Hello friends. Recently I explored how the narcissist trains her flying monkeys to counterattack her victim. Today I'm looking at gaslighting ways flying monkeys defend narcissistic parental abuse. Beware of these shaming-blaming things they say. These insidiously toxic statements can really trip you up if you're trying to heal from abuse, as I am.
"He IS your father (she IS your mother.)" This usually given as reason for meeting some expectation you're supposedly failing to meet. Yep, they're my parents, brilliant observation, Sherlock. However, as such, I should expect care, nurturing, support from them, which I have not received. They see me as their child (emphasis on the possessive pronoun) only for what they can get FROM me, not what they are supposed to GIVE to me.
"She IS your stepmom, he IS your stepfather, you should (insert expectation). This is the previous crazy on steroids. No, they are my parents' new spouses. They are nothing to me and certainly not parents. I have two of those, thanks anyway, and they're more than enough work to please. I owe the spouses nothing, not even respect until they earn it. Which they didn't. I was here first. They owe me respect.
A further note on this one. In my case, the flying monkeys didn't even believe in divorce and remarriage. Yet they gaslit me into thinking I somehow owed these new people, who did not respect or care for me, respect and care. Also my parents were the flying monkeys of their new spouses. And also their shiny new "golden kids" as they aged. Which is ludicrous because none of them knew nor cared anything about me. So where do they come off with all this expectation? Answer: a bunch of convoluted nonsense which I will proceed to debunk.
"Your mom/dad really love you. They just don't know how to show it." REALLY? and you know this how? Because they're doing a damn good job of proving they don't. And they know perfectly well how to love their other kids and to scapegoat, exploit and withhold from me. Be off with your toxic positivity.
"You won't let your mother/father love you. You drive them away" Oh for fuck's sake, yes, five year old me wouldn't let them play with or take care of me. I wanted to be abandoned, endangered and neglected. I didn't need to drive them away. They drove as fast and as far from responsibility as they could. Can you be anymore bullshitty??
"It's your fault if they don't love/care for you." Wow. You really can be more bullshitty. I have and continue to give them all the love and care they deprived me of. They expected me to parent them, their new spouses and kids. And I did. I did their work. I supported them. Where were you when I needed help with all that, hmmm?
"Your mother/father needs, wants you to, thinks, feels you should (insert thing)" The bad things you caused and the good things, you're failing to provide. So the funny thing is that these flying monkeys don't really even know your mom/dad. And they don't care. They just want to mind your business and make you feel bad. Or they are triangulating you against the person. My seethingly angry dad and stepmom hated each other, yet blamed me for somehow causing that?
"You should do this or that for them." So much screwy here that I have to list it.
1) Any sentence that includes "you should" is suspect and should be approached with care. Or ignored.
2) Usually, the thing you should do is something that you are doing already and shouldn't be doing in the first place. Like taking care of, fixing, enabling, etc.
3) It's often something the flying monkeys should be doing (parents being spouses to their new spouses, not expecting me to).
4) Mostly, it's things they don't need done for them and should be doing for themselves.
5) In my case, it was things that were not done for me but should have been. Like caring for, helping, feeding, clothing, housing, providing for, etc.
6) If the flying monkeys think the person needs something, why aren't they doing it? This requires a paragraph of it's own.
Isn't it funny how the flying monkeys don't lift a finger to help but feel no qualms guilting you? And often with things they actually are responsible for. That was all my "parents' M.O. When my lazy, manipulative stepmother wanted a free live-in maid and nanny, my dad happily offered up me. And Bible-gaslight that it was my duty. When my stepmother needed a scapegoat for her, her sons' and my dad's bad behavior guess who she picked? When my mom needed a target for her and her husband's narcissistic abuse, it was me again. I was the cause of and responsible to fix all their problems.
But when I wasn't around anymore, how the table turned. When it was them experiencing the things each other did, they whined to me about how awful the others were. They expected me to feel sorry for them because they had to actually deal with the monsters they had created and forced on me. And they didn't deal with a fraction of the shit I had.
I wish I'd seen then how crazy it all was. I wish I'd asked, how's that working out for you? Cuz you were fine when it was me, who you didn't care for, caring for the new people you forced on me. Now you all want me to care for you again? Pigs might fly.
To anyone, including the flying monkeys in my head, who thinks I should enable, care for, help, fix, please people who didn't care for me, I have this to say. I don't. It's not safe or healthy for me. It's killing me. I have enough to do trying save myself from the conflagration of pain, suffering, guilt, shame and damage without pouring gas on the fire.
But don't let me stop you. If you think they need all this care, feel free to step up. Put yourself where your mouth is. See how well it goes. When you realize how demanding and ungrateful they are, you'll change your tune. And good luck when they walk on and exploit you. Don't say I didn't warn you. But no fear of you doing that. Flying monkeys are better at issuing instructions than following them.
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