Hello friends. I've been unlearning a lot, lately, about what I thought I knew about my parents and family. What I thought was normal and loving was actually them abusing, neglecting, abandoning, endangering, exploiting, parentifying, scapegoating, shaming, invalidating, triangulating and gaslighting me. In a lifetime of bizarre experiences with my parents, one experience in particular really brought this home to me. Here's what I learned when my mother threw a pie in my face.
I've discussed the pie in the face before, as one of many disturbing things she's done over the years. Here's what happened. She invited myself and my children to her company picnic. As part of the activities, she wanted them to have a pie eating contest. No one wanted to, it not being in keeping with the tone of the event, but she prevailed. Day of, still, no one wanted to participate, including me. It was just she and her other daughter. She begged me to let my kids do it and I finally gave in.
As they were about to start, she grabbed a pie and nailed me, laughing hysterically. My sister shoved my kids faces in their pies. No one else was laughing except my stepfather who loves jokes at others' expense. Everyone was shocked. I was mortified, furious and worried for my kids. The event ended abruptly and we had to ride home with them because they'd taken us. She was pouting that her co-workers were mad, annoyed with me and facetiously "apologizing" (you know, the sarcastic "well, I'm sooo sorry" which really means sorry you can't take a joke) but also sniggering at us. Stepfather (who was routinely ugly with my mom) angrily yelled at me for upsetting her (?!?!) I ended up apologizing.
25 years later she brought it up to "apologize." And this is where I really learned some things about her. What I saw was that it was still all always about her. She didn't apologize to make me feel better, but herself. She didn't ask and we didn't talk about, how it made me feel. Or the kids. Instead, we talked about why she did it. And you may be wondering how she could defend such behavior. Well, my mother can and make you feel guilty in the process. I actually fed her some of the excuses.
She was nervous, embarrassed and felt she didn't fit in. Yada, yada (poor me, poor me) She felt I was criticizing her for wanting to have a pie eating contest. Even though no one else was on board or participated either. Including her husband who didn't want to make a fool of himself. Facts I didn't mention because one must never bring up reality or make mother feel bad. One must just know that one has let her down, again, and feel ashamed.
I'm pretty sure she was only apologizing now because she and husband were getting divorced and he was nailing her with her past misdeeds. Which of course, he had a big hand in, but I digress. If she was sorry, she'd have said so at the time. It doesn't take you 25 years to realize something like that is wrong.
So what did I learn from this? I know, I've written about this before but I just realized some new things and one is that it isn't about her. It's about me. It has always been about me and that my version is the real one. It wasn't a joke because we weren't all laughing. It was a malicious, cruel prank. She wanted me to feel humiliated. The pier was basically her screaming at the top of her lungs, "I'm jealous of you! I feel insecure around you!! I hate you!! I want to cut you down to size!! You ruined my life and I've been going out of my way to ruin yours. The pie is just the exclamation point on that!"
And I also realized that it doesn't matter why she did it. It may have then, but I couldn't care less, now. Because again, it isn't about her. It's finally about me. I've been spending my life helping, fixing, covering for, explaining away, defending, rationalizing, parenting, her. I've been a bit actor in her melodrama of a life, a supporting character to her leading lady. Albeit with a very large, critical role. And president of her fan club. And I'm sick of it all. I quit. Exit, stage left.
What I needed as a child, were nurturing, guidance, uplifting and care, from parents but had to give it to them instead. What I got was shame and hurt, exploitation and abuse. I see that she has been throwing pies in my face all my life. Shame on her. It shouldn't have happened that way, but it did. I know that and now it's time to get out of her sights. I couldn't then, but I can now.
I gave better and I deserve better. I gave and deserve love and affection and support and respect. If it's only a one-way street, I'm driving another route. I don't owe anyone anything, least of all not to be used as a punching bag. I have, not only the right, but responsibility to protect myself.
I don't want my life to be just surviving the horrible abuse they put me through. I want to thrive. I don't want to be the motley fool in their court. I want to be me, to write my own story. Yes, the abuse is part of but not all of it. Maybe in a way, I'm glad for the pie in the face. It was a wakeup call I needed. If people use and abuse you, no matter and maybe because of, who they are, it's time to move on. If they won't move I need to. And I won't let the door hit me in the butt on the way out.
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