Hi friends. I've been remembering a lot about the terrible shame, fear and pain caused by narcissistic parental abuse. Two very weird things about narcissistic parents is that they are jealous of and in competition with their scapegoat child. They do not rejoice when the child succeeds unless they can somehow wedge themselves into the limelight. They bask in reflected glory that they didn't earn. But baring that, and always with malignant narcissistic parents, they enjoy seeing their children humiliated and uncomfortable. They go out of their way to punish the child for innocently outshining them.
This sounds pretty harsh but if you've lived with narcissistic parents, you're nodding your head. Unless you, like me, struggle to admit that it happened and how insidious it is. (Rose, you're right that word is absolutely spot on). So let me enlighten us on how narcissistic parents compete with instead of care for us and how by gaslighting us, they keep us from realizing it.
My mother was a nice looking woman. Not as nice-looking as she fancied herself, however. She wore fashion boots, mini-mini skirts and a bikini in the early 70s when this was considered inappropriate in our social environment. None of my friends' moms dressed this way. She went out of her way to make sure she was the hottest thing in the room, and attracted the most attention. Even if it meant being very provocative and even seductive. She once dressed as a hooker (her words) for a church costume party and had me help with her costume. I'm pretty sure I was the only 8-year-old who knew was a hooker was.
I was your average kid. A little awkward, pudgy and squinty-eyed. (That was because no one bothered to have my eyes checked until they were so bad that I could hardly see. She had several pairs of glasses.) when we were in Alaska I wore rag bag clothing. But as I got older and started to care, she did buy clothing but only what she dictated. Instead of finding clothes to flatter my body shape, she got me childish clothing that accentuated my chubbiness and made me look silly. I felt foolish.
She would send me into the fitting room with clothes that were too small. I would cry because they made me look and feel fat. Then she'd shout across the store to ask if they were too tight and did I need the 13 chubby instead. I started very young purposely wearing mismatched clothing and refusing to wear the weird stuff. She would slap my face for being sassy. So I wore the weird stuff. My dad was nowhere to be found and didn't care.
I also had beautiful chestnut colored long hair when I was 7. Grandma and grandpa and mom had a photo shoot done of me and the photographer loved arranging my hair. Immediately after that she had it cut all off and done in a pixie which made me look even more ridiculous. The stylist warned against it and my grandparents were heartbroken. She said that I wanted it cut for swimming. I believed that all these years though I have no memory of wanting it cut, only of hating it when it was.
Also, she said the doctor said I was way overweight. At 9 or 10, I was put on a 1,000 calorie a day diet. No health source approves this for weight loss and I have to think didn't then either. I was hungry all the time. I cried a lot. She would weight me daily and get annoyed if I failed to lose weight. I think now that on some level she liked seeing me ashamed of my weight. I did end up losing weight after finally getting my tonsils out. But only because I didn't eat for three weeks and no one noticed. I'd had chronic tonsilitis and been on penicillin for over a year.
At the time, I just felt like a fat, idiotic loser. I started biting myself then rubbing out the teeth marks so no one would see. I only began to feel better after I lost weight and my hair grew out. And she began getting me cuter clothing. But then the neighbor kid started molesting me and nothing was done about that. I went into a grunge phase. And she met her new boyfriend and all the money went to him. I was back to the missionary barrel for clothing. I've been at war with my looks ever since.
So how does this imply jealousy and competitiveness? Parents do sometimes struggle to help their children find clothing that make them comfortable. The difference is subtle, but it's there. Two of my friends' parents were older and while they might not have always agreed with their kids' fashion choices, it wasn't such a big deal. Also they wore the same type of clothing that other kids wore. My grandparents also bought me clothing that was in style so age couldn't be blamed.
It seemed that my mother cared when other people were there to see and possibly criticize her choices. Also, making choices for me when I should have been allowed to make my own, showed a too much control, especially when the clothing she chose was neither age appropriate nor in style. Which was a big contrast to her ultra fashionable, some would say risqué, dress. There seemed to be an agenda to keep me looking and feeling as silly as possible so that she could look even "hotter" by comparison.
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