Why narcissistic parents who divorce and remarry hurt their OG child and favor their new kids

Hi friends. I've been sharing a lot about how I was abused, neglected, abandoned, endangered, bullied, intimidated, invalidated, parentified and gaslit by four narcissistic parents. In my last post, I discussed how narcissistic parents who divorce and remarry, often scapegoat one child ( the OG kid). And how they treat their scapegoat child vs. their golden children. I ended with a promise to discuss the worst thing narcissistic parents do to the scapegoat. Today, I'll share from firsthand experience as the scapegoat, what that is and why narcissistic parents who divorce and remarry are so nasty to the child of their first marriage. And why they favor their new kids. 

It's quite simple. Narcissistic parents don't like or love the scapegoat. In fact, they want to hurt, punish, shame, abuse, neglect, destroy the scapegoat. There is no low they won't stoop to. Nothing is good enough for the golden kids and nothing is bad enough for the scapegoat. And make no mistake, they purposely intend that the scapegoat should know this and feel the hurt they are inflicting. 

Why? Because it is vengeance for the child of their first marriage, daring to be. In my parents' deluded, twisted, selfish minds, I was thwarting them so they scapegoated me. I was a constant reminder that they had failed their first marriage, their covenant with God. Not only failed but thumbed their noses at God and willfully went against Him. 

See, in the narcissist's mind, there is no God but them. I call the shots, they think. I can make things up as they go along. Oh that first marriage? That wasn't real. The child that came from it wasn't real. I can detonate it at will. I can walk away from the child I created, "remarry" and have my real family with my real children. I can exploit and take advantage of her because she has the audacity to exist. Her presence calls into question, my delusions. 

Narc parents are also jealous of anything anyone gives their scapegoat child. Including love and including God. They believe and gaslight her into believing that she steals things that the real children deserve. It's they who are the thieves though. They deprive the scapegoat of everything and give it to their spoiled golden children. My parents took money and possessions given to me by family and gave them to their new spouses and other children. They gaslit me into believing I didn't deserve anything. That I wasn't the deprived one. That I could never do enough or give enough to their new families. 

My parents and their spouses thought they could just start a shiny new life without me as if I was refuse they could throw out. But the rest of my family didn't see it this way. They had the nerve to love me, despite my parents' dictate that they accept the new family and kids as their only family. They spent their lives being jealous of my grandparents love of me. Like me being cared for somehow deprived their other children. It didn't. My grandparents were bigger than that. 

Which makes me see that it wasn't that I was getting what others deserved. It was that I was being acknowledged as a full person. Not just the scapegoat and servant they used me as. And not just by family. I was a reminder that there is a God and He's not them. That he disapproves their selfish ways. That He refused to accept that their new spouses, family and kids were their real and ONLY kids.  

The fact that I existed annoyed the hell out of them. I was a reminder that they had feet of clay. That I existed because God willed it. So the scapegoat represents all the people who've not given them their way. And that God calls the shots, not them. 

Seen in this light, all the abuse was vengeance. If they could not erase me, they could certainly neglect their responsibility to me. If I had to be around, they would exploit me for all I was worth. They would  abandon and terrify me so I'd be grateful for any crumbs of care. They would endanger in the hopes that maybe I'd be killed or abducted and they would exonerated. They would intimidate, gaslight, bully me till I was cowed into submission. They would shame and invalidate any sense of self-worth. 

And they succeeded for the past 59 years. 

How abusive narcissistic parents treat the scapegoat kid vs. golden child

 Hello my friends. I'm working to heal from CPTSD caused by four abusive narcissistic parents, two biological and their spouses. I was the only child of my parents and the neglect, endangerment, abandonment, parentification and invalidation began very young. Then when they remarried, it was compounded by their new spouses, with exploitation, manipulation,  more parentification and scapegoating. When they had children, I was squarely in the scapegoat role (can't do anything right, servant, etc) while the others were "golden children" (who can do no wrong). Here's how my parents treat me vs. how they treat their golden children. 

1) Narcissistic parents neglect the scapegoat child's basic care (in shockingly abusive ways) and overcompensate with the golden kids. Especially if they are kids from their "new family." My mother used tell me to go play alone in the park two blocks away when I was 5. She never walked me to school. She let me play in Alaska in a rough area of town by the docks alone when I was six. But when we went downtown a few years ago, she had to shout into the bathroom before my 37-year-old sister went in, because "can't be too careful with my kid." 

2) Narcissistic parents blatantly deprive the scapegoat, of things, time, attention, care and lavish it on the golden kids. My dad's kids had all kinds of expensive toys and rooms of their own. I was made to sleep with in the baby's room and given a cast off pillow that had a needle in it. They had desks and didn't do their homework. I had a miniature child's desk at 19. My mother stole from me and used my child support to fund her new family's lifestyle. She made me pay for basic necessities so her chronically unemployed boyfriend then husband could have a motorcycle. 

3) Narcissistic parents believe that taking care of the scapegoat is a choice not a responsibility. And they let their new spouses believe this lie. My dad's new wife did not want me to move into their house. Notice I didn't say my house with my dad. She was allowed to think she dictated terms and this is because my dad  selfishly imaging it was a do-over and I was an option. Many "step kids" like me, become the hidden homeless after a divorce. We never have a home after that. 

4) Narcissistic parents are selfish hypocrites. They don't want the scapegoat BUT they do want her services. They make it clear that the scapegoat child is only there on sufferance, and that they must earn their keep. My dad's wife jumped at the chance to move me in once he explained how much "help" I could be. Their "real kids"  experience none of this. 

5) Narcissistic parents exclude and marginalize the scapegoat from the family.  They weaponize this status as if it's something earned. They gaslight the scapegoat into believing that "helping out" makes her a family member. But it's never enough. The golden kids have lifetime membership with all the privileges denied to the scapegoat. 

6) Narcissistic parents treat the goldens like family members and the scapegoat like unpaid staff. Both of my parents' new spouses were lazy, demanding, bossy and needy AF. And my real parents weren't much better. My parents wanted the perks of being married. But the work they left to me. This included sleeping with their inconvenient  noisy new babies, mopping, ironing, laundry, meal prep, dishes, dusting, bathroom cleaning, vacuuming and childcare. As I think about it, I'm not sure what they actually did besides sit on the couch and watch TV. Their kids had no chores, ever. 

7) Narcissistic parents parentify the scapegoat and infantilize the goldens. The scapegoat is expected to parent not only her parents and their spouses but the new children. They are presented to her as "brothers" and "sisters" but are in fact charges she must nanny. For free. 

8) Narcissistic parents bully the scapegoat and encourage the goldens to do likewise. My parents laughed when their golden kids sneered at me, saying "you're not my real sister." They were not expected to obey or even respect me yet I was supposed to give up everything for them.  I was harshly punished if I didn't parent their children in the way they wanted. Or if I wasn't grateful and joyful enough about all the work they were putting on me. 

9) Narcissistic parents NEVER take the scapegoat's part even when it's ludicrously obvious she's in the right. They always take their new spouses' or golden child's part. They lie and gaslight the scapegoat at every turn, till she's so damaged and confused and fucked up that she can only grovel and say "sir, yes, sir" and "ma'am no ma'am".

10) Narcissistic parents triangulate their new spouses against the scapegoat. In fact, they triangulate between the new spouses and the scapegoat. They 

11) Narcissistic parents are insanely arrogant. They believe they are omnipotent and omniscient. And they're at their worst with the scapegoat. They magically believe that they can just do away with their "old family" and that their new families are the real ones. They make up rules for the scapegoat as they go along and don't ever follow them. 

12) Narcissistic parents twist everything. They are transactional when it suits them. But they never keep up their end of the transaction. They just take and take. They make basic things all children deserve, conditional. Love, care, respect. Then they withhold these and make the scapegoat think it's because she failed. If the scapegoat expects her share, she's called selfish. 

13) Narcissistic parents want the perks of being parents without the work. They are family when you're doing for them but it's a business arrangement when they're doing for you. I chauffeured my mother everywhere, non gratis. When she picked me up from the airport once, she charged $40. She freely used up all  my savings bonds and child support to fund her new family. She offered to pay for a few months rent on my first apartment and then lied and said that was a loan. She had the gall to collect interest. She lied to my husband and said I promised to sell her my good car for $100 and also buy her junk car for $900. She lied and told me that my husband agreed to this. 

14) Narcissistic parents gaslight scapegoats into thinking that they are a danger to their golden kids. They make the scapegoat feel like an immoral, evil influence.  While they themselves are incredibly immoral, abusive, violent, neglectful and endangering.  I've believed that and dream all the time that I've caused suffering to someone. Turns out I was the one being hurt. 

15) Narcissistic parents subject the scapegoat to dangers they'd never dream of inflicting on the golden kids. They wantonly abuse, neglect, abandon, endanger, exploit, invalidate, shame, humiliate and harm the scapegoat. They behave as if they actually want their child to be hurt. Which brings me to the last and worst thing narcissistic parents do to their child. 

Stay tuned for that. 

Weird things people with CPTSD think and do and how it stems from childhood trauma

 Hey friends. Today in my quest to heal from, or at least just come to grips with, my CPTSD, I'm going to share weird things people with CPTSD do and how it stems from childhood trauma. I've shared a lot of my back story of abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, invalidation, parentification, family scapegoating and gaslighting about it all from four very self-absorbed, narcissistic parents. You can check out my past posts if you want. Right now let's look at first person, how childhood trauma from narcissistic abuse, leaves a person with some very disturbing behaviors and ideas. 

1) I'm always unsure of myself. This looks like jumpy, flinchy agitation with no cause. It comes from always playing the "guess what the parents want, think, need, feel" game and losing. From being in the crosshairs of irrational, explosive anger (for trying on a sweater at a Christmas party) and punishment (for not knowing how to care for four special needs foster kids my mom left me with for a week and waking my mom's boyfriend who was sleeping on the couch). From major upheaval coming out of nowhere (being kicked out of the house at 16 for coming home an hour late).  

2) I'm always disoriented. I babble and can't put two words together. I say odd things and then second guess myself and then explain which just confuses me and others more. I say "do you know what I mean?" a lot. It's clear they don't.

3) I either pay no attention or too much attention. I'm constantly distracted by disapproving voices in my head or real voices that sound disapproving. So I don't pay attention to details and miss important things. Or I pay obsessive attention to things that don't require that much concentration. This comes from having to both please irrational parents while at the same time, dissociating from their crazy, immoral, illegal, dangerous behavior. 

4) I don't know when to tune in and when to tune out. I tune out what I should be acknowledging and reporting as abusive. This is from having to pretend that all is fine when it's a hellish nightmare. From being so preoccupied with tuning out that I don't know when tune in. Conversely I'm so preoccupied with being ultra tuned in to everyone's constant demands that I don't know when it's okay to tune out. 

5) I'm never not in people pleaser mode. I'm obsequious and hypervigilant. I catch myself in those cameras by the U-scan, always looking over my shoulder with a perma-grin of anxiety. I laugh nervously at everyone's jokes whether they're funny or not. I give in to everyone. I assume they're right and I'm wrong. I'm the last one to bed and can only sleep when everyone is asleep. I'm on call 24-7-365. This comes from having to placate, serve and dance attendance on four parents and their other children. 

6) I've never relax. I'm afraid and anxious all the time. I can't sleep for the traumatic nightmares and crazy dreams. My hands shake and my stomach is in knots at the thought that someone is upset with  me. Or just upset and that I can't but should fix it. I was terrified of my dad till the day he passed. And now I'm afraid of his voice in my head. He always expects something or is disapproving and is perpetually mad at me. Not disappointed. Furious and disgusted with me. 

6) I'm humiliated. I feel out of place and foolish. I think I behave in stupid ways, say stupid things. I don't know if I do. My  husband and kids say I don't. That I'm actually kinda nice and fun to be with. But I often wonder if they're just being nice. I feel like a fraud. This comes from so many embarrassing things happening to me. And from being the butt of parents' jokes. And from parents doing awkward things and saying weird stuff that I have to compensate or cover for. 

7) I don't do things very well. I make dumb mistakes.  I cut corners and am always in a hurry. That's because everything was made to feel so damn urgent. I  once served dinner 20 minutes "late" and my my dad's wife chewed me out. I was surprised because we didn't have a dinner time and she never cooked. Also, no one taught me how to do things or even knew or cared if I learned how. I was left to figure out a lot on my own. And there were always so many people expecting so much that I grew a that a siren on my head and run around putting out fires that don't exist. 

7) I don't take very good care of myself or tend to my needs. I ignore chronic pain. This is because my health wasn't cared for. I was told I was showing off. I was not believed. Interestingly, I'm usually not exaggerating but downplaying. When I do go to the doctor, I find that the condition is much worse than I thought. I ignored a shoulder injury till it was in tatters. I ignored cellulitis till my finger was so swelled up that my rings had to be cut off. 

8) I believe that others are morally superior to me. That their needs come first. Even when it's obvious  that someone is pathologically narcissistic, exploiting me or doesn't know what they are talking about. This comes from endless lies told to and about me, twisting of truth and gaslighting that I'm wrong and they're right. I believe others' version of things and don't even realize that I have a perspective let alone that I can express it. 

9) I don't get a lot of things. Basic things like how to drive. I wasn't taught. I had a full on panic attack with dysregulation at my first driver's training session. That didn't do much to help my social life. The instructor was shocked that I'd never been behind the wheel of a car. Looking back, I see that I did a lot of things weirdly because I had no idea what normal looked like. And because narcissistic abuse has caused continual stress and release of cortisol that damaged my brain. 

10) I expect and believe I deserve, mistreatment. I wasn't given things others take for granted.  A bedroom, a pillow, Kotex, a home, medical care. And horrors most kids can't imagine, did happen to me. Sexual abuse, being left in a strange city with strangers at six, walking by myself to school and playing blocks from home alone. You know how people say "what parent would do such a thing?" That's usually the thing mine have done. Abuse, neglect, abandon, endanger, exploit, scapegoat, parentify. I don't know if they knew how weird it was but they certainly didn't seem to care. So I'm the exception to a lot of rules. 

11) I live by two sets of rules. The stricter one that I have to follow and the much looser for others. Others need things. I can get by without. Others make mistakes. I purposely do wrong. Others lied to and about me then said I was the liar. Others demand things but I'm the selfish one. People who were malignantly, aggressively, passive-aggressively angry at me continually, and whom I waited on, said I had anger problems. 

12) I get overwhelmed by big out of the blue emotions and sensations. I rage, and cry. I bite myself and rub out the teeth marks. I panic and beg and grovel. I spanked my kids when I didn't want to. Mostly I'm terrified. I don't know what of. As I get older and out of menopause they are easier to predict and plan for. In my childbearing years they were crippling. 

13) I live in a fog of enigma. Things I know are wrong for others,  I never realized were wrong for me. Things my parents would never do to their others children they routinely did to me. Things that were fine for me, were not good enough for my parents and their families. God had a lot of commands for me that parents and their kids weren't held to. There was a constant hypocritical paradox. So much so that I kind of fractured. I couldn't juxtapose the awful treatment with the loving parents they purported to be. So I buried the memories and feelings deep and just kept trying to please. And failing. And getting more and more fragmented. 

14) I have horrific nightmares and bizarre dreams every single night, all night long. There's no rest. I think it might be God allowing these things to help me get to the root of all the pain. But they are exhausting. I could sleep all the time. 

15) I have constant chronic pain that makes me walk funny. Problems that should have been dealt with when I was young, weren't. There was "no money." But there was money to take the expensive dog to the vet regularly. I also hold myself in very tense, uncomfortable positions, always ready for the next thing coming at me. 

So the result is comprehensive, compound post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) But the weird thing is, that I look and seem just like a normal person. No one sees the mess I am unless they look very closely. But I don't allow that. I'm ashamed. And worried that it will scare them. I'm good at hiding, in plain sight. 

How parents and stepparents can be better for their kids than mine were to me

 Hi friends. I was very direct in my last post about how divorce, remarriage and stepparents contradict God's plan and the very nature of things. I meant to be. Kids have been so gaslit, damaged and disabled by this notion of do-over families that I can't afford not to be. I don't even use the term stepparent, stepchildren or half-siblings because the terms have been so weaponized against children. I explained how in my last post but I'll elaborate in this one. This post is written to anyone with children, who is considering divorce, getting into a relationship with someone with children or is in one. I'll be addressing Christian parents because divorce and remarriage particularly contradict their dogma but the tips apply to anyone. 

If you've been following this blog, you can skip the bits in brackets, just backstory that you've heard before. {A quick backstory. My parents moved to Alaska to be missionaries in 1969, a task they were not equipped for, not supported in and did not understand. They had no jobs, plan for housing and knew no one. They thought it would be a holiday in which the grateful missioned-to would care for, feed, clothe and house them, while they "preached" (told others what to do while not doing it). And that's exactly what happened. They talked. Others, strangers, cared for me. My mom divorced my dad after carrying on a series of affairs. He spent his time wandering in Alaska, purportedly ministering to youth but really just having an extended gap year. 

When they got back to Michigan, they set about finding new partners and starting new families. This was almost unheard of in our family, friends or community at large. I knew of no other kid with whose mom had a boyfriend or dad, a girlfriend. And it was even creepier because he always went for girls half his age and she went for guys 2x hers. At one point she moved her boyfriend into our house while she was running a foster care home (which subsequently got shut down due to their combined abuse of  the kids. It never occurred to me that I  had been abused in that too). 

Throughout my life, I've been shunted back and forth to their respective homes. It was always their homes, never mine. I was made to be servant, surrogate spouse and parent and scapegoat to their new families. I was never wanted by any of them, except as a worker bee. I was kept in submission, given cast off stuff made to earn my keep. I never managed to do that to their standards and was eventually put out on the street at 16. It was a real-life Cinderella story only I wasn't blonde and beautiful. I was fat and dumpy. Which added to constant sense of shame. And, I think, to my parents ability to get away with it all. 

I cannot describe the confusion, emotional pain and shame I lived with. I'm scared of my own shadow. I can't make decisions with getting a second opinion because I'm so used to being told I'm wrong. Life with my father and his wife was one endless stream of criticism and shame. They took their other kids' parts against me every single time. The Bible was used as a weapon to keep me in ashamed servitude. If I showed hurt, I was too sensitive. If I rose above, I was told I was proud. It will haunt me till the day I pass on. My dreams torment me at night. It brain damaged me in ways I will spend my life unraveling. 

So, you're asking, what can we do differently as a blended family, so what happened to you doesn't happen to our kids? Well, the fact that you're asking is a good sign that you're off on the right foot. Here are some things you need to think about if you're going to get remarried or enter into a new relationship when you have children from a previous one. For the purpose of discussion, "child" refers to the one from your earlier relationship. And I'm going to be very direct here. And every single one comes from personal experience. 

1) It's not about you. I guarantee you, whatever you suffered in your old relationship, your child is suffering just as much. She is confused, she feels you are divorcing her. She has been cast out with the old relationships like floor sweepings. You don't get to make up words and families as you go along. You cannot present new people into your child's life and expect the child to accept them as mom or dad and certainly not authority figures. These adults are your partner or spouse. They are nothing to the child. Their children are nothing to the child. Your new family is nothing. You blew apart the family that the child knew. To the child, you're foisting new faces on them as if the other family never existed. Help the child process. Admit that you have done hurtful things by breaking up the family. Get the child a supportive therapist or friend. Let healthy, extended family reach out to support the child. You got your way with this new family. Your child has nothing. Give the child time and space to come to terms with this. If she doesn't, don't force it. 

2) Focus on how the new adult in your life will treat the child, not the other way around. It's is already the most unmitigated gall to present the child with a "new mom" when the child already has one. And that's when the new adult actually treats the child with respect as a parent would. All to often, the new adult is jealous of the child or even wants to keep the child out of his or her new family. And the child's parent goes along with it and lets the new partner call all the shots. And worst of all is when the new partner behaves not all like a caring person but is abusive, demanding, controlling, shaming, exploitative, manipulative, neglectful, invalidating and hurtful to the child. And the parent goes right along with it. 

3) It's the child's house too. She was there first. My mother moved a boyfriend in who hit the ground running ordering me around. He never worked and it was my mother's and my house. But after he moved in, I never had a home again. It was always his. If you start a new relationship and you're the homeowner, make sure they understand that this is your child's home. 

4) Adults shows respect first and hopefully earns the child's respect. Am I saying allow the child to be  disrespectful to the new person? Eh, maybe for awhile. The child is always the child while you are the adults. And understand what is meant be respect. How are you expecting the child to treat the adult? Is it respect or servitude? Are you expecting the child to put up with bullying behavior and not say anything? Are you turning a blind eye to, even encouraging the new adult's poor treatment of the child? Mine did. So much emphasis was put on me being respectful, by people who were being incredibly disrespectful, just for shits and giggles. And there was little fear of me being disrespectful with the very dangerous and inappropriate consequences from four extremely dysfunctional people. 

5) Learn your Bible. The old "honor your mom and dad" maxim was thrown in my face constantly when I was a model of obedience and respect. Not because I'm so great. It was dangerous not to be. But then they overlooked all the things the Bible told them they were supposed to do for me and didn't. Don't provoke your kid to anger by forcing strange and unhealthy expectations. Love them. Care for them. Don't kick them to the curb. And parents, you are the example. Be more concerned about what you are teaching them. 

5) You don't have a choice. You have a responsibility to your progeny, not the other way around. Your child and what you owe them,  predates the new partner. There are no do-overs. The child exists. The child is the original family, extant. You can't erase your debt to your child just because you don't want it anymore or because your new partner doesn't. You divorced your spouse, not your child. Although to hear some people, you'd think they believed they could. Neither of the new ones wanted me around. Except for the heavy lifting.  And they were allowed, by my parents to think they had a choice in the matter. 

I was allowed to live (note the word allowed, as I was optional and they were magnanimously giving me a home) with my parents and their new families only under very specific, transactional circumstances. Transactions in which I did my part and they didn't. Never once was my part ever taken against the shitty, lying accusation the new people leveled at me. I was made responsible for their work, taking care of their kids and waiting on them and their new spouses. If anything went wrong, it was my fault. If I wasn't making enough mistakes they made shit to guilt me with And this is part of the horrible gaslighting that made me the mess I am now. 

6) And therein lies the rub. Parents who neglect their kids in favor of new families are very delusional indeed. But it went beyond fantasy with my parents. It was calculated. They didn't accidentally hurt me. They had to go out of their way to do the weird things they were doing. And they lied and gaslit me at every turn. And then cried on my shoulder. And then turned on me with venomous anger. And then blamed me for causing it. It was intentional to get me to a point where I was grateful for anything. Where I'd grovel and beg just for basic necessities. Which they would deny. And then blame and shame. Lather rinse repeat. 

Do you have any idea how difficult it is for a child to process the dissolution of their family? It was for me an existential crisis. I could not grasp, in fact I never have, what happened. Oh I accepted it alright. I had to. My mom told me she was leaving my dad, let me cry a few minutes and boom, done. No mercy. No counseling. No one to talk to. She was done with him and on to the next, with no concern about how that would affect me. Her only issue was that she couldn't just poof me away too. And my dad had essentially abandoned. He never really came back. 

But then, as I think of it, that was how they'd always been. The world revolves around them. Other people existed only as supporting characters in the Jack or Nancy show. They  both lacked any empathy for others. This allowed them to be incredibly hurtful, to go thru life causing chaos and pain, and to be completely unphased. They were totally self-absorbed. I just had the extreme misfortune to be the only child of two narcissists who then married other narcissists. 

So back to my tips. If you care for your child, you'll do what's right. If you don't, you won't. It really doesn't matter how you configure your family, whether married, single, divorced or living together, so long as you keep your priorities straight. I really mean that. When I was a kid, very few people divorced. Now it's common. But the pitfalls still remain. If you put ALL your kids first, if you live Ohana where no one gets left out or forgotten, you can make anything work. 

My mother's fault was only in part moving her boyfriend in because it was so weird and hypocritically immoral back then. It was in kicking me to the curb in favor of him, of forcing me to be subject to him and in not honoring me as the an OG member of the family. Same with my dad. It was all in the order of operations. 

Break up marriage. Double down on care and protection for kid. Meet new person. Make priorities clear. Kid was there first. Kid will always be there. Adaptations and sacrifices are made by adults, for child, not other way around. If they can handle that, proceed with caution. If it changes and you start seeing nastiness toward and jealousy of child, door works both ways. Better to cut the new person than neglect your duty to your child. Oh, and, child is not responsible if relationship fails. It didn't end because kid got in way. New partner is selfish person. Keep that clear in your head. More on that later. 

How religious abuse sabotages a kid's God-given safety system

 Hi friends. I'm on a mission to heal my CPTSD caused by decades of narcissistic parental abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, scapegoating, parentification, invalidation, constant shaming, intimidation and gaslighting. Today I'm looking specifically at how religious abuse sabotages a kid's God-given safety system. I'll also explore how narcissistic parents pervert and weaponize religion, specifically Christianity, to destroy their children. 

"Christian" narcissistic parents have a huge arsenal of weapons for child abuse, in the Bible. I know, you're thinking, um, what?? The Bible teaches God's love. Well, I know that and you know that. Because to us, the Bible is an instruction book. And a love story from God to us. To a narcissist, it's a weapon of mass destruction. It's a buffet of options from which they pick and choose what they like for themselves. God is love to them. For others, He's a harsh tyrant raining down molten lava on his hapless victims. 

Narcissist parents twist everything in the Bible to suit their selfish ends. They use it to justify their cruelty, exploitation, manipulation, endangerment, abuse, neglect, shaming, parentification, invalidation and harassment of their children. At least mine did. Let's take the trope of "faith over fear" which you'll know if you have followed this blog I believe is a huge heresy. And I'm not one to use that word lightly. 

My narcissist parents ( I had four), terrorized me regularly with violent anger, Draconian punishment and constantly shifting expectations. They wore down my resistance with medical and physical neglect. They told me all sorts of crazy crap and got me so confused that I went into a dissociative fugue and shut down for large periods of my life. They made up lies about what God expected from me that I was afraid of my own shadow. They made me slave for them until my back was so crooked I couldn't stand straight. They abandoned me in frightening situations and left me at the mercy of terrifying people. 

And then, they shamed me for being afraid. They called it "showing off" and "disloyal" and "attention-seeking" and "lies." They literally laughed at me because I was so shell shocked by their atrocious behavior that I walked and talked and cried and screamed in my sleep. Then they'd pull out the "faith in God" spiel. A God whom they had previously said pretty much despised me. I mean  why else was I left to play alone in strange cities? A loving God wouldn't do that so I must be unlovable, right?

So you might be thinking that's exaggerated. Which of course it is, to an adult who has had a relatively safe, secure and loving family life. To a child who's been mistreated, it's all too real. Downplayed, if anything. I have only just at 60, begun to fully unpack the unutterable terror that has assailed me all my life. Being scared witless by your parents and then shamed and punished for being afraid is the definition of shit and shoved in it. And damned if you do and damned if you don't. 

And this bizarre quagmire is incredibly useful for toxic parents to keep a child in line. Fear is a poor motivator but a great disabler. By keeping thinking that everything I do is wrong, not good enough, done for wrong reasons, they kept me ever hopping thru hoops, trying and never managing to please. Think about it. If you guilt a kid into thinking that parent pleasing (four of them, mind) is God's will and that she is always failing, why you've just set off a perpetual motion machine. I was frantically spinning my wheels and going nowhere. And the inner pain and anguish is indescribable. 

So how did they manage that? How did I not at some point see through this shame sham? Because what abuse and then gaslighting about it does is to sabotage a kid's God-given safety system. Hurting a kid repeatedly and then lying about it, saying it's the child's fault or that it didn't happen, damages her inner CQD signals. She fails to heed the iceberg warnings because she's been taught to ignore red flags. Red flags God has put in place to protect. And she keeps ramming the icebergs and damaging her little boat. Pretty soon it's broken on the rocks. 

That's where I am now. A 60 year old shipwreck. All that messed up, toxic, harmful junk from childhood is as real to me now as it was 55 years ago. In fact, it's gained momentum over the years. My dad's angry shaming voice, his wife's passive aggressive rage, my mom's exploitative backstabbing iand her husband's malignant abuse are scarier now than ever. 

And we can all say, till we're blue in the face, that I'm an adult now. Old enough to know better. I'm not bound by those old, wicked teachings. Trust me,  I punish myself all the time, over this. If I had enough faith, I could overcome this reign of terror. Oh that I could. But that's not how it works. 

God instills in us, a sense of fear, to keep us safe. He doesn't want us to blindly ignore his warning system, to plow heedlessly through caution tape. He gives us warning signals to recognize dangerous people. Unfortunately, when those are the very people who are supposed to care for us, well, we're kind of screwed. They are the wolves in sheep's clothing. The tormentors with parent faces. And because we are children, we know none of this. A child, especially a traumatized one, accepts her parents' version of everything, no matter how hurtful it is to her. They are God to her. 

 

What the Bible has to say about divorce, remarriage and stepparents

Hi friends. I'm working to learn how to cope with CPTSD from parental narcissistic abuse, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, scapegoating, exploitation, parentification, invalidation and gaslighting. My situation is unique in that I have four very self-centered parents, two bio and their new spouses. I'm starting a series on how parents abuse kids in second marriages. I'm opening with my conclusion that step families are a contradiction to God's will and common sense. This is going to provoke so hear me out. 

So normally, I'd begin with a bunch of disclaimers to avoid offending people. I'm a people pleaser who is used to her ideas being dismissed and shot down. In my case by parents in whose vested interest it was to keep me second guessing myself. But I'm not backing down on this one. 

So, what does the Bible have to say about stepparents: nothing. And why? Because the entire concept is a contravention of God's will. He has a lot to say about divorce and none of it good. I know why, as a kid who suffered a family breakup in a social setting where it was essentially verboten. But, just for curiosity, I Googled why, just to see what people were saying in today's more permissive age.  And there was a lot of Bible-bending from Christian sources, about how God is okay with divorce, and does address it, and that, we just don't recognize it. How St. Joseph was Jesus's stepfather. Which is anathema. He was a foster father. Mary didn't divorce the Holy Spirit to marry Joseph. And other such nonsense. 

God says nothing about "step parents" because they are not part of his plan. Period. The Bible doesn't stutter. From the 7th and 10th commandments: thou shalt not commit adultery" and "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife" (husband, spouse). God says "I hate divorce." It was only given to people because they were determined to bust up families. So God did as much damage control as He could. Marriage is a sacrament. Now obviously there are situations, where it is permissible:  infidelity, abandonment and the first marriage not be sacramental. Possibly in cases of extreme addiction. 

But what the Bible really eschews is second (third, fourth, etc) marriages, particularly when there are children from the real one. Note I don't say first. That implies there will be a second, etc. And worst of all is the bringing other children into this sham family. Now you will probably say, well Christians get divorced and remarried all the time. Yep. People do a lot of things the Bible says are wrong but frequency doesn't make it right. 

I find it ironic that the very people who are pontificating to others about how they should live their lives are often divorced and married again, themselves. Because we have this habit of hand selecting which parts of scripture we would like to follow. We scrutinize others' eyes for specks and not only ignore but justify the board in our own. Best of all is when we can gaslight others into believing others our sin is actually good and that we are righteous by doing it. 

Okay so admittedly my experience was really bad. My parents blew our family apart. (back in the day they called it what it really was "broken homes" not the so euphemistic "blended family." I hate that term.  Then they got "remarried" as they put it. Like it was some kind of rematch or picture retake. Because they didn't like the first one they could  just wave a wand and magic it--and me--away.  And start a new family as if I didn't exist. 

I became the silent homeless, being shunted to and fro at everyone's convenience but mine. They bought homes with no thought to having room for me. I slept on couches and cast off beds. I was moved out of "my" room and in with the baby whenever they had one. I lived in a cobble job hodge podge of "dad's home" and mom's home and then Ginny's home and Bill's home. Never mine. There was no blending about it. It was a cracked and busted mess and the cracks just got deeper and more dangerous. 

And to hear them talk, this was all God's will. The gaslighting was palpable. Using a lot of babble, they conned me into believing that I now had four parents. Funny though, these new "stepparents" didn't take care of me any better than the first two. They were just two more supervisors who I was also responsible to care for. Then they had a bunch of kids that were my responsibility too. By the age of 14, I was essentially mom to 8 people. 

So my experience, you may argue, is extreme. But I don't think it's as unusual as we might wish. When parents remarry, their children from their real one are often kicked to the curb. Because they are older they  often have way too much expectation placed on them. They are relegated to sharing rooms with babies. Because their parents who were too lazy and selfish to work at their marriage are also too lazy and selfish to raise their children. 

Or to work at their second marriages. I became not only a surrogate parent but surrogate spouse to each of the adults in my life in a sick kind of psychological incest. As I've said before, my parents screwed up their first marriages and by God they weren't going to let me screw up their second ones. And they could have gone had their shiny new families free and clear if it wasn't for me. So I was to blame not only for the divorce but them getting married in the first place. 

Yes, I hear how effed up that sounds. But I'm not making it up. I was told these things in some way or another. My mom used to say when she would visit me "I have to get home to my family." Oof, thanks, Ma. My father would list the ways I had let "mummy" (his new wife) down and then offer up my services to "fix" her. They slept in a soundproof room while I got up at night with their kids.  

So how do parents manage to achieve this fantasy. Well, let's not overlook the complete fabrication of lies the kid is told. Lies which lay eggs and distort everything for that child. The terms they use. "His house" in reference to my mother's unemployed, shiftless boyfriend when it was our house he moved into and they were living on my dad's child support. "Your mother" in reference to dad's new wife. 

Back to the Bible on this. The Bible which they quote all the time, btw. You know how the right wingers love the term "marriage equals one man and one woman?" Yeah so they focus on the nouns, but overlook an important part of that equation which are the adjectives. ONE man and ONE woman. God created children to have two parents. Not four or eight  or 26 or however many other adults their parents want to shove into their lives. 

Two people had authority over me, not the rabble. And about this authority which I'm supposed to honor. There's more to it. Parents are to care for their children, to love them as God loves them, to give good things, not to bind them up to burdens they don't carry, not to be a millstone around their necks, not to anger (stress, harm, neglect, abuse, abandon, endanger, exploit, scapegoat, parentify, invalidate, gaslight) them. 

In my case, the transaction was one-sided with me doing all of the giving and obeying and receiving nothing but negative in return. 

Can people do better? Can second marriages or relationships be managed so that children aren't left out, exploited or harmed by it? I certainly hope so. There are a lot of these situations. But let's not kid ourselves. It's never the ideal. The bible is clear on that. I'll blog more about how people who are in a parent role with other peoples' children can be better. 

Essential tools for healing CPTSD: identifying childhood trauma shamers

Hello my friends. If you've been following my posts on CPTSD from parental narcissistic abuse, thank you. It's been difficult going back and reliving the abuse, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, exploitation, parentification, scapegoating, invalidation, toxic shaming and gaslighting by four narcissistic parent figures. I sometimes, no honestly, most of the time, feel like I'm drowning in it. Seriously, it's that bad.

I don't talk about it much, except on this blog and to a few trusted friends, for several reasons. First and probably worst of all, is the response I get from those who don't understand. I call these people trauma shamers. And you'll know who they are by their dismissive, patronizing, high-handed arrogance. If you tell them you were abused, they will make comments like "oh, that's a long time ago", "it's done and over", "just forgive them" "get over it", "move on", "they are your parents after all..." And worst of all, "you have to honor them because God says to.' 

All of which feels like carbolic acid on a cut. It was a long time ago but it's also now because it happened every time I see them, more gaslighting and shaming, till I cut contact. And tell the voices in my head, my constant nightmares, my self-harming, self-shaming, self-gaslighting, self-hatred that it's all over. Wouldn't I just love to move on, to quit having CPTSD. It would be easier to kick a heroin-alcohol-glue sniffing habit than "get over" CPTSD. And forgive? Been there do that all the time. They're not sorry and it just gives them more fuel to hurt me. 

And no, they are not my parents. Parents do not routinely exploit, endanger, abandon, scapegoat, abuse and neglect their child. I'm their daughter, as in the possessive, controlling, demanding way. They did not ever parent me. They made me parent them and their new spouses and kids. As per the commandment to "honor your parents" yeah that one got twisted all the time. 

Honor meant one thing for me and something very different to my parents. Because in the larger sense of the command, it means honor God your father. And they did not do that. They honored themselves and all their whims and wishes no matter how contrary to scripture they were. And dragged me through it all. However, for me, honor meant blindly obey every weird and dangerous expectation they put on me. 

And further, honor your parents doesn't  include any random stranger they bring into your life and call parent. I  have come to believe that there is no such thing as "stepmother" or "stepfather." They are your parents new spouses. A person has two parents and two only. Who could become friends but in my case were just harsh autocratic tyrants and abusers. Stay tuned for my post on how the false concept of "step families" can damage a child.

But back to the would-be helpful comments. First, they're not helpful they're harmful. And anyone who would say things like this to a childhood trauma survivor is not very healthy themselves. Because I said they don't understand. But that's just me being polite and politically correct again. It's really that they won't understand. 

Anyone who would pooh-pooh abuse and neglect, who would cast doubt on a child's report of cruelty, has an ulterior motive. Either they're deaf, on the abuser's payroll, doing these things to their children or have a pathological lack of empathy. When someone tells me they have cancer, my first response is not to minimize and offer toxic positivity. My first response is to hug, cry, say I'm sorry. TO BLOODY WELL EMPATHIZE, NOT SHAME THEM!!

You need to know that if you are struggling with something, especially something so life-threatening as CPTSD, you must be very careful of who you share with. Trauma shamers are a special breed of sicko. Learn to identify them. You'll know them by the smarmy tone of voice and condescending facial expressions. If someone does this to you, no matter who they are, slam the door on the conversation and get away from them. They mean you no good. 

I'll post more on this and other tools for coping with CPTSD. 

How grandiose narcissists see themselves and how they become covert, malignant narcs with age

Hello my friends. A quick background if you're new to this blog. For the past year, I've been working to heal my brain from a lifetime of parental narcissistic abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, toxic shaming, invalidation, scapegoating and gaslighting about it all. Today I'm looking at how grandiose narcissists see themselves. And also how this self-view makes them into covert and malignant narcissists as they age. 

I lived under the regime of four narcissist parents, three grandiose and one covert narcissist. And at least two with histrionic and antisocial pattern behaviors.  My bio parents were both raging grandiose narcissists who divorced and married other narcs. Life with them was one endless, constantly shifting crazy. I was so damaged in so many ways, by their assaults and gaslighting that I thought it was all my fault. I thought chronic nightmares, CPTSD, suicidally low self esteem and constant fear and shame was normal. 

But recently I've permitted myself to identify the narcissism that drove them. And I realize that I have, as the child of four narcissists, I  have a unique perspective into their thinking which is quite delusional and fantastical. I liken their inner world to a ballet or opera with themselves as prima donna. They always play the lead role never choir or even supporting. 

No wonder my bio parents got divorced. Because there's room for only one diva in the spotlight. And interestingly, diva means goddess in Italian. So there's not even room for God on the stage let alone in the center. He must take a supporting role too. Which leads me to another interesting thing about how God was weaponized by the histrionic narcissists in my life. 

I just listened to a podcast about Christian narcissists and how they kick God out of the driver's seat and exploit Him for their own ends. And wow, was this little girl shouting AMEN. The podcaster identified spot-on how they manipulate you into doing their will by calling it God's, twisting scripture, playing the victim and playing by two sets of rules. And if they can do to adults, think of how they damage their children. I definitely need to blog more about this religious abuse by narcissistic parents. 

As a child, I remember my parents always being "on." As if there was a large adoring audience hanging on their every word. They did a lot of posturing, pontificating and speaking "ex cathedra." No matter how bizarre their behavior, they were convinced of their own infallibility. And like actors they came across very fake. Very pretentious. 

Their behavior designed, I now see, to garner attention. They wanted the big impressive jobs that involved no work on their part. They never participated, they orchestrated. Committee work was far too pedestrian. Even just normal things people all do, like holding down jobs, or paying bills or keeping a roof over their daughter's head or providing for her was beneath them. Let the mere mortal extended family take  care of that. And if they didn't or couldn't, oh well, Marilisa will be fine. Good enough for who it's for. 

However, neither of my parents had any training in ministry or leadership. They were very dismissive of other's achievement and education. But for all that, they firmly believed that they were missionaries and preachers. My father actually went to Los Angeles after the Manson gang murders to convert the Manson girls. He was fully convinced that the authorities would just usher him in to solitary confinement. He had no idea where San Quentin was or how the penal system worked. He just knew that, like Saint Paul, the doors of the prison would magically open for him. They didn't. 

Which might sound very brave and noble. I was gaslit into believing that for years. But when you consider that he had already dragged us across four time zones, on a missionary whim for which he did no preparation, and then left a wife and young daughter in this strange place on another whim, it doesn't sound so great. And when you also consider that my mother was leaving me to my own devices while dreaming up equally delusional fantasies and cheating on my dad, it's even worse. What it looks like, because it was, is child abandonment. 

But narcissists will not see reason on anything. They get very upset when thwarted or questioned. And also very paranoid. Everyone is a hater. No one understands them. Oh how they've suffered. Why can't people just give them their way??? Well, I tried that all my life and it never worked, so yeah... 

Throughout my life, they've done similar outlandish things. Like starting foster care homes but leaving the care to me. As a tween and teen. The menial labor is not for them. They will lie, cheat, scam, con and gaslight others into doing their work for them. And everyone else was supposed to play along. Or, actually, I say everyone else when really it was just me. I was the scapegoat. I was their only child and when they got remarried, their new families were treated very differently. 

Which brings me to the second point which is, how over time and with age, grandiose becomes covert and malignant narcissism. As you might imagine, things often didn't pan out as my parents expected. People didn't line up for their performances. People said no. People disagreed. And those people were of course, hater bullies. But you can only play the victim card so many times before people start to see that there's no fire except the one you started. 

Not everyone. Because my parents present as "good Christians." But it doesn't take long for others to see that they are only in it for what they can get. Not so much my dad. I think his narcissism was more genuinely delusional. But definitely my mom. People are opportunities, not friends. Relationships are very transactional. Preferably with the other person getting stung. 

So their circles have become smaller. And as the show was over, the grand diva has had to go undercover. What's left is self-pity, more open hostility and lack of empathy. Passive-aggressive has given way to just aggressive. And as you age, it becomes exhausting to keep up the facade. All the bitterness and frustration of failed coups, cancelled performances and shattered fantasies, starts coming out. 

She has decided that if she can't be the hottest one in the room, she'll be the most pathetic. Making up stories of abuse, hunger, neglect, poverty (all others' fault). She tells people she is homeless. Wearing nightgowns in public, feigning dementia, disability, hearing loss, memory loss and conditions that defy medical science. Shouting loudly in church, knowingly walking out into traffic expecting others to pull her back, purposely wandering off knowing others will be worried and come looking. 

I think it's ironic that she has chosen these attention-seeking methods. These are all things she subjected me to as a child. I was not given enough to eat. Or a home or bed. I was left to wander alone from age 4, with no one to pull me back out of traffic. Many times, I wandered off and no one came looking. 

The histrionic narcissistic parents' bizarre and contradictory trifecta of abuse

Hello my friends. This blog has evolved from how I lost 100 pounds to an awareness journey into my CPTSD from a lifetime of narcissistic parent abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, manipulative invalidation, scapegoating, parentification, toxic shaming and gaslighting about it all. Today I'm looking at the bizarre and contradictory trifecta of abuse that my histrionic narcissistic parents leveled at me. 

But first, if you're new to the term narcissist, let me explain. So the DSM-5 has identified personality disorders called HPD (histrionic personality disorder) and NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) with characteristics of self-absorption, lack of empathy and self-awareness, exhibitionism and self-centered delusional fantasy issues. There are types within those. For the purpose of this blog, I'm not looking to diagnose whether my parents were clinically NPD or HPD (although I'm 99.9% sure they would be if examined). 

I'm looking at the specific behaviors that they exhibited, which fall squarely in the category of narcissism. At first it was grandiose narcissism with some covert and malignant narcissism which really unfolded the older they got and the more selfish behavior they got away with. The histrionic behavior manifested in a pathological need for attention, exhibitionism and melodrama. I say they because both of my parents behaved as histrionic narcissists and then when they divorced, married other really disturbed people. 

So, needless to say, self-centered people don't make very good parents. However, in the delusional fantasy of narcissism, they think they are amazing. Just like they think they are moral Christians with a God-given right to pontificate to others while living very (by their own standards) immoral lives. Mine gaslit me  into believing that abuse, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, scapegoating, parentification, shaming exploitation and invalidation of me was all God's will. Which I'm sure you'll agree is insanely, off the charts damaging to the child. 

The way a narcissistic parent views the child is what drives the abusive behavior. Or should I say, the role the triple role a child plays in this self-absorbed, delusional fantasy world. To a narcissist, a child is not just a burden and the problem, she is also a threat, but also, and this is so weird, a prop. A supporting role in the Mommy and Daddy show. And what do you do with a burden? Shift it onto others or in my case, ignore it.  A threat you neutralize.  My life was one unending role of schlemiel to the narcissists' schlimazel. The court jester to their ubermensch. 

There is a constant clash of expectations to be a support to the parent but also a scapegoat. The child must know and feel guilty that she is in the way. She blocks the narcissist from reaching their true potential. She gets in the way of their "success." Note, this is all in the narcissist's fantasy. My mother told me that she could have been very high ranking person of prestige in the church they were in at the moment ( I forgot which one, there were so many), if it weren't for me. It was completely fabricated as so many other stories I was told, were. 

My father felt no qualms spending the few dollars we had to go to LA to witness to the Manson girls and leave my mother and me, 6, homeless, without family or support in Alaska. My mother was on board with this as it left her free to continue cheating on my dad. Neither one of them paid much attention to what I did. I have no memory of meals and how I got to school. When he told me he was going, I put a brave face on and said goodbye because that's what he expected. He later defended his complete abandonment of me, and got some extra guilt mileage in, by saying that I didn't miss him anyway. 

There is no winning for the child in this slippery slope. You are, at once, a burden which you should feel guilty for. You are a threat to them being always the center of attention and you should feel guilty for that also. And yet you are the prop, too. As a tiny girl, I got used to bolstering fragile parent egos. They said dance, I danced like there was no tomorrow. 

I got used to walking a tightrope of shame and expectation. But not really. Somewhere in my heart was a small voice whispering that this was not good. When I heard it, I just assumed that it meant I wasn't playing my part. So I did better. And better. And they kept adding to the job. So I did more. And they added more. And I failed and was punished. 

This endless tailspin has blown my brain apart. It has broken my heart irreparably. I spent the first 59 years of my life in almost total denial. It wasn't their fault. I deserved it. The weight which you can never explain to anyone because it makes no sense, it smothering. I have been so close to ending it so many times, I've lost track. And then there's more shame because according to my church, despair and suicide are mortal sins. So what the hell do I do???

I "know" not that what they did is and was wrong. But it doesn't help. The damage is done and it is permanent. I'll need to blog more about that. I will say this, though. For all I couldn't see what was being done to me, I can't not see it now. The chinks have turned into gaping holes in my parents' version of reality and the sun  is pouring through, revealing the truth. 

I'm hoping and praying that there may be some hope for this little girl lost. 

Histrionic and Narcissistic parents are utter hypocrites

 Hi friends. I know this blog has become really heavy lately with all the sharing I'm finally doing. However, the abuse, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, exploitation, manipulation, parentification, shaming, scapegoating and gaslighting I endured from four narcissistic parents isn't light reading. It's hard, painful and constantly with me. The fact that I am only now at 60, talking about it, shows how insidious was the abuse and how effective the gaslighting. They had me believing it was all my fault. I brought it on myself. I still believe this to some extent which I why I blog and blog and blog. 

Which brings me to my topic of the day which is the utter hypocrisy of histrionic and narcissistic parents. Mine lived in a fantasy world which they had gaslit me into going along with. Being an empath I fell right into that shit. Mommy doesn't want me around, so I'll go play alone. Daddy is depressed so I have to cheer him up (which was impossible). 

But for all this parentification of me, all the expectation that I care for them, they were still the tyrannical control freaks. They did the bossing around of me (and let their new boyfriends and spouses do likewise) while I did the actual work of parenting them (nurturing, supporting, encouraging, waiting on). So that's one example of  abusive narcissistic hypocrisy. 

Another is that the things they accused me of doing were the very things they did. And when I did it, I now see,  it was age appropriate (crying as a child, teen angst, etc.) They lied, cheated, stole, sulked, pouted, were catty, stormed, raged, humiliated and shamed as grown ass adults. 

I just remembered in writing this post confessing how heavy it was, how my dad used to tell me to "lighten up." And not to be so "sensitive." God, I can still hear his sanctimonious, gaslighting voice. He. Of all people. Telling me a teen, to lighten up?? An adolescent not to be sensitive? You never gave me space to be a kid let alone a teen. Any frustration you may have seen from me was righteous frustration over you constantly expecting me to be surrogate spouse, parent, servant and scapegoat to your new family. It was exhaustion and despair, living in your awful regime, buddy, not disobedience. 

And really, Jack? Too sensitive? You who are notorious for being the biggest snowflake in the room. And you are disrespectful, especially of authority. You treat everyone with arrogant condescension.  You have literally pouted and ranted you're entire adult life, when you only think someone isn't giving you all the adulation you deserve. 

And lighten up?? Really? You routinely told me how you would probably commit suicide at some random time, when I was 5!!!!! You feel no qualms telling everyone whom you know nothing about, how to live their lives. You spout scripture which you do not follow. You bind others up to burdens you do not carry. You are the judgiest of the judgey. Yet no one can even suggest that you reconsider taking your child to Alaska when you had no job or home there. 

And you had the audacity to pooh-pooh other people's hard-won achievements. You actually make fun of people living by their beliefs. When I breastfed my children, you made disparaging comments because I guess you thought I was showing up your lazy wife who "couldn't" breast feed. You actually said "not every woman is a cow." Ass. When I graduated from college magna cum laude, you didn't even know what that meant. Yet you sniffed haughtily and said "college isn't for everyone." Then had the gall to suggest that I was vain. I was fucking proud for once in my life, and you should have been for me. 

And this from you. You who with no training or church support declared yourself a missionary. And everyone was supposed to be so grateful they'd feed and clothe you? You who, without a license or degree felt entitled to walk into any church on a Sunday, waltz up to the pulpit and preach. You were so offended when they politely declined.  You actually believed you were better qualified than a minister with a doctor of divinity. You also eschewed the beliefs of every denomination. Well if you were above organized religion, then why did you want preach in their churches?  Because you were so concerned for their souls? Anghh. Wrong answer. 

Because you like the sound of your own voice. You, like so many others of your right wing party, love to talk. Especially about what everyone else is, according to them, doing wrong. They love to nit pick at specks while ignoring the entire effing lumber yard in their own eye. You didn't care about their salvation. If you did, you'd have actually learned what different churches believed so you could have an accurate dialog. But when I took world religions, you were aghast that I would actually learn about other religions and damn my soul. 

Typical of arrogant people who read about a fifth grade level, to assume they know best what the Bible says. You sort out what you don't like, such as scripture identifying what you are doing wrong and then pick a random, unrelated scripture and twist it to fit your particular agenda.  You claim God's promise of forgiveness for yourself and than come down like fire and brimstone for others. You expect mercy and give damnation. You do not repent. You simply say you told God you were sorry. And continue to do the hurtful things with no remorse or change happily secure in your fire insurance. 

You used to find fault with my singing, saying I was showing off. When you came to see the Shakespeare play I was in, your disdain was palpable. You actually made me feel dirty. Would it have gagged you to say good job? For all your suicide talk, you have no idea how miserable I was that year. How a little kindness would have helped so much. But nope, that memory has to be tainted with dad's disapproval. It wasn't because you were concerned about my studies. You couldn't have cared less. 

And about this liking the sound of your own voice. This showing off? Well, if I did, I learned from the best. My histrionic, exhibitionist parents rarely ever did or said anything that wasn't theatrical. They both loved attention. My mother, also sans training, fancies herself a minster as well. She will do all kinds of weird things to draw attention to herself. Preferably making others  uncomfortable in the process. Like going to a funeral and shouting Amen when she knows the church does NOT do things that way. 

But she has to get eyes on her. And if she can throw some shade at others for not shouting during church, all the better. While the poor family whose church is it, hunch down behind their songbooks and hope no one sees them. But that's not about the church or its doctrine or habits. She does it to us and we're Catholic and her siblings who are Christian Reformed alike. It's not about praising God either. It wasn't with my dad preaching either.  I realize that now. 

It's about the jolt of narcissistic supply that they get when they are the center of attention. And of course, it's delusional too. People aren't awed. They are impressed with the holiness. They are uncomfortable. And often more than a little disapproving of the ostentation. Which comes full circle to the hypocrisy of narcissism. 

My parents got very angry when they thought others were being "too critical." My dad chewed me out for this many times. Now bear in mind, I was the poster child for "good, biddable kid." I didn't dare to be anything but on my toes. I wouldn't even defend myself, let alone dare to question them. So where did he get that I was so critical of him? (same with  my mom). 

And this from Mr. Critical himself. Even his other sons admit that Dad has to be on top all the time. He will attack if you if cross any of his many invisible lines. He has ripped me apart verbally for asking to try on my new Christmas sweater at a party. He has physically beat me for not dancing attendance fast enough. If you tell a joke he didn't like he would insult and scold. Yet he would tell dirty jokes and laugh  uproariously. You'd better too. 

The creed of a narc is "we do things my way. You smile or frown when I say to. You build me up. I let you down. Unless I'm needing a hit. Then, I will find something to nail you on, even if I have to make it up. So that I can hang you out to dry in front of everyone. I get off on that. 

You show off, I share my wonderfulness with others. When you say something it's shouting. When I shout, I'm just saying something. You find fault, I just  give helpful advice. When you don't say something but I just think you're thinking it, I blow up. But call it Biblical correction. When I'm rude, nasty, attacking, snotty, obnoxious, it's just my way. When you're kind, I'll find a way to make it wrong. I'm never wrong and you're never right. It is my right to tell others how to live their lives but not my responsibility to live by my own standards. Rules, often arbitrary ones I just made up, do not apply to me, just you.

. 

 

When a narcissist is thwarted, embarrassed or unmasked, run for cover

Hi friends. I've been working on healing from a lifetime of parental narcissistic abuse. I listen to several helpful online psychologists and one is Dr. Ramani. I just finished her video on what to expect when the narcissist's mask slips. And I recalled the few times I've seen my narcissist parent's cover blown. It ain't pretty. In fact, it's scary as hell. I took the full force of it. But, thanks to all the gaslighting, I always believed it was something I'd done wrong. 

So I got to thinking about some of these experiences and decided to try my newly-learned skill of looking at things more clearly. Of not automatically blaming myself and actually holding the perpetrators accountable. To say what happened. What I learned was very interesting. And scary. But helpful. 

First a quick history. I had the misfortune to be "raised" by four narcissistic people, my two biological parents and their new spouses. Each had their own blend of narcissism/histrionic/antisocial behaviors. As a group, they were a force to be reckoned with. I've been abused in all forms, neglected, abandoned, endangered, exploited, parentified, invalidated, shamed scapegoated and gaslit by all of them separately and collectively throughout my life. 

I never caught on till last year just how fullblown my parents were. And I certainly never associated the terrifying things they did with any wrong on their part. Like I said, the narrative was that it was all me that caused it. But yanno, I'm a parent and now a grandparent. And I can't think of anything my kids could do to unleash the kinds behaviors they hit me with. 

So that's where I started, by looking at what happened with the eyes of a loving adult parent instead of a gaslit, shell-shocked, traumatized, shamed kid. And I can see the disconnects so clearly. Dr. Ramani explains how narcissists hide their behavior by keeping everyone baffled by their BS and hopping to their tune. But if someone should step out of line, or if the narcissist is just tired or feeling fat or threatened, then the mask slips and their real face is exposed. 

And I realized that this is exactly what those shitshows I'd lived through, were. Not me screwing up, but them being or just feeling exposed. A few things you need to know, if you've not witnessed a narc meltdown are thus: 

The explosion comes out of nowhere

The behavior is waaaaay exaggerated. 

The provocation, if you can call it that, is imagined or minimal at best. 

It is always something they did or caused but will blame it on others.

They play the victim and everyone else is at fault. 

They are experiencing the feelings of insecurity and shame that they have routinely made others feel. And they don't like it. 

IT IS TERRIFYING

Let's take the example I've shared in which my mother threw a pie in my face at her company work party. And her other daughter pushed my son's face in another pie. That was so out of the blue. This was a nice family picnic, not a drunken free-for-all frat party. Everyone was shocked. From her bosses, to coworkers to random people at the park. I gasped so deeply that I aspirated some of the pie and started choking. My son was equally shocked and struggled to breathe. No one laughed except her husband who was laughing hysterically. Then she got mad at me for not being able to take a joke. 

This was about 28 years ago. My mother only just brought it up about a year ago. She said she wanted to apologize. I told her I accepted it. But I realized I don't. Waiting 27 years to say something tells me she only did it to make herself feel better. Not me. Or my son. And her curious response when I asked her why she did it, told me all I needed to know about how sorry she wasn't. 

So, back then, I was still gaslit into taking the blame for every shitty thing she did to me. And to others. When she apologized I asked why she did it. And then just fed her the lines by saying "did I do something to make you nervous?" (So nervous that you picked up a pie, as you do, and threw it at me? but yeah I was that self-debasing with her back then). She jumped on that as an excuse and said (voice heavy with self-pity and passive-aggressive blame) that I reminded her of her own "disapproving" mother. (who would have only disapproved of my mother's bizarre behavior in throwing the damn pie in the first place).

But back then, I actually bought that  malarky and felt sorry for her. So she wins. She's able to regain the moral high ground. Mom wouldn't do anything shitty to me without a good reason. And she can soothe her conscience saying she apologized when all she really did was blame. And so I apologized like I always did. 

And not only does she get to feel justified because bad Mary made her feel nervous, poor grandma who'd been gone for years got tagged in the blame. And that's a thing all of its own. Whenever mom does weird things (which is a lot), her family is the reason. She always says she feels out of place at extended family gatherings because "they" make her feel that way. But then she goes out of her way to say and do odd, provocative things. 

Like laughing loudly, talking during a speech or waving her hand in the air and yelling "amen" at her brother's funeral. She fake limps and has to be helped by four people to sit down and is fine when no one is looking. She wears nightgowns in public. She tells exaggerated stories about how she and her family "don't get enough to eat." 

Then her crazy husband who actually has been abusive for most of his life, goes off half-cocked and gets angry with the family who has done nothing wrong.  Stupid shit is done and said. And she preens herself that her brave "hubbie" stuck up for her against her mean family, when all he did was do what he always does and spray venom. 

And she's always the star of the show.  It's always "her" family as if none of us are related too. We're just her miserable, cringing entourage who get dragged through it. Then on the way home from get togethers, we have to listen to how awful they are to her. She triangulated with my also-narcissistic father when they were married. And he went off half-cocked too. Happy to have scapegoats to deflect attention from his poor treatment of us. Such fun. Like damned reality TV show. 

Now I don't know about you but when I'm uncomfortable in a situation, I try to stay small. I'll be friendly and try to interact but I don't do weird things to draw attention to myself. That's the last thing I want. I also don't believe that in most cases it's anyone making me feel uncomfortable. No one is out to get me. We're all just doing our thing. So I started there, with how I do things when I am uncomfortable. 

And looking at this with my newfound clarity, I see exactly what Dr. Ramani was talking about and what happened and why. The pie came first, not the embarrassment. Mom felt nervous and didn't like it. So it had to be someone's fault. My mother has this habit of blaming her weird behavior on others. But I see now, that she always starts it. And she sets  people up. And I see why. Because in her mind, she's the star of the show. A narcissist believes all eyes are always on them. They must either be in the spotlight or the victim.

She will do really odd things, like wearing a nightgown to my granddaughter's baptism. Or talking about her vulva and vagina at a family gathering.  Or farting loudly in public. She then waits for someone to notice or respond and then nails them for "judging her" and making her feel awkward. And then does more weird things. It's complicated but also very obvious. And we've all just gotten used to being uncomfortable so grandma doesn't have to. Some of us even blame ourselves for feeling uncomfortable and not being better at hiding our embarrassment. 

In the pie-throwing incident, she was laying for a fight before the picnic even kicked off.  It was her idea to have a pie eating contest which no one else was on board with. They had a certain tone they wanted for the event and a reputation to protect. This did not include a tacky pie eating contest. They agreed but said no children could participate. I had no intention of letting my kids participate because I thought it was tacky too. I didn't say anything or let on how I felt. We came and were having a great time.  

Well, pie contest time comes and not one adult would participate except my mom and sister. She begged me to and I said no thanks. Her husband wouldn't either. My kids being kids wanted to and so I gave in. And then in front of everyone, she walloped me with a pie and her daughter pushed my young son's face in his. Which is incredibly dangerous,  of course. Children asphyxiate doing stunts like this. I was hurrying to clear his face while he coughed. Everyone took a huge step back and she and her husband laughed their fool heads off. 

I was livid, had to walk my kids through the park covered in food. A kind lady in the bathroom helped me clean them up. I could tell she was thinking WTH? But maybe she just felt sorry for us. I would have, if I'd seen someone in this situation. Did my mom help? Nope. My mom and her husband were busy washing up in the ice buckets. I cringe remembering the pieces of icky pie floating in someone's nice cooler. 

So how is this a narc meltdown? Because again, she does awkward things that make everyone uncomfortable but no one can actually admit it. And my mom thwarted equals punishment for others. Even innocent bystanders. She felt out-classed and was pouting that no one wanted to play her game. Maybe she was planning to nail others too. I think she might have even been hoping to start a food fight. As if this was Animal House, so cringey. I actually remember her sententiously criticizing some kids having a food fight. But then, it wasn't her idea. And then her golden child wanted a food fight for her graduation party and my mother went right along with it. 

So instead of backing down and foregoing it as everyone else wisely suggested, she dug her heels in and decided to get even.  One thing you learn in living with a narcissist is that if you don't give them their way, heads will roll. 

And misery loves company. She wanted us to be as embarrassed as she felt. She says she didn't know what came over her. But my husband feels that she had it planned all along. It wasn't enough to just enjoy a picnic with her grandkids. Someone had to be made to feel icky. And as so often happened, that someone was me. 

Because the fact is, narcissists (and histrionic) are very jealous and competitive. It's not enough that they win. Some else has to lose. They thrive on making people feel uncomfortable. Especially people they feel are threats. Or who are getting the attention they feel they deserve. If you cross your narc or are just in the perimeter if they are crossed, watch out. There's a pie with your name on it. 

Oddly specific examples of parental narcissistic abuse and gaslighting about it

Hey friends. I'm working on healing from CPTSD and toxic shamed caused by parental narcissistic abuse, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, invalidation, exploitation, CSA, parentification, manipulation, toxic shaming and gaslighting about it all. I've blogged a lot about general stuff but today I'm going to list some oddly specific examples of parental narcissistic abuse and gaslighting about it. Each of these experiences left horrific scarring, self-loathing and pain. Each came of of nowhere. And these are some of the weirder ones that stand out. But they are only a small pieces of the larger patterns. I also didn't see that they had done anything wrong at the time they happened. I believed it was somehow my fault. 

1) Little Girl Lost. Left alone to wander in strange cities. We moved a lot. So I was always in some unfamiliar place. From the time I was 4, they let me wander alone in very unsafe situations and places. I used to play down at the docks in Haines AK when I was 6. At four, I picked up a dead rabbit alongside the road because I wanted to pet it and didn't know it was dead. There was no adult to tell me not to. 

2) Daddy's little confidante. I was probably the only 5year old to know the word suicide. My dad used to tell me that he was planning to end it all. I'd cry and he'd callously snub  me. After divorcing my mom, he, at 34, would take me on dates with his 17-year-old gf.  

3)  Mommy's sex therapist. My mother began cheating on my dad when I was 5. She had several affairs. She talked to me in very uncomfortable ways about sex, starting when I was 7 or so. She made out with boyfriends in front of me. She let them tell me dirty jokes and shame me for the size of  my breasts (I was 11). She'd laugh with them. She moved a 15 year-old with a track record of molesting, into her foster care home and he molested me. She turned a blind eye when the neighbor kid sexually harassed me and then started dating his dad. 

4) Everyone's surrogate parent. I was shuffled back and forth between their new families. Every time they had a baby I was removed from my room and made to sleep in the baby's room. And of course, get up at night with them. That began around 10. I was made to share a tiny room with my mom's four special needs foster care children while she slept with her boyfriend in a little "apartment" as she called it, in the basement. There was one room no one slept in that she kept for show, should the caseworker do a spot check. I just recalled that a few weeks ago and figured out why. 

5) Living in a bordello. My mother moved her boyfriend into our home. This was unheard of in conservative 1970s Michigan. Then she kicked me out of my room so my unmarried uncle and his girlfriend could have my room. I want into the room with all the foster care kids. Then one of the girls she fostered would stay the night with her boyfriend. At one point there were 11 people living in a  3 bedroom house. All of which was illegal and ultimately lost her the foster care license. An extreme right-winger, she believes she is a pastor and in the moral majority. Her second husband divorced her for her constant lies. 

6) Merry Christmas. My dad screamed at me in front of the entire family, including his new wife's family at Christmas. I had asked and been given permission to try on my sweater. His other kids were off playing with their new stuff. He called me selfish, ungrateful and spoiled. He shocked everyone.

7) Homeless at 16. My mom's unemployed, lazy and abusive husband kicked me out of "his" house when I was 16. A house that my dad's child support was being used to pay for. They were living on welfare. I had come home an hour late. Actually I was home on time,  just sitting in the yard talking to boyfriend. My mother let him evict me. She gaslit me into believing, till I was 59,. that it was my fault. My husband says he remembers when he first met me that I fully believed I brought it on myself. It never occurred to me that this was illegal. They would later go on to lose their son in a negligent accident. He was left to play alone too. 

8) Beaten for a too small smile. When I lived with my dad, I did pretty much all the housework including caring for their adult foster care folks. I was moved out of my room and put in with the baby. This happened twice in separate homes. My dad and his wife had a suite with AC and a fountain to drown out any noise. I was locked in with the baby. My dad once beat me because I didn't act happy enough. 

9) My mom told me she would pay for my first six months in an apartment in college so I could get out of my dad's house. After six months, she lied and said she'd only lent me the money and that I had to pay it back with interest. This was after cashed in my savings bonds from grandparents to support her unemployed abusive husband. She stole my car and my son's shoes. 

10) Pie in the face.  My mother invited me and my children to her work picnic. She had pestered organizers to have a pie eating contest. They didn't want to but gave in. No one participated except my mom and her daughter. My kids begged to be allowed to so I let them (against my better judgement). As they were about to begin, she threw a pie in my face. Her daughter shoved my little son's face into his pie. He started to choke. I did too. Everyone was horrified except her husband who howled with laughter. She was angry with me for not being able to "take a joke." 

I was blind to parental abuse and neglect, but now I see

Hello my friends. For the last year, I've been working to come to terms with parental abuse, neglect, scapegoating, endangerment, abandonment, manipulation, exploitation, invalidation, toxic shaming, parentification and gaslighting about it all. I haven't talked to many people outside this blog about it but when I have the question comes up how I could have been so blind for so long, to it happening. Good question. I've wondered that myself and it's part of why I'm on this mission. 

I also ask myself so why now? How did I get to be 60 and not see all the abuse? And then that leads me to (wait for it) second-guess and gaslight myself, did it really happen? This of course, is a classic response to reports of abuse as children by older people. Systems and individuals skeptical that I'm making it up because if it was that bad, why didn't I say anything let alone realize it. Some have contradicted me and said "oh you knew. You had to." Or worse, that it's just done for attention. Or made up.

Do people who undermine a person suffering from CPTSD with comments like this, actually hear themselves? Right there, they've just told me all I need to know about them. They don't care.They invalidate. They dismiss. They're probably abusing someone in their life. But go ahead. Hit me with your best shot. Cuz bruh, you couldn't possibly second guess me more than I do myself and have all my life. THAT'S WHY I'M THE MESS I AM!!

But interestingly, this sick victim-blame-shaming from people, only underscores the reality of all the abuse. The fact that I got to my seventh decade completely clueless to abuse from 4 narcissistic adults who called themselves my parents, just shows how good they were at it. And it shows that the gaslighting had been going on since pretty much day one up to the present. 

Because I may be slow to see abuse in my life, but I'm very quick to perceive it in others. And I care. A LOT. Too much sometimes. Being an empath made me so much  more vulnerable to it. And boy howdy did I make the excuses for them. They didn't mean to. It was a mistake. It was my fault. Pretty soon they didn't even have to lie or gaslight or invent reasons to blame and shame me. I was doing it for them. You should see my bizarre disturbing nightly dreams. I'm always kowtowing to someone or many someones who are treating me like crap. I am always in the hot seat. 

I've written about what made me suddenly start to stuff for the abuse it was. And I need to write more. I'm still not entirely sure, but I know those dreams that I have nightly every single night all night long, are instrumental. I've also had to flip the script and look at things from a different perspective. I've had to look at my experiences as I would if it was  happening to someone else. And I've had to pry my hands off my eyes and admit that they were hurting me because they were trying to. You don't "accidentally" do the kind of traumatizing crap my parents did. They had to go out of their way. 

Being under constant attack or threat of attack, made me jumpy, anxious, fearful, ashamed, worried. And constantly second guessing myself. Just like a soldier develops PTSD from constant threat, I developed CPTSD as a trauma response. 

But, some good news, once seen, I'll never unsee it again. And once you open your eyes and look at things clearly, a lot of other experiences that got swept under the rug come to light. Once I started remembering, I realize that things were so so much worse than I'd forced myself to believe. It's not pleasant. But it's better than just constant emotional and physical pain from believing lies, hating myself and distorting memories to suit other people's twisted narrative. 

The most sickening feeling in CPTSD from parental narcissistic abuse

 Hey my friends. Before I get started today, let me just take a moment to say thank you. Deeply. For reading and hearing me. Working to recover (or just be aware of) the CPTSD I suffer from as a result of chronic parental narcissistic abuse is THE hardest thing I've ever done. Burying two babies was the most painful. This is the most complicated.

I always have to start with a quick backstory in case this is the first post you're  reading. In my growing years, I was shunted between four narcissistic adults (two bio and then their partners and spouses) after my parents split. In 1970  Michigan, this was very unusual. There was constant abuse of one form and another, neglect, endangerment, abandonment (like leaving me alone in strange cities), exploitation, parentification, invalidation, scapegoating and gaslighting about it all. 

I only just began to really look at this about a year ago. I knew things were weird and bad but I always believed it was down to unfortunate situations or, more usually, my fault. I believed I brought abuse (sexual, physical, emotional, financial, religious) on myself. I believed because they told me, that I was the problem. But also, weirdly,  I was expected to provide the solution.   That's the parentification and scapegoating. 

I'll try to explain. So, being very immature and self-centered, my bio parents expected me to take care of them. They did not take care of me. I was left to my own devices a lot. In strange places. Now juxtapose that with the care I was expected to provide them. As young as 4, or as far back as I can remember, I've taken the brunt of their issues. My father used to unload his crap, including suicidal feelings, onto me, at 5. My mom dumped all her sexual ick on me. She used to say we were more like sisters and once told my daughter that sometimes she needed me to be her mom. 

If I failed to provide whatever they wanted, there was hell to pay. Then they divorced and brought other demanding, narcissistic people into my life who exploited, manipulated and scapegoated me some more. Then they had kids who I was expected to parent. There were ever-changing, yet constant demands that varied depending on which configuration I was living with at the time. This on-going expectation has never stopped even when I had a family of my own. The level of care demanded was boggling. 

But, being black holes every one, they were never satisfied. In all the care, housework, childcare, giving, being stolen from, being taken advantage of (actually being scammed by them several times) being the token target and scapegoat, I never heard a word of thanks. In fact, what I  heard was all the ways I'd let them down. They gaslit me into thinking I was such a burden to them that they'd have to kick me out of the  house to protect their other children (whom I was sharing a room with and getting up at night with, since they were babies). 

My dad, his wife and my mom's husband would blow normal teen stuff way out of proportion and rage at me. My mom would triangulate him against me then take his part. Mind you,  my mom's husband never worked, slept all the time he wasn't smoking or yelling, and was too lazy even to cut wood for the woodstove. He'd put oil or tires on it. They were living on my dad's child support. My dad was even worse, if that were possible. He made me his new wife's servant, surrogate spouse, surrogate parent and scapegoat. 

He once beat me, at 14, in front of everyone because I wasn't happy enough about being moved out of my room and into a tiny closet of a bedroom with the baby. So his wife could have a suite of a room to herself and not have to be bothered getting up with the baby. I was also expected to work in their adult foster care home like a hired hand. Except that I wasn't paid. My mom did the same thing...had a foster care home with four special needs kids I was expected to share a room with and care for while she and her boyfriend slept in their little "apartment" in the basement. 

So a lot of inappropriate expectations put on me which was confusing enough. But then when I "failed" they came down on me with the wrath of God. The littlest thing or nothing at all, was magnified into a national crisis. It was so damn confusing. I felt responsible for them all, as if the entire fam damily would fall apart without  me. As if there were no adults besides me who wasn't an adult.

And yet there was NO FAMILY for me. They had blown that apart by the divorce. They made it perfectly clear that I had no family. That I was lucky they let me be part of their new ones. It is such a bloody narcissistic fantasy. That you can break up a family, ignore, actually divorce the child in that family. And then start over as if nothing ever happened. There are no do-overs in families. Just a lot of broken pieces left behind which I am many. 

And that contradiction caused some of the most baffling and sickening feelings associated with CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder). And that is anxiety, insecurity, constant second-guessing, from a constant state of chaos. I never trust a single thing I think, believe, feel, want or need. I think I was finally pleasing them only to find out, oh f*** no you effed up again, kid. When I did EXACTLY WHAT THEY EXPECTED. It was a lose-lose situation. 

I cannot begin to express the depths of self-disgust I feel. I say that I know now that they were wrong. It wasn't me. Too much was expected of me and not enough good given to me. But that does not stop the internal gas lighting and self-doubt. It feels like a riptide or flood that I cannot swim out of. It is overwhelming and all encompassing. I feel sick to my stomach just writing about it. 

So the only thing I can do is fake it till I make it. Pretend I believe that I'm not the cause of everyone's problems. I know it sounds so ludicrous even as I say it. No one could be the cause of everyone's problems. That's so ridiculously exaggerated. But that is narcissism. And that's what abuse, neglect, endangerment, scapegoating, abandonment, exploitation and invalidation do to your brain.