Hi friends. I've been walking back through my growing years and finding that a lot of what I thought was true about me and my "parents" (they loved me, were always right), was not. Also how what I thought was family (divorced parents, their new spouses, new kids) wasn't. Basically, everything I believed, turned out to be a lie, a false reality planted in my head by decades of gaslighting from four abusive, neglectful, invalidating, endangering, manipulative adults who called themselves parents.
Today I want to look at one form of narcissistic abuse, specifically humiliation. This is like shaming and invalidation only more flamboyant and obvious. I'll share cringy ways abusive narcissist parents humiliate their kids.
1) What is narcissistic humiliation? So you might argue that all parents, at some point embarrass their kids. And I would agree, that yes, accidentally we do. But the difference with narcissistic parent humiliation is that it is purposeful, strategic and targeted. It's not accidental and they go out of their way to do it. A classic example with me was my mother throwing a pie in my face at her company picnic where my children and I were guests.
2) Who do narc parents humiliate? Another thing about humiliation is that it's reserved, generally for one child, the scapegoat. Which in my case, being the "red-headed stepchild" the unwanted kid getting in the way of my parents shiny new lives, was me. In order to get the point across that I was an unwelcome nuisance (as if I needed proof), they would openly and publicly shame and mock me.
3) Examples of parental narcissistic abuse. When I was 6, my never around dad told me to quit being stupid when I was playing dress up with some clothes in a missionary barrel. Over the years, he'd call me ridiculous, a show off, too sensitive, an embarrassment to the (his new) family. When I was 13, my father beat me in front of everyone. He screamed at me at a family Christmas party. His wife loudly announced that I had a run in my nylons at a public gathering. My mom would shout into the fitting room asking if I needed a larger size pants. My mother's boyfriend made fun of my small breasts and my mother jeered with him. She not only threw a pie in my face, she and her daughter pushed my kids faces in pies. These are the folks who shame their kid on social media and laugh if they wet their pants instead of getting them clean underwear.
4) How is this narcissistic humiliation? Well, anytime anyone goes out of their way to embarrass someone, it's for selfish ends. Healthy caring people feel sorry when someone is embarrassed. We go out of our way to protect and comfort. Especially with children whose awkward behavior is just part of growing up and not their fault. Narcissists humiliate. They point out things that most people would overlook or ignore (like the run in my nylons). They orchestrate situations designed to humiliate their target. With them, humiliation is an action verb.
5) Why do narcissistic parents humiliate their kids? Because they get off on shaming them. Normal people like seeing their kids feel good. Narc parents love it when they feel awful. They like attention for good things they've done but they LOVE attention for bad things, that comes at someone's expense. You find yourself saying "who does that??" a lot with a narcissist. And yes, it's pathetic and sick. And really cringy.
6) How do other people not see how weird it is? Oh they do. The narcissist makes sure they do. Making people uncomfortable is the payoff. Seeing others shocked, horrified faces just makes the narc's heart sing. It wouldn't be fun if no one was watching. But it's all based on delusion.
7) How in the hell would anyone get off on hurting others? You don't and I don't. But ever heard of sadists? Narc parents who humiliate their kids are sadistic. And what drives it? A need to feel powerful. And cool.
8) How do narcissists see themselves? Larger than life, above it all, omnipotent, omniscient. In a word, god. Anything they do is just grand, no matter how stupid or awkward. Their image of themselves is distorted like a carnival funhouse mirror. And soo deluded. Because where the real God is love, they are cold, empty, bottomless pits. Emotional zombies who feed off others.
9) How do others see the narcissist? This is where the delusion comes in. Other people do not see them as cool and superhuman, but rather ridiculous, ludicrous caricatures. Cartoonish, clownish and fake.
10) What is the core of parental humiliation? Beneath the power trip and weird high they get from humiliating their kids, is shame. But being self-centered and self-deluded, they believe other's are causing it. They identify the child as that cause. So they direct all energy at hiding their shame and trying to make the kid look bad. Which only splashes back on them, lather rinse repeat.
11) Why does no one say anything and allow the child to be humiliated by these circus freaks?? That's the 64,000 question to which, if I had the answer, I could have saved myself a lifetime of pain. Maybe they're too polite. Or lazy. Or afraid of getting involved. Or under the narc's spell. Narcissists are awful when crossed. Narcissist parents are terrifying nightmares. Woe to anyone who doesn't join their cult and worship at their altar. And maybe it's hard to know how to help the child and silence seems the safest policy. I don't know.
What I do know is the being at their mercy was devastating. Because no one stepped in or called out my narcissist parents' abuse, I figured it was okay. I deserved it or was making it up. Which is a contradiction but one I had to accept to cope with the pain. Someone should have said something.
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