My well of giving was drained dry and I have nothing left. And I just don't care.
If all this sounds unChristian and selfish of me, so be it. I've finally realized that I don't owe anyone anything anymore. Actually, I never did. I just had to keep paying to keep the peace. Or so they told me. It never worked and they just expected more. Which is why I have to stop now. If that makes me a bad person, at least I'm a healthier one now. And if my detachment approach is wrong,. I'll take it up with God. The letting of people who didn't do their jobs with me, dictate what is my job, stops here.
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