Hello my friends. I'm working to heal from CPTSD caused by four abusive narcissistic parents, two biological and their spouses. I was the only child of my parents and the neglect, endangerment, abandonment, parentification and invalidation began very young. Then when they remarried, it was compounded by their new spouses, with exploitation, manipulation, more parentification and scapegoating. When they had children, I was squarely in the scapegoat role (can't do anything right, servant, etc) while the others were "golden children" (who can do no wrong). Here's how my parents treat me vs. how they treat their golden children.
1) Narcissistic parents neglect the scapegoat child's basic care (in shockingly abusive ways) and overcompensate with the golden kids. Especially if they are kids from their "new family." My mother used tell me to go play alone in the park two blocks away when I was 5. She never walked me to school. She let me play in Alaska in a rough area of town by the docks alone when I was six. But when we went downtown a few years ago, she had to shout into the bathroom before my 37-year-old sister went in, because "can't be too careful with my kid."
2) Narcissistic parents blatantly deprive the scapegoat, of things, time, attention, care and lavish it on the golden kids. My dad's kids had all kinds of expensive toys and rooms of their own. I was made to sleep with in the baby's room and given a cast off pillow that had a needle in it. They had desks and didn't do their homework. I had a miniature child's desk at 19. My mother stole from me and used my child support to fund her new family's lifestyle. She made me pay for basic necessities so her chronically unemployed boyfriend then husband could have a motorcycle.
3) Narcissistic parents believe that taking care of the scapegoat is a choice not a responsibility. And they let their new spouses believe this lie. My dad's new wife did not want me to move into their house. Notice I didn't say my house with my dad. She was allowed to think she dictated terms and this is because my dad selfishly imaging it was a do-over and I was an option. Many "step kids" like me, become the hidden homeless after a divorce. We never have a home after that.
4) Narcissistic parents are selfish hypocrites. They don't want the scapegoat BUT they do want her services. They make it clear that the scapegoat child is only there on sufferance, and that they must earn their keep. My dad's wife jumped at the chance to move me in once he explained how much "help" I could be. Their "real kids" experience none of this.
5) Narcissistic parents exclude and marginalize the scapegoat from the family. They weaponize this status as if it's something earned. They gaslight the scapegoat into believing that "helping out" makes her a family member. But it's never enough. The golden kids have lifetime membership with all the privileges denied to the scapegoat.
6) Narcissistic parents treat the goldens like family members and the scapegoat like unpaid staff. Both of my parents' new spouses were lazy, demanding, bossy and needy AF. And my real parents weren't much better. My parents wanted the perks of being married. But the work they left to me. This included sleeping with their inconvenient noisy new babies, mopping, ironing, laundry, meal prep, dishes, dusting, bathroom cleaning, vacuuming and childcare. As I think about it, I'm not sure what they actually did besides sit on the couch and watch TV. Their kids had no chores, ever.
7) Narcissistic parents parentify the scapegoat and infantilize the goldens. The scapegoat is expected to parent not only her parents and their spouses but the new children. They are presented to her as "brothers" and "sisters" but are in fact charges she must nanny. For free.
8) Narcissistic parents bully the scapegoat and encourage the goldens to do likewise. My parents laughed when their golden kids sneered at me, saying "you're not my real sister." They were not expected to obey or even respect me yet I was supposed to give up everything for them. I was harshly punished if I didn't parent their children in the way they wanted. Or if I wasn't grateful and joyful enough about all the work they were putting on me.
9) Narcissistic parents NEVER take the scapegoat's part even when it's ludicrously obvious she's in the right. They always take their new spouses' or golden child's part. They lie and gaslight the scapegoat at every turn, till she's so damaged and confused and fucked up that she can only grovel and say "sir, yes, sir" and "ma'am no ma'am".
10) Narcissistic parents triangulate their new spouses against the scapegoat. In fact, they triangulate between the new spouses and the scapegoat. They
11) Narcissistic parents are insanely arrogant. They believe they are omnipotent and omniscient. And they're at their worst with the scapegoat. They magically believe that they can just do away with their "old family" and that their new families are the real ones. They make up rules for the scapegoat as they go along and don't ever follow them.
12) Narcissistic parents twist everything. They are transactional when it suits them. But they never keep up their end of the transaction. They just take and take. They make basic things all children deserve, conditional. Love, care, respect. Then they withhold these and make the scapegoat think it's because she failed. If the scapegoat expects her share, she's called selfish.
13) Narcissistic parents want the perks of being parents without the work. They are family when you're doing for them but it's a business arrangement when they're doing for you. I chauffeured my mother everywhere, non gratis. When she picked me up from the airport once, she charged $40. She freely used up all my savings bonds and child support to fund her new family. She offered to pay for a few months rent on my first apartment and then lied and said that was a loan. She had the gall to collect interest. She lied to my husband and said I promised to sell her my good car for $100 and also buy her junk car for $900. She lied and told me that my husband agreed to this.
14) Narcissistic parents gaslight scapegoats into thinking that they are a danger to their golden kids. They make the scapegoat feel like an immoral, evil influence. While they themselves are incredibly immoral, abusive, violent, neglectful and endangering. I've believed that and dream all the time that I've caused suffering to someone. Turns out I was the one being hurt.
15) Narcissistic parents subject the scapegoat to dangers they'd never dream of inflicting on the golden kids. They wantonly abuse, neglect, abandon, endanger, exploit, invalidate, shame, humiliate and harm the scapegoat. They behave as if they actually want their child to be hurt. Which brings me to the last and worst thing narcissistic parents do to their child.
Stay tuned for that.
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